I am sorry for the ways in which I have treated others badly, either because I was clumsy, because I was full of myself, because I believed the world worked a certain way. I apologise to the people I've hurt. I've taken back so many judgements I made of others, only to see those qualities in myself.
Had some of the most amazing times out in nature and at home lately too, seeing bluetits and a long tailed tit and goldfinches really close up from my window, seeing foxes too, out on bike rides, seeing hares, seeing a hare walk towards me on the path out in the woods, nature in all it's glory displaying for me, making me wonder why did I get so far away from everyone and everything thinking I was connected?
Thursday 24 April 2014
Friday 18 April 2014
How to see yourself as you really are
How to see yourself as you really are, is the title of a book by the Dalai Llama and I never actually had a chance to read and understand it, I got so far, but at the time I was grasping for truth anywhere I could find it, and my mental state probably wasn't the best. I believe that I am now seeing myself as I really am, and I have to say I don't like it, or me. I made a pass at a married woman last year at a festival, although she got me drunk at Womad in the first place. I have made everyone around me conscious of their behaviour, whether it's wasting the last of the mayonnaise in the plastic container, or recycling finished cartons of fruit juice, creating systems within the house I live in, making others feel bad for the ways in which they live their lives, only to see the way I've been living mine and the mistakes I've made in the past so clearly now...
I don't have any right to bring these things to the attention of others, I haven't lived right myself.
How dare I go around judging others, or spouting nonsense about unconditional love, or spiritual matters, when I now see that what I thought I was experiencing was a mixture of self deception and delusion. Every magical moment of the last several years has been taken away because I now doubt them all, except perhaps one.
Stood on a mountain between Astorga and Ponferrada in Northern Spain, a hail storm had just passed overhead, the wind went quiet, the sun came out, not even a bird or vehicle or anything to make a sound and then I felt it, the presence of the divine, a moment of pure clarity, minutes even...
I would have loved to stay in that place, in that space of being forever, built a house there, I made it finally having to leave that spot to the next mountain top village and into a bar virtually in tears.
I'm holding on to that one experience, because of the feeling, not a physical, an emotional one.
I have to trust my emotions, even if I can't trust what I saw, heard, touched, tasted, smelt.
That one I felt, not thought, I felt a feeling I can't explain, I felt the love of friendship.
I thought of someone at home I would have dearly loved to have shared that with.
When everything you believe is called into question, you start to appraise it all honestly, and I can honestly say that I don't regret the ways in which I have done good, tried to carry that out into the world, tried to do good for others, for the planet, but it's all got too much, taken too far now...
I can see the ways in which I have judged others for their way of seeing the world, suggested that mine was the right way and theirs wasn't, tried to badger and persuade others to see it my way.
When now I can't say beyond a reasonable doubt that there is anything to what I said there was.
It's turned on me, I've turned on me, I don't like the way I've behaved towards others, at home.
Out and about yes, it's easy to have a magical weekend away, but those at home were ignored.
I wasn't there for the people I should have been and I was selfishly going for my own dreams.
For that I am truly sorry, and each day I wake seems like another chance for me to feel that.
Feel the disappointment I've caused, feel how badly I've failed, how deluded, false, fake.
I value the experiences of others, I even began to believe them, experience them even.
But do now all my statements about believing is seeing make too much sense?
Did believing in more make it possible for me to delude myself more?
How can I strip apart the personal truth from the truth of the world?
I can't all I can do is honour the journeys of others to their truth.
When you see yourself as you really are I hope you like you.
I don't have any right to bring these things to the attention of others, I haven't lived right myself.
How dare I go around judging others, or spouting nonsense about unconditional love, or spiritual matters, when I now see that what I thought I was experiencing was a mixture of self deception and delusion. Every magical moment of the last several years has been taken away because I now doubt them all, except perhaps one.
Stood on a mountain between Astorga and Ponferrada in Northern Spain, a hail storm had just passed overhead, the wind went quiet, the sun came out, not even a bird or vehicle or anything to make a sound and then I felt it, the presence of the divine, a moment of pure clarity, minutes even...
