cucumber green

as a retail security guard i get to see everything like a microcosm of humanity, from the disabled to the very fit indeed, all shapes and sizes, boobs, bums, tums, but most of all the faces, the eyes, the lives.  People who only come in for a cucumber ;) or just balloons like the lad last night, Noz? I said with a cheeky grin. Wudn't know what that was he replied with a laugh.  Enjoy your evening sir!  So yesterday there was a total bargain due to the date, a curry pack for two, Chicken Jalfrezi and Madras I think, I was sold until I remembered I'm a vegetarian now, or at least someone who doesn't like the idea of eating something that only lived for me to benefit from its death, that didn't live the life it was meant to, was given by nature.  So I'm off back to the grindstone, paying off my debts, keeping my nose clean, learning some valuable lessons, feeling slowly healed as I start to take more care of myself than I  ever have before, really actually giving a shit about myself first, in the hope that soon I can take that out into the world and make a difference for someone else, be the love that I wish to see in the world not go looking for it, be the change x

the rough and the smooth

i think feeling everything so deeply as is now thought to be the truth of autism, that rather than not wanting to engage with others, it is actually painful to do so without the barriers that others are born with or create to survive the onslaught of emotion and sensual information, makes a lot of sense of why people on the spectrum go the other way entirely towards more rational pursuits, into their own interests, their own worlds, i know for me connecting to others didn't seem too worthwhile when i only ever seemed to be punished or ridiculed for being who i truly am, maybe we all suffer this in this world because at some point egos became the way forward, whatever the truth, when it finally dawns on you that you can be accepted for who you are, limits and talents, the rough and smooth, life makes more sense finally x

care bare

what goes up, must come down, at least that explains my smile then frown cos I went as high as it's possible to go and from there i plummeted way down low so now i know the difference between a sinner and a winner and i'm travelling along the straight and narrow path, being treated to cosmic information it's quite a laugh to feel as though you've swallowed felix felicis but i must beware not to push my luck or fall foul of situations or stop giving a fuck when the world needs those who do their best and whatever has saved me leads me on at its behest, is it my own higher self as they say or someone, something else i couldn't say but the relationship we're building gives me courage in times of need, direction where there was none and lots of other things indeed, in fact i'm told to go left or right, it's a feeling, like a second sight, guiding me on, feeding my transformation from whatever i was to whatever i will be in the end, i hope to be the sort of friend that i've always assumed i was, seen more truths than i could almost bare, about myself and others, what was done, by who, what and where, suffered greatly and hurt others too now there's just one thing to do, keep on listening and doing what i'm told, hoping i can make recompense before i get too old, be there as i ought to be for all of those around me, that i almost daily see who need someone to care x

e=mc don't be a square

i think einstein said it best with the formula e=mc2 or to put it simply, everything is energy which is equal to mass times the speed of light (time?), squared. we are mass times the time we live and on the other side of that equation is the energy that we are equal to, that energy is information, that can never be destroyed and that is our conciousness, we are pure conciousness, expressed as energy, seen and felt as matter at this vibration and all it takes is for us to realise this, physically connect to that fact. So underlying all the lying is a truth that we can all connect to within us which is that what we see as different forms of matter is all energy, all conciousness, all whatever you want to call it, spirit, divine light, shone into the world as us x

