Mother forgive me and them for they know not what they do, or at least they know but they don't think about it, aren't conscious of it and as for me I didn't stand up for what I believed in back then.
I didn't stand my ground or insist on making a point when it came to friends and hangers on littering, dropping their drinks cans and bottles around the place and in truth I too made a mess of you then.
Now I find my attention and intention wholly in the moment, and holy to boot, a godfearing, feeling man, well maybe a manchild, a child of goodness knows what but trying to be something more.
---
Into Future Flux
Sending into the coordinates 11/12/72 Sodding Chipbury Earth in the time vortex lateral to this one
Boy embryo six weeks early from inception to birth likely to exceed initial life expectations
May have some kind of lingering feeling around this event as if a walk in or old soul
Drawn to bad behaviour, likely to fear rejection like death, no self esteem
Will make such mistakes that will feel unlikely to ever forget it
Self fulfilling prophesy, putting life into contexts
World soul aspect intact, vestigial masseur
Will need support to provide skills
May never recover in this life
Truth Love Respect
High on Agenda
Light & Love
Goodness
Knows
How
x
Sunday 27 July 2014
Wednesday 23 July 2014
Divergent - Bifurcating Forked Tale
I guess technology was inevitable, like stone tools and up to today's mess. Basically nature used to give us everything and we gave back, we lived in harmony because that was the only way to live.
If you didn't respect the environment you lived in, made sure to ensure that resources would come back again, by only taking what you needed, by spreading the seeds of the grasses you weaved.
At some point our story diverged as people began to change from the natural selection process occurring to us, shaping the way we were transformed and mostly we're the same as we ever were, no discernible differences from the people that were around 40,000 plus years ago to now, today.
Except and here's the rub, the nub, we've bred a people who eyes don't work, who survived cancer longer than they should, it's a hard thing to accept but nature took its toll, we've got crutches, we can live and pass on our genes when in the past many would have fallen by the wayside of the path.
A long and winding road that took whatever we were before, forgetting the story we're told because I wonder how much truth there is to what we think we know of the past, our genetic history, our journey from single celled things to complex creatures, or our creation as a clever being.
Whether a god made us in its image or we evolved from apes there was a reason for it, a chance for us to make something of ourselves, a way for some of us to go from one thing to another.
That's still happening and despite the fact that we can use technology to survive when in the past we would have perished, we've got houses to protect us from the elements, tamed the wilds so much that we don't have to fear predators except each other for the most part and something has been lost.
I would like to see the wolves come back to this country to keep us on our toes, I believe that nature is a story, a learning curve, shaping and making us into something better if we let it, align ourselves to it, that we've stepped off the beaten track to live comfortably and that some will evolve.
Some will turn into whatever it was that we were meant to, that is my hope, that there is a good reason for this life, for the pain and heartache and hardships that the aboriginal peoples face.
They live their hard lives but are so much happier than we are, naturally so, they feel it.
They are a part of something greater, it shapes them, protects them, affects them so.
They feel it. I don't know if I ever did but I am starting to reject the life I had.
Starting to feel as though it would be better to leave the passport behind.
Jump ship but stay onboard this truly wonderful galactic vessel.
Leave the human race and rejoin the fellowship of nature.
Go live in the wilds, get healthy, eat roots, shit, piss.
No longer an addict to sugar, find real sweetness.
Occasionally eat meat and treasure that fact.
Once in a while harvest some honey.
See nature destroy this sick society.
Harsh I know I don't want people to die off in their millions, billions, if we could stick to one child per couple in 40 years there would be 50% of the population as it stands today but we don't, the governments can't tell us what to do even if it's the right thing for us all, it's out of control.
I hope that some people survive and thrive and that the wastes of space, the sick and twisted who don't pass anything but their vile style on perish, those who use force and power to take advantage of the weak, who can't be trusted, those who don't deserve it, who wouldn't be shown compassion in a sane world, many would be put to death, to prevent such things persisting and I don't believe in killing but it would be nice for a fairer world to arise out of the ashes of this deranged one.
Wouldn't you say it was wrong to keep polluting the world when the oceans are full of plastic?
When life is disappearing at such a rate in terms of species that we don't notice until it's us?
Because that's the way it's going if you're honest and stop to spot it's going on right now.
Pretty soon despite genetic manipulation of the crops, the food chain is collapsing.
There's too many of us and the world is already too sick to support the healthy.
The wealthy, don't get me started, so many are part of the problem.
Not the solution, I hope those that are get a chance to live.
That there is a happy ending a silver lining to this.
Lucky me I get to be one of those sad enough.
Maybe even mad enough to think this.
Feel this and hurt like this daily.
To see the destruction.
In every step.
Waste.
x
If you didn't respect the environment you lived in, made sure to ensure that resources would come back again, by only taking what you needed, by spreading the seeds of the grasses you weaved.
At some point our story diverged as people began to change from the natural selection process occurring to us, shaping the way we were transformed and mostly we're the same as we ever were, no discernible differences from the people that were around 40,000 plus years ago to now, today.
Except and here's the rub, the nub, we've bred a people who eyes don't work, who survived cancer longer than they should, it's a hard thing to accept but nature took its toll, we've got crutches, we can live and pass on our genes when in the past many would have fallen by the wayside of the path.
A long and winding road that took whatever we were before, forgetting the story we're told because I wonder how much truth there is to what we think we know of the past, our genetic history, our journey from single celled things to complex creatures, or our creation as a clever being.
Whether a god made us in its image or we evolved from apes there was a reason for it, a chance for us to make something of ourselves, a way for some of us to go from one thing to another.
That's still happening and despite the fact that we can use technology to survive when in the past we would have perished, we've got houses to protect us from the elements, tamed the wilds so much that we don't have to fear predators except each other for the most part and something has been lost.
I would like to see the wolves come back to this country to keep us on our toes, I believe that nature is a story, a learning curve, shaping and making us into something better if we let it, align ourselves to it, that we've stepped off the beaten track to live comfortably and that some will evolve.
Some will turn into whatever it was that we were meant to, that is my hope, that there is a good reason for this life, for the pain and heartache and hardships that the aboriginal peoples face.
They live their hard lives but are so much happier than we are, naturally so, they feel it.
They are a part of something greater, it shapes them, protects them, affects them so.
They feel it. I don't know if I ever did but I am starting to reject the life I had.
Starting to feel as though it would be better to leave the passport behind.
Jump ship but stay onboard this truly wonderful galactic vessel.
Leave the human race and rejoin the fellowship of nature.
Go live in the wilds, get healthy, eat roots, shit, piss.
No longer an addict to sugar, find real sweetness.
Occasionally eat meat and treasure that fact.
Once in a while harvest some honey.
See nature destroy this sick society.
Harsh I know I don't want people to die off in their millions, billions, if we could stick to one child per couple in 40 years there would be 50% of the population as it stands today but we don't, the governments can't tell us what to do even if it's the right thing for us all, it's out of control.
I hope that some people survive and thrive and that the wastes of space, the sick and twisted who don't pass anything but their vile style on perish, those who use force and power to take advantage of the weak, who can't be trusted, those who don't deserve it, who wouldn't be shown compassion in a sane world, many would be put to death, to prevent such things persisting and I don't believe in killing but it would be nice for a fairer world to arise out of the ashes of this deranged one.
Wouldn't you say it was wrong to keep polluting the world when the oceans are full of plastic?
When life is disappearing at such a rate in terms of species that we don't notice until it's us?
Because that's the way it's going if you're honest and stop to spot it's going on right now.
Pretty soon despite genetic manipulation of the crops, the food chain is collapsing.
There's too many of us and the world is already too sick to support the healthy.
The wealthy, don't get me started, so many are part of the problem.
Not the solution, I hope those that are get a chance to live.
That there is a happy ending a silver lining to this.
Lucky me I get to be one of those sad enough.
Maybe even mad enough to think this.
Feel this and hurt like this daily.
To see the destruction.
In every step.
Waste.
x
Silver Linings Playbook
I was with someone, it was a dream, it felt so good.
I thought it was a person I met in this life but not.
Not the one I thought it was, just very similar.
I write it as it comes out and it usually fits.
Or I have to change it a little to make it.
Not sure if I deserve to be with one.
Not in this life I thought I did.
I'd be happy not to now.
Because I fucked up.
I can't forget it.
Forgive me.
Love.
x
I thought it was a person I met in this life but not.
Not the one I thought it was, just very similar.
I write it as it comes out and it usually fits.
Or I have to change it a little to make it.
Not sure if I deserve to be with one.
Not in this life I thought I did.
I'd be happy not to now.
Because I fucked up.
I can't forget it.
Forgive me.
Love.
x
Tuesday 22 July 2014
Have a little Faith in yourself
when i was walking 500 miles across spain the other year ;) x
someone said if you're ever in pain what you do is slow down
if it still hurts slow down some more if it still hurts then stop
so, what i can recommend, is something along those lines
if you're in pain, slow down, breathe, do the simple things
eat well, make sure what goes into your body is good
i know, i've got a sweet tooth but junk ain't the best
sleep well, don't stay up, watching some rubbish
if you can't sleep don't stress about it just rest
get exercise every day even if it's just a walk
if you're doing that and you're still in pain
then slow down some more, just be
because i know i've been there
i am there in many ways.
