Thursday 30 October 2014
augustus gloop
in august i danced for the first time in months and since then my big
toenails have been hanging on by a thread, since then everything has
gotten better with my head, living life going through a process of
accepting my own worst fears and failings it must be said, working out
where others were to blame, taking onboard where it was me, opening up
my heart, honestly realising where I needed my head read, finally
getting some sense of what life is all about and what i need, what I
could, should and shouldn't heed, how to go forward, face the challenges
with some courage, scared all the time indeed, facing that and trying
not to make every sentence rhyme or fit, getting used to it, this thing
called loife is harder and easier innit...
Friday 24 October 2014
flutterby
Someone echoed what I've believed in my heart and maybe it's a dream, maybe it's something I would like to happen, that won't but is there to give us a false sense of security in this scary assed world full of fear and anxiety that we won't be loved.
They said that this is a time for healers to bring about a change in conciousness, that brought forth into the world will be a future time that is nearly here for us all.
When we will all come to learn the truth that has been hidden, lied about, kept from us for so long that we are love, that we can create and spread it around for all.
The hundredth twelfth monkey that will mean it's too late in a good way and that the worst is finally over, that the bad is there to shine a light on the good and so are we.
Whatever the friction, the frustration, the desire to not believe it because we've been trapped in a state of being shown a little glimpse only to have it taken away again.
To dare to dream can never be a bad thing unless you fail to make them come true.
Fail to try, fail to love, fail to be whatever it is you were meant to be, to grow into.
All of us cells within a giant chrysalis slowly burgeoning into a new life to live.
To burst forth, onto fresh wings and fly into the eternal sunshine of the heart.
They said that this is a time for healers to bring about a change in conciousness, that brought forth into the world will be a future time that is nearly here for us all.
When we will all come to learn the truth that has been hidden, lied about, kept from us for so long that we are love, that we can create and spread it around for all.
The hundredth twelfth monkey that will mean it's too late in a good way and that the worst is finally over, that the bad is there to shine a light on the good and so are we.
Whatever the friction, the frustration, the desire to not believe it because we've been trapped in a state of being shown a little glimpse only to have it taken away again.
To dare to dream can never be a bad thing unless you fail to make them come true.
Fail to try, fail to love, fail to be whatever it is you were meant to be, to grow into.
All of us cells within a giant chrysalis slowly burgeoning into a new life to live.
To burst forth, onto fresh wings and fly into the eternal sunshine of the heart.
Caught in a bitter loving battle
Caught in a bitter loving battle between hate and love, between bad and good, between devil and god.
I was both, neither, one or the other, just me, you, everyone all at once, feeling the struggle between.
As though for eternity up until now and who knows for how much longer the fight goes on still.
The feeling was that at some point, love conquers all, or at least for me it did, a sneaking suspicion still available that underlying what I was creating around me was something sinister but that's an option maybe, as though it must be possible, must be available, to allow free will to make it so.
To allow us to create new life, new worlds within and without it's all still a choice.
So I lived in that moment, those minutes whatever, however long it was.
In that place with enlightened souls around, the energy risen.
Feeling in some parts tortured in some parts blessed.
Seeing the shadow for what it is, a part of me.
Making my choice, I choose love.
Feeling the pressure subside.
Coming back to myself, back to earth, having never moved from the spot I was bedraggled in.
Looking around, seeing others as a nuisance, wanting of me things I was too tired to give.
Knowing that this process shaves the layers and skin from my eyes, from my vision.
Allowing me to see the real world that is always there masked by veils here.
The struggle continues, the battle between love and hate goes on.
As though intertwined yin and yan, ying and yang.
Springing eternal in every second a choice.
To leave old ways behind and move on?
I hope that is the option, because it felt as though this is in some ways a trap, in some ways a creation that allows new things to come into being, but in some ways still subdued, still cautious, still here.
When what would be really beautiful is for the shadow to be cast into the light, become it.
For us all to be transformed, us all to choose the light, choose what's right, become it.
Move on to a world somewhere else, maybe that's where we came from and go.
Where love is all around us, we are it, it is us, existing there forever.
That's my hope, the forgiveness I felt, the disruption of my guilt.
As though I was being let down gently to move on in this life.
To work through the areas I have failed at and move on.
Maybe even realise one whole, become whole, good.
Become the best of both, all the positive intentions.
Having to accept where I've gone wrong before.
Having to own those aspects I had ignored.
In order to own my own power, love.
Give it away as easily as I wished.
Work through the judgements.
That I make about others.
That I desire not to.
This is hard to do.
But I wouldn't wish anything else for myself and certainly I wish the best for everyone else.
When questioned extensively, a million times a second as time slowed down so much.
I got frustrated feeling as though it would go on forever, just let others be happy.
That's all I wish for and I know I'm repeating what I wrote before but this is.
The same experience that I've been through before, the looping part of it.
Each successive loop tighter, further down the plughole, up the vortex.
That I felt we travel along and to and through in the end of life.
To go to wherever it is that this place represents in this state.
A state of being that is far removed from whatever is there.
It's a fate acompli something I can do nothing about.
Apart from resisting temptations, and loving out.
Being it, giving it easily, learning to love.
Learning to ignore the other sides to it.
The other side of the coin that flipped.
Was thrown up in sky, best 2 out of 3?
As the war between hate and love,
goes on ad infinitum creating.
New ways to be, new people.
So that we all learn more.
About all the options.
Finally choosing,
to leave once
more forever
go to love x
I was both, neither, one or the other, just me, you, everyone all at once, feeling the struggle between.
As though for eternity up until now and who knows for how much longer the fight goes on still.
The feeling was that at some point, love conquers all, or at least for me it did, a sneaking suspicion still available that underlying what I was creating around me was something sinister but that's an option maybe, as though it must be possible, must be available, to allow free will to make it so.
To allow us to create new life, new worlds within and without it's all still a choice.
So I lived in that moment, those minutes whatever, however long it was.
In that place with enlightened souls around, the energy risen.
Feeling in some parts tortured in some parts blessed.
Seeing the shadow for what it is, a part of me.
Making my choice, I choose love.
Feeling the pressure subside.
Coming back to myself, back to earth, having never moved from the spot I was bedraggled in.
Looking around, seeing others as a nuisance, wanting of me things I was too tired to give.
Knowing that this process shaves the layers and skin from my eyes, from my vision.
Allowing me to see the real world that is always there masked by veils here.
The struggle continues, the battle between love and hate goes on.
As though intertwined yin and yan, ying and yang.
Springing eternal in every second a choice.
To leave old ways behind and move on?
I hope that is the option, because it felt as though this is in some ways a trap, in some ways a creation that allows new things to come into being, but in some ways still subdued, still cautious, still here.
When what would be really beautiful is for the shadow to be cast into the light, become it.
For us all to be transformed, us all to choose the light, choose what's right, become it.
Move on to a world somewhere else, maybe that's where we came from and go.
Where love is all around us, we are it, it is us, existing there forever.
That's my hope, the forgiveness I felt, the disruption of my guilt.
As though I was being let down gently to move on in this life.
To work through the areas I have failed at and move on.
Maybe even realise one whole, become whole, good.
Become the best of both, all the positive intentions.
Having to accept where I've gone wrong before.
Having to own those aspects I had ignored.
In order to own my own power, love.
Give it away as easily as I wished.
Work through the judgements.
That I make about others.
That I desire not to.
This is hard to do.
But I wouldn't wish anything else for myself and certainly I wish the best for everyone else.
When questioned extensively, a million times a second as time slowed down so much.
I got frustrated feeling as though it would go on forever, just let others be happy.
That's all I wish for and I know I'm repeating what I wrote before but this is.
The same experience that I've been through before, the looping part of it.
Each successive loop tighter, further down the plughole, up the vortex.
That I felt we travel along and to and through in the end of life.
To go to wherever it is that this place represents in this state.
A state of being that is far removed from whatever is there.
It's a fate acompli something I can do nothing about.
Apart from resisting temptations, and loving out.
Being it, giving it easily, learning to love.
Learning to ignore the other sides to it.
The other side of the coin that flipped.
Was thrown up in sky, best 2 out of 3?
As the war between hate and love,
goes on ad infinitum creating.
New ways to be, new people.
So that we all learn more.
About all the options.
Finally choosing,
to leave once
more forever
go to love x
Thursday 23 October 2014
Been There Before
Back To Basics
Been There Before
In a space, a place beyond, beyond life? I don't know, I felt the link, the connection between everything good and everything evil, God the Devil, whatever you wish to call what makes up this reality or whatever lies behind it all. I was looping, having snide remarks about how long it was taking me to catch on this time, as though all creations are merely versions of something that came a long time ago, a chance for something new to occur, to us all, to learn again, or for the first time.
As though good and bad, so aligned, perhaps maligned, loving and hating each other for eternity.
