I Just Wanna Feel

Real Love

Last night was one of the worst in my life, not really, you see I've been pulling a splinter from my mind and like a vortex or a plughole or anything that repeats itself and tightens as you get closer to the edge of darkness, the void, rock bottom, the event horizon of a black hole, as you get there the sense is of coming to terms, the feeling is one of having to experience for me all the emotions I never did, all the pent up self hatred, the lack of self love, the inability to feel anything, a lack of loving truth.  That night, last night wasn't that bad, I chatted, I danced, I saw loads of great folks, I learnt things, I saw things, like the bloke arguing with himself, the drunk guy who looked sad being consoled and walked home or wherever by his mate, the other sights on a night out in a town.

The best moment was when I was leaving and I realised that I didn't know the way home and I burst into laughter on my own in the car because I would usually be heading to the after party to get wasted.  On this occasion and don't get me wrong, it was a good night, great atmosphere, just a lack of connection and that's what I've been struggling with and I only had a couple of pints but felt energy.  I did some healing so I managed to be the best me that I am when I am just being good.

The truth I've been struggling with, over the last few years is accepting the darker aspects, the deeper levels of who I am, stretched  as I have been, to experience and see the true limits of what I can be.

I've been spread thin like too little butter on bread and that is a good thing because in the past I sought to hide from everything and everyone, I sought shelter and relief from being concious and now I feel as though I'm going through all the things I didn't want to see, hear, feel so it's a good thing.  To me it seems as though our lives are our karma, our lives are meant to include all the things that happen to us, in order for on the small scale of a short human lifetime for us to make choices, to choose a different route to the ones we may have navigated in the past, to bring together in a small way the lives we have lived if we have before, to draw a conclusion if we choose to go with our instincts, if we have, make the time, for me I've made working on myself a priority and that takes up so much energy but it's necessary because what follows is a larger more expansive version of this.

As though when we die, we go one way or the other, we go higher, to realms of unimaginable beauty and ugliness, that there is another world, worlds, as though we are rehearsing eternity in this short space we call our life, as though we can choose because of our free will to do so or ignore the call.

So as I face the pain I've caused, I've ignored, as I face myself and am able to see where I've gone wrong, as painful as it is, I am being given a chance to change my tune, to sing a different song.

This life is so interesting, and rather than shy away, it's necessary for me to accept the entirety of who I can be, to find greater depths of courage, to see the truth of the massive beings we really are in order to keep making the right choices, to keep waiting and hoping, to keep letting, allowing this pain to be felt, so that it can dissipate, so that in the end joy can emerge and I hope I'm not disappointing too many people, I hope I'm not being too much of a party pooper, but this road is mine to travel.