native narrative play

as i read about spiritual things, meditation, visualisation, i used my imagination and saw in my minds eye, a chalk outline me, in white on a black background, it was my energy body and I would see a white milky energy pouring over me like rain showering my body from head to toe, and as I was being cleansed it began to pool in my soles, climbing up and up through my feet, to my ankles, legs, thighs and onwards, filling this other me up, carrying all dark murky gunk and other detritus to the surface of it, moving on up until, reaching my crown it spurts out from a mammal spout, raining over me again and constantly being refreshed from a source whose force comes in constantly along the threads of a tale, as we are characters in our own story and part of a greater tapestry of life and love, stitched in time, stitched up, here, one strand coming from below to attach to our tail bone the other, behind our brow to the crown, where they travel to our centre, become united and those frayed ends, conjoining into a golden rope become the route to our destiny which is contained within the greater narrative of this novel place, one we need to read to find the happy ending x

average joe

2.4 children, the common man, a regular joe, we've all been given to believe that we're just normal folk, the average man on the street and lots of other sexist ways of describing who we are but then each of us is an individual after all, exceptional in our own way, one of a kind, so reducing us to a mean meme is wrong really x on this one planet we ought to celebrate similarities that we all share and our individuality, that's merely the icing on the cake and stops us getting bored :) xxxxx

in other words - let this be true - in other words - i love you

in other words, leaving the garden, gaining the knowledge of good and evil, to be given the challenge of living the good life in a world possessed and obsessed with creating a bad world is a challenge, one we have all been living with and one we all need to face, rather than feeling as though if we can't beat them we should join them... Free will is a lovely thing to have

dreamers can fly

the number of folk who expressed the attitude that for them, lately, they would remember a memory, of doing something, only to realise it was a dream, so for us, the dreamers, it's a case of understanding that this is the dream, that our dream world is the real world, where borders and boundaries are no longer there, where the monkey mind doesn't think about things, but we just do whatever we wish and in conclusion the time we share with other dreamers is the real world and this just a poor imitation and fantasy

the real world

it's so hard to leave the real world when all you want to do is stay, with the people who express a pure love so easily, so freely, so beautifully and then back you go to the rest of the world, living the way they're living, being the rational thought driven folk that we all know and love but find it hard to connect with because they don't know, haven't ever experienced how much energy and direction is available when you try, when you accept that you know nothing and then give peace a chance x

blissed out

here was a moment when I knew that I would have to accept my fair share of everyone else's pain, take that on and only then after suffering in silence for a little while, did I start to feel a great and pure love, years of angst, turned into real joy x My body convulsing, receiving short sharp shocks, orgasmic instants of bliss as I had my life force jumpstarted and realised how much love I was missing out on x

I Just Wanna Feel

Real Love

Last night was one of the worst in my life, not really, you see I've been pulling a splinter from my mind and like a vortex or a plughole or anything that repeats itself and tightens as you get closer to the edge of darkness, the void, rock bottom, the event horizon of a black hole, as you get there the sense is of coming to terms, the feeling is one of having to experience for me all the emotions I never did, all the pent up self hatred, the lack of self love, the inability to feel anything, a lack of loving truth.  That night, last night wasn't that bad, I chatted, I danced, I saw loads of great folks, I learnt things, I saw things, like the bloke arguing with himself, the drunk guy who looked sad being consoled and walked home or wherever by his mate, the other sights on a night out in a town.

The best moment was when I was leaving and I realised that I didn't know the way home and I burst into laughter on my own in the car because I would usually be heading to the after party to get wasted.  On this occasion and don't get me wrong, it was a good night, great atmosphere, just a lack of connection and that's what I've been struggling with and I only had a couple of pints but felt energy.  I did some healing so I managed to be the best me that I am when I am just being good.

The truth I've been struggling with, over the last few years is accepting the darker aspects, the deeper levels of who I am, stretched  as I have been, to experience and see the true limits of what I can be.

I've been spread thin like too little butter on bread and that is a good thing because in the past I sought to hide from everything and everyone, I sought shelter and relief from being concious and now I feel as though I'm going through all the things I didn't want to see, hear, feel so it's a good thing.  To me it seems as though our lives are our karma, our lives are meant to include all the things that happen to us, in order for on the small scale of a short human lifetime for us to make choices, to choose a different route to the ones we may have navigated in the past, to bring together in a small way the lives we have lived if we have before, to draw a conclusion if we choose to go with our instincts, if we have, make the time, for me I've made working on myself a priority and that takes up so much energy but it's necessary because what follows is a larger more expansive version of this.

As though when we die, we go one way or the other, we go higher, to realms of unimaginable beauty and ugliness, that there is another world, worlds, as though we are rehearsing eternity in this short space we call our life, as though we can choose because of our free will to do so or ignore the call.

So as I face the pain I've caused, I've ignored, as I face myself and am able to see where I've gone wrong, as painful as it is, I am being given a chance to change my tune, to sing a different song.

This life is so interesting, and rather than shy away, it's necessary for me to accept the entirety of who I can be, to find greater depths of courage, to see the truth of the massive beings we really are in order to keep making the right choices, to keep waiting and hoping, to keep letting, allowing this pain to be felt, so that it can dissipate, so that in the end joy can emerge and I hope I'm not disappointing too many people, I hope I'm not being too much of a party pooper, but this road is mine to travel.

Rehab ilitation

Sherlock Holmes, Fox Mulder, all the weirdest characters are the ones that I can't help feeling more like than their counterparts, John Watson, Dana Scully and in some ways that makes a lot of sense because I am misanthropic, although I'm not sure if my subconcious has chosen the right word there.  You see from an early age I could spell lots of words, I knew their definitions, words made sense.

They made sense of the world for me, made sense to me, maybe I could place it as a lingering, strong unfluence (influence I meant to write, but I have to take the freudian slip for what it is) coming from my parents' love of improving their word score, the readers digest, my love of books, bookishness, worlds within worlds, fiction, non fiction, science fiction, science non fiction, although the use of the word fictional and non-fictional has little bearing in a world that itself appears more and more to be just that.  A fiction.  Fiction, friction, fiction, fiction, fiction, the way a word will lose its meaning when you say it over and over again, as we lose our grasp of its meaning, its sense of solidity when we do that, when we insist on going over and over something, obsessions, obsessive thinking, actions, behaviours, habits, habit forming, forming words, forming a sense of the world itself.

So yes in many ways i am a misanthrope, assuming that's the word I was grasping for to put some meaning into the feeling behind the phrases, the palette of colourful language I intend to pretend to grasp, pretend to have a feeling of needing to express, or perhaps I really do, sense something.

Repetitive, repeating the use of words, normally it's a bad thing, you're supposed not to do that.

When you write, it's best normally not to repeat the same words, phrases because it leaves the audience with the feeling that they've already read it, already done that part, they get confused, lose their track, i do that, did that, lost my train of thought, lost the training from conditioning, from schooling, from the normal rational way of doing things, I began to feel my way, I've always struggled with making decisions because I can't see the difference between choices, between options, they both seem sensible, shall we do this or that?  Shall we go here or there?  Unless I could feel which was the better path, I couldn't make up my mind.  So I went with the normal way openly, but privately I didn't, privately in my own mind, in my own little world where I've lived for so long.

Unable to hold a normal conversation, because I am not interested in what other people say, I am, if it informs my little world, if I can learn more about what it is to be a human being, if I can use whatever I gather to help me to be more normal, but should I wish that?  Really?  Shouldn't I just try to be the best me that I can?  When someone asked me a question like how are you?  I would reply but not return the favour, unfavourably I would just say I'm fine thanks, goodbye, because conversation feels threatening to me, unless my inhibitions are gone, to go through the small talk to get to the crux.

To get to the reason we are communicating, to find out what they can learn from me and me them.

That's what every encounter is about, if only the small talk were more expansive, if only it didn't involve me getting to know more about people I feel possibly irrationally there is very little point in me getting to know, because our relationship will be short, our friendship, their life, my life.

Everybody dies, perhaps that's it, grief as I've posited before, as I've openly expressed it before, the death of a close relative, who I barely knew, I barely know anyone, really, from my perspective I really don't, people say things about others, because they feel it, they feel close to them, they know more about them, because they talk about meaningless nonsense together, they talk about things, they converse and conversely I don't, I shy away from connection, I shy away, I shy, shy shy shy shy shy.

I once said I was shy and someone close to me seemed to think that was a novel way to describe me.

Or at least the nuance, the little things that I notice, the underlying sentiments, the underlying, the lying, the constant lying, because people won't say what they mean, they talk in subtext and so I am nonplussed, unable to read between the lions, lines, lions, the lines, between the lines, underlines.

I guess it's some form of disorder, some form of lack of social skills, a form of lack of connection.

Then I go out, I get passed my inhibitions, I naturally am outgoing, love to meet new people, because those relationships are exciting the brief encounters for an important reason, the fact that it's new, they don't know me, they won't get to know me, I can do whatever it is we both need to learn, see, hear, feel, I can do it then, but not when the pressure of expectation builds, I'm expecting them to die.

Soon, I wonder about impermanence, about why people buy things they will never use, rarely then.

