In a search for meaning

In a search for meaning...

... all I've found is confusion.

I've read books, articles, websites, all sorts of sources have informed my journey so far...

I've tried my best not to have too strong a connection, too let anything have too strong a hold on me in terms of my beliefs, the only thing I cling to with any fervour now is that I am, I am a good person, in a shitty world.

Transformational world, getting worse and better at the same time.

My perspective seems to have changed whole heartedly...

I can't believe many of the things that I did, it all starts and ends with each of us as individuals.

Looking outside for answers is failing, having to delve within.

Knowing, feeling, being the change in the world we wish to see.

Everything one person or organisation or group says is contradicted.

The only thing that cannot be swayed or argued against or for is the truth within.

Going deeper within, searching there, finding real sources of pain, entering into that.

Finding beyond the source of all sources, the peace and serenity that I once knew, again.

We are one, there is one source and we are aspects of it, looking back at each other with surprise.

Now I will continue to be informed, continue to search, will read but not accept at face value.

Seeing new truths within and without, in the faces and words that are spoken and unsaid.

Knowing that everyone is either faking it or lying or telling their own 'truth' as they see it.

We are all confused, or have layers of what we think is right conspicuous because of our own failings.

I am no exception, the things I am experiencing seem much more likely to be self serving,

my own fears, my own errors, attacking me, my own failure to deal with things.

sensing a weakness here, pushing, providing the impetus for me to change.

Or die trying, so I will keep on letting my own senses lead.

Feeling the bad days as keenly as the good.

Knowing I've turned the corner.

Seeing directly into the now.

No past, no future.

Here it is...
Love
Jon
x

Down with superstition Up with Superposition - What time is love?

The darkest hour is just before the dawn

Meaning

There is hope, even in the worst of circumstances.

Origin

This is one of those improving proverbs that are the stock in trade of the contemporary glut of self-help manuals and talking therapies. The darkest hour has long been used figuratively to mean 'the lowest ebb' and there are many such examples of it in print dating from the late 1700s.

The English theologian and historian Thomas Fuller appears to be the first person to commit the notion that 'the darkest hour is just before the dawn' to print. His religious travelogue A Pisgah-Sight Of Palestine And The Confines Thereof, 1650, contains this view:

It is always darkest just before the Day dawneth.

The source of the proverb isn't known. It may be Fuller himself, or he may have been recording a piece of folk wisdom. In 1858, much later than Fuller of course, Samuel Lover attributed the notion to the Irish, in Songs and Ballads:

There is a beautiful saying amongst the Irish peasantry to inspire hope under adverse circumstances:- "Remember," they say, "that the darkest hour of all. is the hour before day."

Quantum superposition is a fundamental principle of quantum mechanics. It holds that a physical system -- such as an electron -- exists partly in all its particular, theoretically possible states (or, configuration of its properties) simultaneously; but, when measured, it gives a result corresponding to only one of the possible configurations (as described in interpretation of quantum mechanics).

Being in every place at once and yet one at a time...  Time is a limiting factor, so when time stops being an issue, in other words when we are no longer measuring things using time, or when time is no longer a factor... There will be no limit...

You have to make up your mind in order to choose a state to be in...

Don't make up your mind, allow yourself to have the freedom to choose from one moment to the next.

Time therefore wil no longer be an issue...

Time will cease.  We will not.

Stop the clocks.

Start the life.

Love
Jon
x

P.S. I wasn't going to go into this as commenting and telling it as it was as it were, given that I can't write this as it happens, I can only write about things that have already been, have already occurred, and in that way only go on about  the past...  The last night, yesterday evening, I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up again, or close my eyes and never open them, the reason being that I am haunted by things I've done, things I thought I'd reconciled, forgiven myself for, decided weren't mine, weren't me, weren't my fault, weren't to be gone over and over anymore, they've come back, now again I have to reconcile, work out how to look at them again, had been forgiven, had forgiven myself, now I just wonder again. go over them again. clearly see the same ways in which they may or may not have lead to something else, may or may not have been my fault, may or may not be something I still should deal with, may or may not become an issue, may or may not have something to say, may or may not be something I should reveal, I know I can't I know I shant, I won't, I can't, I won't, I must not,I didn't, it wasn't me, it was my pain,it was my illness, it was not my choice, it was not the person I feel I am who did it, I will pay,I have paid, I will sacrifice,I have sacrificed my own life already for those deeds, I will give of myself,I have given up time and time again, I will do whatever, I am doing the best I can, learning to cope with the shame, let it go, delve deeper, realise, feel, express, access the emotional pain, express, access the feeling inside, access the numbness I thought I deserved, stop punishing myself, knowing this is all a facade, I have paid, I have pained, I live with it, I'll die with it, I will know when it's all over, I am working it off, finally my dues, dealing with the memories, dealing with did I, was it me, do I deserve to ever be happy, isn't this all just a trap a way to make me suffer?

Yes until I can suffer no more and learn to love

Until I can learn to let go

Surrender my pain

Suffer no more child of the earth, man of the earth
Suffer no more child of the starry heavens, man of the starry heavens suffer suffer suffer no more

Surrender

Answer the question... Who am I?

I am who?

and you are?

Me too...

Unless or until we forgive each other there's no end in sight...

Forgive those who trespass against us as we trespassed against them

We've all been here and done that, and some have the t-shirts to prove it

I've got the lot

<3

Midnight in the garden of good and bad (not evil)

So it's midnight, not really, actually it's 15:41 pm on the 27th May, my Mum's Birthday...

Sat in my room as usual on the internet, wondering just now how much farther the new internet hub sends wi-fi and whether I could manage to get a signal all the way down at the bottom of the garden...

Had an appointment with the Shaman today, and lots of synchronicities came together, still working on the things I was working on, now have new ones to work on, old things coming back to me, that I had already been thinking about, now confirmed...

Creativity, going to start drawing again, I don't draw from memory, and anything I try to draw from scratch looks barely any better than it would have done when I was a child, but I can copy things.  I can sit somewhere and draw something that's already there.  Funny how we create this reality, and yet I am thinking of drawing something that I create, something I see because I expect to see it, when I walk out of my front door.

The world is already there and we see it when we open our eyes, that's the idea we have come to trust.

Rather, we open our eyes and see what we have been taught, learnt to see and then it comes into existence.

I know this to be true and I am starting to reconstruct the world around me based on what I would like it to be.

Starting all over again to take what I have done in the past and build on that, change the makeup, change the ingredients, reconfigure me, add back in the parts I've been given back, working so fucking hard on changing the way I work, changing from a thinker to a doer, it's tough, I have so much inhibition, HAD so much inhibition, it's still there when I think about doing something instead of do about thinking something... ;)

Does that even make sense? I'm not sure, but basically I'm turning all sorts on its head.

Believing in myself again is taking time, believing in the things I had so much conviction in before again.

Feeling it more, authentically, instilling, giving myself pep talks, letting myself off, forgiving myself, I wasn't in my right mind, I was my mind, I was depressed, I was alone, I was desperate, I was upset...

I might be making excuses, but I feel like I've got a second, maybe a third chance to do the right thing.

Not fucking it up this time, taking my time, no more pride before a fall.

All very confusing to me, and this style of writing isn't helping, rather than thinking about what I would put I just start writing and see what splurges out.

No idea what I want to say, just that I don't want to think too hard about it anymore.

Spent too much time projecting into the future, dwelling on the past.

Back to square one, first move on the chess board, clean slate...

Retrieval of those parts I thought or didn't even remember were lost.

Creativity, authentic individuality, artisitic expression, fortitude, we shall see what I can do with those working...

I had so much doubt, so much confusion, sat at the top of a tree, stubbornly unable to come down, too shy, don't want to feel anything anymore, now I do, now I don't care how much I get hurt, now I know I must risk everything again, risk it all for the sake of good, I write down my dreams now again, and find them very vivid, asked for one last night to aid in the shamanic healing I went to today, don't know whether any were specifically for that, they were vivid though, exciting, suggestive, seeing, reading between the lines.

