Two Completely Different Things

there's a chippy in brizzle called oh my cod and there's not a lot you can say these days to exclaim without someone saying oh my god and that is what i've been doing all this time trying to find out what it means to know the truth of all the internal experiences suggesting there's something to the hole i felt inside that some choose to call spirit, goddess, god and any of the other names for faith in a higher power, a lower place to go and it shows in the ways and means i've used to let all the shower of shit i've been through flow out of me and i will forever be wishing i hadn't hurt those close because of my outburts and choices but maybe one day i'll understand someone told me that i would reach nirvana but still be confused and i still am but almost past caring it's just the evidence to the contrary is not entirely persuasive so i carry on wishing for some peace of mind and finding it slowly returning now i've given everything up even striving to find answers all i want is a normal life and maybe that's the key to it all, just live here, as well as you can, maybe some more fucking and fighting would have been a better idea instead of believing whole heartedly in love and being too romantic in my ideals only to find no real love in my life except for my own insistence on ignoring my best intentions and instincts to post something or say something i would like to take back and i wrote that book that a part of me wanted to use to express some thing that i don't agree with about fucking that i would have said in terms of making love but apparently that's the same thing from two different perspective and perhaps that is what this place is after all :) + heart shape

rising up

so windy out and i caught it i saw a leaf that rose and rose
and then i thought to myself i'm the only one i suppose
saw it going up and up i'm the only one who knows
it didn't make a sound just like that tree that fell

demons run where a good man goes to war

i've screamed this out into the dark
to forces unseen and unheard so
i know what this woman means
when she says it's on so run
maybe they were not real
but it felt so at the time
tables are starting to
turn talking bout
a revolution
or we're
done
+

tracy chapman

talkin bout a revolution with that singer

or that other song about redemption

or fuck it new age ascension to a

higher dimension or a mayan

fifth sun or who knows yes

i've been out there and

dared to dream abou'

space brother and

sistas strong and

long and gone

on and on

love is

one

thing

i've not

known so

on i go to see

can i make reparation

for the things the ways that

i havent been loving all along?

can i work like stink and make it right

maybe see others have their chosen sights

yo yo dieting

they said we don't want that ready smile
they said you have done lots of bad
they said cower beneath a duvet
i said i bare my throat for the spiritual dagger
i said i will feel as though there was a snake there
i said i will wonder if it's my adrenals shutting down now
because I've been running on empty and lanes
because I've been out in the night again
because I've been staring at goats
and swearing loads and loads and not
because it took a lot to get me to lose my rag
and it's been a drag i can say that I don't take it easy
I give it hard though when push comes to shove
i was all about the goddess above and love
and then it was all demons and knives
and less about short lived lives
it ran and ran as i starved
and then overate until i was fat
and now i can't stop eating like a rat
feeling like a dog but not a star like sirius
less the wizard i was feeling like before harry
and more like a great big shaggy dog story
back to square one the magic is gone so

my subconsious reveals words like prestidigitation without trying

i'm prone to exaggeration
yes verbal prestidigitation
so i know i've done wrong.
Lied when i should have been
truthful but I've done a mixture
of being a coward and strong.
So now it's up to me to understand
similarities between a magical one
and what was never here all along.
I code this stuff because I can't write it
any other way any more except to say
that I love love and I don't know what.
Or how to get to the answers I most need
until the last day of this life has left bodily
how to know anything beyond breathing.
Is it a mistake to ask the really big questions?
Is it a mistake to trust in the answers received?
When I can't remember i before e except after c?

I can't reconcile

The difference between the two, belief and faith, the relief I feel when I have something to do
Then in those moments, watching something, and believe me even then reality has crept in
So I know that this reality check finds meor I find my reality to be a failure in every way
I go on and on remembering the incredible hell and heaven I've been though ultimately
It suggests that there are either very clever people wasting their time on me magically
Or more likely I been treading the dawn and dusk and evening and days unevenly
That's how it seems to me but then occasionally I can have a conversation in me
The answers seem to suggest there's someone else inside here with me too see
That is an uncomfortable position to be in right now or at any time of the day
Then it leads me to nervously get on with whatever is in front of me and hey
Don't let me bore you anymore with this way that I have of consistently...
Turning the focus of a chat back to me, I find I did that today again and
I'm not proud of the fact that I recognise rather than give you a chance
to have your say and explain that we're both on the same page okay
I butted in, I looked as though I wanted you to shut the fuck up so
I could say what I wanted to say and that what you need to say
Wasn't important, this is between you and I though a real one
I mean a real person I was talking to today or at and that is
Just to say that I'm beside myself trying not to be the old
me to be the new one the one who isn't eating to have
a full belly all the time for no good reason and I can't
understand why I'm doing that I can't seem to stop
I can't seem to know I don't need to eat i don't
even feel hungry perhaps I could start with
that and try to get some self control back
by not eating until i'm hungry but i panic
and find my stomach is tight i haven't
taken a breath in a while so breathe
in and then im self concious of it
again and then i breathe in once
more if i didnt i swear i might
expire like i thought i did a
few weeks ago literally
giving out my last to
breathe no more
only i thought
it was for a
good old
reason
to be
or not
to be that
is the question
whether tis nobler
in the mind to be dead
or to live and celebrate being
on this rock floating no falling through
space facing mortality and the existential
notion of what happens at the end of all of
this whatever it is because it seems so fucking
surreal to be alive at all and i'm trying to push until
someone pushes me back or to find whatever it is that
i lack because i'm more and more convinced that i'm broke
and if i am then don't try to fix me because I wouldn't accept
your help I would yelp and howl at the full moon as i shudder at
the thought of going outside, living in my caravan, in a tent away from
here is what i really wanna do go out into the wilds, make a survival attempt
live off wild food, live off donations, settle somewhere learn about nature and  live
because i've been here in this moment before nd it hurts like hell but im sleep less and more
more than the little, light sleeping because there's no zonking from weed or resin or other drugs
not 14 hours at a time or lounging around in bed for days on end because im forcing myself to do
good things around the place, set a routine, so this has been weirder in that i can't trust my eyes, ears
but this time, the things and visions i've seen like fears made manifest, made real, like holding in my piss
because im too scared to go to the toilet and disturb others who may still be sleeping when i know that when
i'm working i'll have to get up before some of them are up and make noises around the place i don't normally
eat breakfast but now i cant help myself i have to eat something right away and then i cant stop is it summat
coming out of mu muscles because recently i looked so gaunt and thin in the face that i was sure i starved
myself for a week thinking i was in no need of sustenance other than air, or for me it was called energy
and here we go again as I try to accept what has gone before only i can't deal with this idea that a
nother, another, this possiblity of having a chat in your own head with someone who stays silent
when they choose to do so, the litter around drives me crazy when i want to pick it up but
then i question the sorts of things that are around, an angry birds toy fluffy and dirty and
a sponge bob squarepants that has been ripped up to shreds the kids these days and
adults are leaving so much shit around the worlds looks like it's going to the dogs
and here I am feeling more like an animal, the time seems to have been turned
on its head, extended until theres so much of it but nothing to do and going
on and on i feel like i had energy to send to you some of your felt it i
know you did because i saw the look on your face i messaged
you and you told me it was the most wonderful thing you
ever experienced and that makes me wish i could
feel the magic but it has to leave me so that i
can just get a normal job and stay away
from dancing and prancing about
feeling like a magician without
a career a masseur who it
doesnt work for and
cant get a place
to work from
because he's
too inhibited
to do that
work so
i quit it
love
+

Faith and Belief

Faith, a big word, not that many letters but it's faith in god that drives the lives of so many in this world, it is religious faith of one kind or another, that is the moral structure behind the societies of so many countries, even the U.K. where people actually going to church is in decline and has been for so many years, personally I was baptised, when I was born and I went to a Church of England school, I sang hymns, I went to harvest festivals, I know the background of the church, a cult in the middle east, spread to the Roman Empire who took a monotheistic religion as their new faith and ran with it, all over the modern world apart from here, because a King, Henry the Eighth wanted to get divorced and it wasn't allowed in the Roman Catholic church, I think most people who live here know that much, which is why we're protestants, the cause of so much struggle and violence in Ireland for so long, the battle between those who would rather be Irish Catholics and those who would rather be Protestant members of the United Kingdom in Northern Ireland, and then we have the other faiths around the world and the list goes on as there are so many different stories.

