That was so lastyear!

Often I do things to see what they're like.  Say for instance the time I went with an old pal to a Premiership Football game for the first time.  Long story shortish, we went up by train, went to a pub, snorted coke off the cistern of a disgusterous toilet, had pints and shots and made the game at White Hart Lane, My team Tottingham (ask Ozzie he knows ;) were against Bolton and I can't even remember if we won.  Saw Aaron Lennon work his magic though and that awesome keeper Jaskelinen (I know it's spelt wrong proberly).  Went to the pub afterwards and had to run cos the clocks in there were set wrong deliberately and almost missed our train home.  What a day!  An adventure of high quality and now that I know how coke is produced (a massive ecological disaster for the Rain Forest) I don't and won't be going there again although tbh it's a shit 'ole of a drug anyways.  The result was that I haven't been to see a game again cos I've done that already like.

As for last year, and it was sooooooo last year wunnit!  I did fesitvals and parties outdoor and it was gert lush but also when I got to the start of this one I was like, ok done all that big style and now I don't really feel like I need to.  I would dearly love to make one of the Tribe outdoor parties though, so maybe I will.

Also on my mind fairly early in twentytwelve was turning 40 in december, on the eleventh a mere ten days afore the 21st and the whole solstice thang too!

Haven't given it all that much thought since cos birthdays really aren't that big a deal for me, I get more excited for other people cos they actually celebrate theirs and I had a party for my 35th for all my friends, just before and knowing that I was going to go away and say goodbye to most of them, probly forever as they all drink too much and that lead to blackouts, car crashes and all sorts of general disgusterousness on my part.  Embarrasssment for weeks afterwards and the fallout involved.

There are many quotes and anecdotes from my past that others love to remind me of:-

"Too much too soon."  The time I got back from a holiday (the only time I would go without a smoke of dope) and imbibed both drink and then smokes and proply puked me guts up in the village hall car park.

"It was like a bomb going off!".  Said by a woman who had recently moved to our village from Northern Ireland.  I was walking past her house with friends to go to the rec, the playing field, where we'd hang out or where I'd park so as not to enter the village or have to drive on the main road as the lane from ours meets it just after there, or in this case cos my car was a right orf cos I'd crashed into hers the night before, wrecking her 306 in what was quite possibly one of the main reasons I grew to dislike myself anywhere near too much booze for the last time.  They moved away quite quickly I believe :(  My bad

"I haven't got a car for the summer now!"  When my beautifully crap Mitsy with the power and economy stick on the dash, that made no difference to fuel use, blew bits of engine all over the road after I forgot (didn't know) you had to put oil in them from time to time to keep them running at all, if not smoothly.

So I've lived but mostly through making massive mistakes have I learnt anything...

I guess being the kind of person easily lead, by peers younger than me, although everyone assumed it were me leading them wasn't the way to get on.  At all ;)

I've got reams of stories like that, that I haven't heard for ages and don't really like being reminded of, unless it's me reminding myself of them like this.  Although I have finally over the course of the last few years learnt to laugh at myself, always either taking myself way too seriously or not at all.  Flip flopping from goody goody to going with the dangerously errant flow of joinging in with whatever others are up to.

I also tend to be a social butterfly and that's lead me into areas where I spread myself thinly, partly cos I always assumed I became annoying if I was too ever present, that whole inferiority complex and general lack of deep down confidence in who I am, and that person being good, or worthwhile.

I've disproved that so well over the last years, but still deep down there was / is a nag.

I've done things I'm really not proud of, even recently, fixated on silly little things that I knew weren't right but didn't have the impulse control at the time, whether cos I was slowly rebecoming a little nuts or cos I was suffering and by self destructing.

I had too many things going on and now virtually none.

Just a few close friends, although I have many, but trying to concentrate on nice things I can do with them not out partying.  The issue I have is that I'm a cowardly little freak and then I get confident and it's all up for grabs.

I start getting over confident or losing my focus.  I blame the drugs I've been overusing somewhat.

When I am out partying and in the right frame of mind, and usually that's without any help except maybe a little alcohol early in the evening as I often have to drive myself there alone anyway so I have to be good.  I end up targeted by older women who want to mother me sometimes, not a problem although I'm just not interested beyond being a good friend to everyone I meet.  People, strangers mostly and friends too mind, often love to tell me their life stories and I them, mine.  Or I'm a counsellor for a complete stranger in those quiet moments, or I end up going from person to person getting to know each a little better each time.

I love helping others in any way I can, I'm not just after sex cos I never wanted to do that with someone I didn't love, or a cheap thrill, although a nice snog is such a miss in my own game of battleships, so the vibe I give off is safe.

Massaged some old bloke who wanted me to sniff his poppers, it didn't go anywhere cos I haven't experienced women nearly enough yet to want to go for guys and not even sure I'm interested.  I turned down the poppers, and thinking about it my comment that "My Sphincter is nice and relaxed already without thanks" probly wasn't the smartest thing to say, his reply "I'm glad to hear it".  ;)  He did start stroking my thigh, but I let him have that even if it wasn't going anywhere else.  It's gentle and fun to flirt but I find it so much easier with people I'm NOT interested in having anything else to do with.

