It's hard to say I'm sorry... that I'm so happy

When something inside says that for some reason you don't deserve to be loved, it's hard to say I'm sorry to that part, or even acknowledge that it's there in the first place to deal with it.

Doesn't matter why it's there, when it was created, because it isn't natural, it's a case of chance, choice and misadventure, basically our life, from start to finish and the race in the middle.

It's just now that it's a rat race, and we're in a maze, a whirling, unedifying mess, where we're destroying the very thing that provides us with life, everything needs balance, a point between the pain and danger of birth and the times when we think we'd rather not be here, when the going gets really tough.

Healing those wounds are hard, honest work.

What am I the product of?  Evolution? Devolution?

From the hard times to the good, everything affects us and makes us who we are now.

Be happy with that or deal with the consequences of letting yourself become enfeebled by the ease with which it is, to lose sight of the important parts of life we are missing, in the race to find a safe route through the labyrinth of life to somewhere like an exit.  A portal into a life we really want to live.

Our dreams coming true on the other side.

Love
Jon
x
It's hard for someone who finds over stimulation exhausting.  After a busy good time I like lots of silence, a chance to take in what has happened whilst processing the rest of it, experiencing certain moments again in a sweet replay of the emotions in your system.  So you better behave yourself and have a good idea always in mind, because that's the factory of our reality...  What we believe changes what we see in the world because we create it.

How we act changes the world because we can't help but feel the reaction that is equal and not an opposite reaction.  You see when we are angry that's what we are giving off like a stink, and being loved is far from what we should get in return.  If we can learn to love more easily and more often despite what's happened to us instead of because of it.  Become the better person, don't let the bastards get you down.

I'm not so sure that sir Isaac N was right about anything, just close...

We know what we think we know, and the universe gives us clues.

Then as if by magic suddenly the goddesses feathery skirts like the heavy and bowed branches of a well established tree blowing gently in the wind, disguises it's true nature.  All we can see is the vision from outside, or if we approach and touch it, we can sense it ourselves.  Can't see the trees for the wood.

There's so many of us and we don't know them all, otherwise we could never treat them indirectly in the way that we do, as the people elsewhere, the strangers, are becoming more and more a friend we've never met yet and less and less that person who we have little or nothing in common with.  We know about other cultures now increasingly, instead of despising, ignoring, or assuming they have neither anything to offer us apart from we can buy to support ourselves and so little to teach us about getting along.  The world is getting smaller and smaller and we, more connected, figuratively, literally, energetically.

Fear is like oxygen, we need some but too much makes us sleepy.

Some gives us energy, or the desire for the opposite, courage.

The energy to get off our asses and do something worthwhile.

But we need some energy to start with, some practise.

And dancing together, laughing together, helping each other.

Being capable of having experiences of connection.

Realising the basis of nature, is us and everything bigger and smaller moves on around us, with our help that is.  The ground beneath our feet will crumble if we keep messing with it, the air above us to the stars isn't a forcefield, things fall onto us from so high above constantly.

That's why we need shelter, warmth and food as our first priorities, always have to face what life brings.  It's getting easier that's why we're so soft, it's getting better and worse and that's why we're so stressed or so laid back and unconcerned, because to feel that fear is paralysing .  Smack bang between the big one at the start and the who knows what, of the end of existence, leaves us looking up at the stars with our feet on the ground, running.  From what to where?

We're the middle men and women.  There's elementary particles and galaxies and things bigger and smaller than them I'm sure too because wherever we look, we find larger cosmoses, smaller particles of dust, more levels and layers revealed as the onion peels itself with our help, and us just meek and murderous animals in the right place at the right time.

We lucky few.

To be alive.

To love.

And if we get some back, to accept it but carry on sending it out, because it's when that loop is severed that we get tempted to look after ourselves, when it's everyone else that needs our help when we're ok, and when it's our turn, they're there for us in that case.

So let's get ok.  What makes us ok?  Enough time alone. Enough time with loved ones.

Good it was.  Lovely weekend after I found some time to digest it all, thankyou to the people who made it happen that way.

Hoping to have a good time again, good memories, good visions, the past future leads us to the future past so let's make sure we make it a good one.  All of it.

Had Chris Rea Tell me there's a heaven and Travis Why does it always rain on me going through my head

So, the jury is out, I haven't made up my mind...

It's been out for a long time, possible years not just the last eleven months.

A medium told me something I had not spoken of, something I had told no-one, and it shocked me.

It made me believe, firstly that I should stop thinking about killing myself, which I wasn't going to anyway.

Then it convinced me that somehow either the medium had read my mind (the most obvious conclusion)...

Or in my case it convinced me that there was life after death, and that was even more complicated now I think about it.  You see I have always had a Buddhist leaning and believed in reincarnation, in fact I've been fairly sure that I've been here before myself.  Certain things seemed to suggest that to me, like the fact that I seemed to know techniques, like the double breathing method, whereby you break up your in and out breaths into two parts.  I knew that as a kid.  I had played with tantric energy as a child, by moving my hands together and apart without touching, until it was clear that there was a force at play in the gap.

I was adept at massage,although I didn't know it until I started to have female friends, and when I met my first girlfriend, and last actually, given that I've been single ever since and celibate for a great deal of the intervening years.  I say celibate, what I mean is I never had to balls to ask the people I was attracted to out, before they became good, close friends.  Anyway I've been through all of this in the past and there's no need for this to turn into a repeat performance of an old monologue, or the telling of a familiar story.

Basically, I started reading some gnostic information, and it tore into my belief system, it tore into the Buddhist, Vedic, you name it information that I took to be the basis of our world religions.  There was a sticking point in the way that it describes a heavenly planetary system somewhere else, and this being a bit of a backwater for learning and trying to escape the cycle of birth and death and re-birth.  For me, that was a problem, as I was getting into the new age style, the shamanic way of looking at the world over the past years.  All these different world views were giving me a seriously difficult set of choices to make.

Which of these ways of viewing this existence makes most sense?  Which and where and why are there so many inconsistencies between them?  After all, as much as Kali (and trust me I believe we are in the Kali Yuga, the time of darkness and strife, an understatement by no small means.) represents, is described as a goddess who can be both your worst enemy and your best friend, depending on how you insist on behaving and I can see how this whole place is such a harsh reality for so many people and seems so unfair.

Is there room for fairness in this place?  Shouldn't we all get along together or is that kind of placid existence reserved for a more heavenly location?  Are these the growing pains, the birth pangs of a new golden age?

Or is this whole place a devilish creation designed to keep us all down, use our truly spiritual nature, our very spirit itself, as a prisoner, an energy source from which to create a sick and twisted future world, with us incarnated (in carne d, in meat bodies, inside human meat sacks)... Body mind and soul the creation of a demi-urge, a half way between us and a loving compassionate fair god somewhere else and unable to come anywhere near this abortion of a universe?  Now you see my predicament because I've become able to believe these things since I've had evidence that a lot of the practises of the worlds traditions have some real bearing and some real efficacy, when it comes to energy work, healing, other stuff too...

The gnostics (in the book I was reading) list the ways in which this hellish place isn't a stop over for us to learn and evolve, but the master plan of a nasty god, a demi-god, a false god, a deceiver, a prison guard, a god from the old testament who chooses sides, who intervenes when it feels like it, and stands back wanting to be adored and worshipped the rest of the time...