Isn't that what they are, stories though, unless we have a personal relationship with a creator, how could we ever know the truth, feel the truth, feel that we know what will happen when we die, have any faith at all?  Isn't it most important that we treat each other with respect I know for me the morals are the most important aspect of all of these faiths, how we treat each other whatever faith we are or if we are of no faith and believe that we only have this one life.  I don't know the answer, it must be one of the greatest questions in this world.  The one question that has so many answers and yet it is up to each of us as individuals to choose.

Do we die forever and there is nothing after this?

Why should we behave well in this life?

It ought to be obvious that we should treat others well, when we lived in small groups, if you did not treat others well, you would end up with no-one to look out for you, everyone had a role, now the planet has so many people that you can move around and find somewhere new to live, we don't have such strong tribal ties, we can and do move around looking for work, the mass migration that is happening now is only a symptom of the struggle many people find themselves with now to avoid war and violence in their home countries, I guess this sort of thing is boring to many, it's interesting to me to get back to thinking of the world as merely a rock falling through space, rather than the magical mystical things I've been thinking about for so long, getting caught up in a quest for spiritual truth only to find myself lost in my own world of made up lies, feeling as though I were something I am not, realising that whatever I do from now on there are ways to do live that give us a natural high and believe me I've been here before, there's almost nothing worse than an ex smoker, an ex druggie, they're hard to be around, an ex drinker, since I don't drink heavily, it's hard to be around your social group if they drink, do drugs, smoke cigarettes, it smells, they find it hard not to tempt you back into their ways of enjoying themselves, and that is what they are doing, enjoying themselves, unless it's an addiction, they are improving their experience, they are taking something to get past their inhibitions and in many cases, as much as I don't want to put anyone down, they're getting off their faces, literally losing themselves, having many drinks and then drugs which actually puts them in a state where they don't know what they're doing, may not remember much about it afterwards and don't actually know where they are or what's going on, it's a tough one, to be in this situation again, looking down on folks I loved to spend time with and I don't want to do that but it's a fine line between mere enjoyment and improving a good situation, making it even better, and from there to the place where you're just unaware of the world around you.

Inside though they may be having a good time, I don't think I really did it as much as some, I didn't really feel as though I was pushing as hard as many of the folks I've seen, maybe it's a delayed reaction for me, because it's all come on at once, several months after, after not having done anything for weeks and weeks, suddenly all my bad trips come home in one fell swoop and all my romantic fantasies and nightmares, and all the thoughts I would rather not think, and all the most darkest aspects of reality seem to be coming for me.

It's flipping scary he says coming back to the person who is well mannered, says please and thankyou, is trying to work out where I went wrong, looking back at a diary from 1995 and remembering much but also spotting how little I remember of those days, how much more went on than I realised, how different the times, how different I was, I phoned people, i had a huge social life, but I also went from one extreme to the other, I found the winters hard, quiet, the summers frantic, busy, my calendar full, I've seen the difference between my memory and I saw someone describe the past recently as stories we tell ourselves, well my stories were wrong, or at least had very little information in them, I've seen the written accounts and they don't tally with what was in my head, but then it's 21 years since then and I can see why things have changed.

It's a very sobering experience to see why I've been so weak, how I've failed, why I need to be strong from now on, how I can work hard to come back to some semblance of who I was back then only a better me.

That's the hope, that's what's necessary, the fear I have about the ways and things that have caused me to come back to this place and situation, knowing what I've written may scare people, I've managed I hope not to do so in a public way as I did before on at least one occasion, luckily for me, I didn't feel like I should push against my own natural internal safety valve and post things to social media that I knew I shouldn't.

Spiritual or Technological or a little of both or neither...

All the options, is it a spiritual crisis, a spiritual emergency, an emergence into the truth of life, spirituality
Is it technology, some kind of governmental agency, a secret dark, so called black project, a conspiracy
Is it sheer madness, insanity, is it ever right to be a little or a lot paranoid when it seems right to be just so
Is there a real reason for the ways in which I thought it was all over probably too soon but it starts again...

A song stuck in my head after days of not really having an issue, thoughts that suggest it aint over till they say
Who are they, this conversation that I thought was spiritual lead me to behave in ways that hurt real people
I was behaving out of my mind, literally not able to remember the course of events, saying untruths daily
living a lie that I was going somewhere, to live somewhere, with some people I'd only spoken to in my head and all I can think is that my computer was hacked, things happening in the environment of where I live suggesting not just me is cracked, other people behaving strangely, things going on in the house and then the thought comes to mind, someone here is doing these things, but you know it's wrong to think like that of others, when it's only you that is suffering this way, don't project it out onto others who are just doing their best to cope with someone clearly going through a very tough time and scared enough now to straighten up and fly right and not do anything that would bring on another episode of whatever it is that's been going on, trying to do the right thing, get up early keep good habits, get back into the work arena so I pay my way, save up, get my life back, get a life, try to find good habits to keep, new hobbies to take up my time, because I can see all the things that might have given me pleasure in the past that were hidden by my strong desire to feel like someone or something special when it comes to spirituality, it can become an obsession. 

For someone who may or may not have aspects of ocd and I can only talk about me, not wanting to suggest or include others in this diatribe about the transcendent, the ascension idea or us all becoming one conciousness in a year or two or maybe less, that was the idea, that was the scope of my prophesy I figured it was all going to be done and dusted by 2018 or that was what had come to me, I thought by 2017 we'd be over the worst and world peace was going to be breaking out, by spring this year, my instinct was that something worldwide in nature, like timetravel, aliens on the whitehouse lawn, an obvious sign of a new way for us all to live and be together as one species, as one life, as animals with enough intelligence to treat all life with respect and here's me with a load of rubbish lying around in the garden that should go to the tip, should be recycled or binned and it all goes to land fill in the end, or gets burnt so how does that sit with this person who can't even stick at a job long enough to do the right thing by the people in my life who have always been there for me?  Round and round and the reality is so much more comforting now, just being a normal person, no healing, no shamanic dancing at raves, no travelling all over, no spending all my money that way, stay at home until you find work, work your arse off you lazy fuck, think about how lucky you are, what you've got.

Be real, look at what is infront of you, at least another day and maybe a few years, maybe decades yet now that again once more you're convinced that smoking isn't a good idea, eating better is a good one, occasionally a treat here and there, do the right thing by those who have been there for you, wonder why you ever thought you had some kind of destiny other than to find something to do that pays your way, lower your expectations, to what you can see around you, worry less, stress less, work harder, do chores, for fucks sake it's not rocket science, you can't spend all your time on spiritual videos and internet stuff, when you don't even pay the bills, sell stuff that you don't need and give the money away, get some kind of realism into your every day, focus on the time you have now, not what's ahead or behind, work your arse off boy...

Coming face to face with yourself

It isn't a nice feeling to see what you are really like and find that person wanting, in so many respects, to see yourself as you really are, finally, or properly for the first time, to have been accused of so many things, to get to what you have done, to cry for hours on end, feeling as though you have been scraped like the proverbial barrel until you expect there to be nothing left and indeed there is nought but the deepest darkest aspects, the shadow self, the true self, the one that you have never encountered before but is at the heart of everything you do, and then you see the truth of who you are, who you've been, what you've done, whether others were aware of it or not, and you realise that should be the case, it's my conscience, I have to live with this stuff revealed not others.

