You are where you live

It's said and it's very true that you are what you eat, after all the body is replenished all the time from what we put into it, and the minerals that were there at birth are slowly used up so we need to keep replacing them by eating good whole food, unprocessed foods, raw vegetables, wild food, what some consider weeds, like nettles, plantain, dandelions, in fact there are so many things seen as weeds that are edible and not just edible but herbs, I'm only just learning this now and it surprises me because i live in the country, my parents will have eaten some of these things but even they didn't go to the lengths that I am to include such things in my diet and i will continue and go on from here to add and learn about all sorts of things that grow in the environment, are organic because they are not fed pesticides, herbicides, they are not treated like crops, they grow where they wish to grow, nature creates this herbal medicine cabinet quite naturally, and for me the environment where we live is just as important as the things we eat, the air we breathe, the water we drink.

We are where we live, just as much as being what we eat, i get to ground my feet on the earth and allow myself to connect to the soil and feel a part of nature, I have suggested this to someone whose head is in the clouds and this touches on something important, when you've had an experience of being god, i was still me I grant you, but i was god, or at least i connected to the part of me, the spark, that was there at the big bang, was there at the creation of all this and saw the end too, i saw a timeline stretching from beginning to end, but i was just still me, a human being, being god, connecting to what it felt like to wish the best outcome for everyone including me, that was something I had to accept as part of the process of living and dying here.

I saw that getting high is not a good idea for someone who has been that high, who has literally felt like they were risen above this world below, not in the way that i ever felt like others were mere mortals and i was not, never in the way that i thought i was something special if they cannot be too, i feel as though we could all be in amazing health, feel the energy of life flowing through us, connect to resources within us that heal and help others by using natural talents that our inhibitions hold us back from attaining possibly, that is the quest.

So I see that if I had lived in the city, my behaviour would have gotten me hospitalised and then I would have been in a place unconducive to healing, okay it would have been the right place for others, the medical professionals, the mental health professionals have to have somewhere to do their work, but in the past it was a more regional health centre, somewhere with gardens, somewhere you were an outpatient, not drugged and kept locked up, that was my fear of those places, I know someone who was there for her own good.  So I don't contend that there is not a need for such places, but like prison, you are where you live.

You get used to a routine, I needed as soon as possible to get back outside, to feel the sun on my face, to walk in the fresh air, although admittedly I had been doing a lot of walking, out in the cold okay yes, but still, like a criminal in a cell, if I had gotten used to being locked up, with others of the same ilk, learning from them, hospital might have become a habit, the environment may have become something that rather than healing me in the long term, in the short term at least I may have found it more difficult to come back to myself, a part of me knew that and stressed very strongly, calmly though, came back to myself, to explain that I needed good habits, good food, exercise, that was the way back to who I am, to recovery, for me.

I hope I've explained this well, I know that others have been hospitalised many times during their own process to learn what it is in their life that causes this sort of thing, i have journeyed along my own path, seen the memories that have driven me, the way that we deal with grief, the way that family deals with things, the ways that I won't go into that have lead me to where I am today, I see it all more clearly than ever before.

I see my own habits that I need to change, around treating myself and thus others with more respect, seeing their needs, seeing how selfish it is to not put others first when it comes to the daily grind and not seeing this sort of thing as more important than getting the energy up together to help out at home, to help others that I said I would, do more, work harder, silence the voices inside that say you are worth more than this, over the top perhaps because I felt I was meant for something better than lugging parcels around, silence the thoughts that say quit this job, walk out and go home, don't take the pain, don't work here, for many they don't listen at all, they drudge because they have to and i am grateful for the opportunity i have had in the past to do so, because i had the support behind me, that allowed me to leave when i should have stayed in many  ways a crutch that wanted a quiet life and never stood up to me and said hey you can't do that, don't leave work.

I see how selfish I've been and i am working hard to get to a point where I can support myself and not have to keep going back to those who will not always be around, finally quit the habits that let me fly those fantasies that were not good in the long run, see the graft that it takes to create a home, a life, a love.

I know there are reasons why I have dealt with certain things and I can see why it's a good thing that there was never anyone in my life, those friends that something could have happened with I'm glad it didn't for their sake, i've said it before, i would not have given them a happy life, unless of course I'd quit the things that sent me flying high in the first place, perhaps my life would have been different without the addictions and outside it's hailing again so i must go and get washed and cleaned up and ready for work again knowing there are chores and things to do that are more important that my worrying about my own health, taking my mind off my mind is a very great comfort because the monotony of work creates less time for worry and stress.

Less time for the patterns that created the issues in the first place to reassert themselves, I may not have that much love for myself but i know enough that i have to go on for the sake of others, that is enough for now.

Not a magician

I don't do rituals or ceremonies, although I have been invited to them before I just never made it there.

To me, if the intention is good, and loving there is nothing wrong with entering into this kind of thing.

I carried out my own ceremonies, I observed a week of preparations in order to put in what I hoped to get out of the experiences that I undertook.  To me ceremony involved a sacrament which was the mushroom.

I ate even more healthily than I normally do, and that meant also what I took into myself visually aswell.

I would make sure I didn't watch anything violent, no video games, no t.v. no newspapers either.

I washed before hand and made sure to put on clean clothes and prepared myself by being celebate and to my mind that involved no sexual activity of any kind in order to preserve my own vital energy within.

All of this meant that I was psychologically, physically prepared and in the best shape I could be to enter into my own ceremony in the best frame of mind, in order to get the most out of voyaging and asking questions.

I would make sure to have everything i needed to hand, fresh water, some food, I fasted before I took the mushroom, I always ensured they were gathered with respect, only take what you need, collect them in such a way that there would be some the next year, pick carefully, go through them as they are prepared, make sure the environment I am in is quiet, no distractions, the liberty cap was my sacrament and I asked of it, I said a prayer to the mushroom, i thanked them for their gift of visionary capability, I asked of them to keep me safe and to show me something, I entered into these journeys with respect and got a lot out of them.

I saw things that will stay with me for the rest of my life, I saw the branches of felled trees back on the trunks, as though phantom limbs were reattached to the harvested trunks of the trees they were sawn from, I saw the energy fields of the plants and trees around me, as though they were melded together, the auras of the plants and bushes, mixing into one another, overlapping around me, I saw the mighty oak tree glowing, i saw so many things during those days and i entered into a relationship with the full moon as my guide.

I would ask a question, have one in mind before my journey, the altar I mentioned has never been used, never have i lit candles and asked for anything, i don't make those sorts of rituals part of my beliefs, I have never learnt from anyone, i have always followed my instincts, and used the information gathered by reading from sources far and wide, I chose to accept what felt right into my ways of doing things, I didn't ever wish for anything for myself, always for others, always the dreams that came true were those for others, and maybe I am involved on some level but this isn't about magic, or mysticism this was about asking to see the truth of this reality, im not a witch or a wizard, i don't think of myself as being part of a faith, or religion.

I'm not pagan, I don't think of myself as being a wizard, i was just going with the energy that i felt.

I can see that over the years I have created for myself an environment that makes no sense.

The collection of trinkets is nothing more than that, my caravan is merely a trinket.

A sample of the things I've seen, the places I've been, the dances danced.

I followed my instincts up to and including bathing in the rain.

Literally having a shower the old fashioned way.

I see nothing wrong with that, being naked.

I sunbathed, washed myself with the rays.

To some these things have a scary connotation, because of the past, our need to focus on failure, negativity, the recreation of everything in a horror movie, based on true events, these ghost stories retold anew for a new audience that want to be scared out of their skin, i don't prescribe to watching horror films, I don't like the ideas portrayed there, I wonder how many folk of the past who could do seemingly miraculous things, using their knowledge of herbal medicine, and those who were called witch doctors who were shaman, who were shawomen, those tribal people who do energy work, to cure the people of their tribe, we fear them.

They represent something foreign to us, so disconnected from nature as we are today, all we see is money.

I have been through a whole lot of different mindsets, going from fully immersed in nature and loving energy.

Feeling as though I can walk through a supermarket and noticing how little real food is there, how little nutrition, some products have come a long way towards righting the wrongs, the price point of food has come down so low, it's a vicious cycle of prices coming down in order to attract the money of those who are buying, we have let our tastes be changed by the production of foods that taste good but aren't filling, so we need to eat more of them, I've been there and tasted something so incredible that someone prepared that you only need a small amount of it to feel full, what I would call real food, I even harvest wild food myself but find i'm drawn back to sugary food, junk food, even meat that I had almost overnight given up on, so many ways that things can be seen as one thing or another, habits in the household driving my food choices, those around me making purchases that keep me tempted to eat sugary things when I know they're not good for me.

It's not easy, to start and maintain new ways of being, let's say exercise like yoga, when your job makes you feel beaten and bruised all over, modern life leaves so little room for change, leaves so little room for a long term way of being that is rapidly dying, but there are green shoots, people showing the way back home again, eat well, sleep well, finding myself coming back to confidence again a little more, I've take a trip out into areas others haven't been to, perhaps unwisely, as I chose and found myself alone most of the time.

Others weren't prepared to take it as seriously as I, didn't put aside the full moon as a monthly spiritual time for these journeys to take place, I know I came to realise that when I asked the moon if it was me, it replied, although uncomfortably, that it was, so then I knew I was asking questions of myself no wonder I knew the answer already in my heart, what my next step ought to be, the meditation technique that says who am I?

When I have a thought, who is thinking it?  When it seems like a judgement, who is it?  Who indeed...

That is what is called finding the witness conciousness, to come outside the inner dialogue.

It is unnerving to be able to ask a question and receive an answer and hear the word you.

Too much the amateur, too little help, because I felt no-one else was out there, locally...

Those I have met, talked of experiences that are out of this world, literally, cosmically.

I cannot say that it would be best for me to spend the rest of my days reading things.

