Had the ingredients already

Had the ingredients...

Getting the feeling back, some anyway, slowly.

Had a wonderful walk, losing the habit, recently added to the list, losing it now anyway, assuredly

Just changed to a positive outlook and that will do

The ingredient I am working on... Putting my intention, my attention into the body.

I could set my attention into my little toe on the left foot, big toe on the right, would occasionally result in jumpy leg at night, would feel it up to a point.  Never been disciplined enough.

So adding from a book I was recommended, putting my attention into each place for fifteen seconds, deciding where on my own volition, each toe a go on each foot, then each foot, moving from left to right, calves, shins, knees, upper legs, feeling the inner response.  This is possible and you feel it within, that the attention is there, not externally, internally, like a 'yes' and then building on that, feeling the entirety of the energy body, taking time to get the centre working as well, I guess it's an area I haven't spread my attention to as much, the head is fine and arms too, working to send a wave of attention and a wave of feeling from toes to tip, to toes again.  Retrain my-self, the I am, the me that doesn't think but just is, to feel not think, to be not do, to act not rehearse.

Working to feel that everywhere, working to energise the true me...

Dropping the crutches, cos they were hurting not helping.

Leaving behind the drugs legal and illegal, missing them like fuck at times but will power growing and the scaredy cat I was making me less fearful now but using that aging fear, not going to let others tempt me back, knowing I can't, I won't, I don't want to risk is...

Eating well, sleeping er well, not getting off easily, waking up in the night is new and annoying, waking early too.

I suppose I'm having to do everything the hard way, that was always underlying, before I fell into using substances rather than shear hard work to get there...

Learning to be watchfull and mindfull

Trying to reconnect to emotions, I know between my own stupidity, fear, and general unease I've stopped myself from having close friendships, sexual relationships, talked my way out of things, struggled with my fear of things that was unecessary, used my own fear of putting someone on the spot, fear of using the phone, fear fear fear.  I had a deep down feeling that I was unloveable, struggled with self esteem, couldn't take compliments, couldn't do things unless it was for someone else's benefit, back here now mixed up with years of regret and self loathing cos that's easier than seeing if someone else loathes me too, just trying to get over those things I've done ad infinitum, knowing I need to find the cause of all causes, feeling as though I've turned a corner in some respects, using having no fuel, or no money as an excuse not to do things, feeling sober all the time makes me notice the time to well, the time has slowed down, I don't feel like doing things, so I've got a good excuse, less worried about stupid things but don't want to get to fearlessness again cos that lead me into being just to careless, caring less than I should...   What is the true me?  I'll watch and see who emerges, being in the now as much as I can, feeling like I can laugh and think again quite well without all the help, what a walk today...

The roe deer got up but saw my disinterest and sat back down to chew the cud, I was so thankful for that invitiation to stay and denial of my nature as a predator on two legs, I was there to see the little birds that I could hear, I wanted to see a goldcrest but to no avail, but sitting there waiting for things to become unafraid, to not see me and get closer, just sitting there listening, being, finding that I would suddenly realise how close I was to the main road, seeing cars passing and the noise, I wasn't focussed there and they had often trailed into the background, feeling so much like I used to when I was a kid, so in nature, a part, fulfilled during those times, not worried what time it is, got my counsellor appointment... I'm painfully stupidly shy when it comes to putting myself into situations where i can be rebuffed or rejected, and it's gotten silly, I was better than this wasn't I?  I miss the confidence I had for a short period, that I have for short periods, that I can bluff, or feel again when I recall what I did to get some, self defence, I can handle myself, I don't need to worry, first aid, I can contribute, I can step in, not freeze, how much was the drugs making me care less, sedating my cares, sedating me fears?