You've been round and round the houses, round everyone you know, demonising all of them in turn, one after the other, as groups, of old friends, the people you used to hang out with, over and over the same ground, sometimes feeling as though they were trying to help you to grow and learn and change and choose a better way for yourself, one that this part of you that has been revealed rebels against, go out into the woods, lay on the cold hard ground, shiver and shake and I try to compromise with my caravan or bedroom but that's a pine lined room of furniture how will your spirit ever return to you in there, this spiritual warfare goes on as I shudder and shake and lay underneath the covers sweating profusely hiding from imagined spiritual daggers aimed at my heart, poison tipped.

I'm tight lipped about all this for the whol period of several weeks that in my own estimation is 6 now 8 now 10 but could actually only be as little as half that, when I count things that regularly go on and assume I've gotten it all wrong because time has become so flimsy, hours pass by in an instant, five minutes in the blink of an eye, soaking in the bath, going under to be as Harry Potter because between him, Doctor Who and Luke Skywalker I've got these three great examples in my life and others of magical mystical things, archetypes, and others of course, god, the devil, the goddess as I had come to know here in my mind as I wrote that book and then deny it all, decry it all seeing it as mostly nonsense not a work of legend as I believe I may have called it at one point.

Now we're into six lines three times above, heavens above, I actually went out at night, or when it was still dark and I saw lights on at the place up the road when there definitely should NOT NOT NOT have been, groups of folks of a spiritual persuasion are out to help me, then get me when my confessions are complete or at least ongoing, and i see those light have gone out, NOW THAT'S a waking dream, a living nightmare, I carry on down that road, lane and I see a blinking light like it's there behing the wall, in a gap, in the field, I'm supposed to go over there and see what that light is, it's tiny, like a keyring torch, and I can't call its bluff this time so I wander along the lane and when I get to a better place to see what's what it's gone of course, so I know these are delusions.

No illusions, I've seen this kind of thing before, on a mushroom trip when there is more than enough scope for suggestions to be added to what you are seeing, I said I'm closing my eyes, when I open them I expect to see the Matrix, I know it's tired not tried and tested but I saw it, I saw black everywhere with green lettering coming down as though it was an old computer screen from the late eighties, early nineties, i closed my eyes again and said ok now everything is back to normal again, and of course it was so how open to suggestion, post hypnotic or otherwise are we?  How much of this place is really really real and how much of it is merely a joke?  Well don't let me make you think this has been funny, I can only say how incredibly well others have taken it but it was shocking...

It has been overwhelmingly uncomfortable for those around me and I get scared to say or write too much because this is private, their reaction to my actions is private, I don't even want to open it up again to ask but then I did just to see and let them know how much I feel for them, how much this process, this hurting me that is hurting you has opened me up to quite how closed off I've been in the past and it makes me gasp, it makes me remember times like this of the past, similarities but I know this has been the worst and it's scared me enough to make sure I straighten up and fly right but this shadow fucker is making me eat like that Adam bloke, me versus food, bad versus good, the negajon is much in attendance and I don't want to be the smirking devilish little fucker I've bin. BELIEVE!

So what's to be done, I've escaped medication again, I don't want counselling, I know what I've done and what I haven't and I feel as though as my opponents gradually became myself and whatever, whoever it was this informational source was, literally I was asking questions and the answers were coming back, now if I've splintered myself into several pieces, or not been clever enough to know how to treat oneself when coming down from being God which is what I remember of the thing that started all this and my innocence and utter rediculousness when it comes to drug experiences, I say yes too easily, I'm too open, now I have to be closed off like fuck and trap and treat myself as though I do give a flying fuck about everyone else, I'm scared enough never to do healing again and no drugs.

I woke at 6:16 this morning, my gmail account when I registered for email was myname666@gmail.com i fucking nearly fainted and got so panicked that that random, completely random I can tell you picked account was enough to have me sweating several years ago and wrangling like fuck to get it changed, I even changed the account I write my blog because they had become connected and then those numbers are just numbers aren't they?  I know people who say those are the numbers of the goddess, that may have been my own assertion, my own insertion into this plot because deja vu at one point of the last few weeks madness and insanity was that each person as I have suggested is revealing the final battle between good and evil within their own hearts, gute and minds right now.

I felt as though I was a christ not THE christ, and that this battle was between myself and whatever you want to call the other one, the bad one, I felt as though I was letting it, had let it in, for a quick look see around inside of me before letting it out again, whilst leaving a little something on the side, roaming around to have a good check right into the very heart of me and i didn't like it one bit but then I knew I was less scared of doing something to someone else and far more desperate at times to bash my own head in, not literally, but occasionally I punched myself in the head, just a bit, or cried out, screamed out, shouted at no-one in my mind only to find of course that was enough to let it all out, whatever was in there at the time and the pains in my body oh my goodness.

Pains in my heels as though pins were being driven into them, or into a voodoo doll of me, bring it on I deserve it, kill me, I've said that a few times, asked God to finish me off, please jsut let me die, I know asking that can be tempting fate but it didn't work, of course not that would be too easy, too simple, I always come back to what I used to do in Broadmead in Bristol, walk around thinking to myself I'm glad I'm me, look at all these other fuckers here, when I see them I realise I'm lucky to be me right now, lately that's been a bit of a bastard bargain, I still would rather be me and save someone else from being whatever is left at this point because I know I'm letting all the fragile friendships I have left atrophy and die, keep away I'm not sure how I will behave.

Over the last few weeks it has felt as though everyone was out to get me, everyone I've ever met and everyone I've never met, and all these lines come back at me as though from people I have said or written them to, all aspects of my mind are there to talk to me, and conversations have gone on in my mind as though I was talking to somebody else, and in such a way that it makes it clear I could not be just having a one sided, two sided chat with another part of me, or could I, with the subconcious, what I saw as the conduit between life and death, the imagination, the barrier between the me here and the thems over there on the other side of life as a medium does, they talk to guides and they allow their subconcious to take on feelings, physicality, symptoms, accents sometimes.

I've seen it when I used to reguarly visit a spiritualist church, and even they got the brunt of my wrath but my fear that they were somehow up to something the first time I went, something in my mind said, you're gonna get your heart cut out, they're bad folk, which of course they weren't but I'm guessing that was the part of me that i've been seeing lately again, the part that fears having itself seen clearly that part that keeps telling me under the radar, under my concious level of hearing, under the level of thoughts, taking over the frightened animal part that takes flight rather than stands up for a fight and now that's where I am again facing the fact that I'm the bravest little coward I know, I've been out in the pitch dark, I flit from fight to flight, I ran like the wind for once.

For the first time in a long time it felt good but I had barely eaten for about a week if not more, believing I was breathing and living on mere energy, no need to feed the body, i became gaunt I've been there before, opening up a wound and a lie, and then I get all these things coming clearly to my mind, stop publicly saying things that you shouldn't even if you think you are being clever and guarded or secretive and using a code, or just not using names, because you're making a fool of yourself and probably hurting others like that and my online presence gets a battering and magically we lose our phone line and broadband and things are being moved around inside the home, so much so that I think it's me, or then others, telling me something, but I know now that it isn't them at all.

I hear from others that are into this whole spirituality things, I see how much they are suffering, going through their own shadow work, seeing this reality as maleable too, working through whatever it is that now makes them look a whole lot less than a shaman but much more like a crazy person, and that is how I have been led to feel, maybe that's true it certainly is for those around me and I know I can't have this affecting them any more so I'm afraid enough to tie my hands behind my back and all those failed attempts to leave and not come back without saying goodbye or even with a goodbye and a kiss given, they just made it certain at least for me that I have to straighten up and fly right while I'm here, I wouldn't let me go anywhere soon, even though I ache to go travelling but no.