I was utterly distraught at the idea that the god of the old testament, with a host of angels (so called if that was the case, but not good ones) on his side, listening in to the hearts of people, knowing their thoughts, could deceive us, could through the disciplines of mediumship make us believe in life after death, could give people comfort when there was none waiting, could lie and cheat and use their intermediaries the psychics, the spiritualist mediums, to fool a growing part of the population, while the rest just goes on about their business, far too engrossed in trying to make ends meet, too busy trying to put poor quality cheap food on their plates, to feed their hunger with the lowest common denominator, the supermarket bought product.

It's a false economy, we are spending less on food and the price is increasing, due to shortages around the world, certain foodstuffs are going to get more expensive.  The products are full of preservatives and water, they are ready made to go straight in the oven or microwave because we don't want to make the time to cook from scratch, we aren't able to afford to live without both partners working, mothers can't raise their kids from home they have to farm them out to childcare, we're selfish and want time to ourselves for our hobbies, I'm a terrible example, getting better, I've seen myself for the lazy idiot I've been, and can still see,even more examples of how I take for granted the place I live in and the people.

I don't have to do much, I haven't had to, except on long walking holidays, when I was living out of a rucksack, but that got old, I missed home, missed my family?  I have to ask myself all of these questions, because again I'm back at square one, shy talking to people I don't know, feeling like I used to, gotten out of certain habits, acting like a child in many ways, you see I have to ask myself was I ever that bothered about other people?  Did I get bored when the conversation stopped being about me?  Have I just learned to ask others how they are, to try to do something about the uncomfortable silences, by asking someone else about them?  My mind would go blank, small talk has always been a bugbear, a difficulty, I find it false, I feel like the veneer on life of asking people about things you don't really care or know about is fake.

Pretending to care, to me it sounds like people are barely managing to come across as genuine, you ask the question but don't really want to know the answer, I learned that to get past the small talk was a necessary part of getting to know someone new, to get to the interesting bits of conversations, of people, you had to dance around the easy stuff, find out by going through the preliminaries, what they were hiding that was worthwhile, you both need to know that it's ok, that you share certain opinions, that you're not going to overstep the mark, that you won't make it obvious that you don't have that much in common, stay on the safe side of the verbal tracks with some people, others you can talk about almost anything.

It's back to love, for me, do I feel it?  Do I feel the love of my family?  I feel love for them, and they for me so yes I do...  Is it unconditional?

So back to the basics of this post...

Is this world Hell?

Is this world the middle world of the shamanic tradition?  With a lower world beneath our feet, possibly in the hollow earth (a whole other ball game / can of worms) and a higher world in the heavens?

Is this place going to hell?  Because I can see a totally Blade Runneresque future in our future.  Corporations taking over from governments, robots that look so convincing even THEY don't know that's what they are ;)

You see the technology, and everyone think it's ahead of what we're allowed to see today, and it's obvious that it has to go in steps not giant leaps, because we can't handle too big a step up, otherwise Microsoft wouldn't have failed to launch the PC version of the Ipad several years ago, voice technology has been on the cards and out there for twenty years or more only now it actually works without a lengthy training procedure, loads of things should be out but they're not, free energy...  Another big can of worms...

You see as much as I've been trying to be positive, after a lifetime of negativity and lots of that period spent smiling to the world and crying myself to sleep (not literally, more snivelling inside and blocking out the pain).

Now I'm actually facing who I am, who others are, not just looking and seeing the good, not avoiding the bad, not having an internal quotient for crapola and shutting down when it became too much.

The fear has risen, within me, almost enough to make me not get out of bed, almost enough to make me feel like I want to curl up in a ball and stay that way until the world goes away forever, I don't want to be here for years and years in the future that I see coming forth, I'm losing hope that there will be a happy ending, I think that's just a myth projected into our brain pans by Hollywood whilst the media sends us into a fear driven cycle by telling us how dangerous the world is and forgetting that it's become so much safer than it ever was before.

It's a massive mess, and my head hurts at times like these, I just think about tomorrow and it makes me sad and wonder if I should bother waking up, I go to sleep and wish that everything would be fixed, that I hadn't learnt so much about the past and worry so much about the future, I wonder if I've made a mess of things so badly that I've drawn to me more of the bad stuff, that I've driven myself down a one way street with a horde of the worst things imaginable coming up behind me, and now it's a dead end street, there's no escape, I'm way too cowardly to get out of the car and face the dangers all around, I'm just not built for this shit.

How do I deal with a new day?  Can I trust this new age movement?  Is it real?

I've felt the energy of tantra again, at Avebury for the solstice, last year when I showed my mum and my sister, when I was in my element and riding high, on a the crest of a wave that crashed and left me here.

The last few weeks, the hope that the messages I have received from the mediumshas kept me going forward, and then suddenly the rug is pulled out from under me again, I start to think that what all the good people I have met are doing is ultimately helping to do a bad thing, helping to bring forth a bad world, that the entities giving the information are not our deceased loved ones, that channeled spirits are not angels but demons, and you see this is all real, the people I have met are serious and have told me such things,  they have a connection, to energies, to personalities, and it's real to them and me, and it's making me crazy...

When I was getting better and better and finally working on myself, I had faced up to my past once and for all, had released so much that I had held inside, was feeling better, was scared from some health issues but dealing with them, so many opinions out there, but it seems to easy to think that we are being played, I have had so few times in my life when I truly trusted, could truly open up, this is one, I'm being honest...

All I can do is keep on keeping on, doing the things I've got on my calendar, trying to improve myself again, I was hoping to sit in circle and connect with my guide, learn healing, provide healing, for that to be my way of making amends for the cowardice I have shown when it came to actually becoming the person I always thought I should be, what was inside me that made me so scared to get out there?  Why do I find it so difficult to just talk to people?  Is it a social phobia or a habit?

I've been feeling so well, lately, getting good nights sleep, jealous of course of the way that others just keep on partying every weekend, staying up late, sleep deprived all the time, jealous of that?  YES, really, jealous of the way that others just carry on in their hedonistic ways, although I managed one season of it and it nearly ended me, so I'm not actually jealous, and only able to enter into a few of these occasions now that I've seen my life for what it really was, and started to only do things when I've got the normal every day things provided for, I lived on the edge before, allowing myself way too much room to wiggle around and left it to others to pick up the pieces when I recklessly carried on, so now I'm far too, I mean far more careful, am making sure I don't overstretch myself, and so many of my failings seem to have been me not the drugs I was doing, I'm accident prone, I can see how difficult I can be to live with, deal with, when I do say my piece it's always in much stronger terms because I put up with so much, I only say something when a situ. has gotten unbearable for me, or I've let things slide for too long without any boundaries, and yes I've always been disappointed when others turn out to have a dark side, or not be exactly like me, and I flit with the wind, changing my mind from one day to the next, I'm fickle, I'm very feminine in my ways, and yet I don't accept others ways so easily, I'm a messy fucker, I'm a lazy fucker, I haven't done anything but fits and starts of good habits and all that time I thought I was making so much progress...

And so now all I can do is relax into this world, because I don't know anymore...

I just don't know, and if someone or something called fate or destiny wants to come knocking so be it.

