Avoidance Strategies

Avoidance strategies and never having those thoughts that have made sense if only in my head, I left myself behind a long time ago and as some have said, self medicating with cannabis can be, when it's an every day thing, a habit, an addiction, a way of shutting down the mind from having to think, you just act in the moment, react, you don't have a chance to dream of the future or cope or work out how you will live one day, dream even of what you would like to do with your life, all you have in front of you is the next few minutes and so my life was like that, i would spend all the money I had now, screw tomorrow, screw anyone else, never thinking of the consequences of my action, turning into the kind of selfish brain dead fuckup I would never have recognised if it weren't for the times recently when I have been clear headed and even those just make me wonder what I've been doing for so long, looking back for the first time in so many years, asking then answering questions, over and again as it seemed like others, who I now believe were me, or aspects of me, I hope I pray that's the case, don't know if you out there, believe in spirits for good or for bad, what is the truth of the great spirit, grandfather and grandmother as the native americans would say, pacha mama as the indians of the south americas would call her, mother nature, gaia the energy of the planet, the holy spirit as it is known in the christian tradition, is it one thing with many names?  Is it good to those who are good and bad to those who are bad, or treats us all fairly and why do I keep hearing high pitched noises in my ears?  Every now and again, my hearing seems so acute, so much better than those around me, who are to some extent surely deaf, from old age that is true, or busy noisy work environments, but I thought so was I until I heard things so loudly and clearly just in the last few days and weeks, a wood pecker, the sound so clear and crisp sounding so loud, horses a hundred yards away and yet I can hear their hooves as if they were almost on top of me, is that adrenaline, is that cortisol, am i stressed out, feeling so primal that i'm closer to an animal these days?  I can't reconcile all the different things that have gone on and I look back through posts I've posted, things I wrote that seemed to make sense at the time, through old photographs, speaking to someone to open up the recent past even though I feel like that might be hurtful to do which is why I didn't ask until lately...

So I know that I can't let things get as bad as they have been over the last several weeks and looking back whose to say it hasn't been since the turn of the new year, or as far back as december, or let me put it this way, if the voice, inspiration, instinct in my head was with me, in a very real sense to me, as far back as that spiritual experience I was asking for and got in 2009, and since then has seemed so sublime but then I wake hearing my name and wonder should I call out, I don't in this case, just the other day, I thought better of it, if it's someone close, they will call my name again, but if I should call out I may wake others, laying in bed until I'm desperate for a wee, knowing lately I've been rising at all sorts of times and hearing things spoken that suggested i should leave the home, don't wanna keep going over what I've written in the last two, three posts, just wanna get it all out, in the way that I do, flowing like this, typing quite rapidly, so it becomes a river, an ocean of conciousness, a stream of thoughts and hopefully feelings because I know how much I've stressed out and worried others but never actually said to them I'm sorry for what I did.