I assumed that the world out there had little to offer anymore, no more holidays.

I chose not to go the package route, no more flights and hotels, no waiters.

It set me apart and made it tricky because everything you said seemed...

Seemed to mean something more to me, I took it all as heavenly.

Or hellish, or great and terrible, the meaning was always there.

I took what you said not at face value, I became untrusting.

So I can see all of this, paranoia, pronoia, the feeling that the universe is out to get you in a good way.

That the universe is conspiring in your favour, pronoia, the cosmic ordering system, ask and receive.

I see the ways that television programmes have taken the idea that the universe is a living thing.

They say in the scripts of shows, perhaps it's a new way to talk about god, whatever it is.

The universe is sending me a sign, well i took it all too seriously, everything was a sign.

Everything you said seemed to have some kind of significance and I acted just so.

I tended to take whatever you said and come back with something important.

Or at least to me it was, I would take you to a higher level, raise you up.

My mind so high and mighty and I trace it all back to before my trip.

Before becoming god from the beginning to the end in 2011.

Even then my interests in everything, biology, nature.

Science, technology, everything interested me.

I took that further than most of the people around me I know, I took it onto the internet and found all sorts of things that seemed to make sense to me, earth changes coming, catastrophes, armageddon no probably not, but that other one, the revelation of a hidden truth, apocalypse, probably, i wondered if the world might end, as many may have done before in history, i spent the morning of the 21st of december 2012 in avebury listening to a druid who said time was ending not life, or anything else, just time, as a linear progression, it's cyclical was what i learned from the maya, and terence mckenna, it seemed to ring true, we're in a small cold war right now, as though everything is spiralling down and up, tightening and speeding up as though there is a quickening underway, it seems to go faster every day, to my mind, it was a sign of things to come, that something was on it's way, a point in time when everything would come to some kind of great conclusion, whilst continuing on aswell, time may stop as we know it but whatever we create will keep going on.

All these theories entering into one mind, and a million others i am sure, i would ask how many are awake to this?  A figure would come back, I could ask any question and an answer would be forthcoming, i didn't think it was just my imagination until that is precisely what my own imagination said it was, it's your mind, what would you like the answer to be?  I'd like it to be loving, either way, for everyone, including me.

If that's possible, I'd like a world where everyone has a fair go, a life to lead, happily, no necessarily forever after, after all living forever would be boring right?  Who knows though, i'm glad I'm seeing things better.

Will dismantle the architecture of longing to be something i'm not, gradually removing the tat i've collected, went through all the trinkets that I carried with me, over identifying with characters i have known about.

Going from that day when I was god, which is pretty much all i remember, to now having a complex about what will happen when I die, but hey, i'm more scared of losing my teeth and my smile for now and that's got to be a great improvement when so many times since that day I have worried about the fate of everyone.

It's nice to just be a human person, just me, and all these fears I have about the future well I think I needed them, I hadn't thought about such things, and saw those who did as unnecessarily burdening themselves with things that aren't important yet, but I can see why they did, it's all for the scrap book for when I rot or burn.

I can't say definitively what life is for, but I fancy being there for the others members of your family is more important that worrying about gods, hierarchies of angels and archons and gnosticism although at least I can if i choose without being called a heretic and sought out and put to the flame tied to a stake as a cathar.

I felt a connection to them, i wrote on my back in their language that i make progress step by step.

It came from a novel and i've certainly chosen an interesting path through life so far right now though all i wish for is a mortal life, for work to go well, to save up and pay my dues, to see a chaffinch on the window sill.

Closer than ever before, just like blue tit the other day, so much in nature to endure and enjoy once more.

Will i ever be the same again?  I don't know if i can ever go back, knowing what I've seen and done.

Mundane life seems boring in retrospect but at least i have a roof over my head still and family.

It's just that for so long I never questioned that or saw how much i took it for granted.

Now I do, now I see the ways that from the spiritual perspective i had, i looked down on others who were not on the same journey, i see the ways that those who do that, are being unfair to those who don't have the time because they actually have relationships, they care for one another, each other, they don't make time for these journeys into and out of the mind, they work, barely have spare time, just doing what they feel is right.

Memories

I'm a member of a group that would dearly love for everyone to be healed and guesses at the ideal that we are all wounded healers in our own way, dealing with our wounds, given to us, or dealt by us, shamanically.

To this group I became someone who was an avid follower, they suggest that mental illness is a symptom of the modern world and that broadly speaking, there is a route from this to mental wellness, shamanically.

In other words, and I'm paraphrasing, but basically, nature is goodness, is god, is spirituality and we are a part of it, and the illnesses we display are merely a descent from our place, or feeling that we rise above it.

To my mind, our place in nature is as stewards and as stewardesses and that we are failing dismally, because of our history, i've named it his-tory, his-story because in most cases it was men who were the victors and thus wrote the stories that we have come to tell ourselves and each other and those are what we see today.

The stories of creation that came down to us from those who came before, and my journey, from darkness to light, my path of knowledge, to know myself more thoroughly, to see myself more clearly, to accept my follies and my favours and my good deeds for what they are but also the lies I have told myself in the past.

My physical attempts to heal have indeed been what I thought they were, if i got a hug afterwards, or raised a smile, or in some cases a tear by being there for someone in a purely loving way then that is a good thing.

My energetic attempts to heal, may all have been in my mind, whatever the circumstances of proof received from others, who knows, i never attempted to prove it beyond a shadow of a doubt to myself because i firmly believed in what i was doing, i believed there was a goodness to energy work because it is free.

I have never charged for massage, apart from once someone gave me some money towards a journey that i never made, and i hold that memory in my mind as an example of the ways i need to repay kindnesses, there are a few I intend to make right.  I never charged for energy work either to my mind that is the right way.

I did however receive a jar of honey from someone whose ankle i worked on for half an hour or so and who was able to rejoin their friends up a steep hill, and in fact took to dancing on it almost immediately to my intense appreciation of what I had done, but i don't consider that to be an example of something i need to have any pride in, i did what was necessary because someone was hurting and they got a lot out of it.

The experience of the last months, was to many others, to those around me, a scary time, because it dealt with themes that have haunted this world for at least two thousand years, since the time of christ, of jesus.

I don't know an awful lot about these things, i have only recently taken to reading the bible, of having the words and tunes to hymns coming out of me, to songs I found to have meanings I did not like the sound of, such as jerusalem, to me, the jewish state is a bully who was previously bullied almost into exstinction but that is no excuse for their behaviour in this world, after all were not the bankers in the temple at fault?

The money changers, so i know that i have straddled many traditions, religious and spiritual in my quest for answers and the experiences i had, in my mind i grant you, the visions i saw were scary but beautiful i worry if i said or did things that i have to consider as having some baring on what happens when i die because I made commitments, i made what i thought were wedding vows, at the time to mortal women telepathically.

Sounds crazy I know, but that quote from Saint James the Elder that I found, 'dear mortal be wife, before tis too late, on mere moments, rest an eternal fate'.  I wonder was it be wise or be wife?  Be wife to god, be true to who you are, be true to the one you love, love nature, love this existence, love this place whatever its faults, love one another, that is what i take it to mean, and the symbols, the visions, of a beautiful star in the heavens coming down to meet me, the word in my mind was shaitan, the darkness, the lightbringer, these things can be taken in a variety of ways, if our fear makes us doubt, if our perspective makes us fear, we can see things turn from darkness to light and vice versa.  On a full moonlit night a cloud can make us shudder.

When the light disappears our fears can return, but I have found there is nothing to fear out there but men.

Or should I say, people, for the most part there are no animals for us to fear in nature any more not here.

Not in this country and as for anything else to fear, ghosts, spirits, i don't know I haven't been to the places that others say are haunted, I don't like the idea of visiting them and trying to contact the dead, in ways that suggest you think it is entertaining to see them as spirits who will never rest and will remain there forever.

I'm getting sidetracked because of the investigators i have met, mediums who work with touring those places.

I myself may never experience these things again, like the sense and sight of being surrounded by spirits.

Who knows whether my mind was addled or sent into a frenzy of self delusion by chemicals and plants.

I know I heard the name come out of my subconcious mind, that i mentioned before, and pistis sophia.

The goddess pistis sophia, and that is who i was referencing tonight when i sought her out and read.

About gods wife, the divine feminine in the gnostic tradition, i mean no disrespect to any religion.

I never have but there is a part of us that we deny, the one who judges others, thoughts we hide.

Thoughts we don't say were expressed, came to mind for me to see and deride and never say.

Aspects of my self were seen by me and it is painful to see those parts we never talk about.

Perhaps they come about, around when we are young and are told to never act on them.

The shadow self, the subconcious, the animal, the alter ego and my altar came to me.

I created a place quite naturally that contains all the little trinkets that i have found.

First of all crystals came into my life as gifts and i gave them away and again.

Some more came my way and i found my eyes drawn to the worthless.

To things that others might take a shine to or feel resonates with them.

To my mind that is the meaning of having these worthless things.

To give them away and have a place to keep them for others.

That is all i have, and two seats, one for you and one for me.

Beneath them a white stone and a multi coloured one only.

We can talk and exchange our energies our feelings.

I see the fallacies because I have overdone it all.

I never became the sensible healer I wished to.

Not in the longterm yet, i had to go through.

This journey of self disrespect to evolve.

To accept my his-story and see truth.

And that is that I am seeking love.

The love and redemption above.

A chance to do some good.

That's all i wish for myself.

No love but that which
i give to others freely
if i receive any in
truth i will have
earned it
finally
+
That is all around us on earth
the opportunity to do some
good despite those who
would wish to create
a world of liars
and make
us lie
too
+

Out of context

So I was writing about the movies i ended up watching over the last few months, stories about spies, action heroes, anti heroes in some cases and then I watched a film called Mr Right, which you might be forgiven for thinking was going to be a romantic comedy and it is in a way, but then it turns very strange, dark even.

