Big Issue / Big Shoes To Fill

Big Issue

Erm I suppose I've often felt similar to how things have been recently. For me what I am going through now is just a more severe, or being more conciously aware of it, just more real feeling in every way than ever before.

I have to admit to having felt like this on many occasions, often during the winter months, onsetting in october or november. Without the medecine that I was taking on a monthly basis and feeling as though I had regressed so badly. Making old mistakes, being a person who makes them without thinking of the consequences, only the imagined rewards, or the desire to do what feels right at the time, to follow my principles and my heart.

I'm not very experienced at actually doing things.

I've thought about lots of them, but rarely if ever actually done them.

And then I decided to listen and learn. I felt as though I had shied away from who I really am for too long. Certain places called to me. Avebury, The Way of St James Pilgrimage in Spain (actually it was a clip of Santiago de Compostela and a snippet of people walking along that caught my eye). I returned to Avebury and visited Santiago on foot once.

My world opened up and I wanted to take my friends there too. To a place inside where everything and anything is possible if you force yourself into it, or get into the habit of not thinking just going with your gut or heart and not your head.

I've preached and gone on about a spiritual life, or a concious life, or an authentic life...

And been able to from experience finally.

And yet a stumbling block was in the way.

The fact that I crumble under certain circumstances. You see it's a long way from who I feel like inside to who I am outside sometimes. Less so these days as I'm just too honest and my face too expressive not to be obviously one thing or another. I've also gotten more into why now, why me.

I have always had a brain that thinks and won't switch off easily.

Swhy I enjoyed certain relaxing herbs as you can zonk out and sleep right through.

I'm finding that I'm being squished into doing what I should have done years ago.

All of it.

Challenge myself.

Don't just get swayed by this or that, be the person you've always wanted to.

Follow your own path.

Be there for all your friends.

I want my dreams back.

I want my daydreams back.

I want my family back.

I am opening up and finding it stressful but exhilarating too with the release and relief, often feeling like a dangerous place to venture and though I'm just as stymied and unable to make a decision the feeling gets easier to deal with as I accept how I feel and know I must.

Like a dog shaking when it knows it must change its behaviour, stress showing at it moves through the bodily symptoms to retraining the mind and memory.

I had a go at letting go. I cried. Thankyou S xxx and thankyou A for our conversation x
I'll get by with a little help from my friends.
One day at a time.

I'm going to be the guy between the two I've been.

I hope he's not a zombie ;)
Love
Jon
x