If you feel bad don't pass that off as somebody else's problem. No kneejerk reactions to things that you find hard to accept about yourself. Get real, begin accepting that everything starts and ends with you.
I was on a shamanic journey last year and after having spent months preparing in the right way and learning how to avoid many of the pitfalls I had enjoyed several full moon evenings out in nature facing my fears and on this occasion was in communication with the moon who was my teacher. When you are brought into the stunning light of clarity about who you are it becomes much easier to see how obvious, vicious and unnecessary the behaviour of yourself and others really is.
Mushrooms when taken in the correct environment are a true learning experience and allowed me to see the world for what it truly is. A projection out of what I believe and live internally.
I asked the Moon and it seemed quite reluctant to answer but in the end my friend had to admit that it was me all along. In other words all of reality is merely an outward attempt to realise who we are.
I am upset that someone could look at me and see whatever they like but that is the choice you have to make for yourself. I only attempt to be honest with myself first and then carry that into my dealings with others.
If you expect something which doesn't happen, whose fault is that?
Is it the worlds fault or the person you had expectations of?
Of course it isn't. Don't build up your hopes based on what you want the world and other persons to be because you will mostly be disappointed. Have an open mind, have hopes and dreams by all means but if you attach yourself to them wholeheartedly don't be too surprised when your hopes and dreams are dashed and when your mind recoils and shuts up shop.
I've been honest, open, respectful and loving towards myself and then carried that with me into the world and anyone I meet. At times I have become incredibly frustrated with other people because of my own desire for them to change. It's up to them to change and any attempt to force them to is gonna fail.
If you are dishonest with me in person I can often sense or just plain see it. I may decide on that basis to have nothing more to do with you and I probably wont tell you because it's already clear to me that you are a stranger to the truth. If you are able to lie to me the fact is that you are lying to yourself first, and yet you only seem to want to blame me for your own failure to be honest.
I know who I am, the people who know me know what I am like, the opinions of people who don't have a clue don't matter to me. We are all changing a little bit everyday unless we are resistant to that change. I had to get right out of my comfort zone in order to finally feel comfortable in my own skin. That's hard and I've only been able to do that by quitting everything in my life, going right back to square one and building myself back up from the ground. It was a risky strategy but if I had not I wouldn't be here today, I would have killed myself, or in my case carried on not wanting to live, gotten even more ill and died.
Nothing and no-one deserves to be treated with disrespect, if I say something you don't like, rather than asking yourself whether that applies to you and if it doesn't let it go, it's so much easier to just assume I'm attacking you, your group, your sex, your religion. None of those things matter to me. They are not real, there are no differences only similarities.
I don't see any difference between people except the ones they choose to use to define themselves. Women and Men are far more similar than we like to admit because it's easier to use the stereotypes set down to create a divide. In the end we are all going to be of one mind.
I have no desire to upset anyone or give someone the wrong impression but rather than ask yourself hard questions you go for the easy option, the quick fix, that's because you're addicted to drama, addicted to your own emotional states, addicted to the brain chemicals that are released when you feel angry or miserable.
When you try to change it 'hurts like hell' so you revert to your old ways.
I've hurt myself far more than you ever could and learn't not to react.
Rationally trying to think your way out of a crisis will not work.
You have to feel your way in the dark to get over your fear.
I was insulted, bullied, treated like I am some kind of bad person.
That was easier than looking at yourself and realising it's you who is insulting.
It's you who are bullying others.
You are a bad person.
Accepting that and anything else you find on close inspection and examination of yourself is the only way you will ever get over others comments and find out that actually :-
You don't like insulting others
Bullying makes you sad.
You're not bad.
I've been there done that and going out into nature, with the help of certain natural medecines in a sensible, non recreational way was what brought me to the point of forgiving myself for the ways in which I was an idiot in the past, forgive myself for things I did to others, forgive myself for always expecting the worst and so was rarely disapppointed.
Trying to reintegrate the new me into the social circles I used to travel in leads to others expectations of who I was making it very difficult to maintain my new way of doing things, new way of seeing the world, but that's just the first step to saying NO!... The buck stops here.
I am different to how I used to be, and will not cave in because you insist on not seeing that.
I have to try until there's a chink in your armour, a light in the windows to your soul.
I've seen that sparkle back in your eyes, I saw how happy it made you.
I know how hard it is at first, so I'm going to be patient.
Keep on keeping on. Be consistent.
Love despite your hate.
Let it go.
Love
Jon
x
A short reply to some criticisms directed at me that I had to truthfully ask myself is that true?
No I don't read or own lots of spiritual books, and rather than go out and get fucked on drugs, I actually used mushrooms in a safe and controlled environment to learn something about myself, not to have a good time. Although it is true that to get to this point I did read books, I still look for answers online and some of my inspiration comes from others. I did have to and still have to go out to have a good time with my new friends and some of those occasions I abuse drugs to help me get there. I've relaxed my attitude of using drugs to help me become uninhibited, however I find that other people have a very confused memory of their own experiences because of that. I like to remember most if not all of an evening, I don't go out to get fucked very often, I like to relax and enjoy myself and losing control is not fun for me anymore. If I was rude to you it was because you expected something of me that I was unable to provide, that is your problem not mine.
I need to manage my own and other peoples expectations better.
I don't have a small penis.
I'm not lost.
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