Destiny will find me cowering behind the door on all fours, hiding...

Fate can take my life as easily as blowing out a candle.

I'm going to keep on going, and see what happens.

I'm again wishing I'd just kept on being almost blissfully ignorant, and at the same time I know that if I have truly been here before, that the whole point is for me to progress not rot, not sit around doing fuck all.

I've got to somehow face whatever it is that's coming with courage and for me, courage is something that comes when I'm tested, Love is something that appears out of nowhere when I'm least expecting it, I daren't keep an eye out for it, I want to, try to be good, in a world that keeps on destroying my efforts, keeps on degrading the chances, keeps of turning my cheek, keeps on making me feel like a fraud, makes me feel like I can't find an ethical way of making a living, like I can't decide whether I love this place and want to stay as long as possible or would really like to get as far away as soon as possible.

I awoke last night, or very early this morning cos it was dark in my room, and I kept opening my eyes to see it slowly get lighter, I couldn't tell you how long I slept, it felt like I was just turning over and over in my bed, unable to get any at all, in the way that I would have done that in the past and not cared, knowing that I'd be knackered this evening and get right off and sleep right through from semi exhaustion, and I've been dropping off quite easily lately by just going to bed early and meditating until I slip off into dreamland, asking for certain help, asking for remembered dreams, for good messages, for good times, for a hopeful future, for a way out.

I want to know why we are here
I want to know who we are
I want to need to know
I need to know
Love
Jon
x
The consequences at this point are trivial...

The end of the world is probably many years off, possibly thousands or millions.

This might just be a peculiar fact of the human race that we do this from time to time.

We might have been doing this all along and no-one wrote it down,this could be the middle ages.

This might still be the time of Christ, The Buddha, this could be the time of the dinosaurs, of knights.

For all we know it's all going on at once and somehow we've gotten lost with the remote, pausing life.

Rewinding live life, fast forwarding live life, some kind of technology that has left us bereft and alone here.

Is this place good, bad, or indifferent?  Are aliens our brothers, demons, or both or neither?

What is the Yeti?  Loch Nessy?  Why so much pain, physical and mental and yet so few of us care?

Is consciousness evolving to the point that we will care or is it part of a heinous plan to overthrow god?

To somehow trick us into thinking we are on our way to heaven, utopia, a magical transformation,when in reality (tchah reality now that's a fucking joke at this point) we're just cogs in someone else's giant disgusting machine like plan to use us like pawns in a game of chess without a stalemate or a victory,just an endgame...

All these thoughts were brought to you by sleep deprivation, a possible mental illness (although I'm quite nice with it) and the joke that I feel like...

I have to go to bed now and see if I can sleep right through and maybe rest the way to the dawn of a new day, slowly getting over the problem of anxiety, and wondering if it's just me, or am I finally opening up to the planets underlying illness after having seen the world through rose tinted specs all these years?

Keep going, for someone else's sake not mine, to pay off debts, to make it to my fortieth the day before, in fact 6 minutes before 12/12/12, ten days before 21/12/12...

I felt a difference, that day the sun eclipsed totally in 2000? or was it 1999?  August 11th 1999...  We couldn't see it, cloudy as usual in fricking england where we stood in the car park at work and I knew I had to get out of office work,I knew a change was in the air, I've spent the last twelve years, thirteen now losing superstitions, gaining insights, losing marbles, gaining memories, going through a cyclic process of backing myself into corners, greater and greater problem arising, greater and greater challenges and each one made me more and more scared, feel less and less worthy of continuing, so if this is a mental version again of that, maybe there's a great new horizon coming, I feel like I've gone through a lot, faced a lot.

I feel like I still don't really deserve things, although the stress makes me ill, I've released things that I held onto inside, I've accessed bravely the resources that others would never dream of, I've done things others would never even consider, I've seen things others don't believe in and I still have to wonder and I've made many many mistakes, and now I have to reconcile all of that and try to work out, whether I've made my bed and should lay in it, or whether I should jump out with a willingness to face a new day with relish or dread the very morning sun...  I've made my peace with some things, I've surely rationalised things I should have felt, but been so closed off, so numb,more than I knew and only now am I retraining my brain to feel, and face emotions...

Again,good night, good evening, good day, good morning,  we'll see,I'll let you know when I do

I feel like I've spoken too soon every time, but I can't help getting it out there, when I should?

I've lost all certainty, all faith,in my own health, in my own capacities, feel like I'm starting all over

this time I have to do things right, even though I'm not sure I can do it alone again, or want to keep putting others faith in me, or mine in them, when I don't know if I'm leading them astray when I've been so easily lead myself, let others blaze the trail, it's all such a mess...

Night x

What is your Prognosis? Is it a Con?

Read about Gnosis, a long time ago and more recently.  The Nag Hammadi Library, a collection of thirteen ancient codices containing over fifty texts, was discovered in upper Egypt in 1945. This immensely important discovery includes a large number of primary Gnostic scriptures -- texts once thought to have been entirely destroyed during the early Christian struggle to define "orthodoxy"...

The Gnostic gospels of :- several famous names from religion (the bible) feature in these...

 Basically lots of stuff that makes much more sense was written at or around and after the time of the Bible...

Which was cobbled together and the editors, were the council of Rome, who chose which bits and versions would go in and which Dogma to create...

Given that a lot of the stories were already around, earlier versions of flood stories for instance had been around for years, in the Babylonian epic of Gilgamesh for instance...

Basically there are loads of stories, legends, myths, the world over and some of them suggest that we fell from grace, left a perfect paradisical garden and became the flawed and sinful human beings that we are now.

Having probably been fairly flawed and sinful from the start...

ANYWAYS.... Back to the Gnosis bit and the prognosis, gnosis meaning knowledge...

The gnostic view, generalising here, is that this universe, this cosmos, this existence is the creation (of the creator god) who happens not to be our loving omnipotent, omnipresent, but unknowable god.  But a devilish demi-god or demi-urge (Half Creator from the Greek).

It's all so fucking complicated but my bottom line is that of all the stuff I've read about, of all my searches for meaning from different traditions, I found I had run into a bit of an impasse when it came to the ideas of the creation of this er creation...

You see the creation myths of most indigenous cultures around the world speak of a great ancestor who created this whole shebang, possibly with a big bang even...  OR the cracking open of a giant cosmic egg, or whatever version you want to take up, and the impasse I had reached was the fact that between those versions that speak of this as being a hell dimension, or the creation of Brahma, the outbreath the creation, the inbreath the destruction, I saw an inconsistency, a way of seeing this whole thing the same way that the Gnostics do...

It's a crapshoot.  My journeys into the void, told me that all of this is just pretty distractions from actually coming round, coming into true awakening from the deepest of deep sleeps, what we call our body, mind and soul isn't the whole picture.  There's a spirit in the mix...  Our spirit.

So that leads on to the idea of being more spiritual...

I think we are going that way, spiritual not religious became a new category on web based questionnaires because so many people were losing faith in religion, literally and had a more sketchy, a more vague belief in spirituality...

We're all, ok most of us are choosing to believe whatever we like, piecemeal  picking the bits we like from different traditions, a dream catcher here, a crystal there, new agey stuff into the mix...

It's a mess.

