Starting From Scratch

Getting off to sleep can be an issue, I find that period of the evening difficult, ideas come to me, things I probably ought to have given some consideration during the day, there's a song about it, turn out the light, turn off the light, I forget, it's about inspiration coming when you would prefer a break.

I often found late at night to be a source of my writing, lots of thoughts would come together, crystallise, wow I didn't think you spelt crystalise like that, my english is really going to pot.

In my writing I would find a line, a song, something that would spark the creativity, and like a lot of artists, my down times, depressed times, the negative times, the harshest periods in my life would often be a great source of inspiration, I almost see my blog as having been a cry for help, from myself right back at me.  Almost as if I wrote it all not for others as I had thought but to try to wake me up.

All the stuff about thinking you're protecting yourself from getting hurt, emotionally, physically even by playing life safe but actually all you're doing is making sure you never get anything good either.

SO!  All the times when I would listen to the little sparks of imagination and inspiration and stay up late like now, like tonight and put it down to a necessary part of whatever it was I was doing it all for?

I have to say that maybe that was all bollocks, because I've learnt that I don't need to live like that.

Or at least going through what I've been through over the last three years or so has taught me a lot.

Some of which like keeping good habits, I have found means I don't need to be so hard on myself.

I can ignore the little voice.  I can just go to bed and sleep on things, or try to even if I can't drop off.

I find it hard to switch off, hard to lay there and relax and naturally fall asleep, maybe that's why my cannabis habit helped so well, it makes for so much more of the sleepy chemical going round inside.

It literally makes you sleepy, melatonin, or melonin, one makes your skin tan one makes you sleep.

I forget the difference now, but I've also been an unashamed sun worshipper too, i liked having a tan.

I was very self concious about my appearance, I didn't plan to write about that but here it comes out.

As a side salad to the main course of the flow of whatever it was I wanted to, was lead to write about.

I guess, it's the process again, whatever is going on, that I could either liken to mental health issues.

Or believe is a process, an evolution within me, something going on for others too, an honesty trap.

As though the world itself was going through a change, an evolution too and all of us with it if we try.

If we're honest enough to let it happen, make it happen, willing to do so and get with the program.

Some say these are important times, possibly the most important ever on this earth, this planet.

Some say that this is the most important time to be alive, a chance, an opportunity of some kind.

That it's a great privilege to be here, well I knew that anyway, i won a huge odds lottery to be here.

Blah blah six weeks early, premature, immature, the old tale of woe that I tell when questioned.

Been there done that but we all are so very lucky to be alive, to have come to this place, now.

So I have been through a reconnection, that felt to me like psychosis, psychotic looping.

Connecting to nature, feeling like a burden for her. the mother earth, feeling unworthy.

Knowing I don't want to hurt a fly but all sorts of aggression I didn't know I had coming out.

Having thoughts I didn't recognise as my own, or coming from me, internally, so yes.

A difficult time, this year especially, I really didn't want to be here at all you see.

Came closest to not wanting to be here at all, but still not selfish enough to end it all.

Still never that down, that depressed, but not enough energy to be a good person.

Not enough feeling to do the right thing by others, seemed to me anyway.

Seemed as though I have no love, feel no love, or know what it is.

Others have told me in the past that they love me, I said it back.

But can I say that I felt it, I didn't, not right away I didn't.

I wondered is there something wrong with me?

I thought it took longer for me to feel that, to connect with others, because of my misgivings.

Because of a problem with my birth, my start in life, maybe I'm no good at connecting.

At bonding with others, making relationships, I hold myself back, my heart too.

Maybe that was the problem, I find it hard to trust, relax, touch, be with.

Maybe, but I had to ask myself am I a sociopath, am I incapable?

I've cried an awful lot, reconnected to  a lot of hurts inside.

Wept uncontrollably but felt that they were crocodile tears at the time.

Or at least I didn't feel that I had the right to have those feelings.

I would like to think that I've broken through, that I do feel.

That it is some kind of internal mechanism, some barrier.

Some reason, that I hold back, rather than feeling it.

Whatever it is that others feel and lately I see it.

I see the way that other talk to each other.

I know that I stay away I don't have the same interest in human contact, I am skeptical about others, about the way they live their lives, about the things that people say, about the things they feel, as though I am some kind of impostor, seeing the things they say as lies to cover their own lack of feeling, I'm not sure what I'm getting at now, or if I'm saying it right, explaining it well, but at this point I usually let the words out and hope that whatever is coming out from deep inside makes sense.

So yes as my senses seem to come back to me, tasting things again, whatever I did to save myself from pain a long long time ago, seems to be a damned dam that's breaking, as though I'm finally letting people, emotions, sensations in, I would like to say it extends to previous lives too.

As if I could sense that I've been here before and suffered before too, good and bad times.

A long history and herstory of lives past, of having been here many times before.

I can only surmise and guess at whether that is true, or any of the feelings.

I know I wish it was to make my own life lessons less painful, hurtful.

To make me, give me more of an excuse for being less of a man.

To allow me to feel less guilty for the ways I have failed.

Even though guilt is a major obstacle I have faced.

Will face for the rest of my days because.

Because I hold back scared to act.

I let opportunities come and go.

Because I'm afraid of failing.

An old pattern, how old?

I may not know yet.

Until I die.

For now.

I'm ok.

Here.

xxx