So Fucking Miserab-Les

So concious of waste, so concious of rampant consumerism around me, the unconcious decisions that allow someone to just go out and buy shit they dont need, to talk themselves into their next purchase, 'oh whatever excuse will allow me to go buy some new shit to replace old shit that there's nothing wrong with or maybe I just don't like any more'...

So fucking miserable right now generally, lows lower highs higher, lows lows lows....

My stomach pains me constantly, stress and depression feed it's pain and it's pain feeds depression.

Let's get pizza for tea, ok my stomach says no, my attempts to be good and eat boring healthy food, ignored, scattered over with talk of if we order enough they'll deliver...  All this empty talk, if you got more exercise and ate healthily instead of starving yourself in public and private and then eating lots of crap when no-one is looking and getting a gym membership.  I'm ranting and raving and I don't want to hurt the people closest to me that are just living the life they think is right, or the one they would like to lead.

I don't, I wasn't on this course, I was eating healthily before I got all depressed, I had a positive attitude, a something good will always come along attitude and it did, I always walked into a job, I always found the right thing to do next.  As it is I'm being slowly dragged back to that whilst my temptations are to eat junk, ice creams in the freezer, chocolate bars in the cupboard, it's like I've got the muchies and no will power, and I'm not even smoking weed to make that make sense.

Can't get my ass out into the countryside to recharge my batteries, am just able to keep doing the things I have to as I always have.

This fucking mental retardation, this psychological back-step-wards, making me so fucking able to see my misery, so fucking clearly I am the person I used to be, only I am forcing myself to use the phone, forcing myself to do things, forcing the force within, without...

So fucking miserable, I feel I've lost so much, gained well...

Reality is what I've gained by the look of it.

The reality of mortality, when I know this whole place is an illusion.

So at the same time there is the knowing coming on, the enlightenment, the being inside, not sensing externally, reaching out from inside, two things, two extremes at once.

So overwhelmed by the gaudy shops and the lack of human contact required, so many idiots on the road out for themselves driving like cunts, so many selfish bastards and in the middle there's me trying to be good, getting sucked in, YES I'LL HAVE A FUCKING PIZZA, my guts are killing me again anyway, I won't have any cider as I don't even like drinking alcohol now, the anxiety doesn't like it.

I had a good weekend, did some illicit drugs, noticed how moreish they were and just how easily I wanted to grab more and do more and just get to where I'd like to be and feel by cheating.

I felt so amazingly connected to my body, to the feeling within of energy, of dancing, trancing, and being able to join in, until you drop, and give me twenty winks, two hours rest, a little more dancing.

So I feel lost, and so concious all the time that it's killing me, and my little cunt of a shadow inside keeps saying you're a sponge, you're not contributing anything, why don't you just kill yourself?

Not that I take that seriously, it feels so lonely to be so concious all the time, I feel so low, get home, go to sleep for three hours in the middle of the day to catch up because I can't get to sleep at night, wake up early with the birds and noisy animal things, don't have the energy to wear out in the day, so low, so tired of this place, this illusion, filled with such wastes of space and time, such temptations, such lows, and so few natural highs, everything costs something, emotionally, monetarily is the worst one.

So what do I do?

Well there's no way I#m gonna top meself, the way I see it my shadow is here and is fading back inside slowly, it just keeps rearing it's head when I haven't had any sleep, I know it well, it was the feeling of hunger inside for something that I've lost, my connection to spirit, to my spirit, to my strength,to my inner reality.

And it's so tempting to just self implode, self destruct.

And yet I went out last night and did something I've never done before, I went to a spiritualist church, got a healing too, which was really nice, I'm so numb, I don't see anything in my minds eye, so disconnected, this old me in the new me's place.

This is my chance to actually make a change, become individuated, set myself apart.

I kinda want to enter a monastery, good diet, lots of exercise, disciplined routine, I'm not smoking nicotine or weed no more, I've been good, am reading up on lots of things again, trying to understand this fucked up place, hold on, let go, hold out until december, if something doesnt happen between then and now I'm gonna be so pissed off it's untrue... ;)

I'm finding this whole process so similar but much more real than ever before to the things I've gone through.

It's like becoming a teenager again only this time without the crutches, no close friends as then, the resistance to keep putting this shit on the one I have, they've got their own shit, I'm so fucking selfish, but the pain is helping, it's making me make the right choices, learn the lessons...  The wind outside, I meditated, calmed my mind, calmed my thoughts, went deep inside.

I cried again last night, it was after the healling, I was sat there while my friend was receiving hers, and I grimaced, which turned to tears falling easily, and let out the pent up emotion, I haven't gone out into the woods and just screamed my head off, cos I feel so numb, not sure if there's any screams there to let out.


Using this pain, going deeper inside, got some good things going on, in a way I saw this coming, I said there were bigger challenges to face and the knowing of that scared me off, I dived out of the way of the oncoming storm, feeling so rank, so wank, no libido, just no interest in anything except learning more about ways to realise the true reality, change it, draw forth the things I would like to do, to be, change, stop moaning.