We're a mess.

It's way too confusing....

The more I know the less I understand.

So I'm back to square one with a massive headache.

Finally getting stuck into meditation, finally improving my diet.

Desperately searching for answers, whilst trying not to be too sure of the questions.

I don't want to get myself into a sticky situation, don't want to be too sure of myself, or my soul, or my spirit.

What am I?

Why am I here?

What is this place?

All these questions are still there... The answers are many and difficult to pick apart.

What will happen if I choose the wrong one?  Will I consign myself to yet another cycle of death and rebirth?

I don't want that, I would as I have said in the past choose ultimate destruction rather than that.

I see this place as imperfect and becoming more so, I don't want to live in the world of the god of technology.  I don't want to become a transhuman, who could live forever, as an imperfect version in an imperfect creation, and as I become more spiritual, is there any guarantee?

NOPE!

All I know is that I want to be of some use, but my spiritual experiences, lead me to believe that I was merely a cog in a giant wheel, part of a grand plan and that seems less and less likely to be a good plan to me.  I surrendered to that, to the fact that I would become a willing participant in whatever that was, in service to my fellow beings.  Now I'm not so sure... Now I think and I feel like that was a mistake.

That void, the blackness, the edge of reason...  The end of time, of space, that's where it's at...

That's the end of this place, the end of this existence, the end of the cycle of birth and death.

That's the next destination, the only game in town, the path of most resistance.

There must be a way for a normal guy to get there.  I renounce this life.

I want to get off this mortal coil, in that I don't want to die, but I don't want to live either.

I'm bored of the alternatives, bored of the options, it really is so difficult to choose,

when so much is made of the opinions of different traditions, it's so confusing.

How would one know if they were to choose one option or another?

Isn't it all just a massive con game?  Fear and Love the opponents.

Be good, be bad, be indifferent, get along, make a life.

It's just going down the pan, this planet is fucked.

Go on having more and more children,

it's ok the resources will slump,

you'll die off in droves,

long before we get off this rock,

before we fuck up another world with our mess,

the idea that we could evolve beyond our petty squabbles,

is such a joke, I don't see anyone making the effort, little hope,

and even if we try, it seems like the whole place is really a prison camp,

for idiots who can't be bothered to do the right thing, get out early for good behaviour.

I'm messed up, and feel that mental health might be at risk, I've been dealing with that lately.

Quietly going about the business of business as usual, just trying to fit in, do my thing, get on in life.

Whilst underneath I see all this going on, can't see the wood for the trees anymore, just sticks and stones.

They are breaking our bones and names will always hurt us, things from the past, bullies, bullying, coming back, memories flooding in, taking the place of empty spaces, old habits dying hard but I'm finally seeing myself and others for who they really are, not through my own twisted vision, my own blinkered eyes...

The divine spark in all of us, is it a prisoner in flesh?

Is it there at all and if so can it resolve this issue?

Will there be an awakening or reawakening?

Will there be an apocalypse (true meaning):-

An Apocalypse (Greek: ἀποκάλυψις apokálypsis; "lifting of the veil" or "revelation") is a disclosure of something hidden from the majority of mankind in an era dominated by falsehood and misconception, i.e. the veil to be lifted.  The term also can refer to the eschatological final battle, the Armageddon, and the idea of an end of the world.

And at this point does anything that has come down to us from the past have any true meaning for us today?

Isn't it all just whispers from the dead, when after all our free will means that what we do now, changes the future?

Again all big questions and as far as I can tell, ones with no immediate answers forthcoming.

I am merely trying to get out what has been inside my head, the crux, the crossing point.

The dead end that was giving me such a headache, the difficulty of working out the Pros and Cons.

Bargaining with the self inside, listening to the quiet voice, working over old ground.

All those improvements I had made, and then quite simply I seemed to hit a brick wall.

I've opened up old wounds, and slowly, so slowly, but necessarily they grind on.

Working my way through old times, old memories, old situations I thought done and dusted.

Were we created in the image of a mistake or were the mistakes of our own making?

I wanted answers and I've accepted that I may suffer to get them,  have suffered so much.

If this world is a sham, then I don't feel so bad, and would be glad to see it smashed into smithereens.

Because I get the feeling finally, that the case may be that simple, wake up with a shake of the head,

"What WAS that?"

"I don't know either!"

"Must have been a nightmare"

"One we shared for all eternity".

"Until now..."

Love
Jon
x

All this time it was for me

So it seems like all this time, it was all for me.  All the advice, the opinions, the times when I actually wasn't sat on the fence.  All for me, all designed for now, for me to go back and re-read the whole thing, from start to finish.  I haven't gone back to the beginning yet, and that will mean loading up an old document that I'm not even sure I still have that had my old Facebook liveblog blog entries too, which were all lost in the great app deletion of whenever it was that that stopped working and I moved over to Blogger...

Psychologically it has felt very much like I have regressed, I know I've mentioned that, and in fact I've repeated myself far more often lately than ever before, I made a point of never doing that, don't like to have to, although I have gone through several longer loops where I found myself wanting to talk about things I know I've dealt with before a long time ago.  Lately though it's like all I can think about let alone write about it just how strange things have been for what seems like forever.

Time really did pass so much quicker before, in a way I was less conscious of it at all, just went from day to day, hour to hour, moment to moment without thinking much about it.  Now I'm so much more conscious of any and everything...  Thoughts mostly though.  I would characterise them as being more and more of the type that I was used to before.  I found a good smoke of cannabis would often set me off in a really creative spell and that would take on the roll of my evenings entertainment, if I wasn't seeing friends.

The anxiety as I call it, the whatever that came when I quit, left me with no libido, as in very little interest in masturbation.  I'd given up porn as a bad job, basically I think the whole industry is abusive to both the men and the women who take part, also I think the people that use it, are being used too.  Including me of course...  It's like you watch it and your mirror neurons are putting you in the place of the guy (or girl)...  And that only occurred to me when I read that somewhere but it made so much sense, after all this time.

The anxiety as I call it, was making me awaken early, that's still happening, I'm awake before the alarm every morning, and either roll over and try to go back to sleep, which has gotten easier, in the old days I would have a smoke and zonk happily back out, these days, in the last few weeks and possibly months, because I have set myself a routine, of early to bed, if I do wake up it's not a big deal as I've gotten enough rest.  However the thoughts that come to mind can be really quite upsetting, the funny thing is that it's only psychologically so, I don't get emotionally wound up.

Throughout the day that wanes and I relax into it, the things that were getting stuck up there in my head aren't so much at all, the nasty thoughts, the ones that seemed to be so prevalent, seem less so, almost as if occasionally I'll be checking to see if they are there and create them, not that they are waiting to be thought.

The mental imagery not so much of a problem as it was so chronic before, in a way the fact that I'm much more active during the day, I have more to take my mind off my mind as it were hehe, that's helping...

The weekends have become quite a weird thing, time to myself used to be my most treasured possession, now it's the hardest time I spend...  It brings the focus back to me again.  I've gotten to the point of being so much less upset and concerned about the ways in which I am suffering, I know that it is all up there, and am spending far less, if any time asking all the questions that I was beforehand.  Now I'm just surrendered to living like this, the time away from home seemed to be such a good release, such a sweet period, like a holiday, when my mind would often be occupied and the subject often changed for extended lengths, up to days...

