Is this who I am was then?

I still laugh, I still enjoy being with people.  Finding being straight all the time rather boring and having to find things to do which is a good thing.  Pros of giving up smoking cigarettes, is my chest never feels wheezy, except when I fall off the wagon and have a quick few tokes on one.  I can smell things again, food is tasting rather tastier too.  Cons of being straight all the time, well pissed or slightly drunk people are really annoying, and people who are messy on drugs also seem to be quite, well an aquired taste.  I guess I've lost some of my relaxed attitude, knowing that there are times when due to withdrawal I am finding some things get my back up, wind me up a little more.  Also some of the things I used to enjoy, really aren't all that great.  I wonder whether the fact that when you're stoned somethings seem even better than they usually do is actually just that you put up with things as part of liking a quiet life and just are more chilled generally.  I feel like I was sedated much of the time in a way, in a good way when it comes to over thinking and getting anxious, or nervous or building things up until I got into a state.  On the other hand I am finding time seems to pass really slowly now, there are lots of things that seemed to be quite easy that aren't now, not sure whether that's just the signs of coming back from a long foggy hazy set of up to 20 years of drugging my way through life or what?

I'm having to authentically do the things that seemed to happen without thinking before.

I know that I now have the ability to drop my inhibitions when I want to, can dance and trance and do my funky thing on the dance floor still, have got past caring what others think when it comes to that.

Social anxiety, not such an issue,although when you've got some drink and some drugs in your system, it's easier to get past the boring bits of conversations to get to the interesting bits.  I find all the dancing around issues and jokey ways of talking about things really disingenous.

Also having people in my life projecting their issues onto what they perceieve mine to be.

One friend going on and on about her depression when I don't feel like that's my problem, except for the iritible bowl I'm having at the moment which can go hand in hand with a bit of that, I don't see that as my issue at all.

Another reckons I'm bipolar and I wouldn't say that was it either,  it's all very difficult.

Basically I feel very basic only with some improvements that I've earned through the trials and tests I've put myself through.  There are times when I find myself thinking things I'd rather not, and as I was on such a positive mindset and journey last year, it's really just a sense that I'm back to square one, only with the memories and experiences still there.  I don't feel like I've got too much to worry about now that I've stopped fucking worrying so much ;)

Am finally doing all the things I new I should really have done.

I can feel my energy coming back, the things I used to do that lead me here I'm being reminded of.

Eat well, sleep well (x10 less melatonin in my system because I'm not smoking weed) making me struggle to get off to sleep.  So that's an issue, but my throbbing pounding head and the constant noise of tinnitus, which can be an oversensitivity to sound caused by over circulation of the blood in the head, all either forgotten or slowly forgetting about.  Not getting stressed as much or working myself into such a state.

Feeling like I can cope, and will cope, and feeling more.  Feeling sadder when I'm sad, lonlier when I'm lonely, as happy when I'm happy though, just not smiling as much as still have the issue of feeling guilty for not working to pay my way.  I realised that I've been subsidised for too long, not really been paying my way, but trying not to feel so guilty, beat myself up as much, just trying to lower my own stress and cortisol? levels in the hope that as things progress what I see as a nervous breakdown, or collapse through exhaustion of the inner strength I used to have, or had built up is coming back.  My positive mindset was so strong that it clouded my judgement, and I had lost the instinct, in fact all instincts, felt like I could no longer feel my way when I've never been able to think my way out or through things.

I could never decide, so some things are slowly returning to me, some things are unwanted.

All I know is that I am the person I used to be, only not as easy to walk over anymore.

So there are parts of the old me, the stupidly confident me and the me now that are all mixed up together and trying to work together to just be.

I am working so hard to resolve the problems, try to find out which, what, where, why and how by setting myself as the control subject.  The one who does nothing, and finding that without all the crutches, I can be who I would like.  However it has lead me to see that I no longer can just ask someone out, or get past the point of realising I like someone and tell them, or do the confident things I did last year and that sucks.

I miss that guy, I miss being that me, but not the way I turned out, not the things that were going on.

Not the way I fucked up.

I don't miss the way things seemed to be so close to the surface, the way everything seemed psychedelic.

I know there was a barrier or something that I was close to pushing through without a ticket.

I don't want a free ride, don't want to overemphasize this but I want to earn everything I get.

Need to feel proud of myself without the falls that used to happen, so not proud just accepting of compliments, feeling the self esteem that was so rare all the way along.

I would bluff my way through things and have an outwards appearance of confidence and usually in places and with people that I felt comofortable in.

Now I am not faking it, I am calm, I am working to be the same inside and out.

Working back to the ways in which I can have my energy back without the short cuts.

No more quick fixes, and it's such a shame cos sods law  dictates that now that I'm clean I keep getting offered drugs for free ;)

But that always happened anyway now it just erks me a little with a rueful smile.

I don't have a lot of goals this year, just to be and feel healthy, to support my family and friends.

To try to get back to some sense of stability, knowing that this is an unstable world.

I am so pissed off with how much others lie, still feeling as if I can see the nuance,

but then I wonder am I being over sensitive?

And that's the point, I've always been overly sensitive.

When someone gets angry in the moment I expect an atmosphere the next time I see them but it's forgotten.

Whereas I just don't like getting angry at all, and going round the houses with people I can't raise issues with,

so having to learn acceptance of the things I cannot change, asking for the strength to change those that I can.

And in the meantime working on really meditating, focussing in the moment.

Learning to reconnect, learning to trust myself again, relaxing into myself.

Stop this start that.

All I wanna do is ride a horse this year and that'll do me.

Knowing that I've got to get past those stupid things i thought I'd cured myself of.

Not wanting to phone people, never like using the phone.

Not wanting to get past the initial nervous anxiety of new situations.

That I'm always able to cope with anyway so I shouldn't build the unknown into something it's not.

It's never as bad as I think it will be or it's much worse ;)

The unexpected things that happen are the ones you can't plan for and catch you off guard not the ones you've been worrying about.

A forty year old teenager in disguise as I now just wander through life as a mixture of scared, confident, merging them all, the good the bad and the ugly into one person who needs to move on and grow up and do the things I've been putting on the back burner or leaving in the log pile for someone else to burn.

The burning desire is there, the spark hasn't been.

I felt it and then am left aching for it when without I feel so blah, meh, yucky...

Like the natural come down from a great weekend and back to work.

I know I have to push through and get to the point of feeling good and coping with really feeling bad afterwards in the wake, the stormy days that I used to ignore or didn't even see anymore.

I need a following wind and that's another issue, I seem to have developed flatulence, not quite but I don't remember farting this much when I smoked weed all the time.

I have some things to look forward to, and far fewer that I'm dreading. So I'm getting the balance right, at least I hope so.

Love
Jon
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