confident in who you are and what you say? that's beautiful

ouch crap cramp in the bath, sod these feet that have to wear shoes, shoes are evil honestly i've never liked wearing them, so i've discovered a few things to learn were 'instore' for me, becoming a retail security guard, bad jokes obviously, erm but ok:-
a) having to use my voice, even though it's usually just "The toilets are over there sir or madam"  b) having to tell people what they need to know or giving bad news "No, We don't have a cafe im afraid" c) having to make phone calls which i dont really like doing, especially the police although c is good, i actually called a friend to wish him a happy birthday the other day so i guess that's a positive step come out of my shell again, being cheeky is coming back though so i have to watch that.  I realised a long time ago that i struggle with things like body language and eye contact, i actually become so self concious that im aware that im doing it, how much, where im looking and it's totally unnatural so i hope i dont stare, or look cross eyed because im looking at the bridge of your nose and girls  i don't get hints or understand whether you're interested in me or not, i actually think i could love or do love every woman, there's always something about each one of you and some men, although it isn't so intoxicating beholding male beauty as it is merely being in the presence of a beautiful woman, when i find something about you, you are transformed, a glint in the eye, something about your smile, i like nuances, they're fun for me and less pressure than more serious things like what takes a long time for me to make, like a connection with someone and feel it, or be able to say i love you back when someone says it and mean it too, sorry but that's the way it goes, the surface understanding between us is real, im there with you, i feel your pain, just not mine or whatever else it is underlying the numb exterior but that's changing maybe, yes defiantly, and definitely im sure, being positive really does help, changing a negative self statement into a good one, every time they come up until they start coming up roses, anyways i've gone on enough shedding my skin, night x

gasted my flabber

i thought i had added gratitude to my attitude but when i was feeling grateful today, a new thought said, oh no sunny jimbo, that's not gratitude, here ya go and then my stomach was suddenly a gaping hole, then i was full and i could have burst into tears... Now that was gratitude, because I really did feel humbled and truly thankful for all x too many peeps to mention, i felt quite choked or as though i could be if it wasn't for so much joy and celebration of a lovely guy last night and into today and a lot of trepidation as it's been so long since i've seen folks so a little social hurdle and then questions i had been asking and was going to ask of others answered by someone who gave of their own experience and pretty much gasted my flabber, thankyou, I think you know who you are, and danced as though i haven't spent the last four and a bit weeks on my feet and any spare time off them because of the aches and pains up and down and all over, your energy took me out of myself and back in all of you wonderful souls and friends i've come to know

MP for Flydale North

so from now on i would like to be known as Jon Paul Walker MP, standing up as a member in the coming insur-erection this May to be one of the leaders of the New World Army, or Ninja-Hippies With Attitude, let's get a bus, paint it fucking colourful and be the rainbow warriors we need to be, as Merry Pranksters for the coming age, clean up our acts whilst honouring our pasts and being open about our faults so that there's nothing to be used to shame us when they name us cos we've outed ourselves first, campaigning on the policy of common sense creativity to solve the worlds problems one person at a time, telling it like it really is not some crass lie mongering bullshit that everyone is fed up to the back teeth with, i am honouring the madness and sanity of a true human being not doing what we've been doing anymore that as like Einstein said only leads to more of the same. If you're with me I need to pay off some debts and work my ass off for a bit unless you know rich people daft enough to get onboard, also hippy legal experts, japers, jugglers, you know the sort of people required for a mission like this and my view is that if they decide that I become a threat and kill me at least that way i won't have completely wasted my entire life doing what is expected and may find redemption for my crimes against myself, my nature, your nature, nature and other morally reprehensible activities which of course i am willing to admit openly in order to remove their ammunition. As usual all are free to get everything off their chests as i am well versed in taking the confessions of others, sisters and brother this is worth the risk so why not? x

mo money mo problem

money is a disease, greed a symptom, the more you have of it, the more you feel a lack of more of it, that you need even more, leading to the obvious conclusion that the best thing is to be in balance, have a small bank balance, when we had virtually nothing as people, we had each other and we were rich, now we feel poor and buy things because we feel we need them when we only really want them to fill the hole that is created and when we do they make us feel better for a second or two and on it goes the war on want and the feeling of neediness, greediness, I know i like buying stuff, things, bargains, shopping more stuff than i really need because it's a little bit more to spend to buy one two get two free now i've got four when i only needed one, the time has come to be more realistic and know that growth in the economy is a buzz word for killing the planet off sooner rather than later and us with it