I wonder why people bother with so many things and it's frustrating because romantic relationships, friendships is a better way to describe what I think of as the sort of connections that would lead to that, closeness, sex, intimacy rather, intimacy not sex, intimacy, cuddling, kissing, holding, close.

I can already see the end, the reason why things won't work, the breakup, the failure for me to makeup, the failure of me to be a man, have the courage to talk, to say the things I want to.

It's a vicious cycle, circle, circular reasoning, fear, fear, fear, dear, dear, dear, dear me, if only.

Blah blah blah wa wa wa babababa black sheep, wank sheep, oh well, that was fun.

Writing words, spelling, writing spells, shells, sea shells, unexploded second world war shells.

Dug up on a beach in omaha, rather omaha beach, or one of those renamed monstrosities of the second world war in france, where on a school trip we, they, dived to a sunken landing craft and recovered, unexploded shells, brought them home despite a thorough search by french customs.

After returning home, the bomb squad or rather two police officers came to our door.

Have you got any shells?  Did you bring any back from france they said?

Yes.  I'll go and get them.  Beautiful they were, not sure I still have them.

You know the sort that kids find and take home, to listen to the sea in.

I was the innocent, the scared one, the afraid one, the little one, me.

But I don't remember being the scared, I didn't know enough to be.

Blown up by the bomb squad, army whatevers, my friends shells.

Mortars whatever they were, I think I might have had a pen.

The ones where the lady undresses when you hold it right.

Sex, sex, sex, women, friends, female friends, I miss em.

I've found the source of my misanthropy, it's women.

It's a woman, the divine feminine, the part of me.

The part that feels female, the part of me that is.

The part I used to explore, endure, now openly.

Openly experienced, the morays of society.

The failures to celebrate womanhood.

The failure of society to be whole.

The failure to celebrate us all.

To have leaders at all
the least of us
ruling over
the rest.

Full Stop...

End.

x

I miss how being around my female friends always made me feel like a better person, I miss the soothing nature of those relationships, the feeling of being known, understood, women do that.

storyteller

in truth there are facets of us we would rather not admit or realise are there, the crux is that without accepting the shadow side within we can't find the light either so my journey has been one of reading the narrative of the story of my life without writing it as I go along, without the half truths, the exaggerations, the lies i told me before, if i've understood it all correctly then the next chapter is about redemption xx

sharing and caring

i want to share something with you all and it's going to give me some peace and, yet more, energy for the challenges ahead that before, i had my head stuck in the sand, avoiding anything that I wasn't good at and concentrating on things I liked... so here goes, believe or don't that's up to you, you could always try it ;) xxxxx

in the past i used to find large obstacles in my way, like a heavy door or seemingly impossible tasks in front of me which I thought I could never, shouldn't ever face

so in the quiet moments between the future and the past, in the now, I would say what if?  what if I tried this?  what if I remembered what we can all really do?

so in that spirit of adventurousnessness ;) i would stand with my hands on that heavy door, that I could only move with great effort before and I would relax and not try to move it, I  would wait and let we two become one, me and that heavy door then I would feel a certain something happen between me and it, felt as though it was becoming a part of me and me a part of it, relaxing more it's never about how hard you try, the more you let go of your fears and expectations, the more you go with your incredible imaginations, i could move the door as if it was a part of me like my hand, i could ease it across as easily as i could move my head finally out of that sand, i never thought i could because i had nothing for my life planned ;) x

then later pausing to go over the fact that as a child i could feel energy between my hands, i could place them close together and feel them vibing like two like poles of a magnet, as though they were repelling each other, so I played with that and forgot

then later still i remembered that i could do that and when I was gardening I would use those two parts of who i really am, i brought them together and i would speak to the weeds, I would say you need to leave, to a quick death, so let go and allow me to change the layout at this location, i would grab them at the base, wait for a second for us to connect, say let go under my breath and take them more easily from the soil, coming away as if I was just lifting them without roots, as though they had done as I asked them so nicely to do, realise and agree with me that the best thing for everyone was if those weeds were no longer there...  as if by magic xxxxx

Now if you would ever like to feel what I feel, ask me to say how do you do like the american indians used to, we show each other our palms, we take them close, we let them nearly touch and wait to see if we can both feel our energies vibing like ;)

an inconvenient truth

it's been said that if you aren't part of the solution, you're part of the problem
and in truth the majority of us are part of the problem and not the solution...
for the sake of our convenience, other people and nature are inconvenienced
because BIG BUSINESS, World Leaders, THE SYSTEM itself says so.
We are then made to work ourselves into the ground, stress ourselves out.
Make ourselves ill, to fit into the way things are, the way we think they must be.
That's all a lie, an illusion of control that has to and is fading out of existence.
The future of this world can only work one way and that is sustainability...
It's obvious from the ways the oceans are polluted with plastics, small and large
It's obvious from the fact that there is a growing population and a shortage of space.
It's obvious because it's coming to a head all of the worlds problems are apparent.
So the only way forward is for each of us to withdraw from the system, realise
the ways in which we collude and include ourselves in it, make things worse.
For the sake of our own convenience because we are trapped in lives we don't want to lead, doing things to earn money that make us ill, keep us tied down, stop us from being and doing the things we were meant to be doing with our precious lives.

There is no need for us to return to nature for we are already a part of her
A sick and twisted part it has to be said for most of us aren't connected
We are fighting for survival and security in our lives regardless of others
The more we learn about the ways the world works the less we like it
Because the truth is that we have been moulded into slaves for them
Those who only think of themselves and profit and the short term...
This has to stop, we must think of our children and their children
We need to think seven generations ahead and realise that's us
We are the future, here and now is where decisions are made
That will shape the world for the rest of time, until the end...

polite notice

if you notice yourself thinking, start noticing when you're not
a moment between thoughts, so stretch it longer, the time
of no thoughts, get good at it, thinking of nothing being a
no-one, stretching your self image to include a vibrant
energetic flow that you can feel, you just have to let
go of limits, expectations, rules and regulations
experiment every moment you live for the
miracles we seek are within us all you
just have to ask nicely for them
love
jon
x

accidentally on purpose

last year there was a terrible accident and michael schumacher was injured
at the time i was on a seemingly neverending high rising and rising and so
i did some energy work on the former world champion with all serious-
ness i worked longer and harder than I ever had for anyone else
and though i knew his injuries I sensed that they were to
the back and base of his head and upper spine and
i spent almost an hour praying and working then
i finished, tongue in cheek left my postcode
in his subconcious in case he ever felt
like supporting my ventures in life.
Yes so i followed his recovery
and hoped upon hope that
in some small way i'd
helped along with the
love and support of
millions worldwide
Having a vivid and far reaching imagination may mean that all i've ever done is make things up in my head that have no truth in reality, but then does this reality have any truth to it, beyond what we 
gather in with our senses, what we are told because science for me as interesting as it is
 is a rather logical way of working out what is going on, it relies on the scientific
method on trial and error, on tests, on theories that seem to match the evidence,
but that is all again just what we gather using all the usual techniques, outside
of that is what we feel, what we intuit, gut instincts
more than merely rational exploration
experiential intelligence, method
brought to bear on madness
and so i leave you with
the idea that to dare
to dream is your
deliverance.
With love
to you
x

I,C,

 confidence i pretend to have it until i do
i just imagined and learnt about more
and pretended that it was real until
it was and all my dreams came
true ok not yet, some of them
but they're on their way or
something even better
making believe like
children whatever
we like to use
Imagination
4 Creating
harmony
balance
kive
x

a song about love - and love being life

it occurs to me as so often things do
that the other day, i referred to a you
in that case as with so many others
im talking bout everyone not a nother
as there isn't one person particularly
that i could be speaking about verily
my fault I know that i don't tend to let
anyone get too close at least not yet
since i got used to keeping peeps at
arms length, a bad habit i know, one
im trying to relent and well so on go
i, spouting words here to be readed
cos it comes to me to be spreaded
into the world, as a kind of release
a form of communication, please
don't worry that im talking about ya
for all the planet to see no no no...
no no no no no no no no no no
no no there's no limit no no limits
we'll reach for the sky, that means
all of us, you, you, you, you and me

ah well they don't always come out
the way i was hoping at all shucks
to be fair i never was much of a poet
more of a creative writer spouting lots
of ideas one after the other at least
that's what my english teacher said

it is helping me to find my voice
even though i still panic when
given a choice, about what
i should say and what i
should not making it
up as i go along
seeing lyrics
as i write
a song
about
love
x

shoehornying

You see every moment with you reminds me internally
of every instance when I was my Best and my Worst me
and so as i harness the latter and free the first one of these
it makes for an it's complicated situation between you and me
mostly between me and me for the duration as i decide who is he
after all these years of idle speculation, tribulation, trepidation, glee
i must remember not to panic, breathe slow and deep, not fight or flee
because when i can slow things down, stop hearing, listen more to thee
i find life becoming wonderful, free, joyous, connected, unexpected ya see
and that is what i had always hoped for, for me, to be able to someday be
less concerned, worried, fearful and outrageous, calmer, sensible at sea
able to weather storms, enjoy becalming waters, surfs up, yes all three
become a voyager in life again setting out on some new trip basically
to who knows where, with who knows who, doing who, knows what
and so that is why i've opened up again, set sail am taking a shot
the rest i have no idea about, out of practise it just happens a lot
that I happen to things, not the other way around and so i've got
a brand new ledger into which to write a new true captains log
it's about time i finished shoehorning nautical reference in...

