Fear Itself

There is nothing to fear but fear itself, or so I have heard it said...

So in reality apart from of course things like being murdered,

or martial law being imposed or some natural disaster there,

really isn't anything that we should be fearing in our lives.

The media is caught in a death spiral where it has to lead,

with things, or more importantly people who bleed and

so they naturally, or unnaturally insist on portraying the world as a very dangerous place, when in fact violent crime has been going down for years, it's as if our more violent nature, driven by a powerful structure of rules and regulations and the fear of reprisals of a very harsh state in the past made no difference to the inner desires of those who wished to commit acts of terror, murder, and the rest.

Over time we've become less likely to for instance see gang violence between rival groups based on where we live, in my area Malmesbury lads would attack Tetbury boys and vice versa, even inter village violence wasn't rare, if your face didn't fit you could find yourself in trouble for going travelling with your mates to the wrong pub, I think it's fair to say that some went out for precisely that reason in the bad old days.  I know there are a lot of awful things going on in the world but generally it is a nicer place to be.  However there is a lot of stuff that isn't so pleasant and we're only becoming more and more aware of it, as whistle blowers keep on shedding light on the darker aspects of our so called culture, of our so called civilised societies.  For my part it is possible that my point of view is skewed because I'm suffering from some kind of mental illness, that makes me see the world in a certain way, coloured by my own addled brain, attributed to substance abuse or years of being a loner who likes company, dipping my toes into life occasionally when called upon or feeling like it.

There is a feeling within me that this is a time of revelation, for the revealing of hidden truths, literally apocalypse, the meaning of which is actually the revealing of truths that were hidden.

Look it up if you don't believe me.

I have sacrificed loads of the normal things that others go for because I never felt comfortable going after them, didn't feel as though it was my place, or felt a great sense of fear and trepidation, that I'm not cut out for certain things, that we are all being put into square holes when we're round pegs...

As though the world is changing in ways that are not necessarily for the good of all at all, and you only have to look at who is benefitting from the world as it is currently, fewer and fewer are richer.

More and morer are poorer ;) sorry if I didn't manage to inject even a simple joke like that my stuff would be very depressing indeed if it isn't already, you see that's why I find it so difficult to be around others, their conversations are nonetheless important to them, and should be to me, about people, their lives, the minutia of them, the things they've bought, who said what to who, gossip and I am not a good person when it comes to family really,  I should probably take more of an interest than I do.

I've become concious that maybe it's my problem, maybe there's something wrong, why I'm only interested when there's something to do rather than when there's nothing but the daily grind involved.

As though I think of myself as something special, as though I have something important to impart, some kind of fucking prophet in these most uncertain of certainly interesting times, filled to the brim with innuendo and absolute rubbish at the same time.  Fluff pieces and entertainment that you could be absorbed in until the end of time, remakes of remakes, reboots of reboots, over and over again.

Telling and retelling the same old stories and the new ones occasionally getting a look in.

This world seems to survive and most of the people in it despite all the reasons to fear.

Super volcano in Yosemite that would wipe out a good proportion of the u.s. of a.

All sorts of other natural ways for life to end or change forever and a day.

Man made reasons and events that are speculated but never occur.

The end has been nigh for a long long time really it has.

So why now?  Why me?  Why us?  What's going on?

Probably nothing, let's wait and see, why don't we?

But in the middle of all this a pervading fear.

Bred by the media, by the internet.

Secrets, theories, the stressors.

Like population, the environment, the sixth mass extinction of life on this planet already underway.

Big game hunters still wiping out the last of things because we can't resist the high price of destruction, killing something off, wanting to be the big man or woman who does so...

Almost as if we're all caught in some vicious cycle, circling the drain, shooting fish in a barrel and lions that are half tame for the camera and for the folks to be made jealous of back home.

All the while there are those of us who seek a higher life and those a lower one.

Those of the masses who have travelled one path or the other of temptation.

A whole planet like one huge experiment in what can go right & wrong.

Winners and losers are the name of the game competing as we do.

Unable to work together until or unless extremis comes along.

Bringing out the worst but mostly the best out of most of us.

Maybe that's what it will take, for enough to be hurt by a few for a great number to stand up for what they believe in, there is a school of thought that the conditions whilst not favourable are certainly pre-existing right now for a revolution in thought and act, indeed an evolution of conciousness.

A complete change in the way things are done worldwide, power structures evaporating.

It stands on a knife edge and I carry on looking for a job amongst this wreckage.

Trying to see the human aspect of this puzzle as more important than the sum.

To see individuals as worthy of short term attention rather than the future.

Because my attention is constantly on the eternal dilemma of man.

How do I save myself and those I love when the world is ending?

How can I be reborn given I see the darkness I carry with me?

What can I do now that I know I don't care as I ought to?

Am I infected with 'ill at ease', an energy, a disease?

Some inherited malaise, an inherent deterent?

A fear of failure to save my soul and feel?

To find out why it is that I am so numb?

What is it that makes this whole question and answer session so intriguing and why am I so disconnected, why am I so different, what happened to make it so, why when where what who?

Fear itself?

Dame de Fame and Miss Fortune

Sometimes when I log out of my email online some new items appear on the right hand side of the 'News' page that is displayed and some of those are 'Celebrity Stories' i.e. pictures of people.

Going about their business, having what they are wearing and doing scrutinised, lately what they are wearing becomes an advert for the maker or designer, right there on the page about the 'story'.

The 'story' usually being someones take on whatever it was this person or people were doing when the photographer or paparazzi captured them in the act of going shopping or whatever.

I feel for anyone who has ever had their five minutes of fame in todays world, the fact that they have no right to privacy and can be followed wherever they go, so often they actually stage things.

They let their agents notify the photogs where the 'star' will be so that they can be there to take snaps of them and putting them in a more favourable light, thus giving them a story or 'they will make one up'.  It's been referred to in the past that a star will be given the option, "We've got this story about you and we're going to publish it, unless you want to give us your side, or something more juicy".

So glad I've never been famous, don't have to worry about being followed around, worry over what I'm wearing, doing, who I'm with, where we go, what we do, feeling that pressure to perform, unable to be yourself because someone is always watching you, I don't know how some of them manage it.

I did appear in a video for a pop song at one point, I was invited to go to london to take part and it was a fun time, my face isn't in the final product just the back of me fake barging through a crowd of 'rioters' standing around a fire in the car park of a warehouse in an up and coming area of london.

I've been spending a lot of time lately finding out the hidden aspects of this world and our lives.

For many the day to day struggle to make ends meet, to spend what free time they get on relaxing, all the stresses of the modern world makes it so much more difficult for people to spend any time on finding out these things, I see so much of it, am drawn to find out about it, the hidden side of life.

