Spiritual Rollercoaster Ride

I saw a star in the night sky, with lines coming off it as though it were a crystaline entity, coming towards me after winking and blinking several times, as it approached I felt it was like a fairy godmother, coming down from the heavens, but then a noise, loud and dangerous, like a throbbing sound, womp, Womp, WOMP, as it came closer I felt it was a threat to me and maybe even the planet so I batted it away, but maybe that was just my feeling at the time and it came down and entered my chest, thoughts of heavenly parents coming to find and save me, to pluck me from the earth, to strike me with lightning, to blow up the house with everyone in it, walking out into the day as though i were a caricature from a television programme, a lord of time, someone with the capability to save the world, holding flattened drinks cans  in my hands, when I say it now it sounds completely crazy which makes a whole lot of sense.

All of these adventures, walking along roads, with traffic passing me by, being found conveniently and given a lift home.

Folks finding me all the time as though I were Truman and the show is mine, they drive or walk right up to me and say Hi.

So on it goes as the world around me gets crazier, I see things that seem to make no sense, videos of Boris Johnson on a tube train, in fact it feels as though there are journeys taking place from a hell on earth to a heaven and back again and I've been there before in mind if not in actuality, and so my life becomes a reason to smile again, after weeks of crying, laying on my bed, talking to entities in my head, are they the people I thought they were, no of course not, several women, romantic fantasies, a wedding, nicknames, emptying myself, my conciousness, confessions, revelations, reading revelations, from the bible, biblical fantasies, Jon of the garden, I thought we were all going back there, back to the garden, it all makes no sense in various ways though it felt so right at the time, not now.

How do folks deal with the fact that they act out these dreams in the waking world and their dreams feel more real than the waking world?  That's how it has been, so it's been more hellish than before, because I experienced it before after a course of sleeping pills.

These after images, things out of the corner of your eye, as though I am being controlled, how I walk, what I do, thoughts in my head, you're our little bitch now, starting as training, leaving, running fleet footed and in flow, but not very far, save the women, run home, save your family, so I stay up, not making much sense now, turning down help, feeling like once I write it out, feel as though I can't take any more that I get a little freedom from it, maybe that's just me writing it down and doing their job for them, for me.

Making it clear that I'm nuts so that way whatever happens there is a deniability to it all, it's ok he was mad, talking to himself, shouting out, losing his temper, properly mind you, screaming out as I have done in the past at what I saw as dark forces in the area.

As if to say, you are not welcome here any more, RUN!  Even the old phone in the caravan says RUN! or it did so before I changed it back to Focus Power as that is what my phone messages used to say, Focus Power Daniel San, I love a hero story, love the happy endings yes.

Then as time goes on, I see the ways in which I may be the one who is projecting all of this onto others, the way I was behaving may just be my own reality not the one that anyone else lives in and that scares me a little but not as much as the thoughts in my head, the ocd seems more prevalent, maybe some of this will be of some use to someone that is why i tend to try to be an honest as possible.

In the hope that this explains the ways in which this whatever it is works, is there a spiritual truth behind religions?

Are we alone here, or are there aspects of this place and reality that we can't see that can have an effect on us here?

Who knows, but the answers seemed to be coming thick and fast and then I doubt just about everyone I've ever known or met which hurts like hell because it makes me feel like never seeing anyone ever again, letting all the relationships fragile as they were die soon.

Because at some point in this sorry tale it was said, dont look at anyone because they will die, or be killed because you looked at them.  It makes no sense and i'm repeating myself which is something i prefer not to do but then maybe this isn't me writing this but you, whoever, whatever you are, that is so much better at this than me, taking over my overflowing need to express myself this way.

Letting the words flow out of me, like this has become the norm, and even my book thing I wrote, conversations with goddess, doesn't seem to make as much sense as I thought it did when I proof read it, in the pub, maybe that too was just a drug fuelled lame attempt, maybe all things felt right when they were wrong and there was some kind of screening going on, whereby what you see and hear and read and feel seems right to you at the time, I hope to goodness knows whatever it is that lives outside of this whole thing there is a point to life even though I seem to have missed it, I thought it was love, I thought I was becoming more loving but just started to see and realise so many ways in which I was not being and doing so, regretting lots of ways in which I can't say but know I was not doing good.