In fact I am starting to wonder if it isn't all a mindset, isn't all a way of stretching out the inner muscles of the mind, exploring the darkest regions, the subconscious, the shadow, it's got a disgusting way with words and pictures, it's like asking someone to come up with the most awful thing you can think of, and instantly it's there.  I don't remember ever doing that, ever really, having those thoughts that people deny or don't talk about.  It's like when I was growing up, the fact that I saw around me aspects of others, and myself developing that I didn't like, that I was afraid of to the point of sheer terror and decided, with the power of will to put all of those out of my mind forever, or until now anyway.

I am experiencing what some would say is another adolescence, not another childhood, not a mid life crisis but a psychological psychophysical developmental process, somewhere within there is the person I was, and that person is key, is mostly here all the time,mostly the person I am.  Then there's the more humble parts that I thought meant I was ridden roughshot over, that thought I was getting left behind by others,treated badly by others, the part that is clear how I want to proceed, I'm writing this without thinking just putting down what my mind is coming up with, the parts of me that were denied, shunned, the lead that the alchemists turned to gold, wasn't metal it was psychic potential with the same energetic polarity and essence...


Now I'm hurting still, have uncovered things I'd rather forget but they're keeping me honest, I know why others are so drawn to me and capable of revealing things to me as a stranger to them,that they wouldn't tell their best friend.  As a healer that's why they keep coming, I'm open to that, I sit down without knowing it at the time next to someone who is hurting and they tell me why and I help them if I can.

Socially I'm out of practise a bit although I've been out and about a little more lately, so I'll get there.

I am finally starting to finish the process of hating myself and wishing I was dead, end the journey I was on where the places that were slowly going past on either side were familiar and memories of past mistakes all the time, constantly doing my best to go over and over my fuckups, over and over why I can't shan't make them again, realising just how much I've taken for granted but also know how much I would like to get out and start afresh, get healed myself, really take this healing out there, find a place to live in a different way, get out of this fucking rat hole rat race as daily it makes me sad, makes me mad, makes me bad, makes me desperate, makes me wonder why we bother, makes me feel like getting annoyed when everyone else treats time like money and money like time.  Spending both in quantities that seem like they're going out of fashion.

 Money is paper and gets you things, Time is your life ebbing away on stuff.

Living is about connection, creation.  Dying is about confection, destruction.

Keep on deploying new way to kill time.

Keep on letting industry drive the train.

On a collision course with entropy.

These days of our lives are few.

When will we see that and live.

Not for ourselves, or others.

For each other, one day.

We'll live again,I know.

This pantomime is over.

The cast is tired and old.

We've had all our curtain calls.

Finally we need to get off stage.

Take a bow, take our leave, retire.

All I can do is make this worthwhile.

Somehow find a way to earn a pardon.

From the King and Queen of time and tide.

Before this whole place is washed away and,

we are left high and dry on a mountain top inland...



That's all nonsense I wonder if it means anything.

Not to me I just let it come out and hope sometimes.

So much calmer these days, still testing, still hoping this shadow will become enlightened and disappear.
Love
Jon
x

Short Man Syndrome / The Single Man (2009)

I'm not short, I've made an effort to be less noisy, I talk too much, have far too many words to say in a short time, so quickly try to get every word out to explain the amount of detail I have to put into my sentences...

In that situation it is often the case that people stop listening... Or I run into the kind of people who don't listen anyway, I'm not sure, although as someone who has always loved people watching and a confirmed student of human behaviour, I can make an educated guess, look for clues, make my mind up whether I'm wasting my breath.

Had a lovely time last night and into this morning, got home and to bed by 4am and had the sound of the Beaufort Hunt Fox Hounds and Horses edging into my consciousness and on awaking a few times when the field, the mass of those on horseback who follow the hounds, went past in en mass I just went back to sleep.

Doing all the things I did before, feeling my body return to a state it was in so many times, as much as I am clumsy, spill things on myself, make silly mistakes I can also feel the confidence returning.

My feet aren't playing me up the way they were, far fewer periods of a burning sensation underneath the toes, it hasn't spread back to the rest of the foot, some pain in there but nothing that would suggest the kind of things I feared were happening.  Had a blood glucose test the other week and it came back towards the higher end of the healthy range, a few decimal places below the level that would suggest diabetes, or at least the range that would suggest an issue that could be diagnosed as that, or the development of it.

Turning 40 this year has made me look back so much, clearing the old bloackages has also done that, finding I can and do look back much more than ever before, I can randomly let my mind wander back past periods I'd closed off, past the times when I made mistakes, let opportunities pass me by through cowardice.

Still having periods fraught with self doubt, fears and habits, all sorts of nonsense resurfacing.

Really having some acute periods of mental distress, less so than the constant chronic times.

Slowly gradually the memories are fading of the things that I had ignored or put out of mind.

Not spending hours a day thinking about them , torturing myself, making strange associations.

Also spending so little time actually inspired by the things I read or come into contact with.

So unable or unwilling to actually produce mental test versions of  blog entries, no process.

Nothing coming out, so much doubt where before there may have been too much certainty...

Slowly realising where I've been merely projecting my faults onto others, seeing what I wanted.

Now seeing the reality, seeing with true eyes, seeing, hearing, feeling, tasting, touching the void.

From within which I was blinded, deaf, dumb, enclosed, shut off from the world for so long.

Now I want to improve myself again, come back to being the person I was again, relax...

Get something done about the pain in my stomach, is it irritable bowel, something else?

Changed my diet recently, eating EVEN more healthily and yet, and yet, I'm getting old.

Isn't it a fact that our bodies start to fail, more and more, gradually our cells don't regenerate the way they once did, life is changing in so many ways for so many people, and not for the better as time moves on.

I notice the changes, they are incremental, or I take my eyes off the ball/s and seeing something for the first time in a few whiles or even years I spot how much has changed.

I don't like the way things are going, have gone.  Even in a short period of time away from the roads, I notice how much, and I don't want to use words that suggest mental illness as I think that's just too easy to do, I shall instead say that people are unsafe, are selfish in a dangerous way, they seem to have no patience, are in a rush to die (or get home quickly)...

Everywhere is just too busy, too many people, rushing, flustered, in the supermarket you can't just browse, or take your time, someone will want you out of their way, why are you just stood there?  Always a reason why someone else is a problem, making you late, not because you didn't leave with enough time to get there yourself...  Oh no, we can't take responsibility for our own actions...

Our own shortcomings, as for mine I know a lot of them.   I know I don't like goodbyes, I don't like the fact that I'm not willing to let alcohol make me make stupid decisions.

I didn't do any drugs, apart from a few ciders last night, I breathed in the music, I breathed out my pain, my angst, my euphoria grew and grew and exploded at times, the energy in the room, building, everyone dancing together, as a planet we are coming together more and more of us, in the spirit of celebration of tribal values, a fusion of the oldest and the newest, people sharing more, caring more, and yet in the workaday world less and less of these traditional ways of being and doing things, the general public are not my friend...  The people I meet in the right places, times, spaces are for those moments.  So easy to talk to strangers, loving the freedom I feel in those periods, to just meet new people, when at times I feel the pressure even to talk to relatives, the people I should know better than I do.  I don't keep in touch with them, I don't send birthday cards, I don't think of them often, I'm not sure these days how many of my bad habits are mine and how many are inherited.