a light within us can lead us home

you lead yourself home, you take your own hand, when you die and leave this land and when you do, like i did you meet your god self, my name was shakyamuni the bhudda of compassion, but that was then and now i'm just little ol' me and not in a religious sense, though that's the fashion because religion well it stinks, it has so many links to fear and control, tells you that your soul, is something that requires someone else to be your saviour, do yourself a big favour and connect to a higher reality wherein we exist in a beautiful loving garden, i beg your pardon if that destroys your false impression, learn this lesson one last time, leave this hamster wheel behind, rise up to become the person you were meant to be, finally you'll see the truth and that is you can, you will, you ought to, open up, try your luck, what have you got to lose except a false sense of what this place is and who we are, that's why reincarnation brings us back, to find out what we lack, to learn from our mistakes and stop putting on the brakes again because it's so easy to feel like nothing in a space so full of false hope and expectation, this is my revelation, gathered over time painfully, it's mine and mine alone but others say the same things, we've struggled to listen without judgement in the past, the opportunities are vast for transformation and i still don't know why me but when the question is asked the answer comes back fast, you took a leap of faith in you despite all the evidence to the contrary because all the evidence to the contrary is not entirely dissuasive, the truth is all pervasive and all we need to do is seek and we shall find, become less blind, go forth with a torch inside our hearts and minds and have a stomp to the rhythm of the dance, one last time, forever x

Extremely Loud Incredibly Close (That Day, The Worst Day)

If what i hope is true then i never really hurt you
i hurt myself, cheated myself, stole from myself
but i can't get over not seeing how you loved me
i can't let go of that day, when i offered you time.
When I said that we could finally be together, us
playing, holding, saying things, talking, walking,
loving the truth of what we could share, stroke a
hair on a head that i wished to rest on my chest.
So like that plate they say to smash on the floor
and say sorry to, like trust it was broken the day
I went around, shouting out, that i loved another,
when i did but she was with some other in love.
So bother, a brother, i can't let go of the hurt I
did you that day, the worst day when i went
away and came back too late, to cry with
you, flagellating myself since then again.
I've learnt why since then and opened
up all my oldest wounds as far as
the eye can see, the heart feel
wishing i had something real.
Knowing in it I am not true
having doubts i can be,
that i'm whole really,
that I can heal too.
I daren't hurt you
again so i have
to wait to see
who are we.
Who am I
that's not
of import
without
you
x

supermassive arsehole

as i was circling the event horizon of a supermassive black hole
i could dive in, leave this world behind, body, mind, spirit, soul
this voice told me not to, that there was still some hope left
to me that was incredible because i was feeling so bereft,
that chance exists for each of us right up until the last
to reach out as a light then, shines from elsewheres.
A final gasp of creation, fleeting, wonderful, bright,
like the breath of life that leaves us right then,
at the end of things, at the end of days, so
holding out for someone to save us well
is frankly just impatient and lazy but
not to take the hand that offers us
salvation and a path to another
place, to finally see the face
of whoever, whatever it is
that resides wherever
it is would seem a
little ungrateful,
shameful but
maybe that
is why we
don't feel
as if we
ought
to
x

concious coupling

so i've got this companion in my conciousness like a loving friend who may be like me only they love me, and care for me unconditionally and give me advice all the time in a loving nagging way, to this day, i can only assume i ought to do what they say. because it's helping me in every way, so it's like being loved by yourself, a higher version, a naughty little elf, saying don't do that, you might enjoy it now, but after you'll be like, ow, why? bum, fuck, arse shit bollocks, poo i wish i was like you, and i kinda am, only up until now i assumed i was like all the rest, getting this all off my chest, listening in, out, up and down, no more tears of a clown, thankyou me thankyou please keep on telling it like it is x

one day i'll find you again

backwards in our ways, upside down, as below so above not the other way around unable to see a higher truth, mired in all this heavy hitting, unrelenting darkening so on it goes as i see that we could be so much more and are when it's revealed i plan to make sure that i'm healed and with me others and the world around listening to a higher sound, the song of ages as we meet, grounding our feet, reaching up high to listen to a greater more holistic all encompassing beat, in a movie when they kiss their clothes come off rapidly and are given way to passion untamed when the true expression is a burgeoning flame, the softest touch leading to a slow revealing of the love that drives our feeling, not a rampant penetration but a true celebration, one and another of loving aspiration, when i kiss you, you kiss me we will finally see the ways in which something tender can grow inside us both, tinder for that higher lit fire, ready to engulf our bodies, minds and souls eventually, you and me, them and us, no such fuss or unnecessary stuff, a growing organic connection, pure affection, i love you because you are yours, not because you're mine and vices versed that's the way of things when they are real, how we feel when honoured and complete on our own but then together making two whole souls becoming a greater aspect of a larger reality, not drowning in uncomplicated energy, dank and heavy but switching on a light in heaven and in the earth, connecting, affecting, being, loving all x

