From Love to Peace to Joy

I lived outside in a tent one year until it got too cold outside. My boss once had to wake me by tugging on my big toe one day after a particularly late night on the John Smiths I believe ;)

After that, was other tents, then a mini marquee, then I got the caravan and stretched it out to when it got really cold and then stayed out there this winter. I had created a canopy / divider to keep the heat next to the bed, got a heater, fixed the broken window after rain started coming in, put in steps outside, got thermal underwear, a sleep pod for comfily contained but casual bedding, slept out there all winter. Cos I don't, didn't live outside just sleep there really. Although the more home comforts you have the longer the time you can spend there. I got quite used to cooking outside and I'm sure I will again this year. First Barbequeue was the other weekend over wood embers and in smoke.

I often got bored and switched off when it came to the t.v. Each year there would be a period where I would decide that I didn't want certain things and even people in my life. Then I would get caught back up by those diverting entertainments on the box. I made up my mind not to startwatching anything new, then watched the end of several of my favourite series, then I just stopped watching when it got to the point that I had an X-box I was given plugged in and no room for a digi box. And I haven't looked back. I've seen from about a few seconds to a program or two at times when I'm with someone at home or at someone elses's house. But that's it.

I loved Sherlock though ;) <3 I saw that on I-Player, does that count as television?

All I can do is take my medecine. Even though I haven't got any of my natural foraged variety, I've seen that to be left without all your outside help, you find that you have to work with what you've got already. Slowly ever so slowly, and then boom suddenly as much as I was propelled downwards by my own fears, then I find the strength to live again and not feel so powerless.

Breathing slow and deep. Early to bed, calm meditations, on rising, feel that love within, resonating from my heart, where it was all along only my head kept telling me what a dick I was. I let my spiritual routine health check take a back seat so that I could experience what it felt like to belong again. It was awesome. Now I know I have good friends that I can count on so I was slow as usual to ask for help but got loads when I did finally, or they stepped in to ask when i was fragile enough to answer. I had to forgive myself and be hard enough to accept where I went wrong but as usual I went too far a little maybe. I find it easier to resolve a problem by getting to the root and tugging furiously whilst sweating buckets and swearing, under my breath of course ;)

I wanted things I didn't have the courage to go for...

The next steps all looked like the worst face to climb of any mountain, impossibly impassable.

Maybe I can...

Well even if my courage isn't back yet, I know the answer.

Test myself, see if I can improve myself again, build back to somewhere nice.

Get the courage that comes with actually trying even if you don't think you can.

Nothing has been as hard or as scary as it once was, but still it's more apparent to me.

So I know I've got to balance doing those things I would have said yes to with no thought.

And my bank balance...

Add in the things I've learn't and give life another go.

Love
Resonating
From Within
Jon
x