It ain't easy to have
faith in yourself
but that's a
start
x
someone said if you're ever in pain what you do is slow down
if it still hurts slow down some more if it still hurts then stop
so, what i can recommend, is something along those lines
if you're in pain, slow down, breathe, do the simple things
eat well, make sure what goes into your body is good
i know, i've got a sweet tooth but junk ain't the best
sleep well, don't stay up, watching some rubbish
if you can't sleep don't stress about it just rest
get exercise every day even if it's just a walk
if you're doing that and you're still in pain
then slow down some more, just be
because i know i've been there
i am there in many ways.
It ain't easy to have
faith in yourself
but that's a
start
x
Monday 21 July 2014
I think I heard it said or saw it written somewhere that if you are going through hell... Keep going, sooner or later you'll come out the other side and it's true I think
the most difficult aspect of a spiritual life for me was accepting that i should love myself, that there was scope and a necessity to accept a force for good, that i deserved to be loved, that i could be forgiven for past misdeeds, that there is a point to all of this life stuff, that there is a great something, a great other, a mysterious truth, an explanation for the world, truth and life to the things that people write about. So as I went along I had to fight my own internal dogmatic beliefs, those embedded within me by the media, by the world around us, my fears, my doubts.
They are like monsters, they rise up and attack, they make me feel like giving up, they take away my power, leave me feeling like nothing, like doing nothing again.
So I'm starting over without some crutches I leant on in the past, having been to the edge of reason, to the outer limits of what I thought I could survive in terms of pain.
I think I heard it said or saw it written somewhere that if you are going through hell...
Keep going, sooner or later you'll come out the other side and it's true I think
At least I hope it is, either way these days are brighter again, I feel
Something, I feel as though it's worth moving forward again
And even though at times it's only for others sakes
At least that takes my mind off my mind ;)
Finally I can put myself out there
Look for ways to help
Ways to be
To love
again
x
They are like monsters, they rise up and attack, they make me feel like giving up, they take away my power, leave me feeling like nothing, like doing nothing again.
So I'm starting over without some crutches I leant on in the past, having been to the edge of reason, to the outer limits of what I thought I could survive in terms of pain.
I think I heard it said or saw it written somewhere that if you are going through hell...
Keep going, sooner or later you'll come out the other side and it's true I think
At least I hope it is, either way these days are brighter again, I feel
Something, I feel as though it's worth moving forward again
And even though at times it's only for others sakes
At least that takes my mind off my mind ;)
Finally I can put myself out there
Look for ways to help
Ways to be
To love
again
x
with or without you
with or without you
the world will change
for the better because that
is all that can be said in truth
the world is changing now fast
maybe too fast and certainly out
of the control of any organisation
it will organically change onwards
no figure or government in charge
decentralisation democratisation
freedom spreading people want
peace so they strive to provide
a new way, life like a rivers
water, goes the easiest
route from a to b
flowing lively
life flows
& love
does
too
x
the world will change
for the better because that
is all that can be said in truth
the world is changing now fast
maybe too fast and certainly out
of the control of any organisation
it will organically change onwards
no figure or government in charge
decentralisation democratisation
freedom spreading people want
peace so they strive to provide
a new way, life like a rivers
water, goes the easiest
route from a to b
flowing lively
life flows
& love
does
too
x
something inside so strong - For Jamie
something inside so strong
a very real sense of the surreal
life itself feels surreal, in that the last few years seem like a happy dream interspersed with awful thoughts and scary imagery and feelings of such sweet happiness as though life was coming together.
i can go on a journey sat in front of my computer, and visit places i've never been to and revisit those that I have, searching for the location of the college I learnt my first trade at in swindon after finding out the other day that the factory and office building where I got my first job have been turned into a close quarter battle location for air guns, bb's fired as people roam the gutted factory building, the offices over the road where I plied my trade as a computer repairer now the location of a business called nexus. Who knows what that stands for, it's just another trendy sounding name I guess.
Finding out that the company I used to work for, Plessey, that later became G.E.C. Plessey after a hostile takeover in fact has a place in history as an employer that gave Swindon an identity above and beyond being mainly for the staff of the G.W.R. The Great Western Railway.
And it's things like these that concretise, that seem to set our place, space in history and time
They seem to suggest that as much as I would like to see history as a lie told by the winners
As much as I would like to see this facade over existence fall away for everyone to see
As much as I would like the charade, the game, the illusion that is this life to fall
As much as all this is true, nonetheless, people are born, do things and die
This is happening, someone, a friend, an aquaintance died yesterday
Or at least I found out about it and it brought tears to my eyes
My thoughts make me feel like a disgusting pig, these days
So judgemental, on the basis of physical appearance
I'd come so far in the last few years or at least I thought I had, taken on a different perspective or at least I thought I had and maybe I was kidding myself, because I can see how that was false and true
I can see how much it was something I carried with me, felt was a process I was undergoing
A spiritual transformation, the creation of a new me, from the chrysalis of the old one
Dying whilst alive, to be reborn as something new, and strangely loving it all
Loving the things I've gotten up to, the people I met, the life leading I
The life I was leading and I can only comment and prize, praising
The ways in which I was opening up to the world and people
Despite my failings I was in places and spaces open to me
Loving the new found freedoms I had discovered
Facing fears so readily and so frequently that,
they seemed to disappear to be done with
But that is just the way it goes, you have to face them every day or they come back again
Nothing lasts forever, not courage not anything, it's all transitory, has to be learned again
I find it hard to believe anything anymore and this life seems so surreal so dreamlike so
hard to take hard to live with facing the humdrum again the struggle, pain of life again
I thought long and hard about whether this would all make sense without an after life
without an after party, a chance for everyone to be forgiven their sins, yes, praised
blessed for the good things they did as no-one is all good or all bad not really so
and getting together again once we're all dead, outside of time and breathing
just seems to make so much sense of what is a pretty fantastic thing alone
just living is a wonderful victory over the darkness, emptiness of space
to be able to breath, speak, listen, hear, talk, walk, celebrate it please
because a friend of mine no longer can, not here with us anymore
he's gone somewhere, and the mysteries are over one way or
tother, either it's all over forever or he's somewhere else
something else, energy perhaps, light, love, forever
that is why i plan for the best and save my hope
for the worst times when you need it most
For Jamie
love
x
a very real sense of the surreal
life itself feels surreal, in that the last few years seem like a happy dream interspersed with awful thoughts and scary imagery and feelings of such sweet happiness as though life was coming together.
i can go on a journey sat in front of my computer, and visit places i've never been to and revisit those that I have, searching for the location of the college I learnt my first trade at in swindon after finding out the other day that the factory and office building where I got my first job have been turned into a close quarter battle location for air guns, bb's fired as people roam the gutted factory building, the offices over the road where I plied my trade as a computer repairer now the location of a business called nexus. Who knows what that stands for, it's just another trendy sounding name I guess.
Finding out that the company I used to work for, Plessey, that later became G.E.C. Plessey after a hostile takeover in fact has a place in history as an employer that gave Swindon an identity above and beyond being mainly for the staff of the G.W.R. The Great Western Railway.