Without giving too much away, the characters turn each other around, one who was a certain way tries not to be, the other, accepts that there is a part of them that feels good when behaving in a certain way.  My dreams are becoming surreal but I accept that whatever is being processed within them seems fair and I don't wake up in a cold sweat despite, a demon sucking my sex parts and swallowing me whole or at least starting to.

Then there's the one where I am in a huge prison island, an island I've created for myself?  Keeping myself closed off from others because I wouldn't wish for them to get too close to me when I feel ashamed of who i am, who i've been?  It has all given me much to think on and I'm glad for the openess of my dreams and life.

So back to the films, well there's this hitman in Mr Right and despite the fact that I'm not a hired killer I have displayed certain traits when in extremis, or in  a deep state of relaxed concentration, calm focus as I would call it, or a confident feeling you get when your inhibitions are gone, your physical health is ripe and honest and you feel  on top of the world, you bring out your best performances and they suggest a higher level, a higher you, that you could only wish was the one you were all the time, and that is what I am alluding to here.

Trying to examine what it felt like to be on top physical form, top of my game, to do massage for others, to leave them with a complete sense of relaxation, elation due to the lack of pain, the removal of obstacles.

These days perhaps there is a twenty year glut of feelings and thoughts coming my way because I never thought about the future before, i just lived in the now, saw the future as a lucky game to play, guessed that something good would come along and it almost always did, the job when I needed one, but that's going against the way that most people live their lives, they seem to need the consistency, the promise of whatever it is they have at the moment, when I just seem to jump ship when an opportunity comes along and go with it.

Now all I wish for is to save up until I've got my own little nest egg to rely on instead of others, I see the honesty that I have been unwilling to afford myself with in the past, I just assumed that others would be there to pick up the pieces and they were, but that was selfish in the extreme, to have someone to fall back on is fine, assuming you are willing to be there for them too, and if I think about it honestly I don't think I was.

Monetarily I was there, we've been there for each other, now all i am is a worker and a chore minded one.

Do the things that everyone else does that keeps the home fires burning, mow the grass, go to work, try to at least keep some good habits, dietarily, pick wild food, try not to eat so much junk, but it's tempting when you're burning so many calories and food has become my go to comforting thing, without smoking and those other crutches I was using, to hide myself away from the sharp focus I seem to have attained just recently.

When I write like this, I just let it flow, I don't think too much, it just comes out so I hope that means it's the most honest reflection of what is inside, that's my hope that in not thinking, I can't hide from the truth at all.

 When I harvest wild food, I thank the plants for their contribution to my survival, thankyou plantain, thankyou nettle, thankyou dandelion, thankyou primrose, thankyou st george's mushrooms just out.

I walk slowly so that I can choose the greenest ripest freshest most perfect looking leaves to add to my food.

I walk slowly and I see all the life moving away from my footsteps so many little spiders and things rustling.

The flower heads of the dandelions are full of little black beetles that sense the death and move out.

They maybe feel that the flower head is moving rather rapidly as if in the wind and bug out.

I find myself too deeply connected to them that I find mowing the grass murder.

I know how much life I am destroying and how much food i am creating.

I am playing god with every step, crushing someone, feeding another.

It's a big responsibility no wonder i found myself hiding from it.

Now my head hurts because i'm drinking a little again.

A little bit of cider on a beautifully warm spring day.

Hiding away from the afternoon cloud inside.

Finding my life seems to revolve around charging my mobile phone and the deafness of those around me and the ways that i shudder when they fail to hear one another and then shout as though in anger at no response.

I find most emotions very overwhelming i think, perhaps that is why I'm drawn to remember and then I'm drawn away from that memory of crying profusely back to smiling because I'm fond of those who love.

So fond and happy for anyone who has love in their life, I believe I've been loving, unconditionally.

I wish to live alone somewhere in the middle of nowhere and not have chores apart from living and feeding myself and that will mean the possibility of roaming freely and moving around, to see the coast and inland places, to wander and get lost as much as possible in the knowledge that I can cope and love the feeling.

This dream to leave and not come back, this dream to not feel guilty about that, to leave it all behind.

To find meaning somewhere else, because in strangers I find it easier to be myself, it hurts me now.

This honesty is something I know I can put out there here, I saw in my dreams where the bodies were laid out, i collected them up and tried to do the right thing, but I had cried wolf before, because in my head there were bad folks in the area about to do bad things, don't let them in, like vampires they must be invited.

It doesn't make sense, I keep coming back to wishing and hoping that i'm the one who gets hurt not them.

When push came to shove, I said, i screamed aloud in my head, I just want everyone to be happy.

This whole place seems surreal and when I'm working there is no room for god and the other.

Just people moving things around, packages from one place to another who cares about the world and its future, as long as someone gets their insulation, their exhaust pipe, their whatever it is on time in one piece.

And I dream of walking to the coast of europe to the western tip to get another passport full of stamps.

To get another passport because for some reason the me I can't remember being burnt or lost them.

They're gone, my pilgrim passports are gone I cannot find them for love nor money nor loft space.

I burnt a lot of things and I wonder should I read more meaning into what I did in those days?

Or just accept that it was the destruction of some bad habits, and some strange decisions.

How does someone work out what makes no sense and leaves you with a mystery?

Perhaps even greater than the one about the death mask man in the moon and...

the sun that gives life during the day, they seem like such obvious symbols.

In a  world that looks more and more like a great big cosmic joke.

Going from exhaustion and feeling like there's no point to it.

To desperation to feel the energy in my fingers again.

I know it was christ like to feel it in two fingers.

To feel it that more strongly than in the hand.

If this is healing from five years of godness.

Then so be it I will play along until the end.

Afterall there is no leaving before she sings.

The fat lady, the phat lady, the beat, the song.

That note I heard one morning, a trumpet sound.

Now a throbbing, not often heard, perhaps it's in my head.

I had visions and a fear of a nose bleed turning into a brain clot death.

Those are the things that weed can bring you when it makes your head throb.

I smell it from time to time, I thought it was the natural smell but i think it comes from within.

Muscles emptying and my national trust sticker came so tomorrow i'm going to walk somewhere green.

If It's Only

If it's only painful for me
then I can cope easily
as long as I can hide
that I'm feeling
empty inside
they won't
notice
and
i
will
feel as
though i've
earnt my pain
and dealt with it
again in the best way
for everyone which is for
me to die and never speak it

cowardly i know but then i seem
to deal better by pretending i am
fine that's what we all say isn't it
how are you? oh me? i'm fine...
i started to say the truth out and
about because it lead others to
do the same, I'd say terrible
but so much better now
i'm here and with
friends again
thanks for
asking
they
would
often say
wow me too
it's been an awful
year or three but now
thankfully things are looking
up and times they are a changing
so i know that as much as i don't
like to repeat myself i've gone so
far backwards again to repeat a
period of time that i've lived so
painfully before once more but
it seems well deserved and my
dreams are becoming so vivid
i can't hide any longer anyhow
just working hard to pay my
way and try to not fall down
or make the same mistakes
being harder on myself than
ever before making sure to
keep good habits and so
that leads me to my own
bitter misery but i have
to deal with that and
grin and bare it cos
it's mine and the
repudiation is
just the fine
line i've
tread
until
now
x

Coming back to earth

I used to make bad decisions because I drank too much and then I stole your wine and never replaced it
So many confessions of a life that went so errant in so many directions before I saw it all so clearly
Then chose to change the places I went and the people I spent my time with until so recently
It hurts to know that you don't consider that I would want to spend my life with you
But then going on the past it's obvious that I don't even think about anyone
Except myself and my own hopes and dreams and aspirations
Literally breathing life into my spiritual journeying
Taking it away from you and my family
We've grown apart so far since
I was who I was then
Not a friend
Not me
Sorry
Jon
x
p.s. i'm off to work which has brought me so thoroughly back to earth that I can pay the rent again thankyou for everything there is no way for me to say these things to you personally because i get the feeling you find it hard to believe a word i say anyway that's the problem when you cry wolf or say things you don't mean or generally turn tail and run when the going gets tough and i've had enough of that too i apologise to you +

what happened at the most basic level

was that i spoke to myself as everyone i've ever met and some people ive never met
my imagination was capable of hearing the voices of those i have met in my head
i heard them say things like we will save you from all the other teams out to
out to get you we will save you give you money to leave us alone now
we will give you a place, a flat where you can live and work now
differing options and offers on the table to see who i am now
i took no offer of a bribe because i felt it was honourable
not to look to others to get me out of my situation now
when all it is is living within the boundaries i know
i fantasised within my mind about three women
they were folks i've met and had a thing for
whether that was in social situations or
experiences that at the time meant a great deal, whether that was merely a moment and this is the reality, not what went on in my head, and I know that maybe given that I won't face any of them again, quite likely so that I can wonder about what might have been knowing that nothing would have come of it anyway because i've seen the fact that they have moved on, knowing i didn't keep in touch, i moved on too, learning to live without you around, because you never really were, how often have i done that in my imagination created a world to live in, i don't know, i feel as though i can blame things but that I take responsibility, i could judge others for their effects on me but i won't because i care not to, i dare not to, i fare better i feel if i take it all on myself, and try to just not bury my head, but face what's in front of me, several years of monotony, because I choose to work hard and save up and try to get by without spending money and time on those things that may or may not have been energy, may or may not have been wonderfully magical, seeing the parallels with those who live the life i was living that is fairly hedonistic, i saw it as my role to be the first aider, the guy who met you, introduced himself to you so at least you felt you knew someone, were welcomed, it's a personality, a persona i don't recognise at the moment, it came with practise and confidence that I seem to have when I try, when I just get on with stuff, this process of enlightenment shows me that i was sneaking around incapable to seeing certain things about myself, certain decision making was caught up by addictions, certain things were chosen because of rationalisation, so they're stopped because i have to be strong out here.