Wishing to be released, to move on, to progress to somewhere else, but how? To love of course.
The only recourse in fact as I was threatened lightly, to be shown the truth, the dark side of it.
I didn't wish to see it, what lies on the other side, what came before, as though when facing away from me the darker truth was there to be seen if only I had wished to do so, of others, of myself.
I relaxed into the moment, as turn by turn, second by second, there was this battle within.
Between good and bad, I chose love, I felt it was the only way forward, out, away.
People around seemed familiar as though we're done this journey before.
Hard to work out what it all means, because I was god, I was the other.
From that perspective all I could do was keep on choosing love.
To have the world around me transformed by that decision.
I got desperate and shouted internally 'I just want everyone else to be happy' after all the questions about what I desire for myself, in the state of being able to have anything I desired, wished to be.
That's too much power for one individual, it isn't up to me to decide everyone elses fate.
Almost as if I was being offered ultimate power again and baulking away from it.
Shrinking back into myself, it was a tiring session, a tiring lesson, I chose right.
From my point of view, I chose right that time and would again I hope.
Coming back to myself, finding connection to others difficult.
Spaced out over the days since, coming back to earth, bang.
Having experienced energies again, sent healing again, sensed and felt connection again.
So I wish to proceed, if I am to do so, to somehow grow out of my old patterns.
To be of use to the world in some way, to send love out and maybe receive it.
Humbling myself, stumbling myself, glad my car was fine after my panic.
Glad that others asked after me, they were so kind thanks from my heart.
Never knowing to push harder or shrink and shy away I have to try.
Maybe never to understand in this life, but to connect, to live.
Wish the world a happy ending whatever happens to me.
I would like to think i was good in the past but that,
well that's come to be something i wonder about.
Maybe there's some karma here to let go of.
Perhaps this is my chance to love freely.
Maybe this is all of our chances.
In these days, end of the beginning, beginning of the end, maybe something new will appear.
Leaving behind certain things a necessity, to the process allows us as humans, with free will.
To do just that, to choose another path to the one we lived as energy in another life before...
Now as energy, as a being of matter, I felt energy within me, pulsing into my hands, inside my body, variously over the last few days, leeching out and gone now, although when I meditate is it there?
I have to work hard to clear my desk, clear my doubts, stop repeating old habits.
As I see the ways others live and breath their way through a day in the life.
Wondering why it is that I am different and wondering how much?
Knowing that some questions may have to wait until the end.
Feeling as though I have to find the courage to try again.
Whatever it is internally that tells me to fail, fall over.
Is it from the past, several? Is it from this life?
I felt as though my memory was faulty.
As though there were, are gaps here.
Perhaps all will become clear.
One day, when all this ends.
Signing off now thankyou.
Been There Before
In a space, a place beyond, beyond life? I don't know, I felt the link, the connection between everything good and everything evil, God the Devil, whatever you wish to call what makes up this reality or whatever lies behind it all. I was looping, having snide remarks about how long it was taking me to catch on this time, as though all creations are merely versions of something that came a long time ago, a chance for something new to occur, to us all, to learn again, or for the first time.
As though good and bad, so aligned, perhaps maligned, loving and hating each other for eternity.
Wishing to be released, to move on, to progress to somewhere else, but how? To love of course.
The only recourse in fact as I was threatened lightly, to be shown the truth, the dark side of it.
I didn't wish to see it, what lies on the other side, what came before, as though when facing away from me the darker truth was there to be seen if only I had wished to do so, of others, of myself.
I relaxed into the moment, as turn by turn, second by second, there was this battle within.
Between good and bad, I chose love, I felt it was the only way forward, out, away.
People around seemed familiar as though we're done this journey before.
Hard to work out what it all means, because I was god, I was the other.
From that perspective all I could do was keep on choosing love.
To have the world around me transformed by that decision.
I got desperate and shouted internally 'I just want everyone else to be happy' after all the questions about what I desire for myself, in the state of being able to have anything I desired, wished to be.
That's too much power for one individual, it isn't up to me to decide everyone elses fate.
Almost as if I was being offered ultimate power again and baulking away from it.
Shrinking back into myself, it was a tiring session, a tiring lesson, I chose right.
From my point of view, I chose right that time and would again I hope.
Coming back to myself, finding connection to others difficult.
Spaced out over the days since, coming back to earth, bang.
Having experienced energies again, sent healing again, sensed and felt connection again.
So I wish to proceed, if I am to do so, to somehow grow out of my old patterns.
To be of use to the world in some way, to send love out and maybe receive it.
Humbling myself, stumbling myself, glad my car was fine after my panic.
Glad that others asked after me, they were so kind thanks from my heart.
Never knowing to push harder or shrink and shy away I have to try.
Maybe never to understand in this life, but to connect, to live.
Wish the world a happy ending whatever happens to me.
I would like to think i was good in the past but that,
well that's come to be something i wonder about.
Maybe there's some karma here to let go of.
Perhaps this is my chance to love freely.
Maybe this is all of our chances.
In these days, end of the beginning, beginning of the end, maybe something new will appear.
Leaving behind certain things a necessity, to the process allows us as humans, with free will.
To do just that, to choose another path to the one we lived as energy in another life before...
Now as energy, as a being of matter, I felt energy within me, pulsing into my hands, inside my body, variously over the last few days, leeching out and gone now, although when I meditate is it there?
I have to work hard to clear my desk, clear my doubts, stop repeating old habits.
As I see the ways others live and breath their way through a day in the life.
Wondering why it is that I am different and wondering how much?
Knowing that some questions may have to wait until the end.
Feeling as though I have to find the courage to try again.
Whatever it is internally that tells me to fail, fall over.
Is it from the past, several? Is it from this life?
I felt as though my memory was faulty.
As though there were, are gaps here.
Perhaps all will become clear.
One day, when all this ends.
Signing off now thankyou.
Tuesday 21 October 2014
splurge
Purge, energy surge, alive and nearly a lert, being, vacillating,
oscillating between heaven and hell, energy swell, good, bad but never
indifferent the battle between love and hate is a choice I made, i
choose love, sending it out, a loving litter lout.
Something's gotta give so it's me, letting it out, internal scream and shout, let it go, bring it up, better out than in son, get rid of this one from deep inside your belly. Legs like jelly, sweating, flooded with emotion and release, joy, passion, fire.
Something's gotta give so it's me, letting it out, internal scream and shout, let it go, bring it up, better out than in son, get rid of this one from deep inside your belly. Legs like jelly, sweating, flooded with emotion and release, joy, passion, fire.
I was my father and my son, me you, everyone, everything, a dog, a cat,
a cheetah paws licking, surveying the savannah, having fun, listening
to everyone, seeing smiles spending whiles whiling away, energising,
visualising, sendin love, showered.
Harder than I thought but easier too gone my friction in the form of frustration, that was blocking all elation, going with the flow, not having to know, think about, decide, going on this awesome ride, massaging here and there, there, there xxxxx
Harder than I thought but easier too gone my friction in the form of frustration, that was blocking all elation, going with the flow, not having to know, think about, decide, going on this awesome ride, massaging here and there, there, there xxxxx
Tuesday 14 October 2014
One for the little boy who lives down the lane
Got to tell a story and I'm doing it here because everything I am tells me to bare my soul and if the universe, or god, or whatever you want to call it keeps giving me opportunities to meet amazing people, sooner or later I've got to take that chance, accept that I am loved, can love, be a better person, stop living with guilt or heal from it so here goes...
When I was young there weren't many folks around, we live, I have lived in the middle of nowhere forever, on the edge of the woods, been the little boy who lives down the lane and then I met her a girl called Lane, or Max as I knew her.
I didn't know what flirting was, I was 20 and I was told I was flirting with this person, I was shocked, I just thought I was being nice ;) and then I got terrified. I literally couldn't be in the same place, the same space, but was forced to be.
Our friends emotionally blackmailed me into getting together so we could sort it out as it was causing them enough grief to threaten me with violence if I didn't ;)
I've always loved to massage and when we got together after I asked her what she would say if I asked her out, and then after asking her what she would say, I asked her out ;) I performed without realising it, a Kundalini massage to the spine.
Whether this was something I was meant to do, to be there for others, to heal, to give others the comfort of relief from their pain it's a talent I've given freely.
It also draws on my deepest insecurities so it's come as no surprise to me that it happens quite naturally when my inhibitions are gone and so are theirs at parties.
This as far as I'm concerned set off a series of events in someone who was already troubled herself, had her own issues and fears and desperate need to connect, to trust, to be a better person, only it caused us to be torn apart because of it.
My fear caused us to split, it was all too much, my first relationship, first kiss, first everything and something happened that made me stay pushed away, made me recoil again, pull back, want to be as far away as I could get from my love.
We needed to be friends but she didn't want to be only that and I did at the time.