And it's things like these that concretise, that seem to set our place, space in history and time
They seem to suggest that as much as I would like to see history as a lie told by the winners
As much as I would like to see this facade over existence fall away for everyone to see
As much as I would like the charade, the game, the illusion that is this life to fall
As much as all this is true, nonetheless, people are born, do things and die
This is happening, someone, a friend, an aquaintance died yesterday
Or at least I found out about it and it brought tears to my eyes
My thoughts make me feel like a disgusting pig, these days
So judgemental, on the basis of physical appearance
I'd come so far in the last few years or at least I thought I had, taken on a different perspective or at least I thought I had and maybe I was kidding myself, because I can see how that was false and true
I can see how much it was something I carried with me, felt was a process I was undergoing
A spiritual transformation, the creation of a new me, from the chrysalis of the old one
Dying whilst alive, to be reborn as something new, and strangely loving it all
Loving the things I've gotten up to, the people I met, the life leading I
The life I was leading and I can only comment and prize, praising
The ways in which I was opening up to the world and people
Despite my failings I was in places and spaces open to me
Loving the new found freedoms I had discovered
Facing fears so readily and so frequently that,
they seemed to disappear to be done with
But that is just the way it goes, you have to face them every day or they come back again
Nothing lasts forever, not courage not anything, it's all transitory, has to be learned again
I find it hard to believe anything anymore and this life seems so surreal so dreamlike so
hard to take hard to live with facing the humdrum again the struggle, pain of life again
I thought long and hard about whether this would all make sense without an after life
without an after party, a chance for everyone to be forgiven their sins, yes, praised
blessed for the good things they did as no-one is all good or all bad not really so
and getting together again once we're all dead, outside of time and breathing
just seems to make so much sense of what is a pretty fantastic thing alone
just living is a wonderful victory over the darkness, emptiness of space
to be able to breath, speak, listen, hear, talk, walk, celebrate it please
because a friend of mine no longer can, not here with us anymore
he's gone somewhere, and the mysteries are over one way or
tother, either it's all over forever or he's somewhere else
something else, energy perhaps, light, love, forever
that is why i plan for the best and save my hope
for the worst times when you need it most
For Jamie
love
x
Saturday 19 July 2014
i tawt i taw a pooty tat
i did i did
i did see something
i saw the face of a friend change from how she looks today and looked then at the time
into a face nonetheless similar only attaining the features of other lives to my mind so
her countenance seemed to be of someone moroccan, so beautiful, or even more so
this friends face seemed to be an amalgam of her other lives and this one right so
so right, right before my eyes, and I told her so and even now when we've met
as we have done so twice since coincidentally running into each one another
she doesn't run screaming from me, at the time she said she had never met
someone who had ever spoken of such things, the truth and beauty spoke
i saw another friends, not every face at that time mind you just the two
this guy is older, wiser, by far than me, far more loved by so many
some speak of his ways and maybe they're right to question his
morals, his methods, but in his heart I hope he is honest to all
this guys face too changed right before mine eyes, so wise
the countenance of a learned man, a true gentle soul, one
in whom and I said so, appeared to engender trust and
one who seemed to be a kingly sort maybe even holy
since then there have been other experiences tested
testing me to my very core, I hope were worth it
i hope in some way they energetically provided
some kind of change in the world, an honesty
a light shone, something real coming into
being once more, an ancient moral code
an ancient love, unconditionally spoke
and felt and sent all around that's how
it seemed to me at the time it occured
and now i could doubt it all again so
many things i doubted was skeptical
of, i read about so many mysteries
of this world without proof of my
own until i started to feel and see
evidence, 'til I started to believe
started to look out for them all
went out into the world and
yes took things seriously
took things into my own
hands into my system
drugs to loosen my
tongue and heart
loose arrows so
that i could try
to snare the
truth of
life
x
i did see something
i saw the face of a friend change from how she looks today and looked then at the time
into a face nonetheless similar only attaining the features of other lives to my mind so
her countenance seemed to be of someone moroccan, so beautiful, or even more so
this friends face seemed to be an amalgam of her other lives and this one right so
so right, right before my eyes, and I told her so and even now when we've met
as we have done so twice since coincidentally running into each one another
she doesn't run screaming from me, at the time she said she had never met
someone who had ever spoken of such things, the truth and beauty spoke
i saw another friends, not every face at that time mind you just the two
this guy is older, wiser, by far than me, far more loved by so many
some speak of his ways and maybe they're right to question his
morals, his methods, but in his heart I hope he is honest to all
this guys face too changed right before mine eyes, so wise
the countenance of a learned man, a true gentle soul, one
in whom and I said so, appeared to engender trust and
one who seemed to be a kingly sort maybe even holy
since then there have been other experiences tested
testing me to my very core, I hope were worth it
i hope in some way they energetically provided
some kind of change in the world, an honesty
a light shone, something real coming into
being once more, an ancient moral code
an ancient love, unconditionally spoke
and felt and sent all around that's how
it seemed to me at the time it occured
and now i could doubt it all again so
many things i doubted was skeptical
of, i read about so many mysteries
of this world without proof of my
own until i started to feel and see
evidence, 'til I started to believe
started to look out for them all
went out into the world and
yes took things seriously
took things into my own
hands into my system
drugs to loosen my
tongue and heart
loose arrows so
that i could try
to snare the
truth of
life
x
At Knight
At night my spirits free so am i and so are we
to roam without guilt without fear & so we are
here, in this place in the day time not the nights
when i can be whoever it was we were meant to
be, free to be me, free to not suffer the past the
future just in the moment where all things are
still, where I can feel able to express & love
in ways not open to me in the here & now
in the daytime, in the mortal, corporeal,
so called real time not the dreaming
not the nighttimes with a leaning
towards the fantastic & lovely
and yes sometimes scary
but nonetheless airy
fairy out of time
out of space
no races
only 1
love
x
to roam without guilt without fear & so we are
here, in this place in the day time not the nights
when i can be whoever it was we were meant to
be, free to be me, free to not suffer the past the
future just in the moment where all things are
still, where I can feel able to express & love
in ways not open to me in the here & now
in the daytime, in the mortal, corporeal,
so called real time not the dreaming
not the nighttimes with a leaning
towards the fantastic & lovely
and yes sometimes scary
but nonetheless airy
fairy out of time
out of space
no races
only 1
love
x
Thursday 17 July 2014
i'll follow you down
i've just watched a film about time travel and setting things right in the past, rewriting the future
truth is i've also been wrangling with the idea of god and an afterlife and punishment and reward
over the last months & years i've had experiences that could be said to have only been in my head
i'm not thinking too hard about what i'm going to write, just letting it flow out in the hope it's truer
that in that way i can express whatever is inside without having to know it, or rationalise it, think it
this way maybe i can understand, i know i feel that there have been things wrong, i don't like them
i don't like the person that has been revealed but then maybe that's a chance to change for the better
maybe this is a chance to choose who to be, at the same time however it makes me wonder was I?
was I just this person all along but lied to myself and made myself think i was something more?
i know the extremes that I have been to, the lengths, the ends of the earth, the thoughts i thunked.
capable of great good and great bad, we are capable of so much, if I could find the dividing line
if i could actually KNOW what was just my own imagination, own creation, maybe i never will
maybe that's the point of all this, to try, to see how far we can go, how much we can achieve now
who knows I would like to think that as we all have free will, that the sum of it all, the good, the
bad and the ugly truth, all added up to a hill o' beans, leaving the sum of its parts, greater than the
sum of our parts, like cells within a giant organism, imaginal cells, being the ones that can dream
the ones that dream of a better world if not for themselves then for those that will come after us
i guess i've blown it really, not given myself much of a chance, don't see how I can make amends
all i can do is carry on, try to provide some kind of recompense, try not to make things worse
this world seems so real now, history, the process of life, from our forbears, relatives, dead ones
through our lifetimes, to the ones to come, to those who will have to struggle, fight, work together
to try to create a world worth living in for the next lot, clean up the environment, make all new
packaging environmentally friendly, biodegradable, change everything we do to be sustainable
because if they don't we're done, maybe someone, some people have plans but I think they will
fail ultimately, i maybe was swayed too easily by what I read that others said, maybe so indeed
i have to believe that the future is bright, that we are evolving somewhere good because if we're
not then it can only be some kind of horrible dystopian world ahead, where everyone is bled dry
the ecosystems no longer viable, everyone living in domes, underground, underwater, under fire
if we can't resolve our differences we'll fall together or die alone, we have to learn to find the truth
the truth of us, the truth of this place, the truth to all the lies, no more adverts, no more products
no more companies, no more privations, no more privatisations, nationalising everything so that
the world owns us and we own nothing, i always thought this was the most exciting time to be
alive, the most exciting time but the more i've learnt the less I know, and I never heard from god
i cried out, i asked to die again, and then, medicated to sleep, ending the treatment, i couldn't
i lay awake after weeks of thinking i could talk to people in my conciousness, i spoke to it
the darkness, the evil, i was told i was going to hell so why not do the bad thing? why not?
because i've been to hell and back that's right, i said i would go and bring some souls with me
i said i volunteered, i thought i had come here to experience something and I have no doubt
no doubt about it i have experienced a lot of things, so now all i can do is focus on making
others feel better again, listening to their stories again, stop telling mine, stop feeling sorry
i wonder about all the different fables of old, the bible stories, the myths the legends, age
old tales of daring do, of gods, of monsters, of good guys turned bad and bad guys who
decided to turn over a new leaf, villains who were saved, who healed their old karma
that's what i've been through, seeing for real the things that came out of me as i grew
see the events that i had blocked out, memories i had changed to be more acceptable
psychological warfares of the past, now i have to live with it all daily, look towards
the future like i never have before, realise and accept that the people in my life will
live and die as all do, and me with it too, the visions i have seen, of future bodies
replaced off the shelf, riots come and gone, heaven seen through a club window
all shiny with such vibrant colours, tentatively, wondering is my heart lighter
than a feather? in balance over my lifetime i've done more harm than good?
more good than harm? i sin cerely hope so I thought I had, focus on good
times, focus on the times i felt a part of something greater a higher love
a process underway, an evolution of life and love and light inside me
was it all just a failed attempt to understand the world and life itself
was it all just the fact that i was high all the time and felt things too
was it all just a waste of grandchildren and relationships i coulda
shoulda had when i couldnt do anything but fall for two friends
grew out of that slowly by getting hurt a few times more when
opening up to anyone had become such a chore, to risk again
to risk being open, risk trusting anyone again, risk living life
i've got to live for the sake of those around me and thomas
if you can do it then so shall i my friend i wish to see you
i wish to meet you again some day in another life another
way
x
truth is i've also been wrangling with the idea of god and an afterlife and punishment and reward
over the last months & years i've had experiences that could be said to have only been in my head
i'm not thinking too hard about what i'm going to write, just letting it flow out in the hope it's truer
that in that way i can express whatever is inside without having to know it, or rationalise it, think it
this way maybe i can understand, i know i feel that there have been things wrong, i don't like them
i don't like the person that has been revealed but then maybe that's a chance to change for the better
maybe this is a chance to choose who to be, at the same time however it makes me wonder was I?
was I just this person all along but lied to myself and made myself think i was something more?
i know the extremes that I have been to, the lengths, the ends of the earth, the thoughts i thunked.