don't blink, i mean think

when you dont think about it, you don't need a recipe
when you don't think about it, you don't need laws
when you don' think about it, you don't need to
think about anything really it just happens
it's you not reacting anymore but just
doing the right thing at the right
time bringing destiny into
line with what it would
wish to be if only
we could get
out of the
way
x

we're a lovely mess

got this feeling this translation going on inside my mind as i see how different the world we are shown is to the one we live inside, how different we are in us to how things appear to others, ways I was under an illusion that you had to be perfect, had to be this, have that and the other, or else you weren't worth it, From there are the lessons i learnt about how imperfect you need to be, to be yourself truly xxxxx

don't - do tell

don't wanna know what you do to live, tell me what you live to do
don't rattle off some expectations, tell me about your new dreams
don't relive what went before, no, tell me what you hope for xxx

problem people - people solutions

was wondering why some people seem to put up with being treated badly, maybe it's cos they got so used to it that they can't be bothered to do anything about it
maybe it's because they think that they deserve it for some reason who knows
i know that it doesn't have to be that way, for everyone, for anyone, if we try,
if we put ourselves out there and get involved, people are the problem
and they are the solution to every one of them too so there x

sending a thankyou out to gratitude

out to no-one in particular and to everyone
thanks for being you for doing what you do
as all around the planet lights are going on
no not those ones in the high streets sayin
shop more stuff, buy more things please so
i know it isn't just about that it's celebration,
across da nation for some not others though
so it's these other lights I mean, beacons of
hope, lanterns of love, little fires being lit, as
people become more concious of the impact
of their choices and the way they can make
the world a better place, just by being here
and being them, being who they are inside
and letting that shine everywhere they go,
those are the folks some of whom i know.
It's those lights that i'm loving seeing out.

i believe believing is seeing not the other way around

and if you can remove the blinkers and filter
you see all the more of what the world is

i know something fo' sho'
if i can remember to relax
and just go with the flow
everything falls into place
rises there if you like, so
i can forget to be thinkin'
an think less about bein'
fitting into the world nice
and easy livin' n breathin'
realisin' believin' is seein'

thankyou thankyou thankyou xxx

i feel bad that i cant remember atm who told me about this ah now i do it was cazz so i passed this technique on to someone else and it worked a treat apparently xx i have always struggled with switching off the monkey mind and dropping of to sleep but if you were to try this you never know it might change the habit of a lifetime too so lay back, start with your toes, say to each one, please release all physical and emotional and spiritual pain from within you, thankyou for everything you do for me big toe, next toe, next toe, next toe, little toe, bottom of the foot, top of the foot, heel, ankle, lower leg, each one in turn, knees, thankyou so much for carrying me then up and up and if you manage to get to your head continue thanking each part most times i've passed out long before getting anywhere further than my middle but felt my whole body relax, felt each part seemingly releasing the aches and pains and had the most relaxing sleeps each time, and i think it only gets better and better. Thankyou thankyou thankyou, spreadin some gratitude around can't be a bad thing in this world where we often take others for granted aswell as ourselves x

commune i cation

i thought up some of these words in the bath now to flesh them out and see what it turns into now i've got to stick them together into some form of communication
given that i find this the easiest and best way to get my point across in a note, a letter or something more akin to documentation ;) so here goes I'm repeating myself because i've spent some time on all these issues in the past and now again as they come back to haunt me with so many other things like the future the past the now and so many memories and to put this into words is my way of facing things like people who i find it difficult to speak to personally, face to face like maybe it's my throat chakra, or some kind of inbuilt cowardice, a lack of socialisation, or practise or some other thing to do with bonding, attachment etc

I have a different relationship to the word attraction than you do possibly
I feel that if you only looked it up and read the definition in the dick shun ary
you'd see what i see and feel because i'm coming out of hibernation literally
i've been trying to be reborn as someone new with some of the parts of me
back and some sent into hiding, seclusion, that thing you do, ah yes coventry
so yeah for me attraction means being drawn to someone or something, okay
it means i have something to offer them, not in that way, don't be so dirty
for me it means less about the sex sells way that the world has been pointing
far far less about the pointy bits, round bits, the general addiction to fucking
that we all suffer from because of the titillation in the media, films, ads and t.v.
that keeps us in a constant state of excitation for no reason just to make us pay
make us do things that we don't really feel like doing when we're being, honestly
later on when we get home from making our latest purchase or one night thingy
i don't have any judgement to make on the ways that people choose to live really
that's up to them but I have to be honest, since I haven't done it since 92 or 93
my life hasn't, doesn't revolve around that thing you do, that we call sex, baby
lately though some part of me has awoken and instead of being content to look
for a pretty smile, nice eyes, hair, personality, I've been consumed by boobs n bums
tight little tums, shapely legs, firm thighs, all of the things that constitute a woman
on top of the usual things that attract me to someone, like if we get on, if we like
each other, to be in the same room for any length of time, so I can see the appeal
i know that the need for intimacy has come back to me and that it's very real
and that's all we all want surely isn't it, as much as a quick fuck, it's a kiss
to be with someone we really care about, who cares for us too, that bliss
that comes with sharing moments together and enjoying them as much as hours
time flying fast because we enjoy it so much that it passes by before we realise
and so i have to integrate this new me with the old and make a single self though
try not to get involved until that process is more complete, until I am and then
maybe i can carry on being a friend to all and an enemy of as few as none
go out into the world, say hi, seeing pain and letting them feel they're not the only one
as i always do, making sure to cheer up the miserable, and share the laughs too
so in closing wondering if this has any closeness to the version i had in my head
i have to say i enjoy this process, it comes out in a stream and i write that instead
i go back and read it through or just leave it wondering am i exposing too much?
again, feeling so open, so bare, so desperately expressing something there
and finally i can leave it all up to you now as i'm finished this whatever it is
i can hopefully not fall over as often as i have in the past, mistaking the love
that i have, for someone else's for me, you see when we love someone it doesn't end when we're not together anymore, not true love, the love that ends, in disaster or some kind of acrimony is the type that wasn't love in the first place, an addiction to getting love from the other person, when what we should be doing is giving it away constantly, giving our love to everyone and not caring who gives it back so much, i hope i havent ruined this now by carrying on, rambling on, let's see, i love you x

loving loving

ebola soon ova, isis is no crisis, beyond the fear mongering prattling twats of the media who don't recognise or emphasize the position we created in iraq and when driving people don't indicate, from a fear leading to them unwilling to communicate that is palpable and so watching the performance artists dancing trying to lose themselves and find whoever they really are I see the need to move and stomp, the true circumstance and pomp of the people really being, living, breathing in love for one another at the rave, near bristol in a tunnel where the winners are those who can be whatever they wish and find a space in that place to forget their inhibitions, finding new conditions, new experiences as I discover myself uncontained, unrestrained by societies chills and ills, thrills as I am suddenly everyone there, their insecurities are mine and mine theirs, my body is at once a series of moments, particles, vibrating, I am everything and choose to be one of us, I can feel the sense of responsibility that is godhead, that is the one spirit of all of us, I would rather be me, rather see each one of them find the same feeling, reeling, jumping like a child at the school disco, no framed or learned moves just music driving base thumping, doing whatever seems right at the time, feeling fine, divine, in love with loving xxxxx

big un-sur-tainty

it's uncertainty that's killing me, the what ifs ands or butts
when i don't know what im doing, doing nothing seems
like a less risky option given I can and do quite
regularly read your mind and ask that one
question that brings up what you need
to clear, making me the bad guy for
a good good good reason xxxxx
not knowing what I should do
i often prefer waiting  to let
you tell me a nice story
about you instead
that's my yellow
streak showing
flippin cowardy
custard again
shying away
given time
spent
avoiding conversation at any cost, replying to everything with a witty or cutting one
liner so I can get away from this stressful mess that is me learning to feel, cope,
work through the shaking like a dog, frustration working like a friction to growin
stopping me from showing what im feeling and feeling what i'm showing too.
So i go through this thing where I'm careful not to offend anyone or hurt
anyone and just end up wondering why someone won't tell me what
i should be doing, where im going wrong, i can take it, i like it
it's the only way i've ever learnt anything is by making a
fool of myself and trial and error, embarrassment at
not being able to do the things you make look
so fucking easy but maybe isn't at all...
I still don't know but i'm going to
have to confront it all again
and again and make
even more fuckups
so im sorry in
advance
love
jon
x

grow nups

I can look the part and even act the part of an adult but i'm nowhere near yet
getting there though as i accept the hidden parts of me I had denied before
psychotic is a good description of a teenagers brain during development
actually they're just capable of a range of things and decide on a few
going forward, that's who I'm gonna be more or less 'til i learn more
settling into a more acceptable persona within a societies rules
that's why their behaviour & attitudes can appear so aberrant
but then if you're normal i don't wanna be thankyou muchly
i've met young people so much older and wiser than me
all the same given our childish society
that's why there's so many old
young nutters trying to
grow up like
lil ol'
me
x

impermanent moment

Learnt to meditate with crossed legs at
a vipassana retreat, for ten days, the
pain became seemingly unbearable.
Not so as every feeling is just an
instant, for everything is merely
passing, from one moment to
the next one and enduring
the pain, seeing it for its
true self, impermanent,
realises internally the
nature of experience
always changing,
always moving.
Bearing pain,
it becomes
a real joy
release.
Love
x

peter pan

A Peter Pan I began, to see a shadow cast.
By the light of love I felt, dealt and gave out.
Headin' into darkness, to see it shine more.
I realise it all must end, leaving it all behind.
Learning what is to come, once more a star.
Told that this place exists, for new creation.
Further afield a sky afar, waits for us again.
Beginning, ongoing. ending, over and over.
Twirlin', twinklin', bristlin' with a pure love.
Onwards and upwards, forever and ever.