The things that are spoken of in the myriad of websites on the internet, that allude to all sorts of conspiracies, secret societies, the corruption of the churches and religions of the world by dark forces, the greater use of symbolism and the fact that it is becoming less and less hidden over time, just do a web search for the terms, occult symbols in popular culture and change to images and check it out...

It would seem that as I fell down the rabbit hole of spiritual experiences and beliefs and found out more and more, that there is something to the dark side of all this and it seems more prevalent.

The good side of it, the God side?  Is there a good god?  A White Magic?  Something that has become perverted over the ages, from a beginning that was pure and untrammelled?  I don't know.

You see I was often given to believe that this was an imperfect creation but I would hope that within the hearts of the people there was a tendency to have a spark of divinity there, not to become corrupted by all the messages in the media and society that say you should want things that might take you in the wrong direction.  I understood the message to be when I was growing up that sexuality was something between people who loved each other, who had developed a connection, a relationship, not something to jump into at the first opportunity to satiate your own desire for orgasm.

I know ho addictive, sorry how addictive, the release can be.  I was given to understand that succumbing to our lower selves, our most base desires held us back, kept us down in the chakras stakes whereas we would be better served not to be focussed on our own pleasure but giving it to another, allowing our sexual energy to rise up within, to become a purer spiritual ecstacy.

What do I know?  It's been so long I'm virtually a virgin again.  I was saving myself for someone I loved and for sex to be an expression of a deep relationship, a trust that is built, not something to give away at the first sign of interest from someone else.  I was offered though in the way it goes these days, someone wanted me to 'go upstairs and fuck them' and a friend asked me to do as much.

I feel as though sex has been cheapened even if that is just an attitude held not necessarily some deeper and darker belief system, just a pervading way of looking at the world today.

Morals for instance, I've been immoral in the past, have stolen, rationalised things I've done.

I knew and stated as much when I began to believe in more, that I was on the path or attempting to be so, to redemption, looking for ways to clean up my act certainly and I have done so, but there is a casual if I can't beat them then join them attitude, petty theft, a pen here, a paperclip there, lead by business leaders and companies that daily legally but immorally steal from the public coffers through the means of sending profits offshore, routed through third parties and back again to avoid tax.

The world is setup to make it so very difficult for anyone to do the right thing, that's why I keep trying to escape from the system, wanting to pay off my debts and somehow extricate myself.

I wonder if this is a good place at all, I know there is love in the world, between people.

The more I look the more I see the less I like...  I have turned the corner though.

It's a battle for our hearts and minds that they keep using the phrase abroad.

The final battle between good and evil going on inside each of us.

Rambling now running out of whatever inspiration I had.

Ending here in much confusion for the writings contradict each other.

Some say that esoteric symbols such as the swatika are good.

That they were turned on their heads or turned bad.

Then someone says all ancient religions are false.

That paganism is all dark witchcraft no good.

It all becomes a maelstrom of mystery.

Designed to keep us all in fear.

To make it harder perhaps for a man to enter the kingdom of heaven than for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle.  Who is to say whether the bible has it right, the Koran, the Torah, any of it...

Maybe it is within us that we can find the answer, to find something that works for us inside.

I don't know, all I know is that my struggle is to make sense of it all as a spiritual seeker.

To try to evolve, resolve the inner turmoil, find a truth to belong to, a life to lead.

A way to heal damage I carry from this life and who knows how many others?

Are we a spark of god, or are we merely children looking to connect to it?

Does any of it offer us a way forward or is it all just a downward spiral?

I've come to realise things about myself I didn't like finding out,

but that makes it far easier for me not to do so again.

My concious attention is on finding goodness,

in a world seemingly doing both falling,

and rising at the same time both.

Going dark for many more,

and light for many too,

who struggle to be,

to find divine

love

Peoples Climate March

I'm a little confused, this went on yesterday
and yet i couldnt find it in the news paper
so if this isnt newsworthy then what is?
climate change isnt the issue really
it's the planet being poisoned by
companies that want to carry
on making money out of
destroying the one
place we have
to live on,
earth
x

The Fantasy and the Reality and the Fiction

This place just seems more and more like a work of fiction, a creation within a creation, characters on a stage, play on.  Only there have been world wars and millions of people have died from illness, cruelty and love has been around here too in the lives and deaths of so many folks it seems.

We go through life as though it is enough just to live it, in some ways I wish I could go back.  To a time when all I was interested in was working, going to the pub or whatever, buying games to play.

All of the stuff that most every other person in the world just does and consumes themselves with.

I can't go back, whether part of my condition, whatever that is or part of a calling to ask myself.

A calling that I answered by leaving a career that was making me ill but that I never wanted.

I did what was expected of me and yet leaving and ending up without a plan was an error.

It became a self fulfilling prophesy because I had nothing to do nowhere to go or be.

No-one in my life, to ask for help because I didn't feel I had anyone to turn to.

So I found myself in extremis and acted out within that new nothingness.

I became whatever it was, informed by my desire to know the truth.

To try to ask the questions no-one else was asking, to find them.

To find like minds, kindred spirits, to seek out a new life.

To try to explain the reasons for my scepticism.

Sceptical about life, love many things.

Yet a believer in the possibility.

I have been an extremity.

From one extreme to the other, a great friend so much so it was seen as too much, not believed to be merely a friend because I saw my role as that of the movie equivalent, the hero of stories, of myths.

I guess I've had my character written by my earliest devouring of the legends, of star wars, of The Lord of the Rings, of Good and Bad and Evil and love and death and happy endings and beginnings.

This is where the ramblings are poetic nonsense, where i let my brain or my heart spurt out the words, and i leave the railroad tracks because I can't be constrained by what has come before, what was deigned, designed, breaking out of the ways in which we are all lead to believe one thing.

That this is real, because it feels so, because it tastes, smells, looks, sounds, is real to us.

The differences between us seem more important here, our left brain saying so.

We are individuals, not energy expressing itself in different forms.

I saw a video of a brain researcher who had a stroke.

I've read the accounts of near death experiencers.

I know that over the ages we have been more.

I've seen things we can't explain and the archaeologists and historians don't have evidence, don't have the full picture and it looks as though they insist for reasons we can only guess at on denying what is obvious to all of us with a heart and a feeling about all this stuff, there are mysteries that go beyond.

There are structures still around that are pristine and outdo anything we can build today, so the drills are gone, the ancient technologies, the craftsmen and women, the artisans who worked for centuries.

There is a lost history of this world and as I have said many times before a lost herstory, men and women of old created things we can't even begin to imagine, let alone recreate in this day and age.

