Without You

Without you I wouldn't be here,
without you I don't know where,
without you I hesitate to think,
without you I hasten to add.
There'd be no happy days,
Not for a very long time.
Without you I won't know,
Without you I daren't guess.
Without you I haven't a clue,
Without you I would be lost.

You made me and I realise,
that I took that for granted.
Took you and him and us,
left thinking about today.
So many things are clear,
now illusions disappeared.
Going back to square one,
Finding the pieces mishapen.

I wandered far and wide,
came back and took stock.
As for my travels they were,
here, there and everywhere...

For all the reality I feel now,
I wonder where I was and why.
It feels as though I would prefer,
to go back to wherever it was....

As much as my fears drive me,
on, back, on, back, seeing things
in a new light not always a good one
the shadows are lighter now and clearer.

I doubt the way things are going,
got to transport myself back again.
To a place where I can reside again,
without all the angst and fear so do I?

Just insert myself into the mainstream,
plant myself in a little piece of earthy soil.
water and feed that area and hope it blooms,
Avoid the outside influences and information...

I keep wanting to know the answer,
but surely I can't ask the question.
Because I fear the answer more,
I search and have found stuff.

I don't agree with what I keep telling myself.

The people I talk to suggest it can take a while.

I don't like the way the world is going and I'm left with a few alternatives...

Either this whole place is a playground for ideas, for the universe to experience itself, but then surely if this isn't ultimately 'real' then all of the nasty, bad, downright evil things that have gone on are just differences in perspective, two sides of the same coin, a dichotomy between unity, resulting in opposites like male / female dark / light...

If that's the case then it becomes a sick joke the whole thing, we're supposed to be some kind of energetic being trapped within a pretend life time until we escape birth and death, somehow the new age world suggests we're somehow evolving into a new stage of life, a new way, we're really some part of a greater whole, we're really just here to experience things that ultimately we will or have already transcended.

If that's the case then surely it makes us all apologists for the holocaust, for world wars, for famine, and that makes us pretty nasty pieces of work, cos to say that all the bad happens for a good reason, to say like some of the new ageists that to wake up from this dream, this co-created reality we need to do it on our own or have ourselves forcefully woken up by events, sounds so harsh on all the people suffering pain.

If this is some kind of dream world,created by our own expectations then surely it should't be as dreadful as it is in so many ways, and look around, it's getter worse by the day, madder, less sensible, more extreme, less moral, less kind.  It gets better in places where people are realising sustainability, a more natural way of living is key, connection to nature and the natural intelligence therein, both things are happening at once.

New ways of choosing a partner through genetic testing, and technology will continue to create new moral challenges and temptations and a way for the haves and have nots to get further apart as we don't seem to be making any effort to actually solve the problems of the world, they are just getting worse.

Greed is getting greedier, and it's openly out there, we all know how bad it had gotten already, or do we?

Will we keep having new truths shock us out of complacency?

I hope so, I want the truth, THE TRUTH, the inescapable underlying truth of everything to come out.

We need to know so that we can make the right choices, for our children's sake, for their children's sake.

What will the world be like in a few years if the current trends all carry on?

I don't know and I'm not sure I want to, makes me all the more sure I want to get away, go somewhere natural, work hard to grow things, make things, not buy things unless I need them not want them.

I'm on edge, on the edge of reason, looking again at so many things with fresh eyes and wishing not to in lots of cases.

Just as guilty, I go around the shops, finding it hard to see why we need this or that, seems like we're buying for the sake of it, and even if we need it aren't we just using up stuff that will never be reused or will have to be replaced and just going through motions preprogrammed and yet I see the choice of cereal and I want the one with chocolate bits in not the healthy option.

We're all in this together and yet I know that it's so hard, cos we've got this mob mentality, set on a course that isn't going anywhere good, I hope we can avoid the potholes and will we find out what we're doing here?

Why are we here?

What are we?

I've learnt so much about those questions and starting to wish I hadn't now, finding that doubting everything makes it hard to work out what is good and what is bad, am I good am I bad?

I've done bad things, and good things, I know I won't succomb to old temptations, I'm not that person anymore, living a truly moral life is hard though, 'here have some money for doing nothing' that doesn't sit well with me, although I am a lazy person in many ways.

Caught in the web with the spider slowly approaching, wasting a good morning now it's raining again.

Off for a walk anyway sod it, I'll wear a hat or just get wet to be in nature, she always sooths my mind.

I thought I was a good guy, but I've been quite selfish, although from my point of view that was me finally living my life and getting somewhere towards making my own way in the world, I thought I was facing challenges that gave me opportunities to have fun and help people at the same time and that was true.

I have to be careful not to get overexcited and just try to step back, see what happens.

Feeling much calmer about things that were causing me anxiety, still having trouble getting to sleep at night but finding solutions, so easy to put cream in the cereal and put on weight, not working as hard physically, I'll get fat quickly, put on a stone and a half, 'you look really well'  I feel overweight and my trousers are tight but hey, so let's go walk off something, hear the birds, find the beauty, wait for fate to intervene.

Will the Olympics go well and no problems?

I hope so, I really do, and yet in some ways I think do I only care because my parents are working there?

No, my empathy is real, I've felt it and not just as a way for me to access my own emotions,

I'm working on that too, so many options, so little time, so little work, this summer has made a mockery of gardening, grass cutting, it's so long and so wet, and yet I'm starting to free my mind, I'm starting to believe again, I'm starting to feel as though miracles are possible again, it feels as though everything is on a knife edge.

Will we survive and thrive in a good way or just go down the route of the god of technology and eventually just kill off the planet or end up with tiny pockets of biodiversity or just turn into robots who don't care?

It's all so interesting in a scary assed way, I can see the future from where we stand and it's a Golden age of Shit Storms all at once...

What will it be?

Que sera sera,  I hope I'm not here for too long if it's the Shit storms but do I deserve to enter the Golden age?

Probably not, do any of us?

Light &
Love
Jon
x