Midnight in the garden of good and bad (not evil)

So it's midnight, not really, actually it's 15:41 pm on the 27th May, my Mum's Birthday...

Sat in my room as usual on the internet, wondering just now how much farther the new internet hub sends wi-fi and whether I could manage to get a signal all the way down at the bottom of the garden...

Had an appointment with the Shaman today, and lots of synchronicities came together, still working on the things I was working on, now have new ones to work on, old things coming back to me, that I had already been thinking about, now confirmed...

Creativity, going to start drawing again, I don't draw from memory, and anything I try to draw from scratch looks barely any better than it would have done when I was a child, but I can copy things.  I can sit somewhere and draw something that's already there.  Funny how we create this reality, and yet I am thinking of drawing something that I create, something I see because I expect to see it, when I walk out of my front door.

The world is already there and we see it when we open our eyes, that's the idea we have come to trust.

Rather, we open our eyes and see what we have been taught, learnt to see and then it comes into existence.

I know this to be true and I am starting to reconstruct the world around me based on what I would like it to be.

Starting all over again to take what I have done in the past and build on that, change the makeup, change the ingredients, reconfigure me, add back in the parts I've been given back, working so fucking hard on changing the way I work, changing from a thinker to a doer, it's tough, I have so much inhibition, HAD so much inhibition, it's still there when I think about doing something instead of do about thinking something... ;)

Does that even make sense? I'm not sure, but basically I'm turning all sorts on its head.

Believing in myself again is taking time, believing in the things I had so much conviction in before again.

Feeling it more, authentically, instilling, giving myself pep talks, letting myself off, forgiving myself, I wasn't in my right mind, I was my mind, I was depressed, I was alone, I was desperate, I was upset...

I might be making excuses, but I feel like I've got a second, maybe a third chance to do the right thing.

Not fucking it up this time, taking my time, no more pride before a fall.

All very confusing to me, and this style of writing isn't helping, rather than thinking about what I would put I just start writing and see what splurges out.

No idea what I want to say, just that I don't want to think too hard about it anymore.

Spent too much time projecting into the future, dwelling on the past.

Back to square one, first move on the chess board, clean slate...

Retrieval of those parts I thought or didn't even remember were lost.

Creativity, authentic individuality, artisitic expression, fortitude, we shall see what I can do with those working...

I had so much doubt, so much confusion, sat at the top of a tree, stubbornly unable to come down, too shy, don't want to feel anything anymore, now I do, now I don't care how much I get hurt, now I know I must risk everything again, risk it all for the sake of good, I write down my dreams now again, and find them very vivid, asked for one last night to aid in the shamanic healing I went to today, don't know whether any were specifically for that, they were vivid though, exciting, suggestive, seeing, reading between the lines.

Still looking for safe ways to get closer to good people, someone else's girl, that way I can't get my heart broken again, but I know I don't need or want that for myself, I only want or need to love unconditionally..

Starting to feel my mojo, my inner calm, my sense of well being, my sense of self, although sadly seems to be clouded by a sense of the other, the older, the father I don't want to turn into, his genes switching on?

Am I really that thinly protected from the energy of others?

Must try harder, standard report at school...

Why would I bother when I can only get a C if I do my best?  Never an A or a B...   A good C would do me...  I don't need the top grades, don't want the top marks.  Just want to succeed at something average.

I just look forward a little bit and back as little as possible.

I was so there before that time I don't want to mention again

Less thinking, less making myself the victim, less of everything.

Being, Doing, Enjoying, living in joy, feeling a joyous surge within.

More focus back, less panic, less anxiety, less interest, much try harder.

Find things to ask people, show an interest, have an interest, don't just fake it.

I've done things, things did me, learn the ways of the Honey Bee, work my way through.

Up and out, be held by the hand, lead away free and clear, taken the chances, opportunity.

Find the way out, follow the golden thread, out of the maze, see the way by the light of a flame.

There's so many conflicting, confusing possibilities, I am starting to trust my instincts again, testing.

Doesn't make much sense this I know, but it's just a list, just a connection.

There's a lot of shit that is back in my life and I'm living with it, learning to cope with it again.

Old ways that made me sad to be alive, old things that made me wonder if I could go on.

I could I will I am...


Love
Jon
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