sighting sacred sites

Walking, talking, not to a person but to yourself, in your head and then you realise it's been a very long time since you knew what it was like to be alone in there, to mull things over without constant recrimination, explanations going on, the feeling that you are being watched all the time, and at times it was like as if an alien species, invisible was there, probing my withered battered mind and then the neuro plasticity, the civilisation within a town called the brain that comes back again, confidence springs and I recall walking into a local market town, seeing the sight of the sun seemingly so high for the time of year in the direction that I would expect it to have sunk already but then I haven't walked in that area for a long time, or at this time of year so I get confused and the fantasies in your mind or mine at least suggest that everything has become switched around, north is south, east, west, etc, all these things going on as I circle and circuit the shops and the places I have worked and been before hoping not to arouse some kind of suspicion that i'm up to anything other than feeling as though there is a reason I need to get away from home again, so I've walked the main road, then lanes, then around and around the town, half voleying a one pound coin across the street in an instant of instinct, wandering into the lobby of the pub, hotel, restaurant, thinking I should get a room for the night, get some decent sleep, squander some money on that, is it bipolar, don't they rashly waste money, no lose sexuality for me mind you although that isn't necessarily the case with all those who suffer, and on it goes, as I show my woes in public but hopefully seem fairly normal, I wander right back out again and in the direction of home, I wont mention the rest of the story here as I don't wish to name names again, or speak to the ways I doubt the veracity of what I was told, that might mean it's more like paranoia, instead of the pronoia I've said about in the past, how positive I was feeling for so long, maybe that was a nice period before this nasty one, weeks of accusations coming into my mind, characters, people I've known in the distant and recent past, all coming to speak to me in my head and suggest that I've done something, some of it is true and I'm disgusted and utterly ashamed but it's only the weakest of them, the least of those cases unexplained, the ones I know I have done but never realised until now the negativity they explain, or the ways in which what I thought at the time was not right, and again and again I see the utter mysteriousness of truth and light and life, that I could think right was wrong, wrong, right, justifications mean nothing if they aren't coming from the correct place, my face cut by brambles after a nightime mission to run like I haven't in years, ending in my trainers getting very muddy, one of whom comes off my foot as I sprint because I believe I'm being tested in some way for a good reason by those unseen, unmet, as yet, if ever, my mind incredible in its capability to create a firm and consistent narrative, as though the waking world was the dream world and vice versa, dreams becoming so real, those characters, from school days vivid and then someone from my past, conversation going on all the time.

So where do we go from here?  Does it all just fade out again?  Like the song goes and songs have been repeating again like before but apprently that's the score for some, ear worms, for days or weeks, doesn't it drive you mad, when they hit me I take them personally, as though they have a message for me, and they keep on coming thick and fast, but not the same ones, or t.v. theme tunes as in the past, that other year, I wonder, as I age surely my brain should be getting worse, the duration I take to have been similar, I know I didn't feel as though I smiled for around 3 months, and I surely had no sexual desire for that long, this time, it was as though someone was telling it not to be more than a shrivelled johnson, americanisms common to the questioning over my sexual history like im lead in a grave, although its in or on top of my bed, to shiver and shake like a scientologists energy testing regime only here I am guessing there's a camera on me, with the permission of the other people in the house, to check me out, then it's back to spirituality as the cause and means for this whole thing, away from the unlikely and then obviously crazt notion that there's a camers in the heater when i look it's a cheap thing with a light on but only a fan, so why won't I look in that direction?  Looking there's obviously nothing there that could capture my image, as it goes on and on it comes around to those closest to me rather than those who are far away, but in contact none the less, nonetheless, my mind coming back to me, as though a fugue state is lifting and im fucking wishing for some explanation again, reaching out, trying to let anyone who contacts me at least know that im suffering and wont be around for a while, in the past I got scared I would never see friends again, this time I took it onboard that perhaps I shouldnt care about me, kill me, let me die, that would be the best thing for everyone, at least that way it's a selfless thing, i don't care if I'm not getting out and about, seeing friends, this way im away from temptations, old habits dying easier now I know, feel as though I can't daren't fail to quit all sorts of things, this way im being less selfish and less insistent that I need to get out to see folk.

This time I've seen the ways in which my need to publically speak is wrong, my feeling that to express stuff in a public forum is wrong, to put in a crappy code or is such a way that names aren't names, or alluding to things instead of saying stuff to folk in person, you really need to improve on those communication skills, I know I do but whatdya gonna do?  When you've gotten by without for so long, 43 now, 42 seemed like the answer to life the universe and everything, and there was no pain for so many weeks, not physically, adrenaline was so ripe and ready and full on within my system that my throat felt as though it was throbbing, at times it felt like a snake was wrapped around there, adrenals are there are they not, glands, an asp was what i was told as i went through all sorts of fantasies of spiritual, and biblical natures, I actually heard what i thought was a snake in the dark in my caravan but my bag baby is to take it on, to let it do its worst, I've faced down, or at least faced away from the devil in the past, stove my head in, whatever you choose to do is ok by me, i will never renounce love, or believe that anyone is loving me but then how can I not when I see it every day, anyone else would have gotten shot of me so long ago if they did not, but do I love anyone at all did I ever do?  I felt as though I was coming into my own, capable of feeling it and expressing it, i've written it and meant it for the first times, whispered it when i meant to spit it out, say it aloud, say I love you, I love you, elephant juice, mouth it across a room.  Then I see this as a balancing act as though, later than so many, most if not all others, is there a chance that between the drowt, the doubt and the trout pout that maybe this could be the making of me, finally, but that's never the priority, I just want to work again, save up, pay off the little debt I have in a society whose lives are owned by the banks and whose houses own them too, mort gaged, sage advice would have been to have saved half my wages in the past, don't go, backwards never, forwards ever as told to me by a wise man.