Come to terms, went back to childhood, saw myself for who I really was, am, will be.

This is shit, it really is, and the more I go on about it the more I feel like I'm creating it.

So here goes...

From today, I will keep having the attitude that everything happens for a reason.

That everything I want or need will come into my life, just ask is it right for me?

Then let the process unfold, take the steps I should take, keep trying, offering.

Keep looking, reading, learning, stop looking back, stop yearning for the old.

Those days are gone, not jealous of others' living their lives, go for it people.

I know this is for a good reason, I have to put it into context for it to work.

I have to write my own story, work out a happy ending, live both plots.

The one where I get to massage and garden, work hard in the days.

Take away pain in the evenings, not care about being a lazy cunt.

I have to keep going inside, I must know the truth, feel it be it.

There is a level of understanding called the felt prescence of direct experience...

I saw and am starting to see the truth externally, in this crazy world.

Where everything is going downhill and mental and yet sane too.

It's all going to the dogs, the cats and the mice, in whose best laid plans we surely figure slightly...

This is all written on the fly cos I just don't have the time, won't give the time to thinking anymore.

I can't do anything but be severely in the moment these days, if I find myself projecting into the future I kick my ass and stop the mind movies from playing, I try not to go over and over the past or things he said or I said, although it's almost impossible not to spend a little time echoing the recently enjoyable when the current moment can be so fucking miserable.

So gotta keep on accepting the present I've given myself...

I know it's for the best, I am slowly doing the hardest work of my life.

My instincts are coming back, I said fuck you and pushed my luck last night.

Which lead to me greedily going after a dirty burger, my shadow was hungry for grease and bun, I knew it was a mistake, I used the excuse of using main roads rather than country lanes because of the weather, which lead to me going into stroud to see if mcdonalds was open, which it wasn't but to find that out I sped through town and got flashed by a speed camera, so that's a few quid down the drain, as usual stupid thinking, stupid knowing, not going with what I knew, what I felt, so I end up being a twat and getting more reasons to have no money left, this is so difficult, life was so easy before, never felt this tricky, every second.

The last few months don't even have a proper record, my memoies are shot,  no order, no time frame, the experience seems muddled, seems rough shod, seems out of context, seems queezy, my poor stomach...

There have been times in the past, when I would find an event coming up, in the social calendar, the point to point, badminton horse trials, anything that holds or held a strong historical link to my past, I would feel that age again, I would seem to look that age, get the spots, the nerves before, the loose bowels, go back in time, get all nervous despite my progress, I regress, I regret...  This is the last time I can do any of that I think, I am therefore I think, that I should not do that anymore...

This time I have to push on, be, do, don't pretend, don't scew? Scue? Sque? Squew? Skew... ah thanks sis.  I haven't written, haven't used my mind like this for a while, although I have been writing a lot lately, just venting this shit... I've stopped telling others what I'm feeling, cos I don't want to depress them or myself any further.

I want to experience it at the time, work with it not against it, don't want a victim mentality to emerge, don't want to label what I feel or experience, just want to use it as ammo, immunition, to gain immunity from my past, vaccinate myself, get back the faith in me, the faith in my connection to nature, to spirit, to whatever you want to call the great other...  I was on a roll, my hearing was healed, it was my perspective that made me assume things go wrong as you get older, the body ages yes and I was on the way to knowing, being an ageless human, not an aging human being...  I was on the way whether it was just in my mind or not.  The energy of the universe, the cosmos, I need to find my way back to that, and I was getting there safely up until a point.  A singularity, hilarity, the sense of humour of the cosmic giggle, stop laughing at me, laughing with me, I didn't take myself too seriously, this is hard, it's supposed to be, nothing worthwhile is easy...

Fucking typical, I will survive this period.

Energy, whatever you want to call it.

I had it, I was it, I felt it, could give it, share it, live it, love it.

Slowly ever so, I was cautious as I felt in a way that to connect was to energise the negativity, the ways in which the attitudes of those around me have always fed me, always lead me, always I was that which I was with, now I'm striving to be alone, and yet connected... Alone at last, able to go my own way, I did say I would go to hell and back if it meant bringing some people, some other lost souls with me.  What a mistake to make, I'm not going anywhere but upwards from now on though, as much as the dark days are apparent, I know I'm facing the right direction, it's just slow going, just so fucking tempting to turn around and dive back down, I felt the love, got someone, some people willing to show me, give me a chance, they aren't that bad.  Still have thoughts of they want to kill me, they want to hurt me, totally improper, totally imagination, sick fascination, no reality to it just my own vivid and sick imagination, my own way of making me doubt, because my trust has been misplaced in the past, I've been let down, I learnt not to trust...

Gotta keep on discerning, learning, earning, yearning, I am so tired, need some sleep, exercise, sleep.

When's that pizza here?  And what about pudding?  I've put on some weight.

I'm going to do some magical things when I get back from this shithole.

Light &
Love
Jon
x