cleaning my teeth more often

its a terrifying consequence of being alone and loving it and not knowing why and not knowing how it came to be this way was it always so that i was unaware of others and fraught, intensely uncomfortable in your presence and yet desperate to please work out what you want, no need from me and aware how different i am expecting everything and often, always disappointed because my vision outperforms yours and then i get all this information deeply felt within and seem, experience the knowing, wisdom that begins when i start typing like this, expressing what i cant seem to find until i do and then i spill it all out for you, which is why im often, always alone and back to the beginning, glad, but wishing it wasn't so and then im happy so filled with joy for all of you, and wondering why again and hopeful that im not leading anyone in the wrong direction, away from the true affection of the deeply held conviction of truth and divine love, and beautiful interactions that happened before i could think too much, in the now, somehow, back then, not sure, never am, just convinced that im on the path of redemption and my doubts lead me to be scared and fear that im leading you astray, taking things seriously that seem to need to be taken that way, this doesnt make sense from your perspective maybe, who knows i don't because im seeing it from mine, and i know what ive done to deserve this chance to lead myself and share my journey and path with you, so every time i do, i dont want to be the bearer of bad news, like that i wonder if we're happy as pigs in shit, here in hell with a heavenly shine to it, a polish to the surfaces when we care, and when i dare to say this i shame myself and you, but what i am to do but carry on, not just for others, but to realise that i am jon, that was what i was told to say internally to emphasize the discovery that possibly there were other energies around and cohabiting with me i thought they were my higher self, a true friend from before that i've let slip because i harboured feelings for, my own fantasies, dreams, expectations and general exercises in forward thinking lead me on such a merry wild goose chase over the last four to five years that it's been too much to look back on without doubts, and fears and so many tears and as my writing loses many of the rhymes and times take their toll, and i savour being alone the way i always was with the wit intact to keep you all entertained and me at arms length again and then i go out with a social group and feel so out of place, relationships so direly out of touch, no hugs, no information and skills of conversation rusty at the very least, i wonder do i not care, do i not have any interest in the workings of others daily lives or is that the depression that ive suffered with and tended to suggest within that i could deal with on my own and work out a way through, just like a friend said he could do, but i doubted all along, oh well, back to the drawing board, the woods, the trees and fells, and hills and get out there even though it's winter and the screens are calling and old habits die hard and now they're so much easier to see cos im not high every day, im just me, grounded so very hard and unable to escape even if i wanted to or felt i deserved any release, incapable of running away, i tested this belief and saw how little street smarts and general abilities i had to cope with life anywhere but home, nowhere to roam and now it's all clear and present, a dangerous reality the world imploding with all the systems clearly from my view failing us, technology perhaps a saviour but i dont feel like it will be so, it's going to take those few to show the rest but as usual i digress and now this has gone on far too long when it was going to be a simple poem about life and a lack of loving others, but mostly of loving yourself, feeling like you belong, love you all :) + <3