I fancy getting fitter because this current job will make me so, i fancy earning a better crust for travelling away and working long hours, maybe that could be a way to work hard, earn well, get clear of the debts i hold dear, and kept pretending weren't there as soon as something incredible came along that i don't regret.

My travels in europe last year were life changing, were life affirming, i was shown how it is to be, to live by those from another country, oops there's a rhyme, i can't seem to remember that spelling, r h y m e, no reason, it seemed to come easier the second time, i had this thought, what if at the end of life there's a decision to be made,  split second you might say, i experienced talking to someone next to me, a ghost, answering the questions that their relative would put to me, i past on what i got which was the notion of responsibility, at death do we get to say to ourselves or whoever, whatever is there if anything at all, i would have done things differently if i had another chance. or at least i would like to have another go, or does it all end, people have wondered about this i guess more and more as they get closer to the final days, but it's been on my mind, since god and devil became so real, i watched shows, i see films, i hear the words, what in the hell do you mean by that?  I hear the words, but i wonder, because there's a bias towards negativity for good reason maybe, because let's face it, disasters are always happening every now and then to us humans on this planet, volcanoes, coastal tidalwaves, storms, lightning, the great and the terrible and the normal things that nature can throw at us, they've kept us yearning for peace and quiet while we find it comfortable to live in the places where disaster can strike, the coast, where food is plentiful, inshore where there is shelter.

Near the volcanic eruptions because the soil is so rich and fertile, people living below mudslides waiting to happen because it's been a while, life so precious and yet so fleeting in geological terms, and yes this writing is so too, someone is reading it, is it you?  Who is it I don't know, I see the countries that they come from but I don't have any contact with them, or comments, but even that draws me into self conciousness, that's the thing about eternity, having to rhyme, i wrote it right, maybe i'm finally learning something here, anyway I know the artistic thing about finding someones eyes on you, feeling as though you are drawing scrutiny upon yourself, when you get out there and do something, draw, paint, sing, dance, i danced oh how i danced!!!

I danced expressively, I stomped hard as though pounding the earth, it came out of me, shamanically, is what i would say, but humanically, maybe is a better word, screaming out pain i felt or caused i don't know, i would express the archetypes of mushroom transformation, clutching my chest as though to prize my ribs apart to allow my heart to burst forth and explode, like the time i did mushrooms and melted into the bed i was laying on, my whole body gone, all atoms, cells, blood, bone, brains, bits, disappeared and come back.

Because obviously i am here to write this, disillusion that was the goal to disappear and come back better.

I danced as though i were expressing the emotions i had never felt at the time, aping moves i've seen before somewhere I don't know about that, i found my moves were getting stale, but loved getting up on to my toes, loved the feeling of energy in my hands as though flying, holding my arms out, practising the ways that you can swirl and twirl around spinning on the spot, anti gravity is what i was doing apparently someone said to me, it looked as though you were floating, well then maybe i have succeeded in displaying something good.

Coming out of me, the spiritual dimension of martial artistry, because we have inside us what we see, so i know what it is to do a spinning kick, a roundhouse, all of the moves i've seen in movies, subconcious, it's all in there, trained to come out through being put through adrenaline, we're back there again my training, my experiences of the last few months, going through feeling scared a lot, that something or someone was coming to get me or my family, putting them through the fear that that was real at least for me, we live somewhere remote, even writing this makes me feel bad because i know the world is a crazy place.

As for me, i didn't worry about it to often before, saw it as my role to comfort those going through stuff, whether they seemed out of it, seemed crazy themselves, came out with all sorts of not very nice or understandable things, i figured it was safe to do so on the internet but i guess the risks are various, it comes back to the idea, do i just stay at home and deal with what happens inside this house, or go back out into the world knowing the what i do and say affects others, affects their lives, i make a difference, so make it good.

Don't get involved emotionally though, because from what I've seen they like me more or i like them too much for comfort when it comes to romantic types of things but maybe i'm carried away by my imagination again because those conversations in my head at the start of the year, based on what I wrote, what i created to make connections to the source of all creations, a rhyme again, saying i am open to conversation with whoever is out there that wishes to communicate, face to face is harder for me so maybe that was a medium that i was comfortable with given my little bit of training, our lessons involved getting into contact with our family on the other side, to religious folk that isn't good, we're not supposed to, it's witchcraft to them isn't it?  I don't know because I found much succour and support and friendship from my visits to spiritualist church, to receiving messages from mediums, i even thought of myself as a conduit or sorts, because the aforementioned meeting with the previous owner of my caravan, and the ghost that lived in our house.

A friend told me that it was someone I had known as a child, who once dead had decided to stay around and keep a guardianship type eye on me, to make sure I was safe but then I could wonder about the temptations in this place, this world, they're out there and so much harder to avoid, sugar, for instance, a big killer, causes inflammation, maybe I'm getting sidetracked but that's the route out and back for me, to write instinctively about things and go with the flow, in the brain it's like cocaine, sugar, refined, refined flour, white bread, the taste of all the things that aren't good for us is sweeter, the palette changes, eating wild food, was helping, is helping, I'm doing that with the spring benefits, nettles, added to dished, but biscuits, when convenience wasn't an issue you ate what you had around you, what you could forage I hark back to an age long gone for the majority of the world, the tribespeople now where man utd or arsenal tops in the jungle.

I will have to see what happens over time, will I have any authentic experiences now I'm clean?

Didn't I feel energy between my hands and play with it as a child, of the woods which is what I was?

Why did I push my sister into the stinging nettles, was someone whispering in my ear, to do such a thing?

On the fringes of so called civilisation wishing to be rid of paperwork, the modern things we lived without.

In this world today is it possible to save up and get away and live without money completely and sugar?

Go back to a life that meant your teeth didn't rot because what you ate was only rarely so sweet?

These things are pipe dreams and unrealistic expectations because I see a need to stay here.

I see a need to find myself a career, bury my head in worlds within worlds, games.

Go back to consoles, consoling myself in the created computer generated.

Wondering again how many of the things that I thought positive are not.

Microsoft I worked in computers and couldn't wait for the next thing.

Loved gadgets but spent most of my money of drink and socialising.

See my move to reconnect with nature and avebury and spirituality as something that took me down and up so many different roads, to places I cherish but can't see me going to again, how do I keep myself safe from temptations when I feel as though they are everywhere in this world, but not for me anymore, what are the limits of possibility, isn't a little bit of theft still stealing, those commandments that I didn't think about before weren't mine to keep they were just rules to be broken like all the others because we are free, others seem to do so, petty though it is to judge others and wonder why or how they choose what's right from wrong.

I know the choices were about, well if it's something from the company i work for then that's ok right?

They're big and I'm small, and this is just a little thing, i've been both sides of these equations.

I see the fine line, the silver route, via de la plata, between the yin and the yang.

I am and have been for a long time been being good all the way.

It never enters my head to swipe something from a friend.

Not that kind of addict that would rob or steal.

I wouldn't break in or take for the sake.

I would borrow, or pay back.

We're all sinners here.

If you look at the ways that the businesses get their products, at some extent there is damage to the environment, whether that's huge greenhouses in spain to create, ok grow, unripened fruits and vegetables so that they arrive in pristine condition but have no smell, no fragrance to the flowers in the so called super-markets because they weren't ever visited by a pollinator, ok why is pollinator pollinator when it's pollen?

A small point but in a way it's incredible that I even have an opportunity to have my say, to write this.

Life is great isn't it?  I am living, sitting here, writing this, eating till I'm full, off to work later, hating the idea of being alone in this world, when others pass away and that it the pain I've been feeling of not having any experience of any other kind of life, didn't know how to cook a roast until recently, from scratch, although I've learnt a lot in a small time, things will happen, life will progress, I just don't want it to that much, change.

I didn't realise how resistant to change I was until I saw how much things had changed whilst I was away.

Away with the fairies, off abroad, knowing how badly I treated those who have raised and protected me.

I didn't even care when they were close to death, saw it as a very specious thing, was blaze about illhealth.

Now I am back down within myself seeing anxiety, my stomach wrenching, symptoms that were hidden???

Been here before so let's stop writing this nonsense and get back to watching some ok t.v. show online.

Filling time with the things that I see others doing, looking for entertainment from the goggle box that in the recent past I felt, I FELT was literally a draw in the corner of the room as though magically not in a good way.  Like being kept away from the point of life which is realisation according to the spiritual types.

Realisation of the truth within us, that we are spiritual beings, living a mortal life to learn this.

I don't know but it keeps me awake at night at the moment, the fantasy isn't back.

I don't go off into my own little world again talking to myself or others.

Who were just figments of my imagination, projections onto real people.

Conversations about a future that will never be, something to hold on to for me.

Let's get back to reality, to dentist appointment, to lift sharing to work, to duck for tea.

All my vegetarianism, the new age thoughts on consuming the fear of the animal that died to feed me.

On at least one level I'm eating the drugs they were fed to keep them healthy, antibiotics in cattle for instance.

Just aswell I don't eat beef, I've tried but when I was a kid I didn't like that sort of thing, brown meat at all.

Took a lot for me to get a taste for it and I must admit I love the crispy skin of a breast of lamb or goat.

Back to all sorts of things from one perspective it's a dead animal, flesh to feed a need for protein.

Even when I was a vegetarian I still felt as though I needed to eat fish for the oils don't open this up again.

This whole thing of supplementation, the archaic diet of the caveman, what should we eat morally?

What ought we to eat to make sure we live healthily now and into our old age to ensure a lack of alzheimers and other degenerative diseases that are merely symptoms of the world we live in and our lifestyles...

