before there was a time when i would ask a question and i could almost feel the answer coming into my mind, as though it were being transferred from another source, another place, person, whatever...
Imagination was always important to me, so focussed on fiction and scifi in particular, reading it, watching it, loving it from start to finish, dr who, star trek, you name it, i really engaged with the characters...
so how would it feel to go from the sense that information could come into your mind from somewhere else, the akashic record, look it up it sounds awesome, who knows where, imagination, inspiration...
where does that stuff come from? Some authors, to them their characters and stories come fully formed, decide for themselves what they will be, the author just writes it down as it comes to them...
lately though it feels more like my own thoughts and these other ideas are merged, they're all mine, not coming from somewhere else, even if i don't recognise them as nice, mine, the sort of thing i would like to think, or think it's good to mull over, and that's sad, scary, maybe in this world, that seems so nasty at times, it's easier to assume there is evil but no good, although i know many good people, who care, thoughtful, loving, the types of people that are good to know, but when it comes to religion and god, and faith, at what point do you say that you have some evidence, an opinion based on experience that speaks to proof whether just personal proof that there is a god, for me it seems as though looking at the acts of a few there is badness in this world aswell as goodness, i don't like to dwell on this subject, i don't watch horror movies, i tend to avoid the idea that bad things happen to good people, or only the good die young, or even truth of religion.
I never gave it much thought, i went to a C of E school, i sang hymns, and had religious education classes, but it was never really about a personal relationship with a deity, more of a habit, something we did.
Recently whether you'd call it wasting my life or a mid life crisis i began to see my behaviour as wrong, i sought out conciousness of and a desire to do what's right for others, around me mostly as i realised the effects my life style was having on those closest to me, and decided to turn things around, paid off debts, decided to treat myself and then others with more respect, get involved more, be more thoughtful, open up again to the world if you like, training as a healer came up at the spiritualist church i had been visiting on and off and it's going well, it's a scary idea for me to put myself into the situation of meeting and greeting people and providing them with a safe and welcoming environment from the perspective of social anxiety and knowing that it's a level of responsibility that i haven't faced up to much before, but it's been good to meet those who are also training, find myself feeling more empathy towards those around me in life, seeing the world as something im in and a part of, as though their problems are mine in a small way, keeping away from temptations like drinking and smoking and the drugs ive used in the past, detoxing from a life misspent in many ways, like a midlife crisis that comes and hits you, makes you look at your choices and aghast see how different things could have been, i know that my blog has become like a confessional, like the list of sins vaguely listed, the reason why i choose to change the way i live my life and am trying to do the right thing.
So is there a soul? Is there a heaven and a hell? Most spiritual / religious systems think so, I've even done a piece of art, that came out of me, expressing a hell like place, in the shape of a giant tree, the roots are dark red, to orange, to yellow and up into the trunk and then branches of a tree, souls are flying up and into the maelstrom of the branches of this giant tree, it's probably the most creative artwork i've ever made, finger painting, i usually only ever copied things, traced and drew things rather than creating art from scratch my stuff tended to look like a child had drawn it, i couldnt draw you a push bike that would look like it would be a comfortable ride, on a piece of paper, so like the bhuddists say contrary to the saying when hell freezes over theirs is a cold place, where you shiver, not burn, who knows, if you've done wrong though why not?
Oughten't people to go somewhere to pay for their misdeeds at the end of this life, it makes sense to me.
If you've done wrong there ought to be some checks and balances, make up for mistakes, pay for them.
if there's a heaven maybe you can go there when you've been to hell it's certainly a tough ask not to do something wrong here, at all, but i have seen how good most people are, how honest and that's good.
i watched the gospel of saint john the other day, it's a film with an actor i admire for his role in Lost as a character whose line i stole one day when leaving one agency job, for an interview at a council run graveyard, "see you in another life brother", desmond hume was his name i cant remember the name of the actor who played jesus in this film of the gospel of saint john, anyways off to waste some time online.
Facebook will be full of stuff about the u.s. presidential elections, i've been on a wild rollercoaster ride in the past few years, doing healing, massage, lots of parties, going from being someone who would love to know the truth of life, the why, and what, why are we here and what are we here to do? Maybe i've come close to knowing, whatever it is that i've been communicating with suggests there is a soul, and that if you're bad it's up for grabs, to most this will sound crazy, maybe it is, i just dont want anyone else to suffer because i do.
I had hoped we would be on a good course as a planet, that folks would see how we're going wrong and that magically, miraculously all sorts of things would come good over the next few years, i hope so i do.
someone said it would take a thousand years for us to fix everything that is wrong, maybe thats a bit more realistic, if we havent already messed the climate up to badly, there is hope still i watched a brilliant documentary called before the flood with leonardo dicaprio that taught me a lot about our lot in life.
As we wake up to the ways that we've been mislead, the ways that we negatively impact the world we live on, there will be a real drive, as our impact becomes more clear to find solutions to this problem.
is the truth of this life part of that? do we all need to realise the spiritual heart that we all have access to, the reasons why religions exist, if there is a god, a reason for all this we should be more grateful for our lives.
To be born is a great miracle, billions of chances to one, that the sperm and egg that came together to make us did so, what a privilege to have a life to lead, to breath air, to see the sun set and rise, to experience nature. Make the most of it, please, be good to each other, do right by everyone you meet, all the good stuff really, treat others how you wish to be treated, i've been under the microscope and been found wanting.
Not a nice feeling or experience and i hope this has a happy ending, this life of mine, whatever the outcome, thankyou to anyone who has ever been kind to me, thankyou to all who have loved me, thankyou world.
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