Still looking for safe ways to get closer to good people, someone else's girl, that way I can't get my heart broken again, but I know I don't need or want that for myself, I only want or need to love unconditionally..

Starting to feel my mojo, my inner calm, my sense of well being, my sense of self, although sadly seems to be clouded by a sense of the other, the older, the father I don't want to turn into, his genes switching on?

Am I really that thinly protected from the energy of others?

Must try harder, standard report at school...

Why would I bother when I can only get a C if I do my best?  Never an A or a B...   A good C would do me...  I don't need the top grades, don't want the top marks.  Just want to succeed at something average.

I just look forward a little bit and back as little as possible.

I was so there before that time I don't want to mention again

Less thinking, less making myself the victim, less of everything.

Being, Doing, Enjoying, living in joy, feeling a joyous surge within.

More focus back, less panic, less anxiety, less interest, much try harder.

Find things to ask people, show an interest, have an interest, don't just fake it.

I've done things, things did me, learn the ways of the Honey Bee, work my way through.

Up and out, be held by the hand, lead away free and clear, taken the chances, opportunity.

Find the way out, follow the golden thread, out of the maze, see the way by the light of a flame.

There's so many conflicting, confusing possibilities, I am starting to trust my instincts again, testing.

Doesn't make much sense this I know, but it's just a list, just a connection.

There's a lot of shit that is back in my life and I'm living with it, learning to cope with it again.

Old ways that made me sad to be alive, old things that made me wonder if I could go on.

I could I will I am...


Love
Jon
x

Had the ingredients already

Had the ingredients...

Getting the feeling back, some anyway, slowly.

Had a wonderful walk, losing the habit, recently added to the list, losing it now anyway, assuredly

Just changed to a positive outlook and that will do

The ingredient I am working on... Putting my intention, my attention into the body.

I could set my attention into my little toe on the left foot, big toe on the right, would occasionally result in jumpy leg at night, would feel it up to a point.  Never been disciplined enough.

So adding from a book I was recommended, putting my attention into each place for fifteen seconds, deciding where on my own volition, each toe a go on each foot, then each foot, moving from left to right, calves, shins, knees, upper legs, feeling the inner response.  This is possible and you feel it within, that the attention is there, not externally, internally, like a 'yes' and then building on that, feeling the entirety of the energy body, taking time to get the centre working as well, I guess it's an area I haven't spread my attention to as much, the head is fine and arms too, working to send a wave of attention and a wave of feeling from toes to tip, to toes again.  Retrain my-self, the I am, the me that doesn't think but just is, to feel not think, to be not do, to act not rehearse.

Working to feel that everywhere, working to energise the true me...

Dropping the crutches, cos they were hurting not helping.

Leaving behind the drugs legal and illegal, missing them like fuck at times but will power growing and the scaredy cat I was making me less fearful now but using that aging fear, not going to let others tempt me back, knowing I can't, I won't, I don't want to risk is...

Eating well, sleeping er well, not getting off easily, waking up in the night is new and annoying, waking early too.

I suppose I'm having to do everything the hard way, that was always underlying, before I fell into using substances rather than shear hard work to get there...

Learning to be watchfull and mindfull

Trying to reconnect to emotions, I know between my own stupidity, fear, and general unease I've stopped myself from having close friendships, sexual relationships, talked my way out of things, struggled with my fear of things that was unecessary, used my own fear of putting someone on the spot, fear of using the phone, fear fear fear.  I had a deep down feeling that I was unloveable, struggled with self esteem, couldn't take compliments, couldn't do things unless it was for someone else's benefit, back here now mixed up with years of regret and self loathing cos that's easier than seeing if someone else loathes me too, just trying to get over those things I've done ad infinitum, knowing I need to find the cause of all causes, feeling as though I've turned a corner in some respects, using having no fuel, or no money as an excuse not to do things, feeling sober all the time makes me notice the time to well, the time has slowed down, I don't feel like doing things, so I've got a good excuse, less worried about stupid things but don't want to get to fearlessness again cos that lead me into being just to careless, caring less than I should...   What is the true me?  I'll watch and see who emerges, being in the now as much as I can, feeling like I can laugh and think again quite well without all the help, what a walk today...

The roe deer got up but saw my disinterest and sat back down to chew the cud, I was so thankful for that invitiation to stay and denial of my nature as a predator on two legs, I was there to see the little birds that I could hear, I wanted to see a goldcrest but to no avail, but sitting there waiting for things to become unafraid, to not see me and get closer, just sitting there listening, being, finding that I would suddenly realise how close I was to the main road, seeing cars passing and the noise, I wasn't focussed there and they had often trailed into the background, feeling so much like I used to when I was a kid, so in nature, a part, fulfilled during those times, not worried what time it is, got my counsellor appointment... I'm painfully stupidly shy when it comes to putting myself into situations where i can be rebuffed or rejected, and it's gotten silly, I was better than this wasn't I?  I miss the confidence I had for a short period, that I have for short periods, that I can bluff, or feel again when I recall what I did to get some, self defence, I can handle myself, I don't need to worry, first aid, I can contribute, I can step in, not freeze, how much was the drugs making me care less, sedating my cares, sedating me fears?

No goldcrests, I choose to pretend, no actually give in,assuming I won't see them, that doesn't work this time, I can still hear them trilling, even on the walk back home I hear them again in the pine trees where they live and work, where they love to be, too high for me, I don't get high anymore, don't like the way it makes me think too much, I so miss thinking, have decided to give it a miss, just when I need to work something out, not going over the past, when I catch myself I change the subject, in fact I just enter no-mind, the space of no thoughts, I focus inside, I watch what comes next and for longer periods, nothing does, just a feeling of being there, I am working so hard, I kinda wish I could just get a fuck, but my I know I mean make love, although my libido has gone outta the window, I used to love porn, love weed, skunk, skanky women, dirty teens, my cock would get so rock, so quickly after a fucking big smoke, wanking slowly to enjoy it, make sure I would last if I did get with some woman, although now I can't be fucked with porn, or fucking wanking to porn, gave that up cos I saw it as demeaning, to women, abusive, demeaning to me I suppose,like I was the abuser or got an assist for watching, I suppose there were lots of things I gave up as a bad job, quite a few jobs, do I deserve to be happy in what I do for a living?  Gonna see what happens the next time I go out, although being me, straight, no sedation, feeling so white bread, teenager version of me at times, the kind of feeling inside where I just think other people are idiots when they're drunk or tipsy, the fake conversations, the lack of genuine connection, am I just judging other peoples coping strategies?

I am a forty year old 20 year old virgin, haven't slept with someone, intercourse, since 1993 ish, so maybe 18 or 19 years since i dipped my wick, gave her the root, did the dirty, mambo jambo?  Even then I was just a standard male, wanted my pleasure, I've turned that around, the last intimiteness was rather fun, lots and lots of kissing, lots of touching without getting anywhere near the erogneous too soon, lots of dates and fun times together no pressure, less on me that way, and way more relaxing, now all I wonder about is how do I find a girl who doesn't smoke fags or weed in this day and age? ;)  that's me kidding there, feeling like Forrest Gump "She tasted of ashtrays Lieutenant Dan!"...   Why do I worry about things i cannot change?

I'm not forty yet anyways!  Not till Dec 11th 2012...Not until four or six minutes to midnight on that day am I officially forty years elapsed, now I'm just lapsed into my old self, sitting at home all the time, none of my new friends ever feel like coming out this far, they've got busy lives, their own jobs, own homes, I've got one friend who still tokes, the other one I feel like I can't spend time with, cos there's a darkness I touched upon I don't want to go near, he needs friends his own mental age although I'm there, I'm younger than him at the moment probably, i find him boring which is unkind.  The one friend I do have we have plans together which is great, but he still tokes hard and it's a challenge but we're still relating, still trying to get it into his head, we're adults now, we can do or not do but there is not try (oh dear that just came out star wars fans)... whatever we like it's all our own choice and no repercussions, no blame game, no peer pressure anymore

I'm done preaching, told everyone else everything I need to hear now, it's your negativity, it's not coming from outside of you, oh dear, poor me, trying not to feel or create a victim mentality,  open up.

Wake up, get to sleep, feel energised, work hard, meditate on fucking doing something worthwhile.

No social network just The social network, between the crap I came out with over the september to now time frame, the fact that I don't keep in touch, the fact that I've had my head up my own arse, others just not coming to mind as much as they did, fucking trying not to act in the moment and then regret it in the next, old emotional, old thought patterns,old ways ingrained, it's not me, it's the minds memory, it's the minds broken records replaying, feel like I am directing my anger outwards and getting it back so no more of that.

Stop judging others, don't judge myself, no more moralising, trying not to be a fucking pain in the arse bleeding heart liberal, fundamentalist recycler, comes up with great ideas but no oomph to put them into practise, still feel stoned, clumsy, numpty at times, tripping over not tripping, although...

My heart beat has regained it's composure

I've remember to catch myself panicking and getting breathless, and that was something I thought I'd conquered.

Remember, go back, relearn what you have learned...   What I preached or commented on having learnt.

Breath slow and deep, if you notice it's gone quicker, slow it down, use that loop to control everything within.

Other things I thought I'd done with, listen to others, stop talking so much, stop thinking about what you want to say or have heard...

I really don't like the sound of my own voice that much.  I'd love to hear someone else's, but if there's a vacuum that's why people come around, I thought so anyway, they always knew I'd have some new random thing to pass off as my own ;)

Not act until I've felt why I think I should, or at least watched the thinker thinking, trying to delve deeper, I always thought the mind movies, rehearsals of future events was a good thing, apparently not, so I'm stopping all that.

Let the thinker think, I'll just watch the mind do it's thing and in the meantime be...

I keep seeing people for who they really are not who I had imagined or decided they were

and it's fucking scary but eye opening

i want to cry so i shall it feels good that painful pricking,even though recently my mind would call me a crocodile

In the moment I feel
Love
Jon
x

Everything is wonderful in its own way

Everything is great and wonderful and really good...

Just putting that out there, oh and I'm brilliant, healthy, feeling really excellent and just lovely and wish everyone in the world and existence just happy joy joy feelings and inner peace and outer sunshine and love and just lushness to everyone and everything.

I wish for everyone to reach a state of pure enlightenment so that the world can be tranformed into what it is not what people think it is.  From a state into unity... <3

That is all,
Love
Jon
x

Fucking January!

I knew it was bad in January, I talked about it in February, it's fucking May now and I'm finally seeing some improvement after getting as low as I ever thought I could.  It's on a knife edge and thanks a lot for your hindsighted comments people...  Why is it we wait until things get to their worst?  Why don't we say or do something about the guy down the road who is always ranting and raving until he's murdered someone?

I'm not going to do something that stupid, mainly cos I couldn't hurt a fly, in fact I actually struggle to do some jobs cos there are worms on the plastic factory empty bags that I repatriate to the great outdoors, the throbbing in my head has gone, guessing that's the weed making my veins and arteries overly full, the pulse in my ears, left ear especially gone, comes here and there, not tinnitus then and not made worse by listening to loud music as far as I can tell, stress either my own imagined made real stress, put on myself seems to make the negative thinking / imagery more of a problem, stress within the body caused by sleep deprivation or overtiredness also seems to be a cause of a reassertion.  So I let it go, working on myself, my energy body, focus again, breathing, the now, reasserting, resounding, detoxing, the overthinking is going, the underthinking now possibly an issue.

I don't have to find things to take my mind off now, I honour the process that was begun... Stuck my fingers up at the private pigs from Charlie's estate the other day, in a sly kind of way that I could have said was me picking my nose but still, not sensible is it??  Any way got the counsellor on wednesday and as they ask you to put down answers in a questionairre based on the last two weeks symptoms I should be free and clear and all the over worrying was for nowt.  Although I still think I've got some symptoms of ptsd / nervous breakdown / possible bi-polar.  Who knows? I don't give a fuck, doing all the good right things, eating well, so well cos I'm not smoking cigarettes still, glad to have knocked that on the head, the old thoughts asserted themselves when stoned of ears bleeding, nose bleeding, um head exploding, heart exploding, all gone, but smoking weed not a good idea for having paranoid thougthts really, the current stuff is highly THC full, and no antipsychotic, just aswell I'm the kind of person who has always been a bit weird i.e. never going to get weird, or weirder than I have been since TH@T episode in september (not july as I thought)...

You fuckers fucked up and so did I but now I'm clean and controlling the show, I know the stress caused my freak out and the arse kicking I've given myself since is working, as much as I've regressed to a teenager scared to do the things I used to be scared of, it's a psychological safety measure that often happend after a tragedy or traumatic event, and as I often push my luck and have had hazy sleepy times, getting off ok these days considering, despite withdrawal and detoxing from shite...  I know there are temptations that I let myself get the better of me for a second, looking back though there was never another me doing stuff.

There's me without confidence and me with, if that's bi-polar then so be it.  The depression has been the worst ever, but not that unusual, I'm not as confident but I have the experiences of the past to guide me back.

The self esteem has gone, I'm not that get up and going at the moment either, cos I just can't earn any money regularly and I am enjoying the total break this is giving me.  Not like I got lots of people crying out for a little Jonny in their life these days, and not even missing out when I used to feel so bad when I saw things others were up to, I've grown up and grown down at the same time.  The knife edge isnt poised it's blunt so I'm just letting things ride along, letting myself choose the direction and timing, giving myself the proper break I deserve, even though my low self esteem made me feel like a cunt for taking the time, for not earning my keep, and at the same time, feeling good about not cos I'm basically lazy...

Trying to force myself, use the force man, force myself to be more hygienic and not the old me, who could put off anything like washing for a long time, I used to stink so there's the old me and the 'after Waveform' me in here, just mixing the best to make one version, respectable, sensible, waiting for all the expectations, the differing sections to subside, as I know there are tapes playing back, it's not a long term series, it's not a future season, not a feature presentation, not the rest of my life that is at stake, just the current run and checking the figures, it's not a hit, but when was it ever?

I don't want to shock, disturb, be the one to make people go HEY?! Who's that?  And the shy retiring shy guy isn't it either...  Mixing mixing mixing toil boil work relax, get back.

Do the right thing, feel internally safe and sound again, let the shit detox out, let the good back in.

The scariest is exiting, the scariest is over, the goodness seeps deeply, deeper this time, I shall be free of old habits and old inclinations, but I have to conciously work through the issues this time, not use substances to get there...  Patience, trust, I can be healed again, I am healed again, I am healed, I will work and work like stink to heal and release the pain body, energise the inner self, release the shit, I need this time to earn everything again.

Find the power of now,
Love
Jon
x

Egregious Religious Psychological Regression

Can't remember what egregious means but I think the gist is it's a bad thing... ;)

Anyway so I see what I feel as a regression and now I see that regression as a good thing.

Afterall, I'm still capable of most things, just feeling them keenly,or as if they are an aspect of me I thought I'd killed off, or hugged to death or just plain given the rest of my life off.  You know like the inner child, there there,dontcha worry little one, I'm here now you can relax and just chill.  The ever present feeling that if somebody is in a stress or a bad mood or whatever, that it's my fault.   The lack of self confidence is shocking for one who does kinda get a little full of themselves at times when given a chance to prove to others and myself that I'm not an empty vessel.  Although conversation is tricky as I can't think of anything to ask or say, but hey,I suppose it's all symptoms of a tragedy, a traumatic event, and I keep on harking on, harking back, but not so much now.

Just bored of it to be honest and it's not going away, just dealing with today, makes much more sense.

I feel far more relaxed about things, far calmer, far less annoyed, just trying to accept the things I cannot change and shudn't try to.

Bizarre mixture of versions...

In certain circumstances, in certain situations, the creations...

I've still got my rythym, still got the inclination, still got the intimation of the previous,current, new...

Like so many things I'm less unsure of, but still, when push comes to shove, I would move out of the way

Preferring the path of least resistance, knowing I'm holding back, sidestepping a bit

Holding out, holding on,letting go, leaving it to others

Pushing within not without as much

Knowing I've got a lot of catching up to do in a short space of time

And don't see why I should trust someone else with my shit

They don't know jack and don't know me and why shud I let them in?

Well I'll talk, I'll answer questions but it's on my terms

Trying not to think about things that can wait until well, until they are now not then, when is the time?

Finding so many signposts, so many things I thought I was done with

Things are starting to pick up,starting to go a little better

Feel, felt, used to think it was all my fault

Now it's not, hard to let others help, deep down I always assumed I was unlovable, damaged, something wrong but not in a bad way, just cos I couldn't let go of the things that I know I shud have

The thought of something always much worse than the reality,  I shudnt make excuses for others, for me

I shud just reach out, and so I shall, how hard to push,pull, let go of the tightrope, of the tug of war...

Heave ho,here we go again...

Breath, massage away my pain, reconnect, do those things I had let slip but felt like I was on top of.

Such confusion, less now,I know I will have to be disciplined because I had no direction or correction

We're not angry we're disappointed, that's always so much worse to hear.

They're not angry they're scared,don't want to be treated any differently.

And in truth there's no need, not like I've hurt anyone but me.

Not really, not physically, emotionally,not in any way that I can fathom.

Delving so deep down now,diving holding not my breath as I used to.

But letting go, breathing in water, drowning deliberately

Working hard to get into shape physicially

Happy when I hear others laughing as always

Not caring when I'm missing out on things anymore

I used to get so het up, not so much,like it's just a slight remembrance

Poppy's on the cenotaph to the unknown soldier

That brave guy who fell for us

He's not forgotten

I've forgiven

Leading me on to somewhere good

Feeling every ache and pain

Maybe what was masked was not what I thought

I thought I was invincible again

I looked so healthy, felt so great

And now I've found two grey pubic hairs and keep seeing fuzz on my ears and lines on my face and my skin
is red and raw and spotty and I'm being really good with my diet, self concious again, why oh why?

I am young again and not

This is hard but it's laughable now

I can see the funny side

I laugh at things, hard to humour people though

Never liked to laugh when something wasn't funny

I hope you don't laugh at my jokes, witticisms unless they are

witty , not shitty,shitty pretty city, what's that from?

Cellar Door, sell her door, cell or door, sell our door

Reality bites ass, butt munch, make lunch, I preferred the unreality of being so close to the other

Now all I want is my mother, though my father is closer now and that's cool

Wanna go away and find myself again, lose myself again, walk 500 miles

Leave it though up to the inner energy body, the healers around me

If they're making money out of me who cares?

They're welcome to it, I never liked money

Get rid as soon as I can, only holding on

to it now for fuel to get work to do my bit

to go see friends if I can make it

but I have so few that are actually close

close friends, close distance, close to talk about things

don't depress them with my shit, scare them out of it

it's better, I see it all as a part of me kicking my ass

and now it doesn't smart as much, my head aches less

my stomach more, was the weed covering health issues?

Who knows,keep on eating healthy,five a day veg and fruit

cook a curry, drink water, meditate on love on inner peace

Gosh I feel old and aching, is this reality it?
Working my way back to you babe.
You depressed the fuck out of me.
But I can't blame you for trying.
When I leave a vacuum you fill it, when you leave one I leave it...  I did fill it once but no more not now

The source of all,
Love
Jon
x

L-ego-land

El Ego Land

Starting from scratching out your own eyes...

I've been down before, I've had bad times before, but I never wanted or even dreamed of or imagined or visualised or had a mental image of doing anything stupid before.

I had worked so hard, been pretty fucking disciplined, for me anyway ;) and removed all sorts of blocks from my past, that old areas I had forgotten or hadn't thought about in years and years and forever were opened back up to me.  I don't or I didn't live in the past, although I would often wrangle over and over things that had just happened for a while.  So maybe that's the same thing...  ;)

Once something was a few weeks or months old I wouldn't give it much thought anymore.

I suppose I'm like a virgin again.

Knowing the panic and fear I would feel when put into a situation I had never experienced before.

The daft thing is that the fear of never going out, dying alone that kind of general malaise was always enough to get me off my ass and get out there and do the things that didn't scare me as much.

So when push came to shove I would always get over myself and just do things.

Medicated, subdued, crutched, sedated by weed.

It helped so much to remove my anxiety, dullen, deaden it to an acceptable level.

I leave for things at the last minute, and am often late, or I did, I still do.

Otherwise I'm ready and sat around thinking about them nervously which is worse, cos I can get myself into more of a state that way.

Daft thing is that I had worked so hard on building confidence, and what I saw as a true and wonderful natural medecine in Mushrooms, really had given me everything that I'd always been searching for...

A regular spiritual practise, a feeling of true connection to the world and people around me.

Now it's just plain old me, having gone up and down the rollercoaster ride.

The inner calm has gone, like wiping away the last few years of work.

It's coming back and I'm having to earn it the right way, some of the nerves and anxiety was there to start with.

Some of it is about self worth, some is a fear of rejection, fear of getting hurt, some just really old engrained habits, so fucking obvious and clear to me now, that they can only be worked on and undone or they will lead me to nowhere'sville again.

So feeling like it's square one, and I'm repeating myself, which I don't like doing at all, but just need to explore, explain, get it out, write it down, let it go...

It's a funny feeling cos I know I've been more than this, and I miss my old ways of being, feeling that.

I miss smoking cigarettes and I'm putting so much food away it's unreal, and none or little seems to come out the other end, like my body is gorging on nutrients and just sticking them away as fat and where they should have been all along, always been on the lower, lowest end of the healthy weight scale for my height, so I could take on a few pounds and not have a problem easily.

Trying to do some exercise, got a few hours work here and there too, keeping my eye in.

Less going on at myself, far less attacking myself for mistakes, seeking healing in several avenues, reconnection to that which I've lost, wanna be The Nature Boy I always was, without rebecoming the loner...

I could often feel the tingling, the energy, the feelings within my extremeties of light, of love, of enlightenment...

Had been breathing in the unconditional light and love of the universe for years as a mantra, watching my breath, it had become a natural thing.

Now I'm closing my eyes, (using a book called The Power of Now - Eckhart Tolle) and working with that energy, feeling it more, deepening the connection, it's easier without all the things I was doing.  I know my circulation would be bad in winter, my stomach, my digestion would slow down, it's causing me grief at the moment and I can only assume it always did and I was receiving pain relief from the weed, but yet I can feel more, I can express it futher throughout my system, I know I'm becoming a boring sod who won't do drugs, won't get pissed (stopped that ages ago,don't want to, don't enjoy losing control, don't enjoy having to do that to lose my inhibitions) doesn't smoke anything anymore, and I can feel everything opening up inside, and closing down outside...

Although!  I can still go out and see friends, have done, staying up allnight sent me into an anxiety attack afterwards though, when I did get off to sleep at 4:30 - 5:00 am I woke to seriously nasty thoughts, as if overtired isn't good for me, or maybe the stuff that's eaking, leaking, sweating out, causes that who knows?

You see I was always a hurt, damaged kid, with a lack of trust and many issues, around rejection, around showing how I felt now rather than leaving it until too late,showing how i felt at all.... Even now I feel as though if i have to express certain things I'll get upset and that's social anxiety and a phobia around being real in front of others, a form of mental illness, or brain damage,or just plain developmental mentalness...

My imagination ruins things for me, I think ahead too far and work out why I can't do things.

So I'm learning to be in the now, and it's hard, to do it clean...

It's hard but I can see that I'm winning slowly.

But I am winning...

I can feel I am.

I know that there's a negative aspect to my personality makeup that has been there for well ever?

And it's is a part of me that like the oldest habit is dying hardest...

But it will die, because it can no longer live.

I won't lose my fight to kill it off.

I know I can't afford to...

The greatest battle of my life is to live it without fear.

I lived it without fear for periods, through trials I set myself, through gaining in confidence...

I have to fight that fight over and over and regain what I have lost without making the same old mistakes.

I'm not crazy, but I am a wounded animal.  Uncovered deeper hurts I thought I'd healed,deeper more powerful enemies within my own self concious my own worst enemies,my own fears, my own doubts, it's only right after I've spent so long pointing out others faults and fears and doubts and I hope not made them tears, trying to access my own, I wanna cry and scream and shout but all that comes out is a whimper...

My body is aging and like I would see in the winter falling apart, only to be resurrected in the spring...

My mindset has taken its toll, the chemicals, the behaviour, the late nights and early mornings.

The aches and pains, the withdrawal angst, the sleepless nights, the dozing afternoons,the tiredness,apathy

The feeling of joy, the feeling of love, the feeling of relaxation, the feeling of working hard, the energy...

One is shit the other one hits home hard and feels like a good pain right now,I need my energy my feelings

Talked more to the reiki lady today than I ever would have imagined, have another treatment soon.

Seeing the Shaman again,will try to be less sensitive and frankly paranoid, less overthinking on what might be

More working and time spent on what is, not was is, not will be, is, now,is now,now is, now is the time, the only time, it's all we have, is now, now now now now now the now can be won, I can be one with the now...

Love
Jon
x

Is this who I am was then?

I still laugh, I still enjoy being with people.  Finding being straight all the time rather boring and having to find things to do which is a good thing.  Pros of giving up smoking cigarettes, is my chest never feels wheezy, except when I fall off the wagon and have a quick few tokes on one.  I can smell things again, food is tasting rather tastier too.  Cons of being straight all the time, well pissed or slightly drunk people are really annoying, and people who are messy on drugs also seem to be quite, well an aquired taste.  I guess I've lost some of my relaxed attitude, knowing that there are times when due to withdrawal I am finding some things get my back up, wind me up a little more.  Also some of the things I used to enjoy, really aren't all that great.  I wonder whether the fact that when you're stoned somethings seem even better than they usually do is actually just that you put up with things as part of liking a quiet life and just are more chilled generally.  I feel like I was sedated much of the time in a way, in a good way when it comes to over thinking and getting anxious, or nervous or building things up until I got into a state.  On the other hand I am finding time seems to pass really slowly now, there are lots of things that seemed to be quite easy that aren't now, not sure whether that's just the signs of coming back from a long foggy hazy set of up to 20 years of drugging my way through life or what?

I'm having to authentically do the things that seemed to happen without thinking before.

I know that I now have the ability to drop my inhibitions when I want to, can dance and trance and do my funky thing on the dance floor still, have got past caring what others think when it comes to that.

Social anxiety, not such an issue,although when you've got some drink and some drugs in your system, it's easier to get past the boring bits of conversations to get to the interesting bits.  I find all the dancing around issues and jokey ways of talking about things really disingenous.

Also having people in my life projecting their issues onto what they perceieve mine to be.

One friend going on and on about her depression when I don't feel like that's my problem, except for the iritible bowl I'm having at the moment which can go hand in hand with a bit of that, I don't see that as my issue at all.

Another reckons I'm bipolar and I wouldn't say that was it either,  it's all very difficult.

Basically I feel very basic only with some improvements that I've earned through the trials and tests I've put myself through.  There are times when I find myself thinking things I'd rather not, and as I was on such a positive mindset and journey last year, it's really just a sense that I'm back to square one, only with the memories and experiences still there.  I don't feel like I've got too much to worry about now that I've stopped fucking worrying so much ;)

Am finally doing all the things I new I should really have done.

I can feel my energy coming back, the things I used to do that lead me here I'm being reminded of.

Eat well, sleep well (x10 less melatonin in my system because I'm not smoking weed) making me struggle to get off to sleep.  So that's an issue, but my throbbing pounding head and the constant noise of tinnitus, which can be an oversensitivity to sound caused by over circulation of the blood in the head, all either forgotten or slowly forgetting about.  Not getting stressed as much or working myself into such a state.

Feeling like I can cope, and will cope, and feeling more.  Feeling sadder when I'm sad, lonlier when I'm lonely, as happy when I'm happy though, just not smiling as much as still have the issue of feeling guilty for not working to pay my way.  I realised that I've been subsidised for too long, not really been paying my way, but trying not to feel so guilty, beat myself up as much, just trying to lower my own stress and cortisol? levels in the hope that as things progress what I see as a nervous breakdown, or collapse through exhaustion of the inner strength I used to have, or had built up is coming back.  My positive mindset was so strong that it clouded my judgement, and I had lost the instinct, in fact all instincts, felt like I could no longer feel my way when I've never been able to think my way out or through things.

I could never decide, so some things are slowly returning to me, some things are unwanted.

All I know is that I am the person I used to be, only not as easy to walk over anymore.

So there are parts of the old me, the stupidly confident me and the me now that are all mixed up together and trying to work together to just be.

I am working so hard to resolve the problems, try to find out which, what, where, why and how by setting myself as the control subject.  The one who does nothing, and finding that without all the crutches, I can be who I would like.  However it has lead me to see that I no longer can just ask someone out, or get past the point of realising I like someone and tell them, or do the confident things I did last year and that sucks.

I miss that guy, I miss being that me, but not the way I turned out, not the things that were going on.

Not the way I fucked up.

I don't miss the way things seemed to be so close to the surface, the way everything seemed psychedelic.

I know there was a barrier or something that I was close to pushing through without a ticket.

I don't want a free ride, don't want to overemphasize this but I want to earn everything I get.

Need to feel proud of myself without the falls that used to happen, so not proud just accepting of compliments, feeling the self esteem that was so rare all the way along.

I would bluff my way through things and have an outwards appearance of confidence and usually in places and with people that I felt comofortable in.

Now I am not faking it, I am calm, I am working to be the same inside and out.

Working back to the ways in which I can have my energy back without the short cuts.

No more quick fixes, and it's such a shame cos sods law  dictates that now that I'm clean I keep getting offered drugs for free ;)

But that always happened anyway now it just erks me a little with a rueful smile.

I don't have a lot of goals this year, just to be and feel healthy, to support my family and friends.

To try to get back to some sense of stability, knowing that this is an unstable world.

I am so pissed off with how much others lie, still feeling as if I can see the nuance,

but then I wonder am I being over sensitive?

And that's the point, I've always been overly sensitive.

When someone gets angry in the moment I expect an atmosphere the next time I see them but it's forgotten.

Whereas I just don't like getting angry at all, and going round the houses with people I can't raise issues with,

so having to learn acceptance of the things I cannot change, asking for the strength to change those that I can.

And in the meantime working on really meditating, focussing in the moment.

Learning to reconnect, learning to trust myself again, relaxing into myself.

Stop this start that.

All I wanna do is ride a horse this year and that'll do me.

Knowing that I've got to get past those stupid things i thought I'd cured myself of.

Not wanting to phone people, never like using the phone.

Not wanting to get past the initial nervous anxiety of new situations.

That I'm always able to cope with anyway so I shouldn't build the unknown into something it's not.

It's never as bad as I think it will be or it's much worse ;)

The unexpected things that happen are the ones you can't plan for and catch you off guard not the ones you've been worrying about.

A forty year old teenager in disguise as I now just wander through life as a mixture of scared, confident, merging them all, the good the bad and the ugly into one person who needs to move on and grow up and do the things I've been putting on the back burner or leaving in the log pile for someone else to burn.

The burning desire is there, the spark hasn't been.

I felt it and then am left aching for it when without I feel so blah, meh, yucky...

Like the natural come down from a great weekend and back to work.

I know I have to push through and get to the point of feeling good and coping with really feeling bad afterwards in the wake, the stormy days that I used to ignore or didn't even see anymore.

I need a following wind and that's another issue, I seem to have developed flatulence, not quite but I don't remember farting this much when I smoked weed all the time.

I have some things to look forward to, and far fewer that I'm dreading. So I'm getting the balance right, at least I hope so.

Love
Jon
x

Unfortunate Impatience

I regret some of the things I've written recently, either because they weren't strictly true or just because they were the immediate reactions to how I was feeling at the time.

I said that I was fine when other people were around, but not so much when alone.

That wasn't right.  In fact when I'm busy or my concentration is on reading, my old new favourite thing to do, everything is ok.  Although it's slowly getting better even when I'm not distracted.

Finding I can concentrate better, my short term memory is improving, less panicked when faced with several things to do at once.

The throbbing ache in my head, hearing my pulse in my ears, slowly receding.

I guess it may be the fact that I haven't been exercising as much as I would normally do.

Haven't been spending as much time outside walking in the countryside, less time out working over the three months when I wasn't.

A resting heartbeat of 100 - 60 beats per minute is perfectly normal although to me my own nervous, anxiousness was causing that to seem faster.  Worked hard in the garden, throwing myself back into the things I should have been doing at home, now that the weather has improved for a day ;)

It's sunny outside, although a little cloudy at times, maybe threatening more rain at some point.

The flood waters have receded too, the pressure on me has been taken off somewhat and that is because I've stopped trying to find, get and keep a job, and thank goodness I am allowed to do that at the moment, thanks so much to my parents for allowing me to take the time to slow down.

The depression and listlessness is less of an issue, going to give up smoking tobacco next, although I know that will affect my sleep for a while.

Had some dreams last night, was woken a few times so that made it easier to remember them maybe.

Hot in bed, sweaty.  Got a text message that woke me up as my phone repeats it's notification.

The dull ache or feeling or thought towards, or rememberance of the mental imagery that was disturbing is receding, stress induced for mere moments, afterwards it would lead to a panicked searching for answers, a thought inside that I was going doolally, nutzoid, mental.  Is it this? Is it that?  Am I this? Am I that?  Then my whole world would be shaken, I would think about or be reminded of, or have songs come into my head, they would replay over and over.  Never have I wanted to actually do anything stupid, to hurt myself or anyone else.  Less time spent going over the mistakes I've made, less time going over the ways in which I could have done things differently.

Learning to cope with silly things like that, learning to relax more, let things go that I don't need.

Had some dreams last night, and remembered them, even now they are quite clear.

They were in colour, or at least filled with the information to allow me to know the details, the english african? woman, older than me, amongst a group of family friends, friends of my mothers, we were in the countryside on a camping type situation.  They were all friendly and there to help each other, renew ties.

Later we were in the back of a car together and she said something about kissing her, so I just did it.

Straight to her lips locked on them, then passionately, no not fast, a quick pressing of our lips together and then my usual talent for timing and rhythm, we were both enjoying the feeling of being so close.  Not a long kissing spell but a good kiss that ended without extending into full blown passion but more of a gradual release as if to say that was nice but it isn't going anywhere, it was a connection, to say thankyou I think from me and from her to say you are welcome.

Then another dream, driving down a road, going faster as hearing sirens behind and seeing a police car.  Slowing down because I don't want to be chased or cause an accident and they weren't after me anyway.  Opening the door and kicking a football that was coming towards me back to the kid who'd knocked it into the road, here ya go, surprise on his face. 

Later in a huge house or building, so many rooms downstairs leading to other large rooms, full of people like a party, only like a squat, or a youth club for adults, but lots of people everywhere.  Wandered through the rooms from one end to the other, and back again and back again and back again before going outside, and then back inside.  Sat with someone, he said "You're brave to come in here alone and when you weren't invited, any one of these would kill you if they wanted to."  Looking over and smiling at a guy with lollipops, he throws me one, I give the thumbs up to say thanks, he throws me another, passing it to the guy next to me.

Outside, reverse parking my car between lots of vans, into a space further into a disorganised car park.  I'm not good at that in real life ;) and even in the dream it's uncontrolled and lucky that I don't hit some of them as I do it too quickly.

Waking and feeling ok, better for the dreams, but as though I could do with some more sleep so I doze once I've dressed and checked the chickens and then undressed and back in bed, not sure if I get any sleep but rested in bed for an hour and a half.  Lots of things I could, should be doing but I need this time.

Mowed the grass in my bit of garden after replacing the cushion covers in the caravan after their first wash since the seventees ;) (maybe who knows? It's a very orangey seventees theme inside), flustered when I do things, like when I would be stoned and accident prone, hoping I can just put things back the way they were, in more ways than one and not just here but elsewhere in my life, after some water had gotten in and made me tidy the whole place up, clean it up, put things back, test the stereo, it works yay, drying out the book that was damp, airing out the caravan, the heater on a tad, the window open a tad.

Mowed the orchard one side, mowed the grass in the garden by the house, the bits out the front, then the other side of the orchard.  Thinking about how much there is to do at the weekends, having had to look after the ex battery chickens since my folks went away for the weekend.  Knowing that I was too self focussed last year, just went away most weekends and left everything to my dad.  Thinking about them more clearly, they're getting on and I should be doing more at home to take the weight off.  I hadn't had much of a life, just moments here and there at parties as I call them (psytrance in a club, psytrance in a field) the rest of the time was for me, or me and a mate to spend stoned.  Get back from work just leave everything else to someone else to do.  Although I was so enjoying cooking last year too, would cook for myself.  Helping out as much as I can now, knowing i'd let things slip so badly, if only I could get the others to help Mum out more.  Get into good habits, clean up after yourself, put things in the dishwasher, help more you lazy sods...

Feeling much more like the old me, the one when I was younger, only with a growing sense of the strength and confidence that I earned through challenging myself, my head pounds less, my only relaxation is smoking cigarettes which is a complete oxymoron as they're a stimulant, gonna have to give that up too, don't want to until after I've seen the head doc, so that I can see whether my sleep pattern improves, putting it off.  I should just give up now but maybe that's more stress on the body?  Always find that when there's a decision to make, I can't decide, I used to go with how I felt, rather than what I thought, as I could never work out what I thought was the best option between the endless ones I could think of.

Feeling like I want to smoke weed, knowing I can't and letting the thought go.  I have to be strong.

Whatever is going on, isn't hurting so much.

Is it withdrawal?  Is it the other things I did stupidly?

Feeling both that things are getting better but knowing also that I need to be careful.

Not put too much pressure on  myself, don't keep commenting to one friend or another, but just act at the moment that it is possible.

If I can help I will, if I can't I won't.

Slow down, think before you speak, think before you act.

Not tempted to do anything rash, knowing I have more control.

Still clumsy, trying to take my time but I guess I'm a hammer and tongs sort.

Work hard and fast until you're tired and then slow down.

See the sunlight outside and know I should go out and walk amongst the tress and birds, but that can wait till after 2:00 when it's less hot in the sun, had my top off this morning and it felt so good to get some sun on me.

Slowly slowly slowly slow slow slow down, take your time.

Be patient, be still, relax, detox, eat well, sleep well.

Be well
Love
Jon
x

Distraction Burglary

So while I wasn't looking the world kept turning and slowly it became quite clear that things were going very good and very bad at the same time.

For me really quite bad, stress causes me to lose sleep and then on awaking I'd have some seriously panick stricken moments immediately.  My mind racing and searching for answers to a problem I didn't even realise was there.

Something was stolen, a certainty, faith in myself.

It's slowly coming back, but in its wake is the feeling of a nagging ache within.

Working on that by removing things I knew one day I would have to say goodbye to.

For all the right reasons.

Now less fighting over it is going on.

Knowing I've been an idiot but finally forgiving myself.

I was off and on, now I'm finding my thought processes muddled but slowly regaining some level of control.

Speaking too soon, making old mistakes, but also a strength within returning.

I know there's a part that is for want of another word damaged.

Only it's the bit I didn't like in the first place.

The bit that I would have the instinct wasn't good for me.

So as I let go of those habits and temptations, in the knowledge that they can never return, i feel better and better.

Sleeping better, finding that the things and people I was avoiding now are my way through and out.

Needing to use the noise of everyday life as a meditation tool.

Carry on despite, not avoid.

Work hard, but don't push too hard.

That constant ache, some is toothache, pains I numbed need dealing with though.

The other pains are the worries, finding I can think less and do more.

Scattered thinking, forgetfulness, though knowing how much I should be grateful for what I've got left.

Read 'Escape from Tibet' the book with much more detail than the original documentary.

From start to finish it really makes you say "Fuck how do they go on?"

So much courage, so much desire for change.

I cried, poured out my compassion.

Knew that the ending was going to be hard to read and feeling the emotion well up.

So now, as I feel slowly better, and am going to keep searching for answers to old questions, I know I must go on myself, not complain too much, but also pick my battles.

Losing my idealism and settling for realism, feeling normal again up to a point.

Whilst trying to regain some of what I've lost to a thief in the night.

Holding on to cherished memories of who I was before the fall.

Knowing that I was working towards something wonderful.

My friends have so much to deal with, the ones who live right do.

My parents have so much to put up with in me, and my stupidity.

They never complain, just carry on, hoping against hope that it will be ok.

Everyone giving me support and at last I can accept it without question.

I knew I was a good person before all the crap I did.

Whatever was stolen was for my own good.

Waiting to be returned when I can handle it.

I feel as though the way I did things caused me to lose sight.

I've got my eyes peeled, just trying to spot the next opportunity.

Vibing on a second chance, hoping upon hope within, cos it dies last.

One day when this is all over, I'll write about it again with wonder.

Gratitude, I'm so lucky, to be alive at the end of the world as the Irish say as a toast.

When my heads out of my ass I see a new day dawning.

Love
Jon
x

Yes To Feeling Good

I was ok before I went to a festival last year and had a bad time of it.

Up until then, I had pushed myself to stop smoking weed, or not let it stop me from going out and doing things I wanted to do.  Seeing people I wanted to see.  Got over my nerves when considering social occasions.  Met some great people through the events I went to.  Often planned quite considerably and made lists of things to get done.  Had to have directions written out to get to places and make sure everything I would need was packed in the car.

The confidence I got from pushing myself really was there and I went to lots of things with an open mind and a great deal of enthusiam, built on that each time to get past any doubts I may have had.

Got to the point of not needing or wanting to do that old stay at home smoking habit, and spent my money on seeing my friends, making new ones, seeing new sights and new experiences to be gained.

When I've got money I'm generous with it.

Now I've got to the point of finding working harder and harder, realised I need help and am seeking it.

Feel like I did when I was seventeen again.

Shy, retiring, although there is an inner strength still there from the adventures I went on, in Spain the first and second times, all the going here there and everywhere that I did last year.

Don't wanna go on and on, but feeling like this is shit.

Finding now I am tempted to get high just to get out of my own way.

Resisting the temptation because I know it isn't good for me anymore.

Let alone the moral implications, the fact that it feeds criminal activity, the fact that it feeds my own uncertainty.

Trying to do the right thing by everyone often lead me to feel as though I was in a trap.

I know I should be working and not complaining about things there that cause me stress.

Working through piles of crap at home that I've let build up.

Trying to not feel so lethargic, so energyless.

Started sleeping back in the house again after the last six to eight months out in the caravan.

It's my own space and it's easier to get to sleep and stay asleep out there.

Had a good nights sleep last night once I got off but woke early again and no dreams remembered.

I may be a light sleeper and that was always helped by weed as it zonks you out.

I can do things when I have to, it's my own inner struggle I am trying to cope with now.

Hoping that I can things get sorted out.

There was a moment the other week when I felt as though there was very little point in making plans for the future, I got past it but day to day I'm up and then down and then all around again.  Generally blah though and occasionally good isn't a long term plan.  The stress I put myself under to conform, to just do what others cope with, and seeing how much they have to cope with makes me feel like such a lightweight.

I need something stable, something simple, less pressurised to do in the day.

I've been reading a book of a friends on my dad's Kindle, and proof reading it as I always was good at that, spotting mistakes, spotting errors, making notes to pass on.  Although I haven't actually done that this time.  Assuming it will be worked over before it's printed.

The confusion is horrendous, not sure of myself, thinking back over my life.

Have I always been just coping?

I know that I was smoking dope by the age of 19 when I got my first job through work experience in computers, but almost straight away I wasn't happy, would leave early, panic and just wanna get out of there.  Get home get stoned and just forget about it all.

I know I've avoided dealing with that and just got by to pay the rent.

Let things slip too much, got to the point that I've burnt too many bridges, been through too many work agencies, let my own doubts and fears or just plain inadequacies and feelings of 'I shouldn't be doing this job' lead to finishing at places.  Wondering whether I would, could ever be happy anywhere.

Back to seventeen again, knowing I need direction and encouragement, that inner me unsure.

I seem to be fine or able to seem fine when I have to.  When I've got something else to focus on.

Going to answer the questions I am asked truthfully when I see the doctor.

Have I grown up at all or just regressed?  Grown up and then Regressed...

Opening up though has revealed through talking to others that so many of us are or were in the same boat, and in many cases others have sorted things out by changing their lifestyle, become much more healthy in diet and exercise, healthier in body and mind.  Perhaps that's the impetus we all need to realise there is strength inside we should be building upon not looking for answers outside all the time.

Detoxing, letting go of things that don't help, smoking too much fags at the moment and I know that will affect my sleep even more when I give up that too, but at the moment it's kicking off my iritable bowl and that is always linked with depression for me, gotta give that up too, wondering whether I'll be prescribed something...  Locked up although I'm no risk of harm to myself or others, now that I'm not in the cycle of coming off something, going back on it.  I know I can't afford to fall off the wagon this time.

It's hard to stay positive when you just think you're nuts.  I'm hanging in there, knowing I won't look for an easy way out, knowing I'll do whatever I'm told.

Positive thinking, I've discovered deeper down than I've ever been before a harder problem to resolve.

I want the solution and I'm willing to work for it.
Love
Jon
x

What an asshole - Spoke too soon

I wrote and let things flow out yesterday.

It was fun cos I havent done that in a while.

But I keep making a mess of things, so I think it's best if I just wait until I'm feeling better before I comment and write again.

I let things get me into a state and then write about it, when I should have more patience and wait to see how things go.

I don't want to hurt anyone, and I don't want to react without thinking.

Thinking has been an issue lately too much, too little.

What a prat, oh well.

Love
Jon
x

That was so lastyear!

Often I do things to see what they're like.  Say for instance the time I went with an old pal to a Premiership Football game for the first time.  Long story shortish, we went up by train, went to a pub, snorted coke off the cistern of a disgusterous toilet, had pints and shots and made the game at White Hart Lane, My team Tottingham (ask Ozzie he knows ;) were against Bolton and I can't even remember if we won.  Saw Aaron Lennon work his magic though and that awesome keeper Jaskelinen (I know it's spelt wrong proberly).  Went to the pub afterwards and had to run cos the clocks in there were set wrong deliberately and almost missed our train home.  What a day!  An adventure of high quality and now that I know how coke is produced (a massive ecological disaster for the Rain Forest) I don't and won't be going there again although tbh it's a shit 'ole of a drug anyways.  The result was that I haven't been to see a game again cos I've done that already like.

As for last year, and it was sooooooo last year wunnit!  I did fesitvals and parties outdoor and it was gert lush but also when I got to the start of this one I was like, ok done all that big style and now I don't really feel like I need to.  I would dearly love to make one of the Tribe outdoor parties though, so maybe I will.

Also on my mind fairly early in twentytwelve was turning 40 in december, on the eleventh a mere ten days afore the 21st and the whole solstice thang too!

Haven't given it all that much thought since cos birthdays really aren't that big a deal for me, I get more excited for other people cos they actually celebrate theirs and I had a party for my 35th for all my friends, just before and knowing that I was going to go away and say goodbye to most of them, probly forever as they all drink too much and that lead to blackouts, car crashes and all sorts of general disgusterousness on my part.  Embarrasssment for weeks afterwards and the fallout involved.

There are many quotes and anecdotes from my past that others love to remind me of:-

"Too much too soon."  The time I got back from a holiday (the only time I would go without a smoke of dope) and imbibed both drink and then smokes and proply puked me guts up in the village hall car park.

"It was like a bomb going off!".  Said by a woman who had recently moved to our village from Northern Ireland.  I was walking past her house with friends to go to the rec, the playing field, where we'd hang out or where I'd park so as not to enter the village or have to drive on the main road as the lane from ours meets it just after there, or in this case cos my car was a right orf cos I'd crashed into hers the night before, wrecking her 306 in what was quite possibly one of the main reasons I grew to dislike myself anywhere near too much booze for the last time.  They moved away quite quickly I believe :(  My bad

"I haven't got a car for the summer now!"  When my beautifully crap Mitsy with the power and economy stick on the dash, that made no difference to fuel use, blew bits of engine all over the road after I forgot (didn't know) you had to put oil in them from time to time to keep them running at all, if not smoothly.

So I've lived but mostly through making massive mistakes have I learnt anything...

I guess being the kind of person easily lead, by peers younger than me, although everyone assumed it were me leading them wasn't the way to get on.  At all ;)

I've got reams of stories like that, that I haven't heard for ages and don't really like being reminded of, unless it's me reminding myself of them like this.  Although I have finally over the course of the last few years learnt to laugh at myself, always either taking myself way too seriously or not at all.  Flip flopping from goody goody to going with the dangerously errant flow of joinging in with whatever others are up to.

I also tend to be a social butterfly and that's lead me into areas where I spread myself thinly, partly cos I always assumed I became annoying if I was too ever present, that whole inferiority complex and general lack of deep down confidence in who I am, and that person being good, or worthwhile.

I've disproved that so well over the last years, but still deep down there was / is a nag.

I've done things I'm really not proud of, even recently, fixated on silly little things that I knew weren't right but didn't have the impulse control at the time, whether cos I was slowly rebecoming a little nuts or cos I was suffering and by self destructing.

I had too many things going on and now virtually none.

Just a few close friends, although I have many, but trying to concentrate on nice things I can do with them not out partying.  The issue I have is that I'm a cowardly little freak and then I get confident and it's all up for grabs.

I start getting over confident or losing my focus.  I blame the drugs I've been overusing somewhat.

When I am out partying and in the right frame of mind, and usually that's without any help except maybe a little alcohol early in the evening as I often have to drive myself there alone anyway so I have to be good.  I end up targeted by older women who want to mother me sometimes, not a problem although I'm just not interested beyond being a good friend to everyone I meet.  People, strangers mostly and friends too mind, often love to tell me their life stories and I them, mine.  Or I'm a counsellor for a complete stranger in those quiet moments, or I end up going from person to person getting to know each a little better each time.

I love helping others in any way I can, I'm not just after sex cos I never wanted to do that with someone I didn't love, or a cheap thrill, although a nice snog is such a miss in my own game of battleships, so the vibe I give off is safe.

Massaged some old bloke who wanted me to sniff his poppers, it didn't go anywhere cos I haven't experienced women nearly enough yet to want to go for guys and not even sure I'm interested.  I turned down the poppers, and thinking about it my comment that "My Sphincter is nice and relaxed already without thanks" probly wasn't the smartest thing to say, his reply "I'm glad to hear it".  ;)  He did start stroking my thigh, but I let him have that even if it wasn't going anywhere else.  It's gentle and fun to flirt but I find it so much easier with people I'm NOT interested in having anything else to do with.

Not to say I didn't talk to some gorgeous women at that after party too,although I get so jazzed and nervous once I realise they might actually like me too that it can cause me some distress, although I haven't honestly met anyone I like as much as the person I met last October.  The six months since then, I would say have been the fallout of exhausting myself last year.

I came down to earth with such a bang it's still smarting my yudd now (head in cotswold slang)...

Although that may also be lesions on the brain from a heavy pot habit that I am still coming down from.

It's taking a while and I'm so fucking clumsy anyway, the things I say without thinking sometimes...

That's not even getting to how accident prone I am at the moment too.  I've always been a bit of a clutz but it's awful, last night I managed to stick a lit fag into my lip, holding it in one hand and leaning down to get a drink with the other.  And I'm off to mow and strim at two cemeteries and work around town and the cotswolds for the council ;) oooooerrrrrrr    oooooohaaaarrrrrr....  I really need my spatial awareness back, my focus back, my concentration back, my ability to think clearly back, not to keep forgetting what I'm doing from minute to minute.  I assume it's the cannbinoids seeping out of my musculature, my brain, my lungs deoiling.  On the plus side, my writing is coming back, my wordiness, although I'm so less concerned with correct spelling and grammar than I used to be.

Reading a book, about four on the go actually, and just constantly filling my time there.

I really miss girly chats, no offense intended there as I'm quite girly and sensitive, in my mind.  I worked so hard to masculinity meself the last years too.

Challenged myself, did first aid course, self defence and ended up doing weekend bootcamps three times cos they were painful fun and lead to so much self confidence.  I almost became an instructor but when it comes to reposnsibility, I just fail in my head to see how I can actually do that.  I don't want to be the boss.

Cos my social problems, in my head are much worse than in person though.

I'm really good in most situations, especially once I've been there for a while I grow in confidence.

The thought of meeting new people constantly though can be an issue, it'sthe pressure I put on myself more than anything else that is real.

I worry, I'm a worrier, I stress, I'm a stresshead motherfunky!

But then when it comes to the crunch (Tony Harrison You Know Nothing Of the Crunch!) I'm fine usually.

I suppose something I read the other day made a lot of sense.

People with no imagination are much better liars and can often deal with new situations with no problem.

My imagination spoils lots of things for me cos I can imagine every single outcome and often it's the worst one that I choose as the most likely.

Right now, I've written some stuff here that may or may not prejudice others  when it comes to me.

But I don't care about that, I have always tried to find an outlet, a way of sharing who I am inside in the hope that it helps others not feel so bad, in the sure hope that it makes me feel less bad, in the way that I can get things off my chest, in the way that I can think about it less.

My dad said, "Do you right a diary?"  I said I write a blog.  "I think that's a good idea" he said.

Not if I start writing about you I thought ;)

I realised just how much I've taken home and my folks for granted.  Feel so bad for not giving my dad a break.  It's so confusing and I can't keep a job at the moment so I'm relying on others even more.

I want out like anyone who grows up and knows they need their own space, but had this growing concern that as the years go by maybe I had a need to be here for their sake.

Maybe it was getting to the point that I should be here for the future, like a responsibilty to that.

And yet I know I should get out, finally I know I should cos he's fucking annoying at the moment.

And at the same time one of the only people I can truly rely on, because otherwise I'd be more lost.

I feared his temper, spent years worrying if I heard raised voices that it was a blow up going on.

Feared that was in my future, but I rarely if ever raise my concerns gently let alone in an argument.

Dad isn't that bad really, such an emotional guy, I know how much he cares, he's mellowed so much, it's me at the moment who isn't easy to live with cos I'm annoyed by silly things, suffering from withdrawal from others very silly things, and my own issues.

I love my dad and know his heart is in the right place.  I suppose I've stayed here too long, past the time when I should have grown the fuck up and made my own life somewhere.

I like a quiet life.  But that too is cowardly.

I've been a coward, and only done things I needed to when push came to shove.

When things get so bad I get orf my ass, or someone kicks me up it.

Phew, maybe I've finally learnt my lessons, and it's making me self concious when at my best others are my focus.

How they are doing, checking on people on a night out, finding the ones on their own who look like they need some company, making conversation.  I suppose I can see how others are feeling the way I do sometimes.  Ill at ease in some situations, or just need cherring up.

The best of me really is a very good chap indeed.  And when it's others I'm doing things for I have no fear.

Only ever things for myself that I shit it.

I've got some terrific friends and new friends and old friends.

Lots of people don't know the extent of my current plight.

I've scared lots of people, myself far more than you can know.

And it's taking a while to relax, cos I know when I do I never want pride to come before a fall again, the last few years, and last year especially after my let's give it it's proper name 'psychotic break' I really had a downturn in my fortunes but the person I was, was much more outgoing, had no fear of new situations, new locations, adventures, I was amazing in so many ways.  That wasn't me, it was me plus.  The person I am when I've tested myself, pushed myself to improve my situation, get out there.

Man Plus as Dave Lister called himself after gentic augmentation...

I've gentically arsed about with my brain.

Now I just want to be healthy again.

I see the Shaman on Monday.

A real one not the one I was last year ;)
And a head doctor as soon as I can.
I have flip flopped back to earth.
But not stuck in the mud
Not no more
Light &

Love
Jon
x