So many things to consider and then I like to go to a shop and buy chocolate and eat the whole bar.

Finally a smile on my face, sometimes life feels like torture but not when a goldcrest flew up right next to my window, into the eaves of the house and from one side to the other gave me the closest view i've ever had.

On those occasions and the other nature sights I see, and then there's a plane and I know I'm really here, the games are getting so good graphically, virtual reality too, soon we won't know the difference and some have posited is this a simulation too?  A world created for us to be a part of that isn't strictly real.  I know the temptation that others have had to treat it as such, I see the mindset of those who would think it was ok to do harm to others on the basis that this isn't real, that the other place is, the after life, the other side.

Not me, I don't see that distinction, this is real and all I care about is not fucking up badly anymore.

So when given an ice-cream i eat it, when I see scones on the menu in a tea shop i will try them, but the rest of the time I will try to add such wild foods to my diet that I know are organic, that nature grew, that come with all sorts of dietary benefits that I can trust because I picked them and prepared them and that it true.

feeling alive

it's a shiver, that feeling of excitement inside, all over your body, coming from within, seeing something...

seeing something that I have an emotional connection with, to, feeling the love of something.

knowing that in the past I felt that as a sign of adulthood, of being human.

coming to feel things again and see the truth of the future.

it's in realising how the past was shaped.

how to change going forward.

how to be different.

keep going.

don't become a statistic.

see the beauty of nature and relax.

know there's nothing to do but live your life.

accept that for now it comes with bills and modernity.

wonder about how it could be possible to tread the fine line.

between going back to nature and living in a world so poisoned.

that the air is not clean of lead from small aircraft and the rain seeps in.

into the earth which is toxic because of what we have done to it all this time.

keep going for the sake of others would make sense and know there's no going back.

no treading water put your physicality into it seeing how much effort others place on doing.

see how little time they have to relax because there's always something to be done so do it too.

the basics got left by the wayside because there's a catch twenty two, treated how you deserve to be.

don't grow unless you have the freedom to do so and stretch yourself out your branches and roots and grow.

Sense of smell

So my sense of smell came back and so did my nasal hairs and so did my attention to detail and this annoying way I have to proof read everything and I'm asking questions constantly to the point of becoming a pain in the ass because I find it hard to trust the answers I'm given to a level I might admit would be paranoid because well, let's just say the level to which I was being scrutinised by whatever, whoever it was, was so deep, I could say that it was someone outside of me, a person, persons unknown that was the way it ended, that it was designed to sound to me as though it was anyone, including my family, those around me, so I became distrustful of anyone, medical personnel, the police, I even sat in the passenger seat and gave directions that meant going down country lanes in case I was going to jump out of a moving Police vehicle because I couldn't understand how they could have found me so easily, as evening approached, locally, there I was, maybe a description, or my behaviour, I'd been wandering the streets for a while, back and forth.

Looking back to that period of a few weeks for whatever it was, I know this will sound weird, crazy, religious fanaticism, whatever you want to call it, I was in touch with a part of me, maybe that is more accurate, but then maybe and from my own introspection at the time i was talking to angels and demons.

I was a lord of time, doctor who, one of the personas I most identify with, for me that character is a shaman, a healer, a medicine man, someone capable of finding a solution where others cannot and I wandered the roads, as though the devil herself was behind me, leaving a job behind me, for the safety of the person involved, I left and walked away, feeling as though if I stopped or slowed down, I would be caught, killed, but I never struck out, I never have, whatever the provocation in my own mind, whatever the thought, I've never taken it seriously enough to feel as though I should hurt another, only myself, I headbutted a gate, I felt no pain, ok it smarted a little bit, but i walked it off.  That day as doctor who, I was trying to find a solution to the riddle that is ghosts and spirits, and demons and angels.

I mean, the angels, angelic realms, surely it's boring in heaven, no-one has any sex parts and in hell, they're all squirming all over each other in the dark, I've seen it, in a mushroom experience, literally in the dark, some of them I did that, silent darkness as suggested by T McKenna, I exposed myself to the visions that ensued.

So here I was wandering the lanes of wiltshire, feeling as though I was trying to resolve a dichotomy for the different realms within the universe, the omniverse, whatever it is that is out there, above, below, all of it.

For me there was an obvious lack of bodies for the demon spirits to possess otherwise why would they?

For me there was an obvious glut of planets out there with life, maybe some of it lacked a spirit?

SO I was feeling as though there were realms above and below and planets all around.

It makes no sense now, it came from my book, conversations with goddess.

That I am ashamed to admit alluded to a friendship I thought would go somewhere, and my sense of smell is back, came back so strongly at the time I was going through, because I stopped smoking, I smelt underarm sweat although I barely broke into a real sweat because it was winter still, I was walking a lot on the roads, dressed warmly enough, never eating much, just a little fruit, never taking water so my body became a little gaunt, my face too or so I thought when I looked at it, but then I started overeating afterwards and noticing that I am greedy, like a dog, I felt very low, inhuman even, as though I had stopped breathing, didn't need to.

It's all very confusing looking back and writing about it to get it out, to get it down, because I was down, but never anything other than the feeling that i was being accused of things I cannot refute, because we don't remember everything that went on, however I did see inconsistencies between and within the stories I told myself, about a one night stand, my diary said I slept with this girl, I didn't remember anything happening.

I remember how bad I felt for getting drunk enough to kiss and spend time with her, I never wished to do so ever again, I spent the next several years worrying about having caught something untoward anyway.

I wrote yesterday about being a seer, I predicted winter storms from mid november I believe I was right.

But anyone could do that, and how do I know that what I thought I predicted in my own mind tallies with what I actually said or did?  Well in this case because I did so on my social media profile or in my blog.

So I could look back, but I wish to talk about, write about the bullying I did, or differences between what I thought I knew about the past and inconsistencies between what happened then and what I know now.

I know I posted things willy nilly that may have made inferences that I shouldn't have made, or accusations.

I remembered things that other people did and those that I thought they did and those I saw or heard about.

I said that I thought something big would happen this spring that would affect the world as a whole.

You might say the Panama papers would fit that description, to my mind they don't fit perfectly.

I was hoping for something that would shake up the world and make the magic obvious.

The magic, the energy, the love that I felt for the world, the connection, the healing.

It's gone, and I don't think I want it back if it's just something I make believe.

If believing in it, makes it possible for me to feel it, in my hands, then so be it.

That's a pretty powerful indictment of reiki and other things and placebo.

It suggests practitioners, and patients, clients make it up for themselves.

But I don't think that is the truth here, so maybe the drugs make it up for me.

Maybe the drugs and coming off them, being on them, coming off them, that's it.

I know I'm repeating myself here, but it's a sorry state of affairs, mixed up with spirituality.

I've seen how this has lead me down certain paths, one day maybe I will know the truth of it all.

In some ways the most profound things that have happened have been the most beautiful in my life.

That's the crux, the cross I have to bear, the ways I will always wonder where the dividing line was.

I know the idea that I did two hours of energy healing for Michael Shumacher sounds like a lie.

Maybe everyone who loves him, sending him their best wishes has kept him alive to this day.

Do we have an effect like that on others?  When we send them our love, or think of them.

Does empathy have a powerful effect, I know sympathy can make people feel worse.

I've understood the difference before and explained it, feeling with someone or for.

Maybe I'm an emotionless robot, a connectionless husk.  A sociopath of sorts.

Maybe that's the wound that is healing, im coming back to myself finally.

Having loaned out this shell to all sorts of ways of numbing it for years.

Bah humbug I even got into the christmas spirit, we use those words a lot in this world.

Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?  A triumph of the human spirit.

As though we believe that the heart is more than the head.

As though we believe there is a spirit inside us in our body.

In my circles we talk of being spirits in a body living our life.

We converse about these matters, that matter is physical but.

We are energy, e=mc2 matter times time squared = energy...

That is what we are, information, experiences, feelings, emotions, lives lived, smiles given, hugs, laughter.

Does it matter that my life revolved around expressing myself in such ways and that I have noticed that I don't thank people, then when I do it feels forced, as though it's an act, it makes me want to be normal.

It makes me wonder how much of my life was a story I was telling myself that wasn't true, a false projection onto the world around me that was allowing me to see myself as someone I was not, or is this just temporary?  Is this just a clear vision of the truth at the moment, as it is now, for me now.

A way for me to see what I could be, what I was, how I need to change, to see the shadow inside, shine a light, move towards some kind of enlightenment within this experience, is it more than meets the eye?

Because I was living in such a way that my eyes were not the big goggly things on my face, in my head.

They were the eyes inside my head, the eyes inside my heart that thought I felt something I did not.

I see the lies I've told myself and all I can do is live in this truth, live in this world from now on.

See the ways that I don't look after myself and do something about them for others sakes.

But that's the crux again, my cross to bear, shouldn't I do the right thing by me for me?

Getting to the truth of who you are

Strange that as usual, although I am loathed to refer to the last few months as usual, I reverted or found solace at least in watching films, some of which I have to say are quite violent in nature and theme, the Bond films that have been made recently, the Bourne films, I even had myself down as a secret agent myself in many ways, but publicly, as i've been open about the healing that I thought I was doing, and felt I was.

So I'm hurting a little from the work I'm doing but ya know what?  The constant physical exertion seems good, the lack of any time to think, just work like stink seems to help, keeping a routine albeit a very late night and very early morning one, whatever, it's earning some money, makes me feel good to being paying my way and even things like writing a certain number of lines, or not using commas, other forms of, whatever it is you call the things that come at the end of lines, or give pause, constipation, separation, pronunciation, I had it then, punctuation, you see, my brain has been quite frazzled, certain things weren't working too well, short term memory, learning new things, takes quite a few times, focus, listening to what someone is saying and not becoming distracted by the surroundings, other soundings, the lack of rhyming here, just writing words is good.

