i want to explain something literally
because the thoughts in my head are
not all mine i know mediums explain it
as our loved ones who have passed on
ive never been that sure but was willing to
listen to what they had to say and if i've been
stupid enough to let what i thought was positive
become negative and unhelpful and unkind and well
let's just say most would explain it away say it's mental
aberration and perhaps they would be right from their view
their perspective might prevent them from experiencing or seeing
what i used to say was believing was seeing for let's say ghosts and ufo's
sceptics can come up with all sorts of reasons why there's no such things and
they never seem to see, hear, feel anything smell someone perfume, tobacco smoke
take it seriously if you're going to get involved, treat the subject with respect even
because for me, what seemed liked advice about cooking at first and answers
to any question i might like to ask, i thought of my subconcious, imagination
became more like a friend i could confide in, conspiratorially, confess to
and now even less to be trusted and befriended seemingly to be got
rid of as soon as possible, the reasons manifold, thoughts that it
would be better to be dead, than live like this, my mind not
a space i can think of as merely my own, naive, innocent
stupid, not to ask for help sooner, to be more careful
to assume because of delusions of grandure that
i could handle it, i was in control, i was good
and capable and worthy of responsibility
so i now reflect on the last few years
goodness knows how long because
all i can say is some would create
a stink or a fuss but kept mostly
to myself instead of seeking
someone i could trust to
help me understand
and extricate me
from this mess
i confess it's
not fun so
i won't
go on
just say
for me there
is evidence of
life after death or
at least of spirit surviving
still, here, an intelligence capable
of communication, im not on drugs and
eating and living clean so i can't blame that or
feel like i've been in a state lately where i might say
i felt as though my mental landscape was anything but clear
except the feeling that it's being invaded in a sense by answers to
questions im not asking anymore, i think of something to do, to think
and right there is an answer like don't do that, don't do this, keeping me
confused and unsure which way to go, songs going round and round but at
least that's a break from constant, worse in the mornings conversations going on
if you ever wonder about this place, all the good stuff, the bad stuff, it's a mess
isn't it? the stuff that people talk about on the fringes, the yoga, meditation
i don't blame any of that, i recognise my thoughts at times were daft and
delusional back in the day so you could say it's all the same thing and
mental illness instead of wellness could well be the same thing as
this, in that over the years, a harmful spirit would be able to
take up residence in the body of someone out of theirs
out of their mind or who was often doing things that
left room, perhaps that was it, i wish you all well
i am so happy for those i have met and others
who are happy, im smiling every time i think
of you all, living lives, having fun, loving
being loved, hugging it out, letting it
in, time runs thin, it's forced me
into a corner and i gotta be
good and keep good
routines, take up
exercises and
regimes that
keep the
body
and
mind
in tip top
shape at least
thats one area less
to worry about and
as i go out tonight and
do my best to connect to
who i am inside, do the work
of reconnecting to who i lost and what
when i wasted all those years getting drunk
and doing drugs, by all means blame it on that
or mushroom trips or other things, ive done and
claimed were harmless if done correctly, in a loving
respectful ceremony, set and setting, never forgetting
to treat these things as the safe practises that they were
i know being god from the beginning to the end of time that
time five years ago set the bar high and that is part of why this
is still going on it's like finding out there really is a god and whose
to say what else out there and it feels surreal to accept that it is so
and know that you've done wrong living in a self repeating looping song
claiming all the forgotten sins and seeing them and yourself for who you really are
no more the shining star that i once was but maybe will be once again befriending me
resending a request to myself to clean myself out from the inside and all over and
im rambling because i have no proof for you but maybe thats also the point
this world is here for us to experience and make our own mind up and
choices i made mine and wish i'd made so many in a different way
perhaps i'd be living a different day today and loving life a bit
more than i currently do, this is fun, putting myself under
a microscope, seeing how i could live far simpler
seeing the ways that i don't or didn't care or
take part, seeing how little interest i took
in other people not asking questions
of them to get to know them and
i blamed that on the fear of
losing someone else and
grief now i question
everything all over
and over again
seeking truth
from me to
you i wish
you all
well
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