The world is more than meets the eyes, more than we are told, either because they don't know, or don't wish to let us in on it, on the truth of the mysteries that keep us interested, aliens, gods, the lot.

This place will keep me occupied because I have made a promise to myself not to disappoint those around me, even though I feel like a catcher in the rye, an outcast, a stranger, certainly at the moment.

I feel different, like an actor, playing my role, having created such a backstory that I believed I was it.

I created such a character around what I believed made myself a better person for it, that I could blame my shortcomings on others, I could judge them and leave myself as the innocent party.

I could live my life without facing the ways in which I was and am not looking forward to any of it.

I let my friends around me grow up as I did not, I ignored the lessons I should have learnt, I knew that they were all progressing and I was not and yet I could numb myself to the aches and growing pains, I could let it all go, I could say the right things when questioned, play along, let it slide.

It's as if I woke up recently and suddenly took back the characterisations of others, had thoughts that I thought disgusting when others expressed them, as if the darker side of humanity that I had only seen in the folks around me, were shown to be inside me too, not actions but thoughtforms thankfully.

So nothing to feel guilty about, but experiences mostly of the positive nature at the time to me, now looking back I can see how terribly fearful and scared I was and am now, facing mortality, of those around, of the things I haven't even realised I would see in the future, the struggles, the challenges.

So this seems to be my release, to let my fingers do the talking that I can't because my conversational skills are non existent when it comes to actually getting in a room with some and saying things.

Raising my voice to face my deepest held concerns, trying to do the things that I fear again.

Went on a march, my second, that I remember, the first in Trafalgar November the 5th 2012.

Today it was the Peoples Climate March, around the world but I was here in Bristol, England.

Normal everyday folks, from different organisations and just regular families an what have you.

Getting together in a town centre to march and take over the streets, safely and organised, marching.

My fear is that there is some dark and evil force overiding this space, this place and that all we are doing is making it clear who should be punished, and there is also the hope that as more of us face our fears and stand up, and raise our voices, and especially as there's families and the common folk, that we are breaking barriers, for those in the future to join us so it isn't always my desperate fears.

I face them as they are all part of my imagined world going on within and without, I don't know.

I thought I did, I saw things like timelines, the crazier parts of my story, my life of the last years.

Well they make so much sense when added to all of the little bits and pieces I've managed to cobble together, instincts, little snippets here and there, from the popular culture, from the historic record.

This place is a mystery that is worth solving but I keep coming back to the realisation that even if this place is fake, that the other people in it believe in it, we can swim in the ocean, they can visit other countries, I can walk 500 miles to the ocean of a continent on a Pilgrimage, I've been out there into the world, that seems so obviously a real place, I have family, I have debts all tying me down in a good way, I know my responsibilities, moreso with the coming of ageing and death.

As I had gone through what I thought was my education, gone through the falling of veils from my eyes, gone through experiences that I treasure far more than the majority of the rest of my life, even though some would say they were hallucinations, drug experiences not real ones, brought on not lived, made-up not experienced at all, I've made such a mess and it doesn't make a coherent sense.

I can't argue one way or the other really, I certainly don't think of myself as a good person to try to explain anything to anyone else who is on the path, or thinking about it, I go from one day to the next not knowing if I believe in magic, real magic and miracles and synchronicities anymore, not sure if this is all just someone's idea of a big joke, will we all wake up one day and see it as a dream here?

It's a cruel joke if it is one, because it seems so real, but if you asked for the time of your life, or the life of your time, an experience so real that you could feel every sensation, the most convincing ride.

Well then this would be it, we live literally and die and who knows maybe we go again, Again! AGAIN! Can I have another go mother, father? I don't know if it's a ride like that comedian said.

Bill Hicks you got a lot to answer for my friend, especially making smoking look so much fun, oh how I miss it, and nearly take it up again every day.  Knowing I've neglected my oral health, had this stubborn insistence on believing whatever it was that was in my heart over and above outsiders to my experience, the dentists who said "clean your teeth twice a day blah blah whatever...." only I would go from appointment to appointment leaving them until that morning and always hear the same talk.

I've had the realisation that I've followed in my father's footsteps there, he's not looked after his teeth much and I know that plaque is NOT good for you, in fact it's a bacteria that grows in the mouth, feeding on the food that sits around in there, and it travels quiet easily from there into the bloodstream and from there it works it's way into the nooks and crannies and stays put, it build up in the heart, in the narrow pathways where the blood goes around, anywhere where the blood goes.

So I know all this stuff or learnt it fairly recently but in the past three years from being god, seeing the timelines as though they were a cats cradle for me to play with and untangle like so much fishing wire, and it's all coming together, the things I thought that were wrong, the things I experienced that opened me up to people and places, and to questioning more, and to believing in more and more.

I know I wanted more than anything to see and feel the reality behind the mysteries and I did.

I literally created experiences or experienced creations, in my own mind or the mind of god.

Or in this world for me to live through, like the time I was on mushrooms, saw The Matrix.

I literally closed my eyes and said "I want to see the Matrix" the code from the Movie.

I wanted to see the black background and green numbers and letters going past.

When I opened my eyes there it was, exactly how I expected, remembered it.

So was I experiencing the power within me to create whatever external world I desire?

Was I asking the external world to show me what I wished it to, only for it to do so?

Are we able to create externally whatever world we wish, or does it take the shape we expect?

Are we taught that the world is one way, so we see what we have been taught to see only?

Are we trapped within a prison of sorts, only able to see what our limited senses let us?

Can we free our minds, free our perceptions, expectations, can we see the truth?

Have the veil lifted as it once threatened to do so another time on Solstice?

When I saw a crack in reality and the dark void from which all springs.

It could have opened up entirely but I was comfortable here, loving it.

Loving the familiarity, not wanting to ruin the surprise for others.

Let us all work it out at the same time, or not at all, together.

I've been obliterated into particles that rose towards a vortex in the sky, my navel the only thing holding me back from going to wherever it is I wished to go to, when we die?  When we wake up?

I don't know, are there different destinations?  That we can choose or learn about?

Maybe we can alter the direction of travel or is there a right and wrong turn?

Some say go to the light, some say avoid it that's a trap, returning us here.

Is returning here without any memory of wherever it is we come from a good thing?

Maybe this is the nirvana not the other way around, maybe we can be in heaven here.

All of these questions are breaking down, fiction and reality coming together as it goes.

You see the lines between fiction and non fiction blurring, reality t.v. is more false truly.

Films are made to make money but end up with a life of their own, they're loved creations.

Music is amazing, in bringing people together as we all learn to forget what we've been taught.