Years later I found out that the trauma, the reason for the healing to take place meant that her life was saved, she's an amazing woman and has love in her life. I can't take credit for this, I wasn't around anymore we'd gone our separate ways, it was necessary for her to get to rock bottom and see that life was worth living.
That's a great feeling and the release for me was intense, knowing I'd made my decision and stuck to it, even though I'd listened to what others were telling me and it went against everything I felt deep in my heart that we should be together.
These days have been the worst I could imagine and they're not over, it takes a lot of courage to open up and every time I did it was too late, I'd become someone daring to love the people that were safe, those who I could never be with, to keep me from ever being hurt that badly again, or hurting someone that badly again.
Unreturned affection for friends became a habit that I've learned not to repeat...
Um not sure where this was going, so I'll end it by saying thanks for the lessons I've learnt, for the perspective I've been given to see all this after years of recrimination.
Forgiveness is something I had to give myself after forgiving every one else <3
When I was young there weren't many folks around, we live, I have lived in the middle of nowhere forever, on the edge of the woods, been the little boy who lives down the lane and then I met her a girl called Lane, or Max as I knew her.
I didn't know what flirting was, I was 20 and I was told I was flirting with this person, I was shocked, I just thought I was being nice ;) and then I got terrified. I literally couldn't be in the same place, the same space, but was forced to be.
Our friends emotionally blackmailed me into getting together so we could sort it out as it was causing them enough grief to threaten me with violence if I didn't ;)
I've always loved to massage and when we got together after I asked her what she would say if I asked her out, and then after asking her what she would say, I asked her out ;) I performed without realising it, a Kundalini massage to the spine.
Whether this was something I was meant to do, to be there for others, to heal, to give others the comfort of relief from their pain it's a talent I've given freely.
It also draws on my deepest insecurities so it's come as no surprise to me that it happens quite naturally when my inhibitions are gone and so are theirs at parties.
This as far as I'm concerned set off a series of events in someone who was already troubled herself, had her own issues and fears and desperate need to connect, to trust, to be a better person, only it caused us to be torn apart because of it.
My fear caused us to split, it was all too much, my first relationship, first kiss, first everything and something happened that made me stay pushed away, made me recoil again, pull back, want to be as far away as I could get from my love.
We needed to be friends but she didn't want to be only that and I did at the time.
Years later I found out that the trauma, the reason for the healing to take place meant that her life was saved, she's an amazing woman and has love in her life. I can't take credit for this, I wasn't around anymore we'd gone our separate ways, it was necessary for her to get to rock bottom and see that life was worth living.
That's a great feeling and the release for me was intense, knowing I'd made my decision and stuck to it, even though I'd listened to what others were telling me and it went against everything I felt deep in my heart that we should be together.
These days have been the worst I could imagine and they're not over, it takes a lot of courage to open up and every time I did it was too late, I'd become someone daring to love the people that were safe, those who I could never be with, to keep me from ever being hurt that badly again, or hurting someone that badly again.
Unreturned affection for friends became a habit that I've learned not to repeat...
Um not sure where this was going, so I'll end it by saying thanks for the lessons I've learnt, for the perspective I've been given to see all this after years of recrimination.
Forgiveness is something I had to give myself after forgiving every one else <3
Monday 13 October 2014
Fight Club or 'You Met Me at a Very Strange Time of my Life'
You only get to do something for the first time once, like watching Fight Club...
Or finding yourself with friends near a gothic looking bridge under a railway line next to a muddy flash flooded river channel slap bang in the centre of a city having a free party and discovering...
It'll never be the same again, not if I go there, the wonder, the amusement, the slipping and sliding around in beautiful clay mud to go for a piss or to take in the sights, the secret sights of Bristol.
Met some great folks, a chance connection that means I could learn how to make fire.
In the traditional sense, not buying a disposable lighter but I could gain a new skill.
I plan to, if I can re-get-over my dislike for the telephone, the stuck feeling.
In that moment, where I have to press the dial button, wait for a reply.
That's the feeling of having no energy, not knowing the outcome.
The way that internally it's the same for me when its you.
I somehow managed to love talking to someone.
I talked too much, because I was nervous.
Or other factors I won't go into here.
The first rule of fight club is:-
You Do NOT Talk About Fight Club.
But back to the reason this has inspired me.
I would like to think that the government were on our side.
Then I remember they allow people to sell us poisons, they allow people to get away with business practises that don't take into account that the bottom line should be humans bodies not profit margins.
I can't go into that again, the product recall strategy, if it costs less to pay a few people off, if it costs less to do the wrong thing rather than the right one, they don't have to bother improving things.
We all breath the shared fuel fume tainted air onboard our holiday flight or whatever your excuse.
For getting into the cabin of an aeroplane and travelling somewhere on our weekends or holidays.
Often I don't mean things as definitely as I state them, I like to draw attention to the extremes of life.
That way when you realise where I'm wrong it doesn't matter, you're already there, at the truth.
I don't like the fact that I know someone reads my blog because it makes me temper what I'm saying.
Makes me self concious, at the same time I love the fact that someone somewhere reads it, whether it's because they are ambulance chasers, waiting for the car crash that my life has been, become, whatever... Voyeurism, a desire to see if there's some value, some diamonds amongst the shit.
So it's a creative issue, must be for a lot of artists maybe that's why they're so fucked up.
I never wanted to fail at things, especially involving others, that way they're not collateral damage.
If I didn't have another go at something I was rubbish at at least I'd know the answer to that.
So funnily enough I went around Saturday night having another go at everything, into sunday, sleep deprived until I get home, a roast dinner being prepared, if I lived alone would I bother? Says something about community, that what we have become is post industrial revolution slobs.
We worked the land, we were of the land, we were the chosen, the few, the survivors.
Of a long line of whatever it is we are, fallen angels, sleeping gods, men, women.
Apes relatives, the genetic experiment of an alien thingamajig, oojameflip.
Nonsense words, gobbledegook, old racial slurs, vibing on mistakes.
Ours of the past, those we will undoubtedly make from now on.
Some of us falling by the wayside, naturally so, unnaturally so.
A Million ways to die in the west, north, east and south of bits.
Spreading across the world as we are because no-one said no.
Except the chinese and those people that sterilised folks before.
You don't use it you lose it, it's been so long I couldn't sign my name.
I don't write with a pen anymore, not very often, ok I exaggerated.
I'm sure I was better at spelling but the machines do it for us now.
Usurping our role how long will it be before they replace us all?
Or we become transhuman? Full of inorganic faux organic bits.
A replacement heart works but without a heart what is a person?
Do they feel the same, without those neurons within their core?
The heart sends more information to the brain than the brain does to the heart.
Pseudo science, spiritual nonsense that made so much sense before and again.
Spirit science, tales of atlantis, toth the atlantean, ancient egypt, nasca lines.
Where is it drawn into the world the real truth for us to find is it there at all?
Are we just rats in a maze, teaching rats to find their way around a maze?
Is that the point, of self discovery, to become god at a later date because.
Because well, because there's only one destination for us as a species?
After all we could destroy ourselves, ravage the planet until it can no longer support life like ours, until we've stretched natures oceans and river bank balances, the ecosystems to a point of no return?
At this rate, rather than be told not to have more than one child and encouraged to think about other forms of life more than whether between you as a couple you think three is a nice number, rather than being brought up to face the ways in which we have already screwed the pooch, damaged ourselves.
No instead of teaching the truth to the young, realising it ourselves, we're blind deaf and dumb.
Literally dumbing ourselves down, brain sized getting smaller since the farming thing we did.
Since we settled in one place, creating all industry, greed, politics, lots of man's inventions.
Womens' too I shouldn't let half of the population off the hook without being fair, equal.
Trodden under foot though and treated like second class citizens even after the blacks got the right to be thought of as people rather than chattels, evolving, fighting for our rights, our own autonomy.
Fighting for everything we've ever had, life itself, and still we puny, petty humans fall in line.
Cos it's easier than stressing ourselves out, because we're lead by fools and evil men.
Many don't think they can make a difference, so like sceptics they never see it.
For me now, meeting people who remember meeting me I feel like Tyler.
Or like the person who became Mr Durden in the film of the title of this blog entry.
I've come a long way and I have all sorts of things to thank for that and blame.
It keeps coming down to the same words I heard over and over like a record.
The perfect storm, Damned if you do, You've made your bed, thoughts.
Pelting me with guilt, survivors guilt for not having tried harder.
In some case for never having tried at all, going through motions, bowel movement.
Riffing now on the urge to see this world fall, the credit card companies buildings.
Like they do in Fight Club, someone takes a stand, maybe misguided, creating chaos but not a loss of life, most people in the developed world would be better off if the system fell apart, ok the stress of the gangs looting, the dwindling food supply, the long term pressure to find another way but yes.