I've gotta earn and learn all over again, I've got to save like fuck, pay my way, rebuild my shattered life again, never ever do drugs again although that's the ironic thing.  I was so on the path already, had already weaned myself off the harder stuff, wasn't doing that anyway.  But coming off was obviously worse this time than ever before, because I did all of it together, nicotine and don't want to belabour these points, im no shaman, never was but I felt like a medicine man, or at least a healer, I was concentrating on me, making sure that before I gave out energy again to others that I had done some serious work on healing me, so maybe and I hope, my fervent hope is that I can do this work, eat well, sleep well which I am much better than before I can tell you, oversensitive though.

Highly sensitive thankyou Elaine Aaron, you wrote the book on that kind of thing, and I'm fucking irritated by the deafness of those around me, my hearing and all senses primed and alive, and well, and all the competing noises well let's just say I think a town would have me far more doolally, but the constant clearing of your throat, the affectation as I see it, I'm sorry if that's a judgement because I know I've been making far too many of those, looking at the reasons for the things I think about others, from  third person perspective, that fucking rolling machine, squeaks like a fucker and it makes me wonder are you doing that to annoy me, so much ME ME ME MEANESS coming from me, judging others, taking things so fucking personally, so many loud noises, but I do all of those things.

Every judgement comes back to me, you can't say you don't judge others unfavourably, going back over the ways and decisons I made in the past, I want to leave and live somewhere off grid, or fucks sake, go back to nature, eat herbs, eat raw and wild and free, herbally heal myself but find I can't seem to kick my choccie fucking biscuit habit, eating so much I've ballooned from nothing to fat face in a few weeks, I can't stop fucking filling my face, my stomach barely gets a chance to say hey I'm hungry, not munchies but greedy bastard eat whatever you can get your hands on and it's not funny but for some reason there's a smile on my face more lately even though I know what I'm writing about ain't fucking funny, like a touch of evil is what I was hearing in my mind, in my thoughts.

All sorts of other voices that it couldn't possibly have been were telling me all sorts of directions to go in, head here, there every fucking where and I did but the lift, the rescue never came, I got places, and I'm ashamed and scared to admit I have missing time and that's the scariest part because the dictionary definition for that kind of thing is psychoses and psychotic is the word you used, I'm not saying who but I wasn't making sense, I was standing around for long periods having conversations in my head, like I used to with the moon, asking what's my next step and the Moon of course would tell me what I already knew, and in the end I asked that big round, full faced, skull in the sky on the one night of the month that we would meet together to chat, you're me aren't ya? begrudgingly...

It said yes, in my mind, in my thoughts, it said yes, and believe me I've been there before, realising I've done wrong, pushed the limits, asked a little too much of myself, usually when I'm skint and got no weed, and just done three bags full, that's a coloquialism for three smokes in a row and i don't mean joints, I mean three huge bongs, one, then two, then three, usually blagged but free and as I wandered back home i felt a psychotic hand on my shoulders lifting me up, stand up straight you little fucker was the point of the lesson, goddess, god going for fucks sake your positioning, come on what's the word, I used to say this into the ears of the women I would massage, you're amazing, you ought to be proud, lift your head up, don't look down, you're a good person.

So tomorrow it starts all over again and it might come back to me because let's face it this fugue is over ish, little bits of hangover as I realise I need to straighten up and never fly again, no more lsd, no more weed, some cbd would be nice, i know that's the most natural anti psychotic around, won't be able to go partying for a long time and no festivals I just can't risk it, even though I know I was starting to go to sleep at them because I was tired not wired because I was taking progressively less and less drugs, less and less alcohol and certainly never driving unless I was completely safe to do so for others aswell as me so I know the journey I was on, what's that word pretend you can remember it, go on, it's on the tip of my tongue, your POSTURE! I had to ask one.

Had to go and ask someone and that's come up, my communication skills are shocking, and I wonder was there a factional reserve banking aspect to this whatever it is, whatever has been unlocked, this comfort eating uncomfortable around people in strange circumstances person who has strived, striven, stroved to work on that, become more comfortable in such placees again or for the first time, was I holding on to a lot of anger because I didn't want to turn out like someone else who seems to have too much, or was my fear of becoming too much like someone turn into a real danger of becoming so, that played a very large part in what had transpired over the last few months and I'm going to say that because I can't pinpoint the reasons or the timeline just looking back I see things.

Like beards, whether full on and grizzly adams or chin type beards, goatees, moustaches I've had the lot and for no good reason really, no movember, no charity work although I've been giving more and more to charity in the recent past and all these things that I  haven't gone into yet, such as the romantic fantasies that once again lead me to believe I was moving out, going travelling with folks I haven't spoken to in weeks or months, no reason to believe such nonsense, addresses in my head that probably even exist i've been to one in the past after a good two, three hours cycling into town, to arrive at an address that my higher self, or instincts told me was where a loved one would be waiing for me, only to find I was facing my fear of meeting someone that meant so much to me.

When I got there, number 23 wasn't in evidence, the road was, the other houses were there, I'd even checked online on google earth, google maps whatever it is, but that particular house did not exists so I knew I'd taken myself on a totally wild goose chase and thankfully this time I didn't even make it into town, to frighten the living whatsits out of whoever lives at the addresses I was given, wherever they were, I can't remember now but vaguely I'm sure they came out of the sub - un - concious made concious to me, not heavenly at all but a growth process nonetheless if I survive this part and I surely will as I know I'm not and never have been desperate enough to be out of my mind enough to actually do something stupid like suicide, it's cowardly and brave at the same time.

I think that is true, it takes a lot to get past the animal survival instinct and that's the level we are talking about here, I've been out in the wilds, in the night, in the day, for hours and hours without food or water and managed quite comfortably thankyou, just hungry, what money I had was change enough for some crisps, a free pint of water in a pub, but generally I was on a high at the start and later fat reserves gone, slowly feeling the wooziness of low energy because I've had to face my own mortality and not in a real way but lowly and accepting what I've put others through hurts more than my teeth feeling the cold now, threats were made against my entire family but in my head, and then I gradually realised I could call the bluff of whatever it was inside me or outside.

That's the bitch of all this, i hear high pitched sounds as though my hearing is adjusting to things outside, or sounds coming in and I've been there before suggesting that those are higher frequencies to be tuned in, turn off your brains chatter, tune into what is out there, drop out of normalised so called civilised society that is detroying the planet one more good little consumer as a time and look upon the type of people who choose to live another way as those who can afford it, those who know the devalue of mind numbing spirit crushing game shows, those who choose to live in nature not stepping on her, crushing her under the weight of our misuse of the few resources left, let's dig them up wherever we can find them, blinded in so many ways no sermon here i'll get distracted again.

Comes round and round to spirituality not religion, spiritual not religious that became a new option on online questionnaires and I hear again that bloke speaking too loud, to himself wondering is that my fate, or is it all for show because I know I do that too, I've seen a million different me's, not that many but we both like to exaggerate and my subconcious is open again, I can go through the phonetic alphabet that I learnt for my security work and then do it backwards and without thinking too much so I'm grounding it all out, this barrel and i'm quite a fat faced little fucker again, not the gaunt one who threw down the gauntlet to the medical profession and said maybe i won't take your pills or offers of help for another little while but thanks for the advice again.

Nature is it, took my top off to get some rays today, finding less and less things to do around the place again, have to get back on the road again but this time it's going to be to go it alone in the wilderness, and maybe who knows, visit a load of the places I've put off, I'm going to ride a flipping horse this year, I have to do that, it's bucket list and this thing that's happened to me has revealed all sorts of other me's that I don't like but don't have to be, other wolves, one, two, three, other sheep, meek me's the ones that are polite, where did they go, why don't my manners come through anymore?  Say Please and thankyou, and why weren't you?  So many other things that I could be doing instead of dancing to a regular beat in a club I can dance on the beach and so I will thankyou.

