Magic, mystery, the great unknown.
What happens when we die? What is happening here and now?
Is magic real? Can people heal others using their own life force, their own energy?
I've certainly in the past felt that I received some benefit from reiki and I definitely became much calmer and more trusting and felt better and better when I regularly received spiritual healing, which is much the same, in terms of hands on healing being given by someone to me, although from the perspective of the person providing the healing at a spiritualist church that I became a regular visitor to, it was different in that he was channelling energy from the spiritual realm, through him, to me.
He even said that he was told, in his conciousness that my d.n.a. was being altered after one session.
I believed that he believed what he said at the time and I believed that it was possible at the time too.
The magic however has, or had gone from my life until recently, I'm not sure it's back yet, if ever.
You see, I've seen things, u.f.o.'s in the sky years ago, so many small white lights, coming together in a giant formation above the area of the sky above Badminton House, local to where I live, me and a friend both saw this happening, more and more little lights coming on, moving in, making up some kind of meeting, lights going out, moving away, swarming in the nights sky. I haven't seen u.f.o.'s for years, don't spend much time looking into the night sky any more, since the magic left and I felt as though I was losing my mind, all I've done is try to cling on to the hope that I wasn't going to end it all. That I was going to get better, since I quit all my drug habits, since I quit the nightlife, the parties. Since I quit going days without much sleep, since I quit staying up late, getting in in the early hours, since I quit believing in more out there, more in here, more inside us all, more energy, more life.
I have suffered from mental health issues, or at least they were very similar to the kinds of things you see portrayed in films and on t.v. I sought help, to understand, to discover what, why, how to come back, how to reveal the reasons, how to cure it, how to know what it all meant.
As much as the magic went, as much as I was lead to doubt the magical way my life was going, as much as the clarity that came into my life, in terms of seeing how disconnected I was to those around me, how distant I had become, how I had judged others, and not seen the ways in which I wasn't behaving right, I have come down in my own estimations greatly, and everyone else has gone up.
I don't want to name people, but they've become quite different in my eyes, I was on a journey I felt that was more important, I was however unkind and judgemental towards others, didn't notice the ways in which I was not keeping up with my responsibilities, I was a more extreme version of me.
So much more respect for them now, those people that I had failed to see, failed to see clearly before.
The magic was in tantra, was in the fact that I could show people their own life force, show them physically, here, placing my hand near theirs, feel your tantric energy pulsing with mine, between our outstretched palms, that's your life force, your aura, your energy field, reacting like two positive poles of a magnet, pushing against one another, an invisible force, made real for them to feel.
I believed that we all, facing the turn of the millennium, facing the years since then, the 2012 hoohaa, the fact that the mayan calendar begins a new cycle then, the timewave zero theory of Terence Mckenna, the fact that the feeling inside coming towards that period was of something approaching, I've written about much of this before but it's current. I could be seen as being unreliable, because of the effects that what I've been through have had on me, sure, that makes me an unreliable witness, someone whose words should be taken with a pinch of salt, someone who should be, could be nuts.
Maybe I am, I feel sane enough, lost the fear that I was insane, still I know my attitudes to some things are still not the same as others, I see our governments as complicit in crimes against us all, against the planet, wilfully so, companies too, in the future I am sure it will all come out one day.
The truth will do as it continues to do, from the past to today, into the new days ahead, into the times of technology being used more and more to tighten up the systems of control around us, on us.
For me I want to break out of them, go back to nature, save up pay my debts, get free, clear.
Quit this life of constant debt enslavement, see the day when the Governments fall, the companies fail, when profit becomes the least of anyones worries, when human life is placed higher than that.
When growth has nothing to do with the headlines, economic growth that is, a misnomer, the economy is a lie, it isn't economic and growth cannot be on the cards in a finite system, you can't expect us to keep on finding new markets, new areas of the world to turn into our system, devaluing the beautiful simplicity of the ways in which the countries of the old world worked, common sense, markets for the community, selling local produce, not the useless tat and crap foisted on them by the free market initiative, that means they have to take the shit we make and dump at their docks rather that supporting the local basket weavers, the local producers, no give your infant powdered milk, get to work mothers, because the new world needs workers, not families where one person can earn enough to support the household, the house prices and market merely a gamblers paradise for the gangsters we call banksters, scum they are the lot of them, british gas salespeople given bonuses for misselling the most expensive tarriff to their customers, this world is immoral, and we're stuck in their dirty games, stuck because we all need to work to live, we all need to do their dirty work.
So again, I stress, that I need to work yes, but eventually I have to get out of this trap, and I'm not innocent, i've been chewed up and spat out and that's by me, myself and I, I felt I was never going to be good enough for anyone, so I asked to die, I wanted to hurt, I find it hard to forgive the things I've done in the past to get by, or because I didn't see a life for me in the future, I struggle to see myself as a good person, someone worth knowing, so the last five years were a dream to me, to find friends.
To be treated as an equal, to be treated so nicely, to be treated as a true friend, to be gifted things.
It felt Magic.
Love
Jon
x
Saturday 31 May 2014
Friday 30 May 2014
Cycles Of Time
I made mistakes, that have lead me here, to be in debt, to feel as though I should not, cannot go anywhere or do anything until they are repaid, that the first pounds I can earn shall go towards that, never for anything for myself and that is what I have been doing since I realised the error of my ways.
I realised that I had lead myself and others a merry dance, to lose faith in oneself to that extent is very painful, to feel as though you have lead others to believe in you and that their faith is misplaced even more so. Since I can only work with what is in front of me I can only hope to make amends in this life, if not in the next. The answers to the questions I've been asking were in me all along. They were and are that I have been suffering over the last three years or so from the after effects of a great and terrible thing that happened to me, along with my own desire to answer long held questions.
Somehow much of what i was inspired to write in this period, and over the years made sense to some, much of it, along the lines of spiritual traditions, inspired as I was by the things I've read and those I've experienced, the places and people I was drawn to and the things I've seen and done in that time.