409 years ago

remember, remember, the fifth of november.  The gunpowder, treason and plot, I see no reason why the gunpowder, treason should ever be forgot.  We're supposed to remember the grizzly death of the plotters but the idea of freedom from the oppression of a ruling class is what persists, what prevails, verily it is so.

Watching V for Vendetta and noticing how it apes and resonates with today, a time when spin and the messages we hear from 'governments' are barely, almost laughably unbelievable, the lies we are told to cover their complicity with big business, the lies we are told about the way forward, out of chaos...

I've seen what life is like in areas outside the rule of law, it works...

We don't need them, they need us, to vote, to comply, to give them a mandate, to listen to their broken promises, to let them get away with creating a world that is so unfair for most, that works only because it is the way things have always been.

That too is untrue, because things haven't always been this way, not at all...

Things have been very different indeed, before feudalism, before nationalism, there was real community, real connection, people really living and contributing.

A tribal culture and a culture of tribal values based on natural law.  Based on being a part of something greater than ourselves, being a part of the whole, one world.

Not one world government but a truly local way of organisation, not central, more like an organism, organic, connected, truly eclectic, celebrating difference.

Abnormal, paranormal, everyone having a place, everyone having a say...

survivor

The capitalist mindset, the paradigm that virtually all of us live in and have to work around creates the current world the way it is and is brain-washing others around the planet turning them into copies of the west as we continue to ravage other countries and install what we like to call democracy which isn't what it says on the tin at all.  What we have is a system that allows a few to rule the masses, a few to make the decisions that we all have to live with, it creates a world where people actually feel that their safety and security comes from money instead of where our true security and safety comes from in life... PEOPLE  The rich who have 20 million in the bank all say that they don't feel they have ENOUGH to feel secure in their life.

This is a bad joke and one that allows the majority of people to be oppressed, to serve the needs of those few, to send all the resources in the form of money up the chain to the top of a sickening pyramid where the rich have whatever they like and everyone has to live under the rule of law, but where businesses don't pay taxes...

This has to come to an end, because it along with all the other past, failed systems means the natural world, the very thing that gave us and gives us life is ruined.  Eco-systems are damaged, are under threat of collapse not because of the number of people but because businesses are seen as more important, have more power than the people do and so it will change and is doing so now even if you can't see it.

There is hope, there is positive news out there, we just get the bad news because it allows the people in charge to ignore the issues that they don't want to have to take care of, they don't want to have to take responsibility for them, cos they would fail.

They don't have solutions for the issues that are presenting themselves with more and more urgency because they represent the very system that created them.

Governments don't want to admit where they are going wrong because they are stuck, forged together with the very business ethic and businesses themselves that are rapidly curtailing natures efforts to repair itself and they are unsustainable.

A sustainable future, where food isn't wasted, where nothing is wasted, where the products we require to live are made to last rather than wear out, where the world itself is seen as the priority and we as merely visitors, temporary stewards is coming, because it HAS to or else, or else we are living on borrowed time.

How to end on a positive note?  When the shit hits the fan what will save you?

Will it be your huge estate, your servants, drivers, huge bank balances?

NO of course not, what persists are people, communities, in balance.

Those are the human beings that will be our descendants not them.

It's us who will survive into the future, the people in harmony.

In harmony with each other, with nature, with the planet.

Starting From Scratch

Getting off to sleep can be an issue, I find that period of the evening difficult, ideas come to me, things I probably ought to have given some consideration during the day, there's a song about it, turn out the light, turn off the light, I forget, it's about inspiration coming when you would prefer a break.

I often found late at night to be a source of my writing, lots of thoughts would come together, crystallise, wow I didn't think you spelt crystalise like that, my english is really going to pot.

In my writing I would find a line, a song, something that would spark the creativity, and like a lot of artists, my down times, depressed times, the negative times, the harshest periods in my life would often be a great source of inspiration, I almost see my blog as having been a cry for help, from myself right back at me.  Almost as if I wrote it all not for others as I had thought but to try to wake me up.

All the stuff about thinking you're protecting yourself from getting hurt, emotionally, physically even by playing life safe but actually all you're doing is making sure you never get anything good either.

SO!  All the times when I would listen to the little sparks of imagination and inspiration and stay up late like now, like tonight and put it down to a necessary part of whatever it was I was doing it all for?

I have to say that maybe that was all bollocks, because I've learnt that I don't need to live like that.

Or at least going through what I've been through over the last three years or so has taught me a lot.

Some of which like keeping good habits, I have found means I don't need to be so hard on myself.

I can ignore the little voice.  I can just go to bed and sleep on things, or try to even if I can't drop off.

I find it hard to switch off, hard to lay there and relax and naturally fall asleep, maybe that's why my cannabis habit helped so well, it makes for so much more of the sleepy chemical going round inside.

It literally makes you sleepy, melatonin, or melonin, one makes your skin tan one makes you sleep.

I forget the difference now, but I've also been an unashamed sun worshipper too, i liked having a tan.

I was very self concious about my appearance, I didn't plan to write about that but here it comes out.

As a side salad to the main course of the flow of whatever it was I wanted to, was lead to write about.

I guess, it's the process again, whatever is going on, that I could either liken to mental health issues.

Or believe is a process, an evolution within me, something going on for others too, an honesty trap.

As though the world itself was going through a change, an evolution too and all of us with it if we try.

If we're honest enough to let it happen, make it happen, willing to do so and get with the program.

Some say these are important times, possibly the most important ever on this earth, this planet.

Some say that this is the most important time to be alive, a chance, an opportunity of some kind.

That it's a great privilege to be here, well I knew that anyway, i won a huge odds lottery to be here.

Blah blah six weeks early, premature, immature, the old tale of woe that I tell when questioned.

Been there done that but we all are so very lucky to be alive, to have come to this place, now.

So I have been through a reconnection, that felt to me like psychosis, psychotic looping.

Connecting to nature, feeling like a burden for her. the mother earth, feeling unworthy.

Knowing I don't want to hurt a fly but all sorts of aggression I didn't know I had coming out.

Having thoughts I didn't recognise as my own, or coming from me, internally, so yes.

A difficult time, this year especially, I really didn't want to be here at all you see.

Came closest to not wanting to be here at all, but still not selfish enough to end it all.

Still never that down, that depressed, but not enough energy to be a good person.

Not enough feeling to do the right thing by others, seemed to me anyway.

Seemed as though I have no love, feel no love, or know what it is.

Others have told me in the past that they love me, I said it back.

But can I say that I felt it, I didn't, not right away I didn't.

I wondered is there something wrong with me?

I thought it took longer for me to feel that, to connect with others, because of my misgivings.

Because of a problem with my birth, my start in life, maybe I'm no good at connecting.

At bonding with others, making relationships, I hold myself back, my heart too.

Maybe that was the problem, I find it hard to trust, relax, touch, be with.

Maybe, but I had to ask myself am I a sociopath, am I incapable?

I've cried an awful lot, reconnected to  a lot of hurts inside.

Wept uncontrollably but felt that they were crocodile tears at the time.

Or at least I didn't feel that I had the right to have those feelings.

I would like to think that I've broken through, that I do feel.

That it is some kind of internal mechanism, some barrier.

Some reason, that I hold back, rather than feeling it.

Whatever it is that others feel and lately I see it.

I see the way that other talk to each other.

I know that I stay away I don't have the same interest in human contact, I am skeptical about others, about the way they live their lives, about the things that people say, about the things they feel, as though I am some kind of impostor, seeing the things they say as lies to cover their own lack of feeling, I'm not sure what I'm getting at now, or if I'm saying it right, explaining it well, but at this point I usually let the words out and hope that whatever is coming out from deep inside makes sense.

So yes as my senses seem to come back to me, tasting things again, whatever I did to save myself from pain a long long time ago, seems to be a damned dam that's breaking, as though I'm finally letting people, emotions, sensations in, I would like to say it extends to previous lives too.

As if I could sense that I've been here before and suffered before too, good and bad times.

A long history and herstory of lives past, of having been here many times before.

I can only surmise and guess at whether that is true, or any of the feelings.

I know I wish it was to make my own life lessons less painful, hurtful.

To make me, give me more of an excuse for being less of a man.

To allow me to feel less guilty for the ways I have failed.

Even though guilt is a major obstacle I have faced.

Will face for the rest of my days because.

Because I hold back scared to act.

I let opportunities come and go.

Because I'm afraid of failing.

An old pattern, how old?

I may not know yet.

Until I die.

For now.

I'm ok.

Here.

xxx

augustus gloop

in august i danced for the first time in months and since then my big toenails have been hanging on by a thread, since then everything has gotten better with my head, living life going through a process of accepting my own worst fears and failings it must be said, working out where others were to blame, taking onboard where it was me, opening up my heart, honestly realising where I needed my head read, finally getting some sense of what life is all about and what i need, what I could, should and shouldn't heed, how to go forward, face the challenges with some courage, scared all the time indeed, facing that and trying not to make every sentence rhyme or fit, getting used to it, this thing called loife is harder and easier innit...

flutterby

Someone echoed what I've believed in my heart and maybe it's a dream, maybe it's something I would like to happen, that won't but is there to give us a false sense of security in this scary assed world full of fear and anxiety that we won't be loved.

They said that this is a time for healers to bring about a change in conciousness, that brought forth into the world will be a future time that is nearly here for us all.

When we will all come to learn the truth that has been hidden, lied about, kept from us for so long that we are love, that we can create and spread it around for all.

The hundredth twelfth monkey that will mean it's too late in a good way and that the worst is finally over, that the bad is there to shine a light on the good and so are we.

Whatever the friction, the frustration, the desire to not believe it because we've been trapped in a state of being shown a little glimpse only to have it taken away again.

To dare to dream can never be a bad thing unless you fail to make them come true.

Fail to try, fail to love, fail to be whatever it is you were meant to be, to grow into.

All of us cells within a giant chrysalis slowly burgeoning into a new life to live.

To burst forth, onto fresh wings and fly into the eternal sunshine of the heart.

Caught in a bitter loving battle

Caught in a bitter loving battle between hate and love, between bad and good, between devil and god.

I was both, neither, one or the other, just me, you, everyone all at once, feeling the struggle between.

As though for eternity up until now and who knows for how much longer the fight goes on still.

The feeling was that at some point, love conquers all, or at least for me it did, a sneaking suspicion still available that underlying what I was creating around me was something sinister but that's an option maybe, as though it must be possible, must be available, to allow free will to make it so.

To allow us to create new life, new worlds within and without it's all still a choice.

So I lived in that moment, those minutes whatever, however long it was.

In that place with enlightened souls around, the energy risen.

Feeling in some parts tortured in some parts blessed.

Seeing the shadow for what it is, a part of me.

Making my choice, I choose love.

Feeling the pressure subside.

Coming back to myself, back to earth, having never moved from the spot I was bedraggled in.

Looking around, seeing others as a nuisance, wanting of me things I was too tired to give.

Knowing that this process shaves the layers and skin from my eyes, from my vision.

Allowing me to see the real world that is always there masked by veils here.

The struggle continues, the battle between love and hate goes on.

As though intertwined yin and yan, ying and yang.

Springing eternal in every second a choice.

To leave old ways behind and move on?

I hope that is the option, because it felt as though this is in some ways a trap, in some ways a creation that allows new things to come into being, but in some ways still subdued, still cautious, still here.

When what would be really beautiful is for the shadow to be cast into the light, become it.

For us all to be transformed, us all to choose the light, choose what's right, become it.

Move on to a world somewhere else, maybe that's where we came from and go.

Where love is all around us, we are it, it is us, existing there forever.

That's my hope, the forgiveness I felt, the disruption of my guilt.

As though I was being let down gently to move on in this life.

To work through the areas I have failed at and move on.

Maybe even realise one whole, become whole, good.

Become the best of both, all the positive intentions.

Having to accept where I've gone wrong before.

Having to own those aspects I had ignored.

In order to own my own power, love.

Give it away as easily as I wished.

Work through the judgements.

That I make about others.

That I desire not to.

This is hard to do.

But I wouldn't wish anything else for myself and certainly I wish the best for everyone else.

When questioned extensively, a million times a second as time slowed down so much.

I got frustrated feeling as though it would go on forever, just let others be happy.

That's all I wish for and I know I'm repeating what I wrote before but this is.

The same experience that I've been through before, the looping part of it.

Each successive loop tighter, further down the plughole, up the vortex.

That I felt we travel along and to and through in the end of life.

To go to wherever it is that this place represents in this state.

A state of being that is far removed from whatever is there.

It's a fate acompli something I can do nothing about.

Apart from resisting temptations, and loving out.

Being it, giving it easily, learning to love.

Learning to ignore the other sides to it.

The other side of the coin that flipped.

Was thrown up in sky, best 2 out of 3?

As the war between hate and love,

goes on ad infinitum creating.

New ways to be, new people.

So that we all learn more.

About all the options.

Finally choosing,

to leave once
more forever
go to love x

Been There Before

Back To Basics

Been There Before

In a space, a place beyond, beyond life?  I don't know, I felt the link, the connection between everything good and everything evil, God the Devil, whatever you wish to call what makes up this reality or whatever lies behind it all.  I was looping, having snide remarks about how long it was taking me to catch on this time, as though all creations are merely versions of something that came a long time ago, a chance for something new to occur, to us all, to learn again, or for the first time.

As though good and bad, so aligned, perhaps maligned, loving and hating each other for eternity.

Wishing to be released, to move on, to progress to somewhere else, but how?  To love of course.

The only recourse in fact as I was threatened lightly, to be shown the truth, the dark side of it.

I didn't wish to see it, what lies on the other side, what came before, as though when facing away from me the darker truth was there to be seen if only I had wished to do so, of others, of myself.

I relaxed into the moment, as turn by turn, second by second, there was this battle within.

Between good and bad, I chose love, I felt it was the only way forward, out, away.

People around seemed familiar as though we're done this journey before.

Hard to work out what it all means, because I was god, I was the other.

From that perspective all I could do was keep on choosing love.

To have the world around me transformed by that decision.

I got desperate and shouted internally 'I just want everyone else to be happy' after all the questions about what I desire for myself, in the state of being able to have anything I desired, wished to be.

That's too much power for one individual, it isn't up to me to decide everyone elses fate.

Almost as if I was being offered ultimate power again and baulking away from it.

Shrinking back into myself, it was a tiring session, a tiring lesson, I chose right.

From my point of view, I chose right that time and would again I hope.

Coming back to myself, finding connection to others difficult.

Spaced out over the days since, coming back to earth, bang.

Having experienced energies again, sent healing again, sensed and felt connection again.

So I wish to proceed, if I am to do so, to somehow grow out of my old patterns.

To be of use to the world in some way, to send love out and maybe receive it.

Humbling myself, stumbling myself, glad my car was fine after my panic.

Glad that others asked after me, they were so kind thanks from my heart.

Never knowing to push harder or shrink and shy away I have to try.

Maybe never to understand in this life, but to connect, to live.

Wish the world a happy ending whatever happens to me.

I would like to think i was good in the past but that,

well that's come to be something i wonder about.

Maybe there's some karma here to let go of.

Perhaps this is my chance to love freely.

Maybe this is all of our chances.

In these days, end of the beginning, beginning of the end, maybe something new will appear.

Leaving behind certain things a necessity, to the process allows us as humans, with free will.

To do just that, to choose another path to the one we lived as energy in another life before...

Now as energy, as a being of matter, I felt energy within me, pulsing into my hands, inside my body, variously over the last few days, leeching out and gone now, although when I meditate is it there?

I have to work hard to clear my desk, clear my doubts, stop repeating old habits.

As I see the ways others live and breath their way through a day in the life.

Wondering why it is that I am different and wondering how much?

Knowing that some questions may have to wait until the end.

Feeling as though I have to find the courage to try again.

Whatever it is internally that tells me to fail, fall over.

Is it from the past, several?  Is it from this life?

I felt as though my memory was faulty.

As though there were, are gaps here.

Perhaps all will become clear.

One day, when all this ends.

Signing off now thankyou.

splurge

Purge, energy surge, alive and nearly a lert, being, vacillating, oscillating between heaven and hell, energy swell, good, bad but never indifferent the battle between love and hate is a choice I made, i choose love, sending it out, a loving litter lout.
Something's gotta give so it's me, letting it out, internal scream and shout, let it go, bring it up, better out than in son, get rid of this one from deep inside your belly. Legs like jelly, sweating, flooded with emotion and release, joy, passion, fire.

I was my father and my son, me you, everyone, everything, a dog, a cat, a cheetah paws licking, surveying the savannah, having fun, listening to everyone, seeing smiles spending whiles whiling away, energising, visualising, sendin love, showered.
Harder than I thought but easier too gone my friction in the form of frustration, that was blocking all elation, going with the flow, not having to know, think about, decide, going on this awesome ride, massaging here and there, there, there xxxxx

One for the little boy who lives down the lane

Got to tell a story and I'm doing it here because everything I am tells me to bare my soul and if the universe, or god, or whatever you want to call it keeps giving me opportunities to meet amazing people, sooner or later I've got to take that chance, accept that I am loved, can love, be a better person, stop living with guilt or heal from it so here goes...

When I was young there weren't many folks around, we live, I have lived in the middle of nowhere forever, on the edge of the woods, been the little boy who lives down the lane and then I met her a girl called Lane, or Max as I knew her.

I didn't know what flirting was, I was 20 and I was told I was flirting with this person, I was shocked, I just thought I was being nice ;) and then I got terrified.  I literally couldn't be in the same place, the same space, but was forced to be.

Our friends emotionally blackmailed me into getting together so we could sort it out as it was causing them enough grief to threaten me with violence if I didn't ;)

I've always loved to massage and when we got together after I asked her what she would say if I asked her out, and then after asking her what she would say, I asked her out ;) I performed without realising it, a Kundalini massage to the spine.

Whether this was something I was meant to do, to be there for others, to heal, to give others the comfort of relief from their pain it's a talent I've given freely.

It also draws on my deepest insecurities so it's come as no surprise to me that it happens quite naturally when my inhibitions are gone and so are theirs at parties.

This as far as I'm concerned set off a series of events in someone who was already troubled herself, had her own issues and fears and desperate need to connect, to trust, to be a better person, only it caused us to be torn apart because of it.

My fear caused us to split, it was all too much, my first relationship, first kiss, first everything and something happened that made me stay pushed away, made me recoil again, pull back, want to be as far away as I could get from my love.

We needed to be friends but she didn't want to be only that and I did at the time.

Years later I found out that the trauma, the reason for the healing to take place meant that her life was saved, she's an amazing woman and has love in her life.  I can't take credit for this, I wasn't around anymore we'd gone our separate ways, it was necessary for her to get to rock bottom and see that life was worth living.

That's a great feeling and the release for me was intense, knowing I'd made my decision and stuck to it, even though I'd listened to what others were telling me and it went against everything I felt deep in my heart that we should be together.

These days have been the worst I could imagine and they're not over, it takes a lot of courage to open up and every time I did it was too late, I'd become someone daring to love the people that were safe, those who I could never be with, to keep me from ever being hurt that badly again, or hurting someone that badly again.

Unreturned affection for friends became a habit that I've learned not to repeat...

Um not sure where this was going, so I'll end it by saying thanks for the lessons I've learnt, for the perspective I've been given to see all this after years of recrimination.

Forgiveness is something I had to give myself after forgiving every one else <3

Fight Club or 'You Met Me at a Very Strange Time of my Life'

You only get to do something for the first time once, like watching Fight Club...

Or finding yourself with friends near a gothic looking bridge under a railway line next to a muddy flash flooded river channel slap bang in the centre of a city having a free party and discovering...

It'll never be the same again, not if I go there, the wonder, the amusement, the slipping and sliding around in beautiful clay mud to go for a piss or to take in the sights, the secret sights of Bristol.

Met some great folks, a chance connection that means I could learn how to make fire.

In the traditional sense, not buying a disposable lighter but I could gain a new skill.

I plan to, if I can re-get-over my dislike for the telephone, the stuck feeling.

In that moment, where I have to press the dial button, wait for a reply.

That's the feeling of having no energy, not knowing the outcome.

The way that internally it's the same for me when its you.

I somehow managed to love talking to someone.

I talked too much, because I was nervous.

Or other factors I won't go into here.

The first rule of fight club is:-

You Do NOT Talk About Fight Club.

But back to the reason this has inspired me.

I would like to think that the government were on our side.

Then I remember they allow people to sell us poisons, they allow people to get away with business practises that don't take into account that the bottom line should be humans bodies not profit margins.

I can't go into that again, the product recall strategy, if it costs less to pay a few people off, if it costs less to do the wrong thing rather than the right one, they don't have to bother improving things.

We all breath the shared fuel fume tainted air onboard our holiday flight or whatever your excuse.

For getting into the cabin of an aeroplane and travelling somewhere on our weekends or holidays.

Often I don't mean things as definitely as I state them, I like to draw attention to the extremes of life.

That way when you realise where I'm wrong it doesn't matter, you're already there, at the truth.

I don't like the fact that I know someone reads my blog because it makes me temper what I'm saying.

Makes me self concious, at the same time I love the fact that someone somewhere reads it, whether it's because they are ambulance chasers, waiting for the car crash that my life has been, become, whatever...  Voyeurism, a desire to see if there's some value, some diamonds amongst the shit.

So it's a creative issue, must be for a lot of artists maybe that's why they're so fucked up.

I never wanted to fail at things, especially involving others, that way they're not collateral damage.

If I didn't have another go at something I was rubbish at at least I'd know the answer to that.

So funnily enough I went around Saturday night having another go at everything, into sunday, sleep deprived until I get home, a roast dinner being prepared, if I lived alone would I bother?  Says something about community, that what we have become is post industrial revolution slobs.

We worked the land, we were of the land, we were the chosen, the few, the survivors.

Of a long line of whatever it is we are, fallen angels, sleeping gods, men, women.

Apes relatives, the genetic experiment of an alien thingamajig, oojameflip.

Nonsense words, gobbledegook, old racial slurs, vibing on mistakes.

Ours of the past, those we will undoubtedly make from now on.

Some of us falling by the wayside, naturally so, unnaturally so.

A Million ways to die in the west, north, east and south of bits.

Spreading across the world as we are because no-one said no.

Except the chinese and those people that sterilised folks before.

You don't use it you lose it, it's been so long I couldn't sign my name.

I don't write with a pen anymore, not very often, ok I exaggerated.

I'm sure I was better at spelling but the machines do it for us now.

Usurping our role how long will it be before they replace us all?

Or we become transhuman?  Full of inorganic faux organic bits.

A replacement heart works but without a heart what is a person?

Do they feel the same, without those neurons within their core?

The heart sends more information to the brain than the brain does to the heart.

Pseudo science, spiritual nonsense that made so much sense before and again.

Spirit science, tales of atlantis, toth the atlantean, ancient egypt, nasca lines.

Where is it drawn into the world the real truth for us to find is it there at all?

Are we just rats in a maze, teaching rats to find their way around a maze?

Is that the point, of self discovery, to become god at a later date because.

Because well, because there's only one destination for us as a species?

After all we could destroy ourselves, ravage the planet until it can no longer support life like ours, until we've stretched natures oceans and river bank balances, the ecosystems to a point of no return?

At this rate, rather than be told not to have more than one child and encouraged to think about other forms of life more than whether between you as a couple you think three is a nice number, rather than being brought up to face the ways in which we have already screwed the pooch, damaged ourselves.

No instead of teaching the truth to the young, realising it ourselves, we're blind deaf and dumb.

Literally dumbing ourselves down, brain sized getting smaller since the farming thing we did.

Since we settled in one place, creating all industry, greed, politics, lots of man's inventions.

Womens' too I shouldn't let half of the population off the hook without being fair, equal.

Trodden under foot though and treated like second class citizens even after the blacks got the right to be thought of as people rather than chattels, evolving, fighting for our rights, our own autonomy.

Fighting for everything we've ever had, life itself, and still we puny, petty humans fall in line.

Cos it's easier than stressing ourselves out, because we're lead by fools and evil men.

Many don't think they can make a difference, so like sceptics they never see it.

For me now, meeting people who remember meeting me I feel like Tyler.

Or like the person who became Mr Durden in the film of the title of this blog entry.

I've come a long way and I have all sorts of things to thank for that and blame.

It keeps coming down to the same words I heard over and over like a record.

The perfect storm, Damned if you do, You've made your bed, thoughts.

Pelting me with guilt, survivors guilt for not having tried harder.

In some case for never having tried at all, going through motions, bowel movement.

Riffing now on the urge to see this world fall, the credit card companies buildings.

Like they do in Fight Club, someone takes a stand, maybe misguided, creating chaos but not a loss of life, most people in the developed world would be better off if the system fell apart, ok the stress of the gangs looting, the dwindling food supply, the long term pressure to find another way but yes.

Most would lose a few pounds they put on sitting on their asses doing nothing, literally nothing.

Consuming, food stuff designed to make you want more, designed to give you zero nutrition.

So that your body craves, actual real food, ya know the stuff that doesn't taste as nice.

It's sour, or there's no sweetness, our pallets, grown weak, favouring processed shit.

Unable to taste what our bodies scream out for, stuff that's good for us, to live.

Craving sugar, get a headache when you haven't had some, another when you have?

The best things for us, the greatest medecine is often the most foul tasting, like the truth.

Sometimes we have to go through pain, like childbirth, to create something wonderful, like life.

I wonder at the people who face it, could I, would I, relate to someone nearly dying, more than sex.

Sex is a mini death itself, it's one of the most stressful things you can put your body through.

Well, that's orgasm, that's the physical stress of fucking I'm talking about, taking something.

Giving yourself a present,  I'd like to make a distinction, sex is about your cum, pleasure.

Making love is about giving love, giving the other person the time of their life and you?

Well you get yours because that's their goal, not to cum, together, separately, whatever.

We've degenerated into users of toys, don't listen to them, they don't add anything.

They are merely aids to masterbation, whether he's dildoing your clit or not.

Chasing a better cum, a longer orgasm, that fake way they don't look.

They don't look in each others eyes when they fuck, not really.

Because they don't have a connection, they don't love...

