I used to never like disturbing someone who was still sleeping, now I just wanna shake them awake even if they hate me for it (not people actually literally asleep or awake cos that's just rude, I've done my best not to be) and it seems like that can be the case at least for a short while. I made my most recent ex boss so angry with me that he never wants to see me again, but I hope that afterwards he realised how long it had been since he had felt anything at all or seen anyone else for who they truly are instead of his view or opinion. I challenged you and stood up to you and you didn't like it up ya did ya fuzzywuzzy? (We have a lot of Jones'es in our family on both sides and rather than being a little late coming to attention, I'm usually early). Your poor child-like ego couldn't stand the fact that I was honest in my dealings with your staff members and highlighted just how closed off and dishonest you are and how deluded about their state of mind, because you don't actually know any of them. When you calmed down and noticed what effect my present gave you, I would like to think that in the future you may have a change of heart where I'm concerned. I never wanted things to end that way but I really don't like goodbyes and I'm probably misquoting here "Professionally Jon is a very hard worker, but personally I never want to see him again". That's a very strong reaction, from what I was told, it sounded to me like the tantrum of a toddler in overeaction to text messages sent between us on my scheduled last day. Those are very stressful times for me and I avoid them if I can because I get so emotional. I put my heart and soul into everything I do and often find endings dreadfull, whereas beginnings are always so full of wonder. They were chock full of anxiety and fear too but I've always been able to do things that make me afraid when I had to. Leave one school for another, leave school for college, leave college for work, meet up with the first person I ever flirted outrageously with (luckily for me without realising it up until someone pointed it out) all these things terrified me to the core and yet as far as I was concerned, the next steps down a road I thought I was meant for. So I did them no matter how much I panicked inside, I just got on with it. The strength I found within wasn't a concious process, it was easy to run from something I loved to something I hated. In fact the unknown doesn't scare me, it's the things that are expected that do.I've never felt more or less like Forrest Gump than ever before at the same time. In fact I've been called Forrest Walker, Jonny Gump, Jonny run-home because that is how I would deal with the things that scared me half to death when what I was experiencing was so very close to that end point in life. I have known and travelled far and wide with death ever since I was born but I keep that friend as with all my others very close and my old enemies such as life even closer but still occasionally at arms length, mainly cos I'm never sure if they can handle the pain in the neck that I think I am or thought I was or still am from time to time, I really didn't know who I was or felt like I was actually worth knowing. I used to piss myself off much more than anyone else could or you can imagine, but then I've spent more time with me than with anyone else so that makes total sense. I'm quite a good impressionist because I didn't want to be me, whenever I was, somebody would make me feel bad. So I got into a pattern, an old habit that dies hard, of going away from everyone and everything so that I could be myself and coming back to be who I thought you wanted or needed me to be. That didn't make me very happy. Understatement. I'm really just a dumbass who loves mowing lawns and could do that for the rest of my life every summer, but my I.Q. is roughly twice forrests which is actually one of the hardest things to come to terms with because it hasn't gotten me anywhere good, fast. Smart people are often miserable as they either have to hide their light under a bushell because no-one likes a wise ass or a clever dick, or find other wiseguys and gals to hang out with, but if you've met me in person I would never want you to feel bad because I'm brighter than you, or dumb myself down in any way shape or form, I don't do that. I am whatever is appropriate to the situation as far as I can manage that and it isn't about not being who I am. I'm actually a very good actor, or liar if you prefer and I can make believe almost anything and often do if it suits me and more importantly you, with the deepest respect, good manners and intentions.
My birth chart describes me this way... 'You are a mind-reader, and as such you often feel you know what another person will say before it is said. Whilst this is often the case, problems can arise because of a tendency to adjust what you say to conform to the other person's supposed expectations, and to hide thoughts and ideas which you think will not be received well. If this habit goes on for too long, you may find that you start living in another world - isolated and misunderstood. Effort must be made to improve communication and to say what is really on your mind.' Uh I hope I haven't overdone it ;)
It goes on to say 'You tend to take on the vibrations of others just as a chameleon changes colour, so it is important to be discriminative as regards who you are with, and what you do. As you mature, you learn to be watchful of your own moods, as they change with the least stimulus. By cultivating an emotionally positive attitude, you can avoid the negative energy states that made you feel helpless in the face of adversity when you were young.' If I couldn't help myself, I'd make up a reason why it wasn't me that I was being strong for, it was someone, anyone else who would be my cause.
