L-ego-land

El Ego Land

Starting from scratching out your own eyes...

I've been down before, I've had bad times before, but I never wanted or even dreamed of or imagined or visualised or had a mental image of doing anything stupid before.

I had worked so hard, been pretty fucking disciplined, for me anyway ;) and removed all sorts of blocks from my past, that old areas I had forgotten or hadn't thought about in years and years and forever were opened back up to me.  I don't or I didn't live in the past, although I would often wrangle over and over things that had just happened for a while.  So maybe that's the same thing...  ;)

Once something was a few weeks or months old I wouldn't give it much thought anymore.

I suppose I'm like a virgin again.

Knowing the panic and fear I would feel when put into a situation I had never experienced before.

The daft thing is that the fear of never going out, dying alone that kind of general malaise was always enough to get me off my ass and get out there and do the things that didn't scare me as much.

So when push came to shove I would always get over myself and just do things.

Medicated, subdued, crutched, sedated by weed.

It helped so much to remove my anxiety, dullen, deaden it to an acceptable level.

I leave for things at the last minute, and am often late, or I did, I still do.

Otherwise I'm ready and sat around thinking about them nervously which is worse, cos I can get myself into more of a state that way.

Daft thing is that I had worked so hard on building confidence, and what I saw as a true and wonderful natural medecine in Mushrooms, really had given me everything that I'd always been searching for...

A regular spiritual practise, a feeling of true connection to the world and people around me.

Now it's just plain old me, having gone up and down the rollercoaster ride.

The inner calm has gone, like wiping away the last few years of work.

It's coming back and I'm having to earn it the right way, some of the nerves and anxiety was there to start with.

Some of it is about self worth, some is a fear of rejection, fear of getting hurt, some just really old engrained habits, so fucking obvious and clear to me now, that they can only be worked on and undone or they will lead me to nowhere'sville again.

So feeling like it's square one, and I'm repeating myself, which I don't like doing at all, but just need to explore, explain, get it out, write it down, let it go...

It's a funny feeling cos I know I've been more than this, and I miss my old ways of being, feeling that.

I miss smoking cigarettes and I'm putting so much food away it's unreal, and none or little seems to come out the other end, like my body is gorging on nutrients and just sticking them away as fat and where they should have been all along, always been on the lower, lowest end of the healthy weight scale for my height, so I could take on a few pounds and not have a problem easily.

Trying to do some exercise, got a few hours work here and there too, keeping my eye in.

Less going on at myself, far less attacking myself for mistakes, seeking healing in several avenues, reconnection to that which I've lost, wanna be The Nature Boy I always was, without rebecoming the loner...

I could often feel the tingling, the energy, the feelings within my extremeties of light, of love, of enlightenment...

Had been breathing in the unconditional light and love of the universe for years as a mantra, watching my breath, it had become a natural thing.

Now I'm closing my eyes, (using a book called The Power of Now - Eckhart Tolle) and working with that energy, feeling it more, deepening the connection, it's easier without all the things I was doing.  I know my circulation would be bad in winter, my stomach, my digestion would slow down, it's causing me grief at the moment and I can only assume it always did and I was receiving pain relief from the weed, but yet I can feel more, I can express it futher throughout my system, I know I'm becoming a boring sod who won't do drugs, won't get pissed (stopped that ages ago,don't want to, don't enjoy losing control, don't enjoy having to do that to lose my inhibitions) doesn't smoke anything anymore, and I can feel everything opening up inside, and closing down outside...

Although!  I can still go out and see friends, have done, staying up allnight sent me into an anxiety attack afterwards though, when I did get off to sleep at 4:30 - 5:00 am I woke to seriously nasty thoughts, as if overtired isn't good for me, or maybe the stuff that's eaking, leaking, sweating out, causes that who knows?

You see I was always a hurt, damaged kid, with a lack of trust and many issues, around rejection, around showing how I felt now rather than leaving it until too late,showing how i felt at all.... Even now I feel as though if i have to express certain things I'll get upset and that's social anxiety and a phobia around being real in front of others, a form of mental illness, or brain damage,or just plain developmental mentalness...

My imagination ruins things for me, I think ahead too far and work out why I can't do things.

So I'm learning to be in the now, and it's hard, to do it clean...

It's hard but I can see that I'm winning slowly.

But I am winning...

I can feel I am.

I know that there's a negative aspect to my personality makeup that has been there for well ever?

And it's is a part of me that like the oldest habit is dying hardest...

But it will die, because it can no longer live.

I won't lose my fight to kill it off.

I know I can't afford to...

The greatest battle of my life is to live it without fear.

I lived it without fear for periods, through trials I set myself, through gaining in confidence...

I have to fight that fight over and over and regain what I have lost without making the same old mistakes.

I'm not crazy, but I am a wounded animal.  Uncovered deeper hurts I thought I'd healed,deeper more powerful enemies within my own self concious my own worst enemies,my own fears, my own doubts, it's only right after I've spent so long pointing out others faults and fears and doubts and I hope not made them tears, trying to access my own, I wanna cry and scream and shout but all that comes out is a whimper...

My body is aging and like I would see in the winter falling apart, only to be resurrected in the spring...

My mindset has taken its toll, the chemicals, the behaviour, the late nights and early mornings.

The aches and pains, the withdrawal angst, the sleepless nights, the dozing afternoons,the tiredness,apathy

The feeling of joy, the feeling of love, the feeling of relaxation, the feeling of working hard, the energy...

One is shit the other one hits home hard and feels like a good pain right now,I need my energy my feelings

Talked more to the reiki lady today than I ever would have imagined, have another treatment soon.

Seeing the Shaman again,will try to be less sensitive and frankly paranoid, less overthinking on what might be

More working and time spent on what is, not was is, not will be, is, now,is now,now is, now is the time, the only time, it's all we have, is now, now now now now now the now can be won, I can be one with the now...

Love
Jon
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