Constantly being on your own case is exhausting and that's what I've been going through, the stress of that may be why, well before winter comes and my usual dark times come around again, when I am struggling with the fact that we are not a christian society and yet christmas is a massive let down, merely a reason to buy stuff we can't afford, put ourselves in debt, to get things people don't want or need, I accept that if the gifts are home made, if they are needed, if they are what someone desires in their heart, if they are thoughtfully chosen, if they are actually celebrating the birth of the saviour, when I don't think gods son was born on the 25th of December, it's a winter festival, a pagan thing transformed when Rome went from Multi gods to one god to survive the Christian Revolution that would have swept them away, when this happened and our noticing and marking the changing of the seasons, equinoxes, solstices, the natural way that we made a note to self in the past that the year was passing, that the rhythm of life was transforming the world around us as usual...

Don't know if that paragraph makes sense I just wrote it down, as for all of this and the most recent posts, the way I would do it in the past, was start with a song title, a subject line, something to kick off the process within my mind, with some ideas already in there, having been mulled over, so in a way I am getting back to the way I was, where I would come full circle, where the writing would take over, where my writings would give me so much pleasure on rereading, not because I was putting it out there, just because I was getting it out of me, amused, bemused, seeing the muse in me return, whatever outside of me send me the messages, whatever it is that gives me so much to say when asked a question, when i feel for someone and wish to give them hope, when I try to pass on advice I desperately want to help someone succeed, get through whatever it is they can't see their way round...

My friends are those who have issues that they are willing to share with me, they're the ones whose opinions matter to me, who are willing to listen to mine ;)

Finding how much better I can learn and react to things when I don't assume that someone else's advice is a load of shit, having to really give what others say a chance, learning not to stubbornly decide that I already know what's best, it's because I learn't how often people say what you want to hear, only they don't know that I need to hear the truth, all the time.

I need to know what is really going on, not your opinion, not your perspective, I am far more of a realist than I ever thought I was, and I have to hold back, try not to crush or ruin, or dash others hopes and dreams, whilst also desperately achingly almost suicidally centrally within of the belief that the world should be a fair place, when it's not at all.  Only the good die young, or so they say.. Good things happen to the bad, bad things to the good, and everything and where inbetween...


I've lost my love for so many things, the movies for instance, I've let everything I read and learn about this world colour my judgement, after reading one thing I think it's this way, another, another...

I do love films, but in the last few years, that have gone by ridiculously quickly, in a blur really, when I look back or notice how fast, how long ago certain things were it makes me almost sick, have I let things slip that much?  Have I just danced and pranced about and let my life pass me by?

 What have I been doing all this time?

Why haven't I been present?  What did I think would happen?

Watching part of a film I saw not long after it came out, on dvd, my sisters copy I think, The Single Man...

It's made me remember things...

He's going to kill himself because the love of his life is dead, my love for life isn't dead it was dying.

I wanted it over, the passage of time, the pangs and cries of death and rebirth.

I've been here before, I have known things that I must have known from a previous life, I have known things before I learnt them later in my life, there is connection between the past, the present and the future, and if we only believe it, if we are capable of widening our scope of thought to whatever the imagination can comprehend, conceive of...

As tempted as I have been to have a good time, do the things you all do, or the seeming majority...

Not for me, the Shaman said so, I had made myself a promise, maybe more than once..

None of those things that you normals seem to care about...  I was an outsider, I felt like one, socialising when I was growing up was difficult because my imagined difficulties, my fears ruled my life, kept me away from situations I didn't think I could cope with, but never tested myself, rarely then, because therein lies the proof that when i try things I'm often fucking brilliant at them, once the pressure is removed, when I see how much others have the same fears,the same difficulties, the same anxieties....

 I have received parts of my soul back, as for my interpretation of it, not sure I wanted them back...

Now I'm not as nice as I was, although I'm getting there again, you see I could easily defeat you, destroy you if I felt like it, I often have the thoughts in my mind that would end you, I could easily say them, I sometimes do without thinking, I can cut through the bullshit often, I can see the truth within the lies, I can see the fast tracks, the ways in which we think this world is new, when so called progress has been happening for a long time, the same things we were scared of in the past are the same today, the same now...

Don't let your fear rule your life, I have to face it, every time, the more I do it, the better I get, but it's still there, still making me wonder why I should bother, why I should live, when a setback comes along, I think long and hard, i wonder, I grant myself the time to examine my options, and usually the easy way out is my favourite route to follow.

And so the battle within goes on, between the two wolves of our inner worlds, the one we feed the one that grows in confidence, becomes the alpha of the pack of our own insecurities and personalities inside...


He's desperately lonely, the guy in the film, Colin Firth, and as with all fine actors, he really inhabits the character, he makes you forget that it's him, it's the person he's playing that your captivated by.

I can do that, I find myself bored listening to what people talk about, what they have to say, could you finish quicker please?  I'm way ahead of you and I already know what you're going to say and if I'm wrong it's the only reason I can see for giving you the time.

Please just shut the fuck up or notice how stupid it is that we have to do this dance, aren't you bored by the stuff I come out with?  I notice how often, the intonation in your voice, the little expressions on your face, lots of signs and signals abound that can tell me what you don't want me to know, precisely what I do, exactly what I need to, I have to apologise if I think I've done wrong, I have to explain, get my thoughts down on paper to the people that matter, wonder why others can do things I can't seem to, why I can do things they can't...

As familiar as I am to myself right now, as so much of the way I feel these days is reminiscent, I can also see the ways in which things are different.  I can tell which bits are damage,which bits unecessary, which parts I need to work on, which to let go of, which I will transform, which I need to ignore...

I've accepted my shadow, it's a part of me that thinks of things I don't, it's a part that makes assumptions I wont, to do so is hard, getting easier, and I can only keep going as I am sure that one day, areas of my inner world will come back to me, my psychic sense, the capability to visualise in my inner eye, my mental world...

I am retraining the part that panics, and to be truthful I'm nowhere near as scared all the time that I was...

Or as numb, or as cheerful, I don't smile as much, don't laugh as much.

That could be the weed I'm not smoking, could be the lack of socialisation as i don't have regular times in or out with friends, as drinking is making me so tired of over indulgence...  Seeing that in others, do they really enjoy talking bollox, losing any sense of perspective, doing stupid things they'll regret?  That old assertion that I should probably do more, regret more, and yet NO FUCK IT I don't want to join in that way...

Eye contact is a pain in the ass, i struggled with becoming conscious in the moment during my youth, of my own breathing even, of eye contact, how much, how much is too much, how much enough?

I've mentioned this before, possibly on the 'live blog app' that disappeared if not in this incarnation of the blogosphere that I have joined, I am sure that the fractal nature of nature, the holographic blah, blah this theory that theory of the universe, cosmos, existence, I haven't gone to such lengths that I expect to end up in a terrible place when I die, although some severe punishment might not go amiss and who knows?

Maybe now that I'm in the process of accepting how much I've denied in the past, maybe just maybe.

Well before I digress, it's the nuances, the underlying stuff, what goes unsaid too much of the time.

