Distraction Burglary

So while I wasn't looking the world kept turning and slowly it became quite clear that things were going very good and very bad at the same time.

For me really quite bad, stress causes me to lose sleep and then on awaking I'd have some seriously panick stricken moments immediately.  My mind racing and searching for answers to a problem I didn't even realise was there.

Something was stolen, a certainty, faith in myself.

It's slowly coming back, but in its wake is the feeling of a nagging ache within.

Working on that by removing things I knew one day I would have to say goodbye to.

For all the right reasons.

Now less fighting over it is going on.

Knowing I've been an idiot but finally forgiving myself.

I was off and on, now I'm finding my thought processes muddled but slowly regaining some level of control.

Speaking too soon, making old mistakes, but also a strength within returning.

I know there's a part that is for want of another word damaged.

Only it's the bit I didn't like in the first place.

The bit that I would have the instinct wasn't good for me.

So as I let go of those habits and temptations, in the knowledge that they can never return, i feel better and better.

Sleeping better, finding that the things and people I was avoiding now are my way through and out.

Needing to use the noise of everyday life as a meditation tool.

Carry on despite, not avoid.

Work hard, but don't push too hard.

That constant ache, some is toothache, pains I numbed need dealing with though.

The other pains are the worries, finding I can think less and do more.

Scattered thinking, forgetfulness, though knowing how much I should be grateful for what I've got left.

Read 'Escape from Tibet' the book with much more detail than the original documentary.

From start to finish it really makes you say "Fuck how do they go on?"

So much courage, so much desire for change.

I cried, poured out my compassion.

Knew that the ending was going to be hard to read and feeling the emotion well up.

So now, as I feel slowly better, and am going to keep searching for answers to old questions, I know I must go on myself, not complain too much, but also pick my battles.

Losing my idealism and settling for realism, feeling normal again up to a point.

Whilst trying to regain some of what I've lost to a thief in the night.

Holding on to cherished memories of who I was before the fall.

Knowing that I was working towards something wonderful.

My friends have so much to deal with, the ones who live right do.

My parents have so much to put up with in me, and my stupidity.

They never complain, just carry on, hoping against hope that it will be ok.

Everyone giving me support and at last I can accept it without question.

I knew I was a good person before all the crap I did.

Whatever was stolen was for my own good.

Waiting to be returned when I can handle it.

I feel as though the way I did things caused me to lose sight.

I've got my eyes peeled, just trying to spot the next opportunity.

Vibing on a second chance, hoping upon hope within, cos it dies last.

One day when this is all over, I'll write about it again with wonder.

Gratitude, I'm so lucky, to be alive at the end of the world as the Irish say as a toast.

When my heads out of my ass I see a new day dawning.

Love
Jon
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