hey now hey now dont dream its over

so my dreams are interesting, now that i dream every night and remember them so that i can write them down, my dream diary, or dream journal as some like to call it is getting full in a short space of time, and when they are over, often i can sense or feel an emotional aspect to them, like a layer above and beyond or perhaps more correctly behind the dreams, you see realising you are dreaming, becoming the awareness behind the dream becoming the dreamer and the dream, acknowledging that they are aspects of our conciousness that both in many ways reflect what we've been experiencing they can also speak to us.

so over the last few years, since 2012 at least, i can pinpoint things that happened before that, but i know that i've had things going on in my head, within my conciousness, that i don't like very much, thoughts, i would say that i recognise them as mine in terms of they're in the same voice as my thoughts, sometimes that has not been the case, for instance when i walked the camino in 2009 and chanted the maha mantra for the waking hours of the first seven days a female voice in my head, during the early hours of the morning spoke.

so that's weird for most to accept possibly, since then i would say that on occasion those things that i have heard have been unkind, or unnecessary, unpleasant at times, to be ignored or to change the subject, to wonder where they came from, why, i would now say that over this period, and who knows how long before i have had an unwelcome visitor, a spirit, take up residence, call it what you will, it's not for me to say how.

It's come to a head, one time i cycled to bristol because i thought i was going to be meeting someone at an address that came into my conciousness, turns out it was a road i knew, had walked down whilst finding my way back from a friends house after staying over there for the first time a few years ago now, and i found it.

I found the road, i made directions up and followed them, to the road and realised as the address, the house number that came out of that conversation did not exist, i say all this not to worry or scare, but to journal it.

I went to the address that didn't exist, feeling gratitude all the way, despite the rain, the two hour cycle also.

I got there, I realised that it must be my own mind, my subconcious perhaps that brought that information out, in actuality i was having a conversation with what i thought was a friend whilst i cycled, it was heavy.

Heavy because I was expecting quite the welcome on arrival at their front door, heavy because i was nervous as heck because i don't do that sort of thing very often, especially not someone i like and well love, as a friend that i thought was going to be meeting me, i realised my mistake, but took it well, ate my lunch.

I had packed  myself a bit of bread, some cheese, and some crisps, and a drink, i took them to a bench, ate the food, sipped the drink, turned around and cycled back from the downs, down into town, through to the bristol / bath cycle path, (cycle path erm that's a sound alike for something, oh yes psychopath whoops) anyway so i know how that sounds, and the weirdness only gets weirder, like my acceptance of this.

As though i were magically, hypnotised or because i couldn't find an explanation for it and wanted to discover it for myself, i put it under the carpet, brushed my concerns aside, not wanting to ask questions that lead to mental illness, it's a real happening, is it my higher self i wondered, leading me to experiences i need?  To grow and develop, i mean the synchronicities were profound and abounding in those days, i spent a few evenings in a pub on the church road in bristol, the Stillage, and then ended up dating a local and it fit so well.

We spent the first date i've ever been on, enjoying the fact that we could eat our takeaway from the chinese restaurant virtually next door, because they don't do food, which i knew, so it all fit perfectly, having only just been introduced to the area, because a friend lived close by, events seemed to have made this destiny in my mind, i would say these years have been filled with such coincidences, perhaps i put too much meaning, too much store in them, even now i find rhythms in the use of language, patterns emerging, how many lines i write, habits that have been placed within my way of living, without or with my knowing, rhyming at all.

The poetry i've written over the last few years, i would say since 2013, the spiritual stuff i've posted on facebook, in fact the poetry tended to be about that too, it's become quite the obsession, what with the numerology, my concerns about certain numbers, like 666, 616, my favourite number 16, a habit i have of counting down at traffic lights, how long do i think it's going to be before they turn green and i can pull away?  Will it be because i have been fed some kind of information from the world around me that i know?

You see for me there is more to life than merely living and dying, i've written about that too, i go to spiritualist church, for my healing course, and also for a service where a psychic medium will provide evidence that our loved ones continue to exist, that they are around us, see our lived continuing, some can feel them, sense them, i mean some of the audience, often a larger number of women, in the congregation, more spiritual.

More aware, awareness, openess, more ability, then it comes to witches, to religion, the christian religion, the country we live in accepts mediumship, spiritualist churches as long as they read out the lords prayer before their service, so it's seen as being within that tradition, but often father / mother god is referenced, or the universe, a more open minded face of spiritual beliefs, less about the bible and more about experience.

So there are reasons why perhaps someone going through such things should be careful, which is why i have repeatedly tried and this time succeeded in giving up my other habits, drugs for instance, that can alter our perceptions, i know and i warn anyone who regularly uses the high strength cannabis that is out there, because it contains less of the anti psychotic, the cbd, because it is grown to get you high, artificially so.

You see i experienced things when i was a kid, i saw a shadow on the ceiling come down to engulf me, i felt energy between my hands, i now feel that again, i am eating incredibly healthily, mostly fruit and veg, homemade chocolate, i am open, i am learning about chakras, psychic protection, auras, all sorts of things that come out of the esoteric, the eastern philosophies, and at some point was considered witchraft, pagan, shamanism, animism, certainly heretical, so is there a god?  Is there an altar ego to that?  A spirit world?

A holy spirit?  A great spirit as the native americans would say, one thing that is made up of all of us, somewhere we come from that we return to, is connecting to this dangerous?  In my case, perhaps, i've been lead on a few wild goose chases, more recently i would say on death defying and certainly for others most fear inducing journeys, back at the start of this year, to which i was certainly out of my comfort zone and put others there too, which is what set me on this healing journey, personally and to work to heal others also.

I'm off to church now, i asked politely, respectfully for a message if others aren't more requiring of one, tonight, i ask in my mind, i have been on a rollercoaster, some positive aspects are for sure, but i question it all, i question the whole mess of spiritual and religious beliefs, is it all a shell game, what is the truth, everyone seems to have their own version of what's going on, their own take on it all, for me though, being good is it.

I started this whole thing, this blog because i was a writer in waiting, i wanted to express what it meant to be human, to be this person, to be on a journey, to walk a pilgrimage, to be repentant for my life choices, and i'm feeling more and more, more emotion, more depth of feeling, sensing more, learning more, i hope and pray, and i pray also at night, finding my thoughts are with others, more and more, coming back to myself.

To who i was before i tried to avoid being different.  To the person i was and would have been before all that.  To doing good deeds and trying to improve myself in all areas of my life, to find solutions for others.