I recognise the ways in which I have been here before, smaller versions of this period, cycles.
I am and have been a ridiculous man, full of confidence, now lacking it almost entirely.
Hoping not to get carried away ever again by my self belief, by my fears.
To face one day the end of life like every one else does.
I've never understood life, maybe I never will.
It takes its toll, I feel like a whining baby.
I realised that I had lead myself and others a merry dance, to lose faith in oneself to that extent is very painful, to feel as though you have lead others to believe in you and that their faith is misplaced even more so. Since I can only work with what is in front of me I can only hope to make amends in this life, if not in the next. The answers to the questions I've been asking were in me all along. They were and are that I have been suffering over the last three years or so from the after effects of a great and terrible thing that happened to me, along with my own desire to answer long held questions.
Somehow much of what i was inspired to write in this period, and over the years made sense to some, much of it, along the lines of spiritual traditions, inspired as I was by the things I've read and those I've experienced, the places and people I was drawn to and the things I've seen and done in that time.
I recognise the ways in which I have been here before, smaller versions of this period, cycles.
I am and have been a ridiculous man, full of confidence, now lacking it almost entirely.
Hoping not to get carried away ever again by my self belief, by my fears.
To face one day the end of life like every one else does.
I've never understood life, maybe I never will.
It takes its toll, I feel like a whining baby.
Tuesday 27 May 2014
Missgivings - Game of thrones
Miss Givings
Keeping good habits, early to bed, but late to rise, not making me anything but too well rested, although at least I have felt that feeling again, the shiver down the spine, the sense of feeling something again, connection, sometimes there's even a smile upon my face again, not humouring someone. Pains in the extremities, going for a scan on my shoulder, facing growing older.
I need routine again, facing mortality, the fact that everyone around seems to spend a lot of time at the doctors, when I never have, they all take pills when I never do, did, will like to. Need to take my mind off my mind, hearing the same things I used to think were ridiculous lies.
I took it all with a pinch of salt and doubted so much, sneered and jeered and then it happened.
Two items apported, apports, appearing beneath my pillow, like a bequeath from another place.
I gave those apports away to my loves, my little brother and my little sister I believe.
The days of the last few years melt into each other, I have done things I now regret.
Seen the days ahead as vague imaginings, saw the future a short n sweet nothing.
Now I see it as stretching out, seeing the lies amongst the truths I held to be,
self evident, this all is fabled nonsense now and I can't hurt those close.
Can't see them how I saw them then, I miss them but I can't be, don't feel like the same man.
I wanted to be a part of something, I dreamed beyond the sleeping time, into the days.
I dreamed my whole life, always disappointed by the reality that came into view.
Now I see that I have become a folly of a fool, I have a burden to bear now.
The truth, and yes the light shines onto those dark corners of my mind.
Shame is ever present, I can't go back, I would wish it for others,
a different past, a different future, but alas I can't see it.
It will never come to pass, I cannot though I try to will it.
I would rather carry on now and try to find some way forward.
Something I can do to make some recompense, recommence forth.
All I can do is continue on the path that is set out now, get out now.
Tarry onwards and upwards, taking everything I was, am, will be on.
Into the new days, every one a reminder of my failure to be that which,
I had dreamt of for so many years, I said so many things about others so,
many, so many nights I cried myself to sleep, saw in many others the sheep.
Not in myself the wolf that I see now, I did the best I could not to perhaps...
So off to bed before I let my errant ways come back and after all the others
make so much noise so late and so early to rise thank goodness I can drift,
back off again, thank goodness, I would love to reconnect knowing the error of my ways
knowing that to feel something now would be a blessing not the curse I thought it was.
That shiver down the spine, what I saw in others when I was growing up, and wished for.
Others have changed so much and I have learnt so little really of the things we all should.
Feeling so out of my depth, so incapable, I need to find a place, a space to learn, to grow.
To find out some way of getting by because I don't seem to somehow naturally know.
It all seems so easy when you try, once you've risked getting things wrong, worked.
Happy Birthday
x
Keeping good habits, early to bed, but late to rise, not making me anything but too well rested, although at least I have felt that feeling again, the shiver down the spine, the sense of feeling something again, connection, sometimes there's even a smile upon my face again, not humouring someone. Pains in the extremities, going for a scan on my shoulder, facing growing older.
I need routine again, facing mortality, the fact that everyone around seems to spend a lot of time at the doctors, when I never have, they all take pills when I never do, did, will like to. Need to take my mind off my mind, hearing the same things I used to think were ridiculous lies.
I took it all with a pinch of salt and doubted so much, sneered and jeered and then it happened.
Two items apported, apports, appearing beneath my pillow, like a bequeath from another place.
I gave those apports away to my loves, my little brother and my little sister I believe.
The days of the last few years melt into each other, I have done things I now regret.
Seen the days ahead as vague imaginings, saw the future a short n sweet nothing.
Now I see it as stretching out, seeing the lies amongst the truths I held to be,
self evident, this all is fabled nonsense now and I can't hurt those close.
Can't see them how I saw them then, I miss them but I can't be, don't feel like the same man.
I wanted to be a part of something, I dreamed beyond the sleeping time, into the days.
I dreamed my whole life, always disappointed by the reality that came into view.
Now I see that I have become a folly of a fool, I have a burden to bear now.
The truth, and yes the light shines onto those dark corners of my mind.
Shame is ever present, I can't go back, I would wish it for others,
a different past, a different future, but alas I can't see it.
It will never come to pass, I cannot though I try to will it.
I would rather carry on now and try to find some way forward.
Something I can do to make some recompense, recommence forth.
All I can do is continue on the path that is set out now, get out now.
Tarry onwards and upwards, taking everything I was, am, will be on.
Into the new days, every one a reminder of my failure to be that which,
I had dreamt of for so many years, I said so many things about others so,
many, so many nights I cried myself to sleep, saw in many others the sheep.
Not in myself the wolf that I see now, I did the best I could not to perhaps...
