She Wolf

I used to howl at the moon and my howl is reminiscent of a coyote not a wolf as it goes but hey it was fun to howl, whenever i felt like it, not just at the moon, ow ow owwwoooooooooo.  The she wolf, coyote, vixen was after me and hunting me down, this time last year, I had walked in all the other cardinal directions east, west, south and this time it was north, into fields to run away, to someone's doorstep but shyness kept me from ringing the bell so I continued on in my search for a safe place, these days were filled with thoughts around the idea that it was my last day on earth, every day was, so I thought 'a hottub' 'I've never been submerged in a hottub, if this is my last day alive I ought to see what it's like'.  I ran muddied to the hill climbing down the road sides, thoughts of terrors lurking as i descended into the bowels, she was still
hunting me down, seen like a flash in the dark night, I heard what sounded like a friend calling me but
in reality it was an owl, or a fox crying out, I saw her in front of me and screamed a fierce growling
guttural and deep and even though those days were filled with thoughts of spirits and allies, foes I
held my own and it seemed to do the trick, she was afraid of the animal in me that came forth so
I had a respite for at least a little while, and then oh I felt her come from behind me entering and
finding a haven inside, caught and taken hostage, wandering listlessly all the fantasies entwined
all the things I've learnt, read about spirit, spirituality, coming together in my mind, paralysed
by fear as the morning came around finally the early light as i made my home again pausing
seeing the vision of someone in a historic house, they stood, then clutched at themselves
and then seemed to fall as though collapsing from a sudden illness, and I was terrified
feeling as though the spirit of some kind of evil had taken residence inside my chest
making my way home, fearing the worst, as usual unable to go and see or find out
the truth because I couldn't trust what I was seeing, experiencing, real, imagined?
Finding smiles on  my face when things in the media weren't happy news, those
fears made manifest, tracks all over the area in every direction, mirror mazes
made to confuse the hunters, the whoever would likely be on my trail and
more confusion between periods of lucidity, actions taken or not would
lead to the same result, do this, no sir!  I will not, the end will be the
same whatever you do.  Lights n the sky, stars when squinting are
going nova, all the stars are going to go out, familiar information
becomes rare, the sun sets in the opposite direction and all of
this another sign of what was set into motion when i was god
delusions of grandeur and delusions of crimes i never did do
a blue light flashing  on my laptop because i unplugged mains
the battery attempting to recharge, journeys small and large.
Conclusions are that I should be wary of what i considered
in the past to be anything other than lies inside my mind and
water under the bridge, making sure i know who i am again
because this is similar to an end of life drama, a rebirth into
truth, i see all sorts of things from another perspective and
like the report card from a teacher, like the life review said
to occur when death takes the living on, out, off, in, over.
I see the lies and the facts and they are blurred, tested on
what i would do in certain situations and what i would not
knowing for the last time that i would have to change and
take an about face, face myself, not one last pint and a
packet of crisps and a cigarette, smells i smelled were
not really there, things i saw, visions of the past or the
future I can't tell, I may never know the fugue state
again, I wish to put it behind me and further my
more recent attempts to live clean and free
I question the things I saw as a youngster
what some might call psychic visions or
more reliably incredible sights only to
be known when touched and felt so
again i don't know what the truth
is there, fading over time this
smirking evil, my shadow?
Balancing out the real me
areas of myself as yet
denied, deep parts
we all fear and
say don't even
exist because
we're human
now not an
animal but
we are an
animal
too
.
That was then and this is now, since 2012 revelations came thick and fast, the truth should be uncovered world wide, spiritual folk say we're heading into a higher dimension, the fourth, the fifth from the third and if you decide not to be involved you'll be left behind, sounds and always sounded like a rubbish deal for others, that's why, when I was offered, when i was heading to a portal in the sky, a whirlpool, a plughole up there, my navel held me back, my body could not go, only the other part, the energy, spirit, soul, whatever you wish to name it, I said no, I'd rather go with friends when they are ready, perhaps that was a bad choice, would I have died there and then to make it possible, I don't think so, my body likes breathing and sleeping too much, all this new age stuff, reiki, faith healing, spirits, ghosts I've met, coming back to all the time I've seen things, now untrusted as if they were just hallucinations, did I see what I thought i saw in those days?

At the top of the hill near mine, my friend and I at different times saw the same thing, like a deer, coming towards us, but at the last minute, disappearing, because it was really a ghost, the fellow seen in the woods, in period clothing in the orchard, the communication received by a friend, who spoke for this person then, told me what their name was, that they were here to watch over me, in protection, now going onwards.

The point is, are those of us who are sensitive and have always been, coming back to themselves, coming to realise how much they tried to numb themselves rather than opening to their sensitivity, learning to cope with taking in more information, feeling more, sensing more, with the energies of others, carrying things that aren't our own, aches and pains, emotions, told that last night, I carry others' ails, I've wondered as much before.

So are those of us, eating well, feeling like we ought to not take part in the wholesale destruction of the planet, wishing to learn more about what we put inside our bodies, heal from years of mistreatment of them, those on the narrow path, is it straight, told i'm on the right path, keep going, find time to be alone and open, told we need to ask for help for it to be received, worries inside that it's a shell game, someones idea of fun.

What do spiritual people do in the face of years, millennia even of confusion, were our ancestors cannibals, were they animistic, is shamanism a good thing, are the spirits good, are they our ancestors in spirit and what will come of this planet, i seek the basis of all of these questions, i have to go back, within though and hope it is for a good reason, for others first and me, that I can progress along this path and decide and do good.

Even when it comes to food, they ate flesh, hunted it, were a part of nature, helped natural selection onwards so that the weak and old were consumed to keep the population strong and healthy, knowing the herbs to eat, the plants to harvest, how to process them, to gain nourishment at any time of the year, our dreams fed by these living sources of energy, who had lead a good life, a natural lifecycle, so that our dreams ended well.

I need to live this lesson, get the answers for myself, face the fact that most will only eat something from a box, won't touch the lovingly foraged things I spend my time collecting carefully, I've been too extreme for them to trust me, my experiences, have taught me much about fear, the real and the imagined, and it's up to me now that I've removed all sorts of influences from my mind, my body being my mind, my energy too.

Going from being a lazy good for nothing so and so, to sewing the seeds of a future I can be proud of, spending all my time stoned out of my mind and off at some party leaking money like it's going out of fashion to having money in the back, savings, no tobacco, no cannabis, no junk food, no factory farmed products, ok a few exceptions, a few slips, starting out black and white and turning grey, letting a few things slide.

Having to be harder on myself because I saw the impact on others, that woke me up more than anything, I can do whatever i like to me, but once its affecting others, that's not on, now that I see how much and when, looking back to go over the ways I ignored things happening around me, from this viewpoint that wasn't true, last years it was like being bugged at home, by who knows what, from where, spirits, investigators, close by.

Like being interrorgated (and I wont change it), I hold to the idea that if I can heal this in me, and believe it, I've seen it in others, they've been through worse than I, I stayed out of the system, they've been locked up, sectioned, worse, some aren't here any longer, I contend that if I can heal from this, in the way that others have, I'll be in a place capable of being an example, facing challenges harder than any i've met so far yes.

But if what I've been told is true and I can hang in there, with all that is going on around me and in the world, I should be able to help others, I'm doing a little more, filling my time with healthy options, activities, off out in a while for a rare chance to spend some time being entertained, socialising, that's good too I guess, it's been strange to find myself getting better at some things, naturally just chatting, involving myself more with people.