and on to say 'You will have had a very stimulating upbringing which enhanced your natural curiosity. Your constant desire to learn, expand your mental horizons and create contact with people inclines you to a job in which contact, communication, teaching, travel and a social network are important. You have natural secretarial abilities and may be bilingual. Your early education will be extremely important to you, and you are liable to make good progress. You thrive in school and with friends, and an interest in education will play a role in your later professional life. You are extremely sensitive to how your ideas are received, and you will succeed professionally when you use your latent talent for getting a message across. You are a lover - and spreader - of information, and buzzing with ideas.' Well I'm certainly trylingual in that I desire to learn any language that I come into contact with, or at least a few words, cos it's another puzzle for me to try to solve... Secretarial skills? Oh yes, ask my friends from Cosmo last year ;) I was excellent at butlering to their every need, I'm a great number two (or a little shit whichever way you look at it). Mmmmmm and 'I'm a lover - and spreader - ' I like that sextion ;)
I don't know anything about so many things that I should do and lots of useless crap about things that don't matter. I was always a little jealous of you for living life whereas what I did was make excuses not to or try to think my way out of situations that you seem to deal with quite naturally because you feel good about being you or make it look that way. I wanted to learn how to live and love and just cried myself to sleep a lot and wet the bed until I was ahem (mum don't tell them I'd die of embarrassment but it wasn't past primary school as I recall). I got bullied and bullied and have gone round or sought out and apologised to anyone I hurt and forgiven anyone who hurt me. It's been swings and roundabouts but felt much more like being on a see-saw when you and your mate are trying to break each others necks or send one or tother into orbit.
So er yes I'm being me more, most of the time and it's causing ructions within my own life and without yours, whilst I tone it down and lose some old habits or learn lessons the hard way but in a lot less time. Trying to find a balance between uncompromisingly acting out my own role rather than portaying someone elses scripted part for me. It's tough and I hope I can work on the screenplay a bit more before it's released, letting it organically turn itself into something worth watching if not taking on tour out on the world stage for all to see, or to whoever feels like a free ticket. I'm not special needs but I am a remedial work in progress. My feeling is that whilst I give idiots a bad name in many respects that it's all worthwhile if one other person sees something in me (and believe me there's a lot in here, whole worlds created so that I didn't have to take part in the real one) that makes them feel better about themselves for a second, it'll have been worth it.
I'm certainly not big and I'm not clever, emotional intelligence is far more important than being able to do sums and actually I'm crap at maths, you always seem to like to remind me of that because it makes you feel better about how fucking smart I am, whatever lets you sleep at night. If I wasn't good at something I avoided it or found my own little shortcuts, hints, tips, tricks or I steal them from others if I have to. The truth is we're all good at different things. I'm not a genius, I'm not even that brainy, I just got lucky to live in an environment that taught me much more without trying. I lived in the woods (ok in a cottage on the edge of 'em but as soon as I could I got as far out into those fields and trees as I could) and let my imagination run wild, at times I did too. I shouted at the world and screamed out all my pain and that is how I grew internally into such a wise cracking asshole. I coped with your discomfort around me by making witty remarks and that allowed me to cope with my discomfort around you by leaving you with a one liner and getting the fuck outta there as soon as I could. Out of the conversation that I didn't see the point of (this is going nowhere and you're just filling my head with useless details about your life that I don't want to hear), out of the room and if I could help it out into the countryside because all you want to do is talk about the cunting weather when I can just go and feel the rain, sun, snow, hail and pissing wind on my skin whenever I like, why would I want to talk about it?
Picasso said that good artists create but great artists steal. I've been thieving off everyone else my entire life cos I didn't think I had anything of value of my own...
You see I love everyone and everything that I've ever come into contact with but I was too scared to admit that until recently. I've never had a bad experience that I can't now put into context as having been for a good reason. I learn't something every time. On my ass is a bumper sticker saying 'shit happens'...
And that is all I have to say about that.
One day I just stopped runnnnninnnnng...
Light &
Love
Jon
x
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