So off to bed before I let my errant ways come back and after all the others
make so much noise so late and so early to rise thank goodness I can drift,
back off again, thank goodness, I would love to reconnect knowing the error of my ways
knowing that to feel something now would be a blessing not the curse I thought it was.
That shiver down the spine, what I saw in others when I was growing up, and wished for.
Others have changed so much and I have learnt so little really of the things we all should.
Feeling so out of my depth, so incapable, I need to find a place, a space to learn, to grow.
To find out some way of getting by because I don't seem to somehow naturally know.
It all seems so easy when you try, once you've risked getting things wrong, worked.
Happy Birthday
x
Thursday 22 May 2014
What Are We Living For?
I thought I had a coherent picture of the why, made up of parts of traditions from all over the world, like a jigsaw coming together, bits of Spiritualism, Buddhism, all sorts of sources of information.
Inspired as I was to search high and low, life itself is it just to be endured whilst gaining as much pleasure out of it as possible? Is it just something to be lived and then when it ends that is it?
I guess none of us will know until we die and see for ourselves, in some ways I feel that what you believe could create what happens at that moment, in some sense that being open to more makes more possible, it makes more sense though that there is one over-riding truth that we shall all see for ourselves when that day comes, let's say for instance when a humanist dies, perhaps they meet the divine, god, goddess, whatever the creator is if there is one, whatever understands the reason for us.
I was lead to believe certain things because they felt true to me, and I assume that is what others do too, they live their lives, taking onboard what comes along or what they find, what they run into.
What they are taught, what they were raised to believe, what they feel in their hearts...
In my heart, until recently was the fervent hope to discover the truth while here.
Not sure why now really, is it necessary to care as much as I did before?
Whose to say, I love those who still believe, still strive to live that life.
So what are we living for? Now that I've realised how unworthy I've been, how selfish, how blind to my own true self, and now accepting that, discovering that, wondering how I managed to live the last few years with such different aspects going on at the same time, a confident me, confidence in who I thought I was, who I could be, would become, now gone but not forgotten, just a shame, ashamed of.
Day to day, I do wish I could go back, but that's a waste too, I have asked, prayed, wondered...
Found things getting better gradually, but obviously still so painful in the moment.
I find other peoples opinions, the view from their shoes, actually pointless.
That's what they see from behind their eyes, not from behind mine.
If they were me they would agree wholeheartedly with me.
They aren't and I'm not them so it's a hard thing to do.
We have our own time here, one lifetime, one life.
I judged others, for trading commodities that affect the lives of others, for having so many children when the planet can barely support the number we have already, for the ways that they lie to themselves, and then to others, I spent a lot of time seeing faults in others, not in me.
That gave me a chance not to see myself clearly, all I wish for now is for others, to live without pain.
I know the spiritual way of looking at things, makes it easy for people to see that what they are doing is being the best they can be, living a life that shines a light into the world for others to see...
I could say that actually what we ought to be doing is trying to make the world a better place for others, by becoming conscious of the ways in which it is a truly terrible place for them and trying to make a difference, the problems seem so great the challenges so insurmountable and they are.
In truth it would take us all coming together, us all seeing the world the same way, it would take us all becoming conscious of our own impact, I can't make people feel guilty for their airtravel, even though it is polluting the planet, they swallow the economic lie that we are supporting each other by spending money, by earning it and spending it into the economy, tourism, we're killing this world.
But then all I want to do is find a job, and it too will mean I will be a part of the system that I blame, our leaders have neither the imagination or the will to do the right thing, but what is it anyway?
Is there a truth that is undeniable? Everyone has their own view, their own opinion, their own truth.
This place is so confusing, so messy, becoming so immoral, caught up in it all as we are, slaves around the world making our clothes, mining the mica for your makeup, chemicals in everything that we use in the home, no-one making it clear that is why disease is so rife, so much more prevalent.
We live in a toxic society, a toxic ecosystem, no wonder the bees are dying, the trees too, it's the most exciting, terrifying time to be alive, and if I survive for another 41 years maybe I will see why?
Maybe I will see the answers to the questions, I don't wish to see a blade runneresque world
But then corporations run our governments, you only have to look at fracking, continuing to support fossil fuel as a resource, when peak oil is already reached, it costs almost as much to get it as to buy.
Stuck in our habits, will some robotic cybernetic humans go on will some natural humans too?
Will it all end in tears? Will there be some kind of evolution, revolution, will the people rise up?
Can they ever actually come together to make things right? Common sense coming back?
You see we used to make things from what was around us, it was tougher but fairer.
Going back over old ground I am again, letting whatever comes into my head...
Come out.
I don't have a say.
Wishing everyone I met well.
Enjoy this bank holiday weekend together.
Love and Light
x
Inspired as I was to search high and low, life itself is it just to be endured whilst gaining as much pleasure out of it as possible? Is it just something to be lived and then when it ends that is it?
I guess none of us will know until we die and see for ourselves, in some ways I feel that what you believe could create what happens at that moment, in some sense that being open to more makes more possible, it makes more sense though that there is one over-riding truth that we shall all see for ourselves when that day comes, let's say for instance when a humanist dies, perhaps they meet the divine, god, goddess, whatever the creator is if there is one, whatever understands the reason for us.
I was lead to believe certain things because they felt true to me, and I assume that is what others do too, they live their lives, taking onboard what comes along or what they find, what they run into.
What they are taught, what they were raised to believe, what they feel in their hearts...
In my heart, until recently was the fervent hope to discover the truth while here.
Not sure why now really, is it necessary to care as much as I did before?
Whose to say, I love those who still believe, still strive to live that life.
So what are we living for? Now that I've realised how unworthy I've been, how selfish, how blind to my own true self, and now accepting that, discovering that, wondering how I managed to live the last few years with such different aspects going on at the same time, a confident me, confidence in who I thought I was, who I could be, would become, now gone but not forgotten, just a shame, ashamed of.
Day to day, I do wish I could go back, but that's a waste too, I have asked, prayed, wondered...