The healing I was doing, I can think of people I did work for, over the internet or in person who seemed to be saying that they were impressed, they seemed to say in person even that they could feel the energy I was sending to them, explaining to them, proving to them that it was real and that it could help them in some way, whether massage or energy work I thought I had done some good out there.

I didn't have the balls or the need to check back with people, and now I'm too cowardly to approach those that I feel I owe apologies to, and on it goes, round and round, wondering if this is the worst it will ever feel, threats have been made, but were they all in my head, from someone else against those I love, then thoughts, do I love anyone?  Am I just a greedy selfish fuck up loser cunt?  Scuse my french but then at the start I wouldnt say boo to a goose, and ended up swearier that I have ever been before, losing my rag, shouting, feeling as though I needed to find some way out of this constant fucking annoyance, as i awake, knowing the hormone for waking you up, cortisol is a stress hormone, and morning can and have been the worst when detoxing from all the things I have done in the past again.

So I know that anxiety and all sorts of things can be worse first thing, I try to find things to do in the day, but then there are still negative thoughts in my head, could be ocd, other types of self defeating attitudes and thoughts can go on that don't mean it's actually some kind of and I hate to say it but spiritual possesion, or a failure to listen up, open my ears as I have opened my mind, not my real ears as less and less do I feel like it's some kind of sting for some reason, as I have been laying on my bed feeling as though I was helping someone with their enquiries, I now how this sounds but if I don't gte it down I may burst, as though I was going through a situation like the scientologists apparently do, energy testing, being questioned over and over about my sex life or lack of it, about certain aspects of my past, in fact all of it, seeing involuntary reactions, physically, knees twitching, hands moving, then if I go back to the start let's say there were aspects that felt spiritual, as though my spirit were leaving or entering my body again, in a pine lined room, i know the paranoia and wish I was back thinking about the pronoia I was feeling up until very recently, body confidence, the rollercoaster goes on, so little pain was being felt, i could expire, felt as though I was coming into the ability to eat very little and live on energy, sounds daft I know and then there are the times when every one I know or have met, even briefly or only a few times, well I can hear their voice in my head, or the way, the patter, the tone, the speech patterns even, the phrases they would use, so that as I go round and round trying to work out who is doing this to me, it seems like it could be anyone, then there is the throbbing noise again, is it in my head, sounds like a diesel engine far away, or is it the blood pounding in my brain, is it a, now I can't remember the word, brain fade, as though the rational side was dying because I was so creatively fired up, it comes back, finding I can come up with a reasonable effort at scrabble, I can type and know how to spell most things, without using spell checker.

Knowing I've done things, like end up hitch hiking to the local town, I've never done that before, wandering into a shop, as though I'm on a mission, knowing I've worried folks, we need to see what you will do, what you are capable of, try to get enough money to use the phone, from someone, try to get bus fare, but I ask some random guy if I can borrow some money and of course he can't see why or how that's going to work, I'm rubbish I have no street skills, I've never lived rough, I wouldn't last a day let alone a week out there.

It's been a wild ride that's for sure, I cling to the idea that this is a growth process, going backwards to find honesty is the best policy, seeing how often I judge others unfairly and not myself and then aspect of the past few weeks in terms of the experiences I have been er experiencing come back in the form of the movies I've been watching, do you assent to the programme?  I'm not trying to burn you here...  Oh my goodness, I started off unable to swear, then lost my rag over and over at what was going on inside my head, and then back again to treating it all with equanimity, and trying to meditate and do energy work and see a way forward again because that is all I can cope with, I know how unfair it has been on others I'm glad at least that I can see that and also I would not wish this on anyone else, or the fallout either so that gives me even greater resolve not to do anything to go back to smoking or taking things that obviously knock me off course, after I once gave the tiller of my ship to the subconcious, making the unconcious concious, the shadow brought into the light, I wish to see this as a spiritual journey and I hope to goodness that it is...