coincidences, coincidunces, serendipity,

things i watch seem to inform my situation, some may say im projecting onto it, but a series I've been watching called mr robot is about a situation very similar to mine, only to me, I've got an extra in my life, in the series, the main character has a friend in his life who isn't there, isnt visible to others, is his father, kind of, it's what his father might have been if he were still alive, mine began when i got back from Spain in 09, i learned about magic mushrooms, psilocybe species, semancilata in particular, the kind that grow in fields, where nothing poisonous grows, nothing that looks anything like these little brown mushrooms, or lbm's.

So i'm anal about details, particular when it comes to picking blackberries and raspberries even, let alone something that can have a magical and mystical effect on your conciousness, i throw away the ones that look like theyve been affected by rot, or don't look as palatable as i deem fit, raspberries for instance, feed the animal life around and save the mice and voles and shrews from clambering up the canes to get at them.

Self setting, seeding the area with new canes for the next year, this way I'm not being greedy, everyone gets some, as for mushrooms, i had little going on in my life at the time, i had gotten back from my first solo trip, i was drawn to resources online to learn about such things, i had started over by changing my phone number and mentally ditching my old friends for reasons i never made clear to them, booze, drugs, things i found unacceptable, lying about drug use for one, the behaviour of another towards me and others, the rest got lumped into the pile of people i used to hang around with in the pub, don't get me wrong, i lost my inhibitions with these people, we laughed a lot, we shared a lot of good times, i blacked out a lot though, after too much drink and there were consequences that just could not go on, i haven't crashed a car since then for such reasons as having drunk and driven, for which i'm so glad no-one was ever injured or hurt worse.

Anyways, so mostly on my own then, I learned about lbm's, found which twenty or so types were not the right ones, in the habitat i mentioned before, where nothing deadly grows, or looks just like the magic ones I was after, it became to me like lighting fire by hand, making fire by yourself, a skill to see a field and know where to go, use your instincts, have them developed by being there, seeing the little midges, the mushroom gnats fly up from the grass, know the time of day when the dew was drying and the mushrooms too into the beautiful golden shade they shine at you, finding that walking with the sun to your back helps even more.

I took to taking them on the full moon, to receive the benefit of the extra energy available, to be able to wander around at night, to see what i'm doing, to be in nature alone apart from other animals, knowing most folks are safely tucked away indoors on full moonlit nights, challenging myself to become completely calm and actually adoring the silence except for the odd fox, who on one occasion barked at me right close up and ran off, but it was all an experience of fearing the unknown, the dark, the woods and fields alone, at night, becoming completely adjusted and happy in circumstances that hold nothing to fear except fear.

I've written about this before, but over the months I worked out ways to make my trips stronger, i won't go into details, it's not something to do without the right setting, and setup, and i chose to do this alone, some might say crazy, some brave, some stupid, some would see the need to face your own self and fears.

As the months went on, showering before, fresh clothes, treating this as a ritual, as a ceremony more-like, as a natural church service, i made a prayer up in my mind and said it to the mushrooms, please keep me safe, show me something that I need to see, i thank you for the wisdom that you are imparting to me.

I began to ask questions, as i had heard you could go into this with a question in mind, i saw visions also.

I saw figures writhing over each other, one time in the dark in my caravan, as though it were a hellish scene, souls together in a pit, all the cliched things you might expect, and in some ways aren't these expected?

Haven't we gotten to the point where we filter things based on what we expect to see and head, and taste ad touch and smell?  Don't we lose our ability to sense more because we have closed down to it all over time?

I also saw what I deemed to be heaven, ok it was a building, with coloured lights of every shade, coming out from the windows, and the feeling was that it was a club, one that at the time I wasn't allowed to enter into.

I became very creative, more than i have ever been in my life, painting freehand when I've always copied, i've drawn not painted because colouring things in always ruined my attempts at art, i don't doodle well, I don't draw particularly good compared to so many people i know whose works I have seen, very childlike.

So the works of art i created at that time, right after what i would call a psychosis, a break from reality.

I depicted a tree, to me it was the world tree, the base was red, to orange, to yellow, souls flitting up from a great fire at the base which was the trunk, rising up into the branches which were a maelstrom of colour, swirling together this was an ocean of conciousness, the branches all deep blues, and this is my greatest expression ever, apart from another painting which was of the local landscape depicted by a friend and which has an archway, three figures that look like trees, approaching this archway, doorway, also freehand paint.