capable of great good and great bad, we are capable of so much, if I could find the dividing line
if i could actually KNOW what was just my own imagination, own creation, maybe i never will
maybe that's the point of all this, to try, to see how far we can go, how much we can achieve now
who knows I would like to think that as we all have free will, that the sum of it all, the good, the
bad and the ugly truth, all added up to a hill o' beans, leaving the sum of its parts, greater than the
sum of our parts, like cells within a giant organism, imaginal cells, being the ones that can dream
the ones that dream of a better world if not for themselves then for those that will come after us
i guess i've blown it really, not given myself much of a chance, don't see how I can make amends
all i can do is carry on, try to provide some kind of recompense, try not to make things worse
this world seems so real now, history, the process of life, from our forbears, relatives, dead ones
through our lifetimes, to the ones to come, to those who will have to struggle, fight, work together
to try to create a world worth living in for the next lot, clean up the environment, make all new
packaging environmentally friendly, biodegradable, change everything we do to be sustainable
because if they don't we're done, maybe someone, some people have plans but I think they will
fail ultimately, i maybe was swayed too easily by what I read that others said, maybe so indeed
i have to believe that the future is bright, that we are evolving somewhere good because if we're
not then it can only be some kind of horrible dystopian world ahead, where everyone is bled dry
the ecosystems no longer viable, everyone living in domes, underground, underwater, under fire
if we can't resolve our differences we'll fall together or die alone, we have to learn to find the truth
the truth of us, the truth of this place, the truth to all the lies, no more adverts, no more products
no more companies, no more privations, no more privatisations, nationalising everything so that
the world owns us and we own nothing, i always thought this was the most exciting time to be
alive, the most exciting time but the more i've learnt the less I know, and I never heard from god
i cried out, i asked to die again, and then, medicated to sleep, ending the treatment, i couldn't
i lay awake after weeks of thinking i could talk to people in my conciousness, i spoke to it
the darkness, the evil, i was told i was going to hell so why not do the bad thing? why not?
because i've been to hell and back that's right, i said i would go and bring some souls with me
i said i volunteered, i thought i had come here to experience something and I have no doubt
no doubt about it i have experienced a lot of things, so now all i can do is focus on making
others feel better again, listening to their stories again, stop telling mine, stop feeling sorry
i wonder about all the different fables of old, the bible stories, the myths the legends, age
old tales of daring do, of gods, of monsters, of good guys turned bad and bad guys who
decided to turn over a new leaf, villains who were saved, who healed their old karma
that's what i've been through, seeing for real the things that came out of me as i grew
see the events that i had blocked out, memories i had changed to be more acceptable
psychological warfares of the past, now i have to live with it all daily, look towards
the future like i never have before, realise and accept that the people in my life will
live and die as all do, and me with it too, the visions i have seen, of future bodies
replaced off the shelf, riots come and gone, heaven seen through a club window
all shiny with such vibrant colours, tentatively, wondering is my heart lighter
than a feather? in balance over my lifetime i've done more harm than good?
more good than harm? i sin cerely hope so I thought I had, focus on good
times, focus on the times i felt a part of something greater a higher love
a process underway, an evolution of life and love and light inside me
was it all just a failed attempt to understand the world and life itself
was it all just the fact that i was high all the time and felt things too
was it all just a waste of grandchildren and relationships i coulda
shoulda had when i couldnt do anything but fall for two friends
grew out of that slowly by getting hurt a few times more when
opening up to anyone had become such a chore, to risk again
to risk being open, risk trusting anyone again, risk living life
i've got to live for the sake of those around me and thomas
if you can do it then so shall i my friend i wish to see you
i wish to meet you again some day in another life another
way
x
Monday 14 July 2014
Foo Jung Fighters
Around the turn of the last century in the public imagination there were images of disaster and destruction, only for what was later referred to as the First World War to occur in the years afterwards. Carl Gustav Jung for one had his own visions at that time and also others, in the world of art, and philosophy, had their own instinctual ideas of rivers of blood, a flood of violence and death.
Lately, over the last six months or so I have suffered a period of intense destructiveness myself, thoughts of harm, thoughts I would rather forget that I find difficult to do so, because they were and on occasion still are of a nature that suggested to me something awkward to the normal day to day. Out of the ordinary, out of nowhere, similar to a period I suffered two years ago in 2012.
Today the world stand on the brink of a conflict that started over a thousand years ago, a great crusade between what some might call Christianity and what some might call the Muslim world. In reality what is happening has more to do with resources and pressure on them, has more to do with power and control and I find it easy to see how both sides are at fault, for their hubris, their desires.
The world will never be the same, but then change is the only given, nothing stays the same forever.
We are born, we live, we die and at times over the last few years, those two periods I've spoken of, I actually wished to be engulfed by the things going on in the world around us, to be killed, to be a victim, even if it meant others were also at stake. Only in the moment, but in a way if my pain was to be ended, it was a selfish desire for it to be ended in whatever way was possible at the time.
If that meant a helicopter or plane crash, if that meant a car or truck colliding with me, if that meant jumping from a bridge or high place, or from a tree or overpass tied to a rope, into a fire to burn.
The selfish desire to have my life ended to escape the very things I could have avoided so easily.
I wonder whether I deserve to be alive, whether any do who have done wrong, taken things, people, life for granted in the past. Lived selfishly, lived for themselves, lived timidly, not taken chances and then blamed that failure to live a life, bravely, taking chances, taking risks to possibly gain a full and worthy life, giving the world a chance not to disappoint, use us up, abuse us, hurt us again and again.
In truth many people feel as though there is little point in trying, waking each day, getting out of bed.
Many lives have been ruined so that a few can have everything and anything they could ever wish for.
Yet I doubt that there is a greater happiness in the lives of those who have everything and wish for nothing, I doubt very much that when the lights go out at night, that they sleep soundly, or will die with a smile on their face, without regret, without realising that something was missing in life.
I wonder daily whether if there had been an easy way out for me if I'd have taken it.
I didn't and fading as they do and are the thoughts I suffer, lingering on still now.
I wouldn't have ever wished to have hurt someone else or subjected them to me.
I guess my own fears were such that I let them destroy my chances to live full.
I can't say that I am not deserving of this feeling now of never going forward.
I don't feel as though this life is for anything other than redemption & effort.
I, I, who is this I that I speak of, ask questions of? Who am I? What is I?
The I that asks the questions, an I that lives, an I that dies, is there a soul?
Something that will go on after the I that I am attached to is no longer?
Now these are just musings of a formerly cigarette smoking man...
Addicted to a feeling, a way of being, a freeing that came from,
smoking, from toking, still now it comes back when I do now,
not very often as I made a promise which I can break when,
well when tempted, when around it, so I shy away always,
as I've always done, because of the fear of failure, merit,
inherited, an energy of defeat, of lies, passed down, now.
Ignored the warnings, took my own routes, rambling now.
Change the subject, finish this dialogue now, wish again now.
For another chance because this life is beyond forgiveness now.
I couldn't share the core of who I have been without shame now.
I've heard that only god forgives, if only I could forgive myself now.
so to bed to sleep, avoided at times, as though the nightime voyages, to the astral plane were scary, as though I felt unworthy of going to another place, another space, dimensions in time, astrid, tardis...
one more episode of whatever it is that keeps me going, feeling as though im drawn to what i need to see, to learn, to regain some hope, some sense of why we are here, why ive lived this way, brave...
but too scared because somehow I knew there was something wrong, ive hurt myself first, drawn on experiences too early, too late, felt like fate was on the cards, too scared to face a wedding speech, a bride, a lover, a friend, somehow i got addicted to them, first one, then another, never again...
so i swore off them all, they always seemed to be a nuisance to my pursuit of the truth anyway
there is one that I have loved, was drawn to, attracted by, no wonder she's amazing
and perhaps in another life, in the palace of parvati and shiva where we met
we can be together finally again as we are now before and after all this
finally one fine day, when what dreams may come, we can kiss
Lately, over the last six months or so I have suffered a period of intense destructiveness myself, thoughts of harm, thoughts I would rather forget that I find difficult to do so, because they were and on occasion still are of a nature that suggested to me something awkward to the normal day to day. Out of the ordinary, out of nowhere, similar to a period I suffered two years ago in 2012.
Today the world stand on the brink of a conflict that started over a thousand years ago, a great crusade between what some might call Christianity and what some might call the Muslim world. In reality what is happening has more to do with resources and pressure on them, has more to do with power and control and I find it easy to see how both sides are at fault, for their hubris, their desires.
The world will never be the same, but then change is the only given, nothing stays the same forever.
We are born, we live, we die and at times over the last few years, those two periods I've spoken of, I actually wished to be engulfed by the things going on in the world around us, to be killed, to be a victim, even if it meant others were also at stake. Only in the moment, but in a way if my pain was to be ended, it was a selfish desire for it to be ended in whatever way was possible at the time.
If that meant a helicopter or plane crash, if that meant a car or truck colliding with me, if that meant jumping from a bridge or high place, or from a tree or overpass tied to a rope, into a fire to burn.
The selfish desire to have my life ended to escape the very things I could have avoided so easily.
I wonder whether I deserve to be alive, whether any do who have done wrong, taken things, people, life for granted in the past. Lived selfishly, lived for themselves, lived timidly, not taken chances and then blamed that failure to live a life, bravely, taking chances, taking risks to possibly gain a full and worthy life, giving the world a chance not to disappoint, use us up, abuse us, hurt us again and again.