The things that it takes many hours if not weeks, months years to get to...

The things that split people up after a long relationship, or the things that don't come up until you've spent a lot of time getting to know someone, the things that aren't mentioned in polite conversation, you need to get past the subterfuge,the small talk to open up, testing each other, are they,will they,won't they, how much, how little, what next?  Do I dare?  Whatever will they think of me?

All just dancing around, testing defences, opportunities to change your mind, go in a different direction, lead somewhere, take a road somewhere else...


It's been emotional, I have cried a lot in the past when the emotion was there to be expressed, but I've cried a lot more in the last 8 months or so, much more in the last few several weeks...

Patience, how can I do all the things I want to?

How can I lose control, how can I accept the stress and pressure of so many possibilities?

There are many things, going on at once, so many friends, so many acquaintances, possible experiences.

I should have gotten past the 'enjoying this conversation' stage and past the 'oh fuck I think no, I know I'm attracted to this person, and I think they might like me too' stage to doing something about that, without getting too far into the future, without working out that it will end terribly, they'll want sex and I need to take things slow.  They'll want something I won't and I'm just not great at expressing what I need in the moment, or am I?  So unsure of myself, so little practise at living in the real world, far too much experiencing things in my mind instead where it isn't real, just fantasy, just my imagination running wild, wishing isn't getting.

Many times I've dreamt of things, now my spelling is losing its way surely, is dreamt ok or is it this darned american english spell checker,fuck you capitalisation, fuck you punctuation, fuck you the niceties of polite conversation, the ways in which people dance around saying what they really mean,using language to subvert, to withdraw, to rearrange things to their liking, so that they can live more easily with their own version of events, their own picture of this life, their perspective through the looking glass.

I've hung around with people more crippled than myself, birds of a feather, fucking mentalists together, ex friends, when they grow up I don't fit in anymore, when they get boring I move on, when they don't realise that I can't keep on making the same mistakes that they are living anymore, when I lose my patience with the ways in which they don't want to change and I must, or vices versas...

Can't work out why that whole paragraph has been red-underlined, what did I do wrong?

I made mistakes, I haven't murdered anything,constantly asking myself questions.

Finding the t.v. the other things I've given up as a bad job, the old habits, the smoking, the lack of spirituality, the lack of evidence, the lack of truth, the lack of an achor of my own any more, the lack of the sense I had that I had a handle on this stuff up until recently, I know I had to go back before I could go on, I had to work on clearing the past from the back burner, I had to experience things I'd put off, I had to go back to the drawing board, had to see my own versions of old software, my own outdated hardwired programs, my own fractured mind, for what they really are, for who I really am, and in that gap, that interminable space in time of the last year,I have seen.  I've seen the darkness and the light, blindingly at first, at the outset on this disastrous voyage of selfishness discoveries, asking was any of it for the good of all or just me?

And so here I am, beset on all sides by the inequities of something and the tyranny of evil men?

Not sure, I've let it go, I've decided that not all of the bad is bad, the good good.

No-one is all good or all bad, there is good there and bad there and everything inbbetwixt-tween ...

I'm sorry but anyone can get and have sex by lying to themselves or to whoever you want.

I need to make love, I saw it as a cure, I saw it as the cure and that was a lie too.

Rather than accept the truths that I tell you, it's easier to get defensive..
I'm sorry for that, I don't want to hurt you, cruel to be kind is better.

I'm trying to be honest, more honest than  ever before.

I've been capable of accepting the truth about me.

And making a change, when it's the end, it is.

No arguments, don't try to make me stay.

I like to know, tell me, I appreciate it.

Always a sweet tooth, for candour.

And terrible puns..

Light &
Love
Jon
x

Lady One Question (She only asks one question)

The one question is "am I sane?"

Once it was brought into being, there really was no looking back or rather there was only ever looking back.

Trying to put the events of my life into context, am I? Was I all this time a bit off?

Have I been well hidden, just riding along without facing up to my own inadequacies?

Yes!  I suppose I have, had an internal life that meant I usually just let people think what they liked.

I wouldn't challenge that often, just let them get on with their way of seeing the world and doing things.

I haven't done anything with mine, been too scared of life to get stuck in.

No-one has bothered to get to know me well enough or even asked me why I haven't.

No-one, just the odd question about the usual things.

I'm clever enough to get by, change the subject, humourously.

However my sense of humour often fails, it's failed, has gone.

It's there occasionally I suppose when I can let down my guard.

I guess too it's cos I am on edge all the time, constantly conscious all the time, in the moment, asking myself the questions, asking myself what do I mean by that? What do they mean by that?  What does it all mean?

By that, I mean what does it all mean?

Is this really real?  You see I've seen reality crack like the shell of an egg, daring it to do so, waiting to see what lay on the other side.  Laying on this side, in the dark, in my minds eyes, visionary experience lead me to a place where souls and bodies were intertwined in a very suggestive enterprise, that was either hellish or heavenly depending on your viewpoint, like slavering beasts or lustful ones at that, or just the merging of everyone into a collectively conscious sex party ;)

I've had the notion avail itself to me before that this whole thing is just a fancy way of keeping us occupied, the movies, the t.v. shows, all of it just a nice distraction from what's really going on behind the scenes.

If life is staged play on I say, however I'm not interested in playing this game any longer, maybe that's why when I get so down that I don't want to be here, my health fails.

Or maybe my insistence on behaving in certain ways had led my health down a cul-de-sac, a t-junction, a dead end.

At the moment, I seem to have nerve damage, I seem to have the old stomach pain back again, although I'm far too stubborn to let it affect my mood in the same old ways, or am I?

Not sure, only I'm fairly chipper for someone who thinks this whole place is a joke, and a bad one, a bad yoke, an off egg, a reality with no substance  beyond the veneer of nicety that everyone keeps up to each others faces,  don't rock the boat, don't shipwreck the cruising passengers, don't look for the treasure in the chest, just keep playing with the shiny toys and keep playing the silly games, to amuse yourselves.

Hmmm,  I have such an issue with what to believe at the moment.

You see o hell springs to mind, hello, our greeting, hell - o / o - hell - o

The new age crap is getting mentaller by the day, energy this, healing that...

None of it is getting us anywhere fast, not as quickly as it should, we're being conned.

That's my feeling, that whoever put this sham together would know all the answers, would know our minds.

In which case the good guys who want to let people in on this would always be easily discredited...

Who cares?  I don't so much and yet as I heal from the anniversary of a psychotic break, a yelling, getting naked, 8 to ten hour nightmare, where I did not drink in the heat of last summer, but just ranted my way through a series of looping explosions, telling later from what I remembered, how I was god from the start to the end of time, how I was unraveling the knots of the timelines and bringing them into one coherent string, that could be travelled from one end to the other and any point inbetween, how  I could see quite easily the rollercoaster that is trying to be empathic, joyful, constantly seeing the change from one state to another, don't feel sorry for me, feel with me, now I smile and you rejoice, let's all be together as one, (hoping some of this is new, coming from deep within, though without a clue of much of that time period,I may be making some of this up now)...