Does this go anywhere near to telling the tale of the days gone by, when at first if I can even recall it with any certainty there was a day when I was still dressed from the night before, or barely ready for work at all, when the knock on the door was too early and I wasn't in any fit state, I had already told the person I was leaving soon, but then why?  What were my plans back then, did I have any real ones, was i already well into these missions for my goddess, who I wrote the book for, was that a part of me, apart from me, who can say, we're getting into foreign and scary daring territory here, possesion being nine tenths of the law and mine being a time scale and a scaly beastly tale to tell, is there a god, a devil, the words were said, authorities involved, I have to at least mention some of what has transpired, no chemical hammers taken as prescribed, lies told, or mistakes retold as the truth, no i never took any.  I was never prescribed anything other than sleeping pills, perhaps my lifestyle, my belief in spirituality, the ocd coming out, the thoughts that can be ascribed to that sort of thing, not here this time, I don't look at a sheep behind and think cock on lad, which ugly thoughts can be the case in some ocd type miscalculations and misdirected aberrations, the weird behaviour of others, makes mine seem ok in some ways and scary to behold but maybe it's not that surprising but makes me worry what i've got is catching or that the whole damn world is going to hell in a handbasket, luckily no-one is saying things like crazy, mad, etc etc, to hear those words so oft used, in common language when you're going through this kind of shit hurts deeply, but they're not thinking, just using the vernacular, but then it's how often the hell word is used, what in the hell do you mean by that?  How often is heaven names, in heavens name, or earth, what on earth are you getting at, that would be better, we say the words, for christs sake, for gods sake, i choose not to use those names, i say for goodness sake when I can unless pressed into some kind of sacred service, which is what I had hoped i was for, in service to my fellow beings was what I was choosing to give my life for, dancing around the sacred sights of old.

Then I watch a film about 'the man from earth', who having lived for thousands of years gets caught up in stories and times gone by  including the biblical tale itself, and I was a cross between those and doctor who, a very present legend within my own life, wandering in the countryside a few weeks ago, after leaving i walked the lanes desperate to head in one direction or another, treating what was going on in my mind, as real as anything you can touch, after stepping in front of someone to protect them from an invisible person, I know how this seems, how it reads, how it feels to have treated my own delusions, my dreams as real, they were to me, my only hope is that this is the sort of thing that is usually medicated, predicated on the idea that this is madness, we make folks take pills rather than let these things play out which is what I'm doing, to see if the scraping of my barrel leads me somewhere good, maybe it does, maybe it doesn't we shall see, let's see what happens over the next few weeks, months, years as I try once again to rebuild my life, looking for work, knowing I've left it late in life to do these tests and trials, knowing this may be a sign of a worsening of my experiences, setting in stone what was before merely a chance to see what life can be like when looking into the yawning grave, and gravely I must say I feel for those who have been caught up in this period of my life, the connections I've made and lost, the friends, colleagues, I left without saying goodbye, because I'm a coward that way, bravely stepping out into the night over these weeks gone by, back to up to ten weeks now since this started, sad that we parted, now seeing the things that seemed right as wrong, he mind games going on inside were mere fantasties, overlaid onto what those aspects of my real life said, I can see how clever and creative the mind is, because I know now how many of the threats to my person and those around me have been called as bluffs and no-one has been hurt but it's lead me to look back into the book I wrote, the statuses and things I've revealed, the wounds inside and out that I may not have healed because I never said anything, like so many of those situations go, people don't speak up, they expect things to go without saying, maybe you think it should all be well understood, or it hurts to make the mouth noises.

All I know is that on several occasions and one in particular, no two now that I think of it, I felt energy between you and I.

So I have to get ahold of myself, get the strength of character back now that I've been ground down to zero from a hero as such.

I have to see what kind of self control can be found now that I seem to have so little, my appetite is huge and desperate, panic.

Panic, clumsiness, fraught, calm sought, breathe slow and deep, all my advice of the past what little wisdom I had given out gone.

It all goes in this process of losing myself, gaining a little of what others have given me, seeing them in me, holding on for dear life in the way that these things go, it would almost give me more succour if only I did not have those times when I felt energy before knowing it was there, when I close my eyes and draw my hands together, palms flat I feel it before they touch and go on.

I could go on and on, but I will not until I can know that what has been over the past few weeks is a good thing.  Don't take it too seriously except that I've given others serious cause for concern but they all seem so ok with it, as though it's just the way I am.

Facing the shadow side of me, colourfully, asking now for the strength and visions not to end, I will remember my dream I say before I go to my bed, breathe slow and deep, do not damage my calm again, no more panicking, no more becoming self concious of my breath but then that is what I have always suffered with so am I not just accepting the ways I was different from the start and then proceeding to do the hardest work of all, to go so deep into who I really am that I find disgusting and dangerous aspects that most deny and were trapped there, within the shadow of the self, denied, and decried, and fuck me have I cried, so hard, emotion raw and then numb again just like I was for years because everything went onto the back burner, so much of my past set free, so I can see the good memories.

I want nothing more than to go on the road for the rest of my days, seeing the ways in which I could and should and will live closer to the land, learning more about wild food, wearing shoes and socks less and less to connect to the earth, a dearth of bills and debts, if it's about a happy life then surely that would be the best, to continually wash in cold clean fresh waters because that is good for you, to wild swim to get a layer of fat close to the skin, to eat iodine rich seaweed, be a hunter gatherer, or at least a gatherer of knowledge close to nature which is the only thing we can truly say is the source of our power and love, it is us, we it.