That we are tribal, that we need to be careful of  others, fearful of change or differences between us.

We've been ruled by wankers, drawn together under national banners by kings and queens overruled.

Made to see each other as someone to compete with, at sports, song contests, for resources, for land.

When underneath it all we are the same, have the same drives, and we're starting to see it, culturally.

Our differences can be celebrated, the freedom to make mistakes you see in Spain not here.

The litigious nature of the American way, coming here, that makes people scared to be.

Say the wrong thing, the thought police, political correctness, a nonsense, the lot of it.

We're breaking free, we need to decentralise, break down the barriers they set up.

It's happening, the middle class have been broken up the richest are struggling for air.

They live in a world that no-one else can breath in, behind fences, alarms, security.

No amount of money is enough, greedy for more, desperate to feel something.

I hope they are happy because I've been there in little ways and I wasn't.

I want a simple life, get my hands dirty, eat the good things, not sugar.

Quit the habits that are like the proverbial pandoras box of tricks.

Things we thought were good ideas at the time, lead by ltds.

Limited in their imagination of the world we could be.

Creating a world that very few will want to live in.

Look around you.  This place is all or nothing.

On a knife edge, so many disgruntled, poor.

So many looking at others, what do they do.  Can I make a change like them?  Can I follow?

Should I could I would I really be happier as they seem with less stuff, and more time?

Without the big house and the big debts, the stress, living more having less...

To go forward we need technology to slip into the background.

We need to have a healthy environment and you will see the ways in which people were nicer, better before, when the world was larger, and our desires were smaller, a holiday at home was just lovely.

We didn't need to fly somewhere, we didn't insist on sun, I blame businesses for most if not all.

Of our wilted and damaged humanity, striving for things we believe we want not need.

Repeating myself old themes, old dreams,  will  the world be righted by us all?

Can we create it from the inside out, can we heal ourselves and it too?

I saw today a start, another chance, the spark of it in the eyes...

March on you crazy diamonds, march on without me.

Into the future that we all deserve, whatever

that is I feel as though it'll be here

sooner rather than later

one way or the

other

x

Driven To Distraction

I've got a car again, back on the road again.

Driven to Distraction, unable to relax.

I had an experience once that told me that all of this, the t.v. the films all forms of media, possibly even this reality were merely a distraction and to someone who was very fond of things like sci-fi shows that I watched over the years it came as a big surprise and not a pleasant one at that.

I have loved the characters and the situations and the places and everything about them, really gotten into the episodic nature of television, from week to week, a happy ending at the end of each show.

Maybe a cliffhanger and you have to wait until the next time to know what went on, how they got out of it, how they survived and over the years I slowly weaned myself off this addiction, off this media.

I don't really know if my point of view is valid, whether what I believe makes any sense in the grand scheme of things, whether there is a grand scheme at all, a god, male or female, a deity, a divine love.

You see as I've gone on further and further down the rabbit hole, I've become more honest and more real, had to admit the ways in which many of the things I thought were wrong, were judgements, on others rather than seeing my own faults, projections onto others rather than seeing myself clearly.

Now I stand or am crouching at the bottom of a very long tunnel, daring to look up in the hope of seeing a glint of sunlight, finding the most out there information to have some value, seeing and sensing some truth to the craziest theories about what this place is, what our earth is, what we are.

Where we came from and I've got to keep going, to make my mistakes worthwhile otherwise what is the point?  I can't take others with me on this journey to whatever and at the same time this is real enough, this life, this world, the day to day monotony of a job, paying bills, paying debts, being alive.

Getting older, realising the ways in which I've held beliefs that have lead me to this day, to the state of wellbeing or not that I am living with, for instance for me there was a very real sense that what we see is only part of the truth, that we age because we believe we do, and if we didn't, if we could free our minds, that many of the things we take for granted wouldn't be the case anymore.  As if we are all telling each other and ourselves the same story that humans have told for generations because it's all we knew, as if we could only free ourselves from the dogma and daily rituals that we could come alive in a far more real sense, that we could finally start seeing more, being more, becoming something more than we are right now, finally breaking the magicians code, breaking out.

As though what we've been told is a prison for our very being, a system that means only those who dare to dream whilst awake can truly see the world for what it is and go beyond that.

Hmm it's hard to speak from the bottom of your heart, to translate what you feel is true so very deep within you, from how you feel upon waking from a dream that seems more real than waking life.

Rambling now, who knows if any of this makes sense to anyone else, even me, it's all sparked by a long drawn out adventure, that seems to have been going on forever, by a need to understand as though forced into a corner, having made mistakes I can't undo, having spotted ways in which my experiences tie in with things I've heard others speak of, for instance I know that there is more to life than living and dying, more to see, feel, touch, taste and smell, more than our senses can explore.

Experiences that few have that everyone ought to, ways in which many are bereft, cracks appearing.

Maybe a few have felt like me over the ages, perhaps many are broken like me, sense something that actually doesn't exist, such that they believe in a magic they can feel but not see, create wonderfully intricate explanations for things that have very prosaic reasons for being, why we must always love a mystery but not the standard, sensible reasons for things happening, why we insist on not believing the truth sometimes when a more enchanting possibility makes itself known, our imaginations creating whole worlds of alternatives far more unrealistic but that seem so much more right to our hearts, when the brain says it can't be so, when reason and realism strike and we are convinced by what we are told instead of going out there and looking for ourselves.

Rambling still, what was the point again?  I let myself go off at tangents, let my fingers do the talking, as I did at the start of the year, I asked myself questions, and I felt the answers coming and then popping into my head, for instance I asked what this place is?

To be told that it is a giant recycling center for energy, we come we live we die are reborn again.

Only to hear something similar very recently in a not very nice way, as though we are trapped.

As though this place is a prison, a grid surrounding it to keep us from returning to source.

The gods of old merely extraterrestrials, extra and intra dimensional entities, u.f.o.s

Unidentified Feared Oppressors, and this seemed to make sense, coming to us.

Making themselves out to be something more than they are to gain our trust.

To make us do their bidding, believe their version of our pasts and futures.

At one point during my most maddeningly ecstatic period I had the notion that we are powerful, that each of us if we only knew, believed in ourselves and the true divine nature of existence could be so much more.  I was of the belief that those of us going through what seems externally to be insanity were actually amongst the maddening outbursts, making a lot of sense, as though there were also pearls of wisdom amongst the massive amounts of nonsense, diamonds in the roughness of our speech, as though my belief that I had my foot in the door to the divine, keeping it slightly ajar might not be so incredibly far fetched, as though after all these years maybe there are some who are doing what they think they are, really connecting to something out there, beyond our limited understanding.