Most would lose a few pounds they put on sitting on their asses doing nothing, literally nothing.
Consuming, food stuff designed to make you want more, designed to give you zero nutrition.
So that your body craves, actual real food, ya know the stuff that doesn't taste as nice.
It's sour, or there's no sweetness, our pallets, grown weak, favouring processed shit.
Unable to taste what our bodies scream out for, stuff that's good for us, to live.
Craving sugar, get a headache when you haven't had some, another when you have?
The best things for us, the greatest medecine is often the most foul tasting, like the truth.
Sometimes we have to go through pain, like childbirth, to create something wonderful, like life.
I wonder at the people who face it, could I, would I, relate to someone nearly dying, more than sex.
Sex is a mini death itself, it's one of the most stressful things you can put your body through.
Well, that's orgasm, that's the physical stress of fucking I'm talking about, taking something.
Giving yourself a present, I'd like to make a distinction, sex is about your cum, pleasure.
Making love is about giving love, giving the other person the time of their life and you?
Well you get yours because that's their goal, not to cum, together, separately, whatever.
We've degenerated into users of toys, don't listen to them, they don't add anything.
They are merely aids to masterbation, whether he's dildoing your clit or not.
Chasing a better cum, a longer orgasm, that fake way they don't look.
They don't look in each others eyes when they fuck, not really.
Because they don't have a connection, they don't love...
Perversion of a beautiful truth, typo was beautifuk.
Could be freudian i'm going with next door keys.
Anyway even if you all knew anyone well enough to be making love as I've described the difference, you'd still wanna fuck because tantra is something Sting does to Trudi Styler and he says he feels like a 20 something at 50 something because of yoga, but that's just another posh expensive catch on fad.
Maybe we're turning a corner, as I suspect things have gotten so bad, some of us are trying what worked before, there have always been bad apples that fell not so far from the tree of life.
In the garden of our past, maybe all fables, myths and legends really are based on a seed.
A small seemingly insignificant part of the story that was true one day in the past.
Driving me to distraction from the monotony of my search for work again.
Claiming from the state, allowing me to become mobile again so...
I have to be grateful for the gesture, for the support, the help.
It's coming to a head and some day, one day soon, yep.
Something gonna happen to make it clear to all.
Not just the canaries like me going out of our tiny minds, with worry for africans who don't have clean running water, they all need to be like us, can I afford to donate £6 $6 to come together with others everywhere who see it, or like me have faced death, faced hell, and heaven and chosen.
I choose to keep on going, to be a mixture of old habits and new ones, trying to change.
Attempting to escape the inertia, I know the feeling, it's like knowing something.
But being unable to express it, like a fading dream, maybe I'm not a canary.
Maybe my desire to go off grid, but use hospitals if necessary actually.
Maybe my feeling that I should be dying maybe younger from a tough but worthy life, that I could be free from the burden of bills, debts, reasons to stay chained to jobs I'm going to hate, to the seconds as they build, when I'm just an employee and I have nothing to do, or something so inane it kills me.
I choose to learn skills useful to a natural human, making fire, stone walling, build a fucking house.
Not spend the rest of my life paying some cunt in a suit for one, with money I earn, to pay back the number they created on a computer when they entered in the details of my death duty, my mortgage.
Funny I always had the notion that I didn't repeat myself, but the themes these days seem familiar.
Familial, aunt in hospital after heart surgery, that will extend her life, so grateful for her family.
To the doctors, even the surgeons who training fighting instinct is to see a body as a machine.
Just spare parts and useless primordial vestigial, aw shucks I was hoping it was festigial.
A festival of moral high ground and low points all on display for us to be drawn to.
It got to the point that I found the core of me, the survival mechanism, the real me?
I don't know but it acts in the best interests of others but thinks about itself, narcissist.
Daft fucker who always felt ugly, having any self respect at all seems like a joke, but this?
Actually resonating between judging others based on their appearance, in public and this?
Is it encoded, is it just me, was I entrained to think this way about lovely human beings?
-
Glad it's raining, it always makes me feel, at this time of year, this weather, like a fungi
Sorry psilocybin semilanceata joke, you had to be there, like our ancestors, who tasted
They got the best bite out of life you could possibly experience, nearly dying each day
Knowing that any type of injury could be life threatening but living like a tiger or lion
Literally unscathed by fear like an animal, literally an animal, knowing our place here
Unable to comprehend, living on instinct, unsentient, not thinking for ourselves only
less selfish, more connected, the rough and the smooth, lives saved by mobile phone
Swings and roundabouts, should I stay or should I go now? If I go there will be
trouble, if I stay it will be double, but you've got to let me know, I've got to.
Got to Got to Got to try a little tenderness, now i'm just spouting lyrics
So best to sign off here before I end up paying royalties, oh dear
don't get me started on those who sit atop our great pyramid
the ones who do their best but are the very poster child
the poster boys and girls of the haves who leave us
as have nots, not because we're undesserving
but because for some of us to be poor
some of us have to be rich
that's the conundrum
hear the countdown
snap back t' reality
or whatever this
place is really
a trap of our
own design
a test that
creates
gods
I don't fucking know
all i can do is try to
learn more while
I'm here, give
a little love
when I
can
x
Or finding yourself with friends near a gothic looking bridge under a railway line next to a muddy flash flooded river channel slap bang in the centre of a city having a free party and discovering...
It'll never be the same again, not if I go there, the wonder, the amusement, the slipping and sliding around in beautiful clay mud to go for a piss or to take in the sights, the secret sights of Bristol.
Met some great folks, a chance connection that means I could learn how to make fire.
In the traditional sense, not buying a disposable lighter but I could gain a new skill.
I plan to, if I can re-get-over my dislike for the telephone, the stuck feeling.
In that moment, where I have to press the dial button, wait for a reply.
That's the feeling of having no energy, not knowing the outcome.
The way that internally it's the same for me when its you.
I somehow managed to love talking to someone.
I talked too much, because I was nervous.
Or other factors I won't go into here.
The first rule of fight club is:-
You Do NOT Talk About Fight Club.
But back to the reason this has inspired me.
I would like to think that the government were on our side.
Then I remember they allow people to sell us poisons, they allow people to get away with business practises that don't take into account that the bottom line should be humans bodies not profit margins.
I can't go into that again, the product recall strategy, if it costs less to pay a few people off, if it costs less to do the wrong thing rather than the right one, they don't have to bother improving things.
We all breath the shared fuel fume tainted air onboard our holiday flight or whatever your excuse.
For getting into the cabin of an aeroplane and travelling somewhere on our weekends or holidays.
Often I don't mean things as definitely as I state them, I like to draw attention to the extremes of life.
That way when you realise where I'm wrong it doesn't matter, you're already there, at the truth.
I don't like the fact that I know someone reads my blog because it makes me temper what I'm saying.
Makes me self concious, at the same time I love the fact that someone somewhere reads it, whether it's because they are ambulance chasers, waiting for the car crash that my life has been, become, whatever... Voyeurism, a desire to see if there's some value, some diamonds amongst the shit.
So it's a creative issue, must be for a lot of artists maybe that's why they're so fucked up.
I never wanted to fail at things, especially involving others, that way they're not collateral damage.
If I didn't have another go at something I was rubbish at at least I'd know the answer to that.
So funnily enough I went around Saturday night having another go at everything, into sunday, sleep deprived until I get home, a roast dinner being prepared, if I lived alone would I bother? Says something about community, that what we have become is post industrial revolution slobs.
We worked the land, we were of the land, we were the chosen, the few, the survivors.
Of a long line of whatever it is we are, fallen angels, sleeping gods, men, women.
Apes relatives, the genetic experiment of an alien thingamajig, oojameflip.
Nonsense words, gobbledegook, old racial slurs, vibing on mistakes.
Ours of the past, those we will undoubtedly make from now on.
Some of us falling by the wayside, naturally so, unnaturally so.
A Million ways to die in the west, north, east and south of bits.
Spreading across the world as we are because no-one said no.
Except the chinese and those people that sterilised folks before.
You don't use it you lose it, it's been so long I couldn't sign my name.
I don't write with a pen anymore, not very often, ok I exaggerated.
I'm sure I was better at spelling but the machines do it for us now.
Usurping our role how long will it be before they replace us all?
Or we become transhuman? Full of inorganic faux organic bits.
A replacement heart works but without a heart what is a person?
Do they feel the same, without those neurons within their core?
The heart sends more information to the brain than the brain does to the heart.
Pseudo science, spiritual nonsense that made so much sense before and again.
Spirit science, tales of atlantis, toth the atlantean, ancient egypt, nasca lines.
Where is it drawn into the world the real truth for us to find is it there at all?
Are we just rats in a maze, teaching rats to find their way around a maze?
Is that the point, of self discovery, to become god at a later date because.
Because well, because there's only one destination for us as a species?