Found things getting better gradually, but obviously still so painful in the moment.
I find other peoples opinions, the view from their shoes, actually pointless.
That's what they see from behind their eyes, not from behind mine.
If they were me they would agree wholeheartedly with me.
They aren't and I'm not them so it's a hard thing to do.
We have our own time here, one lifetime, one life.
I judged others, for trading commodities that affect the lives of others, for having so many children when the planet can barely support the number we have already, for the ways that they lie to themselves, and then to others, I spent a lot of time seeing faults in others, not in me.
That gave me a chance not to see myself clearly, all I wish for now is for others, to live without pain.
I know the spiritual way of looking at things, makes it easy for people to see that what they are doing is being the best they can be, living a life that shines a light into the world for others to see...
I could say that actually what we ought to be doing is trying to make the world a better place for others, by becoming conscious of the ways in which it is a truly terrible place for them and trying to make a difference, the problems seem so great the challenges so insurmountable and they are.
In truth it would take us all coming together, us all seeing the world the same way, it would take us all becoming conscious of our own impact, I can't make people feel guilty for their airtravel, even though it is polluting the planet, they swallow the economic lie that we are supporting each other by spending money, by earning it and spending it into the economy, tourism, we're killing this world.
But then all I want to do is find a job, and it too will mean I will be a part of the system that I blame, our leaders have neither the imagination or the will to do the right thing, but what is it anyway?
Is there a truth that is undeniable? Everyone has their own view, their own opinion, their own truth.
This place is so confusing, so messy, becoming so immoral, caught up in it all as we are, slaves around the world making our clothes, mining the mica for your makeup, chemicals in everything that we use in the home, no-one making it clear that is why disease is so rife, so much more prevalent.
We live in a toxic society, a toxic ecosystem, no wonder the bees are dying, the trees too, it's the most exciting, terrifying time to be alive, and if I survive for another 41 years maybe I will see why?
Maybe I will see the answers to the questions, I don't wish to see a blade runneresque world
But then corporations run our governments, you only have to look at fracking, continuing to support fossil fuel as a resource, when peak oil is already reached, it costs almost as much to get it as to buy.
Stuck in our habits, will some robotic cybernetic humans go on will some natural humans too?
Will it all end in tears? Will there be some kind of evolution, revolution, will the people rise up?
Can they ever actually come together to make things right? Common sense coming back?
You see we used to make things from what was around us, it was tougher but fairer.
Going back over old ground I am again, letting whatever comes into my head...
Come out.
I don't have a say.
Wishing everyone I met well.
Enjoy this bank holiday weekend together.
Love and Light
x
Wednesday 21 May 2014
Thinking About Your Love
I think about my friends, they pop into my head, and then I wonder how they are.
But I'm rubbish at using the phone, the signal here is crap and other excuses.
If I had to put my finger on it I would say I don't reach out as I should.
So caught up in my own process, my own issues, my downfall.
In other news, I'm off out for a meal with my family.
So friends, I'm sorry for the fact that I don't keep in touch as much as i should have, could have, I'm hanging in there at the moment, feeling better each day, some ups and downs yes, but slowly feeling like I know the score more and more, wanting to do the right things, keep good habits, get back into work, get a car, run a car, earn enough to pay off my debts, get some confidence back, learn lessons once and for all, knowing what a self destructive streak I have, such an inbuilt desire to fail, that somehow I managed to ride roughshod over for the last several years, I did things I am deliciously proud of, things I look back on and wonder wtf? How did I manage that? They seem like dreams...
The mountain adventures, the walking 500 miles, the car journeys with strangers that became friends, the road trips, the parties, the massage, the dancing, the everything I have experienced right or wrong.
I came to see many things in a different light and then again saw them in the same old one again.
There's nothing worse than an ex somebody, an ex smoker, an ex anything, they're so intolerant.
They have to be for their own good, and I feel like that, like I'm keeping myself safe, on the straight and narrow, the long and winding road, that leads to fuck knows where to be honest, I don't know.
My mind is open now, to so many influences, so many song titles, my subconscious concious although I said that before, memories flooding back that previously seemed to be behind a dam.
I'm not particularly keen on me still so I know that I'm not particularly good company.
I haven't danced in anger, in love, in ecstasy, soundlessly mouthing my emotions, stamping and stomping with my feet, to the beat, loving the transcendent feeling for four months now give or take...
And that is shit, because the hugs I received when I was out and about, I think kept me very well.
I think it healed me in so many ways, I had this intention when I thought the world was ending or that it might, I had this wish to meet someone, to get to know them, slowly, to make love, to be healed.
To heal each other, to connect and love each other, it was my bucket list, along with horse riding.
Now all I care about is making sure I'm not a burden, that I pay my way, that would be a start.
Realised how long it's been since I visualised my own death, it's been a few days, since I wished I was dead, actually starting to look forward to being around for a while, to see the daffodils I planted
If I can make it to next year I could see that new star wars ;)
Love and light?
I'm not so sure about all that spiritual stuff anymore, I am meditating occasionally again
mindful of my breath, mindful less of my mind at last, some gaps finally allowing me peace
But I'm rubbish at using the phone, the signal here is crap and other excuses.
If I had to put my finger on it I would say I don't reach out as I should.
So caught up in my own process, my own issues, my downfall.
In other news, I'm off out for a meal with my family.
So friends, I'm sorry for the fact that I don't keep in touch as much as i should have, could have, I'm hanging in there at the moment, feeling better each day, some ups and downs yes, but slowly feeling like I know the score more and more, wanting to do the right things, keep good habits, get back into work, get a car, run a car, earn enough to pay off my debts, get some confidence back, learn lessons once and for all, knowing what a self destructive streak I have, such an inbuilt desire to fail, that somehow I managed to ride roughshod over for the last several years, I did things I am deliciously proud of, things I look back on and wonder wtf? How did I manage that? They seem like dreams...