Like I said I would, I wanted to and asked to die before when I had so much pain, and then I wanted to live, to pay off my debts, and I said I would do whatever was asked of me, I said I would do whatever was required of me, and again recently I wished to be gone, but faced myself more truthfully than ever before, and wished to be dead, only to realise I must be here to pay my way, not to burden others with my mistakes and I know I don't deserve too much in the way of personal gain.

So it makes sense to me that I won't ever make my own happiness a priority, to be a monk like figure, to keep maintaining the truths I feel are right, in the background, behind the scenes while outwardly carrying on, going back to the old routines, work, bills, trying to get my health back, trying to understand the ways I've caused my own self destruction, holding out to see what happens.

There are lots of predictions happening, I've made my own, about the next few years.

They don't seem to come true and when they do in little ways, it's less than.

What occurs seems to never be quite as severe as though we're aided.

As though we are being watched over and things kept in check.

Let the scaremongers have their say but we'll go on.

We'll accept and work with what we've got.

We have to reach out to the divine.

Otherwise there's no free will.

No saviour coming but us.

Let our light and love,

shine across the

world

x

coming to mind

it keeps coming to my mind that this life is pretty extraordinary
do something amazing with it aswell as the basics obviously
and it's the quiet voice that keeps on whispering eternally
each of us is a spark of wonder, a glimpse of eternity
with every single solitary moment an opportunity
and all I can do is try to fly with this creativity
as things all come into being organically
don't have expectations individually
see us come together globally
be the change ultimately
that we wish to see
so intimately
xxxxx
love
jon
x

laugh and the world laughs with you

i was just watching robin williams make someone laugh and it struck me, when they laughed it gave him permission to laugh too, I know from personal experience how much more likely I am to do something for someone else's benefit rather than my own, it's a self esteem issue, it comes from a lack of self love, a feeling deep inside that says you're not good enough, wherever it comes from, no matter what anyone else says or thinks about you...  I guess some people struggle with this more than others, maybe it wasn't such an epiphany as it seemed to me then.

It felt as though it was at the time though, the feeling of connecting the dots, seeing the ways in which our behaviour comes from our beliefs, our habits, confidence...

living is easy

I was living and acting out the archetypes that I felt instinctively activated within me as if we are all shamans, all spiritual people with a core of natural magic inside...
At my best or worst depending on whether you believe in natural magic, the life force or not, for me it was so very real, I felt it, could sense it, demonstrate acts of healing, diagnosis and help others with their self healing processes quite naturally.  Could show someone their tantric energy field by placing our hands close to together.  My problem is feeling worthy or deserving of the unconditional love and healing that is available when we can truly test what we believe and thus, find proof of what is possible for us...  I opened my heart and my mind and my eyes and I loved every thing, every one, the good the bad and the indifferent, it was all a lesson to learn, every experience and I thought less, wasn't thoughtless and in those months, weeks days and moments I was really living... light and love love love xxxxx

One Lovely Crisis

just been going through an exercise I call remembering the people that I care about now that I'm just beginning to care about them again, I get so caught up in my own shit that often it's months before or until anyone else gets a look in and just been checking and getting teary eyed looking at Thomas's page and Jamie's page...
so in conclusion, as per usual I'm waiting to be 100% which will never be...
as with the past I always assumed a day would come when I was better
when I could think of myself as someone who could be relied upon...
im not sure that's ever been true of anyone though we're all just
rolling from one lovely crises to the next and the best times
are the days inbetween so it doesn't make sense to put
your life on hold until the day when everything is good
perfect even, im a lazy perfectionist i go for it but
in the end go blah meh that'll have to do ok
i wish i could be someone else but then
that would leave them being me and
that's not fair and my inspiration
is back with a vengeance as i
have honestly seen why it
is that i am so flawed
off to see the bore
tomorrow a rare
trip from home
into the world
that i came
to love to
be in
x

Positive Money

banks create money out of thin air on a computer
when they give you a loan the money is created
when you get a mortgage the money is made
basically money isn't paper anymore yeah?
it's numbers on a screen that you pay
interest on so get interested in how
it is made because it affects you
me and everybody on this
planet for every pound
dollar euro they
create out of
thin air
x

http://positivenews.org.uk/2014/economics_innovation/16199/allowed-create-money/

Democratise Money

Watch a short video explaining more and sign the petition at www.positivemoney.org

Positive Money is raising awareness and showing the alternatives 

Hodgeheg

walked out of the house cos I knew it was risen high in the sky,
over the road and stood on the wall so I can see the moon clearly
i start to go through the full moon lunascope suggestions Rebekah
reading and saying words, putting my faith into what was mentioned
hearing the sounds of late summer and early autumn, owls, foxes an
then i hear a rustling, something's walking my way along the wall edge
it's coming closer, so I stand there and wait as a small friend approaches
it's got a little grunting sound, cos it's a hedgehog who has come to say hi
so i finish what i was doing make my peace with my past that's the intention

a la mode

im having trouble suspending disbelief
in many ways it's no surprise or a relief
from the monotony i expect o' the future
of the ways I am reaping what i've sowed
onwards and upwards the only way i know
no harkin' to a past cos wishing isn't gettin'
i have to have faith see what the gods let in
will it be a light to shine brightly once more?
or just another in a long line of letdowns cos
i never was very positive or hopeful really jus'
made a brave face of it or acted how i should.

A Higher Love

You could call it an overeaction or just a different way of looking at the world but there was, is an alternative viewpoint of people that I held, yes internally my brainwashed thought processes from years of living in this so called civilised society kept the thoughts of judgement of others close to the surface but outwardly I would see the way that others would say what they were thinking, would express their judgements of others based on their physical appearance, or put people down for any number of reasons, not seeing the irony that when you judge others you are merely reflecting your own insecurities, that you are basically saying 'how ugly are they?' but literally expressing how ugly you feel...  So yes it made me feel as though we all need to grow up and stop making these snap comparisons, stop letting what we see in the media, the attitudes we are trained to support, that people are better or worse based on how they appear, not seeing beneath the surface of folks, letting beauty be in the eye of the beholden, not the beholder, who sees beauty everywhere instead.

I chose to focus on the special things about individuals, let them be transformed around whatever it was that made them unique, their eyes, their smile, their loving nature, their inner beauty and that made me a better person, it made the world a better place, full of unique and wonderful people.

That way of seeing and being I miss, I'm getting back to it in ways, learning to accept the lower levels of my being to regain whatever energy and power were trapped there, or ignored and unclaimed.

Learning to hopefully rise above all these ingrained behaviours once more, to regain my unconditional loving attitude, to stop sinking back into the mire we have been plonked in...