The fact that I'm not so hung up on certain numbers, let's say the amount of times I use the salt cellar in my porridge, eating what I like, feeling as though I have a new lease on life, as though I'm connected to more of who I was in the past, as though memories are opened up to areas I had blotted out, school days, songs of that era, looking back isn't such a bad thing, even though I didn't really like that period so much.

Then I think hey I'll watch some comedies to cheer myself up, I don't have to watch things that I think will inform my situation, always on the internet looking for spiritual information, films, clips, people, articles that will somehow give me some solace, or tell me what's going on, there's a lot of things I've given up, like football, I used to care more about that stuff, maybe only to fit in mind you, I don't miss it, but I did used to enjoy watching it, so I know I became obsessed with spiritual matters because I felt something was going on in the world that I wanted to know about, I felt lead to try to learn the truth of the matter at hand.

I felt as though that was the point of life, but maybe it's just living it, having relationships with the people in it, taking more interest in how they are, if there's anything you can do for them, like I used to, I've been single my whole adult life, pretty much so I always had a lot of time to think of nice things to do for others, friends, whoever, family members, make them a cd of music, do them a favour, fix something with their computer, whatever it was that was who I was, because I guess deep down I knew I wasn't so great at relationships themselves, and today I felt, I had all these thoughts in my head, it's a nervousness, a feeling of lacking any control, feels like a control freakishness, I'm sat in the car, where are you?  Did you hear the horn?  Are you coming?  Inside I'm feeling anxious, is that the right word?  Was all this there but masked by smoking weed?

It's a bit like being born, feeling naked, fresh, unprotected by my lack of caring about such things, not thinking, looking back on conversations I had with someone online, seeing how confident I was, even though they were coming out with some really quite unnerving things, I just seemed to bat them back, give them a positive perspective, try to say something to give them hope, tried to do the right thing, tried to be someone who could give them some words of encouragement, and again just recently I saw this blog as somehow being written by me, for me, as though I would need it all, should reread it all, or something like that.

There is a fear, it's grown weaker and less present, awaking in the morning it came back, thinking about it now is like running a program on a computer, so I know that's why a lot of people end up in therapy or so I think, because they are constantly reliving things, so constantly keeping them current and in that way it becomes a recurrent nightmare, so I hope that isn't the case, I hope these are loops that are becoming less frequent, less self referential, I miss the magical feeling of sensing someones energy but I see that I may have persuaded myself quite easily, taken what others said, out of context maybe.

So without naming any names, or even hinting, let's say the early days when I was dancing and offering massage as a consequence of seeing those who worked hard at parties, at events, who never seemed to have much fun, I would mention it and try to raise a smile, make sure they got a chance to let loose once in a while, the rhymes still occur to me occasionally, so let's go with them, but then I did a massage for a make up artist who did, quite naturally, a very long makeup job on me because I gave her a big donation for her work.

I wanted to sit there, for a while and chill out, when I came round from my reverie, there all over my head, but not my mouth incase I might end up kissing someone I said and over my chest was a huge beautiful psychedelic tree, for me, to my mind, the world tree, and what I wanted to write about is coming back to me, in the past I would write something and come full circle, even talking if you gave me enough time I would finally, even if I lost my train of thought, come back to it, come back to what I meant to say.  The world tree.

There on my chest was this beautiful tree, and when I was ill, or experiencing spirituality, feeling it, being it, you decide, because I can't anymore, I experienced the most creative period of my life, artistically.  I'm not a good drawer or painter, never have been, I can copy things, I even did a christmas present that was considered  quite nice and was framed, but I had to be honest, it didn't take that long, I ruined the thought that counts in that case I'm sure, but that's another story, I gave up drawing when I took up smoking I feel.

Lots of who I was were given up or put to one side forever because in the adult world you have to work.

I have been striving to get back to a way of living where I would have free time to make things again.

But that period of creativity, I mean for real, some would say it was hellish the picture I painted, because well it was, it stands there as a testament, and the word comes out quite naturally, like hymns from primary school or religious songs have been coming to mind from time to time, give me oil in my lamp, keep me praising.

There is this work of art, I painted, with my fingers, expressively, to me it looks like the base, the trunk, the area around and the foliage and cannopy of a tree, a great tree, the shamanic world view, of a great world tree, the norse mythology?  The lower world, looks like this, a place to learn lessons, the middle realm, where we ought to reside, the upper realm that of spirit?  That of ethereal, angelic, that of those above?

You see there are such parallels to be found amongst the different spiritual traditions even Bhuddism which does not purport to be a religion, apparently includes the idea of a hell that is already frozen over.

AS recently as a few months ago, and I see that it was not real, but to my mind something, someone was coming after someone close to me, this was real to me, so I'm proud of the fact that I stood in the way.

I faced my fears in so many ways, as though there are fears in life that need to be faced, I did so, I find them worrying real and difficult to face now, because I haven't been shown how to, or had to, been sheltered from them, don't blame anyone, I have to and realise how stupid it is to judge anyone else, those judgements make me feel stupid immediately, they are just doing their best, in that way I find myself with little to say.

Little because otherwise most of my commentary would be on others, the guy at work with the massive forehead, I didn't notice it because he usually wears a hat, I find myself like a child, staring at the disabled, the strange looking, the things that stand out, saying things that could get me killed, no, injured badly.  Seeing a guy, asking are you from north africa?  Marroco?  I'm from Egypt he says, that was silly of me, of course I'm in no danger but it comes across as judgemental to racially profile someone like this so I know how naive I am and have even been accused of it as though that is something I should be ashamed of or something.

I find the emotions of others very harsh, or maybe i'm being oversensitive, when lately all I feel is as though I am insensitive, care only about my own situation, or as though I'm going through the motions, doing what I think others would do, even though I'm acting, trying to explain this is hard, it's like feeling like a fraud, at life, as though I've suddenly realised how little I feel for those around me, but I get emotional, I've faced adrenaline in such a way that it hollowed me out, I felt like my heart might stop from the physical things I was put through when I went on my wanders around the local environment, and knowing what I put people through makes me scared enough to never wish to put them through that again and that gives me enough strength to make sure i never do anything to perturb my conciousness again if that's what I did.

But then I know that it's hard for me not to try to find, seek out truth, healing, for myself, and I see that it was that that I was feeling as though I was giving others, when I did that first massage, in public, but not showoffingly, just hey let me give you a shoulder massage as you've been working hard to give others pleasure, now you ought to get some relief, I worked, and felt as though I ought to do these movements, I had seen, so I can't say I made them up, but I thought they came out of me, because I was acting instinctively, I was sweeping down the body, and away, now I can see that maybe I was just aping what I had seen on something on t.v. the work of a healer, a shaman maybe, you see I doubt everything, energy, the things I've felt in my hands, the ways I worked for others, thought I was sending them healing, back to square one again, but that person said, you've just cleared my aura, after I had finished, so confirmation bias, I don't, couldn't explain it to you, but my subconcious knows what I mean by that, I took things people said that seemed to confirm that what I was doing was working for them was evidence that the healing I was doing was working and I ran with that and it all became proof in my mind that I was a healer, could send energy, could remotely sense someones energy field, whatever you wish to call it, their energy body, their life-force, the root of all this not esoteric, but mystical, magical, loving healing ways of being in the world.

For me, whether I did it in the right way, whatever happened recently I felt was both a call to arms, but not violence in any way, except in self defence of my family, to ensure they came to no harm, but i saw my own cowardice, my failure to act, reminding me of the time I saw someone run over and was frozen to the spot, the time I was first aider for the football team.  Then there are the occasions where I have responded with real confidence, I guess they were later in life, so maybe that makes sense, without so much fear, I trained for such situations, tried to learn how to cope, but i find myself scared of the future, scared to seek out prospects for living my own life, somewhere else, now do not have any idea why I would want to move away, what I would do there, certainly not a healer, not confident to meet people in a private setting to provide massage, because I refuse to train formally, I can't face the paperwork, the training, that removes to my mind the instinctive within me that seemed to know what to do for others, when it came out of me.

Consistency that's what I'm getting at, maybe it's a fallacy, but I know the ways that I must wait and see.

For I have been through a lot, maybe one day, should I wait longer, forever, be a burden or am I a help here?  I've grown closer in terms of opening up more, and asking more questions but really I feel as though I'm asking these of myself for the first time literally, what do I want from life, how will I cope when I'm on my own, I look back at the emails and relationships I had albeit electronically, but then back in the day I phoned folks, or they phoned me, I've become so isolated because they don't know how to deal with me, or because I don't make the effort to keep in touch, and they don't because I let them atrophy, those friends.

They way I've acted since the time when I chose to see 11:11 as something to be looked into and other signs that I thought suggested the end of days, the start of the revealing of the truth, I've written before about the dictionary definition of the word armageddon and also the other one beginning with A that means

An apocalypse (Ancient Greek: ἀποκάλυψις apokálypsis, from ἀπό and καλύπτω meaning "uncovering"), translated literally from Greek, is a disclosure of knowledge, i.e., a lifting of the veil or revelation.

I read revelation recently, because I had tried a few times, drawn to these sorts of writings and who has time to read the whole of the bhagavad gita and the rest of the vedic writings really?  Not me, I've flicked through, someone sent me a .pdf adobe file of some book about magic, esoteric something or other, crowley, i wrote about him because I had him on my boot as a tiny lepracaun figure to be shooed away, stomped on, it's not funny I'm sure, given the sorts of things he was said to have done, or maybe he's been demonised in order to scare people  off something that would help the normal folk become more than they are, the true human being, whatever it is that the egyptians were doing, the ruling class under the guidance of the priests.

Immortality, the passage to the afterlife with your dogs and chariots, and with your brains and guts in jars.