The mountain adventures, the walking 500 miles, the car journeys with strangers that became friends, the road trips, the parties, the massage, the dancing, the everything I have experienced right or wrong.
I came to see many things in a different light and then again saw them in the same old one again.
There's nothing worse than an ex somebody, an ex smoker, an ex anything, they're so intolerant.
They have to be for their own good, and I feel like that, like I'm keeping myself safe, on the straight and narrow, the long and winding road, that leads to fuck knows where to be honest, I don't know.
My mind is open now, to so many influences, so many song titles, my subconscious concious although I said that before, memories flooding back that previously seemed to be behind a dam.
I'm not particularly keen on me still so I know that I'm not particularly good company.
I haven't danced in anger, in love, in ecstasy, soundlessly mouthing my emotions, stamping and stomping with my feet, to the beat, loving the transcendent feeling for four months now give or take...
And that is shit, because the hugs I received when I was out and about, I think kept me very well.
I think it healed me in so many ways, I had this intention when I thought the world was ending or that it might, I had this wish to meet someone, to get to know them, slowly, to make love, to be healed.
To heal each other, to connect and love each other, it was my bucket list, along with horse riding.
Now all I care about is making sure I'm not a burden, that I pay my way, that would be a start.
Realised how long it's been since I visualised my own death, it's been a few days, since I wished I was dead, actually starting to look forward to being around for a while, to see the daffodils I planted
If I can make it to next year I could see that new star wars ;)
Love and light?
I'm not so sure about all that spiritual stuff anymore, I am meditating occasionally again
mindful of my breath, mindful less of my mind at last, some gaps finally allowing me peace
Sunday 18 May 2014
The Constant - I Once Was LOST But Now Am Found
Was Blind But Now I See
I just watched an episode of the series called LOST after reading things the producers said about it
Remembering why I liked it so much, the love I had for the characters at the time, their friendships
The journeys they went on to try to understand, to fight for what they believed in, to live, to love
To have a constant in your life, I would have to say that for whatever reason I have not been 1
I haven't been the person I would dearly loved to have been, for others, for someone special
So caught up in what I thought was my own journey towards understanding everything
Now understanding more about how the narrative of my story was just that a story
Something I told myself, created by my subconscious, in line with the scripts
Some written for me, most I allowed to become my own dialogue sheets
I created the world I now am trying to live in, seeing it clearly now
Maybe one day I will realise the differences between the outer and inner worlds that exist, is there a reality outside of this one? Is there a spiritual truth that underlies the struggles that are here for us?
It's easy to feel small in such a large world, easy to feel as though we are tiny and insignificant, over time I had come to feel as though each of us can be important in our own way, have something we are meant for, meant to do for others, meant to provide, seeing so much beauty now, so much detail out there, the little things, seeing how little i've done, how much i've had done for me, seeing it all so well knowing I don't relish the future at all, don't relish getting older, growing older, becoming less able, felt as though i'd reached a watershed in my life, felt I had reached a pivotal stage leading somewhere good, now I'm not so sure why I ever thought that, seeing the last few years as a wonderful interlude but fantastical and in many ways a dream that would never come true, because they all require so much more hard work than I've ever put in, I'm not the sort of person I thought I was at all.
Is it this viewpoint that colours my entire life? If I keep going will i see myself differently?
Can I put it all into perspective in the end? I hope there is a post mortem, a life review...
A chance to see from others point of view where we went wrong and where right.
To know and if necessary feel the disappointment but also the joy and love.
To see it all from the point of view of a goodness, a lightness of being.
To see it all as just a thread of a greater story, a line in a book.
Desmond Hume Penelope Widmore Sayid Jarrah Jack
I can't do anything but what I see on the page...
I just watched an episode of the series called LOST after reading things the producers said about it
Remembering why I liked it so much, the love I had for the characters at the time, their friendships
The journeys they went on to try to understand, to fight for what they believed in, to live, to love
To have a constant in your life, I would have to say that for whatever reason I have not been 1
I haven't been the person I would dearly loved to have been, for others, for someone special
So caught up in what I thought was my own journey towards understanding everything
Now understanding more about how the narrative of my story was just that a story
Something I told myself, created by my subconscious, in line with the scripts
Some written for me, most I allowed to become my own dialogue sheets
I created the world I now am trying to live in, seeing it clearly now
Maybe one day I will realise the differences between the outer and inner worlds that exist, is there a reality outside of this one? Is there a spiritual truth that underlies the struggles that are here for us?
It's easy to feel small in such a large world, easy to feel as though we are tiny and insignificant, over time I had come to feel as though each of us can be important in our own way, have something we are meant for, meant to do for others, meant to provide, seeing so much beauty now, so much detail out there, the little things, seeing how little i've done, how much i've had done for me, seeing it all so well knowing I don't relish the future at all, don't relish getting older, growing older, becoming less able, felt as though i'd reached a watershed in my life, felt I had reached a pivotal stage leading somewhere good, now I'm not so sure why I ever thought that, seeing the last few years as a wonderful interlude but fantastical and in many ways a dream that would never come true, because they all require so much more hard work than I've ever put in, I'm not the sort of person I thought I was at all.
Is it this viewpoint that colours my entire life? If I keep going will i see myself differently?
Can I put it all into perspective in the end? I hope there is a post mortem, a life review...
A chance to see from others point of view where we went wrong and where right.
To know and if necessary feel the disappointment but also the joy and love.
To see it all from the point of view of a goodness, a lightness of being.
To see it all as just a thread of a greater story, a line in a book.
Desmond Hume Penelope Widmore Sayid Jarrah Jack
I can't do anything but what I see on the page...
Thursday 15 May 2014
oh lord please dont let me be misunderstood
i'm just a soul whose intentions were good...
Whatever the ending to this story, I feel that the clarity I have now, to see myself clearly as never before, allows me the freedom to say, to see the overall picture of a life misspent through fear.
I've posted things that were about mental health issues, the medical professions take on what can be in many cases a spiritual crises, mishandled because it's not recognised for what it truly is. In my case the last few years have actually just made a situation within me gradually worse over time.