That's how I feel about the ways in which we have let ourselves be dragged down.

The ways in which we have let our moral standards fall, if you can't beat them join them.

Letting others' example show us that it's ok to be a petty thief cos everyone does it.

The ways that the poor manners on the street or in our cars driving carry over.

We are on the verge of a terrible collapse of any sort of social organisation.

Some people however won't stand for this, in groups we are more though.

Places I've been support the differences, don't focus on them, are more.

Spaces usually in nature we were together in an unconditional love.

Being not doing, loving not judging, it's the way forward really.

I wish to be back there if only I can let go of the past...

We'll see if I ever feel as though I deserve it.

That love, that feeling of belonging.

It has to come from my need.

To serve, to give, to love.

Not to get anything.

Only to send it out.

To start a loop.

That returns.

With love.

Jon

x

Moving Pictures

From the cave paintings at Lascaux or those near Santander in Spain to the Rock art in Australia and onto the modern use of moving pictures and a soundtrack that we call films and television, we have been captivated for thousands of years by visual storytelling, allowing us to feel a part of the tales we are told, I know for instance that for a while I was almost convinced that Todd Carty was h.i.v. positive even though that was his character in Eastenders, or I remember the feeling of coming out of the cinema after watching Dragon the story of Bruce Lee...  Let us remember how long the victors have been demonising their enemies and making themselves look good and the fact that using visual imagery can be a very persuasive tool to put forth a certain agenda, we allow ourselves to be forcefed a lot of propaganda when we sit down in front of the t.v. to watch the news or our very history as it is a story told by the winning side in any battle, for our very hearts and minds...  The world leaders suggest we are on the right side of the arguments they put forth for their way of seeing being and acting in the worlds trouble spots, they project onto us that we are in the right and others are in the wrong.  What if there is truth and lies on both sides though???  After all, two wrongs don't make a right...

Killing begets killing, there is just as destructive a male dominance culture in this part of the world as there is in so many others, where gansters masquerade as religious fanatics, business leaders, bankers, terrorists, and politicians...

Until we are able to think for ourselves and see the truth behind their lies we are all merely cannon fodder and collateral damage in the case of people in other places.

Would we put up with drone aircraft attacking and killing our citizens coming from some far off country thousands of miles away because they were our allies?

There is no sense in which if we are against our governments foreign policy that we are against our own country, or  with the foreign elements that collude with them, were created by them in the case of IS / ISIL / ISIS whatever you wish to call them

The terrorists whatever you want to call them, were the lesser of two evils at the time, armed and trained by the west to defeat the russians in afghanistan, saddam husseins weapons of mass destruction were sold to him by the west, iran's democratic leader was deposed by the west, the cia screw up every socialist country rather than see a communist threat on their doorstep it's all a big game, a control system designed to make us safe that only makes us less so right now.

What is the solution?  For one thing, to realise that empire building and resource wars are inevitable unless or until we take the money from the rich and share it around, unless or until we take the inequality in this world and make it right <3

As Above So Below

Below i've written a blog entry about the world as it is, above and beyond that?

I don't know is the truth at the moment, because I've come to doubt the magical things I saw, did and felt because they so often occurred when I was under the influence, so now completely straight and unfettered, but constrained by impediments like inhibitions and fear and doubt it's all up for grabs...

The things we talked about, the things I started to understand.

Is there a level above and beyond the stark reality in front of us?  A world within and without this one that we are all just trying to survive in, when we maybe ought to be thriving, working together, not competing against each other for scraps, for love.

At one extreme is the idea that this world is ending and even if you don't believe that, it's pretty obvious when you look around that change is inevitable, my hope, that there is a higher love, a spiritual love, something we can connect to that will save us, a leap of faith that is possible when we try, when we have some love for ourselves and take even the first step towards making a difference for others...

I would love to hear the perspectives of those who started out from nothing, from disbelieving religion and spirituality in the first place but for some reason gave it a go like I did...  If that's you, if you always felt as though there was a point to this...

Step up and tell me your truth...
Love
Jon
x

spirituality and the new age and the old world and the new world and all that stuff - is it good or bad?

So I write the stuff I just wrote and then I see this and get turned all around, thinking maybe the bad stuff in the world is to wake us up, give us a reason to fight the fear inside us, give us a reason to live

To turn things around for the future, it's hard to see the reality or at least what it looks like becoming

And then see and hear and try to think along the lines of the new age spirituality, it's a tough one

Someone I love said this:-   Hate is good... hate is a driving force towards changing things.

And then someone else I love says this:-

but its such a "low vibration" and hate can be a driving force but it is also very tiring let alone the tension it causes in our many bodies esp the mental and emotional bodies and how out of synch our bio rythyms can become very drained thus i agree it can be a key to that situation but there are still many others available if more than anything (real) fear is a good driving force because without fear how can we ever go beyond our boundaries of security and gain the insight and strength to overcome these with real fear seemingly impossible things can become possible or in other words danger conciousness can be a very powerful thing depending of our self mastery in handling this place of power but nurturing this fear with the tenderness off love so we stand strong in this place and can teach us to have courage to stand in our fear over coming our boundaries evolving through love is still a part of it therefore we remain heart centred even through the most challenging times ... and tbh why are you even wasting your time projecting negative energy to a field of conciousness that feeds of negative energy surely ur just adding to the crap that is already working under the scenes no point staying in and wasting time talking about all these but at the same time it is important to address these things and share but why not not spend every day of your life reading n reading n reading about these things to the point where your cauldron of hate is bubbling over causing to act from a place of fear really ina sense why not absorb something more beneficial for your conciousness so future experience can grow and blossem from the seeds you plant within now its a new age man im getting bored of this humanity is enslaved shit yes it may be enslaved but only if u believe you are enslaved we our each our own unique individual concious expression of creation when we are awake but also asleep u still have this uniqeness within and nothing can own that unless you let it or acknowledge this i say we are free and will always be free just depends and lots is going on behind the scenes in the house of light aswell much is in plan we are patient in our work but we are making progress even if its slowly we awaken others we are still taking one step at a time and getting one step closer to our goal have u been lookin in the sky really late at night theres been lots of cosmic stuff going on in the sky u ever seen two stars become connected by a massive white beam of light then the other star get sucked into another star its joined to by a massive white beam of light or the amount of ships flying around n asteroids flying past we have more help coming everyday more light workers being incarnated at this time than ever instead of teaching them old paradigm a new way of teaching younger generations is coming into play i met a 5 year old the other day who could making random crystal grids and tell u exactly how they function n what they do and what this grid he has made does absolutely incredible seeing the gifts our more important focus is on its upo to us to teach them so they can be the new paradigm anyways enough of this if i carry on il channel pages of words that u probably may not even bother to read love n light stay positive n stay blessed we are abundant children of creation when u can spiritualise your material selfs to high vibration and maintain this we can materialise our spiritual needs 

That was written by a friend, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't mind me posting it as it's the sort of truth he's always coming out with, that makes the spiritual perspective so difficult, it says transform yourself, internally, it almost suggests that the bad is for a reason, it almost suggests it's being worked on, that the future is bright when it's so hard to see a bright future for us all, when the mirkiness is so thick, and hard to see beyond, the growth of the population creates so many issues for us now...

