I loved playing games, i bought a gameboy, a snes, an N64, got given an Xbox 360 so gaming has been an important part of my life for as long as I can remember, certainly back to at least 1989...
I even made a cardboard Sinclair Spectrum +2 in the hopes of persuading my parents to get me one.
I was a proper little consumer, even though we couldn't afford all the bells and whistles and in truth I'm glad we couldn't it's given me at least some sense of the value of money, of saving to get things.
Of not buying into, pun intended, the economic fallacy, the consumerist philosophy, that keeps us purchasing things we don't need, made out of the bones of a dying world (paraphrasing Terence McKenna here, god I loved that man, although I only came to know of him and his work after he had already died). Growth economic or not, is a lie, you can't continue to have growth in the markets, when there are finite resources, this world has been abused until we're now at an untenable position.
I've just watched a fan made film based on the game The Legend of Zelda:Ocarina of Time
I played that game when it came out, in fact I believe I even went to the lengths of buying an American console on import just so that I didn't have to wait for it to come out in europe.
I've been a happy and good consumer in the past, I know the extent to which I desired things.
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I was thinking about the 'give us this day our daily bread' line from the lords prayer
It featured in the stonework of what I believe to have been a church, used in the filming of the fan film mentioned above, and it got me thinking about my love for dreaming back to our roots.
When times were harder, yes, and every day was a challenge, to find enough food, to source it from nature, to literally search for the grains to make our daily bread and the way tribal people give thanks for each kill, for the animals for giving their lives so that we may live, the knowledge that it is necessary to sow the seeds of plants they use to ensure the resource will be there in the future.
Then I think about how I greedily munch through the food put in front of me without thinking, where it came from, how it was raised, how it was procured, packaged, transported, sold...
It's a shame and something I plan to change about the way I live somehow, not sure how yet.
We're so addicted to sugar, added or used in products, I know I am, I've got a terrible sweet tooth.
The infirmity I've been living with lately too, unable to move much without terrible pain, the fact that I've been relying even more so on others, the level of ingratitude and rudeness I was showing towards those who deserve my utmost respect and have had to put up with a self righteous idiot.
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Over the last three years I was playing games with my life and those around me with no regard, to be fair I was being carried along, carried away by my mental state, by the experiences I've been through.
By the ways in which I had taken what I held inside from a young age, by the two polarities within me, the nervous scared shy child who would barely say a word to strangers, and the brash, rash and over confident person when known to someone, who thought they were right somehow, had this inner knowing that felt right and seemed to make me feel as though I knew things others didn't.
It's very hard for me to reconcile the two, maybe they were aspects I had mostly denied from a young age so that they only showed through when I became more confident in my surroundings, or maybe there's a split within me, some kind of schism, I don't know to this day.
I know there was a tendency for me to be overimaginative, and to flights of fancy, to percieve my role in the world as something it wasn't to feel a sense of confidence when alone that wasn't there in company, I liked my own company, doing my own thing, taking trips out and about, not worrying what was supposed to be said or done when around others, social conventions, the falsehood or societal norms, so much of which is to keep the peace for good reason but seems so fake.
It's all coming out, I've been to extremes, of behaviour, of deeds and words in some cases, but mostly I was able to keep what I truly thought to myself, so I hope I haven't hurt too many people by being too brutally honest, and kept to myself what I really was thinking at the time.
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For me there is a brutal truth to life that I both wish to face as an adult but also to avoid because I know in some ways I'm not cut out for it, have failed to recognise the requirements that I have failed to live up to, expectations I might have had that were ruined by my own fear of failure, and now I feel as though I have 'made my bed and have to lay in it' as though i've ruined my future, with the past.
I would like another go, round the merry go round, another trip down the rabbit hole, I still harbour the feeling that as a world, a species especially, we have all fallen from grace, fallen into the underworld, into hell, the lower realm of the three partate world of the shamanistic existence.
Into the teaching place where lessons must be learned, and after all isn't hell just a place where people can have whatever they want for themselves, and only after a while do they realise that it is hell.
TO be selfish, to live a lie, to have everything you could ever wish for but not love.
There is love here, so I must accept that this isn't hell at all, or if it is maybe just mine.
That is to come perhaps after the waking dream I had a few months ago, in some ways,
I'm taking that with a pinch of salt, until I die I won't really know the outcome of all this.
I also spoke with the gods, hera and zeus as they were to me introduced, I accepted a role.
I was offered ultimate power, and baulked at it, I would fail, I would misuse it, abuse it too.
So I declined, but I was told, earn it then...
Perhaps that is the final goal of life,
to earn our way to heaven...
By loving ourselves
and others
x
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