After all we could destroy ourselves, ravage the planet until it can no longer support life like ours, until we've stretched natures oceans and river bank balances, the ecosystems to a point of no return?
At this rate, rather than be told not to have more than one child and encouraged to think about other forms of life more than whether between you as a couple you think three is a nice number, rather than being brought up to face the ways in which we have already screwed the pooch, damaged ourselves.
No instead of teaching the truth to the young, realising it ourselves, we're blind deaf and dumb.
Literally dumbing ourselves down, brain sized getting smaller since the farming thing we did.
Since we settled in one place, creating all industry, greed, politics, lots of man's inventions.
Womens' too I shouldn't let half of the population off the hook without being fair, equal.
Trodden under foot though and treated like second class citizens even after the blacks got the right to be thought of as people rather than chattels, evolving, fighting for our rights, our own autonomy.
Fighting for everything we've ever had, life itself, and still we puny, petty humans fall in line.
Cos it's easier than stressing ourselves out, because we're lead by fools and evil men.
Many don't think they can make a difference, so like sceptics they never see it.
For me now, meeting people who remember meeting me I feel like Tyler.
Or like the person who became Mr Durden in the film of the title of this blog entry.
I've come a long way and I have all sorts of things to thank for that and blame.
It keeps coming down to the same words I heard over and over like a record.
The perfect storm, Damned if you do, You've made your bed, thoughts.
Pelting me with guilt, survivors guilt for not having tried harder.
In some case for never having tried at all, going through motions, bowel movement.
Riffing now on the urge to see this world fall, the credit card companies buildings.
Like they do in Fight Club, someone takes a stand, maybe misguided, creating chaos but not a loss of life, most people in the developed world would be better off if the system fell apart, ok the stress of the gangs looting, the dwindling food supply, the long term pressure to find another way but yes.
Most would lose a few pounds they put on sitting on their asses doing nothing, literally nothing.
Consuming, food stuff designed to make you want more, designed to give you zero nutrition.
So that your body craves, actual real food, ya know the stuff that doesn't taste as nice.
It's sour, or there's no sweetness, our pallets, grown weak, favouring processed shit.
Unable to taste what our bodies scream out for, stuff that's good for us, to live.
Craving sugar, get a headache when you haven't had some, another when you have?
The best things for us, the greatest medecine is often the most foul tasting, like the truth.
Sometimes we have to go through pain, like childbirth, to create something wonderful, like life.
I wonder at the people who face it, could I, would I, relate to someone nearly dying, more than sex.
Sex is a mini death itself, it's one of the most stressful things you can put your body through.
Well, that's orgasm, that's the physical stress of fucking I'm talking about, taking something.
Giving yourself a present, I'd like to make a distinction, sex is about your cum, pleasure.
Making love is about giving love, giving the other person the time of their life and you?
Well you get yours because that's their goal, not to cum, together, separately, whatever.
We've degenerated into users of toys, don't listen to them, they don't add anything.
They are merely aids to masterbation, whether he's dildoing your clit or not.
Chasing a better cum, a longer orgasm, that fake way they don't look.
They don't look in each others eyes when they fuck, not really.
Because they don't have a connection, they don't love...
Perversion of a beautiful truth, typo was beautifuk.
Could be freudian i'm going with next door keys.
Anyway even if you all knew anyone well enough to be making love as I've described the difference, you'd still wanna fuck because tantra is something Sting does to Trudi Styler and he says he feels like a 20 something at 50 something because of yoga, but that's just another posh expensive catch on fad.
Maybe we're turning a corner, as I suspect things have gotten so bad, some of us are trying what worked before, there have always been bad apples that fell not so far from the tree of life.
In the garden of our past, maybe all fables, myths and legends really are based on a seed.
A small seemingly insignificant part of the story that was true one day in the past.
Driving me to distraction from the monotony of my search for work again.
Claiming from the state, allowing me to become mobile again so...
I have to be grateful for the gesture, for the support, the help.
It's coming to a head and some day, one day soon, yep.
Something gonna happen to make it clear to all.
Not just the canaries like me going out of our tiny minds, with worry for africans who don't have clean running water, they all need to be like us, can I afford to donate £6 $6 to come together with others everywhere who see it, or like me have faced death, faced hell, and heaven and chosen.
I choose to keep on going, to be a mixture of old habits and new ones, trying to change.
Attempting to escape the inertia, I know the feeling, it's like knowing something.
But being unable to express it, like a fading dream, maybe I'm not a canary.
Maybe my desire to go off grid, but use hospitals if necessary actually.
Maybe my feeling that I should be dying maybe younger from a tough but worthy life, that I could be free from the burden of bills, debts, reasons to stay chained to jobs I'm going to hate, to the seconds as they build, when I'm just an employee and I have nothing to do, or something so inane it kills me.
I choose to learn skills useful to a natural human, making fire, stone walling, build a fucking house.
Not spend the rest of my life paying some cunt in a suit for one, with money I earn, to pay back the number they created on a computer when they entered in the details of my death duty, my mortgage.
Funny I always had the notion that I didn't repeat myself, but the themes these days seem familiar.
Familial, aunt in hospital after heart surgery, that will extend her life, so grateful for her family.
To the doctors, even the surgeons who training fighting instinct is to see a body as a machine.
Just spare parts and useless primordial vestigial, aw shucks I was hoping it was festigial.
A festival of moral high ground and low points all on display for us to be drawn to.
It got to the point that I found the core of me, the survival mechanism, the real me?
I don't know but it acts in the best interests of others but thinks about itself, narcissist.
Daft fucker who always felt ugly, having any self respect at all seems like a joke, but this?
Actually resonating between judging others based on their appearance, in public and this?
Is it encoded, is it just me, was I entrained to think this way about lovely human beings?
-
Glad it's raining, it always makes me feel, at this time of year, this weather, like a fungi
Sorry psilocybin semilanceata joke, you had to be there, like our ancestors, who tasted
They got the best bite out of life you could possibly experience, nearly dying each day
Knowing that any type of injury could be life threatening but living like a tiger or lion
Literally unscathed by fear like an animal, literally an animal, knowing our place here
Unable to comprehend, living on instinct, unsentient, not thinking for ourselves only
less selfish, more connected, the rough and the smooth, lives saved by mobile phone
Swings and roundabouts, should I stay or should I go now? If I go there will be
trouble, if I stay it will be double, but you've got to let me know, I've got to.
Got to Got to Got to try a little tenderness, now i'm just spouting lyrics
So best to sign off here before I end up paying royalties, oh dear
don't get me started on those who sit atop our great pyramid
the ones who do their best but are the very poster child
the poster boys and girls of the haves who leave us
as have nots, not because we're undesserving
but because for some of us to be poor
some of us have to be rich
that's the conundrum
hear the countdown
snap back t' reality
or whatever this
place is really
a trap of our
own design
a test that
creates
gods
I don't fucking know
all i can do is try to
learn more while
I'm here, give
a little love
when I
can
x
Friday 10 October 2014
Selling ourselves short - long playing record
I'm hooked on a television show, as I don't watch t.v. anymore I'm watching it online and I shouldn't be bothering because to be honest it isn't very good, it's deliberately shocking, overly gruesome, the science in the show is so inaccurate as to be misleading and dangerously so if anyone based their life on what it purports to be the truth in any way shape or form. Yet this show was made, it survived its first series, or season if you are in the states, where it was made. The first run was awful, it stretches the need to put aside your sense of disbelief more than almost anything I've ever seen, you really do have to and I can't remember the words, but it's very far fetched to say the least, it's beyond the fringe.
It's called Fringe, and the actors do their best, in fact it's the prostitution of them that I am referring to here, the fact that many of them appearing in the show, obviously have to work to live, to do their job, to keep on acting, to do the profession that they love, many times over they must have to do things that aren't very good, even if they can do their best, the scripts are bad, the production poor, the show itself this show, I kinda love it, I want to know where it's going even though the lead character I don't rate her as an actress, I liked something the leading man was in, and the other male character is great.
I want to quickly blame the system itself, the television networks, the product placement, the advertisers, executives, the short deadlines for the writers, the creative stress rather than the joy.
Instead of something coming from the imagination over time, it is produced, by many minds, pulled in many directions at once, sell yourself to these age groups, be this, be that, demographics...
So I'm hooked on this show and watching every episode knowing that it's over now, it's in the can.
I feel for anyone who acts, I could never have handled the rejection, the pressure, or at least that is how I feel even though I'm a natural performer, when my inhibitions are gone it comes out of me.
I have suffered from stage fright when it comes to life itself, my inner turmoil, my doubts rule. They've lead me not to try to do things I would dearly have loved to, lead me here to this living death. This stage of life where I'm going through the motions, like an ageing actor dying on stage.
My role is a supporting one now that I've come back from the brink of quitting all the world, having to play on, finding ways to do that, ways to try to right the wrongs within the script of my life.
