commune i cation

i thought up some of these words in the bath now to flesh them out and see what it turns into now i've got to stick them together into some form of communication
given that i find this the easiest and best way to get my point across in a note, a letter or something more akin to documentation ;) so here goes I'm repeating myself because i've spent some time on all these issues in the past and now again as they come back to haunt me with so many other things like the future the past the now and so many memories and to put this into words is my way of facing things like people who i find it difficult to speak to personally, face to face like maybe it's my throat chakra, or some kind of inbuilt cowardice, a lack of socialisation, or practise or some other thing to do with bonding, attachment etc

I have a different relationship to the word attraction than you do possibly
I feel that if you only looked it up and read the definition in the dick shun ary
you'd see what i see and feel because i'm coming out of hibernation literally
i've been trying to be reborn as someone new with some of the parts of me
back and some sent into hiding, seclusion, that thing you do, ah yes coventry
so yeah for me attraction means being drawn to someone or something, okay
it means i have something to offer them, not in that way, don't be so dirty
for me it means less about the sex sells way that the world has been pointing
far far less about the pointy bits, round bits, the general addiction to fucking
that we all suffer from because of the titillation in the media, films, ads and t.v.
that keeps us in a constant state of excitation for no reason just to make us pay
make us do things that we don't really feel like doing when we're being, honestly
later on when we get home from making our latest purchase or one night thingy
i don't have any judgement to make on the ways that people choose to live really
that's up to them but I have to be honest, since I haven't done it since 92 or 93
my life hasn't, doesn't revolve around that thing you do, that we call sex, baby
lately though some part of me has awoken and instead of being content to look
for a pretty smile, nice eyes, hair, personality, I've been consumed by boobs n bums
tight little tums, shapely legs, firm thighs, all of the things that constitute a woman
on top of the usual things that attract me to someone, like if we get on, if we like
each other, to be in the same room for any length of time, so I can see the appeal
i know that the need for intimacy has come back to me and that it's very real
and that's all we all want surely isn't it, as much as a quick fuck, it's a kiss
to be with someone we really care about, who cares for us too, that bliss
that comes with sharing moments together and enjoying them as much as hours
time flying fast because we enjoy it so much that it passes by before we realise
and so i have to integrate this new me with the old and make a single self though
try not to get involved until that process is more complete, until I am and then
maybe i can carry on being a friend to all and an enemy of as few as none
go out into the world, say hi, seeing pain and letting them feel they're not the only one
as i always do, making sure to cheer up the miserable, and share the laughs too
so in closing wondering if this has any closeness to the version i had in my head
i have to say i enjoy this process, it comes out in a stream and i write that instead
i go back and read it through or just leave it wondering am i exposing too much?
again, feeling so open, so bare, so desperately expressing something there
and finally i can leave it all up to you now as i'm finished this whatever it is
i can hopefully not fall over as often as i have in the past, mistaking the love
that i have, for someone else's for me, you see when we love someone it doesn't end when we're not together anymore, not true love, the love that ends, in disaster or some kind of acrimony is the type that wasn't love in the first place, an addiction to getting love from the other person, when what we should be doing is giving it away constantly, giving our love to everyone and not caring who gives it back so much, i hope i havent ruined this now by carrying on, rambling on, let's see, i love you x