I would have loved to stay in that place, in that space of being forever, built a house there, I made it finally having to leave that spot to the next mountain top village and into a bar virtually in tears.
I'm holding on to that one experience, because of the feeling, not a physical, an emotional one.
I have to trust my emotions, even if I can't trust what I saw, heard, touched, tasted, smelt.
That one I felt, not thought, I felt a feeling I can't explain, I felt the love of friendship.
I thought of someone at home I would have dearly loved to have shared that with.
When everything you believe is called into question, you start to appraise it all honestly, and I can honestly say that I don't regret the ways in which I have done good, tried to carry that out into the world, tried to do good for others, for the planet, but it's all got too much, taken too far now...
I can see the ways in which I have judged others for their way of seeing the world, suggested that mine was the right way and theirs wasn't, tried to badger and persuade others to see it my way.
When now I can't say beyond a reasonable doubt that there is anything to what I said there was.
It's turned on me, I've turned on me, I don't like the way I've behaved towards others, at home.
Out and about yes, it's easy to have a magical weekend away, but those at home were ignored.
I wasn't there for the people I should have been and I was selfishly going for my own dreams.
For that I am truly sorry, and each day I wake seems like another chance for me to feel that.
Feel the disappointment I've caused, feel how badly I've failed, how deluded, false, fake.
I value the experiences of others, I even began to believe them, experience them even.
But do now all my statements about believing is seeing make too much sense?
Did believing in more make it possible for me to delude myself more?
How can I strip apart the personal truth from the truth of the world?
I can't all I can do is honour the journeys of others to their truth.
When you see yourself as you really are I hope you like you.
Wednesday 16 April 2014
Final Word
Is there a final word on what life is all about? Is there a truth we will all find out about? When we die, is there something else, somewhere else? I don't know, I thought I was finding out, I would like to believe there is a point to all this, and I honour the choices and beliefs of others.
All I know is I can't prove anything, all I know is I thought I was finding out some answers.
If it all comes down to faith then I've lost what faith I had in myself and my beliefs.
I can't judge anyone elses choices in life, what they choose to focus on.
That they live the way they do, that they choose not to explore further.
I can't judge anyone else, only myself and find myself wanting.
All I know is I can't prove anything, all I know is I thought I was finding out some answers.
If it all comes down to faith then I've lost what faith I had in myself and my beliefs.
I can't judge anyone elses choices in life, what they choose to focus on.
That they live the way they do, that they choose not to explore further.
I can't judge anyone else, only myself and find myself wanting.
Saturday 12 April 2014
Hmmm what a waste
Well, perhaps you never know until you try, in this case all I can say is I tried, and now I know
Or don't know as the case may be, and I hope that for others, i haven't damaged their certainty.
I feel like I've persuaded myself and possibly others that there was a way of seeing the world,
different to the one everyone else believes in, or at least along the lines of a less rational view
So I can only apologise, and feel like i've lead myself a merry dance into v dangerous waters,
you see as i may have mentioned in the past and deleted the posts, i've become convinced of
a possibility that over the years i've gradually become more and more sure of some nonsense
which now suggests, that most if not all of my experiences were just that, my experiences...
Fucking painful to accept this though it is, I worry that my certainty may have tainted others
I now sit in the unenviable position of knowing how badly I've treated others around me and
knowing that I can't make up for the lost years, all I can do is the right thing by those I love
try to make the best of a bad job that I've made of the last several years gradually becoming
less able to function as a normal human being, more withdrawn and more judgemental and
totally believing my own bullshit stories, and then there's still the nagging fucking itching,
twitching feeling that some of it was true, it can't all be suggestion and lucky guesses no...
There's something to this life that doesn't make rational sense, and although I've got to let
go and hope I can somehow make my way back to reality, having insight at least, to see
where i've gone wrong even if i'm still making the same mistakes, to find out what it is,
knowing i've not done much harm, except to myself, and the opinions of others maybe
changed a few minds because of my single minded belief, all i can be sure of is today.
