native narrative play

as i read about spiritual things, meditation, visualisation, i used my imagination and saw in my minds eye, a chalk outline me, in white on a black background, it was my energy body and I would see a white milky energy pouring over me like rain showering my body from head to toe, and as I was being cleansed it began to pool in my soles, climbing up and up through my feet, to my ankles, legs, thighs and onwards, filling this other me up, carrying all dark murky gunk and other detritus to the surface of it, moving on up until, reaching my crown it spurts out from a mammal spout, raining over me again and constantly being refreshed from a source whose force comes in constantly along the threads of a tale, as we are characters in our own story and part of a greater tapestry of life and love, stitched in time, stitched up, here, one strand coming from below to attach to our tail bone the other, behind our brow to the crown, where they travel to our centre, become united and those frayed ends, conjoining into a golden rope become the route to our destiny which is contained within the greater narrative of this novel place, one we need to read to find the happy ending x

average joe

2.4 children, the common man, a regular joe, we've all been given to believe that we're just normal folk, the average man on the street and lots of other sexist ways of describing who we are but then each of us is an individual after all, exceptional in our own way, one of a kind, so reducing us to a mean meme is wrong really x on this one planet we ought to celebrate similarities that we all share and our individuality, that's merely the icing on the cake and stops us getting bored :) xxxxx

in other words - let this be true - in other words - i love you

in other words, leaving the garden, gaining the knowledge of good and evil, to be given the challenge of living the good life in a world possessed and obsessed with creating a bad world is a challenge, one we have all been living with and one we all need to face, rather than feeling as though if we can't beat them we should join them... Free will is a lovely thing to have

dreamers can fly

the number of folk who expressed the attitude that for them, lately, they would remember a memory, of doing something, only to realise it was a dream, so for us, the dreamers, it's a case of understanding that this is the dream, that our dream world is the real world, where borders and boundaries are no longer there, where the monkey mind doesn't think about things, but we just do whatever we wish and in conclusion the time we share with other dreamers is the real world and this just a poor imitation and fantasy

the real world

it's so hard to leave the real world when all you want to do is stay, with the people who express a pure love so easily, so freely, so beautifully and then back you go to the rest of the world, living the way they're living, being the rational thought driven folk that we all know and love but find it hard to connect with because they don't know, haven't ever experienced how much energy and direction is available when you try, when you accept that you know nothing and then give peace a chance x

blissed out

here was a moment when I knew that I would have to accept my fair share of everyone else's pain, take that on and only then after suffering in silence for a little while, did I start to feel a great and pure love, years of angst, turned into real joy x My body convulsing, receiving short sharp shocks, orgasmic instants of bliss as I had my life force jumpstarted and realised how much love I was missing out on x

I Just Wanna Feel

Real Love

Last night was one of the worst in my life, not really, you see I've been pulling a splinter from my mind and like a vortex or a plughole or anything that repeats itself and tightens as you get closer to the edge of darkness, the void, rock bottom, the event horizon of a black hole, as you get there the sense is of coming to terms, the feeling is one of having to experience for me all the emotions I never did, all the pent up self hatred, the lack of self love, the inability to feel anything, a lack of loving truth.  That night, last night wasn't that bad, I chatted, I danced, I saw loads of great folks, I learnt things, I saw things, like the bloke arguing with himself, the drunk guy who looked sad being consoled and walked home or wherever by his mate, the other sights on a night out in a town.

The best moment was when I was leaving and I realised that I didn't know the way home and I burst into laughter on my own in the car because I would usually be heading to the after party to get wasted.  On this occasion and don't get me wrong, it was a good night, great atmosphere, just a lack of connection and that's what I've been struggling with and I only had a couple of pints but felt energy.  I did some healing so I managed to be the best me that I am when I am just being good.

The truth I've been struggling with, over the last few years is accepting the darker aspects, the deeper levels of who I am, stretched  as I have been, to experience and see the true limits of what I can be.

I've been spread thin like too little butter on bread and that is a good thing because in the past I sought to hide from everything and everyone, I sought shelter and relief from being concious and now I feel as though I'm going through all the things I didn't want to see, hear, feel so it's a good thing.  To me it seems as though our lives are our karma, our lives are meant to include all the things that happen to us, in order for on the small scale of a short human lifetime for us to make choices, to choose a different route to the ones we may have navigated in the past, to bring together in a small way the lives we have lived if we have before, to draw a conclusion if we choose to go with our instincts, if we have, make the time, for me I've made working on myself a priority and that takes up so much energy but it's necessary because what follows is a larger more expansive version of this.

As though when we die, we go one way or the other, we go higher, to realms of unimaginable beauty and ugliness, that there is another world, worlds, as though we are rehearsing eternity in this short space we call our life, as though we can choose because of our free will to do so or ignore the call.