Perversion of a beautiful truth, typo was beautifuk.

Could be freudian i'm going with next door keys.

Anyway even if you all knew anyone well enough to be making love as I've described the difference, you'd still wanna fuck because tantra is something Sting does to Trudi Styler and he says he feels like a 20 something at 50 something because of yoga, but that's just another posh expensive catch on fad.

Maybe we're turning a corner, as I suspect things have gotten so bad, some of us are trying what worked before, there have always been bad apples that fell not so far from the tree of life.

In the garden of our past, maybe all fables, myths and legends really are based on a seed.

A small seemingly insignificant part of the story that was true one day in the past.

Driving me to distraction from the monotony of my search for work again.

Claiming from the state, allowing me to become mobile again so...

I have to be grateful for the gesture, for the support, the help.

It's coming to a head and some day, one day soon, yep.

Something gonna happen to make it clear to all.

Not just the canaries like me going out of our tiny minds, with worry for africans who don't have clean running water, they all need to be like us, can I afford to donate £6 $6 to come together with others everywhere who see it, or like me have faced death, faced hell, and heaven and chosen.

I choose to keep on going, to be a mixture of old habits and new ones, trying to change.

Attempting to escape the inertia, I know the feeling, it's like knowing something.

But being unable to express it, like a fading dream, maybe I'm not a canary.

Maybe my desire to go off grid, but use hospitals if necessary actually.

Maybe my feeling that I should be dying maybe younger from a tough but worthy life, that I could be free from the burden of bills, debts, reasons to stay chained to jobs I'm going to hate, to the seconds as they build, when I'm just an employee and I have nothing to do, or something so inane it kills me.

I choose to learn skills useful to a natural human, making fire, stone walling, build a fucking house.

Not spend the rest of my life paying some cunt in a suit for one, with money I earn, to pay back the number they created on a computer when they entered in the details of my death duty, my mortgage.

Funny I always had the notion that I didn't repeat myself, but the themes these days seem familiar.

Familial, aunt in hospital after heart surgery, that will extend her life, so grateful for her family.

To the doctors, even the surgeons who training fighting instinct is to see a body as a machine.

Just spare parts and useless primordial vestigial, aw shucks I was hoping it was festigial.

A festival of moral high ground and low points all on display for us to be drawn to.

It got to the point that I found the core of me, the survival mechanism, the real me?

I don't know but it acts in the best interests of others but thinks about itself, narcissist.

Daft fucker who always felt ugly, having any self respect at all seems like a joke, but this?

Actually resonating between judging others based on their appearance, in public and this?

Is it encoded, is it just me, was I entrained to think this way about lovely human beings?

-

Glad it's raining, it always makes me feel, at this time of year, this weather, like a fungi

Sorry psilocybin semilanceata joke, you had to be there, like our ancestors, who tasted

They got the best bite out of life you could possibly experience, nearly dying each day

Knowing that any type of injury could be life threatening but living like a tiger or lion

Literally unscathed by fear like an animal, literally an animal, knowing our place here

Unable to comprehend, living on instinct, unsentient, not thinking for ourselves only

less selfish, more connected, the rough and the smooth, lives saved by mobile phone

Swings and roundabouts, should I stay or should I go now?  If I go there will be

trouble, if I stay it will be double, but you've got to let me know, I've got to.

Got to Got to Got to try a little tenderness, now i'm just spouting lyrics

So best to sign off here before I end up paying royalties, oh dear

don't get me started on those who sit atop our great pyramid

the ones who do their best but are the very poster child

the poster boys and girls of the haves who leave us

as have nots, not because we're undesserving

but because for some of us to be poor

some of us have to be rich

that's the conundrum
hear the countdown
snap back t' reality
or whatever this
place is really
a trap of our
own design
a test that
creates
gods
I don't fucking know
all i can do is try to
learn more while
I'm here, give
a little love
when I
can
x

Selling ourselves short - long playing record

I'm hooked on a television show, as I don't watch t.v. anymore I'm watching it online and I shouldn't be bothering because to be honest it isn't very good, it's deliberately shocking, overly gruesome, the science in the show is so inaccurate as to be misleading and dangerously so if anyone based their life on what it purports to be the truth in any way shape or form.  Yet this show was made, it survived its first series, or season if you are in the states, where it was made.  The first run was awful, it stretches the need to put aside your sense of disbelief more than almost anything I've ever seen, you really do have to and I can't remember the words, but it's very far fetched to say the least, it's beyond the fringe.

It's called Fringe, and the actors do their best, in fact it's the prostitution of them that I am referring to here, the fact that many of them appearing in the show, obviously have to work to live, to do their job, to keep on acting, to do the profession that they love, many times over they must have to do things that aren't very good, even if they can do their best, the scripts are bad, the production poor, the show itself this show, I kinda love it, I want to know where it's going even though the lead character I don't rate her as an actress, I liked something the leading man was in, and the other male character is great.

I want to quickly blame the system itself, the television networks, the product placement, the advertisers, executives, the short deadlines for the writers, the creative stress rather than the joy.

Instead of something coming from the imagination over time, it is produced, by many minds, pulled in many directions at once, sell yourself to these age groups, be this, be that, demographics...

So I'm hooked on this show and watching every episode knowing that it's over now, it's in the can.

I feel for anyone who acts, I could never have handled the rejection, the pressure, or at least that is how I feel even though I'm a natural performer, when my inhibitions are gone it comes out of me.

I have suffered from stage fright when it comes to life itself, my inner turmoil, my doubts rule.  They've lead me not to try to do things I would dearly have loved to, lead me here to this living death.  This stage of life where I'm going through the motions, like an ageing actor dying on stage.

My role is a supporting one now that I've come back from the brink of quitting all the world, having to play on, finding ways to do that, ways to try to right the wrongs within the script of my life.

I saw the back stage goings on, or thought I did and I've learnt so much that I can't reconcile the difference between the real world and the world of movies and television because you see a film like 'A Beautiful Mind' or 'Into the wild' purports to be based on a true story but fails to tell the truth.

In many cases there are many stories that could be said to be the true truth, many perspectives on the same subject, many people with their own versions of events and only all of those would make sense.

The truth of Into the wild for instance, has come to light as new information has been discovered.

It's the story of a young man, disenfranchised with a life of ease, who went 'into the wild' and died.

The guy was possibly suffering from mental disturbances, now from my point of view much of the wrongs in this world are actually not personal illness but a sickness of the planet itself and that what we think of and see as mental illness in individuals is really just symptoms of an insane world.

But I would say that wouldn't I?  Because I am too in that vane, wishing to get away from the modern world, wanting to find a niche without the modern conveniences and stresses, away from all the prodding and poking by physicians, the products that are addictive and damaging, the companies that get away with doing things today that if our species survives and thrives for years to come will be realised as injurious to our very health, our spiritual well being and of benefit to few but businesses.

We will learn what a mistake the last century or so has been, if not the last several, progress for progress sake, leading us all down a cul de sac, a dead end of historic proportions even.

What actually happened to this guy in the wild was that he didn't have enough food, and in his weakened state, what he was subsisting on, caused a fatal, terminal situation that killed him.

Within the seeds that he was eating large quantities of, was a poison, I forget the scientific name, but it created a paralysis to come over him that made it impossible for the guy to hunter gather anymore.

He literally couldn't get out of his situation, to get help, even if he wanted to and what he was eating wasn't poisonous as some people have surmised, he didn't eat the wrong plant, because he was stupid, he didn't eat something that would have killed him except because of his already weakened state.

It was only when complicated scientific tests were done on the seeds that a component of them was discovered that is only relevant to this whole story when it comes to a case like his, like eating the stones in fruits that in large enough quantities releases cyanide, like in some wild fruits in the u.k.

The whole movie was predicated on the fact that if you go out into the wild you will die, because even experts can't tell the difference between one plant and another, the same myth is spread about mushrooms, and idiots  do eat the wrong ones every year and die but they were idiots or accidents.

Living in harmony with nature and learning about the fruits and wonders she has in store is safe.

We did it for thousands if not millions of years, we had an innate wisdom that came from our connection to her, to the mother that made our very lives possible and we still do, can do.

That is what I wish for myself, only that, to live like that, to reconnect, to love living like that.

It's a long playing record, this story that I keep on telling in different ways and it makes me feel as though I may go on telling the same one over and over for the rest of my days...  That might be worthwhile because I have found that to break the spell of the modern world one has to repeat yourself over and over until people start listening, break the habit of a lifetime :) xxxxx

Imagine

Every thing in this world was either there to begin with or was created by us.

Using our imagination, we can project ourselves into the future and make it.

From the Wright brothers engineering something to get them airborne after many others had had similar ideas in the past, technology has allowed us to go in many different directions at once...

In good ways and bad, from medicines to nuclear bombs we've grown and changed this planet.

In each case someone had an idea, often at the same time in different parts of the world without necessarily knowing about each other, a person imagined a new reality, a new thing and made it.

Our imaginations allow us to dream into existence new ways of being in this life and it changes us.

When a new life is brought into this world, it learns from those around it, from a fawn to a human child, there is the innate knowledge within each organism that it uses to survive and grow and there is also what we are taught.  So we come into this life and find a world already here, already running.

