Just watched a film based on a true story and i have to accept that even the true story, if it was told by the people who were there, will be from their perspective, motives now for the retelling, or the marketing mean that the person involved will say things they mean but aren't true, the world is so full of fakery, lies, deceit and i am struggling with that because I find it hard to trust entirely what I hear, without the desire and need to check it, after all what we thought we knew a while ago, let alone the years since we were at school, or since we learned something, it's constantly changing, and out there are a million opinions, can we believe the average one, can we believe the one we hear most often? Let's say health and wellbeing, for me the past is a measure of what represent health and wellbeing, people lived long lives in fairly good health, or did they?
Do I have a picture of the past that is inaccurate based on my desire to think on the past as being better than the world we live in today? You see for me, there is an intelligence in nature, communication going on, instincts and learning gained from some careful experimentation, and instincts, I know that for instance, chimpanzees have knowledge of the one out of four species of a similar plant that aids digestion, or is a medicine that they benefit from eating in their diet, i may have the details slightly wrong there for accuracy.
So to be honest, a statement often followed by a lie, or so i have heard it said, we don't know jack shit, really, we know what we have learned through experiences, what we have surmised because of them. We know what we learned from others, from teachers, role models, and we can ask around, we can look to sources of information, the internet, books, from trusted friends, relations, we talk about these things and we try them out, we are the pinnacle of thousands, millions of years of evolution and luck, changes constantly happening to what we think of as our species, related as we are to everything that has gone before, we breathe, they breathed, they expired as we all do, will do eventually, knowing one thing for certain, we lived.
-
My dreams have become very interesting and I have to say engaging in such a way that I would prefer to be asleep if only I could interpret them, i read that when you change your diet to wild food, naturally produced things like the plants i've been eating that others might and do consider weeds, like nettles, and other sources of greens, vitamins and minerals can alter your dreams, make them more complete, in the words of a book i read, that's because the animals and plants that live in nature went through a natural life cycle, paraphrasing as usual, but hey, it's my perspective right? I agree that a plant self set, seeded on the wind, growing amongst a colony of others, when harvested seems to me to be a very clean way of producing a meal on my plate, it means less food has to come from further away, I can go for a walk and come back with a lunch, i can learn about more of these plants, take on the chlorophyll that i lack, after all don't we have the genetic inheritance of the plant kingdom within us, oh and why is it kingdom? Isn't it mother nature that we call her?
I'm on a rollercoaster again, only this time i'm earning my keep and not letting my desires to go away stop me from staying right where i live to work on myself, it's hard because convenience makes a McDonalds easy and something I had stopped eating a long time ago, the internet will tell you what poison it is, how it doesn't rot, you can leave that stuff lying around and it won't go off for years, who knows, I know potatoes are treated to ensure they overwinter in freezers, i heard it was with chlorine gas as a liquid, i don't know the truth of all the food misery we are told about, vegetables showered with pesticides, monsanto is seen as a devil in the disguise of a company trying to save the world from hunger, but then, one part of the populace overeats as i am doing, the other part can barely scrape together enough to keep them going let alone healthy, farmers in india have been sold into slavery by those who produce seeds that are not viable.
Indebted to those who sell the seed, they kill themselves rather than have to buy more, poisoning the land, ok let's stop there and turn back to nature and what i think i know, i am struggling to keep my self control going, to start and restart good habits, meditation, that which i never did reliably, regularly, i know that will help, but it's cold where i sleep or hot bu midday, the jobs i do aren't conducive to good habits, waking early, staying up late, to add in meditation, i have only excuses, other people do it, after vispassana i ought to have carried on the practise that at the time showed me in a great way what could be achieved, now i have to wonder, were the experiences i had at those times when i was seeing what i considered, feeling what i considered, hearing in my mind, what i considered to be spiritual truths, were they just the result of giving up drugs?
Even those who give up smoking can experience night sweats, crazy dreams, mine have only begun to seem more and more real, what i went through earlier this year, the same, my memory is not good about those days, i cannot give you a timeline, i cannot be clear, others though are more sensible in the ways they go about this sort of thing, a yoga discipline, a regular meditator, dietary achievements that even when vegetarian i was baulking at not grabbing a choccie bar at the end of my shift in the supermarkets, i'm no angel, no saint.