So i asked after a few months of asking what my next step was, I got the answers to my questions, and in some way, i already knew the answer, i knew the next step was to stop doing things i was doing, so i knew, i asked the moon, who had become my friend, who conversed with me in my head, you're me aren't you?

The moon, grumbled and seemed reluctant to answer, but in the end, the reply came back, well, yes, I am.

At other times, during the day, with a friend there, we laughed, played our favourite music, brought ourselves back to reality, back down gently using cannabis, but over the years i believe i had used it too much, the strength of it these days, the levels of the natural plant are gone unless you know where to get it from.

CBD, the cannabidols, the parts of the plant that are good for MS sufferers, the anti psychotic, they are the medicine, i also believed and hold to the fact that my mood was never as level, my winter depressions gone as when i had taken mushrooms, for months afterwards i would wake with a good mood to start the day.

THC gets you high, and maybe this whole period since i quit for the last time, is the low i was putting off.


Eating it, dietary use of both, cannabis, and mushrooms in small doses i believe is even greater medicine.

That way the psychoactive ingredients are much lower in terms of the experience of your waking state, the medicinal qualities come through much better, who knows who i would have been had i not started using cannabis in the first place, if i'd had the courage to join a meditation group when i was sixteen instead of wimping out because i was too shy to introduce myself to new people, to some extent cannabis helped me i am sure, get over that, anxiety about new experiences, numbed to those things that held me back but getting to the point of being addicted, a druggy, a drug addict, i know i was because of the things I did when i needed it, and what i was capable of doing when i was on it that i now regret since i have been clean again.

So in some ways it feels like getting back to who i was before all that, haven't taken mushrooms either, the season last year seemed to pass me by, my sites locally were dry, the year wasn't right for them and i had no desire to travel further afield to get any, i may go hunting again one day as t is a natural high to be out there, hill walking, enjoying nature, being a guerilla, a rebel, someone who knows these things are good for us.

I need a level within, to keep on healing, stopped smoking tobacco too, feeling old parts of the brain heal, feeling others that have been affected by another episode of psychosis, another break this year, this spring, I thought i was doctor who, saving the multiverse, grandiose i know, but i see him as a shaman, all such characters from our past, i see as connected to nature and the environment in a way we have lost.

The god and devil of the bible, i will have to face again, because i still have that voice, the moon, me, whoever, whatever it is, the spirit of nature, a little devil, a little bit of god, at times i feel cursed and under the cosh, at times i feel as though i am being dared to finally love myself, sometimes answers come, sometimes blank, nothingness, no reply, is it an angel, a bhudda, a guide, a spirit helper, i trained as a medium for a while, i am psychic and often finish peoples sentences for them, or maybe i'm just an interupter, i know i'm a sinner, have sinned, have broken commandments, have done things churches might not approve of, i cherish the story of the demon king, who had murdered many souls, who aproached bhudda for training and who was stoned by those who survived his years of bad behaviour, he didn't react, he didn't attack, he did achieve enlightenment because he changed his ways, if a sinner can become a righteous individual then maybe i can too, maybe there are two sides to a coin, heaven and hell, even here, there are both alternatives.

I don't know, i may be even further from knowing because i have experienced so much, seen so many differences between what we are told, what i've read, the different traditions, choosing one is hard.

I heard from many friends, they were all in my head, telling me different ways to go about my life this year, some were lovers, one i wed, made vows with, met their family, prepared to spend my life with, i wandered, i saw and heard explosions, on the horizon, a power line come down in front of me, dealt with tiny figures, hidden, invisible wizards, some were friends turned evil come to harm me, hunt me down, i didn't react, demons from hell, angels from heaven, the other way around, i was taunted, and revered and helped, and every which way, i was given instructions on where to go, where to get to, who to save, how to do so, i didn't eat much because i had this manic energy, inside, i felt i didn't even need to breathe at times, as though i was become immortal, and i found evidence online, that two women were going to kill me, that i loved.

So if i'm not around, im protecting you, from me, from my fantasy, from everything i thought i might be.

If I am around it's because that's all becoming forgotten as i clean up my act, act instead of thinking, overthinking, drinking over, stinking over now i can smell myself, my sweat, my deeds, my past.