Over the last five years especially I have provided my massage skills for fellow pilgrims along the Way of Saint James, for the make-up artists and guests at the psytrance parties I have attended, to a balinese woman who worked at one of the companies I got work for from an agency, for friends on occasion, usually in environments where theirs and my inhibitions were gone and always with the same unconditionally loving intention in my heart. I was someone I was starting to respect then.
---
So I've gotten better in many ways, spent so much more time socially with amazing people, had experiences that as long as I live I will never forget, my two caminos especially are so vivid, I've spent quite a lot of time lately reminiscing, looking on google maps, retracing my steps, looking at the places I walked through, reliving those journeys again and wishing I was back there, walking through Spain, reliving those days, relishing so heartily the friendships at the time, the experiences.
For me though my crises of confidence, of facing my fears, of facing the future, is a mental health issue, I can't call it a spiritual journey anymore, I can't afford to try to pick apart the one from the other because I'm finally seeing myself for who I really am, finally stopped pointing the finger at others, blaming them for my own shortcomings, finding fault elsewhere rather than looking at me.
I've said things in the past that at the time I truly believed, opinions of others mostly, I wouldn't want anyone to look back on the things I've said and decide that they know anything of the relationships, of the people I have talked about, I cherish the people who have ever given me the time of day.
This dark night of my existence will go on because I have to face myself with others in mind.
I have to do whatever it takes to face the future whatever it may bring, to do the right thing.
Please forgive me if I can't be around the way I was before, I don't, can't face temptation.
I know how easily I could slip back into bad habits, I have to be very hard on myself.
It's the only way I can see any way out of my current situation, to take it very slow.
It's so difficult to explain, to get others to understand, because they can't put themselves in my shoes and to be honest I wouldn't want them to, my hope is to somehow get through this period of pain.
I will never blame anyone else for my shortcomings, my decisions, my choices, my failings.
Love
Jon
x
Whatever the ending to this story, I feel that the clarity I have now, to see myself clearly as never before, allows me the freedom to say, to see the overall picture of a life misspent through fear.
I've posted things that were about mental health issues, the medical professions take on what can be in many cases a spiritual crises, mishandled because it's not recognised for what it truly is. In my case the last few years have actually just made a situation within me gradually worse over time.
Over the last five years especially I have provided my massage skills for fellow pilgrims along the Way of Saint James, for the make-up artists and guests at the psytrance parties I have attended, to a balinese woman who worked at one of the companies I got work for from an agency, for friends on occasion, usually in environments where theirs and my inhibitions were gone and always with the same unconditionally loving intention in my heart. I was someone I was starting to respect then.
---
So I've gotten better in many ways, spent so much more time socially with amazing people, had experiences that as long as I live I will never forget, my two caminos especially are so vivid, I've spent quite a lot of time lately reminiscing, looking on google maps, retracing my steps, looking at the places I walked through, reliving those journeys again and wishing I was back there, walking through Spain, reliving those days, relishing so heartily the friendships at the time, the experiences.
For me though my crises of confidence, of facing my fears, of facing the future, is a mental health issue, I can't call it a spiritual journey anymore, I can't afford to try to pick apart the one from the other because I'm finally seeing myself for who I really am, finally stopped pointing the finger at others, blaming them for my own shortcomings, finding fault elsewhere rather than looking at me.
I've said things in the past that at the time I truly believed, opinions of others mostly, I wouldn't want anyone to look back on the things I've said and decide that they know anything of the relationships, of the people I have talked about, I cherish the people who have ever given me the time of day.
This dark night of my existence will go on because I have to face myself with others in mind.
I have to do whatever it takes to face the future whatever it may bring, to do the right thing.
Please forgive me if I can't be around the way I was before, I don't, can't face temptation.
I know how easily I could slip back into bad habits, I have to be very hard on myself.
It's the only way I can see any way out of my current situation, to take it very slow.
It's so difficult to explain, to get others to understand, because they can't put themselves in my shoes and to be honest I wouldn't want them to, my hope is to somehow get through this period of pain.
I will never blame anyone else for my shortcomings, my decisions, my choices, my failings.
Love
Jon
x
Monday 12 May 2014
spectacles testicles wallet and watch
crossing myself wouldn't be the right thing to do as i am not a catholic, in fact I have never had a faith, not in a god i was taught about, i don't blaspheme anyway, i don't say christ when i stub my toe, i would usually say oh my goodness rather than oh my god, i wandered through life wondering about all that stuff though, wondering what this place is after all there are a lot of weird things that go on.
I did however walk 500 miles from france into spain, i know here i go, going on about that again ;)
the smile sometimes comes back to my face, as i realise what the last several years have been if not a waste... not trying to rhyme these lines, i'm trying to write, whatever it is that is in my head to get it out... get rid of it, from in there, see whether or not there is any inspiration again coming in, out.
as in the past that is what happened, that is what i had gotten used to, perhaps it wasn't ever there...
no connection to anything, all the evidence merely circumstantial, the acts and beliefs of others, merely making me convinced of things, maybe they too were playing a trick, being used...
I feel in some ways as though I have been, lead astray, but in truth when i ask myself by who, by me is the easiest answer, after all, it was my idea to go looking, my idea, or the chances that presented themselves, during my life, there were times when i had to get out there, and meet people, and that lead to certain things happening that i would never in the moment question, just get on with it.
Things and people came into my life in this way and i dealt often with whatever came up out of fear
fear of not knowing what was expected of me, not feeling comfortable in new situations, if i didn't know what i was meant to be doing, if i had never experienced something before, it was terrifying
all i can say is that the last years have opened up my mind, my subconcious now concious, there, open, my past laid bare for me to see much more clearly, maybe as i always said, we lie to ourselves and then take that out into the world as our truth, my whole blog seems to have been me accusing others of things i'm far more guilty of, those parts of myself that i wished weren't there that are?
it's become such a struggle now, feeling again like in 2012 that my physical body is shutting down
simple things maybe not even as severe as i fear, suddenly the future is a mess not a dream coming true, a scary dream mind you, for real i thought if i only had faith and some courage that i could get there, to wherever the future was, whatever it held, with some kind of dignity, with something to give to others, finding out how little that is true when it comes to the challenges i was going to face...