So as I face the pain I've caused, I've ignored, as I face myself and am able to see where I've gone wrong, as painful as it is, I am being given a chance to change my tune, to sing a different song.

This life is so interesting, and rather than shy away, it's necessary for me to accept the entirety of who I can be, to find greater depths of courage, to see the truth of the massive beings we really are in order to keep making the right choices, to keep waiting and hoping, to keep letting, allowing this pain to be felt, so that it can dissipate, so that in the end joy can emerge and I hope I'm not disappointing too many people, I hope I'm not being too much of a party pooper, but this road is mine to travel.

Rehab ilitation

Sherlock Holmes, Fox Mulder, all the weirdest characters are the ones that I can't help feeling more like than their counterparts, John Watson, Dana Scully and in some ways that makes a lot of sense because I am misanthropic, although I'm not sure if my subconcious has chosen the right word there.  You see from an early age I could spell lots of words, I knew their definitions, words made sense.

They made sense of the world for me, made sense to me, maybe I could place it as a lingering, strong unfluence (influence I meant to write, but I have to take the freudian slip for what it is) coming from my parents' love of improving their word score, the readers digest, my love of books, bookishness, worlds within worlds, fiction, non fiction, science fiction, science non fiction, although the use of the word fictional and non-fictional has little bearing in a world that itself appears more and more to be just that.  A fiction.  Fiction, friction, fiction, fiction, fiction, the way a word will lose its meaning when you say it over and over again, as we lose our grasp of its meaning, its sense of solidity when we do that, when we insist on going over and over something, obsessions, obsessive thinking, actions, behaviours, habits, habit forming, forming words, forming a sense of the world itself.

So yes in many ways i am a misanthrope, assuming that's the word I was grasping for to put some meaning into the feeling behind the phrases, the palette of colourful language I intend to pretend to grasp, pretend to have a feeling of needing to express, or perhaps I really do, sense something.

Repetitive, repeating the use of words, normally it's a bad thing, you're supposed not to do that.

When you write, it's best normally not to repeat the same words, phrases because it leaves the audience with the feeling that they've already read it, already done that part, they get confused, lose their track, i do that, did that, lost my train of thought, lost the training from conditioning, from schooling, from the normal rational way of doing things, I began to feel my way, I've always struggled with making decisions because I can't see the difference between choices, between options, they both seem sensible, shall we do this or that?  Shall we go here or there?  Unless I could feel which was the better path, I couldn't make up my mind.  So I went with the normal way openly, but privately I didn't, privately in my own mind, in my own little world where I've lived for so long.

Unable to hold a normal conversation, because I am not interested in what other people say, I am, if it informs my little world, if I can learn more about what it is to be a human being, if I can use whatever I gather to help me to be more normal, but should I wish that?  Really?  Shouldn't I just try to be the best me that I can?  When someone asked me a question like how are you?  I would reply but not return the favour, unfavourably I would just say I'm fine thanks, goodbye, because conversation feels threatening to me, unless my inhibitions are gone, to go through the small talk to get to the crux.

To get to the reason we are communicating, to find out what they can learn from me and me them.

That's what every encounter is about, if only the small talk were more expansive, if only it didn't involve me getting to know more about people I feel possibly irrationally there is very little point in me getting to know, because our relationship will be short, our friendship, their life, my life.

Everybody dies, perhaps that's it, grief as I've posited before, as I've openly expressed it before, the death of a close relative, who I barely knew, I barely know anyone, really, from my perspective I really don't, people say things about others, because they feel it, they feel close to them, they know more about them, because they talk about meaningless nonsense together, they talk about things, they converse and conversely I don't, I shy away from connection, I shy away, I shy, shy shy shy shy shy.

I once said I was shy and someone close to me seemed to think that was a novel way to describe me.

Or at least the nuance, the little things that I notice, the underlying sentiments, the underlying, the lying, the constant lying, because people won't say what they mean, they talk in subtext and so I am nonplussed, unable to read between the lions, lines, lions, the lines, between the lines, underlines.

I guess it's some form of disorder, some form of lack of social skills, a form of lack of connection.

Then I go out, I get passed my inhibitions, I naturally am outgoing, love to meet new people, because those relationships are exciting the brief encounters for an important reason, the fact that it's new, they don't know me, they won't get to know me, I can do whatever it is we both need to learn, see, hear, feel, I can do it then, but not when the pressure of expectation builds, I'm expecting them to die.

Soon, I wonder about impermanence, about why people buy things they will never use, rarely then.

I wonder why people bother with so many things and it's frustrating because romantic relationships, friendships is a better way to describe what I think of as the sort of connections that would lead to that, closeness, sex, intimacy rather, intimacy not sex, intimacy, cuddling, kissing, holding, close.