In truth many people feel as though there is little point in trying, waking each day, getting out of bed.
Many lives have been ruined so that a few can have everything and anything they could ever wish for.
Yet I doubt that there is a greater happiness in the lives of those who have everything and wish for nothing, I doubt very much that when the lights go out at night, that they sleep soundly, or will die with a smile on their face, without regret, without realising that something was missing in life.
I wonder daily whether if there had been an easy way out for me if I'd have taken it.
I didn't and fading as they do and are the thoughts I suffer, lingering on still now.
I wouldn't have ever wished to have hurt someone else or subjected them to me.
I guess my own fears were such that I let them destroy my chances to live full.
I can't say that I am not deserving of this feeling now of never going forward.
I don't feel as though this life is for anything other than redemption & effort.
I, I, who is this I that I speak of, ask questions of? Who am I? What is I?
The I that asks the questions, an I that lives, an I that dies, is there a soul?
Something that will go on after the I that I am attached to is no longer?
Now these are just musings of a formerly cigarette smoking man...
Addicted to a feeling, a way of being, a freeing that came from,
smoking, from toking, still now it comes back when I do now,
not very often as I made a promise which I can break when,
well when tempted, when around it, so I shy away always,
as I've always done, because of the fear of failure, merit,
inherited, an energy of defeat, of lies, passed down, now.
Ignored the warnings, took my own routes, rambling now.
Change the subject, finish this dialogue now, wish again now.
For another chance because this life is beyond forgiveness now.
I couldn't share the core of who I have been without shame now.
I've heard that only god forgives, if only I could forgive myself now.
so to bed to sleep, avoided at times, as though the nightime voyages, to the astral plane were scary, as though I felt unworthy of going to another place, another space, dimensions in time, astrid, tardis...
one more episode of whatever it is that keeps me going, feeling as though im drawn to what i need to see, to learn, to regain some hope, some sense of why we are here, why ive lived this way, brave...
but too scared because somehow I knew there was something wrong, ive hurt myself first, drawn on experiences too early, too late, felt like fate was on the cards, too scared to face a wedding speech, a bride, a lover, a friend, somehow i got addicted to them, first one, then another, never again...
so i swore off them all, they always seemed to be a nuisance to my pursuit of the truth anyway
there is one that I have loved, was drawn to, attracted by, no wonder she's amazing
and perhaps in another life, in the palace of parvati and shiva where we met
we can be together finally again as we are now before and after all this
finally one fine day, when what dreams may come, we can kiss
Live Brave - See what changes you can make for others
i don't write as much as i used to here, in some ways it's a habit, it's from fear
that I didn't have a leg to stand on or that the words I said came from out of
left field, out of the air, out of time, out of my own inspiration not out of a
collective unconscious imagination, out of a necessity to express real
feelings, of a desire to express real love, real fearlessness, real truth
and it still irks me to think about how many mistakes i've made
and how many things I will disavow myself of in the future
but this one there is no denying is on the cards i'm
to try to have hope, try to live brave, forever
and a day because that's what life is
one day at a time, one minute
one second, an instant
one loving moment
and then the
next one
x
that I didn't have a leg to stand on or that the words I said came from out of
left field, out of the air, out of time, out of my own inspiration not out of a
collective unconscious imagination, out of a necessity to express real
feelings, of a desire to express real love, real fearlessness, real truth
and it still irks me to think about how many mistakes i've made
and how many things I will disavow myself of in the future
but this one there is no denying is on the cards i'm
to try to have hope, try to live brave, forever
and a day because that's what life is
one day at a time, one minute
one second, an instant
one loving moment
and then the
next one
x
Eli Stone
Abstinence Only Sexual Education Programs?
Really? The division between church and state.
And yet kids can be told that condoms don't work?
I don't know whether what I can learn about the U.S. from a t.v. show should be taken as anything other than a view of the situation as it was when that show was made and that was a few years ago.
I've gone through so many incarnations, so many different viewpoints, over the years.
You see I feel as though we should be able to be more open about so many things.
We ought to be able to be less squeamish about nudity and the human body.
After all we've all got one, and they're messy things, shit, piss, cum.
I feel as though too that youngsters ought to be protected though, from too much pressure to be something they are not, but also that they ought to be able to be who they are as soon as they feel comfortable with who that is. The law says all sorts of things, in order to protect the youth from older people, from those who would hurt them, corrupt them and yet it also stops them from being themselves, from experimenting, from listening to their own feelings, from acting on them.
In some ways it's a naive position I take because I would wish for a world where no-one is hurt, abused, or used, where everyone can experience being loved for who they are, and love one another.
I guess I've felt for a long time that the innocent deserve protection and yet we shouldn't criminalise or make rules that suggest everyone is the same, age limits on things suggest that is the case.
The bureaucracy, the laws, the rules are all designed to make the best of a bad situation, not to provide guidance, but to ride roughshod over the population, by telling them how to behave.
I always felt as though right and wrong were inherent, in built, there within us all from birth.
That we learnt how to behave badly, that mistakes of the past were handed down.
In some ways I have felt as though bad behaviour, abuse is like an energy.
That it seeps through from generation to generation in the dark.
The energy of the wrongdoing passing on to the next.
Maybe I am wrong and it's more complicated.
All I know is that when I stopped drinking, and even when I was, I avoided situations where I might be tempted to take the state I was in, or anyone else was as an excuse to do something under the influence that I wouldn't do when I wasn't. I avoided situations where I might be offered.
I avoided situations where I might be tempted to ask the question because I was drunk.
I avoided lust, where I could, felt that love was worth waiting for.
I'm no saint, I've done things I regret, will never speak of.
I had learnt that there was good and evil in us.
In the world, in the temptations we face.
I didn't fear death, had lost the squeamishness about certain things, and now the fear is back.
I started to fear death because I faced the true terror of evil in my conciousness, met it.
Met evil, the devil in me projected onto another, faced away, said kill me now.
Expected my head to be bashed in, where my friend of course never would.
Never could, of all the experiences I have faced I never raised my hand.
Hand to god though now, I wish I could go back and face myself.
Say to myself you did right in that situation, in that you did not.
In that particular case you did wrong, don't do it this time.
I can't go back only forward, so I'm waiting to forget.
Not blocking things out, waiting for them to fade.
Honestly though I'm not sure I can face souls.
I'd rationalised a few things and people.
Held beliefs I've challenged now.
If it's a case of wanting to come back again and have another go here, I thought, felt as though I had found my way to the centre of the labyrinth and earned the right not to come here ever again.
I felt as though I would be punished for the times when I had chosen wrong and still feel like that.
I wish I could focus on the things I've done right and maybe in time I will again, start over.
Feel less as though I would prefer to be abstinent for the rest of my days and never love.
Though I would dearly love to love, to feel love, to give love easily, to meditate on it.
So I shall and start over again right now, right here, hold myself inviolate of love.
nondum amabam et amare amabam i have not loved unconditionally though i
yearned to love, i sought what I might love in love with loving... Again.
Living again, here again, with x's against my name on my palms.
Big dreams, maybe too big for my tiny sense of my self.
Maybe too big for me to ever realise in this life.
I hope I can for others, not for myself.
Whether it's because I fear death.
Fear the consequences of it.
Fear never having loved.
Fear the end of it all.
Love never dies.
I was told.
Love
x
Really? The division between church and state.
And yet kids can be told that condoms don't work?
I don't know whether what I can learn about the U.S. from a t.v. show should be taken as anything other than a view of the situation as it was when that show was made and that was a few years ago.
I've gone through so many incarnations, so many different viewpoints, over the years.
You see I feel as though we should be able to be more open about so many things.
We ought to be able to be less squeamish about nudity and the human body.
After all we've all got one, and they're messy things, shit, piss, cum.
I feel as though too that youngsters ought to be protected though, from too much pressure to be something they are not, but also that they ought to be able to be who they are as soon as they feel comfortable with who that is. The law says all sorts of things, in order to protect the youth from older people, from those who would hurt them, corrupt them and yet it also stops them from being themselves, from experimenting, from listening to their own feelings, from acting on them.
In some ways it's a naive position I take because I would wish for a world where no-one is hurt, abused, or used, where everyone can experience being loved for who they are, and love one another.
I guess I've felt for a long time that the innocent deserve protection and yet we shouldn't criminalise or make rules that suggest everyone is the same, age limits on things suggest that is the case.
The bureaucracy, the laws, the rules are all designed to make the best of a bad situation, not to provide guidance, but to ride roughshod over the population, by telling them how to behave.
I always felt as though right and wrong were inherent, in built, there within us all from birth.
That we learnt how to behave badly, that mistakes of the past were handed down.
In some ways I have felt as though bad behaviour, abuse is like an energy.
That it seeps through from generation to generation in the dark.
The energy of the wrongdoing passing on to the next.
Maybe I am wrong and it's more complicated.
All I know is that when I stopped drinking, and even when I was, I avoided situations where I might be tempted to take the state I was in, or anyone else was as an excuse to do something under the influence that I wouldn't do when I wasn't. I avoided situations where I might be offered.
I avoided situations where I might be tempted to ask the question because I was drunk.