I didn't work hard all the time, i didn't fake anything, i didn't lie, i told the truth, my perspective, i wrote it in a book, which reading back recently has far too many spelling mistakes in for my liking, being such a pedantic person, something i learnt early on, something i was good at was language, i hesitate to blow my own trumpet because i don't want to go down those roads, these days i'm much more unenthusiastic for ego driven rubbish, that book felt like that when i read it, although i will have to reserve judgement because i plan to edit it, so that it makes more sense from the perspective of someone reading it rather than the writers.
-
The fourth wall is something in drama, it's the audience and you don't reference them, you don't when on the stage talk directly to them, it's the veneer that means they are there, they feel the energy of the performance, they can even directly affect it, but the players play on, that line from that bard, i wrote about him in the book i mentioned, that to my mind at the time of writing and releasing online, i thought was going to be a hit, or at least get some traction, maybe become a tiny source of income, i'm playing it down because i'm being more realistic than perhaps i've ever been before right now, these days, i've come down to earth from a long way up. The heavenly and the hellish have been here in roughly equal measures i have to say, over the past five years, the fourth wall, was breaking right in front of me, my dreams seemingly becoming as real as my waking life, i wondered which of my recent visions, were in fact dreams, or which were acted out in the waking place, here, on earth, instead of in my head, i don't know, i would have to wonder, if it weren't for my resolve not to go around asking folks for their opinion all the time I might find a little more about that out.
I trust that one day i will either know everything, maybe one of those life reviews that some have spoken of, after it's over, a bit like a report card, you're supposed to watch your life form the third person perspective, so that you could see what affect it had on others, see it from a more truthful place, a relevant reality, because it isn't yours anymore, or about what you saw, it's the real version, it's the one that happened not someones point of view, not anyone elses, not yours, but the true truth and that would be awesome.
I worry that if I tell others anymore about what i've been through i'll be making a pickle for them to unpick.
I wonder whether those who have experienced something of what i have too, at the same time are failing.
It's an interesting thing to try to grapple with whether energy, feeling it and healing with it and sending it and befriending it and those aspects of what i've done and done to others, what is it all about, is it good?
Is it some forgotten truth, a secret behind all the old world religions that they don't really want us to know?
Reiki, healing, hands on healing, the power of a loving touch, that's what it was to start with, massage, empathy, i grimaced because i could tell you were going to feel pain, we had a connection, affection.
Pure love, I don't doubt that, it was never in question that I was doing it for the right reason, although.
I have seen and faced honestly, accusations whether and at this point is where it gets kind of sticky, whether the things i've gone through, the ways in which i have faced my past and possible future, i have either faced and communicated with something outside of me, or parts of me, within me, which don't like me very much.
I have seen things that i have done that don't fit into the model of true honesty and empathy, was i feeling emotional for people or with them? Was I acting on well let's be honest a desire to titillate rather than enervate? In circumstances when i was in a very relaxed social environment there is a certain amount of lustful or at least attraction i would not say was merely loving, lust and love are strong words for a natural desire to experience sexuality, i gave energy to two women once, when we were all drugged up and so i wondered or at least have faced whether that was the right thing to do, coming off the years of drug abuse that i have seen as a perfectly healthy thing, i see it in a different light now, i see smoking as a dirty disgusting habit, something that i wonder how i started in the first place, i didn't touch anyone inappropriately, I'm not accusing myself of any form of sexual assault on anyone, merely doing what came naturally, at the time.
But I have to admit to thoughts and feelings that i now see were just in my own mind, at least conversations, all sorts of declarations, over fairly long periods, of time, years even, back to last summer i was saying things, that simply are not true that lends my whole thing, this writing even an air of a lack of credulity, because i know what and where the lines are drawn, but then that's just me and i know the ways in which that makes it hard for others to be around me, i've acted on things that were only going on in my head, fantasies that seem absurd and are right now, but the thing that keeps me going is the ways in which there is a grain of truth within, you see even if there is no heaven or hell, even if they are just hierarchies of belief that was once mere superstition, made real by the very powerful nature of our minds, our need to understand, to grapple with life and death and the fact that one day it will all be over, and what happens to our loved ones? We ask all the time, we have done so for so long, and even now there are more and more answers out there, films today.
