Fucking January!

I knew it was bad in January, I talked about it in February, it's fucking May now and I'm finally seeing some improvement after getting as low as I ever thought I could.  It's on a knife edge and thanks a lot for your hindsighted comments people...  Why is it we wait until things get to their worst?  Why don't we say or do something about the guy down the road who is always ranting and raving until he's murdered someone?

I'm not going to do something that stupid, mainly cos I couldn't hurt a fly, in fact I actually struggle to do some jobs cos there are worms on the plastic factory empty bags that I repatriate to the great outdoors, the throbbing in my head has gone, guessing that's the weed making my veins and arteries overly full, the pulse in my ears, left ear especially gone, comes here and there, not tinnitus then and not made worse by listening to loud music as far as I can tell, stress either my own imagined made real stress, put on myself seems to make the negative thinking / imagery more of a problem, stress within the body caused by sleep deprivation or overtiredness also seems to be a cause of a reassertion.  So I let it go, working on myself, my energy body, focus again, breathing, the now, reasserting, resounding, detoxing, the overthinking is going, the underthinking now possibly an issue.

I don't have to find things to take my mind off now, I honour the process that was begun... Stuck my fingers up at the private pigs from Charlie's estate the other day, in a sly kind of way that I could have said was me picking my nose but still, not sensible is it??  Any way got the counsellor on wednesday and as they ask you to put down answers in a questionairre based on the last two weeks symptoms I should be free and clear and all the over worrying was for nowt.  Although I still think I've got some symptoms of ptsd / nervous breakdown / possible bi-polar.  Who knows? I don't give a fuck, doing all the good right things, eating well, so well cos I'm not smoking cigarettes still, glad to have knocked that on the head, the old thoughts asserted themselves when stoned of ears bleeding, nose bleeding, um head exploding, heart exploding, all gone, but smoking weed not a good idea for having paranoid thougthts really, the current stuff is highly THC full, and no antipsychotic, just aswell I'm the kind of person who has always been a bit weird i.e. never going to get weird, or weirder than I have been since TH@T episode in september (not july as I thought)...

You fuckers fucked up and so did I but now I'm clean and controlling the show, I know the stress caused my freak out and the arse kicking I've given myself since is working, as much as I've regressed to a teenager scared to do the things I used to be scared of, it's a psychological safety measure that often happend after a tragedy or traumatic event, and as I often push my luck and have had hazy sleepy times, getting off ok these days considering, despite withdrawal and detoxing from shite...  I know there are temptations that I let myself get the better of me for a second, looking back though there was never another me doing stuff.

There's me without confidence and me with, if that's bi-polar then so be it.  The depression has been the worst ever, but not that unusual, I'm not as confident but I have the experiences of the past to guide me back.

The self esteem has gone, I'm not that get up and going at the moment either, cos I just can't earn any money regularly and I am enjoying the total break this is giving me.  Not like I got lots of people crying out for a little Jonny in their life these days, and not even missing out when I used to feel so bad when I saw things others were up to, I've grown up and grown down at the same time.  The knife edge isnt poised it's blunt so I'm just letting things ride along, letting myself choose the direction and timing, giving myself the proper break I deserve, even though my low self esteem made me feel like a cunt for taking the time, for not earning my keep, and at the same time, feeling good about not cos I'm basically lazy...

Trying to force myself, use the force man, force myself to be more hygienic and not the old me, who could put off anything like washing for a long time, I used to stink so there's the old me and the 'after Waveform' me in here, just mixing the best to make one version, respectable, sensible, waiting for all the expectations, the differing sections to subside, as I know there are tapes playing back, it's not a long term series, it's not a future season, not a feature presentation, not the rest of my life that is at stake, just the current run and checking the figures, it's not a hit, but when was it ever?

I don't want to shock, disturb, be the one to make people go HEY?! Who's that?  And the shy retiring shy guy isn't it either...  Mixing mixing mixing toil boil work relax, get back.

Do the right thing, feel internally safe and sound again, let the shit detox out, let the good back in.

The scariest is exiting, the scariest is over, the goodness seeps deeply, deeper this time, I shall be free of old habits and old inclinations, but I have to conciously work through the issues this time, not use substances to get there...  Patience, trust, I can be healed again, I am healed again, I am healed, I will work and work like stink to heal and release the pain body, energise the inner self, release the shit, I need this time to earn everything again.

Find the power of now,
Love
Jon
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