You see this whole place is a giant pickle, more like a swiss cheese plowmans if you ask me now, I can see the funny side, and hope I offer no disrespect, because I feel as though there's little I can do but hand on in there, knowing I have little desire to answer these great questions any more, except to try to have enough respect to treat myself body and mind, who knows about soul and spirit, so as to be in good health mentally.

At the same time, I'm dropping the superstitious nonsense as much as possible, wondering whether or not once I've paid the debts that I see from the times when I wasn't working and those I know I owe those close, once I've got myself some kinda headway into saving, or at least cleared those debts, just fuck off to Magaluf or one of the other alcohol soaked pleasure resorts and really get debauched because I've saved myself for a love I cannot see, given the lengths I've gone to not to get anywhere near anything romantically.

I've literally faced years of thinking one thing, and not doing anything about it except that, and finding it for nought, romantic fantasies that were clearly never going to be anything but that, communication not withstanding, because i'm too fucking wordy here, and don't speak up in private or in public, face to face.

I don't wish to either, I really don't, I don't wish to enter into any kind of relationship with anyone, and yet while I was doing healing I also flip flopped between work ethics like now, and then going abroad to dance.

It's a wonder anyone has even given me a chance to come back from this latest episode, and it's not funny.

So I'm going to go to bed, now that I'm nearing the time when I get home from my shifts at the parcel factory.  Ok it's a warehouse where things come in on lorries and then go out again, grounding me in the insanity that is the planet we live on, where beauty and inanity reside side by side, and surgical gloves.

They are needed and there's lots of them going back and forth, and toilet roles, and car and tractor tyres, and all sorts of things made out of wood, and plants and trees, and heavy things with fragile written on them.

It's a strange world, where I have to leave my bank card at home otherwise I might go to tescos open twenty four hours and buy alcohol and chocolate, or the salt and vinegar peanuts and cheesecake I did last week.

I'm managing not to completely fall into old habits, trying to remembering the other folks I owe who helped me out in the meantime, the average of high times and low times and here I am hoping to be an average joe.

Keep the old bank balance in the black, don't go out wearing my shamanic, tantric uniform of black trousers, red tshirt, as it became over time, because they were my work trousers, and they were a gift and then there are all the strange things that were happening around me, that I took or made into the strangeness that made me question those in my sphere whose lives i have no influence on and no interest in usually, i see it, i see how uninterested I am in the lives of those who just want to be heard, like I do, rabbiting on but not listening when it's their turn to speak, I see my own self interest, I see it clearly, it doesn't feel nice to see that, lonely.

To know you don't care about others, their lives, just realising how bereft you are, seeing the shadow so clearly, and wishing to come into the centre, the middle way, please, finally, read the red book, liber novus, doesn't that mean new book or is that my poor understanding of latin, c.j.jung's masterpiece?  I don't find the time because I'm trying not to go down those roads, but then I read somewhere or get drawn back my my inability to be interested in anything but the answer to the riddle that is this place, the mysteries, illusions.

Are all seers crazy, do they tread a fine line, are they that much more sensitive, more euro fighter like?

I.E.  Very unstable in some ways, so much so that they can be flicked from one side to the other easily?

In other words, as much as the general populace do their best to be normal and ignore the questions...

Am I just prone, have become so, am trying not to be, to asking them?  To being this fluid and impressionable and will it indeed go on until I enter the tunnel from which a light is said to come?

Because at that point as some in other cultures so, and they know the several stages there are to death, to the procedures required to make the necessary transition from life to whatever happens next, maybe forewarned is forearmed or maybe I'm wasting my only chance at experiencing doing cool shit?

SO I'm torn between eating every item on the menu at the cafe I discovered with a friend and eating really healthily and taking up meditation, I'm torn between getting fucked by some slapper and preserving my sexual energy within me so that it rises up my spine to the higher chakras, there are challenges to that path and I know that keeping good habits makes those less challenging, because you have to eat right, live right, be disciplined, in order not to kundalini yourself into a mental home, the internet don't get me started.

It's like the middle ages or a market somewhere in a pre celtic, pre roman world where all questions could be answered by gutting an animal, asking your question as the entrails told their tails who knows the truth?

I don't but I'm relieved if it's any consolation that my sun gazing is over and my full moons now go unnoticed and i can see why so many fall by the wayside if there is such a narrow path between the eye of the needle and the camels ass as it passes through I hope this isn't coming out as nastily as it might sound to all of you.

It feels like a friend, and there they came about again, and I realised there are things I've done that I don't remember so well, ok I'm getting on, but when folks saying crazy things come around when I'm feeling pretty crazy myself and realising what I've been through, it doesn't help to feel like the whole world is going crazy at the same time, unless that's good evidence that we're all connected and then I hope that's a good thing.

Thank goodness is the closest I come to saying the word, beginning with g that folks exclaim with when they're coming close to feeling as though they wish to describe something incredible in their lives...

Thanks goodness for family

I miss the old days

Said this would be my last go around this mortal coil, felt as though it would be, but maybe that's just me.

Now I revel in replaying the walks I've made across the continent, by looking at the imagery I took.

Bucket List

So immediately i managed to go right back to what I would have done in the past.

Took my bank balance to the limit of what i thought i needed and now it's insured.

My insurance company have decided to nearly triple my premiums will it not end?

So I have to knuckle under, buckle under the strain of the stress of working again.

I went to work with a bad foot, ankle, but managed to fight my mind and the pain.

I stuck out the shift and found the pain was gone again maybe that  was the same.

The thing I learnt on vipassana that pain is an impermanent sensation,  live with it.

I'm resting it up and finding that this way I will have to really find resources within.

I have to be strong enough to fight this little imp inside me that says do what you will, eat your fill, eat sugar, drink coffee when you don't normally, don't just drink water and get well, don't just eat vegetables like you were, I was eating so well that the weight just dropped off me, making my own chocolate healthily and yes I was finally loving me, I even spent all my money on others for christmas even though I don't revel in this new consumerist paradigm of spending money on things to celebrate the festival of the birth and then life of a man that we're not even sure existed, not that I don't respect the religion, I don't blaspheme, I don't swear about it.  I tend to leave religions where they are as some kind of thing that others take very seriously and that's up to them, the morals are worthwhile, the commandments make sense, treat others as you would wish to be treated is the heart of it, I was being so charitable, maybe this period shows me how I don't wish to be.

Shows me the shankaras?  I forget the spelling but it's the root of all let's say it, evil within us, darkness.

The root of all of our bad habits, the reasons why we don't love ourselves, some would say the subconcious programming within us that makes us fail at new years resolutions, so I swear, I promise, to think of others.

I make a vow, I see the experiences I've had, the things around me that I chose to include in my fastasies like the phone lines suddenly going out of order, or the way that people say things I can prove are not true.

That hurts them but they're getting old, or lying to themselves first, or just plain wrong, so let them be.

I'll just fucking have to make sure I deal with these deepest aspects of myself and keep good habits.

It's easier now that I don't have much of a social life, I can see how withered my life has become.

It's not funny but it gives me a lot of time to face challenges, do chores, tidy up around me.

Do my fair share, treat life as though it was no longer a rehearsal so I want to ride.

I want to ride a horse, I want to do white water rapids, go canoeing one day.

Maybe do a parachute jump, who knows, stop concentrating on thoughts.

Working is helping and this way whatever my situation as long as it's not affecting other negatively at least that way I will know I can deal with the pain I suffer, I can manage not to take it out on others, in the way I talk to them, I see it and it makes me sad, I shouldn't open up to those close about what I've been through.

It hurts them to hear what I experienced so I won't talk to them anymore about it and I know I feel alone.

But hey I'll roll with the punches, and see what this new attitude does to the world I see around me.

Who knows, maybe one day this all will become clear and i'm not clever enough to work it out.

Maybe ours is just to do and die after all not reason why, why are we here I thought I would.

I thought maybe if I kept asking the answers would become clear, they seemed to enter in.

They seemed to come right into my mind, I could actually feel them coming as though.

As though being implanted but then all of this sounds just like madness to the docs.

I know, because I've read about it, so we're going to have to agree to disagree.

If I can assume that I have the best chance of remission and long term recovery by not doing what I was doing, by not getting dragged back into those types of behaviour I was misbehaving at then we'll see.

Once a month if I can get my head down and find the place I can stick at long enough that pays well.

I will make sure I do one of those things that I have mentioned and see how it feels to just live life.

See how long it takes for all the rest of this stuff that I got carried away by fall by the wayside.

See what happens when instead of charging at the bull with your head down into it's head.

You actually start a daily meditation practise, I do so every evening before bedtime.

I will see what happens when I keep on keeping on, don't give up giving up.

It's hard not to see the ways that my writing style has changed but I like the fact that now I can write and let it flow, but also think on it too, I like my dreams, I like my sense of smell but not the fumes of others smoking, it fucking stinks, that's why I like the fresh air of my caravan and the space away to allow others so much peace and quiet from me, they laugh and talk about things and I don't feel like joining in, I'm sorry.

Maybe I will again, maybe there is a way back onto the straight and narrow, bucking up, to fly right once more.  Haven't folks made this journey before so many times, maybe even I have as I used to say, but then i've been messing with my own  perceptions for so long, knowing what I write when I'm high seems so darned profound at the time, feels so right too, but afterwards you have to take a short sentence and lengthen it to explain what you sensed at the time, what you thought you understood, to try to tell others, but then again I've found so few are interested, they're tired from their jobs or don't care, they just want to sleep.

I wonder about this whole are you awakened thing that goes on in spiritual circles, are you a sheep, are you asleep, is there a good side to spirituality is it a trick of the bad one, is there a good one, one goodness?

Or is it all in fact a demi god, a half life, a trick that you can't see through or win because it's rigged?

The creation of something that enjoys watching our suffering but then there are those who love.

I love them, the couples married for years, they had such love, I'm happy for others.