I can see why ex addicts kill themselves, those trying to be clean and sober who were drunks, facing this is difficult, knowing that you will never again be able to hide from what you did, and yet, knowing that you will never do those things again, gradually becoming a better person, falling a little bit, maybe hurting, flirting with danger once more, or twice here and there, thoughts arise, shall i just buy cigarettes, tobacco, fuck it all.

Is this actually as the bhuddists say, or this book i'm reading, is this actually samsara, a place where we have fallen a la the bible, fallen as a species, man and woman, to a place where we are human not gods anymore.

Where if we can eat from the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil, if we can learn about good and evil and make a choice, we shall be as them, once more we could climb back up from this underworld, to a higher life, spirituality.  The shamanic worldview of three worlds, an upper, lower and middle realm suggests that the lower realm looks like eden but is purposely there for lessons to be learnt from teachers,  like this?

We are ghosts here, everyone around me might aswell be fake and i'm the only real one, at one point, i knew that this was all here to try to give me a chance to do the right thing, a simulation that has been going for so long that needs to end, the fish stopped dead still as though time was halted for a moment, the dog did too.

My involvement is required, I need to wake up, do the right thing, learn the lessons, achieve greatness.

I walked the countryside telling the truth of creation to three women, in my mind they were walking with me.

Three graces, three women i know, all of whom have been kind to me and i threw it back in their faces.

One held me for a time which is what i need right there and then and she's beautiful and i thank her.
One I hurt without trying and i may never understand what i did wrong and then i had a crush on her.
One I had feelings for that i shouldn't have and i'm just glad that she's happy because I asked this of her.

As the knowledge of the truth of how this all came about, the ocean of conciousness, the beginnings of it all, as it faded from my mind and this whole period of madness combined, the things i've lost, the capability to read coherently things like offers for life insurance, i need a simple life, has this all atrophied or is it because i've let others do so much of the complicated things for me, but i just feel like i need to live in a shed in woods somewhere, just basically eat wild food and water, whatever i can find that is as pure as possible, once i've paid off the money i feel i owe for the times i've been like this and unable to work, i can quit.

But I come back to knowing, and feeling as though i haven't been a good human, a social animal, i don't miss people, get in touch, i don't feel like socialising with them, i don't feel like contacting them, seeing them, talking to them, speaking about such normal things as the weather, something is moving in me, though i know it is hurting, I'm seeing all the more clearly all the things that were hidden when i was always stoned and i don't like myself much, i've got the somehow be of service, that voice said so after chanting the maha mantra, if it was mother god, grandmother spirit, a demon, kali being nice, who knows, i write something, don't write that i get in my head. When i did things that go against what i was hearing, what i was feeling, thinking, when i did that in the past, it put peoples backs up, it hurt those i would dearly have loved to love, and i feel that was a good thing, because i should never have even imagined getting close to those i felt close to, the things i've done bring too much shame to bear, to think about sharing, to unburden myself to others, so i live with them, blaze as i was before about them, as i lay in the woods, i felt and heard the creatures coming, the spirits of those animals i've eaten, killed, hurt in any way, to drag me down to the underworld to be healed, reviled, scratched, torn apart, whatever it was they had planned, i seemed to rise up instead, and slowly over time have my spirit come back to my body, even though i laid in a pine bed, in a pine room, in a house.

Nature calls me to be a part of her, to find ways to help others, to live in harmony, in a damaged world.

The environment brings out from our genes certain characteristics, the children of people who eat factory food, processed products, they don't have the bodies of anything but robots in the making and their kids are even worse off, the fact that anyone think there is something wrong with breast feeding or fat on women, i see the attitudes within me that make me baulk at a woman who has put on weight, who isn't slim, who has aged and i know i would be a terrible partner, but do others think these thoughts but not say them out loud?

I am seeing a shadow that in my most loved post that i've ever written, part poetic license, part vision, came out from within me, and then crept back in, i am seeing a side of me i don't like and hope to accept then heal.

I am having conversations that bring forth the memories of trips on lsd that made me suffer, greatly, because when you fight the journey, the destination can still be a long way off, but i always went to love, i found it further off lately, since i haven't loved anyone in such a long time, if at all, so it's coming back, for those who choose to trip, when the waters get choppy, think of love, loving someone, something, yourself, love it all.