Avoidance Strategies

Avoidance strategies and never having those thoughts that have made sense if only in my head, I left myself behind a long time ago and as some have said, self medicating with cannabis can be, when it's an every day thing, a habit, an addiction, a way of shutting down the mind from having to think, you just act in the moment, react, you don't have a chance to dream of the future or cope or work out how you will live one day, dream even of what you would like to do with your life, all you have in front of you is the next few minutes and so my life was like that, i would spend all the money I had now, screw tomorrow, screw anyone else, never thinking of the consequences of my action, turning into the kind of selfish brain dead fuckup I would never have recognised if it weren't for the times recently when I have been clear headed and even those just make me wonder what I've been doing for so long, looking back for the first time in so many years, asking then answering questions, over and again as it seemed like others, who I now believe were me, or aspects of me, I hope I pray that's the case, don't know if you out there, believe in spirits for good or for bad, what is the truth of the great spirit, grandfather and grandmother as the native americans would say, pacha mama as the indians of the south americas would call her, mother nature, gaia the energy of the planet, the holy spirit as it is known in the christian tradition, is it one thing with many names?  Is it good to those who are good and bad to those who are bad, or treats us all fairly and why do I keep hearing high pitched noises in my ears?  Every now and again, my hearing seems so acute, so much better than those around me, who are to some extent surely deaf, from old age that is true, or busy noisy work environments, but I thought so was I until I heard things so loudly and clearly just in the last few days and weeks, a wood pecker, the sound so clear and crisp sounding so loud, horses a hundred yards away and yet I can hear their hooves as if they were almost on top of me, is that adrenaline, is that cortisol, am i stressed out, feeling so primal that i'm closer to an animal these days?  I can't reconcile all the different things that have gone on and I look back through posts I've posted, things I wrote that seemed to make sense at the time, through old photographs, speaking to someone to open up the recent past even though I feel like that might be hurtful to do which is why I didn't ask until lately...

So I know that I can't let things get as bad as they have been over the last several weeks and looking back whose to say it hasn't been since the turn of the new year, or as far back as december, or let me put it this way, if the voice, inspiration, instinct in my head was with me, in a very real sense to me, as far back as that spiritual experience I was asking for and got in 2009, and since then has seemed so sublime but then I wake hearing my name and wonder should I call out, I don't in this case, just the other day, I thought better of it, if it's someone close, they will call my name again, but if I should call out I may wake others, laying in bed until I'm desperate for a wee, knowing lately I've been rising at all sorts of times and hearing things spoken that suggested i should leave the home, don't wanna keep going over what I've written in the last two, three posts, just wanna get it all out, in the way that I do, flowing like this, typing quite rapidly, so it becomes a river, an ocean of conciousness, a stream of thoughts and hopefully feelings because I know how much I've stressed out and worried others but never actually said to them I'm sorry for what I did.

Sorry and thankyou

as a memory of those things that have come to me that I didn't do at the time

I didn't say sorry for being greedy because I thought I had some shamanic, medicine man, healer need or right to be greedy when it came to certain things last summer and maybe those I should have apologised to will not read this, likely not I would have thought, I should have said something at the time instead of leaving it to being said in front of those who may not have passed it on, it takes a while for me to process things, and come back, to looking back and wondering if I did the right thing at the right time, I've gone over every aspect of my life, as though it were in review and I have found myself wanting in so many ways, over these days as though I were preparing for my last ones, really feeling as though they ought to be in some respects.

It's hard not to go through what I've been through and not see the times and tides of life passing me by because I haven't done so many of the things that others have, and so many things I have done just didn't take others into account and now so greedy even though I've noticed it it's like being a kleptomaniac I just can't stop eating, whatever I think will not be missed and it's hurting because I know the right thing to do is not to, not to sneak around, finding justifications to make that it is ok, that will be thrown away, that needs using up, oh my goodness, I'm just struggling to control myself, feeling as though I know at the time it's not right to eat everyone else out of house and home, don't do that, self control coming back or at least less panic, because that is what it is, panicking, feeling like this is my last day, what would I do if this was it?

If you treat every day as if it was your last how would you live it?  Not because I'm going to do something, oh no, I'm not desperate enough to do that, feeling as though all the things that were going in with me were projections out into the world, as though, mentors were testing me, and including the fantasy that Aleister Crowley was along with me on at least one of those walks out into the dark of the winter nights, as a tiny little figure on my foot, to be crushed like a leprecaun, I know how it sounds, now it's laughable, maddening, crazy and I know that now but I was swept away at the time by what I thought was a relationship worth following, worth honouring, so leave that where it was and go back to reality, oh there's go rabbit, lose yourself in the music, the moment, bitch you better never let it go, you only got one chance, do not let it go to waste, making up my own lyrics to songs, as people do, seeing so many things coming online as though I can be more like the other folk I've met, seeing people on t.v. and thinking i recognise them, knowing I've been through times recently where I was convinced I was seeing people from my past, in situation where they couldn't possibly be, an old work mate driving a van passed me on the main road, an old teacher, still looking the same as he did twenty years ago which he couldn't possibly be still the same man in the same condition.

Thankyou to those folks who have taught me so much about hospitality, about family, about unconditional love and I see it more and more in the ways in which  I am misbehaving and being put up with...

My stomach is full and I am empty of answers just all I know is that I feel like I should go for a walk.

sighting sacred sites

Walking, talking, not to a person but to yourself, in your head and then you realise it's been a very long time since you knew what it was like to be alone in there, to mull things over without constant recrimination, explanations going on, the feeling that you are being watched all the time, and at times it was like as if an alien species, invisible was there, probing my withered battered mind and then the neuro plasticity, the civilisation within a town called the brain that comes back again, confidence springs and I recall walking into a local market town, seeing the sight of the sun seemingly so high for the time of year in the direction that I would expect it to have sunk already but then I haven't walked in that area for a long time, or at this time of year so I get confused and the fantasies in your mind or mine at least suggest that everything has become switched around, north is south, east, west, etc, all these things going on as I circle and circuit the shops and the places I have worked and been before hoping not to arouse some kind of suspicion that i'm up to anything other than feeling as though there is a reason I need to get away from home again, so I've walked the main road, then lanes, then around and around the town, half voleying a one pound coin across the street in an instant of instinct, wandering into the lobby of the pub, hotel, restaurant, thinking I should get a room for the night, get some decent sleep, squander some money on that, is it bipolar, don't they rashly waste money, no lose sexuality for me mind you although that isn't necessarily the case with all those who suffer, and on it goes, as I show my woes in public but hopefully seem fairly normal, I wander right back out again and in the direction of home, I wont mention the rest of the story here as I don't wish to name names again, or speak to the ways I doubt the veracity of what I was told, that might mean it's more like paranoia, instead of the pronoia I've said about in the past, how positive I was feeling for so long, maybe that was a nice period before this nasty one, weeks of accusations coming into my mind, characters, people I've known in the distant and recent past, all coming to speak to me in my head and suggest that I've done something, some of it is true and I'm disgusted and utterly ashamed but it's only the weakest of them, the least of those cases unexplained, the ones I know I have done but never realised until now the negativity they explain, or the ways in which what I thought at the time was not right, and again and again I see the utter mysteriousness of truth and light and life, that I could think right was wrong, wrong, right, justifications mean nothing if they aren't coming from the correct place, my face cut by brambles after a nightime mission to run like I haven't in years, ending in my trainers getting very muddy, one of whom comes off my foot as I sprint because I believe I'm being tested in some way for a good reason by those unseen, unmet, as yet, if ever, my mind incredible in its capability to create a firm and consistent narrative, as though the waking world was the dream world and vice versa, dreams becoming so real, those characters, from school days vivid and then someone from my past, conversation going on all the time.