I avoided lust, where I could, felt that love was worth waiting for.
I'm no saint, I've done things I regret, will never speak of.
I had learnt that there was good and evil in us.
In the world, in the temptations we face.
I didn't fear death, had lost the squeamishness about certain things, and now the fear is back.
I started to fear death because I faced the true terror of evil in my conciousness, met it.
Met evil, the devil in me projected onto another, faced away, said kill me now.
Expected my head to be bashed in, where my friend of course never would.
Never could, of all the experiences I have faced I never raised my hand.
Hand to god though now, I wish I could go back and face myself.
Say to myself you did right in that situation, in that you did not.
In that particular case you did wrong, don't do it this time.
I can't go back only forward, so I'm waiting to forget.
Not blocking things out, waiting for them to fade.
Honestly though I'm not sure I can face souls.
I'd rationalised a few things and people.
Held beliefs I've challenged now.
If it's a case of wanting to come back again and have another go here, I thought, felt as though I had found my way to the centre of the labyrinth and earned the right not to come here ever again.
I felt as though I would be punished for the times when I had chosen wrong and still feel like that.
I wish I could focus on the things I've done right and maybe in time I will again, start over.
Feel less as though I would prefer to be abstinent for the rest of my days and never love.
Though I would dearly love to love, to feel love, to give love easily, to meditate on it.
So I shall and start over again right now, right here, hold myself inviolate of love.
nondum amabam et amare amabam i have not loved unconditionally though i
yearned to love, i sought what I might love in love with loving... Again.
Living again, here again, with x's against my name on my palms.
Big dreams, maybe too big for my tiny sense of my self.
Maybe too big for me to ever realise in this life.
I hope I can for others, not for myself.
Whether it's because I fear death.
Fear the consequences of it.
Fear never having loved.
Fear the end of it all.
Love never dies.
I was told.
Love
x
Sunday 13 July 2014
Camels and Needles
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is for a man to gain entry into the kingdom of heaven... I may have misquoted and for a start I would change those words to:-
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is for a person to gain entry to heaven
Removing the gender bias, removing the word kingdom, I would probably change the order too
I believe that we all go there, the direction of travel may be altered by our choices but yes
I believe we all go somewhere after we die, and our choices here may have some say
In where we go immediately afterwards but not the final destination in the end
I believe that all the religions and traditions speak of the same things
Petty arguments and differences of opinion have lead to wars
What was clear at some point, diverging into dogma
When what was there in the first place was ma god
the mother goddess, nature and the environment
the father sky and the mother earth we see
Maybe there was some superstition, the way that things occur around us, changing our thoughts, our beliefs, it's understandable to put a great deal of stock in the natural patterns that occur, in the sky, in events around us that are inexplicable, in the mysteries, coincidences, random seeming occurrences.
Natural processes, earthquakes, things that would have happened anyway becoming prescribed as the wrath of a higher being, because of the actions of a few or the many, maybe even individuals.
I hope so anyway, I really do, it would seem remiss for all the people I've experienced, met, seen, read about, researched, believed in to be wrong. For all of it to be merely experiences of mind. Dreams, not visions, fantasies not realities. There is some truth above and beyond.
Onwards and upwards
Suseia et Ultreia
Love
x
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is for a person to gain entry to heaven
Removing the gender bias, removing the word kingdom, I would probably change the order too
I believe that we all go there, the direction of travel may be altered by our choices but yes
I believe we all go somewhere after we die, and our choices here may have some say
In where we go immediately afterwards but not the final destination in the end
I believe that all the religions and traditions speak of the same things
Petty arguments and differences of opinion have lead to wars
What was clear at some point, diverging into dogma
When what was there in the first place was ma god
the mother goddess, nature and the environment
the father sky and the mother earth we see
Maybe there was some superstition, the way that things occur around us, changing our thoughts, our beliefs, it's understandable to put a great deal of stock in the natural patterns that occur, in the sky, in events around us that are inexplicable, in the mysteries, coincidences, random seeming occurrences.
Natural processes, earthquakes, things that would have happened anyway becoming prescribed as the wrath of a higher being, because of the actions of a few or the many, maybe even individuals.
I hope so anyway, I really do, it would seem remiss for all the people I've experienced, met, seen, read about, researched, believed in to be wrong. For all of it to be merely experiences of mind. Dreams, not visions, fantasies not realities. There is some truth above and beyond.
Onwards and upwards
Suseia et Ultreia
Love
x
Friday 11 July 2014
Multiple Worlds
I don't know how much or how many, how much people think or know about this world or how many people know or think they know about this world. For me there's at least two worlds going on side by side. For instance there was the Trafalgar Square recently used as a location to make a film featuring Thomas Mapother (Tom Cruise), it's the one that tourists to London visit and walk around.
Then there's the Trafalgar Square that myself and many hundreds of protesters gathered in two years ago on November the fifth. Not last year the one before, 2012, that great year, feared by many as the end of something and in truth it was, the beginning of the end of something and the start of something else. For me it was the day I found myself afraid to open my mouth and speak my truth, dissent.
That one, that square and the march from there, that took us all past the guarded gates of Downing Street, that we shouted at as we walked on by, calmly, resolutely, to the refrain 'Whose Street Our Streets' after all if all the people could be made displeased at one time, we would rise up, overthrow those who see themselves as our leaders, our better, not our olders, not our elders, not the wisest.
Not those among us capable of making the correct decisions to see us into the future, but those who seek power. Now they may have ideas that they can make the changes, for the better, for the common good, for the majority, but they're mostly now career politicians, not normal people. They don't know what life is like for the majority, they may think they do, but they really don't and never will.
No they mostly have plans for the future of their lives that involve interests in the business world, they have vested interests that mean the decisions they make are a part of the current paradigm.
I believe and hope that technology will free the majority up to make up their own minds, to follow a more natural approach, maybe necessity, the mother of invention will again come back to us.
Maybe the times we face ahead, the conditions will allow or force the herd to choose a different path than the one that the stags are taking us on, after all that's how it works in nature, has done forever.
Unfortunately all the general populace knows about Darwin is his origin of species stuff, the message has been chosen like history, by the victors, the business types, the bankers, the politicians.
What we are at our core, in our hearts is a species that cares for each other, at our base level, in extremis, when push comes to shove or there is a disaster of some kind we look out for one another.
I would like to see natural selection take its course once more, for the days ahead to allow us to see the pathological, the socio-paths for what and who they are, the self interested for the liars they are.
They lie to themselves though, as we all do, we subconsciously do a lot of things, often without even realising it, we don't see what the left hand is doing while the right hand is occupied elsewhere.
Once you know what you are doing, question your own motives, change your ways, decide whether voluntarily or through some kind of process foisted upon you to see who you really are it's all over.
I believe that whether we like it or not, conciousness is being expressed more deeply, we are coming to see ourselves more clearly, I certainly have and it's been a most painful time I wanted to end it.
I still am going through something, I don't know if this is natural or something I brought on, something that was hiding, waiting to come out to play or never would have without my mistakes.
I don't know and I don't care, all I want, if I could would be to go back, change things, I can't, so all I can do is make the best of a bad job, choose not to make the same errors again, somehow get on.
We are all facing the same things, or ignoring them, at our peril I feel because the planet is dying, so many inexplicable things, to many mystery illnesses, shocks to the natural systems, disasters.
Whether natural or man made the planet is kicking us out, getting ready to let us die, because of the ways in which we have destroyed our ecosystems, raped the resources from her flesh, bloodstream.
I wish for some to evolve, to become being of pure energy and light and leave behind the dark shadows of our past, let go the bleak worldview, leave this place, move onwards and upwards.
Ultreia et Suseia
Love
x
Then there's the Trafalgar Square that myself and many hundreds of protesters gathered in two years ago on November the fifth. Not last year the one before, 2012, that great year, feared by many as the end of something and in truth it was, the beginning of the end of something and the start of something else. For me it was the day I found myself afraid to open my mouth and speak my truth, dissent.
That one, that square and the march from there, that took us all past the guarded gates of Downing Street, that we shouted at as we walked on by, calmly, resolutely, to the refrain 'Whose Street Our Streets' after all if all the people could be made displeased at one time, we would rise up, overthrow those who see themselves as our leaders, our better, not our olders, not our elders, not the wisest.
Not those among us capable of making the correct decisions to see us into the future, but those who seek power. Now they may have ideas that they can make the changes, for the better, for the common good, for the majority, but they're mostly now career politicians, not normal people. They don't know what life is like for the majority, they may think they do, but they really don't and never will.
No they mostly have plans for the future of their lives that involve interests in the business world, they have vested interests that mean the decisions they make are a part of the current paradigm.
I believe and hope that technology will free the majority up to make up their own minds, to follow a more natural approach, maybe necessity, the mother of invention will again come back to us.
Maybe the times we face ahead, the conditions will allow or force the herd to choose a different path than the one that the stags are taking us on, after all that's how it works in nature, has done forever.
Unfortunately all the general populace knows about Darwin is his origin of species stuff, the message has been chosen like history, by the victors, the business types, the bankers, the politicians.
What we are at our core, in our hearts is a species that cares for each other, at our base level, in extremis, when push comes to shove or there is a disaster of some kind we look out for one another.
