Sorry and thankyou

as a memory of those things that have come to me that I didn't do at the time

I didn't say sorry for being greedy because I thought I had some shamanic, medicine man, healer need or right to be greedy when it came to certain things last summer and maybe those I should have apologised to will not read this, likely not I would have thought, I should have said something at the time instead of leaving it to being said in front of those who may not have passed it on, it takes a while for me to process things, and come back, to looking back and wondering if I did the right thing at the right time, I've gone over every aspect of my life, as though it were in review and I have found myself wanting in so many ways, over these days as though I were preparing for my last ones, really feeling as though they ought to be in some respects.

It's hard not to go through what I've been through and not see the times and tides of life passing me by because I haven't done so many of the things that others have, and so many things I have done just didn't take others into account and now so greedy even though I've noticed it it's like being a kleptomaniac I just can't stop eating, whatever I think will not be missed and it's hurting because I know the right thing to do is not to, not to sneak around, finding justifications to make that it is ok, that will be thrown away, that needs using up, oh my goodness, I'm just struggling to control myself, feeling as though I know at the time it's not right to eat everyone else out of house and home, don't do that, self control coming back or at least less panic, because that is what it is, panicking, feeling like this is my last day, what would I do if this was it?

If you treat every day as if it was your last how would you live it?  Not because I'm going to do something, oh no, I'm not desperate enough to do that, feeling as though all the things that were going in with me were projections out into the world, as though, mentors were testing me, and including the fantasy that Aleister Crowley was along with me on at least one of those walks out into the dark of the winter nights, as a tiny little figure on my foot, to be crushed like a leprecaun, I know how it sounds, now it's laughable, maddening, crazy and I know that now but I was swept away at the time by what I thought was a relationship worth following, worth honouring, so leave that where it was and go back to reality, oh there's go rabbit, lose yourself in the music, the moment, bitch you better never let it go, you only got one chance, do not let it go to waste, making up my own lyrics to songs, as people do, seeing so many things coming online as though I can be more like the other folk I've met, seeing people on t.v. and thinking i recognise them, knowing I've been through times recently where I was convinced I was seeing people from my past, in situation where they couldn't possibly be, an old work mate driving a van passed me on the main road, an old teacher, still looking the same as he did twenty years ago which he couldn't possibly be still the same man in the same condition.

Thankyou to those folks who have taught me so much about hospitality, about family, about unconditional love and I see it more and more in the ways in which  I am misbehaving and being put up with...

My stomach is full and I am empty of answers just all I know is that I feel like I should go for a walk.