So where do we go from here?  Does it all just fade out again?  Like the song goes and songs have been repeating again like before but apprently that's the score for some, ear worms, for days or weeks, doesn't it drive you mad, when they hit me I take them personally, as though they have a message for me, and they keep on coming thick and fast, but not the same ones, or t.v. theme tunes as in the past, that other year, I wonder, as I age surely my brain should be getting worse, the duration I take to have been similar, I know I didn't feel as though I smiled for around 3 months, and I surely had no sexual desire for that long, this time, it was as though someone was telling it not to be more than a shrivelled johnson, americanisms common to the questioning over my sexual history like im lead in a grave, although its in or on top of my bed, to shiver and shake like a scientologists energy testing regime only here I am guessing there's a camera on me, with the permission of the other people in the house, to check me out, then it's back to spirituality as the cause and means for this whole thing, away from the unlikely and then obviously crazt notion that there's a camers in the heater when i look it's a cheap thing with a light on but only a fan, so why won't I look in that direction?  Looking there's obviously nothing there that could capture my image, as it goes on and on it comes around to those closest to me rather than those who are far away, but in contact none the less, nonetheless, my mind coming back to me, as though a fugue state is lifting and im fucking wishing for some explanation again, reaching out, trying to let anyone who contacts me at least know that im suffering and wont be around for a while, in the past I got scared I would never see friends again, this time I took it onboard that perhaps I shouldnt care about me, kill me, let me die, that would be the best thing for everyone, at least that way it's a selfless thing, i don't care if I'm not getting out and about, seeing friends, this way im away from temptations, old habits dying easier now I know, feel as though I can't daren't fail to quit all sorts of things, this way im being less selfish and less insistent that I need to get out to see folk.

This time I've seen the ways in which my need to publically speak is wrong, my feeling that to express stuff in a public forum is wrong, to put in a crappy code or is such a way that names aren't names, or alluding to things instead of saying stuff to folk in person, you really need to improve on those communication skills, I know I do but whatdya gonna do?  When you've gotten by without for so long, 43 now, 42 seemed like the answer to life the universe and everything, and there was no pain for so many weeks, not physically, adrenaline was so ripe and ready and full on within my system that my throat felt as though it was throbbing, at times it felt like a snake was wrapped around there, adrenals are there are they not, glands, an asp was what i was told as i went through all sorts of fantasies of spiritual, and biblical natures, I actually heard what i thought was a snake in the dark in my caravan but my bag baby is to take it on, to let it do its worst, I've faced down, or at least faced away from the devil in the past, stove my head in, whatever you choose to do is ok by me, i will never renounce love, or believe that anyone is loving me but then how can I not when I see it every day, anyone else would have gotten shot of me so long ago if they did not, but do I love anyone at all did I ever do?  I felt as though I was coming into my own, capable of feeling it and expressing it, i've written it and meant it for the first times, whispered it when i meant to spit it out, say it aloud, say I love you, I love you, elephant juice, mouth it across a room.  Then I see this as a balancing act as though, later than so many, most if not all others, is there a chance that between the drowt, the doubt and the trout pout that maybe this could be the making of me, finally, but that's never the priority, I just want to work again, save up, pay off the little debt I have in a society whose lives are owned by the banks and whose houses own them too, mort gaged, sage advice would have been to have saved half my wages in the past, don't go, backwards never, forwards ever as told to me by a wise man.

Does this go anywhere near to telling the tale of the days gone by, when at first if I can even recall it with any certainty there was a day when I was still dressed from the night before, or barely ready for work at all, when the knock on the door was too early and I wasn't in any fit state, I had already told the person I was leaving soon, but then why?  What were my plans back then, did I have any real ones, was i already well into these missions for my goddess, who I wrote the book for, was that a part of me, apart from me, who can say, we're getting into foreign and scary daring territory here, possesion being nine tenths of the law and mine being a time scale and a scaly beastly tale to tell, is there a god, a devil, the words were said, authorities involved, I have to at least mention some of what has transpired, no chemical hammers taken as prescribed, lies told, or mistakes retold as the truth, no i never took any.  I was never prescribed anything other than sleeping pills, perhaps my lifestyle, my belief in spirituality, the ocd coming out, the thoughts that can be ascribed to that sort of thing, not here this time, I don't look at a sheep behind and think cock on lad, which ugly thoughts can be the case in some ocd type miscalculations and misdirected aberrations, the weird behaviour of others, makes mine seem ok in some ways and scary to behold but maybe it's not that surprising but makes me worry what i've got is catching or that the whole damn world is going to hell in a handbasket, luckily no-one is saying things like crazy, mad, etc etc, to hear those words so oft used, in common language when you're going through this kind of shit hurts deeply, but they're not thinking, just using the vernacular, but then it's how often the hell word is used, what in the hell do you mean by that?  How often is heaven names, in heavens name, or earth, what on earth are you getting at, that would be better, we say the words, for christs sake, for gods sake, i choose not to use those names, i say for goodness sake when I can unless pressed into some kind of sacred service, which is what I had hoped i was for, in service to my fellow beings was what I was choosing to give my life for, dancing around the sacred sights of old.

Then I watch a film about 'the man from earth', who having lived for thousands of years gets caught up in stories and times gone by  including the biblical tale itself, and I was a cross between those and doctor who, a very present legend within my own life, wandering in the countryside a few weeks ago, after leaving i walked the lanes desperate to head in one direction or another, treating what was going on in my mind, as real as anything you can touch, after stepping in front of someone to protect them from an invisible person, I know how this seems, how it reads, how it feels to have treated my own delusions, my dreams as real, they were to me, my only hope is that this is the sort of thing that is usually medicated, predicated on the idea that this is madness, we make folks take pills rather than let these things play out which is what I'm doing, to see if the scraping of my barrel leads me somewhere good, maybe it does, maybe it doesn't we shall see, let's see what happens over the next few weeks, months, years as I try once again to rebuild my life, looking for work, knowing I've left it late in life to do these tests and trials, knowing this may be a sign of a worsening of my experiences, setting in stone what was before merely a chance to see what life can be like when looking into the yawning grave, and gravely I must say I feel for those who have been caught up in this period of my life, the connections I've made and lost, the friends, colleagues, I left without saying goodbye, because I'm a coward that way, bravely stepping out into the night over these weeks gone by, back to up to ten weeks now since this started, sad that we parted, now seeing the things that seemed right as wrong, he mind games going on inside were mere fantasties, overlaid onto what those aspects of my real life said, I can see how clever and creative the mind is, because I know now how many of the threats to my person and those around me have been called as bluffs and no-one has been hurt but it's lead me to look back into the book I wrote, the statuses and things I've revealed, the wounds inside and out that I may not have healed because I never said anything, like so many of those situations go, people don't speak up, they expect things to go without saying, maybe you think it should all be well understood, or it hurts to make the mouth noises.

All I know is that on several occasions and one in particular, no two now that I think of it, I felt energy between you and I.

So I have to get ahold of myself, get the strength of character back now that I've been ground down to zero from a hero as such.

I have to see what kind of self control can be found now that I seem to have so little, my appetite is huge and desperate, panic.

Panic, clumsiness, fraught, calm sought, breathe slow and deep, all my advice of the past what little wisdom I had given out gone.

It all goes in this process of losing myself, gaining a little of what others have given me, seeing them in me, holding on for dear life in the way that these things go, it would almost give me more succour if only I did not have those times when I felt energy before knowing it was there, when I close my eyes and draw my hands together, palms flat I feel it before they touch and go on.

I could go on and on, but I will not until I can know that what has been over the past few weeks is a good thing.  Don't take it too seriously except that I've given others serious cause for concern but they all seem so ok with it, as though it's just the way I am.

Facing the shadow side of me, colourfully, asking now for the strength and visions not to end, I will remember my dream I say before I go to my bed, breathe slow and deep, do not damage my calm again, no more panicking, no more becoming self concious of my breath but then that is what I have always suffered with so am I not just accepting the ways I was different from the start and then proceeding to do the hardest work of all, to go so deep into who I really am that I find disgusting and dangerous aspects that most deny and were trapped there, within the shadow of the self, denied, and decried, and fuck me have I cried, so hard, emotion raw and then numb again just like I was for years because everything went onto the back burner, so much of my past set free, so I can see the good memories.

