Egregious Religious Psychological Regression

Can't remember what egregious means but I think the gist is it's a bad thing... ;)

Anyway so I see what I feel as a regression and now I see that regression as a good thing.

Afterall, I'm still capable of most things, just feeling them keenly,or as if they are an aspect of me I thought I'd killed off, or hugged to death or just plain given the rest of my life off.  You know like the inner child, there there,dontcha worry little one, I'm here now you can relax and just chill.  The ever present feeling that if somebody is in a stress or a bad mood or whatever, that it's my fault.   The lack of self confidence is shocking for one who does kinda get a little full of themselves at times when given a chance to prove to others and myself that I'm not an empty vessel.  Although conversation is tricky as I can't think of anything to ask or say, but hey,I suppose it's all symptoms of a tragedy, a traumatic event, and I keep on harking on, harking back, but not so much now.

Just bored of it to be honest and it's not going away, just dealing with today, makes much more sense.

I feel far more relaxed about things, far calmer, far less annoyed, just trying to accept the things I cannot change and shudn't try to.

Bizarre mixture of versions...

In certain circumstances, in certain situations, the creations...

I've still got my rythym, still got the inclination, still got the intimation of the previous,current, new...

Like so many things I'm less unsure of, but still, when push comes to shove, I would move out of the way

Preferring the path of least resistance, knowing I'm holding back, sidestepping a bit

Holding out, holding on,letting go, leaving it to others

Pushing within not without as much

Knowing I've got a lot of catching up to do in a short space of time

And don't see why I should trust someone else with my shit

They don't know jack and don't know me and why shud I let them in?

Well I'll talk, I'll answer questions but it's on my terms

Trying not to think about things that can wait until well, until they are now not then, when is the time?

Finding so many signposts, so many things I thought I was done with

Things are starting to pick up,starting to go a little better

Feel, felt, used to think it was all my fault

Now it's not, hard to let others help, deep down I always assumed I was unlovable, damaged, something wrong but not in a bad way, just cos I couldn't let go of the things that I know I shud have

The thought of something always much worse than the reality,  I shudnt make excuses for others, for me

I shud just reach out, and so I shall, how hard to push,pull, let go of the tightrope, of the tug of war...

Heave ho,here we go again...

Breath, massage away my pain, reconnect, do those things I had let slip but felt like I was on top of.

Such confusion, less now,I know I will have to be disciplined because I had no direction or correction

We're not angry we're disappointed, that's always so much worse to hear.

They're not angry they're scared,don't want to be treated any differently.

And in truth there's no need, not like I've hurt anyone but me.

Not really, not physically, emotionally,not in any way that I can fathom.

Delving so deep down now,diving holding not my breath as I used to.

But letting go, breathing in water, drowning deliberately

Working hard to get into shape physicially

Happy when I hear others laughing as always

Not caring when I'm missing out on things anymore

I used to get so het up, not so much,like it's just a slight remembrance

Poppy's on the cenotaph to the unknown soldier

That brave guy who fell for us

He's not forgotten

I've forgiven

Leading me on to somewhere good

Feeling every ache and pain

Maybe what was masked was not what I thought

I thought I was invincible again

I looked so healthy, felt so great

And now I've found two grey pubic hairs and keep seeing fuzz on my ears and lines on my face and my skin
is red and raw and spotty and I'm being really good with my diet, self concious again, why oh why?

I am young again and not

This is hard but it's laughable now

I can see the funny side

I laugh at things, hard to humour people though

Never liked to laugh when something wasn't funny

I hope you don't laugh at my jokes, witticisms unless they are

witty , not shitty,shitty pretty city, what's that from?

Cellar Door, sell her door, cell or door, sell our door

Reality bites ass, butt munch, make lunch, I preferred the unreality of being so close to the other

Now all I want is my mother, though my father is closer now and that's cool

Wanna go away and find myself again, lose myself again, walk 500 miles

Leave it though up to the inner energy body, the healers around me

If they're making money out of me who cares?

They're welcome to it, I never liked money

Get rid as soon as I can, only holding on

to it now for fuel to get work to do my bit

to go see friends if I can make it

but I have so few that are actually close

close friends, close distance, close to talk about things

don't depress them with my shit, scare them out of it

it's better, I see it all as a part of me kicking my ass

and now it doesn't smart as much, my head aches less

my stomach more, was the weed covering health issues?

Who knows,keep on eating healthy,five a day veg and fruit

cook a curry, drink water, meditate on love on inner peace

Gosh I feel old and aching, is this reality it?
Working my way back to you babe.
You depressed the fuck out of me.
But I can't blame you for trying.
When I leave a vacuum you fill it, when you leave one I leave it...  I did fill it once but no more not now

The source of all,
Love
Jon
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