underlying dying

we all die a little each day
one way or another they say
so living is a constant battle to
last a little longer or a little less.
I must confess I heard so many
things from inside my head and,
I chose to understand each one
to listen to the words i recieved
they were you will die if you go
on smoking within ten years so
i chose to stop that habit and
the others were easy to get
a handle on i noticed that
my blog gets many extra
views in one block on a
given day random so it
seems from wherever
i do not know why
it's a pretty bleak
source of info
more of a long
stream of leaks
from my mind to
be honest it's not
as depressing as it
seemed for so long
im smiling more and
carrying on with living
wondering just who it is
that keeps me going and
i admit it's others more and
more so i'm less sore and yes
for their sake as much as mine
im feeling better and better and
treating myself with more respect
eating more healthily facing addicts
conversations within my body listening
to what is going on feeling those pains in
the chest but moreover feeling wonderous
less ponderous and these little bursts of the
creative juices are quite natural so it seems to
me to be normal and functional and giving body
to my frame letting the practise of fitting words to
this shapely way of writing is exciting and makes me
work harder to use no words more than once and again
it's making less sense that these clicks from abroad are for
any sensible reason, more a case of some junk, some phishing
some daft internet scammers attempt to make someone revenue
rather than a fan of mine and a form of retinue but i digress merely
to explain my wonder at these so called readers of this blog that's so
murky all these thoughts it's been a long period of darkness being set on
fire, my internal self set alight, so i can see the most fraught corners and yes
i have to conclude they are not my most appreciative sections i wonder for the
thoughts that come if i don't accept that they are mine, let them go, reflect upon
them and just move on, assume they are the subconcious, the deepest waters of
the ocean of the mind, come from who knows where to sink and suffer dumping
by ships that sail across the surface, no more codes or tries to sound clever here
there's just me and all this that has been going on inside mostly dislike for myself
that isn't going on forever, hanging in there has become a decision to make plans
to do more for others than i can for me, i have a certain desire to fulfill for them.
Saving as I am every penny apart from dharma, apart from charity, apart from
predilection to good food and creating a balance inside and out, acting better
making the recreation of body mind and those others things like souls, spirits
well who knows about all that, saving myself for future trips to distant shore
and sea while inner journeying comes through dreams and contemplations
finding my world clearing up i must have saved all this on the back burner
never having been this straight for twenty years and flip flopping the last
several always going back to cannabis and ignorance which is not bliss
doubting the incredible feelings and experiences as products of minds
eyes that were blind and finding much more considerable things like
feeling good about others, being there, communicating more and
facing the roots and branches and trunk and forest floor, sky
the stars i don't see except for at the end of regular week
day tuesday to learn healing wednesday to learn taichi
thursday to go to church and see what i can see and
learn from mystics who call themselves clairvoyant
as my own sense come back to me, smell first
asking for hearing, sight, touch, taste and a
little of each returning as the ingredients
im consuming allow the body to heal
to be restored and what is more
bit by bit i feel much like i was
once before a long time ago
so don't worry because
that is suffering twice
once now at the
thought of it
once when
it occurs
whereas it
is better to
just breath
long, deep
meditate a
regular time
it's falling by
the wayside
writing them
down in my
journal and
working on
making the
next years
better than
those that
passed by
recently
without
much
care
living
now
is
a
bit
more
expressive
so much more
impressive in terms
of the feelings and the
fear yes but more than that
the realisations the connections
the time to waste or do things with
like this although an early night beckons
savour the time i spend asleep as my true self
waking is such a bitter pill to swallow every morn
as i become someone i would rather not recognise but
it's ok the lies i told myself for all those years hold no sway
the truth is so much better to live with because it carries us here
to the point of no return, the now, the feelings, the emotions coming
up and out to be honoured and not shouted about but i can feel it the
surreal moment that it must have been for everyone who has ever lived
to be the last generation as far as we know to ever set foot on this earth
the apex of civilisation as yet the owner of a past that lead us to destruction
on a planetary scale of the environment, the air, the waters and the animals yet
the possibilities are endless, savouring every breath, coming back to the body and
leaving it there, making my own chocolate, my own food, from the basics knowing
what is in it, not factory produced, will eat more wild and natures bounty comes so
soon, the spring will bring it back to us, my connection and these good habits keep
me honest and away from things i have loved but are better where they are smiling,
every time i think of the people i have met, knowing they are living lives and feeling
breathing, boundless energy, knowing they are doing well makes me extra happy.
My intuition, the explanations i find for different experiences, learning more and
making sure not to be a burden, not to go outside the prescribed limits of the
world that others tread just yet, let's see what settles after perturbing my
murky waters, creating new connections over the last few years and
tears, tearing shredding recycling fighting to find answers now less
of that just letting it come to me as i check in regularly with the
contents of my mind, changing the habits of a lifetime like the
insistence i once had around certain ways of doing things
needing to be right, letting others show me how i was
wrong, trying to be more patient, letting the films
that used to replay in my mind start over and
this time watching from outside so i see the
directors cut not the version i thought i
was meant to see, veils lifting, falling
from the eyes, the sense, as i pray
i ask for healing, truths revealing
dreams to give me insights to the
processes of the days and nights,
as time goes by and i spend less
of this precious time in desperate
searching in the wrong directions
leaving it here for tonight i wish to
meditate, search my energy, relate
as i contend that everything is core
apple, pip, flesh, stalk, heart shaped
no longer caring where it should fall
but letting go and respecting others
that they ought to be first and most
fore in my thoughts and visions of
a palace where i met parvati and
shiva who told me of the first of
all the love stories, of the house
with so many rooms within it.
The time I met hera and zeus
that was who i guessed they
were and offered me a job
maybe this is what it was
to explain things thus so
insuccintly making up
words like majestical
one i heard today in
a charming little film
from new zealand
so off to bed to
get my spirit
read and
feel a
bit
more
of the
feeling
coursing
through me
when i let the
energy be free
dense to lighter
lover not fighter
let me transform
from imaginal cell
just like a butterfly
from worm to wind
born insect just by
pupating and as
if by magic i
can try to
resume
whatever
it was i was
doing before
all this doom
and gloom
overtook
all of us
it's a
silly
way
to do
this but
i saw a pic
of me and some
friends in amsterdam
today from eighteen months
ago and i didn't really recognise
myself in one where i was manically
happy and i saw why i was too much
we are so many people different each
circumstance each audience so hence
forth i decide to be the best one that
i can choose each time to go in one
direction rather than any other to
find myself in the middle of the
path with others falling here
and there shedding skins
eating my own tail to
savour the findings
pregnant pauses
rendering sins
floundering
learning.
Yawning
Dawning
Surrender
So tender.
Desiring to be free of all the monotony of this fucking form filling so called meritocracy.
However i know that i owe those close so much more than any bureaucracy so there.
That's the crux, the crossroads I keep coming back to, it's home, my heart and you.
There's nothing for me to work on but fulfilling these tiny few promises to family so.