Yes To Feeling Good

I was ok before I went to a festival last year and had a bad time of it.

Up until then, I had pushed myself to stop smoking weed, or not let it stop me from going out and doing things I wanted to do.  Seeing people I wanted to see.  Got over my nerves when considering social occasions.  Met some great people through the events I went to.  Often planned quite considerably and made lists of things to get done.  Had to have directions written out to get to places and make sure everything I would need was packed in the car.

The confidence I got from pushing myself really was there and I went to lots of things with an open mind and a great deal of enthusiam, built on that each time to get past any doubts I may have had.

Got to the point of not needing or wanting to do that old stay at home smoking habit, and spent my money on seeing my friends, making new ones, seeing new sights and new experiences to be gained.

When I've got money I'm generous with it.

Now I've got to the point of finding working harder and harder, realised I need help and am seeking it.

Feel like I did when I was seventeen again.

Shy, retiring, although there is an inner strength still there from the adventures I went on, in Spain the first and second times, all the going here there and everywhere that I did last year.

Don't wanna go on and on, but feeling like this is shit.

Finding now I am tempted to get high just to get out of my own way.

Resisting the temptation because I know it isn't good for me anymore.

Let alone the moral implications, the fact that it feeds criminal activity, the fact that it feeds my own uncertainty.

Trying to do the right thing by everyone often lead me to feel as though I was in a trap.

I know I should be working and not complaining about things there that cause me stress.

Working through piles of crap at home that I've let build up.

Trying to not feel so lethargic, so energyless.

Started sleeping back in the house again after the last six to eight months out in the caravan.

It's my own space and it's easier to get to sleep and stay asleep out there.

Had a good nights sleep last night once I got off but woke early again and no dreams remembered.

I may be a light sleeper and that was always helped by weed as it zonks you out.

I can do things when I have to, it's my own inner struggle I am trying to cope with now.

Hoping that I can things get sorted out.

There was a moment the other week when I felt as though there was very little point in making plans for the future, I got past it but day to day I'm up and then down and then all around again.  Generally blah though and occasionally good isn't a long term plan.  The stress I put myself under to conform, to just do what others cope with, and seeing how much they have to cope with makes me feel like such a lightweight.

I need something stable, something simple, less pressurised to do in the day.

I've been reading a book of a friends on my dad's Kindle, and proof reading it as I always was good at that, spotting mistakes, spotting errors, making notes to pass on.  Although I haven't actually done that this time.  Assuming it will be worked over before it's printed.

The confusion is horrendous, not sure of myself, thinking back over my life.

Have I always been just coping?

I know that I was smoking dope by the age of 19 when I got my first job through work experience in computers, but almost straight away I wasn't happy, would leave early, panic and just wanna get out of there.  Get home get stoned and just forget about it all.

I know I've avoided dealing with that and just got by to pay the rent.

Let things slip too much, got to the point that I've burnt too many bridges, been through too many work agencies, let my own doubts and fears or just plain inadequacies and feelings of 'I shouldn't be doing this job' lead to finishing at places.  Wondering whether I would, could ever be happy anywhere.

Back to seventeen again, knowing I need direction and encouragement, that inner me unsure.

I seem to be fine or able to seem fine when I have to.  When I've got something else to focus on.

Going to answer the questions I am asked truthfully when I see the doctor.

Have I grown up at all or just regressed?  Grown up and then Regressed...

Opening up though has revealed through talking to others that so many of us are or were in the same boat, and in many cases others have sorted things out by changing their lifestyle, become much more healthy in diet and exercise, healthier in body and mind.  Perhaps that's the impetus we all need to realise there is strength inside we should be building upon not looking for answers outside all the time.

Detoxing, letting go of things that don't help, smoking too much fags at the moment and I know that will affect my sleep even more when I give up that too, but at the moment it's kicking off my iritable bowl and that is always linked with depression for me, gotta give that up too, wondering whether I'll be prescribed something...  Locked up although I'm no risk of harm to myself or others, now that I'm not in the cycle of coming off something, going back on it.  I know I can't afford to fall off the wagon this time.

It's hard to stay positive when you just think you're nuts.  I'm hanging in there, knowing I won't look for an easy way out, knowing I'll do whatever I'm told.

Positive thinking, I've discovered deeper down than I've ever been before a harder problem to resolve.

I want the solution and I'm willing to work for it.
Love
Jon
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