I would like to see natural selection take its course once more, for the days ahead to allow us to see the pathological, the socio-paths for what and who they are, the self interested for the liars they are.
They lie to themselves though, as we all do, we subconsciously do a lot of things, often without even realising it, we don't see what the left hand is doing while the right hand is occupied elsewhere.
Once you know what you are doing, question your own motives, change your ways, decide whether voluntarily or through some kind of process foisted upon you to see who you really are it's all over.
I believe that whether we like it or not, conciousness is being expressed more deeply, we are coming to see ourselves more clearly, I certainly have and it's been a most painful time I wanted to end it.
I still am going through something, I don't know if this is natural or something I brought on, something that was hiding, waiting to come out to play or never would have without my mistakes.
I don't know and I don't care, all I want, if I could would be to go back, change things, I can't, so all I can do is make the best of a bad job, choose not to make the same errors again, somehow get on.
We are all facing the same things, or ignoring them, at our peril I feel because the planet is dying, so many inexplicable things, to many mystery illnesses, shocks to the natural systems, disasters.
Whether natural or man made the planet is kicking us out, getting ready to let us die, because of the ways in which we have destroyed our ecosystems, raped the resources from her flesh, bloodstream.
I wish for some to evolve, to become being of pure energy and light and leave behind the dark shadows of our past, let go the bleak worldview, leave this place, move onwards and upwards.
Ultreia et Suseia
Love
x
A Bientot Thomas
Until we meet again, for the first time, maybe...
Eternity I've been thinking about it a bit
Quite a bit actually it's not goodbye
It's see you later on my friend
Until we meet again
For the first
Time
x
Eternity I've been thinking about it a bit
Quite a bit actually it's not goodbye
It's see you later on my friend
Until we meet again
For the first
Time
x
Thursday 10 July 2014
scared scarred scurrying
I'm scared, psychologically scarred, scurrying to find a way forward
I had this daft faith, this confidence that things would work out
When pushed into a corner I always came out fighting...
It would start with a lack of confidence, I would be shy but come across ok
Then over the weeks as I got my head above water again I'd get bored
I'd get to realise again that I wanted something else again, new
So now the new seems so far off, what I wished for dead
Things have gotten better slowly over time, ups
Downs, generally better over time slowly
Then worse again, stress induced
I'm scared, scarred, scurrying
I feel alone, there's no-one I can turn to, the medical profession has not helped, I can't open up about the things I feel or think to anyone, don't want to upset the apple cart, or people I know, wish there was a way for people like me, them, us to share whatever it is we're going through, find others.
Share the ways in which we are different in the moment, for the moment, for the present
I don't know if this is all a natural exploration of my worst and best aspects because I really have had the confidence to be the best I could be and crashed terribly from there to the lowest aspects now
It's hurt like hell, maybe that's what hell is, a state of mind, a place within the head to live in
For me it's waking to thoughts that aren't going away like they did before, fading memories
I'm not pushing them away, not asking for them to be gone, waiting for the natural way
I'm assuming that I deserve this period, that I have failed so miserably in the past
That my future has been destroyed because I was like this before, felt alone
That I would die, never having loved again, never having felt loved again
And so those aspects are alive in me, and I can't see how I could open
Up to another soul, or bare it, or bear it, to see the look, to be honest
So if I feel as though I'll never be close enough ever or again then
I'm in mourning for a past, present and future that will never be
I feel as though I know the mistakes I've made and can see why I would dearly like to go back, or live this life again, I felt as though this was my chance to heal the wounds of previous lives, a final chance to deal with the karma of previous incarnations, literally flesh puppet with anima, animo, animated...
Literally as though this was the last time this soul will come here to live a life and this is it?
I have the tragic love affair, my only exploration of one man and one woman together
I have the details and memories of the last several years, coloured in and by the old
I have the experiences I have had over those wonderful and stark summers yet
I can't suggest that I have learnt anything, experienced anything real or so
I thought I was, redeeming myself, repairing old wounds, healing me
Atoning, alone in, wandering through life, meandering, pandering
Manderin, satsuma, word association, access to the subconcious
It's there, I'll hear a song, or a word, a phrase, the links clear
Back to watching shows and getting hooked, fearing all
Back to the person I was, shy retiring, finding anything to do but what needs to be done
Until the last, the pressure, the walls close in and I have to act because I put it off
Until it has to be, until I can't do anything but whatever was suggested or
until I can't do ought but write from the heart again, feel dead inside
Wish I could feel those feelings again, the energy, the lightness of being that I felt
The connection, elation, passion, wonder, life, wishing isn't getting though so
I'm going to stress that all I want is to somehow pay back in money if not
in affection, as i tear up, for I feel like I've done this, foolishly if not by design, not mine
accidentally, and then going with what I thought was the flow I've shown myself up
purported to be a shaman, then a healer, felt like I was, saw things, energies then
Felt them more recently, I thought I was demonstrating tantra, my massage
self at first, then others, I wish for them to know it was all honest, true
Never self agrandisement, I guess my hope is that when all is said
and done that it will be obvious to all and to myself where twas
that i did right, where twas that I did wrong and inbetween
somehow a balance to be restored and sharply defined
for me to go on have enough love for myself to eat
to live to be healthy to keep good habits i don't
want to show up those around me anymore
if that means never having any magic
if that means never keeping odd
hours anymore then so be it
i just want to earn save
pay off debts ccj
somehow be
free one
day
x
I had this daft faith, this confidence that things would work out
When pushed into a corner I always came out fighting...
It would start with a lack of confidence, I would be shy but come across ok
Then over the weeks as I got my head above water again I'd get bored
I'd get to realise again that I wanted something else again, new
So now the new seems so far off, what I wished for dead
Things have gotten better slowly over time, ups
Downs, generally better over time slowly
Then worse again, stress induced
I'm scared, scarred, scurrying
I feel alone, there's no-one I can turn to, the medical profession has not helped, I can't open up about the things I feel or think to anyone, don't want to upset the apple cart, or people I know, wish there was a way for people like me, them, us to share whatever it is we're going through, find others.
Share the ways in which we are different in the moment, for the moment, for the present
I don't know if this is all a natural exploration of my worst and best aspects because I really have had the confidence to be the best I could be and crashed terribly from there to the lowest aspects now
It's hurt like hell, maybe that's what hell is, a state of mind, a place within the head to live in
For me it's waking to thoughts that aren't going away like they did before, fading memories
I'm not pushing them away, not asking for them to be gone, waiting for the natural way
I'm assuming that I deserve this period, that I have failed so miserably in the past
That my future has been destroyed because I was like this before, felt alone
That I would die, never having loved again, never having felt loved again
And so those aspects are alive in me, and I can't see how I could open
Up to another soul, or bare it, or bear it, to see the look, to be honest
So if I feel as though I'll never be close enough ever or again then
I'm in mourning for a past, present and future that will never be
I feel as though I know the mistakes I've made and can see why I would dearly like to go back, or live this life again, I felt as though this was my chance to heal the wounds of previous lives, a final chance to deal with the karma of previous incarnations, literally flesh puppet with anima, animo, animated...
Literally as though this was the last time this soul will come here to live a life and this is it?
I have the tragic love affair, my only exploration of one man and one woman together
I have the details and memories of the last several years, coloured in and by the old
I have the experiences I have had over those wonderful and stark summers yet
I can't suggest that I have learnt anything, experienced anything real or so
I thought I was, redeeming myself, repairing old wounds, healing me
Atoning, alone in, wandering through life, meandering, pandering
Manderin, satsuma, word association, access to the subconcious
It's there, I'll hear a song, or a word, a phrase, the links clear
Back to watching shows and getting hooked, fearing all
Back to the person I was, shy retiring, finding anything to do but what needs to be done
Until the last, the pressure, the walls close in and I have to act because I put it off
Until it has to be, until I can't do anything but whatever was suggested or
until I can't do ought but write from the heart again, feel dead inside
Wish I could feel those feelings again, the energy, the lightness of being that I felt
The connection, elation, passion, wonder, life, wishing isn't getting though so
I'm going to stress that all I want is to somehow pay back in money if not
in affection, as i tear up, for I feel like I've done this, foolishly if not by design, not mine
accidentally, and then going with what I thought was the flow I've shown myself up
purported to be a shaman, then a healer, felt like I was, saw things, energies then
Felt them more recently, I thought I was demonstrating tantra, my massage
self at first, then others, I wish for them to know it was all honest, true
Never self agrandisement, I guess my hope is that when all is said
and done that it will be obvious to all and to myself where twas
that i did right, where twas that I did wrong and inbetween
somehow a balance to be restored and sharply defined
for me to go on have enough love for myself to eat
to live to be healthy to keep good habits i don't
want to show up those around me anymore
if that means never having any magic
if that means never keeping odd
hours anymore then so be it
i just want to earn save
pay off debts ccj
somehow be
free one
day
x
Sunday 6 July 2014
Monteriano
For fools rush in where angels fear to tread...
Is it that I have become so connected that every step feels like it causes irreparable damage, that I am become the bringer of death to all creatures smaller than I, over sensitive to my impact on the planet that I wish to never fly or drive again burning fuel that shouldn't even be brought from the soil and released into the air, I am a fool no doubt about that, I've rushed in without thinking, followed my instincts, denied the quiet voice that kept nagging me to do the right thing always and it's lead me here to wherever this is, a place in time and space that I don't find very appealing it has to be said. I suffer daily with the remembrances of everything I've failed to do, to see, to experience that others have and conversely all they haven't, that I have.