Today I don't know what the future holds or want to guess, except that i'm in it so that
I can somehow get back into a normal routine, pay off my debts somehow make right
what feels to me like a hellish nightmare and not the sort of 'soul life plan' i would've
agreed to if i'd known that this place was going to be treated in this way by me going
on about how we happen to life it doesn't happen to us, spouting new age nonsense,
as it seemed to make so much sense now it's all a giant fucking mess with my head
in the mixer, mixed up mother fucking fuckwit, now seeing how much others live
when i've been busy getting ready for a death i said i was unafraid of, a new life,
that i thought went on forever and now fear because it's all such a shlock horror
sherlocks creator wrote about a detective who only believed in the rational truth
but made a big point of supporting spiritualism in his own life and fairies at the
bottom of the garden, so what is the true truth of this life, is it to watch the golf?
or to work to recognise a spiritual dimension to our existence on this earth then?
whatever the point is i think i would like not to keep on about it anymore please
no more inspiration for me, since i shut down, called it all off, scared myself so
and so it goes on or at least i do for now, closing down, pulling back, away, oh.
Or don't know as the case may be, and I hope that for others, i haven't damaged their certainty.
I feel like I've persuaded myself and possibly others that there was a way of seeing the world,
different to the one everyone else believes in, or at least along the lines of a less rational view
So I can only apologise, and feel like i've lead myself a merry dance into v dangerous waters,
you see as i may have mentioned in the past and deleted the posts, i've become convinced of
a possibility that over the years i've gradually become more and more sure of some nonsense
which now suggests, that most if not all of my experiences were just that, my experiences...
Fucking painful to accept this though it is, I worry that my certainty may have tainted others
I now sit in the unenviable position of knowing how badly I've treated others around me and
knowing that I can't make up for the lost years, all I can do is the right thing by those I love
try to make the best of a bad job that I've made of the last several years gradually becoming
less able to function as a normal human being, more withdrawn and more judgemental and
totally believing my own bullshit stories, and then there's still the nagging fucking itching,
twitching feeling that some of it was true, it can't all be suggestion and lucky guesses no...
There's something to this life that doesn't make rational sense, and although I've got to let
go and hope I can somehow make my way back to reality, having insight at least, to see
where i've gone wrong even if i'm still making the same mistakes, to find out what it is,
knowing i've not done much harm, except to myself, and the opinions of others maybe
changed a few minds because of my single minded belief, all i can be sure of is today.
Today I don't know what the future holds or want to guess, except that i'm in it so that
I can somehow get back into a normal routine, pay off my debts somehow make right
what feels to me like a hellish nightmare and not the sort of 'soul life plan' i would've
agreed to if i'd known that this place was going to be treated in this way by me going
on about how we happen to life it doesn't happen to us, spouting new age nonsense,
as it seemed to make so much sense now it's all a giant fucking mess with my head
in the mixer, mixed up mother fucking fuckwit, now seeing how much others live
when i've been busy getting ready for a death i said i was unafraid of, a new life,
that i thought went on forever and now fear because it's all such a shlock horror
sherlocks creator wrote about a detective who only believed in the rational truth
but made a big point of supporting spiritualism in his own life and fairies at the
bottom of the garden, so what is the true truth of this life, is it to watch the golf?
or to work to recognise a spiritual dimension to our existence on this earth then?
whatever the point is i think i would like not to keep on about it anymore please
no more inspiration for me, since i shut down, called it all off, scared myself so
and so it goes on or at least i do for now, closing down, pulling back, away, oh.
Saturday 5 April 2014
a nightmare
a nightmare
i had one the other night, or morning, i woke up in a dream from sleeping
i was in bed with someone, and above me in the dream was a ghostly thing floating, grey hair, arms no legs more like an apparition from the waist down, kissing me causing me to awaken in the dream
so i woke up from my sleep, to remember this dream, of me sleeping and waking from a dream
if this is me waking from a beautiful dream into a terrible nightmare that is what it feels like
Friday 4 April 2014
Something Good
Ok some good things...
if you have a headache or even if you don't try this:-
place your index fingers into the space, place behind your ear lobes, with your finger prints against your skin, let them settle there naturally and then start pushing in and up, mostly in as though you were pushing towards the front of your head, and in and up and find that as you do it may become a little sore, there may be a little discomfort but as you keep going, and you can't do yourself any harm (and you can always give them a wiggle while they're there if you like) you will find you can't even hear the world outside going on around you and when you feel ready, slowly let your fingers come back down and out and then feel how clear your whole head feels.