The confidence I had after that led me to my first relationship for nearly twenty years, (sorry, I was dating someone for 9 days or so, and then friends with them, internally unconditionally so, until disappointingly realising and then hating myself for slightly making the same old mistake in a much shorter time period, in that it was infatuation, not unconditional love at all,although to be fair I wasn't terribly hurt, I handled my failure the best I ever have, didn't torture myself with those items, memories the way i would have held onto them and made it harder, and neither did I hide them away to make it easier,so I honestly coped with having loved someone really well, for a short while in my mind anyway)...  until someone pointed out the change in me, I thought I was fine, then the downward spiral to this point, in my own personal hell, and seeing nothing but, although again, I'm slowly climbing from the mire, I volunteered for this shit btw (I had the question arise within me, the fact that the newest challenges on the horizon would mean me taking on more responsibility than ever before, I couldn't handle that, so I volunteered to go to hell and back on the condition than if I succeeded I might save some other poor souls in the process and maybe even mine too.)  I now see that process as my own internal dialogue with the psychiatric damage and subsesquent battle to remain sane and the truth is it has felt like a hellish year,so rarely interspersed with anything but my own desire to escape, and slowly but surely and finally,other peoples concerns being brought to my mind, others getting a chance to grab at my coat tales, when in one insident, the thought came to mind that I was dragging everyone connected to me down to hell with me...  That was a scary night and led to my deciding that all psychedelics weren't a good idea while I battle what I see as a psychosis, I'll let the historians or transpersonal, aliens, fairies, our higher selves, the future transhumans with the technology to do so to look back and retrospectively acuse me of such a diagnosis, even without the benefit of a crime to punish me for, as I'm getting healed by the day,the hope that has been instilled and the final notion that I can't express what I've done for the benefit of myself of course but also because of the impact on others,and it's not a true sense but memories that I have to deal with, and they are as unreliable as my time keeping at times...  All this came to me in the year, in the last few months of that year from september '11 to spetember '12,whereas during my experience and the subsequent weeks the following question was asked within me...

Internally in my mind, I was asked the question, "You can be anything, anyone, have any power, what will you be?"  I chose I stated, "To be a normal guy!"  And I was ish for a while, not scared of the idea of having kids, not scared to ask a beautiful woman for a kiss (and "Can I see you again?" subsequent to dropping her home the next day, after driving back in heaven really...)

I miss those days, although I don't regret them, or the ones inbetween, to climb out of the mire I have had to be completely honest with myself, how much I fucked up, how honesty isn't always the best policy, it is, mind you, but not when it comes to sharing the truth around quite so much... Best to be honourable too and make some good choices...  I didn't hurt anyone too badly except myself, but I deserved it, I see whatever happens now as my punishment, the just desserts for the things I did along the way from infancy to the shamadulthood that I am living now...

Now I have to get into the bath, shave to make myself look nice  for work tomorrow, try not to think about the scary fucking shadow brought mind images I've been dealing with, the thoughts that recur, the songs that get stuck in my mind, is it anxiety, the issue of a damaged,over used stress, fight or flight response, I always was scared stiff of girls, using the phone, lots of things, leaving school for a bigger one, leaving school for work, but somehow the courage was inside all the time, and if something had to be done, I did it.

Enough for now, maybe this years damage to me, this last years worth of highs and lows, this last song, this last time for me to look at myself and again decide I'm a cunt, that's unfair, but I have been in ways I can't say, so whatever, all I know is I have to persist, have to find some way of working out who the good guys and the bad guys are, is there a heaven?  How can I make a difference in someone else's lives for the better?

How can I at least have done something worthwhile before I die?

Is there a new age coming?  Is it evil?  The product of the god of technology that I don't rate?

Am I being punished for almost knowing what the fuck this place is?

Getting so close that it hurts so I lean backwards and try to see from a safe distance...

rambling now, bath's getting cold, put the chickens in their hutch in the run and jump in the bath and get up and work my socks off, hope the neuropathy won't mean I end up being a diabetic...

Maybe I am already who knows?

Diet, change something.

Light?
and Love?
Jon?
x?

Illness In The Body

So my mind is slowly coming out of the illness, the state of self loathing, the balance between the heretofore shadow and reality...  The shadow has slowly receded now that I've come to a decision about it, made terms and agreed them, and finally feeling like progress has been made, the repeating of things goes on, my mind is usually overwhelmed by the thoughts that won't go away, my body has been giving me so much grief.

I am feeling emotions rear up from within and letting them go, my feet are in pain, is it neuropathy?  Having tests done to find out if it's diabetes, I have improved my diet recently and shall continue to do so, I don't and won't accept that I can't get out of this situation through a process of continual improvement.

Stress induced I wouldn't wonder, all of these things, the pain in my abdomen that is there from time to time associated with depression, however I am not as depressed, just find it hard to get out of bed.

Had a wonderful evening Thursday night, got back a little late, then stayed up instead of going straight to bed, then couldn't get to sleep, when I've been going early to rest, to meditate, to ease into sleep every night.

So will have to keep up the good habits, as lack of rest, sleep, seems to make the early morning anxiety worse, waking early then worrying about my health, can't get back to sleep, not sure I want to live with illness, not sure I can make it through some days, but less so gradually, the worst days are over, the time spent going over old things slowly becoming less.

I am doing this the hard way allright, as I have always done, making this the least happy period I have ever experienced, the closest I've ever come to wanting it to not continue, however the most conscious I've been of these thoughts and feelings and so the pain is so exquisite, and seems justified so I don't hide from it, have wallowed in it at times even.

All I know is that it's slowly getting better, I will get through this,I will find ways to move on up.

I will find a forward escape velocity, I will find solutions, it's making me work hard for them.

Finding the more I work on meditating, although I find spirituality so confusing,I have to work internally.

I have to try to ignore the temptations outside, the options out there, work on the body, the mind.

Can't decide what is true anymore when it comes to all the different options out there.

Need to start experiencing things for real, working hard, not enjoying it much.

But that brings me back to the notion that I'm not supposed to.

I was wrong, I thought I was one of the good guys,

my evil twin is calming down, my shadow less of a pain, sure I have to accept it,

has returned with a vengeance, having been subjugated for so long, locked up,

came back with all sorts of daft and frankly dark impressions that I recognise from others,

friends have intimated similar things that I would never have agreed with and don't now either

but I can see where they come from, I still regret so much that I did whilst following,

unable to lead myself, unable to see what I was doing, just rolling down the road,

no direction, still feeling lost in the desert, still desserted, still alone.

 Few actual connections, one in particular I value,  can't contact.

Work, at home, work, work work, work, work, work...

Finding time to just be, trying not to depress others.

Persisting despite the occasional desire not to.

The mental anxiety and imagery draining of power, I am bringing it to bare it's not coming out on it's own, not remembered so much as the vaguest thing now, not as harsh, or clear, just a thing, I am working through.

I've made my peace with the past, or am slowly getting there, nothing I can do but work to make a difference, work to readress the balance, work to do some good in light of the clear and present danger of the old things that came back, that I'd denied...

All this new age crap makes no sense to me and there are so many voices in the world, talking rubbish.

A daft scientific basis, no evidence, just using accounts to create a history.

I'm giving it all up, going to see what comes from within, deny the things I know are wrong

Go with what I know is right, knowing I have stuff to make up for,

Time I did so, looking back with disgust, I thought I was one of the good guys, so now I must be gooder

Love
Jon
x