I want nothing more than to go on the road for the rest of my days, seeing the ways in which I could and should and will live closer to the land, learning more about wild food, wearing shoes and socks less and less to connect to the earth, a dearth of bills and debts, if it's about a happy life then surely that would be the best, to continually wash in cold clean fresh waters because that is good for you, to wild swim to get a layer of fat close to the skin, to eat iodine rich seaweed, be a hunter gatherer, or at least a gatherer of knowledge close to nature which is the only thing we can truly say is the source of our power and love, it is us, we it.

Spiritual Rollercoaster Ride

I saw a star in the night sky, with lines coming off it as though it were a crystaline entity, coming towards me after winking and blinking several times, as it approached I felt it was like a fairy godmother, coming down from the heavens, but then a noise, loud and dangerous, like a throbbing sound, womp, Womp, WOMP, as it came closer I felt it was a threat to me and maybe even the planet so I batted it away, but maybe that was just my feeling at the time and it came down and entered my chest, thoughts of heavenly parents coming to find and save me, to pluck me from the earth, to strike me with lightning, to blow up the house with everyone in it, walking out into the day as though i were a caricature from a television programme, a lord of time, someone with the capability to save the world, holding flattened drinks cans  in my hands, when I say it now it sounds completely crazy which makes a whole lot of sense.

All of these adventures, walking along roads, with traffic passing me by, being found conveniently and given a lift home.

Folks finding me all the time as though I were Truman and the show is mine, they drive or walk right up to me and say Hi.

So on it goes as the world around me gets crazier, I see things that seem to make no sense, videos of Boris Johnson on a tube train, in fact it feels as though there are journeys taking place from a hell on earth to a heaven and back again and I've been there before in mind if not in actuality, and so my life becomes a reason to smile again, after weeks of crying, laying on my bed, talking to entities in my head, are they the people I thought they were, no of course not, several women, romantic fantasies, a wedding, nicknames, emptying myself, my conciousness, confessions, revelations, reading revelations, from the bible, biblical fantasies, Jon of the garden, I thought we were all going back there, back to the garden, it all makes no sense in various ways though it felt so right at the time, not now.

How do folks deal with the fact that they act out these dreams in the waking world and their dreams feel more real than the waking world?  That's how it has been, so it's been more hellish than before, because I experienced it before after a course of sleeping pills.

These after images, things out of the corner of your eye, as though I am being controlled, how I walk, what I do, thoughts in my head, you're our little bitch now, starting as training, leaving, running fleet footed and in flow, but not very far, save the women, run home, save your family, so I stay up, not making much sense now, turning down help, feeling like once I write it out, feel as though I can't take any more that I get a little freedom from it, maybe that's just me writing it down and doing their job for them, for me.

Making it clear that I'm nuts so that way whatever happens there is a deniability to it all, it's ok he was mad, talking to himself, shouting out, losing his temper, properly mind you, screaming out as I have done in the past at what I saw as dark forces in the area.

As if to say, you are not welcome here any more, RUN!  Even the old phone in the caravan says RUN! or it did so before I changed it back to Focus Power as that is what my phone messages used to say, Focus Power Daniel San, I love a hero story, love the happy endings yes.

Then as time goes on, I see the ways in which I may be the one who is projecting all of this onto others, the way I was behaving may just be my own reality not the one that anyone else lives in and that scares me a little but not as much as the thoughts in my head, the ocd seems more prevalent, maybe some of this will be of some use to someone that is why i tend to try to be an honest as possible.

In the hope that this explains the ways in which this whatever it is works, is there a spiritual truth behind religions?

Are we alone here, or are there aspects of this place and reality that we can't see that can have an effect on us here?

Who knows, but the answers seemed to be coming thick and fast and then I doubt just about everyone I've ever known or met which hurts like hell because it makes me feel like never seeing anyone ever again, letting all the relationships fragile as they were die soon.

Because at some point in this sorry tale it was said, dont look at anyone because they will die, or be killed because you looked at them.  It makes no sense and i'm repeating myself which is something i prefer not to do but then maybe this isn't me writing this but you, whoever, whatever you are, that is so much better at this than me, taking over my overflowing need to express myself this way.

Letting the words flow out of me, like this has become the norm, and even my book thing I wrote, conversations with goddess, doesn't seem to make as much sense as I thought it did when I proof read it, in the pub, maybe that too was just a drug fuelled lame attempt, maybe all things felt right when they were wrong and there was some kind of screening going on, whereby what you see and hear and read and feel seems right to you at the time, I hope to goodness knows whatever it is that lives outside of this whole thing there is a point to life even though I seem to have missed it, I thought it was love, I thought I was becoming more loving but just started to see and realise so many ways in which I was not being and doing so, regretting lots of ways in which I can't say but know I was not doing good.

The healing I was doing, I can think of people I did work for, over the internet or in person who seemed to be saying that they were impressed, they seemed to say in person even that they could feel the energy I was sending to them, explaining to them, proving to them that it was real and that it could help them in some way, whether massage or energy work I thought I had done some good out there.

I didn't have the balls or the need to check back with people, and now I'm too cowardly to approach those that I feel I owe apologies to, and on it goes, round and round, wondering if this is the worst it will ever feel, threats have been made, but were they all in my head, from someone else against those I love, then thoughts, do I love anyone?  Am I just a greedy selfish fuck up loser cunt?  Scuse my french but then at the start I wouldnt say boo to a goose, and ended up swearier that I have ever been before, losing my rag, shouting, feeling as though I needed to find some way out of this constant fucking annoyance, as i awake, knowing the hormone for waking you up, cortisol is a stress hormone, and morning can and have been the worst when detoxing from all the things I have done in the past again.

So I know that anxiety and all sorts of things can be worse first thing, I try to find things to do in the day, but then there are still negative thoughts in my head, could be ocd, other types of self defeating attitudes and thoughts can go on that don't mean it's actually some kind of and I hate to say it but spiritual possesion, or a failure to listen up, open my ears as I have opened my mind, not my real ears as less and less do I feel like it's some kind of sting for some reason, as I have been laying on my bed feeling as though I was helping someone with their enquiries, I now how this sounds but if I don't gte it down I may burst, as though I was going through a situation like the scientologists apparently do, energy testing, being questioned over and over about my sex life or lack of it, about certain aspects of my past, in fact all of it, seeing involuntary reactions, physically, knees twitching, hands moving, then if I go back to the start let's say there were aspects that felt spiritual, as though my spirit were leaving or entering my body again, in a pine lined room, i know the paranoia and wish I was back thinking about the pronoia I was feeling up until very recently, body confidence, the rollercoaster goes on, so little pain was being felt, i could expire, felt as though I was coming into the ability to eat very little and live on energy, sounds daft I know and then there are the times when every one I know or have met, even briefly or only a few times, well I can hear their voice in my head, or the way, the patter, the tone, the speech patterns even, the phrases they would use, so that as I go round and round trying to work out who is doing this to me, it seems like it could be anyone, then there is the throbbing noise again, is it in my head, sounds like a diesel engine far away, or is it the blood pounding in my brain, is it a, now I can't remember the word, brain fade, as though the rational side was dying because I was so creatively fired up, it comes back, finding I can come up with a reasonable effort at scrabble, I can type and know how to spell most things, without using spell checker.

Knowing I've done things, like end up hitch hiking to the local town, I've never done that before, wandering into a shop, as though I'm on a mission, knowing I've worried folks, we need to see what you will do, what you are capable of, try to get enough money to use the phone, from someone, try to get bus fare, but I ask some random guy if I can borrow some money and of course he can't see why or how that's going to work, I'm rubbish I have no street skills, I've never lived rough, I wouldn't last a day let alone a week out there.

It's been a wild ride that's for sure, I cling to the idea that this is a growth process, going backwards to find honesty is the best policy, seeing how often I judge others unfairly and not myself and then aspect of the past few weeks in terms of the experiences I have been er experiencing come back in the form of the movies I've been watching, do you assent to the programme?  I'm not trying to burn you here...  Oh my goodness, I started off unable to swear, then lost my rag over and over at what was going on inside my head, and then back again to treating it all with equanimity, and trying to meditate and do energy work and see a way forward again because that is all I can cope with, I know how unfair it has been on others I'm glad at least that I can see that and also I would not wish this on anyone else, or the fallout either so that gives me even greater resolve not to do anything to go back to smoking or taking things that obviously knock me off course, after I once gave the tiller of my ship to the subconcious, making the unconcious concious, the shadow brought into the light, I wish to see this as a spiritual journey and I hope to goodness that it is...

barely enough courage to write

how to express the feelings and experiences of the last few months that i thought had been 8, 9 or ten weeks and by now it seem as though it must have been at least that as i look back and count the days and posts here and check back to my fbook account and recount how ive been on missions that suggested someone was seeing through my eyes and no surprise that sounds crazy and i also thought there were folks looking at me through cameras posted around the place, or spiritual friends or foes talking to me in my head and this thread will run and run or maybe my hope and positive attitude will be enough or posting this and daring to face my fears and the fact that there seems to be little emotion left in me now, and so few tears and thankfully less small smirks and jeers to things that ought not to be deemed funny, and no money as i burnt it up but dont admit things that might seem strange, deranged, dont post this, fear the truth more than the lies and it's again no surprise or shouldnt come as one that this sort of thing seems to have begun a lot earlier than i might have wished to find out, looking back maybe there ought to have been doubts expressed further back by my self, and now it seems only fitting to accept that i have missing time, memories unentwined, they dont make sense, missing possessions, the feeling of a type or kind of possession of me or my spirit, my body, my actions, deemed unworthy by a part of me, or someone, something outside of me, is spirit talking good?

Is mediumship talking with demons who pretend to be our loved ones passed on to wherever they go?

Is spirit work ever capable of being truthful to an extent given there is no proof other than thoughts in our heads and then it goes around and around, do i doubt healing and energy like reiki and natural healing work?

Do my doubts make that stuff fail to work or did my belief in it make it work in the first place before now?

On it goes as i calm down having faced the fear of writing this stuff down, does it look like madness?

Have I been talking to myself, and indeed arguing, have certain facets started to come back to me?

Memories of the past opened up because I've gone back to the days I never looked back on?

Were my fears of others getting involved just that?  No people from other countries?

No spirit just parts of me, the subconcious, the unconcious made concious?

Is it just a symptom of a larger problem that may have begun very early?

Can I ever know the truth as i face another attempt to get on track?

I need to get a job and see whether i can learn new things again, need to see if I can cope with the pressure, see if i can compromise, get out there again, cycle there, do it all on my own as i wont accept help.

As it goes on again it seems as though i leave everything to the last minute, always putting more pressure on myself but thats the way i seem to deal with things best as i panic and freeze up and cope with that, listen to your body more, when you've got to go, go, have a wee, wash your hands, look after yourself more Jon.

All sorts of archetypes were there in the first place, accents taken onboard, speaking with a welsh lilt, doing things I've left for years without dealing with, go through your clothes, give them away to charity, the car comes back again magically or coincidentally, not where I believed I had left it on a whim, instinctively.

Driven home in one piece gone through it all and thrown out smoking paraphenalia as im defo giving up.

Aspects of the peopleive met coming out inside my head, where they are from, so many fantasies expressed.

Feeling better and better and sleeping well, dropping off ok, sleeping right through apart from toilet breaks.

Constant thoughts of wouldnt it be good to get away and just live a life on the road and learn wild food?

Then thoughts of the need to pay off debts, pay off car insurance policies, make sure to provide more.

Dreams of folks from the past so vivid, coming off nicotine making my appetite so big it's ridiculous.

So many things have gone on I can't understand how anyone could have put up with me and then.

Then I realise they're just trying to cope with it in their own ways, hard for them to question it.

Face it, makes me feel so alone but at least I have somewhere to be, to feel less empty.

How did it all start was it that first trip to spain i can't help thinking of it all again.

Looking at the photos, wondering where my pilgrim passports have gone?

Wondering was that the first time I asked for a spiritual experience?

And got one in the form of a voice after waking at 2am to hear it.

Saying in my head you are nothing and unique, a cog on a wheel.

What is real, will this life seem like a great game that is death too?

When I die will it all be revealed or will it all end in blackness and nothing more?

I've gone round the houses looking at everything I've done or may have or may not have.

Unable to remember what I have no memories of, accused in my head of all sorts of shameful things.

Then I remember all sorts of things I have done that I can't quite believe I have and I see the truth at least of the times I've been through that I thought were happy or right or true or for a good reason and I doubt the healing that I was doing last summer at a super festival, did I actually help anyone at all or was it confirmation bias, was I just dreaming things into reality, am i constantly overiding others need to get me to do the right things in some ways, are they scared to speak up and tell me what they would like me to do, or how to behave, is that because I just do what i want and dont care, am incapable of learning and listening, is it because i cant hear, physically i mean, even though i seem to go through periods of being able to hear the tiniest noise from far away, or close noises really loud, or a wood pecker in the middle distance, so loud it sounds like thunder, then there are the sights of an electric cable sparking, or a far off explosion on the horizons several weeks ago, the thought in my head is there goes a local town, boom it's gone, you're being followed by an invisible wizard so keep walking away from home, get as far away as you can, so i walk, get turned around, dirtied up, wet through puddles, storms around, winds high and profound, get back home at least  in time to go to bed and bedraggled seem like at least i wasn't out past everyone elses bedtime.

So many accounts to be made, keep away from the drugs that i was weaning myself off of anyway, standing up to those around, more and more which seems like a different person to them as i never did before, never said boo to a goose, so much and certainly wouldnt hurt a fly, losing my temper at myself and the thoughts in my head that now seem only to be in my own voice, whereas on waking in the past few weeks they seemed to be those of people i've met in my life, saying get out, several voices at once, there's more than one team on this, some trying to help you, some to harm you, they all want to pick you up for some reason, some to take you away to a foreign country, bring your passport, some to take you to have heinous things done to you, facing the difference between magical realities, finding more and more truth in rational explanations, there obviously arent bugs all around or cameras, there still are these thoughts, that may be the best parts of me, am i suffering from any number of mental illness things, is it MPD what is it, is it spiritual, brain related?

Around and around and wondering but knowing that at least apart from clumsiness i'm no threat or danger to anyone, i've faced the thought that others were out to harm me but I'd never strike out, only in self defence.

Even then it would take a lot, I'm just not a violent person and everyone seems quite happy in my company, or at least they don't fear being in the same room as me, losing my fear of contacting people as it seemed like everyone was out to get me in some way, going round and round them all, feeling as though i would hurt anyone by even looking at them, they're dead, they're going to drop dead because you looked at them.

Knowing the subconcious is a very powerful machine, intelligence, creative resource, knows lots and lots.

So are they all, thoughts, fanatasies of my own creation, you're a creator god they said, what you say goes.

I've experienced that before, all I know is that it makes sense for me to stay away from chemical highs.

I ought to be eating as healthy a diet as possible but sugary snacks and biscuits are so hard to quit.

In many ways i'm taking up all sorts of habits that don't help like caffeine when i dont drink it.

Or as little as possible knowing or feeling as though it makes my stomach ache, white bread.

Shouldnt be eating that but stuffing myself with anything i can get hold of as though that's at least something I can take control of in my life, eat, eat, put on weight because i seemed to be gaunt again, look thin in the face now fat in the cheeks, nt in the body, seemed to have dropped to a tiny weight low 9 stones now more like 10 again maybe more, who knows, back to bad habits, try to find a middle ground again please help me.

Help yourself or you will end up never having any semblance of a favourable future life to live.

It's ok for others to smoke, that's up to them, take drugs etc that's their life but not yours.

You've done so many things, don't do them again, this time it feels like it has to be over.

I get so easily persuaded by myself that I can do those things again, so don't this time.