And here I am struggling to maintain a sense of where and what I ought to be doing, feeling bad because I owe money to people, knowing I need to work hard, get a normal job, support my folks, do all the usual right things as seen by the majority, so I'm going to save up like stink and say no to chance to have fun and try to create a future for me where I can pick and choose my options...

Harsh but the reality is that the world we live in as it is seen by most is a physical plain, just a world with no real magic of any kind just illusory entertainment, just stories for the kids, fantasies.

The magical things that have happened to me, I wouldn't be without as long as they were real.

If they were my own imaginations, if the energy i was giving out, if the healing I was doing, if that all turned out to be my own creation internally with no valid external source or destination?

Then I would suffer the consequences of having believed my own fantastical rhetoric.

Darn it
Love
x

All I Really Know Is That They Don't Really Care About Us

There are solutions to the worlds problems available.  Every year we hear about new products, scientific breakthroughs that just never seem to materialise, for some reason they disappear.

Anyone would think that the funding for such things never arrived, that there was a system in place, a status quo that didn't like the idea of new ways to resolve these issues once and for all.

Shale Gas for instance, is a nightmare, it will make the oil and gas companies very rich, but it will not solve the energy crises longterm, it will create an industrial landscape in some of the wildest places in the natural world, and create jobs yes, for those already working in that industry.  Whether you believe that it will poison the ground water that we drink, or cause earthquakes is by the by, although that is almost certainly true also.  The reasons put forth are lies, they are excuses for maintaining the current way of working to solve the worlds problems.  They don't really care about us.

All the worlds leaders are really I would like to think men and women who would actually like to make a difference, whether they sought power for the sake of it I don't think so, whether they were groomed for their positions a long time ago, or got into politics for the right reasons, it doesn't matter.

The system is already there, it corrupts them and their hopes and dreams of a better world.

The true power brokers behind the scenes are the bankers, the business leaders, you only have to look at the way that governments, and local communities can be sued by corporations when things don't go their way.  Increasingly it is becoming the case that they are openly going for power over us.  They are seeking to grab the right in law, to get the power to earn their crust by destroying the earth's.

It's easy to see it going on when you aren't blinded by the need for day to day survival, when your whole world is making ends meet, paying the mortgage, the energy bills, the water bills, taxes.

Look at the fact that the gas companies are charging us three times what they pay for it, literally making £900 million this year already alone from people who can barely afford to live.

It's obvious when so many are, and it's not easy to do so, seeking charity, accessing food banks, even the so called rich, the few are fucking over the many in a greedy and blatant way these days.

The food system is another example, there are very few companies that own virtually all the brands.

So you might decide welll hey, nestle are saying that water isn't a human right so i'll boycott them.

Thing is the products they sell, and those of a hundred different other brands when you go high enough up the food chain, there are top predators sitting there picking everyone else off below.

In Food labs they are working to create products that hook the customers into eating more and more of products designed to give you just enough of the flavour and taste that you desire, but little or no nutrition, to get you hooked on the once you pop you can't stop nature of these so called foods.

Frankenfoods, g.m. crops, the world over farmers were being trapped by wheat that doesn't produce viable seed, so they couldn't do anything but buy their seed every year, thus trapping them in debt, keeping them as indentured servants to companies, and for what?  A product that grows better?

In fact yields are better when you work with nature, when you ignore the pest resistant crops, when you stop using fertilizers that actually help the soil to become less and less fertile each year, when you stop using pesticides that require the farmer to wear protective gear, only for us to eat the residue in the crop when it is harvested, apples and other fruit that look so good but carry a sticky sheen.

Profit margins, field margins...

Nature is destroyed daily.

For what?  To produce more food that we can waste?  Don't get me wrong as consumers we have fallen into their traps wholesale, we've become the people that make this possible by being susceptible to cheap products, that get cheaper and cheaper, meat that isn't from one animal, repackaged, processed to look like slices of ham but that has really been molded to look like it.

Rather than spending a quarter of our wages on food, we now spend around 12.5% and that's us.

That's our fault for not realising or not caring what we are putting in our trolleys.  But in some ways it's the stress of the modern world, that teaches us from a child to fit the roles set out for us, that stopped us from learning how to cook, how to make things, so that we could get high grades in subjects that support the job market, for slobs to sit behind desks supporting the business world.

Schools are outputting people who get passing grades in their exams who can't actually read or write, results and statistics in the health industry (that's Hospitals to you and I) no now it's an industry as with everything else, it's all about businesses, making money, cutting the wage bill, setting targets.

The bottom line, the lowest common demon, sorry denominators, working to make a better world?

No of course not, in the old days, if you had t.b. they gave you great food, fresh air and rest.

Now it's all about drugs, the pharmaceutical industry because of the profit and loss system means that solutions based on things you can't itemise, products that you can't get a Patent for like plant medicines, although even those are under threat as genetic modification can mean that certain strains of a plant can become the property of the company that 'created' them.

Don't get me started on free trade, ok here goes, well under the banner of free trade, our crap is shipped to countries in the developing world, well all over really, but basically that means that we can foist our rubbish on them and there's nothing they can do about it.  The result being that a country that previously made use of every bit of it's waste, recycled because out of necessity it had to do so, and the farmers there grew everything that country needed, becomes a place where cheap imports ruin the marketplaces in that country.  Our tat floods them until their own infrastructure groans and collapses under the outside pressure.  We've ruined everywhere else with our mode.

Now we've been patting ourselves on the back because of the fall of communism in Russia, the Soviet block collapsed, they introduced McDonalds and the rest is history, but in truth, all we've done is spread a failing ideology everywhere around the world, look at India, backward in many cultural ways that make what is a truly spiritual country look very wrong in so many ways to us, the rape culture, the caste system not unlike our own class system, but look at the ways we've ruined them.

Now they are becoming consumers, becoming just like us, desiring things they don't need, good little capitalists, after the big t.v. and all the other trimmings of what we see as a progressive society.

