One for the little boy who lives down the lane

Got to tell a story and I'm doing it here because everything I am tells me to bare my soul and if the universe, or god, or whatever you want to call it keeps giving me opportunities to meet amazing people, sooner or later I've got to take that chance, accept that I am loved, can love, be a better person, stop living with guilt or heal from it so here goes...

When I was young there weren't many folks around, we live, I have lived in the middle of nowhere forever, on the edge of the woods, been the little boy who lives down the lane and then I met her a girl called Lane, or Max as I knew her.

I didn't know what flirting was, I was 20 and I was told I was flirting with this person, I was shocked, I just thought I was being nice ;) and then I got terrified.  I literally couldn't be in the same place, the same space, but was forced to be.

Our friends emotionally blackmailed me into getting together so we could sort it out as it was causing them enough grief to threaten me with violence if I didn't ;)

I've always loved to massage and when we got together after I asked her what she would say if I asked her out, and then after asking her what she would say, I asked her out ;) I performed without realising it, a Kundalini massage to the spine.

Whether this was something I was meant to do, to be there for others, to heal, to give others the comfort of relief from their pain it's a talent I've given freely.

It also draws on my deepest insecurities so it's come as no surprise to me that it happens quite naturally when my inhibitions are gone and so are theirs at parties.

This as far as I'm concerned set off a series of events in someone who was already troubled herself, had her own issues and fears and desperate need to connect, to trust, to be a better person, only it caused us to be torn apart because of it.

My fear caused us to split, it was all too much, my first relationship, first kiss, first everything and something happened that made me stay pushed away, made me recoil again, pull back, want to be as far away as I could get from my love.

We needed to be friends but she didn't want to be only that and I did at the time.

Years later I found out that the trauma, the reason for the healing to take place meant that her life was saved, she's an amazing woman and has love in her life.  I can't take credit for this, I wasn't around anymore we'd gone our separate ways, it was necessary for her to get to rock bottom and see that life was worth living.

That's a great feeling and the release for me was intense, knowing I'd made my decision and stuck to it, even though I'd listened to what others were telling me and it went against everything I felt deep in my heart that we should be together.

These days have been the worst I could imagine and they're not over, it takes a lot of courage to open up and every time I did it was too late, I'd become someone daring to love the people that were safe, those who I could never be with, to keep me from ever being hurt that badly again, or hurting someone that badly again.

Unreturned affection for friends became a habit that I've learned not to repeat...

Um not sure where this was going, so I'll end it by saying thanks for the lessons I've learnt, for the perspective I've been given to see all this after years of recrimination.

Forgiveness is something I had to give myself after forgiving every one else <3