I can already see the end, the reason why things won't work, the breakup, the failure for me to makeup, the failure of me to be a man, have the courage to talk, to say the things I want to.

It's a vicious cycle, circle, circular reasoning, fear, fear, fear, dear, dear, dear, dear me, if only.

Blah blah blah wa wa wa babababa black sheep, wank sheep, oh well, that was fun.

Writing words, spelling, writing spells, shells, sea shells, unexploded second world war shells.

Dug up on a beach in omaha, rather omaha beach, or one of those renamed monstrosities of the second world war in france, where on a school trip we, they, dived to a sunken landing craft and recovered, unexploded shells, brought them home despite a thorough search by french customs.

After returning home, the bomb squad or rather two police officers came to our door.

Have you got any shells?  Did you bring any back from france they said?

Yes.  I'll go and get them.  Beautiful they were, not sure I still have them.

You know the sort that kids find and take home, to listen to the sea in.

I was the innocent, the scared one, the afraid one, the little one, me.

But I don't remember being the scared, I didn't know enough to be.

Blown up by the bomb squad, army whatevers, my friends shells.

Mortars whatever they were, I think I might have had a pen.

The ones where the lady undresses when you hold it right.

Sex, sex, sex, women, friends, female friends, I miss em.

I've found the source of my misanthropy, it's women.

It's a woman, the divine feminine, the part of me.

The part that feels female, the part of me that is.

The part I used to explore, endure, now openly.

Openly experienced, the morays of society.

The failures to celebrate womanhood.

The failure of society to be whole.

The failure to celebrate us all.

To have leaders at all
the least of us
ruling over
the rest.

Full Stop...

End.

x

I miss how being around my female friends always made me feel like a better person, I miss the soothing nature of those relationships, the feeling of being known, understood, women do that.

storyteller

in truth there are facets of us we would rather not admit or realise are there, the crux is that without accepting the shadow side within we can't find the light either so my journey has been one of reading the narrative of the story of my life without writing it as I go along, without the half truths, the exaggerations, the lies i told me before, if i've understood it all correctly then the next chapter is about redemption xx

sharing and caring

i want to share something with you all and it's going to give me some peace and, yet more, energy for the challenges ahead that before, i had my head stuck in the sand, avoiding anything that I wasn't good at and concentrating on things I liked... so here goes, believe or don't that's up to you, you could always try it ;) xxxxx

in the past i used to find large obstacles in my way, like a heavy door or seemingly impossible tasks in front of me which I thought I could never, shouldn't ever face

so in the quiet moments between the future and the past, in the now, I would say what if?  what if I tried this?  what if I remembered what we can all really do?

so in that spirit of adventurousnessness ;) i would stand with my hands on that heavy door, that I could only move with great effort before and I would relax and not try to move it, I  would wait and let we two become one, me and that heavy door then I would feel a certain something happen between me and it, felt as though it was becoming a part of me and me a part of it, relaxing more it's never about how hard you try, the more you let go of your fears and expectations, the more you go with your incredible imaginations, i could move the door as if it was a part of me like my hand, i could ease it across as easily as i could move my head finally out of that sand, i never thought i could because i had nothing for my life planned ;) x

then later pausing to go over the fact that as a child i could feel energy between my hands, i could place them close together and feel them vibing like two like poles of a magnet, as though they were repelling each other, so I played with that and forgot

then later still i remembered that i could do that and when I was gardening I would use those two parts of who i really am, i brought them together and i would speak to the weeds, I would say you need to leave, to a quick death, so let go and allow me to change the layout at this location, i would grab them at the base, wait for a second for us to connect, say let go under my breath and take them more easily from the soil, coming away as if I was just lifting them without roots, as though they had done as I asked them so nicely to do, realise and agree with me that the best thing for everyone was if those weeds were no longer there...  as if by magic xxxxx

Now if you would ever like to feel what I feel, ask me to say how do you do like the american indians used to, we show each other our palms, we take them close, we let them nearly touch and wait to see if we can both feel our energies vibing like ;)

an inconvenient truth

it's been said that if you aren't part of the solution, you're part of the problem
and in truth the majority of us are part of the problem and not the solution...
for the sake of our convenience, other people and nature are inconvenienced
because BIG BUSINESS, World Leaders, THE SYSTEM itself says so.
We are then made to work ourselves into the ground, stress ourselves out.
Make ourselves ill, to fit into the way things are, the way we think they must be.
That's all a lie, an illusion of control that has to and is fading out of existence.
The future of this world can only work one way and that is sustainability...
It's obvious from the ways the oceans are polluted with plastics, small and large
It's obvious from the fact that there is a growing population and a shortage of space.
It's obvious because it's coming to a head all of the worlds problems are apparent.
So the only way forward is for each of us to withdraw from the system, realise
the ways in which we collude and include ourselves in it, make things worse.
For the sake of our own convenience because we are trapped in lives we don't want to lead, doing things to earn money that make us ill, keep us tied down, stop us from being and doing the things we were meant to be doing with our precious lives.