What if each of us however, were creating the world around us, living within a bubble of reality.

Each one either following the trend or using their own energy to make a new world around them.

What if it was possible for each of us to create a new world where almost anything was possible?

In simple ways if we choose to ignore what we are told and get on with life making our own choices, can't we actually discover that the world is completely different to the one we learn about?

It might be a poor example but if I had listened only to what I was told about my local area I may never have experienced what the rest of the world was actually like, if I had decided based on what I heard about the nearest town to me, I may never have ventured out into it and had so many wonderful experiences and likewise the rest of the world, we hear often terrible things and only those because that is what the media reports, they tell us about the deaths of people we didn't know, the disasters in foreign countries.   Now from the perspective of empathy that is a good thing, it makes us feel connected to the rest of the world in ways that wasn't possible as easily before but it also makes us constantly afraid for our own lives for no good reason.  I stopped watching the news for this reason, when something becomes an issue someone else brings it up, when it comes close to home.

Take that example and turn it into a vision of the world itself, the ways in which so many people are going against the grain, going a different route to the one their forebears chose, deciding to live in various ways, as the stresses on this planet become more obvious it is time for many to do so.

Evolution and mutation made each creature fit into niches in the environment and their offspring to either thrive or die based on the changes that were happening at that period in time, we all had to live and die based on whether we were healthy, whether we had good eyesight, natural selection made it easier for evolution to flow.  Modern medicine as good as it is, actually makes it possible for those who would previously have died of things like cancer, to survive and pass on their genes to the next generation.  As a species we have diverted from where nature would have taken us because of technology, because of our bigger brains and ability to think about the fact that we are alive.

Unlike many other animals, and animals we are, we alone in terms of our impact on the world have become somewhat of a cancer ourselves, we are like cells within a giant organism that are growing unchecked, rather than living within the confines of the environment and being predated like others.

When the rabbits are plentiful so are the foxes, when the rabbit population crashes so do their predators, however we have been able to mold the places we live in to provide us with food to the detriment of the other species.  Every other living thing does so in harmony with the rhythms of nature.  So it's almost as if this is a stage of development that happens on any world where life comes into existence and it's a theory that goes something like this :-

If life occurs on a world, it will get to a stage of technological development where it destroys itself.

Or reverts to living in harmony with the planet it was born on, in harmony with the environment.

I'm suggesting that although technology has done many good things it has brought us here.

To a side road, a detour, a fork, a diversion, actually a perversion because of dominance.

In a herd of deer and every other species of group living animals the herd decides.

I've spoken of this before, unlike what you might hear or have been told.

In the herd, there is a natural democracy, the stags do not rule.

We are ruled by the stags of our herd, and it's killing us.

Unless or until the herd chooses the way forward?

We're going to end up starving in huge numbers.

We will die off in a huge disastrous tragedy.

All the stags are interested in is dominating, rutting and passing on their genes.  They think only of themselves, are unnaturally driven to do so, but unlike the stags our leaders actually think they are better than the rest of us, because they were groomed for their position, educated to think they are above us, better placed to make decisions for us all, when in reality without them we would be in a far better state than we are today.  They war with others who don't agree with them rather than making peace, some conflict is inevitable but most of it in this world is designed, planned.

What is happening today, in many place because of this is a new way of living, being.

People are choosing to be more like nature, choosing to live in harmony again.

Whether it's because the right choices are obvious because of the stresses.

Whether it's because they feel something in the air, can sense a change.

For whatever reason, many are going forward with nature, evolving.

They are resolute and right in their decision to do so and loving it.

Many may well die in the years that face us as a species but some won't because they know, they are part of a movement, to go back to nature and forward with her at the same time, to relearn the old ways, to prevent illness not to treat it, by living closer to the source of what made our lives possible in the first place, they live well and don't miss the trappings of the modern world at all really.

For me this is proof that the world will change for the better, whatever it seems like to us.

However bad things get, however many of us die off as a result of our pride, the lies.

I see the reality bubbles that these souls live in as a new reality being created.

A Hopi prophesy says that if you are not connected to nature you will perish.

I believe this is true, I believe that the world around us is partly our creation.

It is a place affected by what we take out into it, by what we project as well.

So we have to decide what we wish to see in the world and be that change.

Imagine a way to change the world for the better, for yourself and others.

That is the choice that faces each of us in this time, to go with the flow.

Or to be swept off your feet as the pace of change overwhelms us all.

Those who choose to ignore the direction chosen by the stags live.

Nature is not cruel, she's fair, we have our own free will, our say.

The mistake is to think any one of us is any more important,

than any other, that we are anything other than living cells,

within a giant chrysalis only now becoming a butterfly.

For Better or For Worse

Back and Forth, as though it would be easy to find an answer, one over-riding truth to it all...

I was of the opinion that the church, roman catholic, protestant christian, whatever the flavour, the business that it is, they are, were more like the money changers of the bible than anything else...

Merely a method of control, a way of taking what little money the poor majority have and passing it up the steps of the pyramid to the richer folks at the top to do with as they will and so they did.

Temptation comes into it of course, power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely or so I've heard it said and on it goes the story of us, how we began is unclear and on it goes this story of ours.

Were we merely animals who became men and women, is there a missing link, were we created?

From scratch as it were, from wood, like puppets, from clay like statues, from the ribs of men?

So the church for me was not the best, okay their morals are worth listening to, commandments also.

After all it isn't a good thing to steal, or murder, or covet what is not yours and the other rules too.

They make a lot of sense, in some ways I see the point of marrying, creating a strong bond between two people, making it so that it keeps people to a structure, giving society a formal shape together.

Love does seem to cause an awful lot of issues though, maybe love is the wrong word, because unrequited love isn't the same thing I'm talking about, it's more like the love of a family member.

The unconditional love that you feel for someone even when they disappoint you, for a pet because they love you no matter what and you love them even when they shit on the carpet or puke in the hall.

This world is made up of so much pain and love and everything inbetween and the free will of all.

We can choose to invest in making this place better or worse, to make an effort to do so too.

I've heard a lot about whether the church itself is evil, after all they killed so many who disagreed with them, they literally accused anyone who held their own beliefs of heresy, er that's so close to heresay, I have only just noticed that, maybe some more study needed, why am I so driven to know?

Is it that over the years things have been said to me, have happened to me to make it so?

That is true, between the time a couple of friends saw me and I appeared to be something else.

Least said soonest mended, but I looked for all the world to them both to be the devil.

I've had my own experience of projecting onto someone, or seeing them as such.

I laid there and waited for my skull to be bashed in, I said as much inside.

Internally I stated, I will never renounce love do as you will to me.

I survived, I've been in the company of people others would never trust or be around, was I foolish to get myself into those situations or did I have some internal reasoning behind it, perhaps I never thought, I've started to see myself as someone who has been blinded to so many things because to see them would be to see myself in a different light, to open up to pulling back all my tethers from others.

So the church for me meant a place I have loved to be for my own space and time, I have visited many, in the local area, I find the places very peaceful as I go when no-one else is there, in Spain I found myself drawn to visiting the churches, I went to mass occasionally, in the cathedral in Burgos with friends, I went to the pilgrim mass in Roncesvalles abbey when I arrived on the Spanish side of the pyrenees and the three or four ancient looking monks there made me cry their singing was such.

I saw the church as a way to make people conform but the underlying message isn't a bad one, treat others as you would like to be treated, what it does do though is make for a structure that many can't stick to, marriage seems to be a difficult way to live for many, or perhaps we are weak, weaker...

Maybe humanity is going downhill, for certain in ways we have gone so, some places on earth.

Many places are better, light is being shone on areas of life that have gone unnoticed for years.

Modern slavery is being highlighted, all over the world it's possible for stories to come to the attention of someone else who knows where, from one side of the world to the other it can happen that something can be done about things that in the past would never have even been noticed.

It's this whole idea of the world getting better and worse at the same time, for one or the other.

So then there's this whole idea that actually, the snake in the garden of eden, was a good thing.

That the god, the creator of this place, whether in luciferian lore or gnostic gospels whatever.

Between the two, there is the thought, story that our bodies or this reality are a trap to keep us.

That we are gods in our own right, that we ought not to be held here, reborn here, whatever.

Between all those different viewpoints it makes a case for the whole lot of religion to be confusing at best and a vicious cycle at worst, no wonder there are so many takes on all of this nonsense.

In the middle of it all are the humans, not sure who they are, why they are here, what to do.

Full of temptations, bad habits, learnt and passed on, ways to turn towards or away from.

From a love that seems to be to me and I hope I can oneday find some, but nature loves.

Nature yes can be cruel, but we are a part of it, of her, so what's is to be done? Yes?

Does anyone want to know the spiritual truth of it all, are we spirits in a body?

Are we souls incarnated, literally in meat, chilli con carne, with meat?

Maybe we're all just fodder for the gods, a great experiment.

Let's see how the dice roll, how the chips fall this time.

Start the ball rolling and see how they do alone.

The gods took a step back and left us to it.

For better or for worse is what we are.

I've said no-one is all good or

all bad so i have to choose

to try to be one or the

other more or less

i choose for

a better

love

x