thinking of you anew

i couldn't see, why you'd want to talk to me, so i reduced my availability and left myself free to do other things and basically it goes a little something like this with me that i stupidly let your need, desire, wish or frenzy to speak directly drive me and mine my spine was weak and frankly broken or underdeveloped in the first place to taking myself to task and asking why i find revulsion and hatred for rejection as the cause and pausing it reveals a deep wound from then not now but nonetheless i confess it dealt a blow to my whole life meaning i could never take the strife, could not consciously accept responsibility easily, defend myself other than viciously and with a death blow i know that's not right to fight was never my intention but like an animal cornered i would like to say i'm free of all that stuff like obsession and i was last night after chanting the name of the bhudda i well met suddenly i no longer has to count how many sips i took of the love that shook me to my core, waking i find a song repeating again so i treat that with a smile and thoughts of you send me into recrimination because you don't deserve it i am sure, pure love is not about contemplation of a foundation that was never built so i assume it's just me thinking of you not the other way around driving me down, but no i choose to look upwards, flow, grow and heal these attempts to bring me round, splash water on my face, cold showers to heal my disgrace, energetic wounds and pick the potent raspberries so many i can't eat em all but i can choose one for me, one for mousey and get ready to work, feeling less of a jerk just a lesson for me from old, go deeper, keep doing what you're doing and find that spark within, use it to create a better whole around, love freely, don't con myself or anyone that there's anything here but a friend in waiting, release the self hating loathsome beast feasting on my fake self and body pain, shame, guilt, built on lies i know who i am deep inside because i'm following the advice of allies, i love you and let you go again and again because that's what lends us our freedom from domination, from them and us and we, love from me :) + <3