Not to say I didn't talk to some gorgeous women at that after party too,although I get so jazzed and nervous once I realise they might actually like me too that it can cause me some distress, although I haven't honestly met anyone I like as much as the person I met last October.  The six months since then, I would say have been the fallout of exhausting myself last year.

I came down to earth with such a bang it's still smarting my yudd now (head in cotswold slang)...

Although that may also be lesions on the brain from a heavy pot habit that I am still coming down from.

It's taking a while and I'm so fucking clumsy anyway, the things I say without thinking sometimes...

That's not even getting to how accident prone I am at the moment too.  I've always been a bit of a clutz but it's awful, last night I managed to stick a lit fag into my lip, holding it in one hand and leaning down to get a drink with the other.  And I'm off to mow and strim at two cemeteries and work around town and the cotswolds for the council ;) oooooerrrrrrr    oooooohaaaarrrrrr....  I really need my spatial awareness back, my focus back, my concentration back, my ability to think clearly back, not to keep forgetting what I'm doing from minute to minute.  I assume it's the cannbinoids seeping out of my musculature, my brain, my lungs deoiling.  On the plus side, my writing is coming back, my wordiness, although I'm so less concerned with correct spelling and grammar than I used to be.

Reading a book, about four on the go actually, and just constantly filling my time there.

I really miss girly chats, no offense intended there as I'm quite girly and sensitive, in my mind.  I worked so hard to masculinity meself the last years too.

Challenged myself, did first aid course, self defence and ended up doing weekend bootcamps three times cos they were painful fun and lead to so much self confidence.  I almost became an instructor but when it comes to reposnsibility, I just fail in my head to see how I can actually do that.  I don't want to be the boss.

Cos my social problems, in my head are much worse than in person though.

I'm really good in most situations, especially once I've been there for a while I grow in confidence.

The thought of meeting new people constantly though can be an issue, it'sthe pressure I put on myself more than anything else that is real.

I worry, I'm a worrier, I stress, I'm a stresshead motherfunky!

But then when it comes to the crunch (Tony Harrison You Know Nothing Of the Crunch!) I'm fine usually.

I suppose something I read the other day made a lot of sense.

People with no imagination are much better liars and can often deal with new situations with no problem.

My imagination spoils lots of things for me cos I can imagine every single outcome and often it's the worst one that I choose as the most likely.

Right now, I've written some stuff here that may or may not prejudice others  when it comes to me.

But I don't care about that, I have always tried to find an outlet, a way of sharing who I am inside in the hope that it helps others not feel so bad, in the sure hope that it makes me feel less bad, in the way that I can get things off my chest, in the way that I can think about it less.

My dad said, "Do you right a diary?"  I said I write a blog.  "I think that's a good idea" he said.

Not if I start writing about you I thought ;)

I realised just how much I've taken home and my folks for granted.  Feel so bad for not giving my dad a break.  It's so confusing and I can't keep a job at the moment so I'm relying on others even more.

I want out like anyone who grows up and knows they need their own space, but had this growing concern that as the years go by maybe I had a need to be here for their sake.

Maybe it was getting to the point that I should be here for the future, like a responsibilty to that.

And yet I know I should get out, finally I know I should cos he's fucking annoying at the moment.

And at the same time one of the only people I can truly rely on, because otherwise I'd be more lost.

I feared his temper, spent years worrying if I heard raised voices that it was a blow up going on.

Feared that was in my future, but I rarely if ever raise my concerns gently let alone in an argument.

Dad isn't that bad really, such an emotional guy, I know how much he cares, he's mellowed so much, it's me at the moment who isn't easy to live with cos I'm annoyed by silly things, suffering from withdrawal from others very silly things, and my own issues.

I love my dad and know his heart is in the right place.  I suppose I've stayed here too long, past the time when I should have grown the fuck up and made my own life somewhere.

I like a quiet life.  But that too is cowardly.

I've been a coward, and only done things I needed to when push came to shove.

When things get so bad I get orf my ass, or someone kicks me up it.

Phew, maybe I've finally learnt my lessons, and it's making me self concious when at my best others are my focus.

How they are doing, checking on people on a night out, finding the ones on their own who look like they need some company, making conversation.  I suppose I can see how others are feeling the way I do sometimes.  Ill at ease in some situations, or just need cherring up.

The best of me really is a very good chap indeed.  And when it's others I'm doing things for I have no fear.

Only ever things for myself that I shit it.

I've got some terrific friends and new friends and old friends.

Lots of people don't know the extent of my current plight.

I've scared lots of people, myself far more than you can know.

And it's taking a while to relax, cos I know when I do I never want pride to come before a fall again, the last few years, and last year especially after my let's give it it's proper name 'psychotic break' I really had a downturn in my fortunes but the person I was, was much more outgoing, had no fear of new situations, new locations, adventures, I was amazing in so many ways.  That wasn't me, it was me plus.  The person I am when I've tested myself, pushed myself to improve my situation, get out there.

Man Plus as Dave Lister called himself after gentic augmentation...

I've gentically arsed about with my brain.

Now I just want to be healthy again.

I see the Shaman on Monday.

A real one not the one I was last year ;)
And a head doctor as soon as I can.
I have flip flopped back to earth.
But not stuck in the mud
Not no more
Light &

Love
Jon
x