If you feel like giving someone a massage but you're not very good at it, why not let your fingers just settle and rest wherever they naturally feel like doing so, usually you want to start at or near the shoulders, fingers spread out, thumbs in the middle, then push in slowly, letting the other person push back against you too if they so wish, which also means they can control how hard you are pushing in, and also how much they wish to allow this to deeply work. As you push in slowly, they may feel a little discomfort, which is why it's nice to let them push back. Then slowly let your fingers come away, and feel as the tissues around the area plump up around your finger tips, almost as though you were pressing on pressure valves that are now releasing so much tension. Then move your fingers and thumbs lower down the back and continue as far down as you need to, or as they wish you to.
If you want to know how to massage others, work on yourself, any aches and pains just get stuck in, let your fingers work into any area that feels tight or tense, explore, don't worry you know what feels good and what doesn't and you can find out, safely on yourself first before you experiment on others.
sliding motions are good, one thing though don't use your thumb tip, use the knuckle of the thumb, otherwise you may be asking for a problem with your thumbs later on, working in circles at first is good, then slide up or down, let's say it's your arm or leg, small circles at first and then maybe bigger ones as you start to work on the whole area. It's your body and you can reach most places.
A great technique for massaging your own feet is to lay on your front, bending your knees and reaching back so that both hands can work on a foot at the same time, really works wonders for removing the aches and pains of a hard day of being on your feet, the more you learn about what feels good for you, the easier it will be to be able to work on others too, but be gentle, ask do they prefer light or firm pressure? Always start gently and as you feel it is necessary work any knots out.
Massage is a joy to receive but I have found it to be even more joyful to give, to give others relief from aches and pains, to reach the areas they can't, to show others how easy it is when they try.
Love
Jon
x
if you have a headache or even if you don't try this:-
place your index fingers into the space, place behind your ear lobes, with your finger prints against your skin, let them settle there naturally and then start pushing in and up, mostly in as though you were pushing towards the front of your head, and in and up and find that as you do it may become a little sore, there may be a little discomfort but as you keep going, and you can't do yourself any harm (and you can always give them a wiggle while they're there if you like) you will find you can't even hear the world outside going on around you and when you feel ready, slowly let your fingers come back down and out and then feel how clear your whole head feels.
If you feel like giving someone a massage but you're not very good at it, why not let your fingers just settle and rest wherever they naturally feel like doing so, usually you want to start at or near the shoulders, fingers spread out, thumbs in the middle, then push in slowly, letting the other person push back against you too if they so wish, which also means they can control how hard you are pushing in, and also how much they wish to allow this to deeply work. As you push in slowly, they may feel a little discomfort, which is why it's nice to let them push back. Then slowly let your fingers come away, and feel as the tissues around the area plump up around your finger tips, almost as though you were pressing on pressure valves that are now releasing so much tension. Then move your fingers and thumbs lower down the back and continue as far down as you need to, or as they wish you to.
If you want to know how to massage others, work on yourself, any aches and pains just get stuck in, let your fingers work into any area that feels tight or tense, explore, don't worry you know what feels good and what doesn't and you can find out, safely on yourself first before you experiment on others.
sliding motions are good, one thing though don't use your thumb tip, use the knuckle of the thumb, otherwise you may be asking for a problem with your thumbs later on, working in circles at first is good, then slide up or down, let's say it's your arm or leg, small circles at first and then maybe bigger ones as you start to work on the whole area. It's your body and you can reach most places.
A great technique for massaging your own feet is to lay on your front, bending your knees and reaching back so that both hands can work on a foot at the same time, really works wonders for removing the aches and pains of a hard day of being on your feet, the more you learn about what feels good for you, the easier it will be to be able to work on others too, but be gentle, ask do they prefer light or firm pressure? Always start gently and as you feel it is necessary work any knots out.
Massage is a joy to receive but I have found it to be even more joyful to give, to give others relief from aches and pains, to reach the areas they can't, to show others how easy it is when they try.
Love
Jon
x
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