It's been said so I'm not coming out with it myself, just reiterating, but our system is no better than any of the other ones out there, the failed regimes and death of socialism, stop patting ourselves on the back now, realise we've got it wrong too, we're addicted to crap food, we're wrong too.

I don't want to get into god and the devil but let's just say, if you had to look at the world and guess, by the greed that is obviously the cornerstone of the way it is currently setup to work, by the ways in which other cultures are ridden over roughshod, where the beauty of a place like the Maldives, hides the islands covered in tourist rubbish that nobody sees, the toxic result of a natural disaster like the tsunami in 2011 that resulted in the Company that ran the Japanese Nuclear Power Plant seeking to lie right up until the present day rather than see the truth come out about how they mishandled the fallout, literal nuclear fallout, the actual results of that are still not being talked about now, when the Pacific Ocean as an ecosystem has been catastrophically damaged possibly beyond repair for the coming generations, it's no wonder most people have got their heads in the sand, watching the news.

The news doesn't talk about these issues, they go on about wars that we created, like our foreign policy in Iraq creating a government there that was so one sided, in it's treatment of one half of the population that it is obvious why we're seeing what we are seeing now, a civil war of epic proportions on the cards already happening, when the markets there have been exploding and people dying for years since the war was supposedly won.  We are reaping what we've sown and it's coming back to bite us on the arse...

I'm no angel, I'm waking up to these things, coming from a position of being completely swamped and colluding in many of these abuses, directly and indirectly so, being a good consumer, getting hooked on sugar, on refined products that are chemically stripped of their goodness to cater to palettes of people who are so far removed from the natural way of doing things that is:-

The best medicine tastes bad, in fact the real goodness in food often doesn't fit our tastes.

Vegetables to me, I eat them because I know they're good for me, but they are an acquired taste.

They are until or unless you find yourself changing the habits of a lifetime, we've been marketed to our whole lives right up until we've become nothing less than packaged products ourselves, we have become robotic slaves to an economic system that does not value us as individuals, they don't really care about us, all I really know is that...
Love
Jon
x

The Hero Of Time - Worlds Within Worlds - Playing Games

I loved playing games, i bought a gameboy, a snes, an N64, got given an Xbox 360 so gaming has been an important part of my life for as long as I can remember, certainly back to at least 1989...

I even made a cardboard Sinclair Spectrum +2 in the hopes of persuading my parents to get me one.

I was a proper little consumer, even though we couldn't afford all the bells and whistles and in truth I'm glad we couldn't it's given me at least some sense of the value of money, of saving to get things.

Of not buying into, pun intended, the economic fallacy, the consumerist philosophy, that keeps us purchasing things we don't need, made out of the bones of a dying world (paraphrasing Terence McKenna here, god I loved that man, although I only came to know of him and his work after he had already died).  Growth economic or not, is a lie, you can't continue to have growth in the markets, when there are finite resources, this world has been abused until we're now at an untenable position.

I've just watched a fan made film based on the game The Legend of Zelda:Ocarina of Time

I played that game when it came out, in fact I believe I even went to the lengths of buying an American console on import just so that I didn't have to wait for it to come out in europe.

I've been a happy and good consumer in the past, I know the extent to which I desired things.

---

I was thinking about the 'give us this day our daily bread' line from the lords prayer

It featured in the stonework of what I believe to have been a church, used in the filming of the fan film mentioned above, and it got me thinking about my love for dreaming back to our roots.

When times were harder, yes, and every day was a challenge, to find enough food, to source it from nature, to literally search for the grains to make our daily bread and the way tribal people give thanks for each kill, for the animals for giving their lives so that we may live, the knowledge that it is necessary to sow the seeds of plants they use to ensure the resource will be there in the future.

Then I think about how I greedily munch through the food put in front of me without thinking, where it came from, how it was raised, how it was procured, packaged, transported, sold...

It's a shame and something I plan to change about the way I live somehow, not sure how yet.

We're so addicted to sugar, added or used in products, I know I am, I've got a terrible sweet tooth.

The infirmity I've been living with lately too, unable to move much without terrible pain, the fact that I've been relying even more so on others, the level of ingratitude and rudeness I was showing towards those who deserve my utmost respect and have had to put up with a self righteous idiot.

---

Over the last three years I was playing games with my life and those around me with no regard, to be fair I was being carried along, carried away by my mental state, by the experiences I've been through.

 By the ways in which I had taken what I held inside from a young age, by the two polarities within me, the nervous scared shy child who would barely say a word to strangers, and the brash, rash and over confident person when known to someone, who thought they were right somehow, had this inner knowing that felt right and seemed to make me feel as though I knew things others didn't.

It's very hard for me to reconcile the two, maybe they were aspects I had mostly denied from a young age so that they only showed through when I became more confident in my surroundings, or maybe there's a split within me, some kind of schism, I don't know to this day.

I know there was a tendency for me to be overimaginative, and to flights of fancy, to percieve my role in the world as something it wasn't to feel a sense of confidence when alone that wasn't there in company, I liked my own company, doing my own thing, taking trips out and about, not worrying what was supposed to be said or done when around others, social conventions, the falsehood or societal norms, so much of which is to keep the peace for good reason but seems so fake.

It's all coming out, I've been to extremes, of behaviour, of deeds and words in some cases, but mostly I was able to keep what I truly thought to myself, so I hope I haven't hurt too many people by being too brutally honest, and kept to myself what I really was thinking at the time.

---

For me there is a brutal truth to life that I both wish to face as an adult but also to avoid because I know in some ways I'm not cut out for it, have failed to recognise the requirements that I have failed to live up to, expectations I might have had that were ruined by my own fear of failure, and now I feel as though I have 'made my bed and have to lay in it' as though i've ruined my future, with the past.

I would like another go, round the merry go round, another trip down the rabbit hole, I still harbour the feeling that as a world, a species especially, we have all fallen from grace, fallen into the underworld, into hell, the lower realm of the three partate world of the shamanistic existence.

Into the teaching place where lessons must be learned, and after all isn't hell just a place where people can have whatever they want for themselves, and only after a while do they realise that it is hell.

TO be selfish, to live a lie, to have everything you could ever wish for but not love.

There is love here, so I must accept that this isn't hell at all, or if it is maybe just mine.

That is to come perhaps after the waking dream I had a few months ago, in some ways,

I'm taking that with a pinch of salt, until I die I won't really know the outcome of all this.

I also spoke with the gods, hera and zeus as they were to me introduced, I accepted a role.

I was offered ultimate power, and baulked at it, I would fail, I would misuse it, abuse it too.

So I declined, but I was told, earn it then...

Perhaps that is the final goal of life,

to earn our way to heaven...

By loving ourselves

and others

x