To this group I became someone who was an avid follower, they suggest that mental illness is a symptom of the modern world and that broadly speaking, there is a route from this to mental wellness, shamanically.
In other words, and I'm paraphrasing, but basically, nature is goodness, is god, is spirituality and we are a part of it, and the illnesses we display are merely a descent from our place, or feeling that we rise above it.
To my mind, our place in nature is as stewards and as stewardesses and that we are failing dismally, because of our history, i've named it his-tory, his-story because in most cases it was men who were the victors and thus wrote the stories that we have come to tell ourselves and each other and those are what we see today.
The stories of creation that came down to us from those who came before, and my journey, from darkness to light, my path of knowledge, to know myself more thoroughly, to see myself more clearly, to accept my follies and my favours and my good deeds for what they are but also the lies I have told myself in the past.
My physical attempts to heal have indeed been what I thought they were, if i got a hug afterwards, or raised a smile, or in some cases a tear by being there for someone in a purely loving way then that is a good thing.
My energetic attempts to heal, may all have been in my mind, whatever the circumstances of proof received from others, who knows, i never attempted to prove it beyond a shadow of a doubt to myself because i firmly believed in what i was doing, i believed there was a goodness to energy work because it is free.
I have never charged for massage, apart from once someone gave me some money towards a journey that i never made, and i hold that memory in my mind as an example of the ways i need to repay kindnesses, there are a few I intend to make right. I never charged for energy work either to my mind that is the right way.
I did however receive a jar of honey from someone whose ankle i worked on for half an hour or so and who was able to rejoin their friends up a steep hill, and in fact took to dancing on it almost immediately to my intense appreciation of what I had done, but i don't consider that to be an example of something i need to have any pride in, i did what was necessary because someone was hurting and they got a lot out of it.
The experience of the last months, was to many others, to those around me, a scary time, because it dealt with themes that have haunted this world for at least two thousand years, since the time of christ, of jesus.
I don't know an awful lot about these things, i have only recently taken to reading the bible, of having the words and tunes to hymns coming out of me, to songs I found to have meanings I did not like the sound of, such as jerusalem, to me, the jewish state is a bully who was previously bullied almost into exstinction but that is no excuse for their behaviour in this world, after all were not the bankers in the temple at fault?
The money changers, so i know that i have straddled many traditions, religious and spiritual in my quest for answers and the experiences i had, in my mind i grant you, the visions i saw were scary but beautiful i worry if i said or did things that i have to consider as having some baring on what happens when i die because I made commitments, i made what i thought were wedding vows, at the time to mortal women telepathically.
Sounds crazy I know, but that quote from Saint James the Elder that I found, 'dear mortal be wife, before tis too late, on mere moments, rest an eternal fate'. I wonder was it be wise or be wife? Be wife to god, be true to who you are, be true to the one you love, love nature, love this existence, love this place whatever its faults, love one another, that is what i take it to mean, and the symbols, the visions, of a beautiful star in the heavens coming down to meet me, the word in my mind was shaitan, the darkness, the lightbringer, these things can be taken in a variety of ways, if our fear makes us doubt, if our perspective makes us fear, we can see things turn from darkness to light and vice versa. On a full moonlit night a cloud can make us shudder.
When the light disappears our fears can return, but I have found there is nothing to fear out there but men.
Or should I say, people, for the most part there are no animals for us to fear in nature any more not here.
Not in this country and as for anything else to fear, ghosts, spirits, i don't know I haven't been to the places that others say are haunted, I don't like the idea of visiting them and trying to contact the dead, in ways that suggest you think it is entertaining to see them as spirits who will never rest and will remain there forever.
I'm getting sidetracked because of the investigators i have met, mediums who work with touring those places.
I myself may never experience these things again, like the sense and sight of being surrounded by spirits.
Who knows whether my mind was addled or sent into a frenzy of self delusion by chemicals and plants.
I know I heard the name come out of my subconcious mind, that i mentioned before, and pistis sophia.
The goddess pistis sophia, and that is who i was referencing tonight when i sought her out and read.
About gods wife, the divine feminine in the gnostic tradition, i mean no disrespect to any religion.
I never have but there is a part of us that we deny, the one who judges others, thoughts we hide.
Thoughts we don't say were expressed, came to mind for me to see and deride and never say.
Aspects of my self were seen by me and it is painful to see those parts we never talk about.
Perhaps they come about, around when we are young and are told to never act on them.
The shadow self, the subconcious, the animal, the alter ego and my altar came to me.
I created a place quite naturally that contains all the little trinkets that i have found.
First of all crystals came into my life as gifts and i gave them away and again.
Some more came my way and i found my eyes drawn to the worthless.
To things that others might take a shine to or feel resonates with them.
To my mind that is the meaning of having these worthless things.
To give them away and have a place to keep them for others.
That is all i have, and two seats, one for you and one for me.
Beneath them a white stone and a multi coloured one only.
We can talk and exchange our energies our feelings.
I see the fallacies because I have overdone it all.
I never became the sensible healer I wished to.
Not in the longterm yet, i had to go through.
This journey of self disrespect to evolve.
To accept my his-story and see truth.
And that is that I am seeking love.
The love and redemption above.
A chance to do some good.
That's all i wish for myself.
No love but that which
i give to others freely
if i receive any in
truth i will have
earned it
finally
+
That is all around us on earth
the opportunity to do some
good despite those who
would wish to create
a world of liars
and make
us lie
too
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