sheeple

i've had just about enough and in the past I knew that I wished  to live a different way, to remove myself from the system, to make things and live not make a living to buy things, partly why I've found myself feeling more and more alone and unable to connect to those who think money is the answer, who want a mortgage and all the normal trappings of the modern world, that keep us trapped in this uncivilised society where life itself is becoming extinct at the most rapid rate for 65 million years, so that is why I haven't bound myself to anyone normal, and why I'm getting out of this terrible crime against nature as soon as i can, thankyou sheeple and I don't use that term lightly because i've been a wolf too and harmed this world x we are all at fault for not being able to see, or feel capable of doing anything to turn the tide that threatens to end life on this planet for the species that has caused this nightmare to come about, US!  We're to blame for not standing up and fighting, for not realising, that it is up to us ALL to do something, not those who think they're in power because they're not, the majority, the masses have the power to change it x

Sims

do you prefer to be woken up by an alarm clock, someone shaking you awake or to come around naturally? To me, this reality is like a living historical period drama or soap opera and we're actually far more than we realise but over time, we became so caught up in this that we forgot who we are, what this is all about and now it's coming to an end, the end of the series, the final few episodes only to reveal that something far greater is going on all around us. So I choose to leave behind the undoubtedly engaging and diverting things around me that are so addictive and try to regain whatever it was I was doing before I chose to be a character in a play x

fucking perfunctory fucking

fucking perfunctory fucking and factory farmed food
something, about these things, puts me in the mood,
to write about their complete lack of nutrition for us
they're total annihilation, creating nihilism, a death.
To all that is holy, divine within and without and so
without something spiritual inside us not from out
the heart shape i try to create with my words is
something i didn't think too hard about, to feel
it was enough inside, to give it out, to love
was all i cared about and I truly did love
everyone and everything fading more
over time as i came to find doubt
and an inner self loathing that
it's fair to say I screamed
bloody murder until I
was blue in the
face, know a
bad shout
when i
hear
1

experiential evidence

i guess there are two options when we die, nothing and something
like everything goes black and there's nothing anymore just that
or there's something else, something good i hope for us all
a place to celebrate what we learnt and what we might
if we come back again to join the long good fight
to change ourselves and the world around
into something not nothing like it is
you see it feels like nothing
when i see you hurt it
or hurt yourself
i feel numb
again
but
i can't
leave it there
because someone said
don't do that anymore don't let it
end like that, vanishing into nothing
it feels like you are disappearing that way
why not make it grow like love does when we find
a source, a reason, something in our lives worth more
a driving force, a life worth living, a reason for all this stuff
all this energy and space, the way this place, feels like more
than just here for nothing, but some kind of cosmic accident no!
To me there seems to be some, i've experienced my own evidence x

truth

where is the truth?  The truth is in people not things.
where is the truth?  It's in emotions and feelings.
where is the truth?  Not in lying to yourself.
where is the truth?  In experiences.
where is the truth?  It's in you.
where is the truth?  Not in money.
where is the truth?  Ask the right questions.
where is the truth?  In finding a way forward, out.
where is the truth?  The truth is in created suffering.

I silenced my mind to hear two voices, ego and god
One tells me not to do things that i ought, the other
speaks volumes about things that would unify us all
in allowing the conversation to go ahead in my head
I find the suffering, the creativity that it springs from.

I don't know where this comes from because it hurts
it hurts good, I feel as though I need it to, to free me
I write what seems to be the feeling i must express.
To go beyond emotions to get to the source of it all.
To find the reason for the pain, to feel, learn from it.

To me the reason is the answer and the truth in all.
Hate is a journey in the wrong direction, love is not.