It's much harder, you have to work so much harder, have to be present, do so much, struggle, stress
at least im writing again i suppose, although it's going to be cryptic for anyone else, just my own stupid inane ramblings, not meaning much to anyone but me, maybe that was it all along, some kind of fantasy, of being a writer, writing my woes out into the world, thinking i was sharing a wonderful journey into the tiny places and spaces in space such a wide and large final frontier, out there, in here, microcosm, macrocosm... I've not been to as many places in the world, or in my country as most.
Most people have lived lives, gone places, celebrated being alive, seen things, done things, i have too just not seen them as anything but stepping stones across a river, that i was fording, wading through
thought i was going with the flow, entering a stream of conciousness, an ocean of enlightenment
some of the things I was saying seemed to make sense to the spiritually minded, it would be fucking awesome if I somehow became worth some money after my death and that someone close to me could benefit from that, i used to ascribe meaning to too much, thought everything i came across, especially lately was describing this place, everything was a message, coming in loud and clear
Now i look back and wonder was i just travelling without moving? A Funky Monkey dancing his way into a dangerous liaison with the headhunters, not heading for a marriage with two kids with a woman from an island? You see I was told many things, by a few people, some of which I thought might come true, some of which I thought seemed to fill in so many gaps, so many puzzle pieces...
And yet NOPE, seems not now. I know I've had to pull back from the spiritual view, because it's possible, ok probable, that I was babbling, no i was babbling making very little sense, last year, towards the end of the summer, and the end of the year, I've been there before, on a three year ride from september 2011 to here in May 2014 wondering if this will be my year, to recover or just die
I'm still here now having less thoughts about doing something drastic not to be, knowing i couldn't do that, it's the other people's sake that I hold on to, I'm just here to make money and pay more debts off
So would I ever, could I ever entertain, relax and enjoy feeling those feelings again?
You see all the time I was meditating and visualising and taichi'iing...
There wasn't ever much of a feeling, going through motions.
Feeling emotions, feeling the feeling of elation.
Covering up the trepidation of connecting.
Missing the times I had with others.
Knowing I can't trust myself.
No temptations please.
Let me be to feel.
Let me try to get myself out of this mess, stress less, work more, make things right.
Facing an uncertain future, knowing i had it mapped out for us all in my head before.
In some ways the next two to three years will be an even greater test, to see the truth.
Let's see what happens or nothing at all just an increase of this madness outside not in.
The world becoming less and less of a place that makes any sense, common sense please?
Bringing back the best of the old ways of doing things was our only hope, denying the tech.
Using the tech to solve our problems, making it easier for us to come together as one species.
Not continue to see each other as different because of our faith or because of our lack of it.
It seems as though we're all in it together, we are connected, that cannot be denied, see how quickly something gets reported from the other side of the world, tragedy coming from there fast.
And yet there's good news out there too, it's just that it doesn't sell news papers, doesn't trend?
When will this ever end, maybe it's not meant to have a happy ending at all, that sucks.
I did however walk 500 miles from france into spain, i know here i go, going on about that again ;)
the smile sometimes comes back to my face, as i realise what the last several years have been if not a waste... not trying to rhyme these lines, i'm trying to write, whatever it is that is in my head to get it out... get rid of it, from in there, see whether or not there is any inspiration again coming in, out.
as in the past that is what happened, that is what i had gotten used to, perhaps it wasn't ever there...
no connection to anything, all the evidence merely circumstantial, the acts and beliefs of others, merely making me convinced of things, maybe they too were playing a trick, being used...
I feel in some ways as though I have been, lead astray, but in truth when i ask myself by who, by me is the easiest answer, after all, it was my idea to go looking, my idea, or the chances that presented themselves, during my life, there were times when i had to get out there, and meet people, and that lead to certain things happening that i would never in the moment question, just get on with it.
Things and people came into my life in this way and i dealt often with whatever came up out of fear
fear of not knowing what was expected of me, not feeling comfortable in new situations, if i didn't know what i was meant to be doing, if i had never experienced something before, it was terrifying
all i can say is that the last years have opened up my mind, my subconcious now concious, there, open, my past laid bare for me to see much more clearly, maybe as i always said, we lie to ourselves and then take that out into the world as our truth, my whole blog seems to have been me accusing others of things i'm far more guilty of, those parts of myself that i wished weren't there that are?
it's become such a struggle now, feeling again like in 2012 that my physical body is shutting down
simple things maybe not even as severe as i fear, suddenly the future is a mess not a dream coming true, a scary dream mind you, for real i thought if i only had faith and some courage that i could get there, to wherever the future was, whatever it held, with some kind of dignity, with something to give to others, finding out how little that is true when it comes to the challenges i was going to face...
It's much harder, you have to work so much harder, have to be present, do so much, struggle, stress
at least im writing again i suppose, although it's going to be cryptic for anyone else, just my own stupid inane ramblings, not meaning much to anyone but me, maybe that was it all along, some kind of fantasy, of being a writer, writing my woes out into the world, thinking i was sharing a wonderful journey into the tiny places and spaces in space such a wide and large final frontier, out there, in here, microcosm, macrocosm... I've not been to as many places in the world, or in my country as most.
Most people have lived lives, gone places, celebrated being alive, seen things, done things, i have too just not seen them as anything but stepping stones across a river, that i was fording, wading through
thought i was going with the flow, entering a stream of conciousness, an ocean of enlightenment
some of the things I was saying seemed to make sense to the spiritually minded, it would be fucking awesome if I somehow became worth some money after my death and that someone close to me could benefit from that, i used to ascribe meaning to too much, thought everything i came across, especially lately was describing this place, everything was a message, coming in loud and clear
Now i look back and wonder was i just travelling without moving? A Funky Monkey dancing his way into a dangerous liaison with the headhunters, not heading for a marriage with two kids with a woman from an island? You see I was told many things, by a few people, some of which I thought might come true, some of which I thought seemed to fill in so many gaps, so many puzzle pieces...