There is no need for us to return to nature for we are already a part of her
A sick and twisted part it has to be said for most of us aren't connected
We are fighting for survival and security in our lives regardless of others
The more we learn about the ways the world works the less we like it
Because the truth is that we have been moulded into slaves for them
Those who only think of themselves and profit and the short term...
This has to stop, we must think of our children and their children
We need to think seven generations ahead and realise that's us
We are the future, here and now is where decisions are made
That will shape the world for the rest of time, until the end...

polite notice

if you notice yourself thinking, start noticing when you're not
a moment between thoughts, so stretch it longer, the time
of no thoughts, get good at it, thinking of nothing being a
no-one, stretching your self image to include a vibrant
energetic flow that you can feel, you just have to let
go of limits, expectations, rules and regulations
experiment every moment you live for the
miracles we seek are within us all you
just have to ask nicely for them
love
jon
x

accidentally on purpose

last year there was a terrible accident and michael schumacher was injured
at the time i was on a seemingly neverending high rising and rising and so
i did some energy work on the former world champion with all serious-
ness i worked longer and harder than I ever had for anyone else
and though i knew his injuries I sensed that they were to
the back and base of his head and upper spine and
i spent almost an hour praying and working then
i finished, tongue in cheek left my postcode
in his subconcious in case he ever felt
like supporting my ventures in life.
Yes so i followed his recovery
and hoped upon hope that
in some small way i'd
helped along with the
love and support of
millions worldwide
Having a vivid and far reaching imagination may mean that all i've ever done is make things up in my head that have no truth in reality, but then does this reality have any truth to it, beyond what we 
gather in with our senses, what we are told because science for me as interesting as it is
 is a rather logical way of working out what is going on, it relies on the scientific
method on trial and error, on tests, on theories that seem to match the evidence,
but that is all again just what we gather using all the usual techniques, outside
of that is what we feel, what we intuit, gut instincts
more than merely rational exploration
experiential intelligence, method
brought to bear on madness
and so i leave you with
the idea that to dare
to dream is your
deliverance.
With love
to you
x

I,C,

 confidence i pretend to have it until i do
i just imagined and learnt about more
and pretended that it was real until
it was and all my dreams came
true ok not yet, some of them
but they're on their way or
something even better
making believe like
children whatever
we like to use
Imagination
4 Creating
harmony
balance
kive
x

a song about love - and love being life

it occurs to me as so often things do
that the other day, i referred to a you
in that case as with so many others
im talking bout everyone not a nother
as there isn't one person particularly
that i could be speaking about verily
my fault I know that i don't tend to let
anyone get too close at least not yet
since i got used to keeping peeps at
arms length, a bad habit i know, one
im trying to relent and well so on go
i, spouting words here to be readed
cos it comes to me to be spreaded
into the world, as a kind of release
a form of communication, please
don't worry that im talking about ya
for all the planet to see no no no...
no no no no no no no no no no
no no there's no limit no no limits
we'll reach for the sky, that means
all of us, you, you, you, you and me

ah well they don't always come out
the way i was hoping at all shucks
to be fair i never was much of a poet
more of a creative writer spouting lots
of ideas one after the other at least
that's what my english teacher said

it is helping me to find my voice
even though i still panic when
given a choice, about what
i should say and what i
should not making it
up as i go along
seeing lyrics
as i write
a song
about
love
x

shoehornying

You see every moment with you reminds me internally
of every instance when I was my Best and my Worst me
and so as i harness the latter and free the first one of these
it makes for an it's complicated situation between you and me
mostly between me and me for the duration as i decide who is he
after all these years of idle speculation, tribulation, trepidation, glee
i must remember not to panic, breathe slow and deep, not fight or flee
because when i can slow things down, stop hearing, listen more to thee
i find life becoming wonderful, free, joyous, connected, unexpected ya see
and that is what i had always hoped for, for me, to be able to someday be
less concerned, worried, fearful and outrageous, calmer, sensible at sea
able to weather storms, enjoy becalming waters, surfs up, yes all three
become a voyager in life again setting out on some new trip basically
to who knows where, with who knows who, doing who, knows what
and so that is why i've opened up again, set sail am taking a shot
the rest i have no idea about, out of practise it just happens a lot
that I happen to things, not the other way around and so i've got
a brand new ledger into which to write a new true captains log
it's about time i finished shoehorning nautical reference in...