I saw the back stage goings on, or thought I did and I've learnt so much that I can't reconcile the difference between the real world and the world of movies and television because you see a film like 'A Beautiful Mind' or 'Into the wild' purports to be based on a true story but fails to tell the truth.
In many cases there are many stories that could be said to be the true truth, many perspectives on the same subject, many people with their own versions of events and only all of those would make sense.
The truth of Into the wild for instance, has come to light as new information has been discovered.
It's the story of a young man, disenfranchised with a life of ease, who went 'into the wild' and died.
The guy was possibly suffering from mental disturbances, now from my point of view much of the wrongs in this world are actually not personal illness but a sickness of the planet itself and that what we think of and see as mental illness in individuals is really just symptoms of an insane world.
But I would say that wouldn't I? Because I am too in that vane, wishing to get away from the modern world, wanting to find a niche without the modern conveniences and stresses, away from all the prodding and poking by physicians, the products that are addictive and damaging, the companies that get away with doing things today that if our species survives and thrives for years to come will be realised as injurious to our very health, our spiritual well being and of benefit to few but businesses.
We will learn what a mistake the last century or so has been, if not the last several, progress for progress sake, leading us all down a cul de sac, a dead end of historic proportions even.
What actually happened to this guy in the wild was that he didn't have enough food, and in his weakened state, what he was subsisting on, caused a fatal, terminal situation that killed him.
Within the seeds that he was eating large quantities of, was a poison, I forget the scientific name, but it created a paralysis to come over him that made it impossible for the guy to hunter gather anymore.
He literally couldn't get out of his situation, to get help, even if he wanted to and what he was eating wasn't poisonous as some people have surmised, he didn't eat the wrong plant, because he was stupid, he didn't eat something that would have killed him except because of his already weakened state.
It was only when complicated scientific tests were done on the seeds that a component of them was discovered that is only relevant to this whole story when it comes to a case like his, like eating the stones in fruits that in large enough quantities releases cyanide, like in some wild fruits in the u.k.
The whole movie was predicated on the fact that if you go out into the wild you will die, because even experts can't tell the difference between one plant and another, the same myth is spread about mushrooms, and idiots do eat the wrong ones every year and die but they were idiots or accidents.
Living in harmony with nature and learning about the fruits and wonders she has in store is safe.
We did it for thousands if not millions of years, we had an innate wisdom that came from our connection to her, to the mother that made our very lives possible and we still do, can do.
That is what I wish for myself, only that, to live like that, to reconnect, to love living like that.
It's a long playing record, this story that I keep on telling in different ways and it makes me feel as though I may go on telling the same one over and over for the rest of my days... That might be worthwhile because I have found that to break the spell of the modern world one has to repeat yourself over and over until people start listening, break the habit of a lifetime :) xxxxx
It's called Fringe, and the actors do their best, in fact it's the prostitution of them that I am referring to here, the fact that many of them appearing in the show, obviously have to work to live, to do their job, to keep on acting, to do the profession that they love, many times over they must have to do things that aren't very good, even if they can do their best, the scripts are bad, the production poor, the show itself this show, I kinda love it, I want to know where it's going even though the lead character I don't rate her as an actress, I liked something the leading man was in, and the other male character is great.
I want to quickly blame the system itself, the television networks, the product placement, the advertisers, executives, the short deadlines for the writers, the creative stress rather than the joy.
Instead of something coming from the imagination over time, it is produced, by many minds, pulled in many directions at once, sell yourself to these age groups, be this, be that, demographics...
So I'm hooked on this show and watching every episode knowing that it's over now, it's in the can.
I feel for anyone who acts, I could never have handled the rejection, the pressure, or at least that is how I feel even though I'm a natural performer, when my inhibitions are gone it comes out of me.
I have suffered from stage fright when it comes to life itself, my inner turmoil, my doubts rule. They've lead me not to try to do things I would dearly have loved to, lead me here to this living death. This stage of life where I'm going through the motions, like an ageing actor dying on stage.
My role is a supporting one now that I've come back from the brink of quitting all the world, having to play on, finding ways to do that, ways to try to right the wrongs within the script of my life.
I saw the back stage goings on, or thought I did and I've learnt so much that I can't reconcile the difference between the real world and the world of movies and television because you see a film like 'A Beautiful Mind' or 'Into the wild' purports to be based on a true story but fails to tell the truth.
In many cases there are many stories that could be said to be the true truth, many perspectives on the same subject, many people with their own versions of events and only all of those would make sense.
The truth of Into the wild for instance, has come to light as new information has been discovered.
It's the story of a young man, disenfranchised with a life of ease, who went 'into the wild' and died.
The guy was possibly suffering from mental disturbances, now from my point of view much of the wrongs in this world are actually not personal illness but a sickness of the planet itself and that what we think of and see as mental illness in individuals is really just symptoms of an insane world.
But I would say that wouldn't I? Because I am too in that vane, wishing to get away from the modern world, wanting to find a niche without the modern conveniences and stresses, away from all the prodding and poking by physicians, the products that are addictive and damaging, the companies that get away with doing things today that if our species survives and thrives for years to come will be realised as injurious to our very health, our spiritual well being and of benefit to few but businesses.
We will learn what a mistake the last century or so has been, if not the last several, progress for progress sake, leading us all down a cul de sac, a dead end of historic proportions even.
What actually happened to this guy in the wild was that he didn't have enough food, and in his weakened state, what he was subsisting on, caused a fatal, terminal situation that killed him.
Within the seeds that he was eating large quantities of, was a poison, I forget the scientific name, but it created a paralysis to come over him that made it impossible for the guy to hunter gather anymore.
He literally couldn't get out of his situation, to get help, even if he wanted to and what he was eating wasn't poisonous as some people have surmised, he didn't eat the wrong plant, because he was stupid, he didn't eat something that would have killed him except because of his already weakened state.
It was only when complicated scientific tests were done on the seeds that a component of them was discovered that is only relevant to this whole story when it comes to a case like his, like eating the stones in fruits that in large enough quantities releases cyanide, like in some wild fruits in the u.k.
The whole movie was predicated on the fact that if you go out into the wild you will die, because even experts can't tell the difference between one plant and another, the same myth is spread about mushrooms, and idiots do eat the wrong ones every year and die but they were idiots or accidents.
Living in harmony with nature and learning about the fruits and wonders she has in store is safe.
We did it for thousands if not millions of years, we had an innate wisdom that came from our connection to her, to the mother that made our very lives possible and we still do, can do.
That is what I wish for myself, only that, to live like that, to reconnect, to love living like that.
It's a long playing record, this story that I keep on telling in different ways and it makes me feel as though I may go on telling the same one over and over for the rest of my days... That might be worthwhile because I have found that to break the spell of the modern world one has to repeat yourself over and over until people start listening, break the habit of a lifetime :) xxxxx
Tuesday 7 October 2014
Imagine
Every thing in this world was either there to begin with or was created by us.
Using our imagination, we can project ourselves into the future and make it.
From the Wright brothers engineering something to get them airborne after many others had had similar ideas in the past, technology has allowed us to go in many different directions at once...
In good ways and bad, from medicines to nuclear bombs we've grown and changed this planet.
In each case someone had an idea, often at the same time in different parts of the world without necessarily knowing about each other, a person imagined a new reality, a new thing and made it.
Our imaginations allow us to dream into existence new ways of being in this life and it changes us.
When a new life is brought into this world, it learns from those around it, from a fawn to a human child, there is the innate knowledge within each organism that it uses to survive and grow and there is also what we are taught. So we come into this life and find a world already here, already running.
What if each of us however, were creating the world around us, living within a bubble of reality.
Each one either following the trend or using their own energy to make a new world around them.
What if it was possible for each of us to create a new world where almost anything was possible?
In simple ways if we choose to ignore what we are told and get on with life making our own choices, can't we actually discover that the world is completely different to the one we learn about?
It might be a poor example but if I had listened only to what I was told about my local area I may never have experienced what the rest of the world was actually like, if I had decided based on what I heard about the nearest town to me, I may never have ventured out into it and had so many wonderful experiences and likewise the rest of the world, we hear often terrible things and only those because that is what the media reports, they tell us about the deaths of people we didn't know, the disasters in foreign countries. Now from the perspective of empathy that is a good thing, it makes us feel connected to the rest of the world in ways that wasn't possible as easily before but it also makes us constantly afraid for our own lives for no good reason. I stopped watching the news for this reason, when something becomes an issue someone else brings it up, when it comes close to home.
Take that example and turn it into a vision of the world itself, the ways in which so many people are going against the grain, going a different route to the one their forebears chose, deciding to live in various ways, as the stresses on this planet become more obvious it is time for many to do so.