That brings a lump to my throat, then I think of young lovers on a picnic.

I'll never have that, why not, when we met in the summer?

Oh well, looking back was never my strong suit.

So much more of my life has been opened.

So much more to see and remember.

So much more oil in my lamp.

When I never believed.

In a god before.

Faith in me.

Was rare enough...

I know it, have felt it recently.

It starts with a complete lack of it entirely.

That becomes quite quickly a sense of confidence.

And if I'm not careful a lack of care for anyone but me.

So for goodness sake I can only relate this as something I can see.

Knowing I have to work so hard to change this internal situation and quickly.

But also try to take it one day at a time and stop acting and reacting so harshly and rashly.

Such a difficult thing for someone who panics and struggles not to push everyone away I'm sorry.

Trying to make sure none of this ever sounds like goodbye, because I said that I remember I was going.

I was feeling as though I should say the words, goodbye, and kiss, my voice, in my head said kiss your mam goodbye, there was a lot of welshness coming out of me, I even thought I had an accent but that's just me.

Apparently...

What is life for?

Is it to experience things?

To work through lessons?

To learn from our mistakes?

But how if we don't remember?

Have we lived before and was it here?

Will we live again and is that to be transcended?

Aren't we supposed to see through the illusion that is separation?

Can the normal person off the street afford the time to ask these questions?

Do they even care?  The regular guy or girl who just wants to live and be happy?

Who doesn't even have these thoughts occur to them when they're just living life...

What is the dichotomy between the two ideals that I have seen, the gaian mind and
the idea that this is an illusion to be transcended so that we never have to come again?

Is the world a living being, an energy, have a spirit of its own, a spirit of nature, of the rock?

The new agers would have you believe that there is a life to everything and that we should revel in our place here, respect the earth and that is a no brainer, surely respect the place that gave you life and will not be able to in the future because it's being ravaged by everyone whether they know it or not or care, it is so...

The environment is under threat and has been ever since our rubbish went from being sea shells on a midden mound to the plastic refuse that breaks up into micro particles like the ones being added to clean our teeth.

Toothpaste and other products have tiny bits of the deceased creatures of the past in the form of crude oil, literally the crude and desecrated remains of dead things, as a black sludge raised from the sea bed and undersoil, then turned into fuel for our vehicles and other products like plastics that can be recycled.

I've worked there at a recycling plant for plastics, the only recycling that is going on makes money for someone, unless it's true recycling like being buried in order to feed worms, to rot as I would have my body do when I die, in one of the cardboard coffins, or willow ones like those I have been carrying and respecting as much as I can, from lorry to conveyor belt to lorry again off to go to someone to be put inside at death.

Death has been a very present facet of my life recently, older people tend to think on it more, I do, have done, who would go to my funeral I have wondered, how many, and would they be there out of respect, or would it be a duty they are carrying out, the fear of facing the future, the death of those I know and love, and then I come back to the very thing of life, love, do I love?  Have I ever loved anyone?  This shell seems to have loved in the past, or at least empathised, and cared for, yearned to love I have it on my fucking back.

I have yearned to love though I have not loved, nondum amabam et amare amabam is about unconditional love, the rest of it I had added because I wanted to finish the story down my spine, tatooed as though these things become, take on a life of their own, become embued within us, as above so below, above all I have writ in letters that burnt and hurt recently as they are wont to do occasionally, "I sought what I might love in love with loving"...  SO what is to be done with this life apart from trying to avoid debt and find some joy?

For I struggle to see much joy in merely carrying on as before, and these spiritual questions loom  large and have done so because whether the experiences I have had were of my own making, in other words the creations of my own mind, my own subconcious processes, turned terrible but great, mesmerising in their own way, totally believable at the time but laughable now in many ways, I can see how stupid, how crazy, I can see what a mistake it was at that time to believe what was going on in my own mind, I can see the folly.

I can see that lying in my bed under the covers afraid of spirits coming to stab me with poisoned daggers whether they were demons come to torture me or angels come to warn me is completely daft and insane.

BUT...  There are the times that I have done things and others confirmed them so are they crazy too?

Can I find any evidence of things that happened to me that happened to others at the same time?

I know that a friend of mine and I saw ufos and I'm convinced we both saw the same thing.

Am I to go back to everyone I've ever met and ever known and question them?

All I wish for and am recovering in myself is the sense  that I can see the truth of how weird what I was doing seems, I can see it, I can see how obsessed with numerology, doing things in twos threes fours and fives, all at sixes sevens and eights, seeing significance in those numbers and then why not?  It's a pickle it sure is...

Glad though to be doing normal things, drinking some cider, eating some shit food, then wondering is there any point in doing good to myself, treating myself right, shouldn't I just make the most of this life?  Eat what I want and enjoy it given how fraught with danger and mishap life is?  I see how fragile and wonder is it all a joke?  Were all drug experiences mere illusions in themselves, as A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada said they were but I decided not to believe him or was caught up in my desire to find my own way through?

He said that they were all hallucinations and I find my mind coming back to itself by playing scrabble, over time all sorts of rational things that were fading because I was so focussed on the creative side of the brain, the non rational expression of life was my goal, to leave rationales behind, because I saw science as a lie.

I saw realism as the goal of those who would deny there is any magic in the world and my world was so much more for all the times I thought I was doing the bidding, and saying it like that makes it sound bad, but I assumed because of the ride I was on that I was doing good, in the grand scheme of things, by what I said, what I did, how I danced, how I pranced around Stonehenge, but I too see the addiction to a drug or two.

I see the ways in which I allowed my addictions to drive my behaviour, still I see it now today, weakness, because I drank a bit and then that led to certain wants that I felt as a craving for one thing lead to another.

SO this human nature is a bastard, and that was what I kept coming back to in my deepest spiritual visions, that we are all the product of rape, a dragon having sex with a feminine archetype, an egg and a serpent, the kundalini in our spines, rising up as a spiritual energy when we do yoga and eat properly, it all got demonised by whatever was going on with me, people around me too, I wondered are they up to something, doing things in my environment to send me doolally, now I see that it was much more likely me, that was doing those things but unaware as we so often are of everything going on around us, not all of the time can we see.

This cosmic womb, the void from which we sprang, this universe of possibilities that seems like a hell to me.

Seems like a place for everyone to get precisely what they wish for so be careful and I came to see deep within that my wish was for everyone to be happy, I've said it when everything was going dark around me.

I was at a festival and my trip went bad, I was told within my own mind that I could see the darkness,  I could see everyone as the other side of the coin if I so chose, to see the devil in the detail instead of the god.

I've been there laying on my front waiting for the hammer to fall and maybe I've gone on about this too much.  If there's a god, and it can hear us, it certainly does not, DOES NOT have the power to kill us.

Or at least it chose not to do so when I asked so fervently for that to be the case the last time I was here.

This time, I said hurt me, don't hurt anyone else, kill me, not them, I delved deeper inside myself than ever.

I hope that what I am seeing is the shadow, because it's sick and I hope that means I can choose to change it.  I can choose to go a different way to the ways I went in the past, it's easy when you know how so do it.

Choose a self and be that one, keep on going, changing for the better, for the good of others and wait and see.  Because at some point in the end I will see what the point of this all was when I die and so will we all.

Will there be a great blackness, nothingness, if there is then maybe we will never know.

Will there be a light, at the end of a tunnel, a figure beckoning me to go there towards it.

Some schools of thought say that is a trap, it would be better to go towards disillusionment.

Rather I should say disillusion, complete dissolution, dissolving into nothingness rather than rebirth.

As though the beings waiting for us at death would pretend to be god, jesus, whoever we believe in.

Precisely to take our energy, our information, and send it back here, because that is what drives them.

What feeds them and it's scary to learn that you may have to make a choice that will be elementary.

That choice may take you somewhere you don't like, or that leads to an eternal heaven or hell.

This whole thing is a great question one that has driven many to the brink of where I am.

Thank goodness I know that I have done enough to deserve some punishment.

That is why I was fully expecting every animal that dies so I could live would drag me down to the earth.

Drag me down to hades, to the underworld, but instead in my vision I rose up, to take off, to leave my body, laid as I was in the forest on the soil, with some coniferous branches beneath me, and two large tree branches on either side of me, not a shallow grave as I wrote at the time but similar, a bit fake.

Not a shamanic thing at all, you're supposed to get buried properly or so I am told, I doubt my magic.

I doubt the fact that all others are supposed to be trained by the one who came before them are they not?

I know that an out of body experience, an OOBE as they are known can involve shaking, a friction as the body and the spirit are split, as the spirit rises up out of it, that is what I thought was going on to be true.

And when people look down and see their body they get scared, so I will continue not to smoke.

I will continue to experience my dreams, and train my self to become lucid in them, try to unravage my mind by being healthy as healthy as I can be when sugar has a hold on me and so does chococlate biscuits, and greed and this need to treat my body harshly because I have things on my conscience that make it hard for me to have people treat me kindly, how deeply they run I don't know but they seem somatic and make me panic, because I find my breath has stopped working automatically as it should, my stomach stuck, stopped.

What an adventure though, to feel in the same day as though I would rather be dead and smile and laugh?

TO be able to experience this at all whilst falling through space that is not a void at all, not  a vacuum.

There is stuff out there, dark energy that in my good times I posited was actually the unused imaginatons of the body populace, the body politic, the little guys and girls whose heart and minds have been stolen by their phones and mind numbing spirit crushing game shows, aren't we all living a a deficit world now indebted to it?  By it, by those who I should not blame for our situation they merely profit from it the rich, privileged.

Don't get me started on sex, I haven't because I haven't been in a relationship, and believe that love was more important than mere physical accomplishment, the need that most succumb to for physical succour.

I have loved the hugs though, thankyou for the music and the hugs though people thankyou so much for that.