The days to come aren't going to be easy, change is never painless I feel it daily...
“and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”
Is it that I have become so connected that every step feels like it causes irreparable damage, that I am become the bringer of death to all creatures smaller than I, over sensitive to my impact on the planet that I wish to never fly or drive again burning fuel that shouldn't even be brought from the soil and released into the air, I am a fool no doubt about that, I've rushed in without thinking, followed my instincts, denied the quiet voice that kept nagging me to do the right thing always and it's lead me here to wherever this is, a place in time and space that I don't find very appealing it has to be said. I suffer daily with the remembrances of everything I've failed to do, to see, to experience that others have and conversely all they haven't, that I have.
The days to come aren't going to be easy, change is never painless I feel it daily...
“and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”
Friday 4 July 2014
Episodic Anticipation
I don't like to know what is coming, I prefer to be able to enjoy anticipation, to be able to not know and feel the desire for as long as it takes for things to work out on their own, for information to come along when it should, let's say we're talking about a t.v. programme, or a film that is coming out soon.
I don't like the way that we are given snippets, clips of the following weeks episode at the end of the current one, it gives away too much because you can guess a lot about the next show from the titbits.
In the past it was necessary for people to save up for a long time before purchasing something new.
They had to pool their resources together, or let the anticipation grow over the days and weeks.
When you finally had enough money to get what you wanted it meant so much more then.
Now you can get credit and have what you want right away, no waiting, no earning it.
No you have to earn like a dog to pay off what you've just leant from someone.
We've let things get to such a state because we have no patience, no will power.
It's just too easy to get what we want and I've made the distinction before between what we want and what we need. We need very little in life, shelter - water - food... add to that some company to share those things with and you have the basics for a happy life, a simple life maybe but a happy one.
Instead we all find our lives full of desire for things we don't need, and the cart is before the horse.
We don't need any of the creature comforts that we've grown used to, look at the way a child today behaves when some thing they love is taken away from them, we are spoilt and it shows.
We love things. Look at the queues to get the new this or that first, to be the consumer.
I have not bought anything in such a long time, because I've not been in a position to, no job, any money coming in saved up to pay off a ccj, a county court judgement, and the rent stacks up.
But in many ways my life has become so simple because of it, I now lack the courage I had before.
I had courage before, I went places, I did things and I miss those journeys but I have also been given a chance to look at my life from another perspective, to look at the ways I was living it and judge myself fairly, to see the ways in which I have behaved badly, to realise the ways I have failed.
I'm down on myself lately and I've lost the spiritual perspective I had before, when I was there, when I saw the world from that viewpoint I thought checking someone out was rude, without permission.
I was ageless, sexless, non judgemental, I saw everyone as unique individuals with value and life.
Now I see myself as having gone through a change, a transition back to the way I was before.
It hurts because I am judging people, by the way they look, noticing the ways I am wrong.
Struggling to give myself a break, wondering if things will ever go back to that way.
That beautiful way that they were, when I acted as though others were my priority.
When I had confidence, to journey out and about, I wonder who I am, who I was.
I wonder about the world, I've been through things I wouldn't wish on another.
Come out the other side wondering whether there was a happy ending there.
Somewhere at the end of the journeys I was going on I thought there was.
I find myself thinking about the end of life a lot, giving others a break.
I'm too young to be thinking about death just yet, it's what happens.
What happens when we die that preoccupied me so much though.
I will have to let my anticipation build now that I'm accepting where I went wrong.
Realising the ways in which I wasn't looking after myself properly and I am now.
For the sake of others who I have to repay, have to earn and pay back kindness.
For the sake of the status quo, not rocking the boat anymore thinking I knew.
What I was doing, what it was for, where we are all going, it's a mystery.
We won't know maybe don't know for sure, maybe no-one does yet.
People I know though believe they have a line on all of this.
I thought that was what I was getting into too maybe not.
Maybe all of the things that happened were my own dreams, my own episodic anticipations of life after death, of connection and communication with dead celebrities, Bruce Lee, Terence Mckenna, magical evenings in the company of Yew trees on the full moon under the protection of mushrooms.
I hope for a review, an honest appreciation, of what went wrong and what right, I expect so...
I often wondered if our expectations, almost always wrong in life, lead us somewhere in death.
That maybe what we believed would happen when we dies would be what happened when we die.
That atheists would find nothing there, but blackness and that's it, that humanists would find the same. That anyone expecting something would get what they deserved but then we're all sinners.
I also thought that it would make sense for forgiveness to be necessary for even the worst evils.
Someone creates most wrongdoers, they were hurt, physically, mentally, made into what they were.
Or their choices carried them down whatever road it was they ended up at the end of finally.
Temptation, free will, decisions, actions, the world is such a large mess of all these.
It's not fair, by any means, good people die young and the bad ones can live.
So it could only be after all this that everyone would see a fair deal.
Or that everyone finds that there is nothing afterwards at all.
Either way, it ends when you die or there's a surprise.
I hoped the lights went on and everyone yelled...
Then they're switched off for the next in line.
Shhhh here comes another one.............
I don't like the way that we are given snippets, clips of the following weeks episode at the end of the current one, it gives away too much because you can guess a lot about the next show from the titbits.
In the past it was necessary for people to save up for a long time before purchasing something new.
They had to pool their resources together, or let the anticipation grow over the days and weeks.
When you finally had enough money to get what you wanted it meant so much more then.
Now you can get credit and have what you want right away, no waiting, no earning it.
No you have to earn like a dog to pay off what you've just leant from someone.
We've let things get to such a state because we have no patience, no will power.
It's just too easy to get what we want and I've made the distinction before between what we want and what we need. We need very little in life, shelter - water - food... add to that some company to share those things with and you have the basics for a happy life, a simple life maybe but a happy one.
Instead we all find our lives full of desire for things we don't need, and the cart is before the horse.
We don't need any of the creature comforts that we've grown used to, look at the way a child today behaves when some thing they love is taken away from them, we are spoilt and it shows.
We love things. Look at the queues to get the new this or that first, to be the consumer.
I have not bought anything in such a long time, because I've not been in a position to, no job, any money coming in saved up to pay off a ccj, a county court judgement, and the rent stacks up.
But in many ways my life has become so simple because of it, I now lack the courage I had before.
I had courage before, I went places, I did things and I miss those journeys but I have also been given a chance to look at my life from another perspective, to look at the ways I was living it and judge myself fairly, to see the ways in which I have behaved badly, to realise the ways I have failed.
I'm down on myself lately and I've lost the spiritual perspective I had before, when I was there, when I saw the world from that viewpoint I thought checking someone out was rude, without permission.
I was ageless, sexless, non judgemental, I saw everyone as unique individuals with value and life.
Now I see myself as having gone through a change, a transition back to the way I was before.
It hurts because I am judging people, by the way they look, noticing the ways I am wrong.
Struggling to give myself a break, wondering if things will ever go back to that way.
That beautiful way that they were, when I acted as though others were my priority.
When I had confidence, to journey out and about, I wonder who I am, who I was.
I wonder about the world, I've been through things I wouldn't wish on another.
Come out the other side wondering whether there was a happy ending there.
Somewhere at the end of the journeys I was going on I thought there was.
I find myself thinking about the end of life a lot, giving others a break.
I'm too young to be thinking about death just yet, it's what happens.
What happens when we die that preoccupied me so much though.
I will have to let my anticipation build now that I'm accepting where I went wrong.
Realising the ways in which I wasn't looking after myself properly and I am now.
For the sake of others who I have to repay, have to earn and pay back kindness.
For the sake of the status quo, not rocking the boat anymore thinking I knew.
What I was doing, what it was for, where we are all going, it's a mystery.
We won't know maybe don't know for sure, maybe no-one does yet.
People I know though believe they have a line on all of this.
I thought that was what I was getting into too maybe not.
Maybe all of the things that happened were my own dreams, my own episodic anticipations of life after death, of connection and communication with dead celebrities, Bruce Lee, Terence Mckenna, magical evenings in the company of Yew trees on the full moon under the protection of mushrooms.
I hope for a review, an honest appreciation, of what went wrong and what right, I expect so...
I often wondered if our expectations, almost always wrong in life, lead us somewhere in death.
That maybe what we believed would happen when we dies would be what happened when we die.
That atheists would find nothing there, but blackness and that's it, that humanists would find the same. That anyone expecting something would get what they deserved but then we're all sinners.
I also thought that it would make sense for forgiveness to be necessary for even the worst evils.
Someone creates most wrongdoers, they were hurt, physically, mentally, made into what they were.
Or their choices carried them down whatever road it was they ended up at the end of finally.
Temptation, free will, decisions, actions, the world is such a large mess of all these.
It's not fair, by any means, good people die young and the bad ones can live.
So it could only be after all this that everyone would see a fair deal.
Or that everyone finds that there is nothing afterwards at all.
Either way, it ends when you die or there's a surprise.
I hoped the lights went on and everyone yelled...
Then they're switched off for the next in line.
Shhhh here comes another one.............
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