Evolution and mutation made each creature fit into niches in the environment and their offspring to either thrive or die based on the changes that were happening at that period in time, we all had to live and die based on whether we were healthy, whether we had good eyesight, natural selection made it easier for evolution to flow. Modern medicine as good as it is, actually makes it possible for those who would previously have died of things like cancer, to survive and pass on their genes to the next generation. As a species we have diverted from where nature would have taken us because of technology, because of our bigger brains and ability to think about the fact that we are alive.
Unlike many other animals, and animals we are, we alone in terms of our impact on the world have become somewhat of a cancer ourselves, we are like cells within a giant organism that are growing unchecked, rather than living within the confines of the environment and being predated like others.
When the rabbits are plentiful so are the foxes, when the rabbit population crashes so do their predators, however we have been able to mold the places we live in to provide us with food to the detriment of the other species. Every other living thing does so in harmony with the rhythms of nature. So it's almost as if this is a stage of development that happens on any world where life comes into existence and it's a theory that goes something like this :-
If life occurs on a world, it will get to a stage of technological development where it destroys itself.
Or reverts to living in harmony with the planet it was born on, in harmony with the environment.
I'm suggesting that although technology has done many good things it has brought us here.
To a side road, a detour, a fork, a diversion, actually a perversion because of dominance.
In a herd of deer and every other species of group living animals the herd decides.
I've spoken of this before, unlike what you might hear or have been told.
In the herd, there is a natural democracy, the stags do not rule.
We are ruled by the stags of our herd, and it's killing us.
Unless or until the herd chooses the way forward?
We're going to end up starving in huge numbers.
We will die off in a huge disastrous tragedy.
All the stags are interested in is dominating, rutting and passing on their genes. They think only of themselves, are unnaturally driven to do so, but unlike the stags our leaders actually think they are better than the rest of us, because they were groomed for their position, educated to think they are above us, better placed to make decisions for us all, when in reality without them we would be in a far better state than we are today. They war with others who don't agree with them rather than making peace, some conflict is inevitable but most of it in this world is designed, planned.
What is happening today, in many place because of this is a new way of living, being.
People are choosing to be more like nature, choosing to live in harmony again.
Whether it's because the right choices are obvious because of the stresses.
Whether it's because they feel something in the air, can sense a change.
For whatever reason, many are going forward with nature, evolving.
They are resolute and right in their decision to do so and loving it.
Many may well die in the years that face us as a species but some won't because they know, they are part of a movement, to go back to nature and forward with her at the same time, to relearn the old ways, to prevent illness not to treat it, by living closer to the source of what made our lives possible in the first place, they live well and don't miss the trappings of the modern world at all really.
For me this is proof that the world will change for the better, whatever it seems like to us.
However bad things get, however many of us die off as a result of our pride, the lies.
I see the reality bubbles that these souls live in as a new reality being created.
A Hopi prophesy says that if you are not connected to nature you will perish.
I believe this is true, I believe that the world around us is partly our creation.
It is a place affected by what we take out into it, by what we project as well.
So we have to decide what we wish to see in the world and be that change.
Imagine a way to change the world for the better, for yourself and others.
That is the choice that faces each of us in this time, to go with the flow.
Or to be swept off your feet as the pace of change overwhelms us all.
Those who choose to ignore the direction chosen by the stags live.
Nature is not cruel, she's fair, we have our own free will, our say.
The mistake is to think any one of us is any more important,
than any other, that we are anything other than living cells,
within a giant chrysalis only now becoming a butterfly.
Using our imagination, we can project ourselves into the future and make it.
From the Wright brothers engineering something to get them airborne after many others had had similar ideas in the past, technology has allowed us to go in many different directions at once...
In good ways and bad, from medicines to nuclear bombs we've grown and changed this planet.
In each case someone had an idea, often at the same time in different parts of the world without necessarily knowing about each other, a person imagined a new reality, a new thing and made it.
Our imaginations allow us to dream into existence new ways of being in this life and it changes us.
When a new life is brought into this world, it learns from those around it, from a fawn to a human child, there is the innate knowledge within each organism that it uses to survive and grow and there is also what we are taught. So we come into this life and find a world already here, already running.
What if each of us however, were creating the world around us, living within a bubble of reality.
Each one either following the trend or using their own energy to make a new world around them.
What if it was possible for each of us to create a new world where almost anything was possible?
In simple ways if we choose to ignore what we are told and get on with life making our own choices, can't we actually discover that the world is completely different to the one we learn about?
It might be a poor example but if I had listened only to what I was told about my local area I may never have experienced what the rest of the world was actually like, if I had decided based on what I heard about the nearest town to me, I may never have ventured out into it and had so many wonderful experiences and likewise the rest of the world, we hear often terrible things and only those because that is what the media reports, they tell us about the deaths of people we didn't know, the disasters in foreign countries. Now from the perspective of empathy that is a good thing, it makes us feel connected to the rest of the world in ways that wasn't possible as easily before but it also makes us constantly afraid for our own lives for no good reason. I stopped watching the news for this reason, when something becomes an issue someone else brings it up, when it comes close to home.
Take that example and turn it into a vision of the world itself, the ways in which so many people are going against the grain, going a different route to the one their forebears chose, deciding to live in various ways, as the stresses on this planet become more obvious it is time for many to do so.
Evolution and mutation made each creature fit into niches in the environment and their offspring to either thrive or die based on the changes that were happening at that period in time, we all had to live and die based on whether we were healthy, whether we had good eyesight, natural selection made it easier for evolution to flow. Modern medicine as good as it is, actually makes it possible for those who would previously have died of things like cancer, to survive and pass on their genes to the next generation. As a species we have diverted from where nature would have taken us because of technology, because of our bigger brains and ability to think about the fact that we are alive.
Unlike many other animals, and animals we are, we alone in terms of our impact on the world have become somewhat of a cancer ourselves, we are like cells within a giant organism that are growing unchecked, rather than living within the confines of the environment and being predated like others.
When the rabbits are plentiful so are the foxes, when the rabbit population crashes so do their predators, however we have been able to mold the places we live in to provide us with food to the detriment of the other species. Every other living thing does so in harmony with the rhythms of nature. So it's almost as if this is a stage of development that happens on any world where life comes into existence and it's a theory that goes something like this :-
If life occurs on a world, it will get to a stage of technological development where it destroys itself.
Or reverts to living in harmony with the planet it was born on, in harmony with the environment.
I'm suggesting that although technology has done many good things it has brought us here.
To a side road, a detour, a fork, a diversion, actually a perversion because of dominance.
In a herd of deer and every other species of group living animals the herd decides.
I've spoken of this before, unlike what you might hear or have been told.
In the herd, there is a natural democracy, the stags do not rule.
We are ruled by the stags of our herd, and it's killing us.
Unless or until the herd chooses the way forward?
We're going to end up starving in huge numbers.
We will die off in a huge disastrous tragedy.
All the stags are interested in is dominating, rutting and passing on their genes. They think only of themselves, are unnaturally driven to do so, but unlike the stags our leaders actually think they are better than the rest of us, because they were groomed for their position, educated to think they are above us, better placed to make decisions for us all, when in reality without them we would be in a far better state than we are today. They war with others who don't agree with them rather than making peace, some conflict is inevitable but most of it in this world is designed, planned.
What is happening today, in many place because of this is a new way of living, being.
People are choosing to be more like nature, choosing to live in harmony again.
Whether it's because the right choices are obvious because of the stresses.
Whether it's because they feel something in the air, can sense a change.
For whatever reason, many are going forward with nature, evolving.
They are resolute and right in their decision to do so and loving it.
Many may well die in the years that face us as a species but some won't because they know, they are part of a movement, to go back to nature and forward with her at the same time, to relearn the old ways, to prevent illness not to treat it, by living closer to the source of what made our lives possible in the first place, they live well and don't miss the trappings of the modern world at all really.
For me this is proof that the world will change for the better, whatever it seems like to us.
However bad things get, however many of us die off as a result of our pride, the lies.
I see the reality bubbles that these souls live in as a new reality being created.
A Hopi prophesy says that if you are not connected to nature you will perish.
I believe this is true, I believe that the world around us is partly our creation.
It is a place affected by what we take out into it, by what we project as well.
So we have to decide what we wish to see in the world and be that change.
Imagine a way to change the world for the better, for yourself and others.
That is the choice that faces each of us in this time, to go with the flow.
Or to be swept off your feet as the pace of change overwhelms us all.
Those who choose to ignore the direction chosen by the stags live.
Nature is not cruel, she's fair, we have our own free will, our say.
The mistake is to think any one of us is any more important,
than any other, that we are anything other than living cells,
within a giant chrysalis only now becoming a butterfly.
Wednesday 1 October 2014
For Better or For Worse
Back and Forth, as though it would be easy to find an answer, one over-riding truth to it all...
