A Lotta Bottle - A Lotta Fuss About Nothing

Well I never really did have much bottle.  Self confidence has always been an issue, never driven by others, pushed to achieve, given direction, I've been left to choose my own path and wandered quite aimlessly.

I also have been addicted to Weed, Cannabis whatever you wanna call it for a long time.

Given it up and had the withdrawal symptoms and suffering anxiety that was there in the first place.  I found it gave me some relief from anxiety and allowed me to relieve stress, I'd go to that all the time.  Until recently I found I was feeling disconnected from the people I love, my friends, my family.  Not interested in what they have to say, feeling as though they have nothing to contribute but their own rather daft opinions.  I've woken up to reality, woken up to the length of time of my life that I've wasted, realised just how much I've let things slip, how much I relied on others, how much I've let myself down.

I also feel like I have a certain level of confidence back, it's the confidence I earnt by pushing myself, but it's gotta be a habit, I've gotta keep pushing myself, gotta give myself time to get used to new situations rather than a knee jerk reaction to them.  I suppose feeling so great last year wasn't really the truth of the matter, it was an overeaction to years of letting things slip.  I was outspoken, whereas before I wouldn't say boo to a goose unless I knew it well ;)  At times there was a lack of interest in things, at times there was an interest in things that aren't very sensible.

A Lotta Fuss About Nothing...

Seems as much as I have an active, over active more like, imagination, I also have the ability to doubt myself completely.  Little set backs hit me hard.  A lack of self confidence that has come back since I stopped smoking weed, which made me feel normal.  Now I feel very normal indeed and have had periods of anxiety worse than any I can remember, leading to confusion, panicking but not panic attacks.  In fact when smoking Skunk I would sometimes have the thought that I was going to have a heart attack, rather than when I wasn't smoking it, and by smoking I mean heavy use beyond anything you can think of.  So much so, that it was a daily, before work, after work, all evening, you get the idea...

I've made my issues worse by not discussing them, thought they were mine to deal with, inferiority playing a part.  I have good friends, real friends, that care and help and want to be there.   I'm leaning on them but then that often makes me feel bad.  Then there's the worry in others eyes.  I am a nuance guy.  The smallest things mean a lot to me.  A touch, a slight, a sound, a feeling.

Every time I panic, I search for an answer outside of myself and then relax when it becomes obvious that I need to look for those answers within.

Keep giving myself a break whilst also pushing quite hard through the issues.

Balance the need to do the right thing for others with the need to do right by me too.

Stop overthinking which I am finding easier now I'm learning to relax without the extra strength green.

There was an issue that I looked back on my life and decided it was huge, when I stop panicking, it wasn't.

But it had to be faced.

I'm facing it.

We'll see.
Love
Jon
x