You are where you live

It's said and it's very true that you are what you eat, after all the body is replenished all the time from what we put into it, and the minerals that were there at birth are slowly used up so we need to keep replacing them by eating good whole food, unprocessed foods, raw vegetables, wild food, what some consider weeds, like nettles, plantain, dandelions, in fact there are so many things seen as weeds that are edible and not just edible but herbs, I'm only just learning this now and it surprises me because i live in the country, my parents will have eaten some of these things but even they didn't go to the lengths that I am to include such things in my diet and i will continue and go on from here to add and learn about all sorts of things that grow in the environment, are organic because they are not fed pesticides, herbicides, they are not treated like crops, they grow where they wish to grow, nature creates this herbal medicine cabinet quite naturally, and for me the environment where we live is just as important as the things we eat, the air we breathe, the water we drink.

We are where we live, just as much as being what we eat, i get to ground my feet on the earth and allow myself to connect to the soil and feel a part of nature, I have suggested this to someone whose head is in the clouds and this touches on something important, when you've had an experience of being god, i was still me I grant you, but i was god, or at least i connected to the part of me, the spark, that was there at the big bang, was there at the creation of all this and saw the end too, i saw a timeline stretching from beginning to end, but i was just still me, a human being, being god, connecting to what it felt like to wish the best outcome for everyone including me, that was something I had to accept as part of the process of living and dying here.

I saw that getting high is not a good idea for someone who has been that high, who has literally felt like they were risen above this world below, not in the way that i ever felt like others were mere mortals and i was not, never in the way that i thought i was something special if they cannot be too, i feel as though we could all be in amazing health, feel the energy of life flowing through us, connect to resources within us that heal and help others by using natural talents that our inhibitions hold us back from attaining possibly, that is the quest.

So I see that if I had lived in the city, my behaviour would have gotten me hospitalised and then I would have been in a place unconducive to healing, okay it would have been the right place for others, the medical professionals, the mental health professionals have to have somewhere to do their work, but in the past it was a more regional health centre, somewhere with gardens, somewhere you were an outpatient, not drugged and kept locked up, that was my fear of those places, I know someone who was there for her own good.  So I don't contend that there is not a need for such places, but like prison, you are where you live.

You get used to a routine, I needed as soon as possible to get back outside, to feel the sun on my face, to walk in the fresh air, although admittedly I had been doing a lot of walking, out in the cold okay yes, but still, like a criminal in a cell, if I had gotten used to being locked up, with others of the same ilk, learning from them, hospital might have become a habit, the environment may have become something that rather than healing me in the long term, in the short term at least I may have found it more difficult to come back to myself, a part of me knew that and stressed very strongly, calmly though, came back to myself, to explain that I needed good habits, good food, exercise, that was the way back to who I am, to recovery, for me.

I hope I've explained this well, I know that others have been hospitalised many times during their own process to learn what it is in their life that causes this sort of thing, i have journeyed along my own path, seen the memories that have driven me, the way that we deal with grief, the way that family deals with things, the ways that I won't go into that have lead me to where I am today, I see it all more clearly than ever before.

I see my own habits that I need to change, around treating myself and thus others with more respect, seeing their needs, seeing how selfish it is to not put others first when it comes to the daily grind and not seeing this sort of thing as more important than getting the energy up together to help out at home, to help others that I said I would, do more, work harder, silence the voices inside that say you are worth more than this, over the top perhaps because I felt I was meant for something better than lugging parcels around, silence the thoughts that say quit this job, walk out and go home, don't take the pain, don't work here, for many they don't listen at all, they drudge because they have to and i am grateful for the opportunity i have had in the past to do so, because i had the support behind me, that allowed me to leave when i should have stayed in many  ways a crutch that wanted a quiet life and never stood up to me and said hey you can't do that, don't leave work.

I see how selfish I've been and i am working hard to get to a point where I can support myself and not have to keep going back to those who will not always be around, finally quit the habits that let me fly those fantasies that were not good in the long run, see the graft that it takes to create a home, a life, a love.

I know there are reasons why I have dealt with certain things and I can see why it's a good thing that there was never anyone in my life, those friends that something could have happened with I'm glad it didn't for their sake, i've said it before, i would not have given them a happy life, unless of course I'd quit the things that sent me flying high in the first place, perhaps my life would have been different without the addictions and outside it's hailing again so i must go and get washed and cleaned up and ready for work again knowing there are chores and things to do that are more important that my worrying about my own health, taking my mind off my mind is a very great comfort because the monotony of work creates less time for worry and stress.

Less time for the patterns that created the issues in the first place to reassert themselves, I may not have that much love for myself but i know enough that i have to go on for the sake of others, that is enough for now.