No goldcrests, I choose to pretend, no actually give in,assuming I won't see them, that doesn't work this time, I can still hear them trilling, even on the walk back home I hear them again in the pine trees where they live and work, where they love to be, too high for me, I don't get high anymore, don't like the way it makes me think too much, I so miss thinking, have decided to give it a miss, just when I need to work something out, not going over the past, when I catch myself I change the subject, in fact I just enter no-mind, the space of no thoughts, I focus inside, I watch what comes next and for longer periods, nothing does, just a feeling of being there, I am working so hard, I kinda wish I could just get a fuck, but my I know I mean make love, although my libido has gone outta the window, I used to love porn, love weed, skunk, skanky women, dirty teens, my cock would get so rock, so quickly after a fucking big smoke, wanking slowly to enjoy it, make sure I would last if I did get with some woman, although now I can't be fucked with porn, or fucking wanking to porn, gave that up cos I saw it as demeaning, to women, abusive, demeaning to me I suppose,like I was the abuser or got an assist for watching, I suppose there were lots of things I gave up as a bad job, quite a few jobs, do I deserve to be happy in what I do for a living?  Gonna see what happens the next time I go out, although being me, straight, no sedation, feeling so white bread, teenager version of me at times, the kind of feeling inside where I just think other people are idiots when they're drunk or tipsy, the fake conversations, the lack of genuine connection, am I just judging other peoples coping strategies?

I am a forty year old 20 year old virgin, haven't slept with someone, intercourse, since 1993 ish, so maybe 18 or 19 years since i dipped my wick, gave her the root, did the dirty, mambo jambo?  Even then I was just a standard male, wanted my pleasure, I've turned that around, the last intimiteness was rather fun, lots and lots of kissing, lots of touching without getting anywhere near the erogneous too soon, lots of dates and fun times together no pressure, less on me that way, and way more relaxing, now all I wonder about is how do I find a girl who doesn't smoke fags or weed in this day and age? ;)  that's me kidding there, feeling like Forrest Gump "She tasted of ashtrays Lieutenant Dan!"...   Why do I worry about things i cannot change?

I'm not forty yet anyways!  Not till Dec 11th 2012...Not until four or six minutes to midnight on that day am I officially forty years elapsed, now I'm just lapsed into my old self, sitting at home all the time, none of my new friends ever feel like coming out this far, they've got busy lives, their own jobs, own homes, I've got one friend who still tokes, the other one I feel like I can't spend time with, cos there's a darkness I touched upon I don't want to go near, he needs friends his own mental age although I'm there, I'm younger than him at the moment probably, i find him boring which is unkind.  The one friend I do have we have plans together which is great, but he still tokes hard and it's a challenge but we're still relating, still trying to get it into his head, we're adults now, we can do or not do but there is not try (oh dear that just came out star wars fans)... whatever we like it's all our own choice and no repercussions, no blame game, no peer pressure anymore

I'm done preaching, told everyone else everything I need to hear now, it's your negativity, it's not coming from outside of you, oh dear, poor me, trying not to feel or create a victim mentality,  open up.

Wake up, get to sleep, feel energised, work hard, meditate on fucking doing something worthwhile.

No social network just The social network, between the crap I came out with over the september to now time frame, the fact that I don't keep in touch, the fact that I've had my head up my own arse, others just not coming to mind as much as they did, fucking trying not to act in the moment and then regret it in the next, old emotional, old thought patterns,old ways ingrained, it's not me, it's the minds memory, it's the minds broken records replaying, feel like I am directing my anger outwards and getting it back so no more of that.

Stop judging others, don't judge myself, no more moralising, trying not to be a fucking pain in the arse bleeding heart liberal, fundamentalist recycler, comes up with great ideas but no oomph to put them into practise, still feel stoned, clumsy, numpty at times, tripping over not tripping, although...

My heart beat has regained it's composure

I've remember to catch myself panicking and getting breathless, and that was something I thought I'd conquered.

Remember, go back, relearn what you have learned...   What I preached or commented on having learnt.

Breath slow and deep, if you notice it's gone quicker, slow it down, use that loop to control everything within.

Other things I thought I'd done with, listen to others, stop talking so much, stop thinking about what you want to say or have heard...

I really don't like the sound of my own voice that much.  I'd love to hear someone else's, but if there's a vacuum that's why people come around, I thought so anyway, they always knew I'd have some new random thing to pass off as my own ;)

Not act until I've felt why I think I should, or at least watched the thinker thinking, trying to delve deeper, I always thought the mind movies, rehearsals of future events was a good thing, apparently not, so I'm stopping all that.

Let the thinker think, I'll just watch the mind do it's thing and in the meantime be...

I keep seeing people for who they really are not who I had imagined or decided they were

and it's fucking scary but eye opening

i want to cry so i shall it feels good that painful pricking,even though recently my mind would call me a crocodile

In the moment I feel
Love
Jon
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