To me, being clean and sober is important for the years ahead, i've drunk a little cider from time to time, but anything else just cannot be, for the sake of those around me, for my own sake, i feel as though i'm still coming off, coming down, feeling my feet so much more firmly on the ground, these days are not easy or necessarily nice, or enjoyable, there is a loss of identity, the healer has died because i must be a mortal, go to work, move things from one place to another, forget and deny, or just get on with ways of being that leave no room for higher realms and ideas, and that in and of itself works wonders, it leaves not time for me to be up in my head, it leaves no room for me to care as long as i remember everything from one minute to the next.
-
Not until we die will we know, the dissolution, the disillusion, as i have termed it, i've used this word before, i have found so much more of my past opened up because i've been over it all with a fine toothed comb. Seen where i went wrong, and where i overegged things, even to the point of realising that i owe even more folks apologies, but then there is still the part of me that knows that events that we shared, you and i tell a story that will be hard for me to let go of, one that speaks to a real energy, a real healing, a real example of things that those in the past may have only heard or read about, or had tales told to them, i'm not god, just a man thank goodness, just a man who has done wrong and good, and was on the path and searching for redemption, searching out ways to heal and reveal more of the truth and that makes the lies harder to swallow, face up to it people, the world is dying and more of us with it, sitting in mcdonalds, facing death and wondering why i shouldn't just eat what i like, and within reason do what i like, around me are teenagers, all fascinated with their phones and their social lives revolving around things that only exist on a computer, within an electronic system, if the power went off for a while they would be lost, for a week they might not know what to do with themselves, and we go back to nature for the answer, we make up our own games, i ran wild, i went out into the woods and explored in every direction, she was my affection when there was none, when i felt none for the people who bullied me and i fail to see why i shouldn't say the truth as i felt it, rejected, but more so by myself if i'm honest lately, so let's hope for a brighter day for everyone, for peace, for love, for healing to come to this world, for each and every one of us, i've learned a lot about my motives, my faults, seeing them so clearly, acting the way i would love to be feels false, take my mother out for tea, save up and make a contribution to the world that doesn't revolve around me, try to see in the future without debt, try to give myself some time off once in a while without breaking my body on the full time, hard labour that is all my withered intellectual system has to offer, since early drug use turned me away from growing, from learning how to handle responsibility, a balancing act as i saw office life as a death sentence, stress, i saw my future as a drone, i even now know how wrong i've been about so much so i need to slow down, let others have their say even though i feel i know what it will be, try not to be so judgemental knowing i wish they would judge me favourably but how do i know on the balance of the life i've lived so far, my misdemeanour's, are small compared to stalin, but large compared to some kind of saint, i wish for myself the journey to meet with the bhudda that i was, some time ago when i did a talk on impermanence or such is my recollection, even though i did not know what impermanence was then i do now, pain is one such thing.
I feel it, and i panic, i suffer anxiety and i make bad decisions quickly, rashly, i drive to mcdonalds and i need to get a handle on whether i would like to be the one who feels like i should enjoy my life in case it should end soon and is fatalistic, that word i cannot remember that has the meaning of there is no point in anything, nihilism, nihilistic, im sure the spell checker will help, and the part of me that feels i ought to be as healthy as possible because i could live for quite a while yet, the world might not end quite as soon as i fear, the things i felt so close, and kept so dear, my predictions of world changing, lovely things coming so soon, as next year, and the one after it, my passport lasts until at least then, maybe i can be debt free by then so we'll see.
When I wrote about the death and rebirth of a healer, i saw my spirit going up and coming back, with parts perhaps that were denied before and i like myself less than ever before and i see parts and characteristics that i have to admit make me like myself even less but at least i can see them and choose not to be them.
I choose to die and rot and maybe i will go down, and maybe for a long time and maybe then i will go up.
I saw the vortices and felt my navel holding me back from travelling, my truth may be harder to accept.
But it's mine never the less, and now my experiences will come from a place destined to be known.
For one day I will die and then i will get to see for myself does it all go black or well lit, does it?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment