shizoaffective reorder

"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society." - Jiddu Krishnamurti

 I've been through things brought on by my experimentation with natural medicines and other chemicals.

So the fact that I feel enraged by the intransigence of almost everyone else, who live in fear, who consume what the media feeds them, would rather be entertained than entertain themselves or educate by experience is no surprise, or at least should not come as one, I chose this route, for good or ill, became unwell but learnt so much that I can't say in the long run I made the wrong choice as long as in the end it was for good reasons

So the battle, the test, the journey, the trial, the start and end of this human race needs to be just that a sure -fire way of seeing out as much of the next few years of this adventure in one piece, and continuing to survive long enough to help as much as possible, make my place, my attempt at providing service in as many ways as i can, strive to thrive and give as often as I can, write, explain in person, meet those who share in this.

Be a beacon, i was wondering about light and shade and darkness falling when the power goes out, the lights are switched off, the grid no longer gets its juice because there's been some kind of nuclear disaster again, we don't seem to be able to make the right decisions, just making the same ones over and over alike, like some kind of rat leaping over an obstacle no longer in its path but that became a habitual log in its rat run.

Just like those rodents, that we despise, because they like us require shelter, food and water for subsistence, just like us, the rat races from place to place, environments, seasons, constantly pissing themselves because their bladders are nonexistent or are they but i digress as usual don't know where this was going and oh I need to get a bath, for my tired and aching limbs from dancing last night, a few draws on a cigarette was all.

A regret of sorts, because it's been three months, I admit i smoked some lavender, harsh but fair in its soothing scent and effect, so I managed to see old friends and not go down old roads again, keep away from the fear inducing idea of lending myself another period of mental aberration,  no-one deserve that least of all those close, I've been very emotional lately, coming from deep within, the energy work i've been doing, hard.

I feel the resistance within me to keeping good habits, good diet, changing bed sheets more than ever i did, keeping clean personally, teeth, other medicinal advices kept up with, loving myself i guess some would say, being better in terms of my self care, so that I can be there, be upstanding for others too, love all of you, work, rest, play, live up to the high standards that i thought i had for me, but didn't expect of anybody else.

Reorganising, ready for christmas already, still some hangovers from this time last year, it comes back from time to time in my memory, i contend to upload it all, no area out of bounds, i have to live with everything, and with it comes back so many happy things, school interest trips, king fishers birdwatching comprehensive in the first year or two or three, walking holiday in the south around the river dart, grandmother and father.

Trying to piece together all the threads of all the different tales i've read, to write another narrative within, accept that the stories i carried around inside were not true, not wholly, i discovered back then, whiles ago when shaman recovered them to be relived, expensive but cheaper than prescriptions and seen like a movie in my head, the bangs on the bonce, the blood running down my face from something accidentally dropped.

Childhood mishaps and things like clapping hands around a dandelion with a wasp inside, to see how brave, ants under a magnifying glass, going pop, laying for hours in the grass, watching crickets and grasshoppers, it's all coming back to me now, walking backwards, talking forwards, eye contact, better relationships still fractured for whatever reasons, mine, others, faults left aside, blame even less distinct, no-one is all good.

So some would say we need to treat those who don't think or act the way we expect a certain way, they are right from their perspective, i have sought and wrought out truths that make more sense to me, but possibly they too are merely bias, a phraseology that supports my arguments, my points of view, taken, took the wrong way, perhaps another day, a machine will scan the head and place a red cross or green tick.

In the box on the screen next to it, if we're headed down the technological route in time before the planet looks at us and says, "hey that's mine" to the seas and land masses, the messes we have brought to bare, frought to share as we are loathed to admit, scared of it, the truth that hides in plane sight, we've ruined almost everything, it's not lying to say we're in the process of the sixth great extinction so what will we do?

Nothing, unless it's profitable, I've gone on too long again with my own brand of nonsense decision making, my take on the world and it's twin, the shaman i listen to most says we are really not here but holograms, a vision being projected upon a shadow of the real life that we could be living, shaken from our foundation, made to see ourselves as something we are not, creating a false picture that we believe is a truthful selfie.

From her words comes the wisdom that the earth and we, nature, the animals and human creatures too are all of the same stuff, energy, not crude matter, not even here in the accepted sense of the word, so rather than fight a battle we can't win, take ourselves away from it, become different within, choose love, expel it from our very hearts, change from the inside out, turn the world rightway up, as it's become upside down again.

Maybe it's occurred plenty of times in the past which is why our history is so confusing, the logical conclusion just the thing that folks who insist on taking the written word as gospel are bound to get wrong, when it's been so darned long, that it's just another story, one that we can't count on anymore, what's to be done then?  Forget to listen to others, listen to your own heart as long as you are not hurting anyone else.

That's the mistake I made, to get confused about the direction, lose my affection, numb and murder myself slowly over this fragile length of a life time and so i have to be brave, no longer see myself as a slave to dogma, anything other than the word of the divine that can be found not in the bottom of a glass, bottle, pill box, drug induced state, but inside the body when it's treated as a temple itself, not left dusting on a shelf.

The error, the hurt, wont stand, i live with that, took a different path, can see the lies i told myself, don't wish to look for anyone else, i take the blame, the sustenance, the shame onboard, set sail, set course, i've left it too late to bathe. maybe not, change those sheets, get rid of fungal infections, don't take anything that didn't once grow, continue the healing classes, to exercise the body, the mind, the spirit, talk to the soul again.

No wonder it was mad at me, ignored, sometimes saying good things I had no time to do because i was convinced, conned, tricked into believing something that was never true, this whole world a system held inside a lie, the universe, as though that was gods only try, there must be hundreds in the mist and how i'm reaching to end this without rushing, forcing it, what's coming out next?  My hope to go on loving, giving.