I was of the opinion that the church, roman catholic, protestant christian, whatever the flavour, the business that it is, they are, were more like the money changers of the bible than anything else...
Merely a method of control, a way of taking what little money the poor majority have and passing it up the steps of the pyramid to the richer folks at the top to do with as they will and so they did.
Temptation comes into it of course, power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely or so I've heard it said and on it goes the story of us, how we began is unclear and on it goes this story of ours.
Were we merely animals who became men and women, is there a missing link, were we created?
From scratch as it were, from wood, like puppets, from clay like statues, from the ribs of men?
So the church for me was not the best, okay their morals are worth listening to, commandments also.
After all it isn't a good thing to steal, or murder, or covet what is not yours and the other rules too.
They make a lot of sense, in some ways I see the point of marrying, creating a strong bond between two people, making it so that it keeps people to a structure, giving society a formal shape together.
Love does seem to cause an awful lot of issues though, maybe love is the wrong word, because unrequited love isn't the same thing I'm talking about, it's more like the love of a family member.
The unconditional love that you feel for someone even when they disappoint you, for a pet because they love you no matter what and you love them even when they shit on the carpet or puke in the hall.
This world is made up of so much pain and love and everything inbetween and the free will of all.
We can choose to invest in making this place better or worse, to make an effort to do so too.
I've heard a lot about whether the church itself is evil, after all they killed so many who disagreed with them, they literally accused anyone who held their own beliefs of heresy, er that's so close to heresay, I have only just noticed that, maybe some more study needed, why am I so driven to know?
Is it that over the years things have been said to me, have happened to me to make it so?
That is true, between the time a couple of friends saw me and I appeared to be something else.
Least said soonest mended, but I looked for all the world to them both to be the devil.
I've had my own experience of projecting onto someone, or seeing them as such.
I laid there and waited for my skull to be bashed in, I said as much inside.
Internally I stated, I will never renounce love do as you will to me.
I survived, I've been in the company of people others would never trust or be around, was I foolish to get myself into those situations or did I have some internal reasoning behind it, perhaps I never thought, I've started to see myself as someone who has been blinded to so many things because to see them would be to see myself in a different light, to open up to pulling back all my tethers from others.
So the church for me meant a place I have loved to be for my own space and time, I have visited many, in the local area, I find the places very peaceful as I go when no-one else is there, in Spain I found myself drawn to visiting the churches, I went to mass occasionally, in the cathedral in Burgos with friends, I went to the pilgrim mass in Roncesvalles abbey when I arrived on the Spanish side of the pyrenees and the three or four ancient looking monks there made me cry their singing was such.
I saw the church as a way to make people conform but the underlying message isn't a bad one, treat others as you would like to be treated, what it does do though is make for a structure that many can't stick to, marriage seems to be a difficult way to live for many, or perhaps we are weak, weaker...
Maybe humanity is going downhill, for certain in ways we have gone so, some places on earth.
Many places are better, light is being shone on areas of life that have gone unnoticed for years.
Modern slavery is being highlighted, all over the world it's possible for stories to come to the attention of someone else who knows where, from one side of the world to the other it can happen that something can be done about things that in the past would never have even been noticed.
It's this whole idea of the world getting better and worse at the same time, for one or the other.
So then there's this whole idea that actually, the snake in the garden of eden, was a good thing.
That the god, the creator of this place, whether in luciferian lore or gnostic gospels whatever.
Between the two, there is the thought, story that our bodies or this reality are a trap to keep us.
That we are gods in our own right, that we ought not to be held here, reborn here, whatever.
Between all those different viewpoints it makes a case for the whole lot of religion to be confusing at best and a vicious cycle at worst, no wonder there are so many takes on all of this nonsense.
In the middle of it all are the humans, not sure who they are, why they are here, what to do.
Full of temptations, bad habits, learnt and passed on, ways to turn towards or away from.
From a love that seems to be to me and I hope I can oneday find some, but nature loves.
Nature yes can be cruel, but we are a part of it, of her, so what's is to be done? Yes?
Does anyone want to know the spiritual truth of it all, are we spirits in a body?
Are we souls incarnated, literally in meat, chilli con carne, with meat?
Maybe we're all just fodder for the gods, a great experiment.
Let's see how the dice roll, how the chips fall this time.
Start the ball rolling and see how they do alone.
The gods took a step back and left us to it.
For better or for worse is what we are.
I've said no-one is all good or
all bad so i have to choose
to try to be one or the
other more or less
i choose for
a better
love
x
I was of the opinion that the church, roman catholic, protestant christian, whatever the flavour, the business that it is, they are, were more like the money changers of the bible than anything else...
Merely a method of control, a way of taking what little money the poor majority have and passing it up the steps of the pyramid to the richer folks at the top to do with as they will and so they did.
Temptation comes into it of course, power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely or so I've heard it said and on it goes the story of us, how we began is unclear and on it goes this story of ours.
Were we merely animals who became men and women, is there a missing link, were we created?
From scratch as it were, from wood, like puppets, from clay like statues, from the ribs of men?
So the church for me was not the best, okay their morals are worth listening to, commandments also.
After all it isn't a good thing to steal, or murder, or covet what is not yours and the other rules too.
They make a lot of sense, in some ways I see the point of marrying, creating a strong bond between two people, making it so that it keeps people to a structure, giving society a formal shape together.
Love does seem to cause an awful lot of issues though, maybe love is the wrong word, because unrequited love isn't the same thing I'm talking about, it's more like the love of a family member.
The unconditional love that you feel for someone even when they disappoint you, for a pet because they love you no matter what and you love them even when they shit on the carpet or puke in the hall.
This world is made up of so much pain and love and everything inbetween and the free will of all.
We can choose to invest in making this place better or worse, to make an effort to do so too.
I've heard a lot about whether the church itself is evil, after all they killed so many who disagreed with them, they literally accused anyone who held their own beliefs of heresy, er that's so close to heresay, I have only just noticed that, maybe some more study needed, why am I so driven to know?
Is it that over the years things have been said to me, have happened to me to make it so?
That is true, between the time a couple of friends saw me and I appeared to be something else.
Least said soonest mended, but I looked for all the world to them both to be the devil.
I've had my own experience of projecting onto someone, or seeing them as such.
I laid there and waited for my skull to be bashed in, I said as much inside.
Internally I stated, I will never renounce love do as you will to me.
I survived, I've been in the company of people others would never trust or be around, was I foolish to get myself into those situations or did I have some internal reasoning behind it, perhaps I never thought, I've started to see myself as someone who has been blinded to so many things because to see them would be to see myself in a different light, to open up to pulling back all my tethers from others.
So the church for me meant a place I have loved to be for my own space and time, I have visited many, in the local area, I find the places very peaceful as I go when no-one else is there, in Spain I found myself drawn to visiting the churches, I went to mass occasionally, in the cathedral in Burgos with friends, I went to the pilgrim mass in Roncesvalles abbey when I arrived on the Spanish side of the pyrenees and the three or four ancient looking monks there made me cry their singing was such.
I saw the church as a way to make people conform but the underlying message isn't a bad one, treat others as you would like to be treated, what it does do though is make for a structure that many can't stick to, marriage seems to be a difficult way to live for many, or perhaps we are weak, weaker...
Maybe humanity is going downhill, for certain in ways we have gone so, some places on earth.
Many places are better, light is being shone on areas of life that have gone unnoticed for years.
Modern slavery is being highlighted, all over the world it's possible for stories to come to the attention of someone else who knows where, from one side of the world to the other it can happen that something can be done about things that in the past would never have even been noticed.
It's this whole idea of the world getting better and worse at the same time, for one or the other.
So then there's this whole idea that actually, the snake in the garden of eden, was a good thing.
That the god, the creator of this place, whether in luciferian lore or gnostic gospels whatever.
Between the two, there is the thought, story that our bodies or this reality are a trap to keep us.
That we are gods in our own right, that we ought not to be held here, reborn here, whatever.
Between all those different viewpoints it makes a case for the whole lot of religion to be confusing at best and a vicious cycle at worst, no wonder there are so many takes on all of this nonsense.
In the middle of it all are the humans, not sure who they are, why they are here, what to do.
Full of temptations, bad habits, learnt and passed on, ways to turn towards or away from.
From a love that seems to be to me and I hope I can oneday find some, but nature loves.
Nature yes can be cruel, but we are a part of it, of her, so what's is to be done? Yes?
Does anyone want to know the spiritual truth of it all, are we spirits in a body?
Are we souls incarnated, literally in meat, chilli con carne, with meat?
Maybe we're all just fodder for the gods, a great experiment.
Let's see how the dice roll, how the chips fall this time.
Start the ball rolling and see how they do alone.
The gods took a step back and left us to it.
For better or for worse is what we are.
I've said no-one is all good or
all bad so i have to choose
to try to be one or the
other more or less
i choose for
a better
love
x
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