Unfortunate Impatience

I regret some of the things I've written recently, either because they weren't strictly true or just because they were the immediate reactions to how I was feeling at the time.

I said that I was fine when other people were around, but not so much when alone.

That wasn't right.  In fact when I'm busy or my concentration is on reading, my old new favourite thing to do, everything is ok.  Although it's slowly getting better even when I'm not distracted.

Finding I can concentrate better, my short term memory is improving, less panicked when faced with several things to do at once.

The throbbing ache in my head, hearing my pulse in my ears, slowly receding.

I guess it may be the fact that I haven't been exercising as much as I would normally do.

Haven't been spending as much time outside walking in the countryside, less time out working over the three months when I wasn't.

A resting heartbeat of 100 - 60 beats per minute is perfectly normal although to me my own nervous, anxiousness was causing that to seem faster.  Worked hard in the garden, throwing myself back into the things I should have been doing at home, now that the weather has improved for a day ;)

It's sunny outside, although a little cloudy at times, maybe threatening more rain at some point.

The flood waters have receded too, the pressure on me has been taken off somewhat and that is because I've stopped trying to find, get and keep a job, and thank goodness I am allowed to do that at the moment, thanks so much to my parents for allowing me to take the time to slow down.

The depression and listlessness is less of an issue, going to give up smoking tobacco next, although I know that will affect my sleep for a while.

Had some dreams last night, was woken a few times so that made it easier to remember them maybe.

Hot in bed, sweaty.  Got a text message that woke me up as my phone repeats it's notification.

The dull ache or feeling or thought towards, or rememberance of the mental imagery that was disturbing is receding, stress induced for mere moments, afterwards it would lead to a panicked searching for answers, a thought inside that I was going doolally, nutzoid, mental.  Is it this? Is it that?  Am I this? Am I that?  Then my whole world would be shaken, I would think about or be reminded of, or have songs come into my head, they would replay over and over.  Never have I wanted to actually do anything stupid, to hurt myself or anyone else.  Less time spent going over the mistakes I've made, less time going over the ways in which I could have done things differently.

Learning to cope with silly things like that, learning to relax more, let things go that I don't need.

Had some dreams last night, and remembered them, even now they are quite clear.

They were in colour, or at least filled with the information to allow me to know the details, the english african? woman, older than me, amongst a group of family friends, friends of my mothers, we were in the countryside on a camping type situation.  They were all friendly and there to help each other, renew ties.

Later we were in the back of a car together and she said something about kissing her, so I just did it.

Straight to her lips locked on them, then passionately, no not fast, a quick pressing of our lips together and then my usual talent for timing and rhythm, we were both enjoying the feeling of being so close.  Not a long kissing spell but a good kiss that ended without extending into full blown passion but more of a gradual release as if to say that was nice but it isn't going anywhere, it was a connection, to say thankyou I think from me and from her to say you are welcome.

Then another dream, driving down a road, going faster as hearing sirens behind and seeing a police car.  Slowing down because I don't want to be chased or cause an accident and they weren't after me anyway.  Opening the door and kicking a football that was coming towards me back to the kid who'd knocked it into the road, here ya go, surprise on his face. 

Later in a huge house or building, so many rooms downstairs leading to other large rooms, full of people like a party, only like a squat, or a youth club for adults, but lots of people everywhere.  Wandered through the rooms from one end to the other, and back again and back again and back again before going outside, and then back inside.  Sat with someone, he said "You're brave to come in here alone and when you weren't invited, any one of these would kill you if they wanted to."  Looking over and smiling at a guy with lollipops, he throws me one, I give the thumbs up to say thanks, he throws me another, passing it to the guy next to me.

Outside, reverse parking my car between lots of vans, into a space further into a disorganised car park.  I'm not good at that in real life ;) and even in the dream it's uncontrolled and lucky that I don't hit some of them as I do it too quickly.

Waking and feeling ok, better for the dreams, but as though I could do with some more sleep so I doze once I've dressed and checked the chickens and then undressed and back in bed, not sure if I get any sleep but rested in bed for an hour and a half.  Lots of things I could, should be doing but I need this time.

Mowed the grass in my bit of garden after replacing the cushion covers in the caravan after their first wash since the seventees ;) (maybe who knows? It's a very orangey seventees theme inside), flustered when I do things, like when I would be stoned and accident prone, hoping I can just put things back the way they were, in more ways than one and not just here but elsewhere in my life, after some water had gotten in and made me tidy the whole place up, clean it up, put things back, test the stereo, it works yay, drying out the book that was damp, airing out the caravan, the heater on a tad, the window open a tad.

Mowed the orchard one side, mowed the grass in the garden by the house, the bits out the front, then the other side of the orchard.  Thinking about how much there is to do at the weekends, having had to look after the ex battery chickens since my folks went away for the weekend.  Knowing that I was too self focussed last year, just went away most weekends and left everything to my dad.  Thinking about them more clearly, they're getting on and I should be doing more at home to take the weight off.  I hadn't had much of a life, just moments here and there at parties as I call them (psytrance in a club, psytrance in a field) the rest of the time was for me, or me and a mate to spend stoned.  Get back from work just leave everything else to someone else to do.  Although I was so enjoying cooking last year too, would cook for myself.  Helping out as much as I can now, knowing i'd let things slip so badly, if only I could get the others to help Mum out more.  Get into good habits, clean up after yourself, put things in the dishwasher, help more you lazy sods...

Feeling much more like the old me, the one when I was younger, only with a growing sense of the strength and confidence that I earned through challenging myself, my head pounds less, my only relaxation is smoking cigarettes which is a complete oxymoron as they're a stimulant, gonna have to give that up too, don't want to until after I've seen the head doc, so that I can see whether my sleep pattern improves, putting it off.  I should just give up now but maybe that's more stress on the body?  Always find that when there's a decision to make, I can't decide, I used to go with how I felt, rather than what I thought, as I could never work out what I thought was the best option between the endless ones I could think of.

Feeling like I want to smoke weed, knowing I can't and letting the thought go.  I have to be strong.

Whatever is going on, isn't hurting so much.

Is it withdrawal?  Is it the other things I did stupidly?

Feeling both that things are getting better but knowing also that I need to be careful.

Not put too much pressure on  myself, don't keep commenting to one friend or another, but just act at the moment that it is possible.

If I can help I will, if I can't I won't.

Slow down, think before you speak, think before you act.

Not tempted to do anything rash, knowing I have more control.

Still clumsy, trying to take my time but I guess I'm a hammer and tongs sort.

Work hard and fast until you're tired and then slow down.

See the sunlight outside and know I should go out and walk amongst the tress and birds, but that can wait till after 2:00 when it's less hot in the sun, had my top off this morning and it felt so good to get some sun on me.

Slowly slowly slowly slow slow slow down, take your time.

Be patient, be still, relax, detox, eat well, sleep well.

Be well
Love
Jon
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