And yet NOPE, seems not now. I know I've had to pull back from the spiritual view, because it's possible, ok probable, that I was babbling, no i was babbling making very little sense, last year, towards the end of the summer, and the end of the year, I've been there before, on a three year ride from september 2011 to here in May 2014 wondering if this will be my year, to recover or just die
I'm still here now having less thoughts about doing something drastic not to be, knowing i couldn't do that, it's the other people's sake that I hold on to, I'm just here to make money and pay more debts off
So would I ever, could I ever entertain, relax and enjoy feeling those feelings again?
You see all the time I was meditating and visualising and taichi'iing...
There wasn't ever much of a feeling, going through motions.
Feeling emotions, feeling the feeling of elation.
Covering up the trepidation of connecting.
Missing the times I had with others.
Knowing I can't trust myself.
No temptations please.
Let me be to feel.
Let me try to get myself out of this mess, stress less, work more, make things right.
Facing an uncertain future, knowing i had it mapped out for us all in my head before.
In some ways the next two to three years will be an even greater test, to see the truth.
Let's see what happens or nothing at all just an increase of this madness outside not in.
The world becoming less and less of a place that makes any sense, common sense please?
Bringing back the best of the old ways of doing things was our only hope, denying the tech.
Using the tech to solve our problems, making it easier for us to come together as one species.
Not continue to see each other as different because of our faith or because of our lack of it.
It seems as though we're all in it together, we are connected, that cannot be denied, see how quickly something gets reported from the other side of the world, tragedy coming from there fast.
And yet there's good news out there too, it's just that it doesn't sell news papers, doesn't trend?
When will this ever end, maybe it's not meant to have a happy ending at all, that sucks.
Thursday 8 May 2014
Oh dear what can the matter be
It all made so much sense at the time and I can see and remember the feeling, feelings that went through me then too, feeling as though despite my own internal knowing that by writing what I wrote, that insisting on getting out what was in, I could be undermining the very things I had built, trust, faith, in me, in you, that I could be doing a detrimental damage to the relationships I had forged, but then I can see now that I hadn't really forged any, there were some fledgling friendships and I have spent some quality time with some quality people, but over the last three years especially, all I've really done is gone from one extreme to another, from inclusivity to exclusivity to reclusivity...
Gone from the me of old who had friendships, who yes felt as though I was on a long journey of discovery, of spiritual questioning, of asking the big questions and wondering and reading all sorts of sources for some answers, but in truth as I am now, a shadow of my former self I can see the judgements I made of others, some close to me who had become less so over the years.
Now there's a big hole in my arguments, a big mess where my spirituality was, like it was taken, like it was never there, like I can't afford to believe in it anymore, I dare not look lest I go blind.
Staring at the sun, early in the morning, last thing before it goes down, the first and last hour.
They say that the darkest hour is the one before the dawn, well then I hope I've seen it now.
Things have certainly gotten better as I've waited for things to turn around on their own.
Waited to see people, waited to know what they think, realising how short sighted I've been.
Spotting the obvious things that I had let get away from me, the obvious priorities for me now.
All I wish now is for the strength to take opportunities that present themselves, to try to make recompense for my failings, knowing I will have to face myself more than ever before now.
Knowing that I didn't like what I found over the last weeks and months and knowing I've let my friends of old slip away, I'm glad in ways because I wouldn't have wanted them to see me like this, wouldn't have wanted to have been such an up and downer, such a frowner, such a liability, such a waste though, such a shame, to see others as making the wrong decisions when I was actually.
Coming to terms with knowing I can't afford the temptations, can't afford to be who I was then.
Lost all my confidence, and knowing I don't want it all to come back, I was over confident.
Now again my body is showing signs of not knowing what to do, my own self control.
What are those pains, those feelings, in the tips of toes, the bottoms of feet, rock bottom hit.
Building back up again, never having been a big one for seeing doctors about anything before.
Except that time I got a tic on my dick, had to drop trow get out cock for a beautiful student doc.
Gone from the me of old who had friendships, who yes felt as though I was on a long journey of discovery, of spiritual questioning, of asking the big questions and wondering and reading all sorts of sources for some answers, but in truth as I am now, a shadow of my former self I can see the judgements I made of others, some close to me who had become less so over the years.
Now there's a big hole in my arguments, a big mess where my spirituality was, like it was taken, like it was never there, like I can't afford to believe in it anymore, I dare not look lest I go blind.
Staring at the sun, early in the morning, last thing before it goes down, the first and last hour.
They say that the darkest hour is the one before the dawn, well then I hope I've seen it now.
Things have certainly gotten better as I've waited for things to turn around on their own.
Waited to see people, waited to know what they think, realising how short sighted I've been.
Spotting the obvious things that I had let get away from me, the obvious priorities for me now.
All I wish now is for the strength to take opportunities that present themselves, to try to make recompense for my failings, knowing I will have to face myself more than ever before now.
Knowing that I didn't like what I found over the last weeks and months and knowing I've let my friends of old slip away, I'm glad in ways because I wouldn't have wanted them to see me like this, wouldn't have wanted to have been such an up and downer, such a frowner, such a liability, such a waste though, such a shame, to see others as making the wrong decisions when I was actually.
Coming to terms with knowing I can't afford the temptations, can't afford to be who I was then.
Lost all my confidence, and knowing I don't want it all to come back, I was over confident.
Now again my body is showing signs of not knowing what to do, my own self control.
What are those pains, those feelings, in the tips of toes, the bottoms of feet, rock bottom hit.
Building back up again, never having been a big one for seeing doctors about anything before.
Except that time I got a tic on my dick, had to drop trow get out cock for a beautiful student doc.
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